Athletico Mince - Ep. 106 - Ape in a Cage

Episode Date: May 19, 2020

Poetry, baseball mice, fights, mouth abrasion, EPL, lockdown Roy, and Dyche. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to this new episode of Athletico Mins with me, Andrew Dawes. I hope you're fit and well, living your very best life and untroubled by the increasing number of wasps that are about. Imagine yourself in the not-too-distant future at a pick your own fruit farm with close friends or family. The sun blazes in a clear blue sky as you fill your basket with strawberries, raspberries and even a few gussberries. This tranquil scene is punctured by the arrival of an aging tramp like man, moving erratically

with a cloud of wasps swarming around his head. He appears to have covered his flesh in some kind of thick grease. Do you want the cover to be wasps circus? I've got them all fully trained like just me and some of this swar figure on your earlier exposed areas and you'll be immune to their stings just like me Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my co-host Mr. Bob Mortimer Oh little grease ball With your head like a blue ball

O T side weirdo You'd like a fricking freak show Hi, Bob Hi Andy, I say you look down Andrew I didn't mean it when I said your life's a freak show I was just being You know I know I know, it's just we just it's just us being ladish in it

You are, I was just just banta Now listen up you mentioned ghost breeze there. Ghost breeze, yeah. Ghost breeze, do you like a ghost breeze? I'm not bothered. Never been there to be honest. I never developed a taste for them. Didn't like them when I was a kid,

because obviously you got a different palette when you're a kid, haven't you? And you only like sweet stuff. And the ain't the sweetest. So do you still just live on refreshes and share about fountain? Yeah, strawberry laces, stuff like that. Yeah strawberry leises. Well let me recommend you the ghost brief hole. That's nice.

I bet it is. You should get it with gold. Can you get it up the shops? Can I get it the shops? Can you get it up the shops? You can you get it up the shops? No. I know. You can you get it up the shops? I don't know. The ghost brief holes up the shops. No, the mech it, the can't get it up the shot. I don't know, the Gussbury folds up their shots.

No, the mech, the mech, the don't mech it correct. It's just can't have just custard cream and ghost breeze. You know what, I almost lapsed into that character who lives up in Aramu, you're here. Please, I beg of you, don't, please. Hey, Andrew, are you in front of a bookshelf? You've changed the way you're normally, I isn't the normal vista. No, I've just adjusted it a little bit, I've added some more stuff to what used to be behind because it's better for the sound quality

that absorbs the sound. You have the books as an absorbed absorbed. Some technique. You'll paint the beat in some kind of, I don't know, it looks like a charity shop. The back room, new charity shop. I've been top man. Theen Topman, especially up for me, because I need some tight jeans. What's the big red book, immediately, behind your head? The big red book. That one there. No, behind your head, not to your right. That one, you need it that one, yeah.

That is the complete, David Boy. It's great. It's got everything he did in chronological order. If it's complete, does it include this flesh and hair samples? Yes, it does. It's got a part of that. Oh, right. Did you, I know that you were excited about the German football coming back. Yeah, I've been watching earlier on, because we're doing this on Saturday.

Saturday, T-Time, would you call it? Yeah, you did enjoy it. I did, I did. It was weird, but it was it. I did, I did. It was weird, but it was fun. I watched Dortmund player... Shelter. Brushier beer killer.

Beer killer, yeah. That's not true. What was it like not having the crowd? It was weird, it felt like a training game almost, like a preseason friendly, but it was good to watch. Yeah, it's football, isn't it? You've got to take away your interest.

Just like your life, really. I mean, I get followed round by a crowd wherever I go. So I wouldn't miss it. Whereas with a lady, people trying to go the other way across the rock and avoid me. Listen up, I've got a John Cooper block down, poem. You're right, go on that. Interested? Always.

It's called, it in a ridge. Okay. Who's it about? John Cooper Lock. Sorry, darling. About you, is it? No, well, maybe. I'll think once you've heard the words. All right. So it's John Cooper Clarke Lockdown. All right. Yeah. Aping a cage. Aping a ridge. Can't get out. Can't get comfy. All of a sudden this chair feels lumpy. Epe in a cage, Epe in a rage is only just detected that his helmet is infected. He itches, he slaps it, he pounds it with a house brick,

Epe in a cage, Epe is dejected. It's really hit him hard that his helmet is infecting. LAUGHTER But that ape could be you, Andrew, could be me. I know, is it really about an earpour? Is it really about man and mankind? That's poetry, isn't it? What does the helmet represent? LAUGHTER And what is this mystery in faction?

