Athletico Mince - Ep. 32 – The Alderman and the Apricot

Episode Date: November 4, 2016

Jezza and Bill do some colouring-in, there’s a Gangs of the EPL update and Bob gets a sexy visitor. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I am Bob, great to see you, how's your health, everything okay? Can I get you a cup of tea or maybe a nice cool bottle of water? What are the posh ones has got electrolytes in it. Oh, hung hung. Is that alright? That's what you wanted wasn't it? Yeah, I mean, is it an open end? Then don't you feel better for doing it? A little bit more upbeat.

It feels a bit weird to be honest. I think you should have introduced that attitude into your life. You know when you're wandering around Sunderland. Yeah. So a lot of people ask how they are. Do you want to do that in Sunderland? Why not? You get chinned.

Do you want to choice a name and I always offer you what you do? Okay, I've got a couple and I think I know the one you're going to choose. All right. First one, would you like to be called this week Jack the Slice? Maybe. Maybe you would. be called this week Jack the Slice? Maybe maybe you would what about this one mark. How do you do no no no no you didn't like that did you? Would you like to be Gary Ball? I always like to offer you just like a nice proletarian. It's Gary Ball. He's a lyrd operator. Yeah, you'll go down the chip before you Yeah, no he is the one

up right there. Yeah, you'll go down the chip before you. Yeah, no. Is the one. Oh, I just think you might have this. The one. No, come on then. The emerald blade. Maybe Jack the slice is better. Yeah, it's a two. I'm favouring Jack the slice. How'd you do Jack the slice? Thank you very much. I hurt you, Tom. How are you doing? This podcast is part hosted by Jack the slice. A a plump lad with the look and feel of a fat ball that one hangs in the garden for finches and magpies to pick up on. He harbours dreams tight-held in to escape the drudgery of his life in Sunderland, where he walks the dog Todd Strunpats and search of marked down produce that is local as the on his way home from yet another defeat

at the stadium of lies. Stated of lies? Yeah, that's a little introduction, so like this podcast is part hosted by Jack the Slice. Good good, I've got some questions for you Bob. Fire away. Alright, it is the first one, even though you've admitted to being useless at DIY, do you own any powertools? Yes, I've got a power drill.

Just letting case an actual adult comes down and needs to use it in an emergency. You know that's quite right, me, father-in-law occasionally use it to put a mirror up or repair them. Do you feel a muscular when that happens? No, I feel like I'm in the presence of a different type of person.

Different type of man. A man. You said person there originally, you're gonna see a man, right here. Yeah, all right, I'll say a man there. Because different type of man. The man. You said person there originally, you're gonna see a man, right? Yeah, all right, I'll say a man there. Because he is a man. An amaboi, is that what you wanted to say? Yeah, pretty much.

Oh, you're a very old boy. Excuse me, have you got any power to? Yeah. How many, what, tell me a little bit more? Sand there, what have you got? I've got a drill. You've got a drill. And you use it often.

Yeah. When your neck curtains fall down, you're drilling back up. I'm going to put a rack up for me spoons next to it. Spoon rack. Spoon rack above the cooker. That's your project for the way you do it. That's my next project, yeah.

It's nice above the cooker because then all the all the shite that floats off your fish fingers and your pork chops. It goes under your spoon. It goes under your spoon. What's your spoons before you want to use them? Or alternatively you can just use it as a, what are you might call a barrier and say that you know they've had barrier on them so they'll be perfectly hygiene. What I might do though, I might invest in some spoon socks.

Yeah. And put the spoon socks over the spoons. What about the problem that there is no such thing, how are you going to get around there? Well I could just fashion some, maybe for my parents' tighter,s or something. Yeah okay well if that's your project I will add genuinely well. Yes I think I will not one. Excuse me what? Excuse me your T-shirt. Yeah. Now it's certainly not startling brilliant white like Jules looks or anything like that. In fact it's so far away from that I'm asking is it a. I'm asking, is it a beige t-shirt? Or is it a white t-shirt?

