Athletico Mince - Ep. 31 - Cuban Chicken Collective

Episode Date: October 28, 2016

A restaurant run-in with Corbyn, Bob goes up the Arsenal, we find out what’s the best chop, and there’s a brand new Scottish song too. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Alright, aren't you tongue? Oh, are you up? Was that, um, that was a sniff, a snort? Or something rather than you usual sigh? Well, you sort of stomped all over me patch last time with your sire so I thought try something a bit different. What is it meant to be more like a dagger to put me off that? Short, sharp, tick that more in my

robberk more to me. It's not an aggression thing, it's just something to just let me get in the place and ain't to be Puncture It's the thing. Oh well that's nice for the audience, for the first thing that here is you sniffing, you know, it's taunting up your nose. Well done Andrew. Well that's what you're gonna call it. Okay well.

Trying to be the best man that I can be. No, the best man you could be would be EG for example to say, Hi! All right Bob, welcome to athletic comments. Oh, hi, Bob, nice to see you. That kind of thing. Do you want me to do that? No, I don't actually, I'll give you a choice in them, no, okay, you ready?

Yeah. Number one choice for you this week, you can be tits muk pudding. Nice. You do, nice, isn't it? Yeah, it kind of fits you. I'm almost, I'm almost tempted to just say, stop there, I'll be tits muk pudding'm almost, I'm almost tempted to just say stop there,

I'll be titmating pudding. Well, I'm gonna give you all the choices because look what's coming up. She's an arist, she's aristocratic. Yeah, she'll solve a crime if one is placed into her life. Her name is Lady Caramel. Oh. You like it?

I do. I can see by your face, you can see yourself as Lady Cannibal. Yeah, that's the thing she's always has a carabiner in a mouth, gently melting. You know what I mean to put you off the third one, Andrew, is Agent Neto. No, I do like it. You do like it, don't you? you don't see many nettles around anymore. They gone I think I know would you know I think the neto might have gone, but it was a trailblazer Do you know what I mean? Neto was there before little and oldie. Yeah, go on

You could be oldie worldie if you want oh what oldie worldie oldie best Oldie president's man, Oldie best. Oldie, president's men, Oldie King's asses. Oldie King's men. If you want a supermarket one, what's your choice? Why is your choice? Now, Rolly Oc Dog's is safe. That's safe, Andrew, right? That's a king's choice. Is it going to be Titsmouth pudding, Lady Calamal, Agent Neto? I'm going to go to Agent Neto. Agent Neto, it is. I can't resist that. Okay, it's Autumn Andrew, I love Autumn. Do you?

I love Autumn, go Apple Red, Noggy Red, and you know what I mean? Try some of the berries on the bushes, play how berry dare you, see if you die or not? What's that? Well, you get one of these various bellies that are growing in autumn, try one and see if you die. Oh, do you like going in the woods at autumn, start a fire up, make a fire up some walls

potchip alas and a bit of bulmus cider? Not really, I like a barbecue with the sun, but not autumn. No, I'm very much in autumn, man, I love that. Hey, hey, oh, hey, oh, do you remember bulmus cider? Do ya, do ya, do you remember Bulma's side? Do you? Do you? Do you remember Bulma's side? Oh, what did you do? Do you? I hope you do. In the four-part flagging, you could buy it when you're only 14, as long as one of your party had a brass end and I did. Yeah, you're Bulma's side, with a bit of observation humor, Andrew. Yeah, good. Hey, do you remember?

either with a bit of observation, Hio-ma, Andrew. Yeah, good. Hey, do you remember? Do you remember? Hey, hey, when all you had was a two-bar electric fire, oh, and it got too autumn, or a chili, you put it on, but one bar wasn't working. So you'd poke it with your brass hand. And a top and the author of a new bit

would fall out of your illness. Do you remember that, Andrew? Yay! Yeah, you still rememberin'. Hey, hey, hey! Hey, listen! I tell you what you don't see any more of these days! Checkbox! Do you remember them? He used to pay for everything with a checkbook then.

