Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 9: Bristle Situation

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

Steve and Casper visit Asda, the White Harts clean their teeth, Lawro is in the bedroom, and we answer some of your questions. (Rec: Sep 2020) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello boys and girls and welcome to Athletico Passnips with me Bob Mortimer. I hope you are being languid in your activities and greedy when it comes to the main cakes and recent viewing opportunities. Imagine if you all will that you are on the final green at your favourite golf course about a pot for victory. Suddenly, as you line up the shot, a spherical, damp skinned and heavily-titted man emerges from the bushes, brandishing an infinity rocket-placx plastics, Excel, turbo leaf blower. Turn that off, you say. Felt off and die in a pit of golf and misery! I'm the reply, because yes, it is of course my co-host, Mr Andrew Dawson.

Oh, Mr. Norfiest, face like a shamed priest, Oh, Mr. Weaside, so sweaty and coquite. That's the intro song Andrew. It's been a long time. What was it the golfer said? Turn that off. Turn that off. Turn that off. Turn off your infinity rocket plastic's turbo.

So yeah Mr. Northeast, Mr. Weissart, and Andrew, thank you very much. I am safe. You're lovely. You're wearing some kind of, I'll call it a sweatshirt. A lot of... Well, regret shirt, either way.

It's got, I don't think... I'll tell you what's a bit controversial under, it's all the little kits with the sponsors on from Sunderland, yeah? Yes. And the one that, yeah. The one that sell the 80s onwards. Early 80s.

The one that's central to your vision is cowies. Now where I'm from, cowies is a name for knockers. All right. So isn't that interesting that on your knockers you got in the center. Right in the center it says cowies. Right in the center of me tits there. Cowies where I was from, I was still I'm from, cowies was undercrackers. Oh yeah cowies. You're underpants. Yeah. We're not that far away geographically where we grow up, but that's a big difference from knockers to underpants.

Yeah. It's a world away, isn't it? Yes, sure she cowies. Cowies. Mm. Very different things. Very different. The, um, I, I, I don't know, New Zealand with regard to,

I would know, I'm sorry, I took, but the cat. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I had an interest in incident with the, do you know where I, from, where I'm from? We call your trousers, your pants, yeah. Are you the same? No, your pants is again. You're undercrackers.

No, I'm not. So when I was doing, gone fishing with Paul, we had a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a with Paul, we had a born arrow competition and the loser had said to Paul, losers got to take the pants down which I meant you don't just drop your trousers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, of course Andrew, was victorious and he dropped the lot. Did he? Taking pants to be underpants. The whole thing. Yeah. Is wobbly PLS was exposed to the natural environment. It's not wobbly, it's borny, it's borny. Isn't it interesting Andrew, the confuute?

Isn't that a real life example of language causing amusement? Chaos, stroke amusement. I mean, just between me and you, the year night, nine divides us, but the language's like two different worlds, isn't it? It is, yeah. There you go. Something to think about, isn't it? It is.

I think. So my lockdown activities, you know, I was used, I was quite vibrant, quite imaginative for a while, but they've completely flatline now. Right. That's my every day is the same. I watch the real housewives of, I've done New York City, I've done Orange County, I've

done Beverly Hills, I'm now on Jersey, yeah. Right, okay. I drink IPA and I start much earlier than the show. I eat chocolates and macaroni cheese. Macaroni cheese and I sleep. That's me life. That's terrifying. So you went that we were fishing for a while, didn't you?

And you just now cut off housebound again. That's finished. Yeah, did three shows during the lockdown. So the only things I've been putting out of the house for doing three fishings, three fishing trips, and putting out my bins. Done it. Jesus. I mean, I bought a hammock. Bob.

Yeah. I bought myself a hammock and that really enhanced what there was of the summer. And there wasn't a lot of summer, let's be honest. So what was pretty disappointing? Tell me about the attachment either end you're a bulky character. What have you attached to? It comes with a frame. It comes with a metal frame. You assemble it. It's portable, you say, take it to the beach if you want, take it into the woods, take it

anywhere you like. Yeah. Put it up, attach it up, get your hammock there and have a bit of a lie down anywhere you want. I imagine you take it down the sewers and watch the tards float by, do you maybe I do yeah, yeah, so what's wrong with that now? Listen up three three of the classic lockdown Um In you know what I don't know what the word is things to do during lockdown. I want to say if you've done them Have you hired a skip during lockdown? No, but I've considered it. I have hired You've hired a clear out of you.

Well, you know, it's funny how that comes. Isn't it a funny psychological thing with locked down and you start wanting to throw shit out? Yeah. Have you bought an exercise bike? Yes, I have. Me too. It's in me dining room area. Yeah, mine's just being on me just in front of me, Tilly. area. Yeah, mine's just be honest in front of me, Tally. Right in front of you, Tally. I will say as well, I'll just add the hammock can be assembled in the living room in front of the Tally as well. I can do hammock. All year round hammock. Hammock viewing. Hammock viewing. Not a bad name for someone that, is it? Hammock viewing, yeah. Yeah. It was 40 quid from little, right? It's the best 40 quid I've ever spent.

