Athletico Mince - Ep. 111 - Brainstormer

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

Lockdown Gary, spying on the Leeds gang, fungalow roof woe, Crime Files, Scholes and Nigel Pearson’s Bristol plans. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Athletic Olmints. I hope your fruit bowls are not too heavily stacked thus avoiding sea pitch from your softer fruits, such as pears and set somers. Imagine if you will, that you are off the coast of Cornwall aboard a traditional fishing bowl, to see his calm and the breeze gentle. The sun is shiny overhead and the only sound is of the waves gently lapping against the boat's hold. Suddenly you hear a cry for help coming from the water and see a distressed swimmer waving for attention. You grabbed a life boy, but as you do, the sweaty luncheon-meat-tainted

hand of the boat skipper grabs your arms and stops you. Now, have me got tar for that sun and eat it, get back at your in-charge for the sweetly the sweety repeat on gold, let the fork and drown. It is of course my co-host Mr Andrew Dorsal. Oh Andy and thee, his fat legs are bandy. Oh Mr C captain, with his neck folks flapping. with his neck, folks, flappy. His butt smells of hot dogs. His breath stinks of eggnog. He likes to watch the swinging,

wearing his bikini. I got a full call, then, Andy, that interrupted, but I hope you still heard it. He likes to watch the Sweeney wearing his mother's bikini, might have been list. Did you enjoy that? I'm sure it would be there and I'll pull it together in the edit. I didn't

enjoy it to be quite honest, no? No, you didn't enjoy it. No, nothing personal. I just didn't enjoy it no nothing personal I just didn't enjoy it do you not like the feeling of being out on the boat and the English channel yeah that bit was nice but then when it just turned into a string of insults against me as per usual I switched off but you know it's all right it's not about me it's about the listeners enjoying themselves and that's the main thing. I'm thinking of an animal's backside again. Yeah, okay.

Can you guess what it is? Okay, any clues, I mean, I was at UK Indigenous, World, African, anything you can help me with. It's UK based. UK based. That doesn't mean that it isn't specifically UK. I imagine it's global, but I haven't got enough information on it. I think it's probably a deer. It's not a deer.

I'll give you one more clue. Got it. It's a very low animal. Budger. Oh, it is? Yes. Ha! Fuck me!

It is! You know what? Because this sounds like it's nonsense, but I'm going to just turn the camera around. Right. So that you can look at my notes. What does that say there? It says a very low animal. Badger! Well, well, I feel quite important, Andrew, you know what I mean? Yeah, I feel like that game is now redundant. I think you've completed it. Have you ever been sea fishing, Andy?

Sea fishing, no. I didn't say sea fishing. No, sea fishing. Sea fishing. Have you ever been go-karting? Again, I don't think I have no. Okay, what? I've one of them, I've one of them pedal cars, which was a little A-A car, a little yellow plastic A car. Yeah, never heard of it, Andrew. You know the A, the fucking ear. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. The fourth emergency and all that business.

The ultimate bail association. Yeah, because we'd dad used to work for them. Did he? Yeah. So I got a little pedal ear car when I was a kid and it was one of them was where the pedals weren't as smooth as a good big and you could quite easily get your ankles caught in the mechanism. I've got to skin off. I remember that jeopardy. Did he have a uniform? He did, yeah, cup and everything, yeah. He managed to actually re-asup to the level of inspector. It's kind of like the army. He was an inspector, which is kind of like a kernel, I think in the army. So you must

have been a disappointment. So wouldn't he? If it be like, if he's of high rank, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. At least just kind of a will to do about what I do and why I do it, which is very enough, I guess. Does he have an incredible tail of a rescue that he did? You know, I would like you to deliver the bear, but he on the side of the A1 or something. Never did anything like that.

