Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 55: Sons

Episode Date: July 17, 2026

Football, a song, names, topics, another Sorrento tale, pig Guru, a Martin visit, and telly ideas.(Originally recorded for Club Parsnips on 28/7/25 https://www.patreon.com/athleticomince) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are we started? All right, Parr Snippers, all right, Andy? Hello, we've started, yes. I'm all right, yeah. Number one, where are you? I've got a feeling you're in London, something like that. I'm in London, can you tell by my face? I'll tell you I'm in a Premier Inn.

You love a Premier in, don't you? I love a Premier in. I'm in a Premier Inn in a Premier in. It's near the Excel exhibition unit. Okay. And the Canary Wharf, a big, big exhibition unit, because I am going to watch the Formula E. What?

It's like Formula One, but electric cars rather than petrol. So it's a slight scale electric or something? It's like Sky Electric, yeah. They're very noisy, a very shrill noise that they make. But it's not as fast as Formula One. Well, why don't you go and find a flock of starlings and watch them, they're noisy and fast? Do you know what I mean? It wasn't my idea, that's all I'm going to say.

It's your son's idea, isn't it? That's my son's idea. Why do you do all this for your son and your children? You know, come on. You'd rather be in bed, wouldn't you? You're watching the darts? My son is in bed behind us. Right.

In the room. He's fast asleep. So I'm not going to raise my voice. So why do you do all this for your son? Why aren't you more selfish in life? I am selfless, very selfless man. I thought you knew this. No, I have no evidence of that, Andy.

I'm a people pleaser. Are you? Surely you knew this. I just don't want everyone to be happy at my expense. Is that right? Now, you've got a T-shirt, and I always like to comment. It's a bit, I don't know, modernist. Oh, oh, oh, there's more to it.

Yeah, it's increasingly becoming a T-shirt identification podcastist, isn't it? Yeah, this is a T-shirt of the pop group Elbow. You see the letters there. I see. I saw the B and the O and I thought it might be Bura, but no, it's elbow. It looks like a pair of tits, to be quite honest. Yeah. So you...

It'd be quite a low... It would be quite a low chuckle that. Yeah, well... So... It is obviously lovely to see it. It's... I hope you have a lovely time watching the cars going round and round and round

and round and round and round and round. Yeah. I hope you enjoy your son saying that he wants half a lager or something and paying 27 quid for it. He's not old enough. You can't have one. I had a pint.

We went yesterday, it's a two-day thing. We were there yesterday and we're there again this afternoon. Jesus, Andy. 7 pound 50 a pint. Oh, that's not, you know, London-wise, that ain't too bad. What a thing to say, though. Are you looking forward to your new season, you know, with Sondland? Are you excited?

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to make of it. Because it could be a huge disaster or it could be all right, But nobody knows. We've signed some players from abroad. Oh, well, they'll be good then if they're from abroad. Obviously they'll be good. They'll just come straight to England and just fit in and be brilliant

because that's how it always works. I have got no idea. You've got a new manager, haven't you? Rob Edwards. What do you think about that? I watched us yesterday playing Rangers and we were very good, but who knows? I mean, the thing is, Andy, is like when we last went up,

Middlesbrough, I don't know, 2017 or something, there was a realistic opportunity of staying up. So it was actually very disappointing when you didn't. But I suspect now you're approaching it, thinking, well, we're not staying up. So it might be more fun. And then, you know, you might stay up. You've got to assume you're going to go there. Apparently, the Sondland fans from the Harts match yesterday in Edinburgh

and the Bera fans from Glasgow were all on the same trains. Yes, I did from Scotland. And I believe it'd gone a little bit saucy. Oh, bet. Now, listen, Andrew, talking about Sondon, Borough, I've got a lovely new song for you. Great to start things off. You live in Sunderland. Drink blue drink with shit on your hands.

You go to the tip with a wheelbarrow and mule. You eat chicken dippers, your sinks full of spew. You've got an Alsatian that lives on your roof Because you live in Sunderland I come from Middlesbrough I drink fine wines from Bordeaux I hang around at the celebrity club You knock about at the jobseekers hub

You shop at home bargains from Liddle your band because you come from Sunderland What are you reckon Do you like that? It's nice Yeah very very nice Very untrue On so many levels

Don't we all All drink Bordeaux in Middlesbrough I promise Of course you do We were driving down Down the United A day And those big chimneys Came into view

Yeah And my son just went Middlesbrough Hey I've got a couple of names for you. Go on a couple of names. You're not obliged to choose any of them, but I'll run them by it. You can be Neil Fox Leader.

