Athletico Mince - Ep. 102 - Saturday Crisps

Episode Date: April 9, 2020

We hear from our spy in Dubai, there’s a nonsense potter stand-off, Homeowner, Omsk, a quiz and more… Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Athletico Mintz with me Bob Mortimer. I hope your emergency haircuts have not turned out to be too grotesque and that you still have a plentiful supply of sweets and pastries to see you through these difficult times. I would like you to imagine if you will that you are riding on the path through a dense pine forest to top the back of a giant hound. A head of you is the rendezvous where you are to meet your one true love. You command your hound to speed up so as to arrive in good time for your liaison. And then up ahead you observe what can only be described as a rolling fat ball, curiering towards you. It has multiple fatty appendages

and a huge grinning face. The noise it makes as it travels can only be described as a kin to a large snowman being kicked by an octopus. It stops and blocks your way. Can I come and watch it? I won't try and join in! It is of course Andrew Dawson. Mr Fat Ball, face like a damp wall. Oh Mr Andrew, what? Oh, close stink of home brew Greetings Andrew Hi, I love it You almost landed on the right moment there to do the chorus, but you were about... I don't know, six seconds out maybe

What is it? No cigar or something, is that what I'm saying? Some of that, yeah No cigar So Andrew, I'm getting an insight into your living accommodation here. I can see a Magnolia wall. Oh, one percent, yeah. So Andrew, no cigar. I'm getting an insight into your living accommodation here.

I can see a Magnolia wall. Would you accept that? It's an off-white. 100% yeah. There's an architrave around your door that looks like it's, you know, it's had multi-paint, like it's been painted a thousand times without any crap separation. Well, maybe, you know, something I like to do.

And I know I'm quite aware that you're using your massive head to hide it on top of your wardrobe there. The bulbous, yeah. On top of your wardrobe, behind you, there's some kind of electrical monitor discarded, what the fuck's that? What do you mean a monitor? Italy or something?

Oh, something you've- It's an old tally. Is? Oh, something you have to know. It's an old tally. What's it doing up there on top? It's a foot, it's a, it's a, like a, the, eight-lein incher. All right. It's just there. No good to see.

Just get a kiss, I need it. So, where are you in case you need it? Well, I guess I want to put it in the, when I'm having a bath, do you know, put it on the bogsuit while I'm having a bath and rigging up and what's your big tally? I've got a tally in me bath. I bet you have it's in me and booze your pig you've got to tell you've got to tell you on your wardrobe oh

it's just storing the end it's not you know when you watch it from the wardrobe when are you ever going to need an 18 inch Andrew hey hey hey bath time bath time bit so here we are here we are from our respective homes are you enjoying having the celebrities posting the videos on social media is that getting you through yeah yeah definitely yeah the ones that have got you know massive gardens and they're kind of sitting out in the sunshine in the big garden saying, you know, stay home everyone. Yeah. To loads of people who are in one bedroom, council flats, and you're making a poll. Yeah. Stick the red at the window to exercise. Yeah. I like anything from I like DIY SIS team. SIS. Yeah. Oh, we good them sending their guitar stuff in It's all be good. Yeah, I say they they storm in a house with extreme violence and then we're getting it like the Like that Libby and Embassy sage of 1981

Thrust some gradated I Wonder I want middleton's getting on ease tough in he oh He's got to be all right. He's really tough.. He's outlicking doorbells and door handles and stuff like that. I mean to prove a point, if the tigers and all that are going to get it, we'll have to send in the fight or won't we? Do you know what I mean? Definitely, yeah, we stride. He'll sort them out. Are you getting out and about and doing your exercise HD? You probably aren't, you're probably struggling around your grounds or something are you?