But I'll up up. I'll just get my checkbook. Pack it a two decrypts. Where's my checkbook, Marion? Now it's all money. And if you say them, you'll five pound notes. You can have someone's eye. I won't want them. Yeah. That's not. Do you remember them checkbooks? Yeah. Massive, weren't they? Massive. Oh, massive. You'd need two ants to carry one into the foundry, you know, for your paying for steel goods. Do you like how I went from the past into the present with the five-pound knort bit? Yeah, it was quite as a journey of nostalgia right up to to like, you know, current sorrows about electronic

money. A blast of reality. Yeah. And it's been the audience on its head. And is that your wife, Marie? And I know it's you said, hey, get that, audience on its head and is that your wife Marie and I know she said I get that Marian I'm gonna introduce Marie and into it now. Yeah, hopefully all right. I've got more. I'm on Listen, listen Here's a list of types of all cars The Morris Marina the Voxol Viva the Austin Allegro the Austin Maestro the helmet Avenger the mini Metro, the Voxal Viva, the Austin Alagro, the Austin Maestro, the helmet Avenger, the Mini Metro, stop the clock, are you? Beautiful. Beautiful, I'm going to say I'm from my heart, I remember each one of them and it will be happening. Yeah, the warm

glove nostalgia there. Absolutely. Yeah, right. I've got more. I've got more. I've got more. Above yourself, one of those air fryer's the other day Went and got some air from the barber down the road put it in the fryer. Oh smell was horrendous That's like that's interesting because I remember the air fryer But like it's quite it's almost like sitcom that you were marrying got the wrong thing for the yeah for a terrible stench. You're wrecking the sun legs in that. So you're at what is my challenge to you Andy? I want like this gritty like sundall and sitcom you were marrying and all all the mishaps and goings on that up and at two time and your council else here. Right, I'll do that for next time. Right. Yeah, thank you. Would you like to have some questions from me, why, for, is that seem inappropriate? Oh, bring it on. Alright, first question, Andrew, are you ready for

my first question? I am ready. Just relax, honestly. I am relaxed. Which do you consider the superior chop? Lamb, pork or sui? Which do you consider the superior? Good one. For sheer volume, I'm going to go sui. He's gone for the chop so we have fair enough, absolutely fair enough. I would have gone for that too. The wife thought that you might go for the lamb chop because it is delicious. It is, but you don't get a lot for your money. I don't. No, you don't.

I mean, this is controversial. I probably just think I'm being like Mr Rich, but I think you need upwards of eight lamb chops for a satisfaction dish. Six to eight. I wouldn't disagree with that, but I'm not a millionaire sort of the tech of my reach. Yeah, they are a price, aren't they?

You've come across a bit of a twat there. Oh, well fair, but I'm happy with that, because I'm not gonna sit down and say to the way to say, where do you eat at Frankie's calf or whatever. And I'm not gonna say, no, I'm absolutely fine with tool, tool, I'm chops. Oh, do you think I am? You know, I'd like eight chops. Andrew, next question. Is your life a full-on disaster or just a crisis management situation? That's a good, that's nice question.

Hmm, I reckon at this point in time it's probably just an ongoing crisis management situation just like from day to day. Radio, it's not completely collapsed. Not yet, I'm juggling a lot of bollocks. Just putting fires out here and there. Yeah, putting fires out on a daily basis and you know, I'll wake up in the morning and me first thought could be anything from or Christ here comes another day to or shit why am I still alive. Yeah but you're hanging on in there you know you've not declared a disaster area in your managing yeah good luck for that good So it's time Andy for gangs of the EPL.

I went to see the Borough player Arsenal last week down at their Emirates. See you see the Borough player. I get there really early and there was a very nice test score just near the end and I bought a couple of Scotch eggs and a massive strawberry yop layer. Do you know the one that's about a foot tall, the yop layer, strawberry, okay well that's what I got. Now I'm about two or three hours early because I have what's called a triple air pass. The air stands for Access All Areas, right? Now this is exactly the same pass that say Tom Cruise would get or Barry Cryer would get if they weren't going to ask so much on me.

It's the top pass, yeah. I just want to hear. How did you get it? Well, because I applied for it it I've had that problem. I'm Dr Affel's name and I've been on the tally. So anyway listen to me story man says gangs of the EPL you name the stinger again if you want gangs of the EPL. Now I'm early I have a good sniff round because I've got me a pass yeah. So in the Emirates you get open down the different floors

with in a lift and I'm in the lift on me on with me and I see that the very bottom button is for the VIP car park under the stadium, yeah. So I thought I'll go and have a look at all the flash cars and that because I'm not bothered about meeting people and I haven't odd dogs and that. You're more interested in machines than men. Yeah, well not. You know what I'm saying? I'm down there. And just having a look at all the lovely cars.

