Athletico Mince - Ep. 24 - Clown Car Mercy Dash

Episode Date: August 19, 2016

A Casper update, some pocket money chat, a racist ping pong ball act and a preview of a Gregg Wallace musical. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Here we go again. Nice eye and I liked it. Yeah, it's a good it. I did enjoy it, Ronnie. In fact, I'm actually going to evaluate its power. Do you have a machine? No, I can do it using me logs and that. You're in an assessment. I would say that that sigh had enough power to ripple the surface of some pancake batter. But not enough to raise the brim of a static trollbee, right? Right. So I'm going gonna award that sigh,

seven farts and a dancing galley, and that's a decent sigh. You know what, that's all I could hope for because if I knew I was gonna be assessed, I probably would have tried harder. Yeah, well, maybe I will next week. Anyway, here we are, I think it'll go mince, the UK's top horse drawn podcast.

It's horse drawn, it's horse drawn this week. Clippity club, Clippity club. Exactly, and you look and well, Bob. Thank you. Have you been working out? Eh? Have you been working outside? Yeah. Working outside. What do you mean? Working outside. Yeah. I went outside and I had a wee wee in the drains actually. Yeah. So that's not really working out, is it? We haven't sorted your name out yet. I've got someone off a running. Let's have them. Brent Horsepipe, well done Edward. Mr Cupcake or Donnie Roe Man's or of course you can always stick with Ronnie Outlook. Well Donnie Roe Man sounds a bit like Don love the Sunland player. Donnie Roe Man's not good enough. No I'll go for what was the second one. Well done Edward.

Yeah I love that. Alright well done Edward. I'm gonna be rude as I always am and say look I left last week's podcast, I left Casper lifeless on a kitchen surface having been booted by the fat lass. I would have left that little unit there. Would you, well I'm, I'm just gonna say do you want it? Do you want your, can I just say for just for people that it's 50 50. But you want to, you want the full story. Let's have it now. Let's put people out there misery. Oh, you sure? Yeah, it's good.

It's that news. He's alive, but he's in a critical condition. I've just got off the phone from his source at the veterinary hospital where he's been treated, right? Yeah. So let's go back to last week's events. Yeah, we left him on the kitchen surface just as the fat last was going into a spasm or a fit.

Yeah, she booted him across the floor, didn't she? Right. Well, she managed to shout, stay about me! So of course, Steve runs into the kitchen, assuming she's shitting her neckas and wants him to wiper with the disc off, yeah? You immediately say she's fully clad in a towel and in that, and struggling with a balance.

So he puts his arms around her. It's all right, love, calm down. It's just one of them, you know, one of your daft fits, because of your hemoglobin content, you know. I'll say, I'll get your glass of salted water, bring your blood pressure up, and a sugar lump, and cares it's high, but it could came here. He's really calm, still. He's a very caring man, isn't he?

Yes, so he sits down. That comes across in his management style, I think. Yeah. He's got a hair island. He's an arm around the shoulder manager instead of a hairdryer manager. Exactly. So sit still, she's dribbling a bit and not thinking because he's got it in his hand.

He wipes a mouth with the dirt, he discolves the arm, and leaves a little bit of cack on her lips, but she doesn't say so. Well, I'm just saying, people want to know what happened, but Steve does notice something. He knows it says the lifeless Casper on the kitchen surface yeah. Now immediately knows that's unusual because Casper isn't allowed on the kitchen surfaces

because of his spewing and that yeah and let's be honest and he can't climb up can he unless the fatl has got her bandages and leggings and that's drying on the clothes horse in front of the cat. He can get up there. So he goes over what are you doing up there Casper you silly plunker Rodney and he picks him up but he's cold and he should be and he's not moving at all just like a dead weight you know. Casper, Casper what's happened? Oh my dead weight, you know. God. Casper. Casper, what's happened? Oh my God, Casper.

He puts his ear to Casper's chest, right? Because he thinks maybe he can hear a heartbeat, but it's really difficult because the fat lass' foot is twitching and kicking the bacon trays that are slotted in a gap between the cabinets. Yeah? Sorry to start. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And he's also, she's got Chris Evans on the radio, Yeah. It's very distracting. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

And also, she's got Chris Evans on the radio who's making like monkey noises. That's just distracting as well as. Yeah, something to do with it's that. When's the wacky wildlife club he does or something? So, Steve's beginning to cry, he realizes something really wrong here. All he can think to do is,

because he's got to get a call, this to run him under the hot tap, yeah. Yeah. See if that helps. Turns the hot tap on, as soon as he turns it on, he realizes it's far too hot. Is it one of them boiler taps? No, it's not boiler tap. It's hot for that.