It's a white t-shirt. What the fuck's happened to it then? I've just done it on a few times. You've been cooking in it, have you? Yeah. Cooking your kippers or something. Jesus Christ, that is turning to carry on. Okay, a second question. Do you ever sit on the floor at a home and if so, why? I sit on the floor for hours and hours and hours on end that is my standard Television watching position Is on the nose on the road like a boy as it was to a man. I suppose it is exactly like a boy Lie on the floor on your tummy in front of the fire. No, I don't tell you I don't do that I don't that's you like I'm the rug's your life. I'm on the rug.

I'm on the rug, but I'm on my knees, you know. Kick in your feet up in the air. No, I'm telling you, I've told you, I'm like, with my shins tucked under me thighs. And that's how I watch the tally. Lying on your tummy. Not lying on my tummy. Rest in your head, in your hands.

What are you trying to say, Andy? This is your boy. Okay. Who's your favourite nearby? Not from the TV show. I mean from your actual local area. I only have one neighbour. Oh of course because you're a million annually in all of these. Seven miles away. So I don't know. No, he's got a beard but you're not a hipster beard, he's six feet of a old school beard. He wears, he's posh enough that he gets aware with wearing stand brown slacks, and it doesn't, you know, you're doesn't wear that.

He's not asked. Couldn't give a shit. Are we all the spider? I don't wear that. He seems decent, and if he keeps his boundaries in order, why did you ask me that one? Does that prove him a boy? It's for a survey that I'm doing, I don't need to tell you why I'm doing it.

Okay. Do you want me to go on the gangs of the EPL? Because I've got to be honest with you, Andy. You want to position this one correctly because it's a bit long. Well, just go ahead at the way I know them. You sure? Yeah.

Oh, okay. And pick, I can just fast forward through it if they want to. Right. Gangs of the EPL. So I think I went to the river side, last set, I don't watch Brothers Victory against Bournemouth. And I thought I'd just would like to tell you a little bit about, because I go every other week,

about that time, you know, what I get up to. So I set off at half 30. You set off? Can I get that set off? At 830. In me fast, black soup, right? Obviously. I take one of those up drinks,

hot cups of tea, you know, and it's, you know, the other way, so I thick hot cups that keep your drinks hot. Those hot drinks are hot cups, yeah. Hot cups, do you call them? I don't know. And it's got super-carrot cup written on it. Right. I got the wife to do it.

Did it come with the car? No, no, I've got the wife to do it because I wanted it black and chrome. Yeah. You know, I wanted to feel like premierships. When did you turn into Chris Evans, Bob? Don't, don't, never say that. I mean, say fucking anything. And so I talk, so I've got me, so this is me going, I've got me super car hot drink. I have a pack of Cadbury's chocolate

fingers with me. I was taking them for the journey. But I just like on that point, I'd like to say, I think the chocolate on the Cadbury's fingers, the cheaper Cadbury's buttons, yeah, flair chocolate. Yeah. do you think so? It's not very much. I don't even know what I thought about it. Okay, so I'll... You don't eat these while you're driving, do you? Yeah, I do. A pack of crisps. I don't know, because that's an eagle. A pack of crisps, me ones with ill or saturated fat content.

And I'll listen to crime podcasts and journey Mitchell songs. Okay. What a nice life. And can I just fight another little detail that can't possibly be of any interest is you know on this podcast we've voiced like our concern about memory form. Yeah. Right. And the fact that it hates you up too much. Yeah. So well I got on you mattress recently. And what did was it's what I I I I cut out a square from the old form memory one right yeah and I've put that on me supercar front seat right so you can see it the window because you quite sure it's a it's a in it's a revelation right so what happens is the heat builds up in me asked during the journey, right? And when I get into the

riverside, the latent heat that's in stored in my earth, right, keeps me and the people immediately around me warm, right through till around about half time. That's good. I'm glad you incorporated that into the already overlong gangs of APL section. Well, on me, we're back, going to reverse, I stopped by whether we services. I got a service station. It is. It's very busy though.

