Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 7: Seabass The Lion

Episode Date: March 11, 2021

Some lockdown-straddling bits from Parsnips 11 & 12 - Homeowner, Pearson, quizzing, a cinema visit, Neil Hunt and the SAS, and the Slaughters delivery service. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Athletic Opa Steps with me Bob Mortimer. I hope you're in good spirits and that your drains and outlets are flowing freely. I would like you to imagine that you're at home, at home, along seated on your favourite armchair watching a much loved movie. You have a hot mug of tea and a thickly-bottomed ham sandwich on a plate in your lap. When your gorgeous cat kernel short arms is gently purring on the cushion next to you, with the content in smile on your face you take a bite of your sandwich in a sip of tea. Then suddenly there is a loud wrapping on the door.

You pause your movie and answer. Before you stands a fat spherical northern man with chaotic ticks and a persistent cough. Alright mate, I've just moved in up the road. Thought I'd pop around, shake your hand. I've got to put the chicken dip as an old. Shall I come in? It is of course my co-host, Mr Andrew Dawson. He's multi-titted.

His face is synced pink. Skin the collar of batter. He spits on his chicken platter. Hello Andrew, how are you? Just feeling out there music there. I'm alright. You know, all things considered. Is that your isolation station I can see? This is my isolation station that I've been here. I're still there? Yeah, it's a bit weird, isn't it? I'll show you what I've got just to my right, Bob. Dadboard! Dadboard! Nothing could go wrong.

No, you lucky lad. Have you got enough space to throw, or is it in a two-foot room? I've got a long space there, right here. You do have as well. Lucky lad. You know Nigel Pearson, he's trying to get in on the Sean Daesh motivational web scene. He's surprised they're very much cut from the same cloth aren't they? Yeah, so he doesn't send it just to his players, right? He also, is it called

spams it? I don't know, but he puts it out on social media so his opponents team managers, team members managers will hear it. Does he do it? on social media. So his opponents team managers, team members managers will hear it. Does he do it? It's like a meme. Well, I suppose he's doing it. I mean, when you hear it, try and go viral. Maybe he's doing it as a threat.

These stools were on a fucking awful lot. Oh, fuck. We're in. I mean, we'll give them a shout out. It's a rebel base media from Cast Studios in Sheffield. It's wonderful. Apart from these fucking bouncy stools, they're just feel like I'm gonna fall off any minute now. Wonderful facility,

but bring your own chair. Yes or stand. So yeah, I can't play it to you if you've not heard it. All right, I'm ready if you're ready. My name is Nigel Pearson from Watford Football Club. I'll fight you in a heartbeat for you manage it player or sub. I'll grab your bad thoughts, I'll bite you on your head, I'll kick you round your ass off till you wish that you were dead. If you fight me you will lose, I'm very good at scrapping. What's that crack you hear? It's the sound of your neck snapping. I never need a reason.

I come at you out of the blue. By the time we've finished fighting, you'll look like an abandoned shoe. Playground sports field I don't care, I'll fight you in the attic I'll fight you in the attic if you're a polar bear. And remember, strangle, throttle, punch, bite, you've never known putting, till I destroy you in a fight. So there you are, the big lesson in it. And that's the Pearson way, is that it? That's the Watford way. That doesn't feel like the Watford way of recent times, but it might be a window to the future though, isn't it? Might well be.

Do you want to look quiz yeah go on good to go it's one of the same Amazon comment quizzes that I don't again well happens if I get one right I'll just say if you get right I'll just say Marlene thank you and if I get it wrong, if you get it wrong, I'll just say free sweeties. I'll just say I love wringles star. Now it is the extra two litre hot water bowl. Trying to visualize that two litres with a plush cover. That's quite a big bottle, isn't it? Yeah. Okay. It's not for the faint hearted. Here's some comments that people have left in reviews of it. Here's some comments that people have left in reviews of it. True or false, Bob? Not pressure. The stopper did not fit in the hole.

True or false? True. Marlene! Oh, you got it right. Nice. Strong start. All I can say is it's the best winter buddy of mine. False. Three sweeties.

Someone said that. Someone said that. That's a legitimate review. That's a legitimate review. My daughter fall in love with it. She wants to stay at all the time with this hot water bottle. Through her false. True. but she wants to stay at all the time with this hot water bottle. Through her full. True.

