Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 6: Latvian Wood

Episode Date: January 15, 2021

Crime Files, dust-related grieving advice, an Alderman flashback, a trip to Slaughters and loads more. (Rec: 28/1/20) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to this episode of Athletico Passnips. Imagine being outdoors in the grounds of a stately home on a hot July evening. You and a group of close friends are readying yourselves for a performance of some of the most well-loved pieces from the world of classical music. You have alcohol and a picnic, and the conversation is witty and easy going. You feel as though you are in a temporary respite from a fast-paced stresses of everyday life. But then, a squat tea-sider waddles into your eye line. He's dressed like a charity shop hitler, and is moning painfully like a wounded animal.

He's brandishing a carrier bag full of handwritten leaflets which he claims a programme, and is offering handfuls of peanuts from within the front layer of his shorts. No wonder's look at him let alone challenge him. The heavens open and rain begins to pour. Please welcome our co-host, Mr. Poppot. Oh, Mr. Pinesides, with your squinting pig eyes. Oh, Mr. Robert, Britain's favourite harbours. Oh Mr. Mortimer, could you be any shorter now?

Oh Christ almighty, why have you come in a nighty? Very nice. Oh there you go. No, no that was some of it was true. Very nice indeed. That was a lovely introduction there. So did you stay in hotel last night? I came down to London because you tell me,

you live, where do you live again? I live in Tumbejwells. Yeah, and I live in Sonland. You've told me that London is halfway between those two. More like that. That's where we should make nothing of these podcasts. Yeah, I mean, it's give or take a couple of miles.

Right. Okay, I've not checked what I'll look at. Yeah, I stayed in a hotel, came down last night because we're doing this early in the morning. And it was called the hub. The hub. I stayed in the hub. Was it sure ditches of something, all be it, you know.

It was King's Cross. Yeah. And you know what it is, it's actually an off-shoot of Premier Inn. All right. And the rooms are tiny. And all I've got in is everything you would possibly need and out else. Yeah. So there's the bed, there's a little bit of a walk where stuff pulls out and folds out.

It's like a puzzle situation when you've got a like pull a thing along to get access to a desk. Yeah. There's no cattle. But what do you need to desk for? You don't have an academic research. I'm just doing some osmetic and some notes for this. All right, I bet. You could call it academic research if you want it though.

So there you are. So I think you've enjoyed the whole problem. I did enjoy the whole thing. I felt like I was in a little prison cell. Did it have to take off the cell? No, it did not have to take off it at a nice telly. Yeah. And it's got touch screen things for the

aircon and the lights and all that. Yeah, it's dead modern. All I think, all I think of when you tell me about your hotels is the poor bugger who's got a sleep in that bed after you, you know. I suppose so, I mean. The gentle squish of your night sweat. Yeah, I suppose the hoses down once I've been in. I'm on there, on there, on the day at the base.

I wonder if the dough give the house keeping a wink when they see someone like you waddling, so say like give them a wink to say that room's going to need a full state and a virtual treatment. I want you to imagine, this is a quiz. I want you to imagine you're having a party for your kids, yeah. Oh yeah. You've got the blue drink, you've got the chicken dinosaur's, you've got the Chris Camarral pay on the turn, tell me. You've got a pyramidicon beef tins to play Skittles with, you've got a washing up bowl full of water, we're chicken diapers in, put them to play a dip with dunkin'.

You've got some B&M cooking chocolate wrapped several times for past the parcel, yeah. You've cleaned out B&M cooking chocolate wraps several times for past the puzzle. You've cleaned out the literature so none of the bands take a nibble at it. You've bought eight value buckets from B&K for a game of musical chess. But Andrew, you need those special party extras, you know the fru fru, right? So this quiz is called pap, boing, pinata, pinuts, clunk, wallop, oh yeah, going pap, give me just a little more time, time, time, time, time. In price order, cheapest, the most expensive, vice versa, and I've been to all I can say is Britain's premier party supply

You know the one that comes up first on Google Unicorn shaped pinnata. Yeah, three meters of gold glitter bunting Ron that's R.O-N, In Giant Letter Balloons. Helium, Helium Balloons. Right. Three letters for the balloon. Oh, that's tough. I think the pin-yard is the most expensive than the balloons, then the other thing. Are you right, royally fucked up there. Ah, Bollocks. Ron in giant letter balloons, 18 quid. Woof. Unicorn pinnara, 1299.