Never did, he once appeared on the big breakfast store. Right. When your former cohort, Mark Lamar, He never did anything like that. He once appeared on the Big Breakfast Store. When your former cohort, Mark Lamar, he used to do a report from somewhere around the land every morning. And he interviewed me dad at something like 20 past seven in the morning from the outskirts of Newcastle in January

when it was fucking freezing. And me dad was kind of given out traffic advice and all that sort of thing. Did you ever keep a term for that? Of course I did, yeah. Of course you did. I did digitize it recently. Have you ever... I've put a YouTube for you if you want. I think you should. Have you ever used a plunger and it worked? You know what I mean? You've used it to and block a sink or a toilet. No, never worked. I always find going in with a bin bag on your hand and going in Elbow deep is usually the best way. Okay, thank you for that. You can then pull the

bin bag out and turn it in on itself. It's a bit like a dog poo bag but in a larger scale. In a human context. That's fine answer for you. Ever be nice to brainstorm at a meeting? I'm just trying to find out a bit more about Yander, you know? Never. After all these years of being doing this, he's still curious, I like that. I've never been as to brainstorm.

I probably have, and I'm probably really good at that sort of thing. I've started for a long time. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Get you? If you want us to brainstorm something at any point in this episode, give us a subject matter and I'll brainstorm. Okay I'm at Lambda on you at some point. Alright yeah you do that. Yeah. Badger man. John Cooper locked down. Yeah. He sent me a little one of his

little poems. That's a big. I think I'll perform it. It doesn't have music does he? No just these vibes. Oh okay. I say it goes. I've got Curry stains on me kitchen curtains and on the cowboy boots that I bought from Burton's. I've got a pot of yogurt that's on the turn. I've got a stomach ulcer and acid burn. I've got Hobbit's face and tiny hands. I've got a form from the council where I don't understand. But overall, my life is sweet, cause I never leave me house without pocket meat. I'm not down Gary, the man you will marry. I'll find you, John.

That was nice, isn't it? That was lovely. How are you finding things and lockdown and all that? Well, I'm writing a book at the moment, you know. Are you? Yes, and it's well, you know. Well, a children's story book or something, is it? Well, it's meant to be for adults, but a lot of people have commented that kids would enjoy it.

Yeah. I mean, I watch a lot of football, I enjoy, I'll tell you that. Yeah, it's kind of, it's there, isn't it? And you kind of feel compelled though, but... Yeah. Sunderland. Yeah, you've turned the corner. We've turned the corner, we've got a young lad in charge. Oh, young?

23. 23. You've got a 23 year old, aren't you? Blimey. Blimey. He's got a, like, I don't know, attached fireworks to the roof and put on wheels or something I don't know. Where did he make his money on the internet or something?

He's in her earth from his dad. His dad used to be the owner of Marseille football club. Blimey imagine. He's grown up in that environment and now he's took control of the fucking binfire that is sundland. I thought you were going to say his dad was the owner of the RSC which of course was the class year of the rescue organiser. Well actually me dad originally worked for the RSC but defected to the year so he preferred working with poor people, yeah. Austin Ravies. Morris Mines. And our new, um, our streaming of the live matches on the internet, we've now got four cameras instead of just one.

And it's all down with this junior guy. I'll down with this new fellow. He's brought three cameras with him and put them up. What's his first name? Kirill, like Cyril, but with a care. You should call him Lil Kieroll. Lil Kieroll. Yeah, Mike though.

Now listen up, I'm meant to have an email transcript Andrew of a Wav from Badger, Infinity Rocket Plastics here. He's managed to get a blue tooth record and device into the canteen that leads you in the night. Training ground. It's not come yet, could you, you've got his number, could you give him a ring? I will. Thank you Andy.

Is that you badger? Mr Dawson I presume, how is thou diddle-worthy? Fine, thanks, Badger. Whilst I have you within my radios, and my tie interest you in a new piece of software, we have developed F, here at RIP. Yeah, go on, tell us more about that, yeah. Have you ever wondered what the atmosphere is like? Backstage at an Icelandic choir concert,

or backstage at a poetry recital in Greenland? To be honest I haven't know. Okay you're lost. Now what can I did with you, Yom and Dustin? I just wondered badger if you had that wafer from the lady in eight. Ah yes, the Yorkshire pudding files. I'll wringle that over to your good selves now. There it goes. Thanks, Badger. Listen, what's so good about these backstirge Icelandic choir recordings? All they ever do is bed mouth British grime artists. It's treasor musing and very fucking vindictive.