But the fat loss has been washing the bandages. Yeah? So it's really running hot. Sorry, Kasper, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But he swears he saw a tiny little movement around his neck, like a little swallow. Kasper, you're a liby-shout. Hang on in there and I'll get you to hospital. a tiny little movement round his neck like a little swallow. Yeah. Caspian a l'Ivy shouts, hang on in there and I'll get you to hospital.

He wraps caspian around his neck and he shakes, shakes fat and that's love, love. I've got to say it caspian's the hospital. Where the car keys but she's not responding, yeah. I'm not at all just keeping kicking the bacon trays. So he looks for his keys, can't find them. Like fuck it he thinks I'll take the clowns car. Remember he was, he would get started the clowns. That never goes out?

No he says I have to take the clowns. And everybody gets it the garage. Go ahead and take the clowns car. Typical circus clowns car, you know, like slightly square wheels, yellow and red bright colours. Big horn on the front. Yeah so he honks the horn all the way to the back of the mile away, honks it all up. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. C mile away honks it all up ha ha ha ha ha ha

Casper's not well ha ha ha out the way Casper's not well and all the people on the pavement are singing as he goes back as he goes by they're saying he's got a hair island right so anyway then Steven will comes off at the light so put your back in smoking out the ass end of car, when he arrives at the vet's doors, fall off, Steve hardly notices. He rushes in, he plunks Casper down on reception, yeah, and he says, please, please help me, something's wrong.

I've just found him like this on the kitchen surface next to the home pride playing flower jar. Well, that was information he didn't need. The guy on the way to panic and he just saw him out, he just shelt out and out. And the vets at reception and Vets immediately picks him up as he does saw Andy, little bit of spew, dribbles out a cast. Sign of life. Steve can't help but pour a big smile on. That's my Casper. Come on Casper you got to fight. Yeah, Vett takes him straight into a surgery with the nurse. And as they do, the Vett says over his shoulder, looks like he's been kicked or hit with something blunt. He's bleeding.

He realizes, Andre's breath says, you bastard. You'll hatch bastard. You say Steve's put two until together. Yeah, you know what she was kicking. Yeah, he knows. I can't catch him all night. He knows what's happened and I tell you next week what happens,

because that's a slightly separate story, but it always goes off between them. But as we speak, he's under supervision, in intensive care, basically soft tissue trauma, internal bleeding, and a burst internal abscess as well. It's a scandal man. Listeners, Andy, it's basically 50-50. You know, this reminds me of 1981 when Roy Riss of Roy the Rovers got shot.

Really? And they dragged that out for a few weeks as well. So I've got that the way we track it. Well I'm pleased because everyone's gonna be really worried about that. We're not at the end of the story at OE. We're not out with the tunnel. I don't like the sound. It's catastrophe, piled up on disaster, piled up on trauma. Yeah, you know, I don't mind the sound of that internal Ibs, I'm just saying. I'm just saying the anti-biotic technology for reptiles isn't great you know that's not that's his problem he's on a drip I thought that Tim

Pekemite had come back from out of space with something but he's offered nothing in the way of reptile treatment and finally muck as I was worried I said all right Tim have you got out for snacks says nothing yeah who's this do anything to get us this. Because he's having time off now, isn't he? Do you know what a biscotti is, Andy? I do, actually, yes. What is a biscotti? It's Italian Biscuit.