Okay, I got that, I enjoyed that. Hey, what's behind the door? Yes sir. No, yes sir, no. What's behind the door? I don't know. I don't know. He don't know.

No. Three scenes behind an imaginary dog bump. I'm going to open that door. Let me have a look inside to see if you want to proceed further and investigate three things number one a miniature baseball game Been played by some mechanical mice Okay, would you go in and have a look? Oh? I'd have to see how's it go along would you go in and no I wouldn't bother going along

I won't bother going that I thought if it was tiny little fellas I would have been straight in there, but no thanks not mice Not mice. No, I'm not bothered just mechanic. I'll do that real mice. Nothing be frightened of Yeah, but the ship doesn't appeal not a mouth ship I should also add it fucking stinks in there Well now you say Second one it's a coy car pond, but all the fish have got a headhend. Oh, would you go ahead and have a headhend?

I'll go have a glance. Yeah, that's all right. Last one, Akubilk is doing the dual wicks online workout with a string vest on, purple wife, and of course, his ball hat. Obviously, he should first. Yeah, I'll friends and of course his ball hat. Obviously, he's shit first. Now I'll go and have a look. Do you want a name? Oh please. Alright, you could be Andrew, I mean you can be Ronnyut dogs, but you could be Clint Boombox. Don't sound great, does it? Players this cassette radio up is drone pipe to ward off pigeons,

gremlins, that's sort of shit. Yeah. Alright, you could be okay. Don't con good times, yeah. Holds a party in his loft every Friday, right, with dairy leas slices layered along the full length of his rafters, yeah. And his cold water tank full of Lancashire cider. Can I get the dairy lace laces exchange for laugh and cow triangles? No. Right in northern. Okay, finally, finally we have shitty shati ron, yeah, a rouse or a pors him and he will spatter you with natural toffee.

Oh, you can be wrong, you got dogs. That sounds... That sounds barely legal. Oh, I'll go with wrong, you got dogs of us, alright. You're not on that subject, you're fine. Stick to what you know, these chaiin' types. BELLS I intercepted via some software malware, yeah. Who, you you got from?

It's from Infinity Rocket Plastics, yeah. Nigel Pearson's been practicing his quotes again. Oh, good. All right. And it just seems to be doing just like famous quotes, you know what I mean? So I'll play it for you, Andrew. First one, he was obviously doing Bill Clinton. Right. I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me.

I'm not going to say this again. I did not have a fight with that woman. Miss Lewinsky. If I had had a fight with with her it is a fight I would have won Easily but I didn't have a fight with her these allegations of false Not bad really we're ending that one. I've just paused the tape there. What's a grip? What's all right? Winston Churchill he did I Shall defend our islands whatever the cost may be. I shall fight on the beaches and win each individual fight. I will fight on the landing grounds using British fighting techniques. I shall fight in the fields and in the streets with standard British fighting moves and exceptional fighting skills. I will never surrender unless the lad I am fighting's parents turn up an issue of ballicking

We've got a John Lennon. He did next Life is what happens to you when you're busy making plans for your next fight And he's done a Shakespeare and a next fight and he's done a Shakespeare and he's going to see a Shakespeare Stephen's there to fight or not to fight that is the question whether it is nobler in the mind to get stuck into a rumble and suffer the lamppings and wellies of fortune or to fight all cheeky bastards against the sea of troubles and by fighting them and winning that fight to sleep and prepare for their next scrap. That's why he's done. Very nice.

Enjoy him. Very enjoyable, yeah. Next but history. Andrew is it all right then go on it's it's the Bobby I call me so I call me Bobby fat fat Bob chef Bobby chef Bobby chef Bobby's calorie quiz yeah and it's here it goes it's title is Puffs, PANOTS! Thwack, Oink, Fiber, Oh yeah! Pop, pop, Boeing, Krispies, Give me just a little more time! Calories, content, high to low, Andrew, three fabric breakfast cereals, which I'm sure you're familiar. Sugar puffs, no bowl. I believe it's a 40 gram serving, however, but all the same serving.

Sugar puffs, fruit and fiber, rice crispy. Right, my good instinct is that sugar puffs is number one. So that leads to fruit and fiber or rice crispies. Now, I think that rice crispies is going to be fairly low and fruit and fiber would be deceptively high. So I'm going to go, the order you gave me, sugar puffs, fruit and and fiber then rice crispies. When do I get my prize? Unlucky and the highest is fruit and fiber at 250 then rice crispies and the lowest so he's an idea for a treat. He's self is sugar puffs.

Wow that's unbelievable. It is, that's the reason they're taking shit these days because they've took all the sugar sugar out of them. Do you remember? Do you remember start breakfast cereal? Was it dreary? It was like honey coated, but it would take the skin off the roof of your mouth when you ate it.