No, I don't live in the house. Honestly, it's always a mistake and because I left the house the other day to get the bin in, yeah, pulled the bin in, forgot about it, and now I'm convinced I've got the virus off the bin. Because he touched the bin. That handle being touched like a thousand times. By a thousand men. Yeah. So, I think the virus lives forever on bins. Well, you say it's a good place for it to to to reproduce in it. Yeah, viruses and flies on the bin and you're low on your lips. Yeah. And anyway, let's not talk about it. We've been looking you've been for. Have you been doing exercise and are you keeping in good condition? But I'll tell you what I have done and I apologise to all our listeners for it is I've ordered online an exercise bike.

Oh yeah? Well honestly I'm just falling into pieces. Why are you apologising for that? That's a good thing to do. Well I suppose so. Be sitting on my thighs, my thighs have started rubbing together. It's never happened in my life. I don't think anyone wants to say about your thighs, Bob. And it gets sore, you know, it's all, it gets a little bit older than Robert. Robert, what's that sloshing beneath your slacks, Robert?

Have you looked at some logic in Robert? Well, I do realise where Talcompound is still as a role to play in life. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Slip that in your groin, Slit. I think that's what's pretty much sore now. Now, past the bog girls and talking

About how we're gone. Yeah, I'll sort of a bit of a problem with nicotine patches as well, which is a curse for me Hey Andrew what your fancy going for a crown files. Oh, God. I'd love to yeah Now you I'll be playing Neil Hunt. Can you play the other character, Andrew? I will, I'll do me best. OK, here we go. Do me best. Crime files. S.

The small, sorry town of Merston prided itself on being a quiet and tranquil community, where friendliness and hospitality were valued above all else. With its tree-lined high street and picture postcard cottages, it was often voted as one of the top ten places to live in the UK. That was until the 16th of June 2017 when everything was to change. Christy Christy for Peacock was a nonsense potter who would recently moved into the town. He had taken a lease on a small shop just off the high street.

It was to be a combined workshop and retail space where he would make and sell nonsense pottery ranging from humorous novelty egg cups to more elaborately hideous vases, jugs, plates and bowls. It was the 16th of June when he first opened his doors for business. Little did he know that his first visitor would be Mr. Neal Hunt, proprietor of the recently established nonsense pottery on the high street. Hello there! Are you looking for anything in particular? Yes, I'm looking for the owner of this Todd shed.

Well, that would be me, Buck bucko and what's with the attitude? Who do you think you are the fresh prince of shite? Oh, calm it off with your posturing you half wet What I want to know is how actually how you have the audacity the nerve even to open a nonsense pottery in this town And what's it to you small man? What's it to me? What's it to me? I'm Neil fucking hunt and don't tell me you didn't know I had a nonsense pottery Just a hundred yards from here on the high street. What are you trying to do put me out of business? Oh, that's your shit and shit is it? You won't last two minutes What's people say the beautiful nonsense I create?

Beautiful did you say beautiful? It's only suitable for Todd warriors and tiny needy baby people. Look at this dinosaur themed plate. A fly wouldn't even land itself on this disaster, Hume from pure and adulterated pigeon-chod. Take that back, you pathetic old! Take it back now! Before I mash up on you like a dirty mofo! But Neal didn't take it back. Instead, he threw the dinosaur plate against the wall, smashing it into a thousand pieces. Come on then, pricky-ato, make a move, but I should warn you that my sister, in law,

actually owns a full-body fan-thing suit, and my brother's eldest son can't just spell-dude it so he can write it down as well. Like I give, like I actually give a flying spoon of talk about that. I'll have you know that my brother owns a venomous snake shelter and my wife's boss Ron Whittle knows a formula for gunpowder. Oh does he? Well he's not fucking here is he? So let's strip off and go toe to fucking toe till one of us gets anxious trousers

Chris grabs a kiln shovel from the wall and brandishes at Neil now hold on just hold on Why is it always little old me? I once gave a Dayton wall that sliced to a homeless man outside Lloyd's Bank And I once gave the vicar a lift to Red Hill to buy some Jesus sandals. But his pleadings fell on deaf ears and before he could defend himself the blade of the shovel crashed against his head and he fell out of consciousness. Two hours later he came round to find himself tied by rope to a chair. Christopher Peacock was firing up the nonsense pottery kiln and deciding upon Neil's fate.