What's the purpose of this Italian Biscuit? You can dip it in a jar of dolmio. Okay, well, no, you don't. It's almond flavoured. I, and? Is it a biscuit you could eat without dipping? If you were desperate. you know, if you were starving a death, you were trapped in a minor something. So Andy does in the authentic voice of

working class Sunderland doxide, right? He knows what a biscuit he is. Makes me sick. What's he like that in, didn't he? Okay, over to you, go on. Yeah, I'm going to give you a quick yes or no. Thank you. Three questions, yes or no? I don't understand these Andy, but I'll do it. Just do it. Will you? Yep. Makes me out me right? Eps yes or no no grapes yes shapes Big yes one out of three I don't know I don't know. Okay. The thing about that is Oh, not your cannot if it was two out with three. Yeah, you'd know that at least one of them was definitely right. And which one it would be, but you got one out of three. Maybe you'll try harder next week instead of just

laughing it off. What's your main? Sighture. I don't understand it. What's your main sudden food craving? You know, like for me I'll just say my suddenly I'll go and need cheese on toast. suddenly I'll go, I need a bird's eye boil in the bag beef with a pickled onion, hey, or an onnium, I suppose we should call them this week, the pickled onion, I watch you off with, you know,

sudden food gravin. Um, off a box of rich crackers and a can of lilt. That you really like? Yeah, I tell you one that gets me just a pack of crisps followed by a calippo. I really like that, and I just, I don't cry me just a pack of crisps followed by a calippo. I really like that. Alright, calippo. Don't cry. No, kind of crisps. Just playing, ready salted.

Bit dull, isn't it? Yeah, but it's a good, it's a very good combination. Have you ever been to Paterber on your own? No, I've stopped while I've passed through it on the train on your own. But it looks quite a fearful place. You reckon? Yeah. Oh, it's probably a nice place. I'm just, I've never been on me on there. No, who would you go with? Who would you go with usually?

I usually go with one of my children. I say come on, let's get out of bed. It's not really fair on them, is it? You put your collar to the dooty down. We're going to have a day and paint the bread. Oh, whole deer. Yeah, well, it takes two hours to do that. It takes a deer.

It's got a big church. It's got a drive through Starbucks next to a drive through KFC. Not bad, that is it. All needs kit for there. Yeah. It's, have you ever damaged your phone and the unusual circumstance? Well, these are the wife's questions. Are they just...

They can be if you want. Let's pretend they are, yeah. I just can't... You're not over to you. Have they ever damaged before, in unusual circumstances? Yes, for example, it's fallen into a lizard or it's melted during prayer. Someone like that. No, not damaged, it's such, got lost.

It got lost in a dodging car once. Nice. And when I got home, I just rang the phone and the fella who found it, who reached a return it to me, and I gave him 20 quid. Was he a member of staff or a punter? Just a punter? You're lucky you want member of staff, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you're saying, yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't want to be reassister anything for you. No chance. What's your name? Would you like to denounce anybody at this point? No, but I'd like to hear who you are. I'd like to denounce Abta. And just tell me a little bit about Abta.

Abta, well apparently the association of British travel agents, but I tell you this, you've got a good route around on their website to find out what they represent, what they stand for, what the initial stand for. All right. Front page just says abta. Yeah. And then I just refer to themselves as abta. You've got to go into the who are we section. Yeah. And then about us. Yeah. Hour history. Yeah. 1950s or whatever it was and they were set up. Then it tells you that it's the association of British travel agents. So that's the wronging beef. That's on. All right. The quarter conduct Looks like it was written on the back of a fag packet, riddled with inconsistencies. It's vague, it's flaky.

I don't know who's running this up the thing. I reckon it's a couple of fellas just in a flat above a chip shop. It's probably there are initials, you know, really. It's probably Alan Benson. Alan Benson and Terry Oldton. Terry Oldton and some of that. Have you had any dealings with them? Well I tell you what, I'm not feeling any younger awards. I mean you've said that you know you create a thousand for them and they're about O's

and they're a history. Yeah. Well that's fair enough in it. Yeah but you've got to really look for it. Oh could you give a toss what they're a history? It needs to be on the front page of the website. What a BAFTA stand for. Good, Colony Film and TV. But you'd want a BAFTA wouldn't you? I don't have a BAFTA stand for. Yeah, fair enough. Oh, I see. I mean, I should support me in some of this stuff.

I'm denouncing things. Hey, I tell you, he's somewhere interesting. Do you own me Greg Wallace counting in? Yeah. I went in and then we back kitchen. Yeah. And picked it up. It was on the floor for washing.

I absolutely riddled with moths. I had to throw it out. Get lost. I won't get lost. I refuse to. Honestly, it's I had to throw out. Imagine that and put it in the bin. Got a moth infestation in me back kitchen. Just in the card again. I won't get lost, I refuse to. Honestly, it's out of throw. Imagine putting them in. Got a moth infestation in the back kitchen.

