Athletico Mince - Ep. 125 - Mr. Parakeet

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

Safety first, crime on the Tyne, a Littlepod, Martin visits a darts star, and Barry C. Homeowner returns.Join Club Parsnips for the entire Mince archive at https://www.patreon.com/athleticomince Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Hello everyone, welcome to Athletic Go Mint. We're here, we've got safety advice, obviously we've got that for you. We've got an idea, a bit of an epic with Eddie Howe First of all can I just ask you Paul, do you ever dream about me? No. You fucking liar. Get you, you've got an attitude on you haven't you? It's been something I've been wondering about for a while I thought I'd ask you. Safety first Andrew, is important. Always. always important and thank you Mickey Dixon for sending me again some of your advice a little snippet of your life

looking after your local areas yes let's see you what Mickey's had to say a little listen to that follow his advice you'd be daft not to all right let's Mickey Dixon here you can't have your steak bacon eat it safety first you're joking aren't you the postie knocked on the door this morning with a sack over his shoulder sucking on his vape machine like he's trying to f**k and suck the stone out of an olive does he not realize that some of these rapes of heavy metals inside that could alter the brain chemistry turn his mind soft you know if the nicotine liquid gets sucked into the lungs then your

lungs will melt up and be shot to a thousand shits like what would I be able to do I can hardly take two paces with me neck advertly it's practically born on born you know I'm in no condition to rub a bido on his neck and blow his lungs back up. Can't fawn for help either because I left me fawn in Janet Pagock's conservatory when I was doing a Pilates class. Safety first postie. Try some nicotine patches or hypnotherapy you know it worked for me when I gave up betting on the dogs oh way up there's Ron Chin walking along like he's just shat out the claw hammer

probably on his way to the chemist for an elasticator stocking aw fuck an alley stepped off the pavement Ron, Ron get yourself back on the pavement you slack bastard fuck off Mickey, Imagine your own business! I hear you were at Janet Peacock's Pilates class yesterday? Yeah I'm on my way there now left my phone in concertry So come you can do Pilates with that back of yours I thought you was born and born!

It's all about your core Ram Janet's very careful about putting any pressure on me back Might do your hip some good. How are you anyway? Awful. It's more or less bone on bone me hip. Every time I take a step, it's like a fucking hip was yawning inside the joint.

Aye, that sounds like bone on bone, all right. Where you off to? Chemist, for an elasticated bandage for me knee. Well, they do offer support Ron but be careful you don't overuse the knee because you get too confident but you know I'll be boil on bone before I know it certainly first aye thanks Micky aye aye Janet aye I left me phone at yours can I come round and fetch it not now Mickey no I'm on me way to the barbers get me extensions re-glued should you really be exposing your scalp though adhesive Janet

god knows what's in that stuff why not just have a side pattern very surf hairstyle the side pattern it's little clasps not adhesive you fucking dial right I don't know Mickey probably I mean they're not gonna be sorry it's clasps not adhesive you dial I don't know Mickey probably I mean there's not gonna be wood on me are there what's your fucking point? so like if you get a bag on the head like say from fall in debris and it smacks on one of these clasps. It's gotta be a chance the metal could penetrate your skill your skull Ah, shut up, biggie fucking snowflake And that my friends is what we're up against safety first. Yeah, you're joking There you go, well, yeah you can't mess about when it comes to safety, so very important message there.

Do you fancy a quick game of Blankety Blank? Go on then. Right, here we go, Blankety Blank. A very quick version of the game. I'm going to give you one phrase. This was a studio audience. A number of people were asked to provide the answer. The middle class was all asked. The middle classes were asked in the room before they... yeah here we go. Swimming blank. Swimming blank. Pool. That's your final answer. Humiliation. Oh that means wrong. Incorrect. Unfortunately it was swimming regulations.

No it wasn't. No it wasn't ending. It was. That's the answer I've got written down here. So that's swimming regulations. So thanks for playing. But unfortunately you have lost there on... Oh well I'll play one with you then. Blue what? Moon. Blue moon. No it wasn't that. What was it then? It was a blue wardrobe. there on I'll play one with you then you know blue what moon blue moon no it wasn't that was it then it was a blue wardrobe fuck off if well you might give anyway you can't play it all right I've got some names for you go on then you can of course be honky-tonk or you can be Peter 20 breakfasts Peter Peter the

20th Peter 20 breakfasts Peter and his 20 breakfasts i don't know anything about him all right well that's just the name you've got or you can be jerk circus we can make some assumptions about peter breakfast he likes breakfast he lays fond of a breakfast yeah up to and including 20 breakfasts i think jerk circus i don't know i think he's got any show circuses probably hangs around the back of the big top, trying to sabotage it, cut the guide ropes, something like that. Or you can be ProbeTube XL 2024.