Yeah. Three meters of gold, little bunting, 999. That's what I said? No, it is not, it is not an- I said, yeah. You said the Unicorn pinnara was the most expensive. No, I didn't. I said the balloons are most expensive.

I can play this back and listen to it again later on. Well, you can do that. I will. You can do that and then send me. And I'll play a little triumphant noise. No, you can at this point. And at least trust me in the apology. That's what I can do. I'm going to eat this, you know. We've got some correspondence from the, the past napkins. Oh nice. I'll send you them. You probably did look at them. I did look at them. Did you come up with any, you know did look at them, boy. I did look at them. Did you come with any answers for any of them? Well, I didn't think of any answers, Andrew.

Let's have a look at them. All right, well, I'll go for a Ben says, which is better home bargains or a NM. What's home bargains where you got the party supplies from? No, but I'll go home bargains, I'll go home bargains. Because I get me wood for me, wood burner there. Yeah. It's from Latvia. Right. It's super super super dry

Super burnable. It's super burnable. Wow, does it go up and I combine that with some cheap old? Is it injected word? Inflammables do you think is it what is it injected with flammables? No, it's just so dry Yeah, bolster you know is Latvia dry country do think? Well, I just think they've got great drying facilities, do you know what I mean? Hey, listen, if you know a drier country, then Latvia, getting touched, trouble's a text. Yeah. I don't know where, it's nice though,

because do you know the shitty logs, you get a garages? Yeah. You can put them on top of Latvia and wood. Right. And you'll get a fire. You'll eventually catch. That Latvia and wood will dry them out enough for the ignite. Yeah, good tip that. So, and the other thing I like about being a mouse and I was about a fire. They'll actually catch a lot of you and we'll dry them out enough for the ignite. Yeah good tip that. So and the other thing I like about being em, I was in, I was

out of home bags, I was in there yesterday, Andrew, it was only two tills going, everyone's getting, they are, everyone's got bars like toiletries at home bags, aren't they? Yeah. And what's not powder in that? And as soon as the queue gets to three, so maybe four, another till on bang, come on, these are home bag maybe four, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, come on, these are home bargain customers, not, let's not fuck them about. Yeah. That's what the manager's saying around the back, you know, yeah, and I like home bargain. I prefer the B&M. I've got to go a bit further to get there, but it's worth it. It is worth it. The range of beers that they have as well tends to change regularly. So, you

know, there's always some beer surprises when you're going B&M kind of standardised. As you B&M on your home bargains got a hot dog wagon outside. Mehorn bargains is next taught me being cute and I think we've discussed this before. Big and cute only allow the very very best hot dog wagons in their car park. Where'd you get that from? I've heard it. Well you've heard it. Yeah they've got a selection process.

What, Maca was whispering in fucking dodgy pumps. I don't know where they're going to be. I thought you told us, actually, someone told us it. But yeah, being cute don't just let any old shit into that car park, so there you go. So that was a good question, enjoyed. It was the only one. That was a good question.

A question here from Katie L. Can you recommend a good polish for my television stand? No, I'm interested in this because my television stand does get Proto-Dusty. And the do get dusty, but it is a thing. Right. It is a thing. What I do is is, if they do get dusty, don't they? They do, they do, they do. They do get dusty, don't they? Yeah. It's one of the dustiest airs in the world. Oh, doesn't it? What I do is, is when anyone firm a star is, yeah?

I write in the dust, RIP, whoever it might be, D-Boi, D-Boi, or whatever. And then... Isn't gentlemen, I've just done zip my jerkin to reveal a D-Boi, T-Shirt. And then the dust builds up again. Yeah, it somehow feels appropriate. It's like a morning process almost.

Yeah, and then the next death you can buy our ice cream. This fresh dust there feet the right the new one in eventually disappears as your grief subsides. Exactly. That's good. That's a trip. Our IPA Billy Chestnuts. Yes, there we are. Don't polish your television stand. Use it as a dust beer. A morning. A grieving center. Yeah. Okay. Tom Smith says, what's the best time for a bath? Ooh, I tell you what, I'm sure. I like a really early morning bath when it's really cold outside. Right. And it's called, my bathroom's cold as well.

And you know, the stains rising up off the bath. Ah, I can't be doing with that. So you're getting into the hot water from the cold and then you get out in the more cold. Yeah which is difficult. They are two difficult moments that bookend it. That fits the strain. But when you're hidden under that water, you know, you see if, couple of boiled eggs in there.