Ah, there you are! Look at you! Not so mouth-happy now, are you? So what shall I do with you? Chop off your bony nonsense pottery hands? Throw your tod-ridden body into the kiln? Oh, I couldn't care less! Literally, I couldn't't care one dotless, you're a fucker choo choo and I am, I'm, or will and I am always will be Neil Hunt, the greatest nonsense potter the world has ever seen. Yeah, well here's a thought, what about you sign your pottery over to me and get the fucker boo out of this town? It's that or into the kill you go. I've had the paperwork printed out, all you have to do is sign. Go on then, go on.

Fucking untie me then and I'll sign it. But believe me when I say, I will come back at you with thousands of nonsense pieces that will blow you out of the water. I'll do it online if need be. I don't give a liquid shit. Chris untied Neil and offered him the pen to sigh. As he did so, Neil picked up the largest shard from the shattered dinosaur theme plate and began to gouge at Chris' groin.

In his fury, he managed to completely cut off Chris' personal pipe. Chris began to bleed profusely and Neil through the battered appendage into the kiln. As it sizzled, as it sizzled, kneel turned to Chris. Ha, ha, that's what happens. That's what happens when you try to get the better of kneel fucking hunt, Christopher Peacock. Ha, I've just realized your Chris Peacock, Chris Peacock. And listen, that's your cock roasting, and it's now a Chris Peacock.

That's fucking wonderful! Neil left his rival on the floor, caring not whether he would recover. As he closed the door behind him, he declared, I'm Neil Hunt and I loving my life! So that would grandpa always a bit graphic in it. Well, well definitely that was very intense. Yeah. Well, there, a rival for Neil there.

I saw him off. I very much enjoyed Chris. I hope that Chris be cocked. I hope that maybe recovers and we might see him again, you know. Yeah, that would be good. That would be good. I've got to ask it's the Sunland till I die week how do the Sunland folk feel about it well I think we're just we're at a stage now where we're all really

um to act off with the ownership of Stuart Donald and Charlie Methven and it was pretty much the Charlie Methvene show this series and that annoyed me. He's gone now. We've ran him out of town. Oh, that's interesting. He's gone, is he? Yeah, he went before Christmas. And there are various reasons that have been suggested why he went. Do you want to say any of my dear Ali Kees? For legal reasons, I can't say. Right. But he's apparently good. He's what his wife is apparently having a baby And that's why he has to go because he has to spend more time with them with the family And it's got an out to deal with comments that he might have made to some fans during a meeting

Okay, but there we go So that one comes to surprise to anyone who watched it and watched the mining action because he's a twat And is the other fella still just updating us for us who watched it no Donald is he the other grown child yeah he's still moving about yeah he's still in charge yeah he's trying to sell it though he's trying to sell it he's trying to sell it yeah he's trying really hard how much should we do a crowd funder well I don't know how much is a club worth I don't know I don't know what he's asking for it. There was you know we were Eight months ago we had Michael Dell Who is the owner of Dell computers and is the 20th richest person on the planet god?

Your night anything. Yeah, that'd be right. Well, maybe it's by Sunland for us then He was interested and then it came nothing because apparently there was disagreements about the asking price All right, I tell you what I did notice is that your recruitment team, the two like doing the recruitment. That's the recruitment team, yeah, that's the entire recruitment team. Yeah, they look just, they look perfectly suited to running an art club. You know what I mean? Or emptying the bins, but not recruiting talent across the world.