I tell you what, it's a good job the circus is in town. They're always looking for clowns, Andy. Are they? Yeah. Do they advertise locally, the Job Center or something like that? Go on, carry on, Jerk on carry on Jerk Circus. Oh you can be Probe Tube XL 2024. I don't want to be Probe Tube. It's an Olympic special.

Oh do you want me to be him? No. I'm drawn to Peter Breakfast. Is he just Peter the Breakfast? Peter 20 Breakfasts. I've said it four times you've got it wrong each time. Pick the 20 breakfasts please. Right you can be picked a 20 breakfasts. Hey up lad, do you think, do you think Andy, the ugly people, we might well be ugly I don't know, it's not for us to say, but ugly people when they look in the mirror, they think they're ugly or do they all think they're like a medium? Speaking personally, as a handsome man, this is not something I've got any kind of insight into not what is ugly do you think anyone looks in the mirror and says I'm ugly? you think they do?

that bloke was the barman in brush strokes Elmore he probably looked at himself and thought he was ugly I think he might have thought he was a reckon everyone thinks they're made is that what you're not honestly really good-looking right like minimum is medium yeah minimum so title could be I don't know where have you got that from a swimmer being sent them so I was just thinking about it I was you know like I was just thinking about it and the yeah all right then I was just thinking about it Andy. Yeah, all right then.

["Joy to the World"] Have you got something? Yeah, I'll tell you what I've got. I've got a very interesting Geordie Heat. Oh my God. Infinity got me just a few pages of a Netflix Geordie Heat script, fresh from the writer's room.

Yeah, it's pretty topical, actually pretty topical. Moose tells me they had to intercept it by uploading what they call a witch's coffin into their Netflix server and then hard hopping it using a floating bastard reverse swab on the IP provider yeah nice work I said to Moose nice it's f***ing balsamic he replied yeah and we left it at that yeah okay Geordie Heats Crime on the Tine Hot Geordie Nights

Geordie Streets Full of Crime Geordie Heats full of crime Jordy Heath DI Edward Howe, Eddie Howe is sat behind his blow-up desk I don't know what that fucking is eating a bowl of ambrosia right nice WPC Denise Welsh is sat at her desk reading TV and sat like tittle tattle and bullfetch magazine what it is and it's a slow day yes that's what I'm trying to you know I mean sit in the sink yeah you're a writer yeah so Eddie's first one breaks the silence these people at Ambrosia really know how to boil their rice and cream it up to the fucking hilt don't they Denise?

Denise? Aye pet they've got it off to a tee do you prefer it hot or cold? I couldn't give a fuck either way it's all about the creaminess for me and how it reminds me of when I was a baby There's a knock on the door and Chief Inspector Amanda Staveley enters the room, Eddie stands up. Denise doesn't. Good morning and afternoon Chief Inspector Staveley. Amanda Staveley. Just call me Amanda baby. Formality stifle the atmosphere.

Am I right? Well you're not wrong Hinnie, says Denise. What on earth does Hinnie mean? You know that you're not wrong, Hinny, says Denise. What on earth does Hinny mean? You know, that you're a friend and that. I'm not your friend, darling. I'm several strata above you. Am I right, Eddie? Tell me that I'm right.

Why don't you, monkey, say, well, hey, boss, I'm on a tin rice high and strata's of no concern to me at this particular fucking time. So I expect you've heard the news Edward. I'm cashing in, leaving the fold. You should get a job with the umbrowsier people Amanda baby. They're sharp as fuck I tell you. They would love a bird like you in charge of their creamery. I don't think so Edward. I'm going to be a movie star like that there Barbara Windsor. Am I right? I think I am. Denise, I don't mean to be rude or

out but are you not a bit old for that lark? I'm Amanda Baby. I don't mean maybe there by the way. I'm the most striking thing on this earth, darling. Am I right Eddie? Well, with the exception of the ambrosia, you may well have a fucking case. Enter a gentleman from the football association called Jake Biscuits. I'm looking for Eddie Howe. Someone said he was in the building.