Just in the cardigan. No, that was, I mean, it's wool. That's what they're holding in on. If they like natural, you know, like natural fibers and that's all that. Funnily enough, there was a lot on me Greg Wallace cardigan. Yeah. There was a lot on a rug I have under me darts board

because it's like a sheep's skin rug. Yeah. And a lot under the bag that I put me cat litter in. God knows why they like it down there. So, I mean, I've got rid of them now, Andy, but the Greg Wallace carling and fell in battle. Are you gonna get another one? Yeah. But that was a nice one.

It's your signature look, isn't it? Well, it's the Concealed Zip Andy. So I can go down Mark's and Spencer's, be it just and get one way you can see the zip or a nice thing. It's your signature look, isn't it? Well, it's the Concealed Zip Handi. It's out and go down Mark's and Spencer's BHS and get one where you can see the zip on a button one. Yeah. But it's that beautiful Concealed Zip and I ain't paying more than 40. It's that feeling of getting one over a stranger, isn't it? Who thinks you were in a jumper?

Yeah. You know there's a zip there. Yeah. Concealed. Great big fat smile on me, folks. Yeah. And a nice tight ass. Have you seen carbon again this week?

I have, yeah, I've been off to another Leabber leadership to be it. Are you stalking him? I'm just interested in politics. I know you are, yeah. So this was Nottingham yesterday, the latest Leabber leadership hustings. Where was it going? I don't know what a husting is, do you? I have no idea.

So this was Nottingham. I know what a rustling is. No, that's a different thing. This was Nottingham. What's the venue? You know I like these do you? It was the county ground not in them. Not in counties. The cracking ground. No, no the football stadium. Oh, not county. Not county. Not in county. Not in county. Not in county. Not in county. Yes. And it was I am the lion's but not out of town. I would say outdoors. I think they had Rihanna on there last week, so they just kept the stearjup.

Yeah, as they were. And they've had Corbin and Smith. So, I got an early, got right down the front, wearing lots of red, you know, want to spur the lads on. They remind them of what I saw about. A little bit more detail, you mean red tie, red top, red tie. Red tie, red shirt, red trousers, red hat. Did you fuck? And some lovely lipstick.

Alright, so you're down the front. So, I'm right down the front there. This, obviously I got recognized from this. There's people singing, you know, get your tits out, get your tits out. Get your tits out for their jazz. Yeah. Get your tits out for their jazz, you know, and shouting. Hey, it could fry a whole box of eggs on them, fun bags.

Yeah. Not very nice, but you know, so anyway, a Corbin comes on first, because he's opening statement, he does a tight topical 10 minutes about the Olympics, lottery funding, sport, how it attacks on the poor, and how he's going to make team GB compete in Western pants, you know, in the future when he's Prime Minister. So hold on a minute. When he's Prime Minister, the British he will compete in just white vest and grey pants.

It's not about that, he was it. He keeps the funding down, doesn't it? Yeah, it's not about that, he's spread the money, the lottery money among the poor who appeared from the first place. Then he did an acoustic version, a part of the union went off for the break. So I went outside for a f because I was a little bit of privacy from the Titzel Brigade. Some of the other in the tab, mine and my own business, out comes carbon with his pipe. Quite a mile to back row this week, smell like a basma.

I don't know, basma. No, no, no, basma, it's a great one. It's a great one. Nice, quite a nello, nello sort of smell smell I'll stand next to him you know looks across he says senior so I yeah it's a senior so I do the vice I wouldn't know he spoke so do the try the vice he goes there senior in there so it'll senior in there and wrecking all the bees nays don't you I'm gonna do, so you're fair enough. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, a bit, yeah. What's the fastest you've ever climbed a tree? So, I'm not really sure.

I'm not comfortable heights, so I don't climb that many trees. I don't get petrified, like I ever been unsettled. Yeah, okay. Anyway, perfectly natural. So, I'll tell them this. And that says, you know, not really a fine climbing trees. He throws his head back and he says, I thought that might be your Achilles heel. So what's the fastest you've ever climbed a tree then? That's a couple of minutes. I'm careful, you know,

belt and braces. This is I see. Ask me mine. Go on, ask me my fastest. Says all right, what's the fastest you've ever climbed a tree? You're three seconds, three fucking seconds. Fucking seconds. Wow, you know. And then when I go up to the top, I jump straight off, straight down onto the grass. I'm stunned by this, because he's wiery.