I'm not lying. Are you sure about that? What about you first back in fact? I'm certain fact that. Not best 40 quid I've ever spent. It's going to give you a lifetime of hummagn until it collapses. You know, with your sweat pooling on the back area,

that is, you know, make sure you get an engineer in every now and then the test is tolerances. Final lockdown classic. Have you filled your garden waste bin for the first time ever? No. No, regularly fill me garden waste bin. I've got a bit of lawn that I need to cut. So that you regularly fill it.

You're only meant to put garden waste in there, not human waste, Andy. No, regular regular, regular grass cuttings. And a tip of peelings and egg shells. And I'll lie. Anything nature goes in there. I forgot off of you a couple of names at the start there, which I meant to do. Go on then.

Just to cut all, you can be Jeff Weifer. He's a very successful George Clooney lookalike and he's trying really hard not to be racist anymore, he had a problem with that in the past, or you can be Continental Breakfast, that's Muffins, Bread, Beagles, Quasar and Serial Pears trees, that's not actually a person, that's actually a Continental Breakfast. I like the name though, I do. You can be that if you want, or you can be Hankeet want. Or you can be hungry, Tom. Do you know I'll be content with breakfast

because I always like, I always like the, I remember once, um, been in Newcastle at the Malmais in the summit and the, the last come out, come over and said, would you like, um, to choose your breakfast? Would you like to choose your breakfast from the menu or would you like the continental shit stone? So maybe I'll be called that continental shit, shit stone. You could be

continental shit stone, go for it. We've got a few questions in from the passing of this. Here's one from James Summers, he says, say it's got in touch and want to do you to invent their 50th variety, what would it be? 58th variety. Because they do 57 varieties. I think they do more than 57 varieties now. But I reckon, I reckon a whole pig in a tin. What's your reckon?

It's a shrunk tin. Be like a dustbin, wouldn't it? But shrunk down? No, I think they're pulling it in the big tin. The big tin, like one of them cater and tins. Yeah, and then you get one of them. They're cooking it, and it's all its own juices and everything. And jelly and that.

Yeah, pig, pig 58. That's my answer to that. Pig 58.. Andrew. I can't I can't improve on that. I don't think. Colin Boo, he says, you would like to know our favourite train tradesmen and why paint as a decorate as mainly wear white. Well, I'll tell you a good question. I hadn't had a glazier in for a while, Andrew, but I had one in three weeks ago. And I think there might be me favorite. I mean, to put one, they've got ladders, you know, and that puts them towards the top of the tree,

anywhere. But secondly, the mystery of putty. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. The application of it, does it harden? Well, it's an extraordinary substance. So I like to have the, and it smells nice. I like to have the glager in me house.

It does. My favourite, gonna be the plasterer. Oh yeah. Because when the plaster in the sealant that get the wear them sort of things on their feet. Stilts. Look, they're like little stilts, yeah. Yeah.

And they'll walk around on them. So that's my favourite. Yeah, you'd like Disney light. I don't think anything. You'd like Disney light on them. I think decorators wear white. I'm not quite sure what I'm about. I think it's something to do with snowballs. Is it?

I think so, yeah. I thought it would be just a show off, you know, the paint that they've got on themselves just to prove that they don't summer. You're right, I've done some at boss. I've got to spill the bit. Yeah, spill a bit on me. Self. It's proof that I'm actually working. Hey, Andy, Andy, you know, big thanks to the put of obviously Winfinity rocket plastics. I bet you're

interested to find out what Steve McLaren and this snake, Casper, I've got a few in lockdown out. Oh, very much so. Yeah. Right, well, here goes. The day before the lockdown came in, right, the Tuck Steve's clown car to the retail pack to stock up with suppliers from Azda, you know? So that's a nice place to get your suppliers from.

In it, Andrew. Is the panic buying anytime soon, yeah? Definitely. Casper likes to sit in the little bit of the trolley. You know where you can put your kitty Yeah, what what you generally put in that bit Andrew like do you say like use that area for your veg or for meats or for Frozen rest me stomach rest me stomach in it got ya and Takes the wit off for a while, you know, right? So they're good Takes the wit off for a while, you know what I mean?

Right, so they're good. Right Casper, we need to go up and down every single aisle like a military strike force. You know, like it's a hostage situation. I bought a little swap cap for you to wear and I've got a Rambo style that I've hidden in me 100% easy breathed stretch, airline slacks. So Casper, did you bring a list of what you need? Casper nods and Steve takes a little shopping list out of the leather pouch around Casper's neck. Steve reads it out.