Neil Fox Leader walks around during daylight hours with their fox on a lead. Pretty standard stuff you probably think. But both Neil and the Fox can spit out globules of pure fire. Wow. And the foxes globules are bigger than Neals. Okay. So there you are.

That's Neil Fox Leader. Or you can be Hercules Slack. He's 5 foot 2 inches high and 3 foot 6 inches wide. He went to turkey to get one of them hair replacement jobs, but they pulled all his remaining hairs out and filled his follicles with wig grass and charged him 9 grand. 9 grand.

I think... Hercules slack or... Is there any chance of you changing Neal to Foxfire? I know it's more obvious, but... Neil Foxfire? Yeah. No, sorry. No, you won't offer that?

No, and it's Neil Fox later. Okay. No, that's fine enough. I'll be Fox leading then, thank you. The main thing is he leads the fox around the fire things, just to decide. But I would have said that the main thing is, is that they spew out bottles of fire. Neil doesn't say it like that. So you're going to be Neil Fox leader? Yeah, thank you.

It's just a few, they're sort of questions, topics of interest for you to mull over, you know. have you ever used a tourniquet or witnessed one being used? I hate the key talking about my son in this podcast but I advised him to use some compression on a wound the other day. Does that count? It's the presence of a tourniquet Andy that I'm looking for. So I don't know whether that... A tourniquet suggests that it had been tied.

Yeah, a belt or something. I think a belt is the go-to. Tonykae, I think. No, that was nothing like this. No, I haven't. Well, maybe one day, Andy, yeah? I mean, I might get shot one day. You can use a tonicere with a gunshot wound, can't you?

Yeah, talking of sons. My son's in America at the moment. He sent me a video yesterday of him shooting at a gun range. Good. At the time of his life. Do you have a good... Have you overdone that? Have you overdone that?

I've fired a shotgun, Russian shotgun. and I fired a machine gun. Yeah, I went to a gun range in Prague once as part of a stag weekend many decades ago. It was run by a guy called Rambo. It was great. So, have you ever told anyone firms to fuck off? Just you?

Just me? Yeah. No one else? I think so. Don't know why something come up. Well, no, I was just thinking the most famous person I ever told to fuck off, I might have told this before was, you know, the singer James Taylor, American singer, American. Oh, yeah?

Told him to fuck off. What for? I was doing a show to me like Jonathan Ross or something, and they get you there dead early, and I wanted to have a kip. And he was in the room next door doing his... With his guitar. You know, that might have been nice, but he was just doing that sort of, oh-oh-oh, warming his voice off.

I didn't know it was James Taylor I just thought there was some wanker trying to be a bit Austrian you know in the room next to me so I banged on his door told him to fuck off with his singing and then he answered the door and it was James Taylor

but there you go embarrassing are you yeah just you do you think Gandalf would enjoy a donna kebab or maybe not of course he would

I think he really would wouldn't he Very small amount of knowledge I've got about Gandalf. Little fella, isn't he? Little fella's usually like kebabs. I like a kebab. Does your son like a kebab? That generation doesn't seem quite as keen as I. Yeah.

Well, he's quite into the German Dona Kabab outlet that we've talked about in the past. I quite like it. It's good. I must try one, Andy. I'm just a bit suspicious of the red cabbage. You can have that removed. What? Is there someone who sits outside with it?

the desk then who does red cabbage removal. No, you just do it yourself in the street. Oh, right, and just throw it in the fucking sunland gutter with the rest of the shite. You know, like, the other fucking red thing that's, that's doing me, Ed in is the red onion. Do you remember the time when onions were just onions? It tasted really nice. And now everyone's getting these red little red fuckers.