No, I think what they might be doing they might be going on football manager and looking for the best players with best average ratings. We're trying to get them. Wouldn't surprise me. I mean Brentford, Brentford have had a lot of success over these last sort of eight years doing what is basically football well, they basically just don't they buy through stats, nothing else. Yeah, it's that money ball thing in it. Yeah. So this is not before polishing it. I know. Sorry. Can I give you a couple of names? I forgot to say at the beginning, I've got a couple of

names for you. Yeah, go on running past these. First of all, GGS sourdock is a YouTuber and he does an online sourdough work out each morning. He makes a bit of a sourdough startlet, puts it on the floor and then does 100 press ups over the top of it. He's got at the minute 50 million viewers each morning. Okay, so he said his name was sour dock first, but it's sourdough with it. Jjs sourdough. Oh, he's the doctor of sourdough. Oh, did Jjs sourdough. Okay, I've heard that. Carry on. All right. You're writing that down. Yeah. For reference, second one, Frankie Wrangler. He is the heir to the Wrangler James Corporation. And when he eventually takes over, he plans to wind down their jeans

output and turn their attention to the probe tube market. Tom? I know an input to deal with the probe tubes and I love it. I love a Wrangler James. Got a lovely flinch touch. There's that, oh, oh, you can be honky-tonk. I'll be honky-tonk. You'll be honky-tonk. You'll be honky-tonk, for sure. I'll try that. All right. I've got a quick wife's question.

It's only one. Tough times in it. She's only come up with one. Yeah, I'm supposed to. She says, Iandro, because of the isolation business, there must be quite a buildup of fumes in your home, both personal and cooking. Could you harness them to provide emergency fuel

for your Alsatian hot, interesting question, science? Bloody hell. Are we supposed to harness fumes? Would you catch them in like paradise or something? I'm doing, I suppose you distill them in like a copper pot or something like that. I haven't got that kind of thing going. I've got a sword of stream that I don't use, could I use that? Well, so you reckon if you fart into a sword of stream, you'll get fuel out the other end. Well, you fart on the top where the gas goes in, don't you? And then you'd carbonate into a bottle of water and whatever she suggested you use it as fuel? So yeah, so you say she's got you thinking, aren't she? Yeah, I'm going to say yes, I'll do that

Have you got a quiz for me darling. I have I have got a quiz. It's um It's a mulling or sweetie sort of true or false all right I'll explain it to you right true or false you see a true or false whatever you think it is if you're correct I'll explain it to you, right? It's true or false, you see a true or false, whatever you think it is. If you're correct, I'll say, MALLENE! If you're incorrect, I'll say, FRIES, WEEDY! Gotcha. In the style of course of John Chalice and Ringo Star. It's a crisp special. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no true that is true hold your horse is Andrew that's a check it out fucking revelation mm-hmm there you go and all white as well would you let it all white gone then it's something to do with production cycles beginning each Sunday or something and then ending on a Saturday so that's the

deal the others point as a Saturday so that's how I answer a question in it it's something to do with yeah well I think I give enough there I don't think it's right I I'll do it. I will. I will. What does what does he say, the fella Lee and Nason, does he say, I'll be back or something? I'll hunt you down. Yeah, I'll hunt you down and fucking screw your first up. Well, good luck with that, because it's in a mess already. Second one, when the inventor of Pringles' crisp stide in 2008, some of his ashes were placed as he had requested in a Pringles tube and buried in his grave.

No, you're just being daft Andrew, I'm pretty confident on this one. You've had a little idea and it's not, it's just daft. You're saying false, I'm saying false, yeah. Free sweeties. Oh fuck off. It is true. it is true Ashes were divided into three sections one of them was given a family relic of one was buried in his griff in a standard earn And the rest was stuck in a pringles tube next to the standard earn in his griff again Again, I will hunt you down Well, and bring for your first up honestly, but Go up, because you've got no better to do, have you? I'll put that tube up your ass and then put the individual coins out of your eyes as square as this.

Yeah, number three in New Zealand, it is a legal to change your name to any of the seven me and Chris Fleeveurs. No, again, it's a lot of us. You can say you can change anything you want man. Marlene! That was false. What do you reckon a seven-minute crisp fliers, though? Well, for me, for me, it would be Smoky Bacon, Tomato, Chees and Onion, Vinegar, Roast Chicken, roast chicken, prawn cocktail, plain. Where are you reckon?