I drink deeply from it overflowing goblet. Okay, alright, say it, budger. Not if I see it you first. Uh, go. Right, let's read this out there. From the lady in that, you're training ground, featuring Mesilia Ealeig, Deavies, Phillips, Klitsitch, Shackleton, Bamford, it starts with Kelvin Phillips.

Radio lot, it's about time you all grow up, grow your air and worry to not look like me and Luke. We need a strong collective brand, we need to start fearing to our opponents like Highlander did you know are the fella in New Joker Joker movie what's it what's his name? Luke Eileen is that me? Yep yeah. George of Phoenix Phoenix. So it's Fox? It can be and you're the next one. Jimmy Shackleton.

Jacqueline Phoenix I think. What a pair of puddings, them's his girls names. Do you know Amelia? Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na. I've seen a town dweller, snuffling and scratching in the woods. Sheer seems strange. You're all your own ludes now, Maly,

and not South Carolina, your bomb kick. Well, look, it don't matter. So, can we all agree to get top knots on the go-ben? Yes, Kelvin, me, Shackleton and Glitchy, all of our hair bit cuts. Number one on the sides with a NAND red flap up top. Max does look really great. But you look like extra in East German film about wheat production. It's not fitting for a premiership. You look like you haven't got a

topony bit to rub against your obnell boots. Yeah but you top not to make you look like some big rubby savage make paint for a fantasy comic about to broke with a steal ass Rubbish that's rubbish. It's rubbish. I didn't it look It's rubbish. Oh rubbish. He's like no one is chopping a boot. Don't rubbish with a dollar for spuggy cuck I I change my Herbert crop for no city slicker bullshit. Make man contrastile. Well, I'm going to take this up with Mr. B. Alsa. All look, air come little Lord Bumford.

I say guys, do any of you want to sit with me? I've brought a picnic hamper. What's in it? I've got a flask of scotch broth and a delicious cream tea. Scotch broth? Boss, so's right, kitty. BROF, scotch broth. It's like a soup, but it's a broth. It's not a gruel, if that's what you're thinking. A gruel is much thinner than a broth. I would never eat gruel, but I adore a bowl of broth. I think you'll find Norway wants to sample your broth, Patrick,

and we'll task you to eat it on your own table. Hey, Patrick, which of our aircuts you prefer back where? The herb cut or top not? Neither I'm afraid. I think both cuts look a bit hillbilly, no offense of course. Look, I like this guy. Nene, Nene,, it comes the boss. Do you want your bucket boss? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa A, lyt boss ysdynch chi. U'n sgwch, a'r i'n sgwch yn ym yn ordd. A, lytw'n sgwch yn y boss ysdynch chi. A'r i'n sgwch yn ysgwch yn y boss ysdynch chi.

A'r i'n sgwch yn ym yn ordd. A, oedd. A, oedd. A, oedd. A, oedd. A, oedd. A, oedd. A gangman, a lasser, a man de vidio él, a fougraccia, a patrica, santo llanto, a santo bough. The elves are sits next to Patrick and starts talking into the broth.

What did he say Patrick? He said that he likes my hair cut best, because he saw it on a drawing once that the hairdress is in Monteviedo in the 1980s. And he also said, those suckers are missing out on some fucking banging boff. Would you like a quumpet boss or a pop on my trumpets? And everyone in the canteen, last as if every stitch in Beelsa's cat suit, had just boughed to the tune of my old man's adjustment. Well, you know, we try that, we try under, you know.

It felt a little bit experimental, that. Yeah, it happened. So, you know, what, what can you say, really? I've got for you, might be a youner dent right here. I had a bit of a horn emerging to see the other day. I needed someone to come and have a look at the gutter in right on the fungal or because there was a dead seagull lodged in it not nice and I've got a fairer heights and I bought fancy dealing with a seagull corpse either so I thought I'll get somebody in to do it.