Well, again, I'm going to mention my son again for the fifth time of this episode. We were talking yesterday. We were at the Formula E, and there was all the food outlets, and there was lots of things with spices on and herbs and seasonings and flavourings. And we said, wouldn't it be lovely if there was just somewhere that just sold bland food? Oh, fuck, I saw with, I'm right with you and your son there. We're going to launch it, we're going to call it bland land. And they'll just do like chips.

Chips were now on them. We're some white bread and bread and bread. Honestly, wouldn't it be a gift? A gift. It's like I do delicious chicken wings in my air fryer, Andy, yeah? But I just put salt and pepper on. And I think they're gorgeous, you know. And my son refuses to give them over six out of ten

on account of they're just chicken wings cooked. Do you know what I mean? They haven't got any chili on. It's lovely. Yeah. Yeah. I love stuff like seasonings and herbs and spices and all that. But sometimes I just want a corn beef pasty.

Yeah. And last Easter, you know, like, I really like hot cross bun at Easter. But all the hot cross buns the wife was getting, I had extra shite in, you know, like lemon curd or... Ginger. Yeah. I just wanted hot cross bun. Anyways.

I know, mate. Talking of sons, yeah. I thought I'd tell you another little story that happened when I went with my son to Sorrento. Oh. the other week. I don't know if you remember, we had a bit of trouble when we went to Pompeii

told you about it last time. Your heads swelled up, didn't they? Your heads swelled up. Yeah, so, well, on the day after our heads had swollen up with Pompeii, we thought we'd just have a nice, quiet day on the beach, you know, at Positano,

which is like the classiest resort on the Amalfi Coast down there, you know? So we got down to the beach and found out, if you actually want to sit on it, You have to pay 20 quid each. You know, some sort of like a beach club mafia thing. Blimey.

That doesn't sound right. Don't does it. But that's how it was. As it was, the lady at the entrance had a green tinge to a skin and quite a swollen nose. So, well, fair enough. Got our first two drinks for free. Some sort of lemon cello cocktail. And after that one, it was 15 quid a drink.

They did bring it to your deck chair, like. but that's pricey, isn't it? Did you see you got your first two-free? First two-free, you got your welcome drink and then after that, when I say 15 quid each, it was a minute, I was 15 quid for lager. Well, that, for that can't say,

the cover charge to get on the beach, I think, that's all right. Oh, right, fair enough. You're obviously part of the Positano Beach Club Mafia. Maybe I am, yeah. I said it's a bit steep in it, this price, and she said that the owners' wife had recently been very sick due to balsamic vinegar and needed to buy he needed to buy

him a shitload of jewelry to heal his knackard knackard livers and i obviously said levers does he have two livers and she says that's what i heard so that's what she'd heard we got we allocate a couple of deck chairs and we've got a fat australian bloke on one side with his wife and a family of like rich American loud rich sort of American banker types on the other the the Australian bloke had shaved all his body hair off and was wearing little speed or trunks he was a big lad like um Tom who's a friendly little chap he asked him if he'd been in the sea you know and he said you're being in it for hours mate I'd still be in there now if it wasn't for this lump of a wife

and the wife gave a little smile that's me folks he says shut up the fuck up Lampo and what's with the smile you fancy the kid or something am I doing anything like an Australian accent I think I thought it said

that friggin it first to be honest but it's in that area Southern Emerson I can only apologise and she says I was just being friendly you prick batting up your phone

and take a break with the attitude. He says, I'll take a break when you learn out to bake a cake, you use this lamp. So Tom asks him if he, you know, like to hear in Positano. He says, I like it when I'm in, I like it. It's some sarcokny?

Can you do Australian? Shall I send it to you? I'll do a little bit of Australian. Yeah, a little bit of Australian. But no, don't send it to me, God. You sure? Just do your best. I do a little bit of a straight.