12 bottles of list terrain. 8 bottles of Malibu. 10 bottles of Dissarano, forty-eight cans of Polish Lager and twelve bottles of Bookfast. This is just booze Casper. Anyone would think you're not looking forward to being unlocked down with me. You can have one bottle of sweet pail cream cherry and that's it. Casper pushes out a little round tardan into the trolley. I thought we could get fun things, you know, like sugar coated yum-yums and caterpillar

cakes, some midsum, murdered and quite old DVDs, some silly sausage and a big bag of nutty, toughy shite. Casper turns his back on Steve. Oh come on Casper don't be like that, you're breaking my fragile heart. Look I'll get you one bottle of bokeh. But Casper doesn't turn round. Okay and a family side's list of rain. Casper turns round with a big grin on his face. That's better Casper. When I see your precious smile, all I can think of is porcelain rainbows,

sweets of fluffy nougat and child's laughter. It fills my heart with buttery warmth. They arrive at the toilet roll section, and there's only one packet of eight rolls left. Oh look, Casper, let's be in the right-old run on the poopy roll. We just got here in time. At that very moment the bloke pushes past Steve and grabs the last pack of toilet rolls from the shelf. Excuse me sir, I was here first and I was just about to get that package of poopy poop rolls.

What you talking about? Are you some sort of bastard? To make McCarthy. Excuse me with the language, that's not a word I want my cuspitor here. What bastard? What kind of bastard does a lot of word bastard? This kind of bastard, you would thank you. Now can I have my Pope-Harrolls back, please?

Pope-Harrolls, what a bastard of a phrase. You can go take a rolling jump you bastard! Stop saying, bastard! I'm not saying bastard, you're creepy bastard! Give me the knower else I'll shout at you like a prison officer! At this point Steve grabs older the toilet rolls and the tug of war commences. Caspitex is swig of his bookie and looks on with delight. They're my poise-sates! What a bastard!

First comfort said, you don't know that that's the actual Lord, aren't you? The laws are bastard! Bastard! You well bastard lump you! But Steve holds on like a terrier, even syncing his teeth into the rolls for extra purchase. Mick has had enough and pushes Steve onto the floor. Mick jumps a stride him, puts his hands around his throats and begins to throttle him. Die you bastard!

Suddenly Casper leaps from the trolley. He slides himself along Steve's leg and removes the rambo now from the easy-breed airline slacks and pushes it next to Steve's hand. Steve feels the cold steel and grabs it. He places the blade next to Mixface. Let go of your dosy, row-rude bastard! Or I'll cut you up like a Mr. Mankere, into a kiddie's party! Mix releases his grip and backs away. That's it, get out of my sight, you road man! Oh Casper, you've saved me again. You're my special hero.

You're like a party cop filled with squirrels tears and friendliness, Syrup. Come on, let's go and get that crate of Malibu and get fucking pissed. If it gives you the shits, no worries, because we've got plenty of popes to claim up. Casper smiled and they're both laughed as if every individual sheet of toilet roll in the country had just let out a little Tommy squeaker. So that was their little day in Aster. What were the past that was said? This is a bit, I don't know, blue, it could be.

I don't want any blue stuff, please. It's well, you know, it's dingrium and he said, what I'm art learned since top 10 sexual positions. So I put that to know, it's Dingerium and he said, what are Mark Lerenson's top 10 sexual positions? So I put that to mark and it got back to me and hopefully it'll be fairly family friendly. Well, I'd better bloody add by. Well, I'd never use a vulgar phrase like sexual positions but here at my top 10, let's call them romantic routines

that Barbara and myself enjoy and we've given our own special pet names to. Number 10 Taking the Horse to Water Number 9 Cancelling a Direct Debit Number 8 Knocking out the number one seed in the quarterfinals Number 7 Australia Number 6 Loving the Alien Number 5 Driving Miss Daisy Number 4, hosting the Eurovision, two years in a row. Number 3, escalating the complaint. That one's my favourite, but Barbara isn't quite sick in on it. Number 2, the multi-coloured swap shop. And number 1, is being affected by one

of the issues in tonight's show. There we go. Hope that wasn't too blue for you over. There's a letico pass nips. That was quite there we are. It was pretty family friendly. I think it leaves a lot of the imagination, I think, as to what those romantic routines are. Yeah. But you know, if you're in a love and relationship, you want to try them at home, you know, feel free. We had a question from a past that McColle and himself, Mike, Mike McCarthy, he said, I'd be interested to know our Peter, Peter Bezier's coach, we're not been able to go out for a good stare during the lockdown. So I up a fond up pizza and they gave a nice little answer so here we go.