Yeah, beautiful. Yeah, see if, early evening for me I think, Stanley. Yeah, eight p.m. maybe. Yeah. Chad. Bath, bath, I tried bath. You have one a week. I don't do Stanley. 8 p.m maybe. Yeah. Bath bath bath bath. Yeah. Try bath bath. You have one a week. I don't do baths anymore I've shown.

I've did. People are giving up on baths that now I think it's a shame. I think it's a meditation and a good thing. One of the best baths I ever had was in about 2000 and 2005. Why was it so good? Because I downloaded a new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm illegally from off the internet. And I put the laptop at the end of the bath

and I watched that episode, it was 30 minutes long and I drank two cans of Stella while I was watching it in the bath. Beer and bath. Beer and bath and Larry David and I was beautifully pissed by the time I got out. What, two cans? Two cans and half an hour, yeah? Crime Files Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Georgian architecture. It is also the host of several coffee shops, including Costa Coffee, Cafe Nero and Starbucks.

On the 18th of February, its famous bath hall was the setting for the Gloucestershire Small Trades Association annual awards. The Master of Ceremonies was the setting for the Gloucestershire Small Traders Association annual awards. The Master of Ceremonies was the presenter of Homes under the Hammer, Martin Roberts. At a front table was seated local Nonsense Potter Neil Hunt. He had invited Cathy Samson, an assistant from the shop next door to his, that sold unnecessary candles and picture frames. Neil had his eye on Cathy ever since she had costed a shoplift on the pavement and picture frames. Neil has had his eye on Kathy ever since she had cost her a shoplift on the pavement outside his shop. She had grabbed him by the hair, pulled him to the ground and started biting at his calves. This was their first actual

date, and it was to end in tears. The ceremony started with the playing of Martin's famous TV theme tune. Martin entered the stage and began his introduction. Well, here we are in an old Roman baths, dishy now to wards. I expect the Romans would have found it all a bit unusual, a bit different, but I think they would have liked it. Neil Hunt. Who is this man? I mean, what does he actually do? Tell me, Kathy, what is it that he actually does?

He presents a TV show. That's a bit David Rollins in it. He presents TV show. Very famous, apparently. He was on the program, you know, where they have to live in the jungle for a few weeks. Well, I wish he'd stayed there. I don't mind telling you, he's already rubbing apart against the very end of my tits. Oh, you are funny, Neil. You say funny things. They make me laugh.

The funny things you say. Well, that's all well and good, but this is a prestigious ceremony, and this Todd Wallet is ruining the tone. Martin. Now, the next award is for the best retailer of leather and leather tulle goods, including handbags, wallets and gloves, but excluding luggage. I've always thought that handbags was a very strange name for the night and that is never actually used to star or cover the hands unusual a bit different but I like it. At this point Neil stood up at his table

and addressed Martin. I'll tell you what's unusual and I'll tell you what's a little bit fucking different and buying a tramp to present an award ceremony. You can hardly even speak properly and you look like you've been dragged along the gutter by a horse and fucking cart. The audience fell silent. You could have heard a plum descend. Well, that's a bit different. Been shouted at by a little Baldying Shopkeeper.

Oh, no, you're well, but I do like it. that by a little bald- security team who suggested him that it's time for him to leave. Leave? Are you joking? Are you actually attempting a joke on me? I should warn you that my brother owns a son's short shop that has recently started stocking multi-tools and my cousin Harriet owns an old book about poisoning. At this point, the security man grabs Neil Arm and Neck and prepares

to frogmatch him out of the hall. What are you doing? What are you actually doing? Why is it always little old me? I use bio degradable washi detergent and I feed my neighbor with the withered arm, two bowls of oats so simple every day. That's right, take the little new sits out of here and take his girlfriend with him. I can't bear to look at her. Her face reminds me of a shit I once had, a harvester pub. At this, Kathy leapt from the seat onto the stage, grabbed Martin by the hair and pulled him to the floor. She then repeatedly plunged her teeth into his calves until blood was streaming across the stage. After she was removed from the hall he was heard to say,

"'Savir, blood lost you to multiple bite incisions on the calf, that's an unusual age, a bit different, and you know what? I don't fucking like it! At the back of the hall Neil Hunt was watching on. Yes, yes, that's my girl, brought him down like a dropping tot. I'm Neil Hunt and I'm loving my life and I want you, Kathy, to be my wife! Grimes files. So that's that, Andrew. That's that. Oh, I don't want to get married.

That's not fair on anybody. It's after I'll tell you. Well, we'll probably find out what happens there, won't we? You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats, but ice tea and ice cream. Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats.