He's an old fella, but he's wiery. Not an answer for that one, certainly no noticeable sign of any like tits on me. So I says that's amazing three seconds. He says yeah it is isn't it? Heads back towards the door, back to the second part of his hustings. So just before he gets back inside he turns around and he shows. Was the bonsai tree you fucking nub end?

No I mean. I don't think he likes you. his own knee-shouts. It was a bonsai tree, you fucking nub-end. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you can't clap and bonst has too small a climb in it and so three seconds. Well that's what I would have said but he'd gone by then. I didn't stay for the next batch when all. He should have said it was I don't know, a little bamboo. I don't know. I don't know what to say Andy. Well just think carefully before you vote the next election. Well he's got a little strappy fellow though, I need you. I think it's me, just like me.

Yeah, no it could be you, Andy. It really, really could. The, um, Olderman, one of your about in. Yeah. Do you want the wives' questions? Oh, they've got them as well. Ah, it's, it's, it's, not, we'll say the Peter one and they, um, I'll give you one from the wife. It's just so much. How much pocket money do you get every week? Three pound fifty. Three pound fifty.

Do you spend it in one, so I spread it over the week. I tend to see it up because I like to buy a CD now and again. I like the CDs, I like the music. Kind of. So, in two and a half weeks, really, see if I've up for a CD these days? I get mad on Friday's when you get yours. Off-riders as well, Friday, take time. Friday, take time.

I get mad. I've got to be honest with you, I just blow it. And what should you get? At a tenor. Yeah, not bad as it. That's a south way. I go straight down and get a copy of shit. Well you're all of them makes you get more. That's fair enough and it goes on 50p, don't it?

I'll totally pay every year. No, I tend to blow it. Get myself, I know. Pack of what's it? I love a crunchy on a Friday. Sometimes I get a to blow it. Get me some, I know, pack a watch, I love a crunchy on a Friday. Sometimes I get a yoga as well. Do you? I get a yoga box of matches. It's false economy, that you know, you should be buying all this stuff in multi packs. Well, when you got 10, I don't know. You get 8 bags of watch that's for a quid at the

minute. And it just doesn't feel like that feels like a shop, like a sea adult, serious shop. I like just, I go I go open asked no idea in the me local 711 style one. I think it's a London's. I think it's a London's or do. I think I go in the London's and just like say I fancy that, I fancy that. Oh look at that. Look at that. You duff to us. Thank you. There must be laugh at the fucking heads off of you. Well, it's keeping them afloat. They've been down the bank and have said, look, Mr Pearson, guaranteed, we guaranteed we got to turn it every Friday. So we'll put that towards the deck, you know, I mean, Pearson's a prick, isn't he? Down at the bank. I don't know if you remember, but last week, the old man had a straw upon me after I kissed Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith So I wrote to him, sort of formally, you know, in a formal way, offering the come up to Stockton

and compare a variety show at the social club, like to raise money to get PlayStation's trumpets, hammers, that sort of thing for the kids. Can I just stop you there? Yeah. What's the best squeeze album? Player. It's not some fantastic place.

Carry on. So, you know, PlayStation's trumpets, hammers, that sort of thing for the kids to keep them happy You know when the parents are arguing yeah, so You bit immediately he was quite formal yes, Robert the town cloud will pick you up from Darlington station at 5 30 in the council Many bus, but there was no head it was very business like yeah, I went up there. I got there early I like to get a bit early if I'm doing a show. I'm just comparing there. There was four acts on, Hong Kong ping pong, the first act called, Charlie's block, who does tricks, tricks ping pong balls, right? He throws

him up, lands him on his nose, he like does a like, he crouches down and farts, then round the trend track, that sort of thing, you know you know bit of a racist and he hits white people yeah he blames them for VD puff stepdad I know it's corny but he's like a white rapper from up and off puff stepdad puff stepdad I just sat in it that's his that's all he's quite popular he's a bit like Freddie star but he wraps his jokes to like slowed down 80s discord tracks yeah either. Either the say's got a million pound stash down. Stash down an old mine somewhere. That's just you know. Is that true? I've fucked now. God. Jocelyn Shapiro's on as well. She used to be a stripper. But now it's a good

actor, Sandy. She does like sweary music, mute, mute songs from the musicals. Jess, she's just as a bride. She swears throughad. Yes, so she goes like, The phantom of the opera's a fucking dickhead. It's sort of thing. Why are there so many songs about wankers? Yeah, and- and I'm really sweary. So you're one of B-o-wanker. It's art, it's a good fun act.