I went on that app next door. Are you familiar with next door? Never heard of it, no. It's like a local community app and everyone can join in and, you know, it sounds awful. It's a good way to get recommendations from local people and it's a good insight as to how mad some of the people are in your local area as well. I recommend it, it's very good so seven-hour-it-people

Chipped in after I said who's good for gutter and seven-hour-it-people chip didn't it says Nick Fox Okay, is your man for the job? So I texted this Nick Fox and he said he'd do it, but he's busy till next Monday So that's not ideal or whatever after an hour later. There's this noise on me roof that's not ideal, whatever. After an hour later there's this noise on me roof of the fungal law. I got into the garden I ever look and there's this block on me roof crawling around towards where the seagull is and the gutter in. Right. It's fucking Nick Fox. How would you know it's Nick Fox? That's got a big estimate. It's okay. Coincidence if it's not. I said, oh what you doing and he turns looks at me leaps down Off the fungal or roof and lands on the deck. Yeah in a crouching position nice I spoke two meters regular two meters in front of us, but he's got his mask on it's all good. Got a wall hat on as well. Keep him warm

He says soon you oh Can Jeremy Corbin in it it? Wow. Fucking Jeremy. Clambyn on your roof. He says, soon you're there, laddie, with your little retirement cottage in your baby trampoline. I have got a trampoline and it is quite small, so fairly. It's one of them little ones with a bar on the front. Yang want to know when you jump when I'm down. It says, what's your best roof height? I don't know, it's this one. This is where I live.

20 feet, 30 feet, I'm not sure what. I don't know how high it is. I've never been up. Scared of heights. It says, ask me mine. Ask me my best roof. It says, alright, what me mine. Ask me my best roof. I says, alright, what's your best roof? Jeremy? She says, 3,000 and three. No chance.

Ah, hi, roof. He says, and a half. So, I don't know what the half was. Half of 3,000 and three. Don't know. Then, Grubzold and Mihaar's pipe, which is over next to the wall turns it on full blast puts his thumb over the end You know what to make the spray a bit stronger. Oh you do that Spray it at the seagull seagull dislodges lands right on me Ed. Yeah, you're right on top of me Ed Yeah, like a hat. Yeah, and he just sheds Bosh

ha shit happens and Fucked off and he just shouts, BOSS! HA! Shit happens! And um, fucked off. Oh, so I'm stuck there with this? Fucked off? I'm stuck there with a seagull on me head. Outside with fungalore. So do you think that's a unit, Ed? I think it is. I think I've been, um, an ex-party leader on top of your bungalow, yeah? Yeah.

Given granted, awarded even the um... Was he Nick Fox or was he not? Maybe we'll never know. No, I'm not going to find out. Unless you meet the actual Nick Fox. Well, let's Nick Fox turns up next week. Yeah, he might do. ["Five Oils"] Crime Files.

["Five Oils"] The North of town of Sherrington is a typical English seaside destination, replete with beachhut, scobble streets and alleyways and its famous Victorian promenade. Crime is almost unknown in Sherrington apart from the occasional drunken disorderly in high season, but that changed on 2 July 2020, a day that the town will never forget. Local nonsense potter Neil Hunt was taking a mid-morning stroll along the grass-top cliffs that overlook the harbour when he came across two young fellas enjoying a picnic together. It was Michael Richards, ex-city of Manchester footballing and Raheem Sterling,

footballing of Manchester City. Neil. Excuse me young man, but I'm afraid you're not allowed to picnic in this area. It clearly says so on the signage at every available entrance. Mika, I'm so sorry mate, but what business is it to yours, you old crank? I'll tell you what business it is of mine. I'm a local nonsense potter who pays a fortune in taxes and rates to this community. Is that good enough for you? Is that good enough for you, you royal highness. Rahim Sterling. We all pay our taxes, mate. That doesn't make you special. And anyway, what

how am I we doing? Yeah, yeah, we're just having some Charlie Cakes and Mr. Kipling. Hey, do you know Mr. Kippling met? You look about his age. I didn't say you were causing any harm. I simply pointed out that pitnicking here is against the regulations. That sort of shit can soon lead to anarchy. And by the way, Mr. Kippling isn't a real person. He's just made up. What? Like a Robin Hood or Sting? No, not really. Not stinging Robin Hood and myths or fables. Mr. Kipling is just a marketing device.