The sunnier here like hushed whispering. Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, hush. You know what I mean? The whispering. And I look out and behind a pillar and I look over and next to a white Porsche Panamera, do you know that, it's a really posh car. Registration number three or 14.

Yeah. Well, there's Danny Welbeck, Theo Walcott, Oxlid Chamberlain, all stood there, right? The cats, they may now, they're wearing what you can only call a peaky blinder outfit. You know from that show, you know it. So that's like, tweed, waistcoat,

woolen trousers, cloth cap, big obnell boots, yeah's genuine. Yeah, it's like, tweed waistcoat, woolen trousers, cloth cap, big obni-al boots, yeah. Yeah. And I'm near enough to wear, it's Theo. Theo's saying, right, I've had enough of that spurs gang saying nasty things about us, unfavourable things, hurtful things, like we don't know how to use cash machines or that our man still do our washing. Right, so he's got a strap on, Annie. So just at this point, Santa Cazole, you know what, me walks by on his way to the changing rooms, he goes, Oh, Lattio, you want to come to my banana and liquid tap us party tonight? It's world-bent! Anyway, obviously it says, no, we don't piss off

sanitary pants, right? And then, um, Theo says, yeah, take your bullshit to another person, our group of people. Do you know what I mean? We don't allow pigeon chests to now, we're gang anyway, it's not a body shirt, we particularly appreciate. So he says, okay, all right, so I'll get through it quick, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg

a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg, a'r llarg a'r llarg, a'r llarg, aftodd am aesai, ac mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith ca'r ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r ddod yn ffas, mae'r d press the button and say it's delivery for Harry Kane. And when they ask what it is, we can say it's a chin drainage and polishing system. Oh, we could just shout fuck off, I'm a boy into the microphone part of the unit.

Well, anyway, then I belched, like I couldn't help it. It's cause of the fucking yop play on top of the scotch eggs, yeah? Yeah. So come out, come out, whoever you are to private club. What do you want little bald bloke? I said, I'm just looking for me for me car and Oxlade says, oh God he's from the north of England. What sort of car is it? A fiat panda.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm thinking of says, probably a matchbox model car. I hope you've kept the packaging as it will be worth more and you can sell it to our food up here for gas and electric. So at this point, Andy, God, this is long, I'm sorry,

but at this point, eight or Carranca, yeah, he's the borough manager. He walks past and I thought he might serve me so I go, all right, all right, eightor tore I said and he said he goes nice car he says and then he walks off so that's not good to me is it? Steele carries on like like we said this is a private club you can't join us unless you know the secret password so I said well it's picky golers isn't it? He's nailed it says ox lead and I'm upset says daddy, I can feel an injury coming on. Oh that's just great so as they are, we can't go on operation chinching with our security comprised. I've got an offer for you, Lads,

because I know both the main spurs gangs, as you know, Andy. I know the Sherwoods and the White Hearts. I said, they're planning some at big against your gang. I could find out the details for you, but I want some at in return. What is it says they are? I said, you make sure they are, Oxladelides you make sure are asked or don't score today So they're looked at each other and then Theo says all right, it's a deal

So rest is history and he knill knill great result for the borough and Now both the spurs gang and Theo's gang think I'm working for them. So it's all good and we got you know They didn't go. It was good, it was word. Did you like the story? I enjoyed it immensely, especially the pinky blinders element. Yeah, I think I should learn me voices. Not a bit more effort to learn,

I wish one speaks, but... Well, I can't see anything, because I just sit here and go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, did you think, all the way through? Did you think it was a little bit like in glorious bastards that's correct but I didn't it went on too long you probably you didn't and I think the cinema early idea could feel what you're going to say I want to say that new one that new miserable one that I am Daniel Craig. I'm Daniel Blegg. Daniel Blegg sorry Daniel Blegg

yeah the socialist one yeah. The socialist movie yeah I want to say that it was pretty pretty miserable yeah. And afterwards I was a bit peckish so I nipped in and and indoors. I like to run the corner from the cinema. I thought I have ackish so I nipped in a nandos. I like her. And the corner from the cinema. I thought I'd have a chicken burger or something so I walked in and then sitting in one of the booths at the side. Yeah. All he's on. Guess who.

What? Erm, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Jeremy Corbyn. Oh the Corbyn, man. Jeremy Corbyn in Nandos. So I'd be in the city of the socialist bus.