He says, I like it when I'm in the sea, but not when I'm next to this lump. I'm the best swimmer in the world. The sea, it's cockney in it. The sea calms down when I step in because it fears me. Tom says, quite rightly, oh, you sound like a great swimmer. And the wife says,

he swims like a fat dog with a broken neck and a septic lung. Don't listen to the fart, box. Oh, is that sow, you fucking appendage? Just watch me, mate. And with that, he got up. He strode down to the beach and dived into the sea. Sure enough, the wife was right. He started swimming like a pig, you know, with a bag of bread on his hooves or something. She says, I think, fuck, he took his fart or off the beach. Oh, he's fucking looking at us. Give him a round of applause. Keep him in the water. So we gave him a round of a And he waved back

And just as he did so the work From the ferry to Capri Hit him full force and he went under Didn't appear for ages And then we noticed him wash up A bit further along the beach I said to his wife Shall we go and look after him

And she said fuck him Let's enjoy the peace and quiet The locals can look after his father For sure enough You know like an Italian bloke Giuseppe was stood over him eating a slice of pizza and saying medical

medical and then he put his foot on his chest started pumping it as he continued to just munch on his pizza so I was saying you know medical medical

I thought no we gotta do something about this so I went up to the beach club entrance to see if the last could phone an ambulance or something when I got that and there I noticed one of her hands was like oscillating you know like a tumble drive that's on the piss sort of thing.

I told her about the Ozzy bloke, and she picked up a radio walkie-talkie thing and mumbled into it, medical, medical, medical. And then she pressed out of button on the side, and the reply came through, like, medical, medical, medical, medical. Then she put the walkie-talkie down.

So I thought, well, that's something probably happened. I went back to Tom and found that the Aussie bloke, was now back in his chair. I said, you look like you were in a bit of trouble out there. Are you okay? I was fine, mate. I just needed an underwater shit to teach the waves who was boss.

I said, you're under a long time, though. And he says, yeah, I ate one of this lumps lasagna's last night, and it's stuck to my guts like a barnacle. She says, oh, it's nothing to do with it. Fucking, Aussie. It's nothing to do with the fact that your father is as loose as a farmer's wellie, Dan listened to her

Her mental elf is shot the shit On account of the bullying She gets on Instagram I said to the wife So why did you get bullied She said Because I married this piece of horse water Right that's it

We're off he says And they both got up and left The American dad is on my side He says Hey that bloke was a jerk off sandwich I said why'd you say that Because I'm the best swimmer in the world Wow, I said correctly, wow, that does make him a cheeky cut, don't it?

Indeed it does. And the lady from the club entrance arrived and delivered a pizza to the American dad. I told her that the Aussie bloke was okay, and she says that will be 40 euros. Jesus Christ, what you think I got a pickle in my pants? I ain't paying 40 euros, you can go take a dump on a bus, lady. she says but my grandfather's got sepsis of his wrist muscles and needs a Samsung soundbar to heal him and he says oh well in that case I'll pay

that story has broken my family's hearts I noticed that Tom's face had taken on a bit of a green tinge like the ladies yeah I know and I asked her what's this beach curse what's that going on She says, it's that lemoncello I gave you. It turned out it was a toxic batch. I said, well, do I need a doctor? She says, don't worry, I'll find one.

And she walked off mumbling, medical, medical, medical. Waited about half an hour. And she turned, if she returned with a bottle of clear liquid in her hand, she said, you both need to drink this. It'll come back the toxic drink you had. so I reached up to take it but she says no it's 200 euros fucking hell

I said what is it mermaid tea as a summit she says it is exactly that 200 euros a bit steep in it she said oh for mermaid tea is that feels about right do you reckon I thought it was pricey how big was the bottle it was do you know the

have you seen those tiny little bottles of cream or the old milk bottle from school yeah Yeah. Boll that size. Well, that's a lot. She says, well, but my mother's sick in bed with,

she's on a corruption of her out of thigh, and I need to get her a Morphy Richard's ice cream maker to correct her thigh, and the American bloke chipped in. That story has crushed my family. Our souls are in turmoil, and tears are rolling down my children's throats. Here, let me pay for the Linctus.

I fucking well insist. I said, oh, cheese, mate. He said, don't mention it. I got a donut franchise back in Frisco. And 200 euros is little more than a fried fuck to me. So we drank the link to us. And the green tinge disappeared from Tom's face almost instantly, Andy. So after that, we had a pleasant afternoon

and ended up on the evening at the English pub in Sorrento where we had eight pints each and got into a fight with a bloke dressed like a duck. Brilliant. A nice day, you know. Lovely way to round off a trying and testing day that I think, yeah.