Did you say barbecue beef in there? No, I didn't, I don't, I said for me, it would be that, that's for me. Well, I don't understand you. I reckon barbecue beef to replace tomato, but I think otherwise you've probably got more right there. It's a beautiful crisp of tomato, I wonder, I wonder if it really is.

Not including, of course, the high-end artles and crisps. Fuck them, Andy. Honestly, not they give me gut rot, the tasteless, the greasy. I think it's probably the best example of a pure marketing ploy that exists in this country. Yeah. You know, you could be right.

Yeah, what's your name, the Pringles, though? I think they're very, I think they're very dull And I think that's that sour cream when it makes me feel sick. There are no unusual crisp art there Andy I've had a blog I've had a blog in from Barry or Mona. Okay. It's nice of him. Yeah As you like to hear what he's got to say. Yes, it was all then Do you like to hear what he's got to say? Yes. It was all then. Barry Hormone here with this week's Inspirational aspirational blog.

Do you want to stand in static stillness or do you want to move up up into the business sky? If it's the LALA, then you are in good hands, the hands of a motivational genius. If you've got the desire, that I can lift you higher. Today I want to focus in on micro moments the little things that can make a big big difference. If the flip chart is your primary presentation tool then keep it well maintained. Make sure its hinge is dust and grease free to ensure a smooth and easy action. Do the same with your office chair, especially

if it's a swivel. I can achieve a full 360 swivel with one small push against the floor. Woosh! Hey boss, maybe I can action that for you. Get you notice, get you energized for spotting opportunities for going forward. I won't let you down. I'll just take you up, up, up, up. Open to the business sky, and you feel... feel like you make in love. Make in love on a Swedish tugboat. If you're having a physical face to face with a client,

stand closer than you normally would. Hook one thumb into the pocket of your slacks and occasionally lift the other hand onto their shoulder. That way they will know you are ultramasculine but not afraid of intimacy. They may also get a whiff of your links nodding them. If you sense you're producing groin vapors, rub some orange peel onto your gusset and remember the mirror never lies, you are gorgeous. And I won't let you down. I'll just take you up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, We can love on a neoscartish chip job! Fill your life with inspirational and aspirational itemry.

They are your reward, they are your incentive a sliciser, an espresso machine, Croatian bullet belt, potato ricer, pistachio grinder, TJ and the Mac blouse ons, roof tiles for plate conversion. Place an A1-size portrait of yourself above your bed. That way every morning you can look up and say, I believe in you and everything you are trying to achieve. I tell you what.

One thing I can promise. I won't let you down. I'll just take you up, up, up, up. Up into the business Sky and you feel feel like you're making love Making love in a Polish water park. Oh Yeah That was nice to Barry, wasn't it? Yeah, that was

That was nice to bury, wasn't it? Yeah, that was lovely. That was lovely, micro-moments. What's for that, Barry? Micro-moments. Have you been watching much on Telly? Oh, God. I haven't really. I should have been, but I haven't had a lot to work on. Do you know what I mean? Have you done Tiger King? Oh, yeah. I've done Tiger King.

We discussed this last week. I've done Tiger King. Oh, right, of course. I tell you what, I've done Tiger King. After all, I'll tell you what I've done, Tiger King. After all these years, I finally decided to dive into the show curb your enthusiasm. All right, yeah, I bet you don't like it. Well, I've done seven, I think I've some series seven in what, four days.

Oh, blabby, maybe you do like it then. I think it's, as he would say, pretty good, you know what I mean. But I tell you what Andy, I know people have a lot of reverence for it. Each show is more or less identical in it. Yeah, more or less. It's definitely formulated. Yeah. Yeah. And I do you know like, I mean, my I hold up as the greatest comedy ever made is the American office. And come right. I've watched them.