Marlene! Yeah, good. Nice. Final one. Does the job fine? It's not rocket science anywhere. He's through her full. Will I open through?

It's to the point. Marlene! Three out of four. Strong. Yeah, strong, very strong and they're good. It's to the point Three out of four strong strong very strong indeed good If I got far out of four what would it have been a powerful powerful power for okay, yeah, but you didn't so never mind Yeah, I'm we were on two. I'm a sea parasite. Oh the. The Oscar winner. I mean, we've been asking the crowd about the Southern way every night. What do you think about the organ?

Mm-hmm. Well, I didn't think too much of it, but it was a good experience, because I don't know whether it's a Northern thing or whatever, but I went into like the very early show in 1030 at one of the cinemas there. It's a Northern I'll sing. Absolutely empty.

Best time. But it's amazing because you get a sulfur and they're like a coffee table. Yeah. And there's just me. So it just felt like an enormous lounge, you know. So I bought me ticket off the block and he said, if you wait, an usher individually

take you to your seat. You've got your own individual. Yeah, because I knew you there. But actually, the thing was, there's a reason I told the story. The real reason was he wasn't in me to wait because he immediately started chopping up onions for me, up dog, right? Right. And I've never seen this before, and you know, like in cocktails slinging about cocktail for

mexel. He slung his knife about that. I don't know your technique. He's twirling it around then smack. Do do do do do do do. You know, like a sewing machine on it. I just knew he wanted me to watch it. Anyways, up.

What kind of life is that? It was brilliant, because he'd like, he'd throw one on you and up, right? It would land on his chopping board. He'd immediately put his hand on it to still it. Yeah. And then a dropping knife. I mean, it didn't actually hit the onion,

but it was very near. Do you have a visualized that correctly? I wonder how many lacerations you've got before you've perfected something like that. Yeah, the other thing was, is the bloat took me some seat right, on me little soul for and all that. He did a little speech at the front before the film,

you know what I'm saying, how long the film was turning your phones off. And it amused me in a sort of like observation comedy way that he could have just come and sat next to me and thought that he had a conversation with me. And so beautiful screen, beautiful sound in that. And then just before the film start in the block,

onion chopper man, he comes back in, right, puts me up dog and coke just at the perfect time, right, just as it's about to start start and then just whispers in me here Take your fucking strides off and bend over the back of the sofa you fed prick Well, what was I meant to the one they had seen as knife skills and he had his knife in his hand So I just did what I was told he says now point your ramp up towards the Dolby speaker above the screen I am a scream and it won't the movie. Not that, you know, the Usher block, and run back in and spread knife guy with a very touchy, really sauce called the Scorpion's Tets. Oh. And he was

rolling around in Agony Island. And the floss says, wow, thank you so much. Would he really have made me put the whole lot up there? He says, you batmite and the hot dog, game bangers, you got the fucking love them. I've had a motivational weapon from Barry. Oh, yeah. So, not very long, he's busy lad. Bies!

Hi, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh- Polycotton mixes a sweet spot, but I won't call the size too small so your neck and head are bulging. That way the underlings will assume your grey matter is bulging with initiatives, thrusts and abstractions, all of which could be actionable in a later date. I won't let you down, I'll just take you up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up and do the business sky, and you feel, feel, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up,abass. I thought that was a lion called Seabass, that one was a nice... That's a great name for a lion. Oh, I still haven't got the penguin news, I don't look while you were doing that. I couldn't find the, I don't think there is any, to be honest.

You should see. What's behind the door? Yes, I know. Yes, I know. What's behind the door? I don't know. I just don't know. Well, that's come a bit what behind the door. I don't know Well, that's come a bit out of the blue what's behind the door Bob three things you can choose to go through the door and have a look Oh, not it's up the you know number one an inflatable back lean an inflatable inflatable back lean Back for under back of an house back lean a back lean, you know, you got your back alley That's what you call it where you're from don't want it on a little bit of a back alley. You know, you got your back alley. That's what you call it where you're from. Don't want it on. Look at it.

Inflatable back alley. Imagine that though. I don't hire it out for parties and events. And that couldn't you? Well, people bounce on your back alley. It's what the longer it's inflatable. The sides are inflatable. Now for you, the puncture. Stride up and down. I feel the puncture with the modern. I do get a lot of broadcasting about alley, don't you? Here you go. A lot of those young and strax ups with the the pointy bits on the soles and all.