I wouldn't have a clue what he looks like. That's him over there. I'm Amanda Stavey by the way but you can call me Amanda Baby. I'm Eddie's boss so that makes me quite something. Am I right Eddie? Yeah I'm Eddie out. What do you fucking want Jake? I'm from the FA and I wonder if you're one of the job of manager of the England football team. And when I say football believe me I haven't got a clue what that actually is so don't start getting all frequent forensic on me especially as it's only 10 minutes till the Toby Carvery opens. Are you for fucking real? Have you got some idea of something

that identifies you? Jake shows Eddie a photograph of himself and Gianni Infantino the boss of FIFA. Look that's a picture of me with Geoffrey Infant the boss of all football sharing some sausages at Wynlydicca's bar. Look, that's a picture of me with Jeffrey Infant, the boss of all football, sharing some sausages at Wayne Lineker's bar. I think that should tell you all you need to know. Who's that bird on your lap? That's one of Wayne's angels, Tatiana. Clever girl. She phoned me the following day, suggested you for the job. She said you had a nice arse and a comfortable lilt.

She's not as pretty as me though, am I right? Well, I'd say you're quite wrong on that one madam. Sorry, I mean Amanda Baby. In that case, I forbid you to talk any further with Eddie about this England job. I've changed my mind. You are twice the woman of this tart. And a lot younger looking, am I right? Yes, in every respect Amanda Baby, yes. I'm so fucking interested in the job what's the money like I'm on 4 million so you're gonna need a top that 16 million sound that's what Tati

Arda suggested so that's a million pounds for every match it's very fucking appropriate and tempting but I do have one demand that is tantamount to a fucking deal breaker what's that Eddie? Creamy tinned Ambrosia Rice. I want it to be within 10 yards of a can of it whenever I'm on duty. I think that can be organised. Think it's no fucking good to meet you. I need a definite indian firmative fucking answer.

What is Ambrosia Rice? Is it a football thing? Absolutely fucking hootly mate. I'm alright, Amanda. You are Eddie. You absolutely fucking are. Okay, well, I'll make this Ambrosia stipulation the first line of the contract. Do we have a deal? Yeah, I believe we fucking do. Alright, Hent. Pleasure to meet you. I'm off toe. We'll see you soon at a football meeting. Good day. Good day to you, son, and may I wish you all a fucking bit in your future fucking endeavours. Jake leaves the building, Eddie and Amanda begin to giggle. I should work Tati-Arna. Call me Tati-Arna, baby.

Looks like we're both out of here. Rinse and repeat, am I right? Baby, looks like we're both out of here. Rinse and repeat, am I right? And they both laughed so hard, it's as if a thousand delightful stars have exploded in their hearts. How about that? How's about that? Lovely stuff, very clever there by both of them hello oh who's this my name's Dominic Littlewood and welcome along to and have a

look at Dominic Littlewood. Hello Dominic. My special guest today on the podcast continuing to evade capture and conviction for a series of crimes that way about that's just what I like to call bad that helps loosen the guests up it's not another red mr. bumblebar thanks for coming on irregular guest on a Dominic little point nice to see you again first question I feel do you have a favorite stance when you're cleaning your teeth? Um, upright obviously. I don't crouch out like that. Yeah, I've noticed pretty... Come on now. What a great question. I've touched the nerve here. I think there's something under the surface you want to reveal.

Alright, I put my foot up on the little footstool. Do you? Yeah. Very dramatic. Very elaborate. I like it. Myself personally, I like to stand with my legs slightly apart like a cowboy. I've got the toothbrush in my right hand, cleaning my teeth.

Left hand, right hand by my imaginary ulster. In case a foe comes in and I've got to draw my gun and shoot him you're very vulnerable when you're cleaning your tongue I'm most vulnerable like a shitting dog nice one dog I'm glad you've got something going on there good answer second question when do you think the last time a car stereo got nicked was? whoa yesterday no you're joking you think they're still getting nicked was whoa yesterday no you're joking yeah I'm not joking

they're still getting nicked I think someone will rip them out no just a sign of electrical items they're impossible to get out now they're welded into the dashboard aren't they yeah but they'll be an old Allegro somewhere you used to be able to get them out with a knitting needle or something you used to put something in the sides and then put them out wouldn't they I was told about it on a documentary I made about young offenders you saw it on a poster sharp well I got a peed on it anyway I'm on a fence on that one I don't know but how many stupid decisions do you think you make in the average week week for blah blah blah one a day seven a week seven away you don't even stop at weekends no

don't stop if I'm probably it'd be more stupid at weekend right it's usually choice of television program right our YouTube where or food yeah wrong choice before you go I tell you what's a bad and he is thinking it would be a treat to get a deliverer or just eat or whatever yeah and the you know the cold shite turns out when it's no fucking good yeah yeah yeah I'll do documentary about that once it was one of the mornings oh I guess I've run out of questions. I thought there was another one. I'll do a little song for you if you like. You don't have to. You don't have to. I don't mind. It's only got one verse this time.