Ah, man, Andy, you know, there is so much more depth. It's a different thing, though, because Kirby enthusiasm is mostly improvised. They've got like an idea of where they're going to go with it. Yeah. They sort of improvise a lot of the scenes. I mean, the office has probably got a new one, these writers rooms, they're 20 writers, honing on the gags, like fucking... It has, yeah. You know, sculptors.

Yeah. But they're different things. But I see what you're seeing, yeah. I'll accept that. I met the bloke who ran the right in room for the office, and it was extraordinary. It is literally 20 odd people. Did you tell him about your telly in your bath? But he did. He's got a bath in his telly.

You know what I mean? But it was extraordinary. You won't know the characters, but they have it like in the middle of it there's like a will they won't they love a fair thing. You know? Right. So they have one writer for the man, one writer for the woman, and one writer for the relationship. Do you now want to make the relationship right there. Yeah well yeah go that's that's how it is isn't it. I've been watching slightly differently last tango in Halifax have you ever seen that? I've never, is that an old ITV show or something? BBC, well it's got there a Jacobian and Unread. Yeah. There's an all couple who get together after the they've been a part for like 50 years and I always assumed it was kind of a gentle last of the summer wine kind of thing

But it's not because their families are in it and there's loads of drama and it's got Sarah Lancashire in it Does loads of brilliant stuff and Sally Wien right wrote it wrote happy valley? It's really good and I'm flying through all five series of that sort of no idea it was good. Are you recommending it then? Is that a fish? I'm recommending it yeah fucking hell Madro and if you don't like it I don't tell me I don't care I asked me son he was 21 I said what are you watching lad and all that and he says he's watching midson my murders yeah I didn't think he absolutely adores it and he says to me, he says to me, there is quite a big youthful fandom of Midsummer murders. Right. I'd never watched one, he says it's brilliantly written. That's it. This is it. These things he just thought,

that are really good until he kind of did it to them. He just assumed they're not for you and turns out they are. Can you ever see the day though that you'll click on and watch mid summer murders? That day might be later today or maybe later in the week. Give it a go. Give it a go. Give it a go. Give it a go. Give it a go. Yeah, that's right. I've had a wav from John Omsk. All right, I like John. Of course, there's the Albanian Trans-Overlord and he's got something for us so I'll just play that now. Oh, thank you. Good day and good night to all of you.

I'm John Amsk, Albanian Trans-Overlord and audio rampager. Look, we are living through testing times now and I've created a sound statue for the global nation to clamber around on release some energy um 805 on Thursday just after everyone has stopped clapping for the NHS I would like you all to stand outside your homes and play my new track which I have inserted with anti-pandemic gases it's called uff uff uff which in Esperanto means health come now here is a glimpse of it for you. Also, if you have children, I have created a more family-friendly version of it.

Maybe your kids can dance along on TikTok and raise awareness. Here it comes. awareness here it comes so there you are first day 805 p.m. all over the world at the same time I am John Amsk and I hope you have some kind of future they are John Amsk there he's gonna heal the world I think music is it music I I mean he could he really get to the number things Donnie do you know I mean he straights it down to the truth It's the kind of soundscape. I think that gets in the heart and your head exactly Huxen the a brain yeah, and you know, it's the kind of thing that if we still had milkman prowling around it Be whistling it yeah, as they walked up our Pathways each world. It's the Albanian bright eyes, isn't it?

Fff. Fff. Fff. I, Andrew, have now introduced. What do you say when you put a spy into another country? I've introduced them, I've ceded them. Deployed? I've deployed.

I'll use deploy. I've deployed a new spy in Dubai. Yeah? A spy in Dubai. Yeah, who keeps his eye on everything that's happening over there You know, so he gets lots of gossip when the footballers are having their holidays there, you know sat by the pool on top of the shopping center Playing the slots in the shopping center, you know, having a male in one of the restaurants in the shopping centers You know, I've been amailing one of the restaurants in the shopping centers. I've been at helicopter trip over one of the shopping centers One shopping center is that? There's mega super mega and uber mega

Chabbling in their white limos from one shopping center the other that sort of thing and I've now got my Spy there so not long back, he was looking off to be seated at a table in a shopping center restaurant next to Andy Grey in Richard Cays. So he's got a transcript here. Let's tell everyone what went off. I'm that terrible there.