Oh, it's busy. I get a hot chocolate and a Scotch egg and a time out bar, right? So all I've had in the day is me fingers, me criss, me Scotch egg, me hot chocolate, me time out bar. When I get home, I get home about half past 10. I always have me first piss of the day. Really? Really? Yeah. And it is also your last one of the days in your Chadwick. It's not my Chadwick. Because then I get on the beer. So I have me first piss of the day and it's the exact colour of the beef consomme that the serve at the Ritz in London. Yeah, right. And it smells like the very center of a

lukewarm little pork pie. So this is a savory spread, you know, I mean, that's a beautiful moment. That doesn't it? It is because well no, thank you because it's a mix of the north and the south and it just kind of reflects you know the whole day. You can't beat a pungent piss that doesn't actually discuss you, can you? Well you're wrong don't you? We're coming not going to piss, please. Can we not go into piss? I might put get that put on a badge or a t-shirt, can we not go into piss? Andy, now the gangs of the APLs there. Thank you. After the match I went to... What's that do this thing again?

Just in case, yeah, alright. Yeah, the gangs of the EPL! MUSIC Right, so players lounge afterwards. I'm going there, a family about, see if there's anything to nick or whatever. And I was going down the corridor, I saw a sign on just a really ordinary, like up furniture, and sort of door,

just written in what are those pens called that David Beckham uses to? Probably a Sharpie. A Sharpie, your rights is novels when I'm doneny. So I went inside, I don't know what the sign said, I don't know, remember I went inside, there's So, I went inside. I don't know what the sign said. I don't know, can I remember, I went inside. There's Biffy Cliro.

Yeah. On his own, drawn on his first with Vashalpe, and he looks at me and he just says, help. So I'll get out of there and I'll be, I don't want to go involved in that. I don't want to go involved. So I'm going past the toilet, so I hear a bit of a commotion.

I go inside, he, really quiet. You know, just peek me around. There's Eddie Howell, you know, the Bournemouth manager and Jack Wilshire. Right, deep in conversation. Now Eddie, Eddie's wearing a boiler suit because I don't know if you know, but he does boiler services and repairs on the side.

Yeah. Do you know? Yeah, I knew that, yeah. Because I got caught out because I wanted him, he only does gastin electric, not oil. It's quite hard to find an oil one these days, isn't it? Yeah, it is, especially the job, aren't I? His corgi register in jacks wearing a really shiny,

you know, that shiny, kind of African prince, amani suit, you know what I mean? So there's Eddie talking to Jack, he says, I'm very disappointed Jack. How does he talk Eddie? He's like, you don't move his taste, do you? He's most fearsome over all. I'm very disappointed Jack. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I'm very disappointed Jack. You've been smoking in here, I can smell it. Jack says, well, I haven't bought some promise

and I'm not even lying. Right, so he says, shirt up Jack. This is born with football club where a lovely little fairy-tale club will run our arts out and really tactically aware. You know the Gordon rules. One, ski jog at frowthounds a day, two, just called dark grey suit from M&S and three, no doing anything deaf like BMX BMX biking or Osprey and a dressing room, or finding about on a beach or smawking and he says, but to really seriously says, now I want you to answer my next three questions with absolute honesty, future here this lovely club depends on it he says so Jack do you like ski yogurt? I'm not boss I don't and I'm not even

lying I don't that's okay I'm a lovely manager of the lovely club so you can switch to more light oh yes thank you boss you want to get it I'm not even lying about that. Second question. It's not suit from Merckson Spencer's Jack. Ah boss no I'm sorry boss you know what you're I mean it's from broad and I'm not even now that didn't I know it's not from M&S. He says okay you've been lovely and honest. Let's see, why is a Jordy? Well, what's Cockney sound like? Come on, what? Yeah, Cockney.