Thanks for the question Mick. I'm actually perfectly happy to enjoy simple interior stairs. Some of my favourite interior stairs are the corner of the line or under the bridge which has an interesting curved lip on it. The ramp scale stand on the shower head that looks a little bit like my hamper candy and the key for bleeding the radio is which has fallen down the back of the oven. If I shine a torch on it I can stare at it for hours. Thank you, Mike McCaffey. That's nice of him to bother, wouldn't it? Thanks for the personalised at the end as well, Lea.

Have you been watching the Tottenham documentary on Netflix? I've watched episode four and five. I haven't seen one, two or three. I'm watching it in just random orders. Okay, well, you know, I... I managed to get all of a deleted scene, you know, once again, a big up to me met at Infinity Rocket Plastics who've put some spyware in. So, in particular, big

shout out to Wolf and Conker from Infinity. So, it's an extended version of the scene where Debbie Alley and Ari Tinky-Wingey and some others are talking about the correct way to clean your teeth. Right, yeah. So it started with Debbie. Wegsy, do you run your toothbrush under the tap before you put the toothpaste on?

Or after? I do it before brethren. I like to get them bristles damp and plumb in it. What's your bristle? What's your bristle situation Eric? For our weeks put water on After on after burst. You must be heard in there, that's well dangerous in terms of toothpaste slippage. Let's ask the boss, Harry, do you wet your toothbrush bristles before you put the toothpaste on, after? I wet them before and after I put the toothpaste on, it's a fail-safeful proof of porch.

And then I say, let's do this. Let's clean these fucking teeth. Come on. Ha ha ha ha ha. Do. Boss, do you put your feet in your shoes before you put them on or after? I'm not off together. She blood says wixie. The

kitman puts mine on and I never remember to look for the purpose of to find this out. Honestly gangsters are sometimes sometimes you can be very frustrating and on the ignorant side of bird wind. Next thing is you'll be telling me that you put your aftershave on before you shave and they all laugh. Debbie, good one, boss. You as a professor of humour and lightheartedness. Eric, why is that funny?

I think the clothes in the names that Eric slow my end of the drabary people aftershave is used after your shave. Well I never what a fucking shocker. It comes Joseph, let's ask him about the toothpaste. Say Gaffer, do you run your toothpaste under the tap before or after you put your toothpaste done? The most important thing is that you believe. To clean your teeth successfully, you must be a bastard. Good guys don't get clean teeth. Look at the teeth on Feminol. You think he got them by being a good guy?

But Gaffer you ain't an answer the question in it. For me it's not a question of when the water is applied but whether you acknowledge that family friendship and loyalty are the most important factors in success. You don't claim you taste Gafferord, do you? Use on the bluff then, you've panicked. I think it best not to talk about these things. All I would say is we eat without teeth, but we speak to each other without tongue. Friendship and family, friendship and family. That is all that matters. Oh come on Gaffer, just answer the question. I Don't use toothpaste toothpaste is for good guys good guys are losers. Are you salt and beef spread? We are about to arrive give the team talk Arigives this team talk

Eric gives his team talk Come on, let's not smash it, come on, let's come on And that's where the scene ended Right, I've got a new quiz format and a new quiz for you You're a quiz format Yeah, I'm going to give you what? In all honesty is like a list of agricultural equipment and grouting tools and supplies yeah right but hidden amongst this list are two items that are incorrect i.e. they're not

agricultural equipment or they're not grouting tools or supplies okay how long's the list Grouting tools or supplies, okay? How long's the list? I think it probably goes to about 18 So just listen see if you can see see if it's spot them all right Do I just shout out when I know one's not I want to know at the end Oh, you can shout out. It's I mean this is a new format shout out if you want. We'll just feel a little we're through it. Yeah, all right. They're good Oh, if you want. We'll just feel a little bit through it. Yeah, all right. Good Seed drug Thresher Rotovator

Flakeropper Rake Sickle Post driver that one silo,ake the actual grout Grimmel tile sealer cutter comb that one. And that's the end of that Andrew. So you went crazy. What are you going to go for then? I can't remember. I didn't write them down.

Well, I should have written them down. Okay. Now I got for agricultural machinery. You went for post-driver. Yeah. Yeah. Incorrect. The correct answer was silo.

It's not agricultural equipment or machinery. It's just a building. Grouting was Gremel. That was just made up. You went for... I think I said Gremel as well. I don't know, but well, if you you did I'm happy to give you one. But what do you think of the format? Tiasome, Dairy. Oh yeah. Yeah. It needs a bit of work I think.

Fair enough. It felt like too much information. In one blast. Yeah well some people, you know, some people with wider minds will be able to cope with it. Do you know what I mean? But not my mind. Not your mind. Thank you, past nippers, for cope with it. Do you know what I mean? But not my mind. Not your mind. Thank you, past nippers, for sticking with us. We'll be back with you again soon.

Very soon. Thank you. Bye-bye. See you, and a... Thank you.