Good stuff. Are you tempted to go to Sirenda? Increasingly less sore with every story that I hear from you about the place. But maybe one day, maybe one day. Maybe one day. Hey, Robbins. Oh, fuck, else.

Oh, fucking else. Do not be alarmed, or freaked, or spooked, or out like that, you must have fucking baby. How have you been, Robert? I've been all right, guru, thank you. Hmm. All of your aura is facing outwards and projecting a steady and even flow of harmonic equilibrium. I think so, I think so, yeah. Well, you say that, but looking at you, I'm not.

looks for sure. Your brow appears to be furrowed somewhat and your teeth look pretty weird. Do know what's happened there, like? You say you're fine? I'm absolutely fine. Are you from Sunland, McGaroo? You're not fine. You're really

not fine. Don't question me. Luckily, I have a recommendation for you. A recommendation. Say it with me. Recommendation. Do you enjoy the company of pigs? Robert? Yeah, a bit scared of them, but yeah. Well, you just haven't spent enough time with them.

You see, we humans, we share 125% of our DNA with pigs. They are, in fact, the cleverest animals on the planet. Here is my recommendation for you. Sometime next week, maybe Thursday, depends if my brother-in-law is available. He and I will come to your home and deliver to you 75. young pigs. Please ensure that your garden is secure

so we don't want them escaping and lading you in any trouble with the fucking coppers. So yes? Well, I don't know if I've got space for them, but yeah, carry on. You've got space, don't worry. Once they've been installed,

you'll immediately find all of your other worries who will just wash away, wash away, and all you only focus on is the welfare of the pigs. It's worth a try. All you need to do then is milk the pigs every day at 4.30 a.m. And my brother-in-law will pop around later each morning to collect the milk. Don't worry. We'll provide you with all of the milking equipment you need and an instruction leaflet.

All we need from you, apart from the pig milk, is £5,000 deposit for the milking equipment. And sadly, that's not returnable. But then against sadness, it's an important part of life. suppose, yeah. It's a lot of money. What is the equipment? Well, sorry? What is this equipment that's five grand? It's milking equipment for you to milk the pigs. Yeah, but what is it? Is it what a pair of gloves or something?

Pipes? All right. Tubes, clamps. It'll nourish your soul or something. Anyway, too many questions. I must depart. My auras are guiding me off to another dimension. Pay close attention. Oh, God. Yeah. I say I need a... What?

Guru fella. Yeah. He's just been here. He's sending me a lot of pigs next Thursday. Apparently that's going to... Oh, that sounds good. Does it really? Do you think it's worth it?

Yeah, I read about this in the Observer. This is a thing now. Yeah. It's like... It's a new wild swimming. Oh, right. Have you asked it to milk them? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's legit. You should do it. Definitely. All right. Well, thank you. I will then, yeah.

So. You're welcome. Ear up. Ear up, lad. The, um, there was a decent episode of Martin from Homes Under the Hammers Radio show, you know,

where he has a nose around famous people's houses. So I taped it. Um, shall I play it for you? It's a good one. Let's hear it. Okay.

So, I'm outside. Do we start with the theme show? Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Martin, Martin, Ma, ma, ma, ma, Martin, Martin, Tin, Tin, Tin. So, I'm outside a converted barn sort of thingy that's clad in zinc

And has a nice flat tarmac area out front Looks a bit like a spaceship, which is unusual, but I like it. So let's find out who lives in a thing. like this. Oh, it's George Clark how do it? Amazing space. Yeah. An amazing space. Who the fuck are you

when everyone's at home with each other? Oh, how cheeky. I'm Martin from Owens Under the Hammer. Come to look at your house and things and that. What's that smell coming off you? It's amazing. Button mushrooms.

I slept on a grow bag in a mushroom farm last night. Are you going to let me hear? or not? I'm a contractually obliged? Well, it's to promote your new range of pantry ladders, so I would think it's in your best interest,

Sonny. Oh, my pantry ladders are amazing. Yeah, come on inside me amazing spaceship. Oh, I see there's actually no hallway are out. It's just one big open area.