Get almost almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See out for details. Another bit of correspondence that we've had from the past and it was from John Deavies. And he says, question from Art Lawson. What are your top 10 times of the day? Nice. And it's my personal favourite.

It's 3.16 pm, but they also have a ponchon for 9.20 am. Be grit and know your thoughts. And I've sent that on the mark at least sent the wav. The wav, no. With these top 10 times of the day so let's have a little listen to that and show you. I'm Mark Lawrence and these are my top 10 times of the day, number 9.45 a.m. by this time in the morning I know what lies ahead in my day. Usually excitement of some kind, number 9.5.10 p.m. Barbara Smell to begin to

emerge from the kitchen area. Number eight, midnight, a rare late one but a good tiny thrill from the arrival of a brand new day. Oh, saying goodbye to a rotten old one. Number seven, seven oh seven p.m. Praise. Number six, one p.m. Time to watch the BBC news. I found the later bulletins to be far too shrill in hysterical. Number five, 11 a.m. That one again, this means a copper and a chateau with a garden fence with my neighbour Walter, his wife died in 2013. Number four, nine thirty P.M. Barbara and myself exchanged franking on as criticisms of each other's conduct during

that day. Tell her what I always go easy on. Number 3 8 am time to feed my rabbit and guinea. Number 2 2 10 pm countdown is on and I play along with the contestants. My win rate is a fairly decent 43%. And my number one time of the day is 10.25pm. Bit time. Bit time. I've been at Lawrence's and that's my top 10 times of the day. Oh nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we're everyone now I think. Someone's as the old man now we first met Robert. Oh! Um, he sent me normal love. Just regular love. Just regular love. I first met Robert and the charity raffle at the Scotch Corner Hotel, just off the air one day at Darlington.

We were occupying a joining rooms on the third floor. At about 6.30am the evening of the raffle, I decided to take a bath and shave off the worst of my shoulder hair, so it didn't ruin the lines of my dress shirt. Well, as I stepped into the bath, I slipped badly, put in my back out, laid on the floor naked as the day I was born, and with the short section of shoulder hair trapped in a crack on the bath panel. I cried out for help and very quickly a young man forced open the fire door on the shared balcony and entered the bathroom. I was 21st turn at the time and mistomac formed quite a puddle. Worst of all, my hand holding the razor was chopped beneath my stomach and I dared not move it for fear of cutting myself.

The young man Robert, as we now know him, didn't blink in Ireland. He gently lifted my stomach flat with a tube of tooth first and a screwing brush and released my hand. He then applied shaving gel to my shoulders and gently cut away the trapped shoulder hairs. Then he put his arms around my waist and gently lifted me to a seated position on the side of the bath. Our lips were so close I'm sure he could taste the pate on my lips. We should become friends, Robert. Help me raise money for Daphkitt and useless schools. Maybe up some fun on the way, yep? And Robert replied, I would like that very much. And the rest, as they say, is history. It's too late, see? I missed the older one. I didn't realise that. Robert, I didn't realise how much I missed him older one. I didn't realise that I did it. Robert till lead. Robert.

I didn't realise how much I missed him till lead. So at the other day I was up near Ali Palli again. Yeah. Regun shot the shot. Oh right, so what did you do instead then? No cells unnecessary. Oh shoot as in forever. Yeah.

I thought you just met a nice guy. I ain't never get me Regun back. So I popped into the slaughter's restaurant. Yeah. What happened in there then? Adrian Lewis was in there obviously. So I grabbed a boo then listened to what went on. So first thing I had was a waiter.

Good afternoon sir. Good afternoon to you. Welcome back to slaughter's and brace yourself for a meaty thrill ride, all the way up to planet Fookin' back. Oh, just as I have, I can like it. How are the starters looking today? Disgraceful sir. Oh, talk me through my choices. To Sir Keath, I'll think the food. Well, it sounds a bit Fookin' small, but I'll consider it. Well, we're offering deep fried fingers in a larker batter, served in a thick grey gravy.

Oh, grey, what's me other option? Port germs smeared on a... a ratchap! 100 and fork in 80, give me both of them. You've got me tit-trautating in both three directions you meet here or... Do you want to see? If you begin to see? If you begin to show me your tit sir, I will rip them both off and penetrate you with them.

Oh fuck off. No you fuck off. Right what about the mains? Get I recommend to this special sir, it's paraffin roasted donkey wattlots that have been insulted by run crags as he cooked them. Oh that's got me popping. What did he call them? Dead, devastated sir. Oh, no further questions.