You've been lovely and honest. That's better, yeah. Let's say we reach a compromise. You can buy a dark grey soap from either next directory or Devonums. Oh, thank you, Busson. You were not even going to regret that. I've got some nice tates suits at next and Wilch is not jolly. No he's not. Well that's all right. Finally finally and this is the big one as far as this lovely club is concerned. Have you been

smoking in here? Right? Well I forgot to to tell you, and it's quite important. Slightly ruins it, really. Is that the halftime and the tournament at the Riverside versus Bournemouth was James Arthur. Oh. Yeah, he came on and did the big go-go-load and back. And sing, did he? No, he didn't sing. He just did the draw and that and gave us an opinion on the tactics and what.

So I say it's anyway, as far as this lovely, this is the big one, as far as this lovely club is concerned, have you been smoking in here? Now Jack starts biting his lip, lip and like rubbing his tummy and making like a slo-grunt and a little bit of way up here is just on the front of a shiny suit. Boss, boss, boss, listen, at that moment the cubicle door bangs open and outcomes James Arthur wearing full peaky blinders gear, pulling suit, cloth cap etc. Of nail boots? Of nail boots, peaky blinders look and James says, alright Mr. Owl, how would you do?

I heard what you were saying like and I just wanted to say like that it was me who was fagging it near like this short block in the cheap suit whoever he is. He hadn't been smorg and like. Well thank you says Eddie. That's clear that up. At that moment,ightit or Karang, a comes into the box, right? And he says, ee- Arthur, I'm a fix factor,

and I work for the Peaky Gunners, Theo Walkuttsgang. You left Arsenal to get away from them stealing your dinner money and leaving Todd in your car. Well, you was one now. You must be great to be our spy at the lovely club Bournemouth, or I will tell you to lovely Eddie. And he says, I will have no choice, I will have no choice. I mean, I'm not even lying,

you give me no choice and the shake hands. All right. And Jack says, oh, was it going back at the Arsenal in London? He says, oh, not good. Like the two Spurs gangs, the White Arts and the Sherwoods, like, are having a meeting in Ari Kairns' mum's garage next week. There might be foreman in Alliance that that could shift the power in London like But we have got a spy working for us. That's an Eric Lamellar. But it's that little twat Lamellar He says I'm not saying out like you'll be healing from was in the meantime You keep my name and that Kalam Wilson for us Rumor is he spreading lies about Theo,

I'm the tiny Johnson. Well he has, as a knee, yeah, but that's not the point. It's about respect. And they walk out together and they're gone. So that's another chapter. Another chapter. In the gangs of EPL. Yeah.

And you know, this is a bit like an age by your box at this. Yeah. We just learn a little bit each week. Did you think Andy, that story, was a bit like an edge but your box at this, we just learn a little bit each week. Did you think Andy that story was a bit like Broadwalk Empire? I've not seen Broadwalk Empire. All right, well I was, let me tell you. So just to sum up, so what we've got,

an arsenal spy in the board would come. There's gonna be a big meeting next week, a summit. Yeah. Round Ari Kairns Mamzows, to see if the two Spurs gangs can jointly join forces together. That's going to swing the balance of power in London right towards the Spurs gang. And let's see how long you can drag it out for next week then. Yeah and 20 minutes to do that. Let's not let's not pretend to

be anything other than an entry by the fact that an ex-factor winner is getting himself involved in the English Premier League gang scene. Interesting. Very much so. So I've taken them a lot of your time. What would you like to... I'd like to move on to the new feature we discussed earlier, which we've been pitching on Twitter. It's called Footballers in the Wild. All right. That's where our listeners, with the spotter footballer, out there, out and about. Right, you'll tweet us and let us know. We've had three so far. We've had Mike from London says,

I had Seth Fabregas in the back of my taxi telling me that he's happy to stay at Chelsea because he gets loads of free sweets. Is this true? Is this completely true? Yeah, these are genuine sightings. Martin Keon was in HMV in Brighton trying to return a battered 29-year-old copy of Jackie

a body by Steve Silkerley claiming it was an unwanted gift. And that's Mike in Brighton. He was caught with that. And then Jeff, who's in Burnley, he says that he saw Kevin Kilban in the middle of Iran washing his face in a frying pan. That's awful Andy, why did you read that? It's up to you, isn to you. Jeff from Burnley. Yeah, I've got a ticker, but he's a word. I mean, it's nice. We run a ship here. I don't know what

you're going to say. No. And you're free to say anything you want. And I know that it's the I like her questions this week. Do you know who you really like them? I just really sweet this week. That's not quite telling. Do you know what I mean? I'm sure that you're right. Wipes questions one, hi Andy. I'm a civil.