Well, that's what I thought. And I thought, and I said, er, hey, hey, Jezz, er So he'd be in the city of the socialist force? Well, that's what I thought. And I thought, and I said, hey, hey, Jezz, you be in the city of Daniel Blikman? This is a no. That's my day off. I've been to see Jack Rucher. Never go back. Hey, you know, he's tight-aloo. It can't be Daniel Blik's seven-dears-a-week, can it?

And besides, it says, you've got quite a surprise to see you in Asia. I mean, Nand done, you'll Blake, seven days a week, can it? I was just asked to say, you're quite surprised to see you in age, I mean, Nando's, you know, global restaurant chain, you know, skill sort of fast food place. He says, yeah. Do your fucking research. I think you'll find that Nando's is a Cuban collective that is spread across the globe, proving the capitalism can be ethical

and finger-looking tasty. Oh, exactly. That's the way it looked. I didn't realize that was what Nando's was. Proving the capitalism can be ethical and finger-looking tasty. Oh Exactly that's true. I didn't actually that I didn't realize that was what Nando's was I thought it was just like you know posh McDonald's and On his plate in front of him there's a load of chicken bones Which is a surprise. Yeah, he's a veggie, and he is vegetarian. Yeah, or Tori's vegetarian So is that is that um? He's vegetarian. Yeah, or Tori's vegetarian. Is that, is that, is that, you're chicken you've been eating there Jeremy?

There's no Billy Braggs. He's just gone for a shit. So, you know, I don't know what Jeremy you've been eating but he's with Billy Bragg. Yeah. Sure enough, any, sure enough Bragg comes out the, the, the gents, a couple of seconds later. Oh,

actually cool. That's what I'll give it 10 minutes before we use jazz. It's what I like to call an overwhelming mandate. So he sits down and he starts chewing on one of the chicken buns. Corbin says, I've reeled one in Bill. Do your worst. I'm like, what the fuck's going on? I don't know what that means. Well exactly Billy Bragg says there Can I interest you in a pamphlet? It's about the government It falls out into a poster so you can put it in your window There's a Communist leader word search on the back for if you've got kids and that you know

Good job, right and I'm like fucking, you know, what's going on here? Deer off apparently. Yeah. Still touting communist pamphlets. I'm like, you know, this is too much for me. So I just lied that I said that only come in here as the bug. Right. And seeing as, you know, Bragg had just come out with a 10 minute warning. I just made me excuses and left. Right. I went off and got a dick, a bob somewhere else. Right, when a dick, a bob, what's that? Well, it's just like a kebab, but you have a during the day. Oh, right here, it's not a different...

When you saw her. Okay, did you get the leaflet though? No, no. Oh, you didn't take it. No, Jesus, no, I just got it as quick as I could. E-S-C-P. Well, that's interesting. Because that's the first time you've seen Corbin, like not at work, as I could. Yes, see. Well, that's interesting. I, um, because that's the first time

you've seen Corbin, like, not at work, as it were. Yeah, at leisure. At leisure, and he likes a bit of Jack Richard. He likes Jack Richard, and he likes his Nandos. Yeah, I bet he sees a bit of Jack Richard in him, really. You know what I mean? No, no, it doesn't. I know I do.

Right, Andy, I think it's time that I gave you up day about Mark Lawrenceson. Yes please. This source has been in touch so you'll have to provide Mark's voice if you don't mind. That'll be a pleasure. So I don't if you remember but last time Mark had had the cancer's dinner party so Rob's and Greene missed out once again on seeing Raffa Benitez. Yeah. So one morning last week Mark's wife Belinda was washing his face with

a Belinda wipe and Mark suddenly says, Barbara I feel really sad about Rob's and not seeing Rafa and he hasn't fallen me since. But Barbara I feel really sorry about Rob's and not seeing Rafa and he hasn't fallen me since. And Barbara says, I bought you two of best friends. So Mark says, yeah, so did I, I thought we were the best friends forever, but he won't even answer any of my WhatsApp messages. Yes, so did I. I thought we were BFFs, best friends forever. But it's not even answering any of me, yeah.

WhatsApp messages. Let's just say like a little savory bit of the Belinda wipe had got into my mouth. Yeah, what's up messages? Hmm. Ffff. Ah! Let's just say like a little savory bit of the Belinda wipe had got into Mark's mouth at that moment. Anyway, so I say, oh, you're in a pickle aren't you? What are you going to do? And he says, right, I'm going to go in the shed and count all me screws and nails, because that always helps me calm down until I come up with an idea.