And Steve Kram used to advertise it when the first brought it out in the 80s. Don't remember it. I've got a box of it a couple of years ago for all time sick because that's where I'm at. Yeah. I'm not. Yeah. Took the skin off the roof of my mouth as you'd expect. Still doing it. Then all of a sudden I stopped doing them. I was looking them up the other day and I stopped doing them and they replaced them with Kellogg's Cars 3. So they're replaced them with the kids, you know, the film Cars 3. They're replaced them with the same thing but for kids. Well, I suppose only kids are gollable enough to go back to the cereal that rips the roof

off your mouth, Andrew. Maybe that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I don't know why you give that to your kids, but they are. Now, listen mean, that's the reason. That's the reason. I mean, that's the reason. I mean, that's the reason. I mean, that's the reason. That's the reason. That's the reason. That's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. That's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason.

That's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason.

Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I mean, that's the reason. Well, I'm, yeah. Are you talking about like actual abrasion? I'll fucking out. Your little, what was it they were called?

The smarts weren't hot, were they? But they ripped the top of your mouth off. Yeah, well I didn't know. I didn't specify whether it was texture or other it was heat. It took a lot of skin off. All right, so what, what do you think is the most textually damaging food? God, remember when this was a football podcast?

I don't know. I would meet you. I would meet you. My aunt football podcast. Er, I don't know. I would meet you. I would meet you. My aunt would be stopped putting dough on me anymore. What would you say? You've got something in mind, obviously. And I haven't. Have you not?

Just having a conversation. I haven't feel very aware. I feel very aware that there are foods that do this. Perhaps our listeners can send in a tellers. Yes. Because I feel there is an answer. Yeah. And we'll put them in. We'll put them in our new newsletter. We're going to start doing. We're going to have a newsletter where we put in, you know, we'll tell you there's a new episode out of that. And if there's something in it, we've recommended, we'll

stick a link in that in. You know, further the material, your newsletter sounds shit hot, Andrew. Thank you. Please continue to use the word hot there. Got off the echo mince.com slash mincemeat.com sign up for it and it'll be shit hot. Gangs of the E-P-L! Well, thanks to the great work of Infinity Rocket Plastics, I have stored some malware on the Warrie Cain laptop, the one is mum bought for him and you won't be surprised to learn that yesterday there was a virtual white arts gang meeting on Zoom. Oh, good. Yeah. It was chaired by Ari from his mum's garage and it featured Ari, Debbie, Eric, thing, Ming son, sorry I'm sorry, son, son, yeah, son, yeah, son thing, yeah,

I've got it on a wav, trapped in a wav, so I'll play it for you, shall we? Release the wav? Hello, Dads, hello there, son thing, Eric, Eric are you there? Yes boss. Well we can't see you Eric can you turn your camera on? Which button is that? I'm not going to be something. Yeah, remember he spent six years in the Bundesliga before he came to Britain. That's why he's German. Yeah, yeah. It is a small picture of a video camera. Just click on it with your mouse. Has Eric got a mouse? I love mice. I want a mouse. Can I have a mouse pass? I promise I'll look after it forever. Computer mouse, Debbie. Eric hasn't gone a laptop.

He's using his dad's PC. His dad's PC. Greg News. I hate racism and all that. Oh, there you are, Eric. Eric, are you still in your pajamas? Yes. I tried to get them off over my head and they got stuck. So, I'm waiting

for me, mom, to come and help. Okay, thanks, Eric. So I declared this emergency mating of the White Hearts Urban Gang Open. So everyone, feel after all she's hate. Feel after all she's hate. Right, I've called this mating because last night Debbie was attacked at Knife Point. That is some serious biscuits with an old-style penny on top to boot. Have you got biscuits boss? You might as well go and get some from me secret box on top of the wardrobe. Nostya where you are as the great Winston Churchill once said the biscuits will have to wait. So Debbie did you get a good look at your attacker? Hey, I the scary mascot, you know like in a jump scare movie. Oh, I love the jump scares genre It never fails to upset me what about you Eric what

Come on guys, let's concentrate Debbie can you give us any description of your attackers? I know this must be very upsetting and fraught with flashback potential but I think it's important that you try. Well one of them had a very fat ass. I told the police it could be Jordan Pickford or perhaps Ross Barclay. Boss. What is it, Eric? Maybe, Santi, Cousola. He's turned into a murderous... It's just a second. Is Eric a red-end team?