I better order dessert now as well before my darting loungeery gets completely drenched. Very good. Can I recommend the three bird fiasco? It's an hour that's been stuffed inside a peacock. There's then been pure it and parted into a two-kin's beak. Can you drizzle some knee juice on the beak for it? Me to for me to lick out. To roll out a knee juice, sir.

So fucking sorry about that. That's fine. I'll probably only have upset stomach anyway. Go and fetch all of that, and I'll have a dessert boot full of hot dripping for a chair so I'll away. Very good sir. Oh oh oh and have you had contenting for me saying burn out? He's got the runs by the way. Well we found something mushy floating in the septic tank this morning, maybe a hitchhug, maybe a porky pain. Perfect, give him that you forker. Thank you sir. Oh, that time, Andrew, to be honest, I've

kind of lost me appetite, so I'll just nicks off. I'll just do that. You know, I'll just do that. That's past nips, is it, Andrew? I think it is. I've done another one of them, ASMR, whispering things. I'll put it after the music at the end so people can just divert themselves away from it if the date Oh, thank you. I've got more questions for we'll go. Just you know Thomas Taylor says what is your favorite hob on the cooker mine is bottom left and with Tom a bottom left Unfortunately my bottom left one on my present cooker is like a specialist walk one or something right So I'm having to use the bottom right. I thought you were going to see it's the little one.

But, no, it's like it's like, is it like electric convection? No, I can't, I don't understand them, it's gas yet. Right. I don't, do you like it? Top left, no, I've got a gas one as well. Top left to my favorite for CFD raisins. Oh, because you're all about safety, you know?

Because of the kids in that guy's thinking. Oh, can I do a recommendation for TV? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's just over Christmas. I absolutely gouged. Gouged? That's not that. That's gouged.

Gouged on a series called Alone, which is a survival series in Canada. Can you do it? Can you just make it worse? Yeah, yeah. What a rift experience. Is it, what's that on? Where Can you do it? Can you just make a little bit of what to riff succeed? Is it what's that on? Where do you access that? You have to look about a bit, you can get it, you can get it, some of it's a couple of Netflix,

no a couple of our own Amazon, but you might have to rely on daily motion. Right, okay, I'll once again recommend the JustWatch website, justwatch.com and you're putting in a name of program and tells you wait and you waiting at Amazon Netflix, Sky, whatever. Does it even tell you to tell your dodgy ones? No, I don't tell you dodgy ones. Oh well that's just legit sources. Well you know it's better than Naut! Fuck yeah, no.

I've been watching a couple of things catching a killer diary from the grieve. Not bad. It was on channel 4. I enjoyed that. Yeah. I murdered Trial, the disappearance of Margaret Fleming, which was on BBC2. Still on I play for another week and it's Scottish, it's actual caught footage of a trial and interviews with all the people around it. This one that disappeared. Of the two, I think I preferred the secrets from the

grave one. Did you? Well, because like, I haven't got to the end of Margaret Fleming yet, so the whole story is a puzzle. Oh, well, he's a puzzle, I don't know to the end of the microphone yet. So I was a puzzle. I mean in it perfect Yeah, it's a vicar. I don't know. I don't want to give me spoilers That's a good show. They're both still on catch up for about another couple of weeks And of course the mystery of 24 hours in police custody continues. Don't it when's it on? Is it a series? Just whenever the trailer put it on is it on all four cases is Repairs are very frustrating I put it on it. Is it on all four, Kazan? It is. Repetive. Very frustrating. Um, have we got any more?

On UK says tractor and attachment or combine harvest. I have no idea what that means. Tractor and attachment for me, you've got options, haven't you? Yeah, that good does give you options, yeah. Currently, have you got any ice lollies or ice creams in your freezer? Yes, but from last summer, so should probably get rid.

Do you know what they are? I've got ice pools, you know, like the long ones and I've got some dairy milk ice cream as well. They sound nice. Yeah. I've got a couple of magnums, I've got some fruit pastel lollies in a couple of calipers. Right. Looking forward to summer. Cut, we're stocking. Yeah. See you past nippers. Thank you. bye bye. featuring the contents of a Sondland kitchen. I'm opening a tube of mini chettas left over from Christmas. I'm gonna have a little bit of a rick around in them. I'm going to pack it in a chaffing case, I'm going to stroke. I hope you're finding that relaxing.

Lastly, there's a pot of strawberry jelly that I'm going to open and put my fingers in. There, I've took the foil a little of it. There's my fingers in the jelly. I hope you found that very relaxing. Tara.