Sounds a bit rude, it's good fun act. It's a fun and stuff. Brian Sharp, he, wanker. It's art, it's a good fun act. Sounds a bit rowy, it's good fun at. Brian Sharp, he's traditional observation comedian. I ain't seen him before, look forward to seeing him, get some tips from the Observation Comedy. And House Band up there, there's a Fire Brigade. They're all ex-fire fighters, are associated with firefighting, fire industry. I'll wait in me, Rome. I think I'm going on a bit. I'm sorry Andy.

No, it's really, it's gripping. I know it isn't. I'm waiting in me Rome. I just don't be on think near, he's not going to come the older man. Then Vika came in, the one with the twitch, he was like bleach. I asked if he could have a turd in me shit about the alley. But there's no sad in the older man. Sure starts. I do, I do, I do me normal like few jokes at the top not a single laugh nothing silence really I'd cry so I introduced on Kong Ping Pong little Chinese fella it got a little

bit belly and that as I passed him coming on the stage actually he whispered at me your white trash quick germ bolex idiot that's not really nice is it now you see if that was you, rules were reversed and you were seeing something in about your white trash quick, germ Bawak's, here we go. So he said, his turn was really good. One point, he stood up, think of this Andy, and he balanced on a single ping pong, right?

And then you know, they spit the balls out. Spit the balls out, straighten, like a bucket of soapy water Oh, well all the while I promise you last he's eating a pork shop. Why has he not been on Britain's got talent? Yeah, because of the racism I think probably Then I introduce Brian Sharp. Yeah, the observation comedy I stand at the bottom watch big block sheds like Wally air Yeah, Eddie large kind of I you know what you? You know what I mean? Starts up. Starts up. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm a never-n-autist. People would rather rip their

hands to shreds carrying ten carrier bags into the house than make two journeys to the car. Well, everyone laughs because it's true. Yeah, you know, but I say a chance and I shout out. Yeah, and avoid putting too much pressure on the brass and Voice Shit anyway, he carries on Have you ever noticed a have you ever noticed that all tell showers and next to useless when it comes to temperature Regulation and thermostat sensitivity. A, A, A, A, everyone laughs their heads off. You know, because what with it being troen, that? Absolutely.

And I think he's truly Mr. Tricks, so I show out. Yeah, and your brass ant sticks to the shower curtain. Fucking silence. Oh, you're honest, dead, hand stuff's not traveling, is it? I think I'll get on anyway, anyway. Do you remember, he says? Do you remember? I said, remember, here Jack Scouring Powder,

you could shift Fox Todd off a chance or with that stuff. Do you remember it? Do you remember it? They're left a fucking heads off again. And I, actually, it is funny, because I even recalled that it was a very good Scouring Powder. Yeah, and it's no longer available. Yeah.

I give it a final go. Hey, and I offer Niels to get Fox shit on me brass hand. Hmm. Nothing. Absolute sound, I'm really upset. I got outside half time for a puff of me crack pipe. Brian Sharp comes out and I pull out some sort of Brian interrupt and you're act like that and everything.

And he says Do you remember do you remember then his voice changes? Robert do you remember do you remember when it was only me you wanted to kiss Robert took his shades wig off. It's a God He says I told them I told them not to laugh at Robert to teach you a lesson, Robert, about having your feelings hurt Robert. Well, I'm a bit angry, but a bit relieved

because he wasn't doing me set being bad and he doesn't seem that mad with me. Comes over, rubs me tummy, then takes me inside on the stage. Whole audience are waiting for me, about 300. And they're all chanting, kiss the old man, kiss the old man, kiss the old man, fire brigade, bands, the drummer, he's actually fire safety officer, it's self-taish hospital, he starts up a drum roll, bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz bang! He plants like a full unfolded lip kiss. Right on me lips. Then with drawers his lips