I've got to see. I think he might be now. Well, let's go with it. Eric! Eric! Have you been eating ice buns again? Santi's no longer a picky gooner. he lives abroad now in some Spanish party resort. It can't be him. Debbie, do you think it was gang related? Maybe the hammer boys are the staff for foreign legion? Well, I mentioned it to the razzles, but they said they had CCTV of them changing vehicles behind carpet tick and it was just a couple of skinheads. Maybe it was John James Chevy from the Vite Strips.

Boss. Yes, Henrik? Or Arden Moe from the Albion Code Squad? Henrik, I think the police force would recognise the faces of professional footballers, even if the footage was grainy due to the shadow cast by a carpet warehouse. Honestly Eric, and stop fiddling with your pajama top will you, it's very off-putting and distracting to boot. So Debs, what did they steal from you?

West thing they could have stolen. Oh, please don't say this stole your agile mind. Nothing song this stole my entire watch collection. Me dancing can watch, me watching it like a toaster with get your finger out written on the back. My wireless Bluetooth digital watch with the Plumrose hot dog strap. Basically the lot. Well, I must say this sounds very upsetting and I wouldn't blame you, Debbie, if you're in a right fluffy buffery with a dash of carnation condensed on top. Boss. Yes, Eric, this better be pertinent and not a side track of Swerve Ball.

Tinned peaches and carnation cream. It's not a side track or 12 ball. Tinned. Peaches. Unconnation. Cream. It's not a... It's not a contribute to the topic. Well, I must say it's very flaky and unhelpful. His ride saw Harry. It's a wonderful combination. Yes, well so is empathy and understanding. How are you feeling, Debbie? A bit shaking Stevens Stevens if I'm not

too much very much mistaken yes but as well distressed and dreary I was going to use this lockdown to learn how to tell the time in it well maybe we can help you with that Eric can you tell the time Eric. What about you, son thing? I know ten o'clock, six o'clock, because that's when I feed my shark. I'll tell you what I'll do, Debs. I'll send you a link to a website where a religious bloke takes his time telling by cutting a cake into twelve slices. Will I get a slice? B2, please boss, I have a carnation on mine.

No I am at you can't, look let's all go on ebay and see if anyone is selling any of Debbie's beautiful watches. I've found some boss, the plumberos hot dog, the dancing cane and the toss the vaches. Well done, fun thing, you are like a cram buster or a cracker type character. Buster. Yes, Eric? Can I have a cracker? Eric, you are making me very frustrated, I am fidgety. Cracker is the name of a famous detective, not a savory biscuit. I thought we weren't allowed biscuits. Oh fuck off, Eric.

What's the name of the seller, son thing? Won't allowed biscuits. Oh fuck off Eric. What? What's the name of the seller, son thing? Santa, I love to party. And he's also selling skin-head novelty party masks on his site. Well, I never. Santa Cazola, so you were right all along Eric. Go and fetch yourself a biscuit. Bugs was. So you were right all along Eric! Go and fetch yourself a biscuit!

Bugs, Bugs! I'm sure the professional police force will be very interested in this information. As a spectrumat be getting your watches back quicker than you can eat a bowl of peaches in cream! And the white arts laughed so hard, it was as if all the cartoon characters on Eric's pyjamas were exposing themselves and pissing on a selection of brass hinges and flicksings. Andy, do you think that story is a bit like the series 24? You know where the computer geek lass is on the internet looking for clues and that?

Yeah, not really, because most of 24 was in running around and you know, punching people. So, and I wasn't much of that. No, I understand it was a bit more like, criminal minds. Was that the one where they've got the gate glass, they would hold the computers and everything? Oh, right.

So, it sounds to me like I must have done a pretty strong script then. Yeah. So, faculty, do you fancy a chit chat? Yes, please. Alright. Do, and Andy, do you reckon you would make a good grappler, you know, or would your tits get too hot and chaotic if you were subjected to like a Boston crab or a similar move?

I reckon I'd be pretty good because I have the ability to release titswet voluntarily and I could admit it on the me opponent and cause him a slide off. Slip out of the hole. Slip out of the hole, yeah exactly. So yes, correct. All right. True.

And you know that strap of fat on the back of your head that appears when you ever you like, um, raise your head up, um, you know, for example, to look at a kite. Yeah. Can it be milked and used as a frying medium? Hahaha. Just wondered. Uh, I've not, I've not tried it, but I'm feeling it now.

I'm looking at the sailing and I'm feeling it and yeah, it feels quite milky. So I think it could be, it's just, it's just untapped at the minute. It's untapped. Hey, then you never know, there might be a vaccine in there. It's up head fat. When, which do you consider the superior cuisine, Andrew, Italian or British? Laughing, I don't know what you're laughing at. the superior cuisine, Andrew, Italian or British. Laughing, I don't know what you're laughing at. What would you regard as British like dumplings?