Are bad Sting or Robin Hood would let us have our picnic? That's as maybe, but they don't actually exist. Whereas the council regulations are very real indeed. Now on your bike before I call the police. But mate if sting doesn't exist then surely the police still exist. Oh right well let's find out shall we mate. Alpha 99999! Neil took his knocky out of his anorak. Christ will you have a look at that phone? It's all you probably have to put a penny and slot to activate it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He'll begin to dial, milk her, jumps up and punches the phone out of his hand, so brutally

that the phone flies over the edge of the cliff into oblivion. Oh, jeesh. Tee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee- good to order your taxes. A new phone. Take it and get fuck on your way. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Get off me. Take your hands off me. You fucking giggling half wit. I'm meeting my brother-in-law here today and a heavy who know that he owns a machete restoration business that also sells harpoons. Stop my other inmate! You sold, you bought your first car of Fred Flintstone! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, you're sold, that you went to an antique auction, and three people made bits for you!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Neil tried to pull himself away from Richards, but he just tightened his grip around Neil's neck. Oh shit. Ah, why is it always little old me? I once spray paint in my poodle for a charity function, and I'm in leaving my incredible potting hands to medical science. All of a sudden Rahim lets out a scream.

Then Micah, blordish, dropence. Neil turned his head to see Rahim being dragged along the grass with a large harpoon bolt attached to his tracksuit. On the other end of the harpoon rope is Neil's brother Gary, who's wielding a huge, partly restored machete. Again? No? How dare you want some meal hunt, a non-thrux's potter! That's out of here, you pair of Todd warriors! Mika, let's go of Neil and legs it. He pulls the harpoon out of Raheem's puffer puffer vest and carries him away in his neaky sports hold-all.

That's right! Go on, run! Go on! Run! Good lad, Gary! Come on, let's eat those bastard's cakes! Gary and Neil sit down and devour what is left of the picnic. As Neil finishes the final bun, he gets up and stands on the cliff edge. He shouts out towards the distant waves.

I'm Neil Hunt and I'm loving my life! And I'm loving my life! So that was Crown Files under your handle, though. I thought that was good. You enjoyed that one. That was strong. I did. I enjoyed it. But it's not important, is it? Hey Andy, I think we've got Paul Skulls on the line now. Yes, we have, yeah.

Hello, Paul. Paul, are you there? I'm connected up. Yes, all right. Thanks for joining us, Paul. Great news that the fans were going to be loading stadiums in the next few weeks. How are you feeling about it? Wow, it's a disgrace. What, how do you mean?

Well, I mean, it's obvious what's been going on with this past year with football stadiums, isn't it? Is it? Yeah, of course it is. Every church style in every stadium has been fitted with mind scanning equipment. The radio thoughts when you go at the ground and they upload them to the United Nations database for analysis. That sounds a bit extreme, are you sure, Paul? Well, of course I'm. It's all over the dark web.

What? Tell you, that's not all. As well as scanning what you're thinking, they can also put a mind-clog over your brain when you go through the turnstiles. It was on the dark web. All of a sudden, what will happen is you'll get 75,000 United fans cheering for the opposition. A mind-clog. A mind clock. A mind clock, yeah.

It tested it out when Afghanistan. It's all over the dark web. You saw all of a sudden, you're cheering for the other team. Ray! Ray! What you thought of it? What you're doing it? Well, it sounds pretty weird.

That way, wouldn't the TV cameras or something? Or pick it up? Well, that's the be-all way of it. The camera's can't detect it because the technology isn't advanced enough. So, it's almost as though it's not even happening. What it is. Well, maybe it just isn't happening, Paul. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd say that. Typical shape reaction. Yeah, well, it's just, you know. Baaah! Baaah!

You know who's behind it, I'll talk to you. No, it's just you know You know always behind it all don't you know who's behind it? It's finnety rocket plastics. I saw the van near old suffered last week It was disguised as an agos van, but I know what's really going on. Yeah, okay, but I think we'll wrap it up there then Say no to mind clocks stay free band the BBC and I see and clocks stay free, ban the BBC and ITV. Oh, I think we've lost him there. Might be, yeah, that might be for the best. Yeah, he's increasingly unhinged, I think is the word.

Yeah, I mean, you know, maybe he's on to something, but he's not convincing me, Andy. Well, that stuff about infinity rock of plastic that's that's bullshit. Absolutely. Badger wouldn't get involved in that side. I think of a more ethical company or corporation than infinity rock of plastics nonsense. We've got Nigel Pearson on the line. Hello Nigel, how are you doing? Nigel? Nigel, are you there? Do you want to fight? Not really Nigel, no, why do you ask?