Hey, would you like me to be? You want to be Richard? Actually, it's Chris. And as Richard Cays talk. Oh, and nobody knows. I'll give it me. I'll try. I think if you try and be there's the poshest version of you. And and and have a thought in your mind that you're quite academic. You know, it's important. You're an important man. So Andy was the first to speak.

Okay. So have you been shopping this morning, Richard? Good luck. Yes, Andy, had a really nice morning shop, bought some peach and turquoise ornaments that were nice and curvy, you know, like ladies are. Orc, this is un-terrific. It's not bad at all. Orc, this is un-terrific. Did you check out the talent at the perfumery? That place is chock-o-block with curvy's.

I got a sweat on just thinking about it. Did you have a morning shop? No, no, I'm shopping all afternoon. I'm taking a worldly bug to the mall over the road. I went down the beach early this morning to watch the sunrise over the curves. You'd love an early rise, don't you Andy? I do that at this point a waitress approach them at the table. All right darling I must say your

curvature is looking well primed if you don't mind me saying. You need a very large protractor to get a measure of your curvatory madam, the waitress asked them for their order. Could I have melon slices, a couple of peaches and a nice pear please? I, I'll have the same and bring a couple of jugs of cream as well. I think she fancied me rotten, couldn't keep her eyes off my arm hair and my chest broccoli. No chance, she couldn't keep her eyes off my beautiful tiny Scottish eyes and my tight pink golf slacks At this point they were joined by Michael Owen

Okay All right Michael you've been shopping All right, Lads. Yeah, I went to the mega-mal Oh really I went to the super mega-mal. Yeah, but I bet you didn't go in a helicopter like me. I'm going to the super-Ubermogger mega-mal this afternoon. It's got the biggest perfume in Dubai. You going curving are you?

Yeah, you bet. Did you see that we're just not passing you on the way in? Talk about super mega curving action. Beautiful! Yeah, I think she fancied me. She couldn't keep her eyes off me. Have you ever spoken to a woman about football? It's hilarious. Have you ever spoken to a woman about helicopters? That's even funnier. I heard one woman call a helicopter a whirly bug. How ridiculous is that? Honestly. Just like Ken's most of them. At this point the waitress returns with the fruit and the cream. Hey, your lads. Let's have a laugh. Watch this. Hey, sweetheart. Do you follow the premiership? Oh, yes, I do. I love it.

Is that right? So, what do you think they should do about finishing the season? Simple. They should abandon it now and then start the new season with every team on the points that they have now. The waitress leaves and Richards phone rings. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Now I've got Andy Gray and Michael Oumeth me now. I'll ask if they agree. Oh yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah Yeah, that's definitely the way to do it. Oh And then they all raised their glasses and had a toast To curving and shopping Dubai tails Do you want to bite tails? What you're acting? know, I don't know, I don't know. Do you need quite tails? What, you're acting? Yeah, I think we've got to wear with it.

It was all right for a starter. I thought your Richard was very good, I know. Thank you very much. I had no idea what I was doing. What's the most important thing? Well, that's about it, a wrecking bomb. You retreat back to our isolation stations now. Yeah, and continue.

I'm going to... I'm going to my isolation pers now. Yeah, and continue. I'm going to my isolation perspiration station, bit of dumbbell work, you know what I mean? Bwee! We're going to be a bike to the cub. We're going to ask them, we're going to be a bike to the right.

So thank you all for listening. Look after yourselves. Definitely look after yourselves, do you see if two metres apart and all that, do not go out unless you absolutely have to. Don't go sunbathen in the park please Jesus see you everyone Tata you