Oh, this British foes beautiful. What's pot chopstick and kidney pie? That's sort of thing. Stain syrup pudding, fish and chips. Yeah, shepherd's pie, cottage pie, you've convinced me, British, much better in here. I was thinking to sugar puff some of these pasties. You know, so much more than that, yeah.

I'm not really that, you know, Italian cuisine. So you've got your pizzas and you've got your pastas. Yeah, really? Yeah. Do you? Really? Well, you've said it now. I'm just saying, I'll have a certain kidney pudding. Thanks. You I'll give the pizza to

The fat lad up north different types of pastas though, you know spaghetti Rigotoni and the ones that look like bought ties So yeah, but it's different shit different ships or that may be inices you, Andrew, but it's just flowering and watering a bit of egg in it. Honestly, you said it controversial. So Andrew, we got Roy Hodson on the line from his home. I'll look after this. Hello, Roy. Who? Is this the thing? Yes it is Roy, how are you doing? No great, no great. I know, what's wrong?

I've been looked into my garage for the past 72 hours. We'll tell you what happened, Roy, does that... Someone knows you're in there, yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah, my wife and her friend Christine, who's staying with us during isolation. They're both aware of my, yeah. So are they not letting you out of something? My wife and her friend Christine,

I was responsible for my incarceration. For, sorry, for your what? Inconservation, incarceration. Oh, incarceration, sorry, right, yeah. So I would, what, yeah, I would, sorry, right? Yeah, so I would do this happen. We were all over the next game of the movie cup. Sorry, what? Rumming club. Loomy cup, you know, the tile-based game for 2 to 4 players,

could burn in elements of the game. Loomy and Marshall, movie cup. Okay. And I might have at least a pair of Nero Gauntlets and a small army of Kato Space Marines on their asses. Oh, I got carried away. Are they not legit in Rummy Cub? No, I'm a fucking war em, are they?

Oh, alright, I'm sorry, alright. I got confused! I got confused and I'm overexcited. So what happened to the game then? Oh, we all got a little bit of all smashed up. Eh, that... Right, and now you've been locked in the garage, right? Eh, eh, eh, I've been told it's for my own good. And have you learnt anything from this, Roy?

Yes, I've learnt that I've got no interest in any other games than who I want. And also, that my wife's friend Christine is a bitch Right all right, that's enough. That's enough right I have to stop you there. We can't have that kind of language Sorry Fuck Robby Cub fucking in the eye I've cut him off Bob. Sorry. I've just cut him off. Yeah, you do right. That's acceptable. It is.

Andy, John Dice, he sent his players a motivational wafty-walt and get through the lockdown, yeah. Okay. I managed to get a copy using spyware from Sky Blast, yeah. Sky Blast Rocket Systems, yeah. It was, hey, it's a really terrifying bit of software from a quite frankly Android-terrifying company. So I'll play it for you. You need to stay at home and practice on your own. Keep your ass cheeks clean and stick to my routine.

Get up early half past six, put bacon, fat and butter on your way to Bix. Share your thighs then put on your kit. If your shorts aren't tight, then you're probably unfit. Sit on the pot till our pass seven then wipe your ass with a slice of melon. It's nice and absorbent, nice and cool and if you've had a clean break you can eat it too. Make a pop pass movie and you can wood blender then wash your hands with turkey render. At 12 o'clock on the dot, take your second visit to the pot. Never

strern but don't go easy, you need to make space for your chips to the cheesy. After your chips you'll want to keep on working up white the dribble from your kit. Go into the garage once a day, catch all the insects and put them in the face. Half past four dig a hole in your lawn, fill it with bolts and your girlfriend's corn. And half past seven eight a gammon slice, always with chips, never with rice. Better 10 with an evening pie of a tummy tank and then it's good night and remember gravel hardcore nothing, plaster, pie, and that's the Burnley way. So that's his motivational wafer plays.

You're in lockdown, Andrew. That's excellent. You can apply that to ourselves as well, because we're all physical people these years, aren't we? Yes, that's a very nice sentiment. Hey do you reckon echoing the bunny better still bring it on the dancing horses pub? Because I mean it was like 1985 when they did that. The horse is a properly dead now.

And I mean dancing horses is, it's been outlawed as cruel now isn't it I think. I hope so, yeah no. What do you reckon? I don't think so Andrew. Do you want to end this episode now Bob? Yeah thank you very much. Thank you all for listening. Thank you. As always, thank you. See you. Bye-bye. you