like really slowly so they can stick together and then release superb kiss and he really was. Anyway, sorry I'm gonna... I'm just not for you. Rest of the announcement. No, not with boredom with a rousal. I know what you mean, it was a lovely kiss. Rest of the night went great. We raised nearly a thousand quid for the doors hey kids all wells and all as well and well So we've learned a lesson. I've learned a lot of it. I have you very good Can I do a little bit of observational comedy? Yeah, love you too. I've been you know trying to hone me up to gain this rig Listen, listen You know believe what I saw in the change station earlier a penis an

actual penis It would just sat there playing one of those pianos they have in train stations nowadays penis penis oh it's penis like penis yeah yeah we have a dropper it's complicated isn't it dropper it's some world plays more nor ledmunds house party you know really yeah listen listen please listen I tell you why you don't say but you're these days, Chernobyl? Do you remember Chernobyl from the 1980s? I was on the news, it was. Now there's nothing.

I like that a lot. I almost let it go wiped off the map. I like it a lot. I like that little one. I'm going to call it Foxtail. I call it, have you put a Foxtail on it? cuz there's I know what you're getting that with the map thing Yeah nice, right? We've got a topical one of your sport one as well listen man

What's the deal are you saying about it like a motorbike buddy wears a vest? I don't get it Do you get it? I don't get it I don't get it. I don't get it. No, it doesn't all work. It's a joke. Well, he's like a motorbike. It's like what's the deal with. You know, he's a thing. What's it about? It's not a small. He's fast like a motorbike, but he wears a vest. Unlike a motorbike. Is he wears a vest, unlike a motorbike. Is that observational comedy though?

What an observational about using Portland, I would say it's cast iron. So getting to its bones, it's like, I've noticed. Yeah, it's observational. That he's as fast as a motorbike, but he wears a vest. So you try to say like, sometimes I think it is a motorbike. It's like watching a motorbike, but it's got a vest on, but what a bike store we're a vest.

Do you know I would leave it Andy? All right. I would leave it. I'm sorry, but I like that one with the Fox tail. Really nice. I'll take that one in then. Really nice, Joyce. I've done some songs, I'm not happy with them.

I've you got a song to come in, swoop in and help me. I've been working on a musical. Okay, tell me more. About the life of Greg Wallace. Well, Greg Wallace is the musical. Greg Wallace is the musical. Because we're not Greg Wallace, he's a talented man, a successful man. He's one of life's winners.

A great. So is the old, is your music called Greg Wallace? Is it called Master's? Is that Master's chef of the musical? I'm the title free, yeah, but it's around the... I mean, I like it,'s? Is it like Master's Chef of the Music? I'm the title for it, but it's around the... I mean, I like it, but if it's called Master's Chef of the Music... What I want to do with Greg being the winner of the year is... That's not really an interesting story.

Obviously, he'll end up being the winner of the year, is it the end? Yeah. You know. I want to paint them as a kind of a troubled haunted sort of figure, a bit like the Phantom of the Opera, or the Madness of Kingness of King George. So I've got this song, this is like the... And where would this come in the story? This will be about half way through. He started out, he's got a place in his life where I think everything's alright but there's a few doubts coming in. Oh I can. Here we go. You might recognise the tune because I'm still on it from Preyfab Sprout. Alright.

I'm Greg off the TV. I spell it with an extra G. I'm the king of Master Chef. Completely. Bapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapap I don't even trust a road, think he wants to overthrow and destroy me. Ba ba ba ba, I eat hot dogs, legs of frogs, but I feel nothing. Hot dogs, roasted hogs, I feel nothing. My new wife's 29 wakes me up at half past five. I feel like I want to die by tea time.

My fans are all impressed. I've got them eaten well for less, but my heads are fucking mess. Please help me. Ba, ba, ba, ba. I eat hard dogs drink eggnog. I feel nothing. Hard dogs chocolate lugs. I feel nothing. Nothing. I feel nothing.

Right, so that's in my, his low point. Yeah, that's going to pick up from there. Right. And like Concus Concus, the culinary world, I swear. Yeah. Be brilliant. I like it, Andy. Yeah, that's our spot I've got really so far.

Thank you. I've enjoyed your company. I've got to go. See ya. Bye! Thank you.