This is about fly spray. When using fly spray, do you chase the fly about and try to hit it in the face or nose? Or do you just spray in places where you think it is going to go? No, I am, I kind of, yeah, the first one I go after it. I go in for the kill, the immediate kill, yeah. So do you think in your mind that you can turn and swoop quicker than a fly?

Yeah. You can, can you? Yeah. See, I've learnt over the years, I just spray it on the windows, near the windows. Because that's where they go. That's where they go. I'm saying the thought of that. How do you prepare? I'm always interested in this question. How do you prepare and cook your baked potatoes? I mean, baked potatoes, I do them in the oven. Good, yeah. Um, with a little bit of salt on them. What? In, um, and I rub some oil into the skin before I put them in the oven,

wrapped in, in tin foil, about an hour and a half. Right. Wow, fuck. I put them in the microwave for nine minutes. Is that what you do? Yeah. I knew it. And I even eat the skins.

I knew it, so your skins are just like sweaty. Yeah. And limiterary. Yeah. Yeah. The skins are like skinned. What was that bullshit about? What's rubbing salt and oil and fire?

And that then? Is that it? I was just trying to fit in. You know when your life started? You've seen someone do that. Do you know what? I've had some focaccia bread this week. What's that?

Tatali and bread. Avio. Yeah. Do you think of that? I thought you were looking a bit smoggy That post fuchishia glow. Is it fuchishia? Post fuchishia glow. Final question. How do you put dry your washing in the fungulore? Do you have a tumble dryer or do you just lay it all out on the lawn?

I've got radiators actually. At this time of the year you can't get anything dry outdoors. Right. Because it's not water. or do you just lay it all out on the lawn? I've got radios actually. Oh right. At this time of the year, you can't get anything dried out doors. Right. Because it's not warm enough and the air's too moist and cold. Yeah.

So it just all goes on the radios. Right, you're... I'm thinking about getting one of them zed-shaped rack things that you'd hang the stuff on and put in front of the radios. Yeah. There's a name for them but I forgot one. Washing. Somebody told us about this.

Claude sauce. I think. Claude sauce, I think so, yeah. There's a Claude sauce not the thing that extends upwards. Oh, pretty far from here. From the floor. But yeah, you're right. If you know what that thing's called, then I'm talking about

the Z-shaped thing that falls outwards. Just tweet us something or just talk about it. I think it's called a Z-er. Z-er. Is that dry? You know what it's said? A Z-er. Yeah. Thank you for your answers. Is that it? Yeah, that was quite painless for a change actually

So we got a car bin you want to tell us about well funnily enough I didn't have one but till I go off the train at Kings Cross this morning So it happened and I decided I was gonna go and get myself a bit sandwich. So I just nipped into a cuff Yeah, just next to Kings Cross Who should be sat there? Jeremy Corbin, sat there, played the barbecue spare ribs? Oh, in front of him. It's early, for the other one. Like 10 o'clock in the morning.

Oh, that's. And he's a vegetarian, apparently. Oh, right, yeah. And it wasn't the ribs, it was the ribs, it was just the bones. Right. They look like a dog would suck the meat off them or something. Right here. So I said all right there Jess, do you all bones there either?