Do you want to say that bit? No, that's quite long on this. Because when he's upset, that's what he does. He goes to a shed and he counts on his nails and screws. And it's under the sun. It's under the ball, yeah. It goes in there, it's counting them. It's what he does. He spills them all out on the floor and starts sizing them. I'm putting them back in these like screw top metal tins, you know, about 10 inches wide. You know the sort of tin I mean, like like, yeah, tin and he screw the top one tight and every time he's filled one he says that's another bugger done. That's another bugger done. That's it then. Suddenly his wife knocks on the door. So can I have another crack at that?

Yeah. That's another bugger done. That's right. And then it's five dogs on the door. Suddenly, with his phone, it says, Mark, it's Robson Greene on the phone. I think he's drunk. So Mark says, hello, Robson, long time no speak. Hello, Robson, long time no speak.

Why would I want to speak? Are you literally bastard? You promised me I'd meet Ruffa Benitez, but I never, because you can't even organise a shitless shit house, I swear if I don't get a meet Ruffa Benitez, I'm gonna fire mom, me monster fishing gear, and chop me sell! Does he shout like that on the phone, does he? Yeah, anyway so Max, I thought, hold on, Rubson, where are I'm not old on rubson, where are you?

Old on rubson, where are you? I'm at the youth let's center on the off chance that rapper Benitez is wife is here. He says, what do you mean? What do you mean? I'm going to kidnap Mrs. Benitez and insist, raffer, us, crumbs and picks her up. He says, well, look, just there we are.

Don't do anything, Draft, I'm on me where? Look, stay where you are. Don't do anything, Draft, I'm on me where? Yeah, that's a cool, wow, yeah. So it's getting a story going, isn't it? I'm on my way. I don't do anything. Yeah, so he rushes out, gets into his eye undy,

and drives, tops speed, 30 mile per hour to the, oot, that's that center. He takes his tin and nails with him because he thinks, hey these might calm Robson down if he has so much to count, you know what I mean. When he gets a finds Robson sat with Mrs. Benitez and I cut the coffee outside Greg's, Jesus Robson, what have you done? Says Mark. Jesus Robson, what have you done? John, worry, Mark. Do you know Mrs. Raffer beneath us? We just bumped in.

Now we each other by chance, and it turns out she's a big fan of extreme fishing. She's formed up Raffer, and he's on his way here at Amoeba's. All right, that sounds smashing. Do you mind if I join you? All right, that sounds smashing. It's about of a join, yeah. Right, not that sounds smashing, do you mind if I join you? Right not that, oh so the sit for a while, it's suddenly there's a bit of a commotion along the way and there is Raffa walking towards them with his

security guard, Mark, he's quite formal, Mark, he gets up to, he wants to get up to greet them but as he does so he knocks his canister of nails onto the floor right, yeah well Raffa and his security guard immediately thinks it's a nail bomb so much to do with ice this yeah. So the security officer punches Ropson on it like the side of his tits and squirts some spray at the marks first, before grabbing Mrs. Benitez and rushing her and Raffer away from the ootlet center. Oh fuck says, Robson. I saw that I'm stingy later, I'm never going to meet Raffer Benitez.

And Mark puts his arm around him and says, yes that was a bit of a screw up on my part. Yes, that was a bit of a screw up on my part. Yes, that was a bit of a screw up on my part. And Robson says, oh fuck off your useless twat. And that would like be the, that's kind of the end of the story. Mark was young, didn't really pull it round, but to share, I feel getting feet, I sometimes feels more sorry for Mark with his Belinda wipes and you know what have you but I feel a bit sorry for Rob's in this time Can we just have a quick game of yes no before we move on because yeah, but did you say that a little bit quickly like that? Can we just have a good game of yes no? Can we just have a quick game of yes no? Yeah, of course we can upload always I'll do it

I'll do it like glad is pew from a hidey high if you like please don't Alright, yes, no here we go. Where's he golf? Yes Waterpull or no Paul pots knackers Of course, yes, yes, I'll be an idiot one out of three one out of three the knackers up a show I'm never gonna tell you you're not doing it. One out of three. One out of three. The knackers up a show. I'm never going to tell you. You're not going to tell me. So have we got anything else to cover, Andy?