And the tips of the collar. No, I don't want to look at that. Right. David Sullivan's personalized knacker rinsing contraption. West Ham chairman rinses the knackers. It says removing all the dust and grime and the worst product is in Drinda Whey and released into the local fast food takeaway ecosystem. I think he's probably quite dusty knackers, don't you?

You're going in. I might have a peek at that, yeah. Just a little stuff around the corner. I don't go all the way in, right, fair enough. Finally, Aca Bilk, of course, he's using the machine to smash up with Lord of Ritz Krakers that he's got, and he's all in his hat. So he's got some kind of like power tool.

Grindin' and grindin' and grindin' until they're nothing but dust. Okay. Obviously, Acair is shit fist first. It's well, it's a bit of a dusty special listening with alleys and knackerdust and stuff. Well, the only one I might spend a little bit longer. Look at Aka. No, I'm going to look at David Gold's knackered, rinsing contraption. Yeah. No, to Aaka, yes to Naka. Naka, Naka, you know, Naka's got to fucking sober up and I've got to stop encouraging him. Fair enough. I'm Michael Laurence, and ever since the lockdown, I've been buying all my goods on the dark

web, because I read somewhere that it's totally jam-free. Here my top 10 dark web purchases so far. Number 10, 36 pre-stained fence panels. Number 9, some Egyptian underwear. Number 8, a bundle of random personal data or data, however you choose to say it. Number 7, a stainless steel icicle, ornamental. Number 6, 10 pack of printer paper. A4, number 5, some bedding plants. Number 4, the very best of hot chocolate on CD. Number 3, a model of the Taj Mahal made out of lulley sticks. Number 2, some trickle past its best before date,

but still perfectly fine in my mind. Final number one, a full-size national flag for a country that doesn't actually exist, but was in a film. There you go, put a look on the dark web if you can find it. Not a nice amount to post that in. Yeah, I think so.

He's dealing with the current situation quite well, I think. He was in the dark web. Do you know what I think I'll do? I'm going to do crown files, what you think of that? Wow! I wasn't ready for that but I can be. Yeah. Go on. I'm sorry it's a bit long, a bit of a, you know, I'll just get stuck into it Andrew. Yeah, go on then. Watch out for the d-d-ders. I'll try. Do you want me to give you a- when I need one? That would kind of tick the mood a little bit I think well you'll just have to spot them then

crime The Hampshire town of Stockbridge is one of the smallest towns in England with a population of just What was that I just did a dare sorry? The hat in England with a population of just over 600, it sits astride the River Test and at the base of the Stockbridge Downs, a caring quiet and law-abiding community until the late 8th of August 2017, when blood ran through the crystal clear waters of the River Test. Yay!

It was mid afternoon on a beautiful hidden stretch of the river near Bossington Hall. Local nonsense potter, Neil Hunt was enjoying a peaceful backside picnic of cheese and pickle. Bread, pork pie and a chocolate brownie. He was approached by a short, squat, over-exercised bloke, sporting a beard and wearing designer military clothing? It was Aunt Middleton, the thinking man's moron. Ha ha ha! Tee hee hee! Oh that night, have you caught any fit?

How does this fake? He's a bit like Johnny Rottenfick. He's a bit higher speaking than you've figured it. Yeah, yeah. Oh that night, have you caught anything? What business is it of yours? Johnny Wottenby, he's a bit higher speaking than you've been feeling. Yeah, yeah. All right, now, it had to be called anything. What business is it of yours? In what way could that be described as business in which you are any concern?

Can you just move on, please? I'm not your mate, nor do I want to be. Why are you so angry? You need to talk about it. You need to address your feelings. And, pray, why would I want to talk about my feelings to a pumped up stranger that's just crept up on me like a stout captain bird's eye?

Well, I'm a kind of thire-collegist. I've got all the bingo, pull yourself together. Just let it out. Stay positive. Reach deep inside yourself. Get real, you're death-basted, no pain, no gain. Where did you pick up that nonsense from the leaflet? They give out at the gym, I'm not interested, just move on, will you?