Here we go. Orchards ain't hardly got apples no more. Trade windows all covered in muck. My brother-in-law laws cost stereo's better than mine humanity's down on its luck this is the state the absolute state the state of the Thank you Don. Oh shit. I will always have time for you. Thank you Don. Thank you Don.

Andy have you ever been on Don Littlewood's podcast? Has he got one? He's got one, he's called Little Pothers hasn't it? It's erm. No? I think it's not really thought through, you know, he's had some little thoughts that have interested him. Thoughts thoughts.

Yeah and he throws them at you. No, I've never been invited on sadly Yeah, well if I'm not big enough for that kind of thing, but yeah sounds good Do you want I you know he's a character I've known for a long time and out of the blue I got a vlog sent to me from Barry Ohm. Remember Barry? I remember Barry Ohm. Full of advice, full of life, is it life hacks? That sort of thing. Could be. That's his vibe. Yeah. So I suppose I should play it for you Andrew. That's a nice thing to do with a vlog. Play it. There it is. Are you ready? Yeah. 3, 2, 1. Yo yo yo Barry Holmode here, windfluencer and trendbender with this week's

Inspir Aspirational vlog. Let's connect and engage and move on up up up into the business sky. Let's show the moon and its followers who's actually in charge here. Instigato impels seducio. That's my laning plan handle. Follow me and realize your dreams. So what's been new in my life of superb? First up I've installed a hardwood decking patio around the back of the thought pad. It's horizontal and grooved, just like King Arthur's fish slice. It's stained bin of butter colour and comes with a watertight senior warranty. Peace of mind means productivity without fear. Fear's a terrible thing and

I'm the first person to conquer it with a contractual fighting style. I won't let you down I'll just take you up, up, up Up into the business sky And you feel, feel like you're making love Making love to an Irish teapot Collect memories, not things. The builders whose patio installed had a line of banter that literally bent my penis into an S shape. That's a memory I'll take on with me on my journey

to business ascendancy and going forward achievements. I was at the Audi dealership open day last weekend, wore an outfit that screamed prosperity. I won't let you down. Ah, fuck. I'll just take you up...

Up into the business sky. You'll feel, feel, feel like you're making love. Making love on the Scottish B-road. on the Scottish B-road On the Scottish B-road Ya worn outfit that screams prosperity River Island skinny fit white linen mixed shirt with contrasting noir buttons Sleeves rolled mid-forearm to reveal a quartz movement Stainless steel, Zircon the time provider

A-line peppy jeans with boot flick Cut over mid-tans, slip on croc effect, point the way forward shoes. Finished off with a pair of reactivated dark lens sun shades from Tee-Woo. Yeah, I did. When I walked in the showroom, the doors opened automatically. That's what I call respect. And I won't let you down. I'll just take you up, up, up, up into the business sky and you'll feel, you'll feel, you're like you're making love, love, love, make love to a Peregrine Falcon! Today I'm taking the TT to a little gastropub in the sticks, travelling solo, no obligations,

no distractions, just smooth cornering and epic acceleration. Who needs friends when you can chat to yourself in the wing mirror? A phone ahead to tell them I'm on the way. They seem disinterested, big mistake, remember be interested, not interesting. I'm an interesting man but you wouldn't know it from my conversationality I've got clout I'm a business academic not a pantaloons in the clown car see ya Barry homeowner I ain't done him for a while

Oh Andy there was a really good episode of Martin from Homes Under Hammer on the radio this week. You know the show where he goes around celebrities houses and has a sneak around them. So I taped a nice bit of it. I'll play it for you. Do you want to get the theme check first? That's very important. Oh yeah, what is it? Ma Ma Ma Ma Martin Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Martin Ma Martin Tin Tin Tin Tin Tin

Hello, I'm Martin from Homes Under the Hammer Today I've travelled all the way to the Netherlands for a very special home visit It's about to knockity knock I'm about to knockety knock these bloody teeth on the bright green front door wish me a lot of luck luck a luck luck the door opens well hello there mr. parakeet and how are you today and may I come inside for a look about it's Michael Van Gogh

I forgot how to do it Michael Van Gogh What do you mean Parakeet? My name is Michael Van Gogh. I'm not a Parakeet I'll be the judge of that I think Righty-o let's take a look inside your magnificent dwelling or should we call this cage? Now first of all I can immediately see that high up across the hallway is a large metal bar. Is that decorative or is it functional Mr. Parakeet? I use it for exercise.