No, Billy Bragg is gone for a shit. Oh he's with Billy again. Yeah he's with Billy again so a couple of a couple of seconds later Billy Bragg stomps out of the gents and This is yeah, you can't take it with you. Can you hey? No, I mean So to no body I know what you mean, yeah, it's what sort of yeah, because what he's done what he's done in that you can't take it with you He sits down he looks across it may yeah, oh, I think oh So that I'll rebuild and The got between the two then there's loads of sheets of paper and coloured pencils strewn all across the table so they're up for something they're working on something.

What's this then you plan on the 2020 election campaign? Corbyn says no it's our day off we're working on a side project today. We've launched a creative agency providing tender ethical solutions in a cruel and feeling world. I think a bit of a heart-wrapped slogan, yeah. Vision statement. So he's getting a bit agitated at the stage and he has a little toot on a bright red inhaler that he carries around with. Oh, what a verb thing you mean. No, you're an inhaler, like, you know.

Well, for asthma, right? For asthma, yeah. So he's got one of them. So anyway, verb thing you mean. No, you're in here, like, you know. Well, for asthma, right? For asthma, yeah. So he's got one of them. So anyway, I'll say same. So what you working on then? And Brexit's there. We're pitching for the John Lewis Christmas advert.

Big one. Big one, yeah, exactly. You know, start big. And our co-opens is there. Yes. As a Cuban style workers cooperative, John Lewis is exactly the kind of friendly capitalist organization we're aiming to break into. So, alright, what's your pitch then? Have you got a storyline for this

Christmas advert then? Yes, actually, yes we do. I will tell it to you now. And Bill says, can I do a bit of it, Jess? No, Bill, no, we've already been through this. You can operate the PowerPoint clicker if you can get your timing right beforehand. Yeah, all right, Jess, I'll keep practicing, Jess, I'll keep practicing. And Corbin says there. Okay, here we go. And he's speaking quietly because there's not anybody else in the car. There's a car, you know.

Because they're off the John Lewis later, aren't they pitch this? Here we go. It's the morning after a nuclear holocaust. A single mother emerges from her impromptu, homemade shelter, and ventures out into the street. Death and destruction is everywhere. She looks across at the town square, and to her amazement, the Christmas tree has remained intact. Suddenly a sleigh pulls into view. On it is dead morris, the Russian version of Father Christmas. I didn't know about that. I didn't know about that now. He approaches the mother and strokes her face before kissing her softly upon the lips. Billy breaks his,

we might do a CGI thing at this point where our eyes turn into cartoon hearts. Corpid says, I don't think the cartoon hearts are a good idea Bill. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, says, yeah, that's what I said, where Jizz came up with it. It's amazing, isn't it? This is what's, it's something, yeah. Corbin says, I think you'll find it's heartwarming and informative with the slightest of nods towards the vile capitalist fuck fest

that is the modern British Christmas. Mm, angry. You know the little puff on the inhaler then? Yeah. So I says, well, what's the soundtrack? Because the soundtrack's all really important. Oh, yeah. The drums are all sides, you know what I mean?

And Bill says, yeah, yeah, I'm singing that. It's the gentle, slow, damn version of part of the union, but it strobes. You want me to do it for ya? Well, go on then, he says, I got my guitar. a'r trwy'n ymdwch i'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy'r cyflwy' You don't get me I'm part of the union You don't get me I'm part of the union Tell the day I die Tell the day I die

Beautiful out of there Was that the end? That's the starting to win the song That song will be on that ver and then call it says Right, fuck off! We're going right at John Lewis's head office in half an hour and I know it finished coloring this bar chart. So I just made me excuses and left. I didn't have the heart to tell him

that John Lewis have already made this year's Christmas advert, you know. Do you know what? He could complete with the time. Yeah, well, but it's like, they'll gain from the experience of that, what are the start and the advertise and agents? Looks like it, yeah.