If you don't talk to me, I'm going to beat you up with my thick tattooed arms and my powerful gripping fires. Well before you do anything rash, let me inform you that my brother owns a sword shop that stocks all weather matches and fire-nighters and my sister's ex-boss owns a small factory that is the main supplier of flammable gels in the southwest of England. Now walk on you puffed up hobbits. Nothing can hurt me, not even fire. I could eat fire and not suffer a blister. You could slash more tits off with a sword and they would grow back twice as strong and twice as beautiful. So answer my question, have you caught anything Neil refused to reply? Aunt reached into his backpack and pulled out one of them black hudds that cover a bloke's face so he can't see now. Hunt leapt over to Neil and started to force the hud over his head.

Less chance, mate. Have you caught anything? Get off me! Get off me you dark pigeon! Get off me! The hud was now over his head. Why is it always little old me? I hope, rather than the clothing exchange at my local church,

and I always weep when I see the donkey cruelty adverts. Honestly, it's like I'm fucking cursed. However much I contribute to this poxy world. I'll shut the f*** up. Now I'm going to march you over to that bench over there with your head in the hood. That's about six feet away. What's the point of the f***ing hood? It makes me feel military and Middle Eastern. It's a great vibe and frogmuches them over to the bench and removes the hood. Are you feeling disorientated now? No, I know

exactly where I am. That's my pork pie over there just behind you. I bet you feel scared though, I bet you're, you're my physique and my ultra flat personality is getting to you. No, not really, I'm Neil fucking hunt and I'm not easily spooked. Oh, get you, we'll see about that. Ant takes a replica, SAS night out of his extreme warrior brand backpack. I'm going to sit the really big R to me in your leg if you don't answer my question. Well, so be it, I'm happy to die, but before you would, would you share my chocolate brownie with me as a kind of last supper. Oh you've got more balls than our four. Yes I am a very unruble vogue and of course you have a lot to be granted a final wish by your captain Neil and Ann share the chocolate brownie in silence. Suddenly Suddenly, Ant grabs at his throat and starts to gasp for breath. His eyes begin to bulge

and his mouth starts to foam. It's... it's a nuts in the cake! Ha, fuck it, yes! Fuck it, yes there is! Lots of fucking nuts! I knew it! I knew you would have a nut allergy! You fucking muscle fool! Neil placed the hood on to Ant's head to muffler's spitting and groaning and then frog marched him into the river as he watched him and drift into the distance. Did I catch anything? Yes! A fucking monster chub!! Haha, I'm Neil Hunt and I'm loving my life! Well, that's not middle, and it was down there, um,

Neil got the better of him. He did, he did. What would your final wish be if you're Captain Grant, a geofinal wish? Oh, because I was a small craft suppose I'd like a final cigarette. Fag, something like that, yeah. Yeah, what you think of that as an answer? It's a decent answer, yeah. You came up with it quite quickly which is good.

It's a good decent answer, isn't it Andy? Yeah, I like decent answers. Right, so we've had some questions are we under? Yeah, yeah, Mike Sheerid says, what's the worst lockdown meal you've eaten so far? I've only had one bad one, I combined a tin of sardines with some baked beans, it was shit. I think Mike's steak pie carrots and fucking peas earlier on was my worst. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because it was a great, really rubbish. Stuart Gilchrist says which bird is more of a shit house of pigeon or a seagull? It's got to be a seagull, isn't it? It's got to be, isn't it? I mean, the pigeon got that daft walk, isn't it, which is quite a pig. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And the amount of harder seagull distributes. I mean, I get a lot of seagulls around here, because I'm neither the seagulls. And if you go down the seaburn where I live and you're trying to sit and have a bag of chips outside Fucking no chance they'll come down to me. Got any nesting in your roof or out Not as far as I know now you'd know about it wouldn't you? Yeah, it's a big problem. You can't you can't show to me Because the queen wants them and she is it does she. No I don't know if that's true but you they're protected. Hmm, Joel says I can manage it they can't be contact with the older manduero lockdown I think we've dealt with that one. Johnny Devine says did you

see the picture of the eagle in Australia carrying off the piglet? Oh I wish I had. No. I ain't saying that Andy. Maybe I'll say it one day. I don't know, but I haven't seen it yet. I saw a picture of a sparrow walk taking a spotted woodpecker, made me very sad. Did it? You have got that lovely little red out there woodpecker. And you were so sure that we would be in our lot. It was a shame to say that a bit of a, I think the sparrow it reminded me of like a dirty macum.