Because unlike you, I do want to fight. No, I'm alright, Nigel. I just wanted to ask you about your new job at Bristol City. If we were to fight, it is a fight that you would lose. No matter what your fighting ability, mine would be superior. I am an excellent fighter. Right. I mean, I believe you, but what about this Bristol job? It's two months only, that will give me enough time to fight every player and member of the coaching squad. It's an ideal opportunity for a fighter, which is what I am. I'm a

superb British fighter. Okay, but I don't think you can stop the recent slump at sea. In terms of the number of fights rather than points yes I do I will bring a fighting culture to the club and I will leave without losing a single fight. Okay right I think I'll just leave it there Thanks Nigel. Can I just say hello to Troy Dini whilst I'm here? Yeah, of course, yeah. Dini, just name a place and time and I will fight you. And at the end of the fight, I will be handed a trophy that says

this fight was won by Nigel Pearson, who used excellent British fighting techniques. His opponent lost the fight because Nigel was the better fighter Thanks Nigel Yeah, thanks very much. He's gone as he he's gone. Yeah, I've just leaned down a gauntlet there for Dini still with the fighting Are you watching any TV at the moment Andy? Then when you're recommend? There's a very good documentary on Sky Documentry called Class Action Park which is about a water park in New Jersey in the 1980s where health and safety was not a consideration. Is it worth watching Andy?

It's funny until it stops being funny. That's all I'll say about it, but it's a good watch Yeah, okay. Thank you for that and it's only about an hour and a half so you know, it's not gonna tick too much of your time up I've been watching Do you remember the hotel from channel four? No, I've been watching that again Superb series if you fancy having a look at it I would start with season two episode one which which features Mr and Mrs. Tickle. It's up to you. It's very good. What was that again, the hotel? I don't remember it. You go for seasons, four seasons of it. It was a bloke. He had slightly like quaffoo, blue font sort of hair. And he was desperately

trying to keep this hotel going down in Turkey. Oh, this sounds good. It's really good now. I'd start with season two, episode one. But is it on the all four service? Do you know what I've YouTubeed it? All right, okay. Whatever. It's not on all four and I've been watching you watch Salva Junta with Drew Pritchard. No, I've never dealt with that either, sorry. Well would you have a look at it? See what you think and yeah just doing that. See what you think. And yeah, just do what you think. I'll wait. Now it's just in the eye. I insist that you watch Salvatoners.

Abba Quizandi, standard format. It's called pop, Boeing, adhesion. P-not. Twang, boff, filler. Oh yeah. Thwack,ap, sealant, gume, just a little more time, time, time, time, time. So ice price, lower price, B and Q prices. The three items are, solvite, wallpaper adhesive. Right.

It's the box size andy, you know, you know, I mean it's a box, I think it's got two packets in it. Similar size box, same size box, in fact, all-purpose poly filler. And the third one is unibond, mold resistant white silicon sealant, standard, you know, that tube that you're pressed with a gun. Yeah, that's the cheapest, that's the cheapest. Okay. The wallpaper paste is, what's the middle one again? Polyfiller, box of polyfiller. Polyfiller is most expensive than the wallpaper paste in the tubers sealant.

Oh, wow, have you fucked that up Andy? Most expensive is the sealant at £9.47. Then it's the poly filler at £9.13. And then the wallpipradys if at £7. With, I want with me got there, I've got to see it. I want with me got, do you know that's fine? Sometimes that's best. Yeah, I thought I'd try that instead of over analysing it. With that in mind, would you let me

to brainstorm anything before we finish? Um, could you brainstorm a solution, right? Could you brainstorm a solution to, um, sugar, putting lots of sugar in your tea, making it too cold to drink? Are too cold to be satisfactory? Um, making it too cold to drink or too cold to be satisfactory. Mike were having the sugars too obvious because that wouldn't work,

but I would put the sugar into a sandwich bag and I would dip it into a separate cup of hot water beforehand and then pour it into your tea. Thank you Andy. You have brainstormed my problem. Get in there. Thank you. Thank you. Byeed my problem. Thank you. Thank you. Bye bye everyone. See you everyone.

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