Yeah, it's an amazing spaceship. It seems to be all the trend these days, one big room, but I don't like it one bitty-witty. I like separate rooms, you know, so I can store my pepper grains or sound bars or mattress protectors, you know, whatever I've found at the market. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Why, you're looking at me like that? Pulling such an amazing face. Just a little bit of fun, you know, a nodding a wink, which is something I like a lot. Well, I must say this room is very sparsely furnished.

Tell me about that electric guitar up on the wall. Oh, that's me a maze and bass. Fucking hell. A Gibson EB3. All right, so were you ever in a band? Yes, I was in my teens. What was it called if someone was calling the name of the band? What would they have called out?

Amazing cheers It was the three of us My brother Charlie And a last from school Oh yeah And what was the last called Grace She was amazing

You should have called her amazing Grace We did So there's a kitchen at one end And a sofa and a telly at the other And a glass display unit By the window That's my

amazing case. It displays me taxidermy piece perfectly. All right, it's a fish, isn't it? Don't tell me, I bet it's a fucking place. An amazing one at that. No, it's a dace. And is it amazing? Too fucking right. You should have two fish in there. Then it would be an amazing brace. It's very unusual. You've got quite a sweat on. Is it too hot for you and here? mate, might be best if you took your grand's coat off. It's not my grands, it's my mams, and I'll keep it on if you don't mind yourself on your own business.

So that's it, there's nothing else to see, really. Would you like to see the cockpit? What do you mean, you daft apef? Well, it's a spaceship, so it's got a cockpit. Oh, go along, I'll play along for the ladies and gentlemen at home. Follow me. Flipping, heck. It is a cockpit.

I can't believe it. It's so unusual that I have to say I like it. What does this button do? And then all you heard, Andy, was a huge whooshing sound. And the craft set off to distant frontiers at an amazing pace. Wow, that's lovely. Were you embarrassed to play that part, Andy? No, no, no, at all I felt I really got into it.

I thought you were magnificent. Thank you. Thank you very much Well I mean he's from Sunderland It's not hard It's not a push TV again I see you were on the telly again the other night

What for done? Oh was it 8 out of 10 Cats or something like that I remember doing that You know when you go on Do they ask about me Do they ask if I'd like to go on Telly any time?

No I never mentioned that no Do they never see a dandy from the podcast Would be good to get him on either 10 cats or Richard doesn't The podcast are out No I mean I'd never go on the telly

I get asked loads I don't like it You don't Bob or what if you've been asked to do I've got news for you and that Yeah all of them Yeah But I've come up with some TV formats For me and you to do

All right go on If you can run them by you Last one's standing on ice Right We're on neighbouring blocks of ice Me and you And we have to try and make The other one's ice block

melt before our own block does. All right. Lasts about six hours at no point are either of us allowed to speak. Okay. Good luck with that. I'll pitch that if you want. Don't put my name to it, Andy. Why is that?

Try Michael McIntyre, something like that. Right, because he's more popular than you. Exactly. Right. All right, another one, Master Shits. We'll be the presenters of that. It's four members of the public and the cook, a light meal while we're both being fucking horrible to them in all manner of ways.

The one that withstands all of that the best and makes the nicest meals the winner. Okay. So again, that's being you. I think that's been done. I think that's been done, Andy. It feels familiar, does it? Yeah, a bit. Right. That's a shame.

I really like that one. Then there's, on top of the factory, it's a bit like Greg Wallace is inside the factory. It's me and you, right? Right. It's us. We're on the roof of the factory. And we're trying to work at what kind of factory is just from maybe looking in a skylight or something like that.

Yeah, sniffing the emissions, that sort of thing. Maybe we can go in through the chimney possibly if that's, you know, applicable. Okay. Do you like that? I'll pitch that. Don't put mine into it. Maybe try Jimmy Carr, something like that. He's more popular.

Do you think it's got more of a Jimmy Car sort of idea? Hey, well, about this one? Just up me and you cracking eggs until they get a doubler. Could be anything from 10 minutes to 10 hours, you know? I don't know. This is why the peer of the big books exactly, come up with something there. I might pitch that.

I might pitch that. Me and David Mitchell, be good that. No, me and you, you said it was me and you, didn't you? Oh, did I? Yeah. Well, we'll see what the,

what the broadcaster says about that. Thanks. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you so much. Thanks for joining us. Tad-da. See, Andy. See you, Bob.