Oh, you know, like a bully, like a thief. It's beautiful woodpecker. Like maybe he's a stocked in woodpecker or something like that. I think someone asked, someone asked, it was Amy actually about spursing in your fridge shelves, you know, whether you can one high have one like deep. I mean, yeah. She says, what's the optimum spacing your fridge shelves, you know, whether you want one high I've got to fit them in, yeah, she says what's the optimum spacing for fridge shelves? Do you do it evenly or do you have one big shelf or say your letters as broccoli or do you fit all of these in your salad Draw and if you do allow for a larger shelf space on one level, what do you delegate to your more narrow shelves?

To me, that is the archetypal question for this podcast, really. That's what we're all about. Beautifully phrased. Yeah. Mine fairly even. I don't have a thin one. I don't know what I put in it. What do you do? What do you do when you occasionally get a taller item that you can't get on the shelves? I'll always find a way. I'll put it on its side or I'll put it in the door. There's always a way, I'll put it on its side or I'll put it in the door. There's always a weird, I've never, ever had to reach shelf the fridge to accommodate something. I mean, your Bobby II fridge is,

you're not have a problem. Exactly, hello, baby, baby IIF. You see, this question gets to the heart as to why a man of substance like me, you know, a charismatic, hard-thinking character has two serious figure. Yeah, a serious figure, yeah, a big man. Yeah, of course you are. Why you have two fridges?

Because fridgette, the left fridge on myise, I have a deep, you know, a higher shelf, so that there's a bigger gap. And in Frigie, I have them all even. So when I get the occasional bigger item, a carton of tomato juice, a big Helmann's Merners, I use Frigie. Straighten the Frigie. My top shelf is the biggest, I can get a big jar of helmets on top shelf Yeah, can you get a get a

And I can get a 500 mil canna lager on there as well So there we are We've got this one some Tim Hullardy. He says possible unit dent I'll let you decide Bob. I'll read it out He says I was bored and tried to learn a juggle. It was going okay when one of the balls went up in the air and disappeared.

Gone, just gone. He says, ten minutes later, I realized it landed on top of the door. The one and a half inch door frame, the ball had just landed and stayed up there. He says, what are the odds? Does it qualify? I'm giving it Andy. I'll have a celebration. Yeah. Yeah. You'll need dent. Absolutely. You need dent I think. Any other questions Andy? I think that's about it.

I've got from the questions. Pretty much. Yeah. Have you got anything else you want to bring to the party? Of course, I want to wish all our lovely past-knit people, you know, a good health and happiness during this awkward period. And I mean that, I hope everyone's all right. Yes, stay indoors, wash your hands and all of that. Yeah, because you've got the scary times. Yeah, this is scary times, yeah started I got a little cough last night Because I've been isolating so intensely. I thought I'm absolutely safe That started coughing for about five minutes And it's gotten there's no problem, but I got very scared. Yeah, I got my big psychosomatic

Well, yeah, maybe a bit because of course I've got a heart disease so I'm a bit vulnerable. Have you? Yeah, it's... Yeah, yeah, so there you go. Hey, I don't know if you heard this, it was on Talksport earlier on, the slotters, you know, the restaurants, the Donal Home Delivery Service now. Oh nice one. And it was an advert on for it.

So, um, let's have a listen to that. No available. The slaughter's restaurant, home delivery service. Place your order online and it'll be shipped to your home. You can choose between contact- free delivery or a full contact experience from run cracks himself. So, for concern here about that, this week's specials include, poor liver patia that had a load of flies rammed into it, rack of rhinoceros lips, slow roasted,

In a hospital in Sinnerietta, in the middle of the night. Lies, slightly boiled. Teenage kidney pig cheeks, pureed and served from the top of a dull skull. And a slototted steady burger. A rabie burger that's been frustrated with some muck. And... Enjoy the slotted experience in the comfort of your own home. And do I think a switch I like so when you eat

for the maximum experience No fuck off There you go, so I like the sound of that dish that was cooked during the night Yeah, yeah food. I don't know. I think you got their first book page in order through there or something like that Thank you, Andy. Are you happy with that? I'm happy with that. We'll be back with some more soon. Perhaps soon or... Okay then. See you everyone. Tadah! you