I do pull-ups which improve my forearm strength and makes my dark throw more powerful. Is he a fucking transformer? What the? Oh I see. You're sure you don't use it for perching on? You know what, would you be in a parakeet and all? I don't know what you're trying to say to me but I'm a humble bass player and nothing more.

Right. If that's what you do, who am I to judge you if that's what you want? Thank you Martin. That's okay Mr. Parakeet. Now, let's take a look inside your kitchen. Now then, what do I see over by the back door? It appears to be a large bowl filled with seeds. What's this? Is this your dinner then or what?

Don't be ridiculous. I'm going to plant them in my garden's borders this afternoon. They're a collection of mixed perennials. Should you really be planting seeds at this time of year? Or are you planning on snacking on them? You know, like, just like a parakeet, mate. I am not a parakeet. Please cease and desist with this line of questioning. Hey, I'm just a truth seeker, my friend. No need to get a fucking strop on with me. Onward then, and into your bedroom.

Oh, look at this flooring, how interesting. It's neither carpet nor laminate. Let me have a feel of it. I do believe it's a large sheet of sandpaper. So what? Well I mean, yeah I suppose. Well I mean it's very much you know like what you find on the floor of a parakeet's cage isn't it? Not really. I enjoy feeling the rough texture as I walk around in barefoot, there's

nothing weird about it. You enjoy feeling it? Do you actually enjoy using it for claw and beak maintenance? That's the big question here I feel. Look, for the last time I am not a parakeet just because I wear a green shirt. Now then, can I use your toilet or should I just go on the sand sheet here where I'm stood? I'll just go on your pants, you look like you already have. How fucking dare you! At least I've got shoes and not clothes.

Your shoes look like tits. Your face looks like tits. I've only got one face. Not from where I'm fucking standing. That doesn't mean anything. Get out of my cage. I'm in house. Don't worry, I'm going. The door slammed. Well that was a delightful the delightful home of Mr. Parakeet from the twin worlds of darts and imitating

human speech patterns and while it was very very very unusual I have to say that I liked it. I liked it very much indeed. Now it's time to track down some sausages yeah there we are speaking of sausages yeah I got a quiz for you go on the stars or sausages okay play this once before and you absolutely bossed it so let's see how you do this I'm gonna give you five names so that's stars in the sky constellations or they are a type of sausage from around the world gotcha I don't know it's pronounced as Kasi q a z i Kasi quasi maybe Kazai star sausage fuck get in one nil uh beemim b e m i m beemim sausage yes sausage yeah okay munch spell it m o n c h please please m o n c h munch start or sausage sausage star ah man Farron higher F a r I n you know what I mean I are here it's a

sausage do you know that for certain no I can tell it is it's a fucking sausage lemon mint sausage yeah that's a sausage you want up three two you nicked it Richmond what Richmond oh you're just saying Richmond sausage in Richmond just by the river there yeah what do you think about the widening of the sausage world all these various what do you call it artisan sausages you can get now I mean I'm good to any of us I'm locked into just a very plain sausage to be honest. Yeah. Is there anything to be gained from exploring that world of sausages? Well, if it means more sausages, then yeah.

We're both pro sausages. We're both very pro sausages. And I'll tell you what Andy, just to say, I know you're the air fryer king, the original air fryer man. From what? Eight years back. I'm pretty much started this podcast. Yeah.

Um, the sausage in an air fryer is a wonderful thing. If you get it right. It is sublime. It is absolutely sublime. Yeah, it really is. So there you go, that's Mintz. I hope you've enjoyed it and thank you for tuning in. Have you enjoyed it?

I've enjoyed it, yeah. I've, I've. I particularly, I particularly enjoyed Michael Van Gelwen. Thank you very much. We'll get him back in some capacity. Yeah there we are thanks for listening and goodbye. See ya!