I think we're pretty much covered now. Well, I got a Scottish song, you know, if you'd like me to do it. That'd be good. I know, you're not that keen on them, but it's a little Scottish song. You give it a go now and again, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Let's hope you can pull this one off. And you'll cut it out if it's, uh, if it's not to scratch. Yeah, definitely. Okay. This is the tale of Stuart McDermott,

a tall, wierry boy of little conversation, but plenty thought, thought, not lonely, but always on his own, not depressed, but reflective and gentle in his manner. Like most of the younger men on the island, he dreamt every day of leaving to start life on the mainland. There was only himself and three other males surviving on the mull, for in the previous nine months, thirteen men had died, thirteen men had died. When he imagined life on the mainland, he saw himself striding into Temptson's hillbar and demanding that his shoes be reshared on one of their complicated revolving machines, or whistling at the losses as they gathered around the ballads, preventing vehicles entering the housing estate. He even saw himself sat in

Costa Covey drinking hot chocolate and been handed the Wi-Fi code by the lassie with tuts to spare. Now for several years Stuart had been researching the theology of the small island and inquiring of the older generation about the infamous Helpot Hall. It was reputed to be the home of an unusual beast with whom a deal could be struck to escape the clutches of the God for Second Isle. His research had led him to a small as research had led him to a small inlets, confusingly absent from all maps and records, and fenced off with barred wire on which locals had hung various charms and warning births.

on which locals had hung various charms and warning births. But his desire to leave was strong. And so he tuddled under the barrier using the egg, using the exhaust pipe from a lambrather scooter. That had dropped out of a plane and landed on the moors, killing a man on impact. As he clambered down the he-need to the entrance of the help at all, he felt a fear and foreboding usually reserved for those who dared to stroke a bull's-bowls with a fistful of nettles. Entering the cave, he was immediately struck by the spits stench of boiled onions and sure enough, he quickly sort of figured bent over a large cooking pot, stirring onions in a rolling

boil of water. The figure was naked but covered in hair, a branch knack bent out his feet and the figure slowly turned its head to ard him. Stuart made to run, but his feet were now stuck by a stakey substance that was leaking from the base of the onion pot. The beast was now fully turned and Stuart whimpered as he saw that it had the face of Benny Hill. The face of Benny Hill, the face of Benny Hill, do you like boiled onions? Said the beast. I fucking do. In fact, I can't get enough of the wee sweet bastards. The beast plucked an onion out of the pot and held it unscoulded in his hand as he approached yw'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'n gweld i'r keycat ond yr complicatio'r machine, ond ar ysg mewn lannons yn sy'n gys.

Ae, mae'r rydw'r sy'n gwybod, mae'r cyfodd yn ymwchio'r uni'n cyhryd. A'r ysgwyr i'r pashydd yw helpad yn ond y syris o'r gymnas ydym mewn lann. series of jimbus to the mainland, but there is a price to be paid. I'll pay that price, etched it, and he grabbed the onion and buttoned through it, as he chewed the beast held up a gilded mirror for sture taguies upon. And what he saw brought about his instant demise, simply from the shock of it. He had the face of Louis Swavez, the face of Louis Swavez, the face of Louis Swavez. And that's the end of the tale, I should get it. So that's a me Scottish tale, Andy. You know you said song. Yeah. Yeah.

It wasn't really a song, was it? No, but I always imagine it like in me mind it's got one of those, is it harmonium or whatever be it like. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like always the fellow used to do it, Oscar. I have a cutler. I have a cutler. That's how I think of it. So I suppose, yeah, if you could, like, you put some of that on for me then I reckon you'd have a song on your hands. I might go out and get one, I might go down the tip and see if there's a one line around. Yeah there's usually seven or eight at the tip yeah. Yeah. Forming a barrier to stop the sun and fork.

I'll do that first thing tomorrow, right? Okay well look tomorrow Andy let's just say I'm off to middle school to see you's playing ball enough. Right. You're playing Arsenal. We've got Arsenal in the lunch, but they call the lunchtime kickoff. The lunchtime you're going to have a day at Kebab with that. So just for once, could we just wish our respective teams a very look for them or let's have a couple of northeast victories. Good luck, Sunderland.

And Middlesbrough, thank you. And Middlesbrough. And good luck to Sunderland and Middlesbrough for me as well. So I'll see you next week. Thanks very much, goodbye. Bye. you