They'll gain from the experience of doing the pitch and everything. Because there was advertising agency, I wanted them to create a hub. I created a hub, yeah. Which you can cycle, too, yeah? Yeah. Well, do you know anything about, I saw a room whether it was a football best, John Lewis one. I've not heard anything about it because I don't give the slightest of fuchs. You have heard it's like you want some new football boots because he's used to

football because he has to wear these old ones. Right. He has to wear slippers. And then when he opens his present, it is just a new pair of slippers. Yeah. And I don't quite know what the point of that is. It's something like, you know, make sure you give people something they need. So anyway, what we'll see in the fullness of time when it turns out to be.

I'm assuming this is something you've just made up. No, honestly, that's what I've heard it is. Jesus. Can I just do a little bit of scouts before I'll carry on? I'll go on, yeah. Not too loud. Beep, walkie! Thank you.

Do you want to say, um, shit? Um, yeah. Shit! Shit! I have to say in the oldenmen for a good while now, right? Oh, it's been a few weeks, hasn't it? It's been a good few weeks. Obviously, it's fierce and it's body-shurping. That enters me mind every now and then.

Yeah, obviously. That night. And I occasionally go to the website of T-Side Evening Gazette to see if there's any new pictures of him doing his charity work or comparing in the icon behalf of Dorsi kids. Yeah. So I'm with the wife last Tuesday.

We're having one of our afternoon crime clubs watching the Do-Oh, yeah, afternoon. Oh, we shot the shutters in that. Are you semi-retired now? Yeah. Right, hence the afternoon crime problem. Afternoon crime problem. Watching a documentary about a bloke

who murdered his victim with door handles. But you would watch that, wouldn't you? Yeah. So as we saw that on the blurb, you know, can you imagine saying, documentary about a bloke who murdered his victims with door handles? Yeah.

I can't imagine him saying, no, I don't want to see that. Yeah. Well, you've got to watch that. Maybe we're watching it anyway. I can't imagine him saying, no, no, I don't want to see that. Yeah. Well, you've got to watch that. Maybe we're watching it anyway. I don't know why I laughed. Ha ha ha. Suddenly, there's a very, very robust.

I see if I've got, I can recreate it. A very robust knock on the door. Not, oh, you think police bear left. What, you know, that it was that sort of. I think Bill has. You know, that's what. left white, you know that it was that's nothing be a lot. Yeah, that's it had that sort of authority and It really gives us a bit of a shot me cat or sentence me me cats spewed up on me jack-a-mo cat log

soons here, you know, we really was so I answered the door and Oh, you know, it's the old man. He's got his charity mini bus parked on the drive. And boy, Andy, he looks smart. Did he? Honestly, you know, well, I don't know what it's like. Well, brown jacket. Yeah. Like milk chocolate color.

Silvery glace, gray slacks, like they're gently flared at the bottom. Yeah. I mean, I think I'll airline, airline flared. still really tight round this 1000 is ours, you know, really nice, you know, nice contour and red shoes. It's the look of a man from T side who's trying to impress us, isn't it? Yeah, trying to recruit for suppose you might say. So my heart obviously misses a beat. I'll swallow a bit and whatever.

You know why, doesn't it? Hello Robert, long time no see. Long time no kiss, I'm thinking. You know what I mean, I didn't say that. I didn't say that. Well, are you not going to invite me in? So yeah, of course, I'll be lovely to see you. We're just watching the program about Jake.

Let's see, you know, the door handle killer. Oh killer oh the door handle killer it's a very nice choice so we get into the front room wife's turned off the tele because she's a bit embarrassed about having it under in the day you know what I mean yeah and do the introductions and the wife says can I get you anything to eat oldham and he says yes Margaret, thank you. I've got a long journey back to Stockton, could I have a ham sandwich and a piece of fruit please? Of course, there's the wife and then he says hold on what fruit do you got? And she says oh I you have apricot, Margaret? She says, he, no, I don't. So I could go and get a pack from Waitrose and he says,

well, no, you stay here, Robert. I need a chat about daft kid stuff and I really do need an apricot. So Margaret, my wife says, oh, that's fine. I'll go and get them. And off she goes. Soon as she's gone, he says, listen wife says, oh that's fine, I'll go and get them. And off she goes. Soon as she's gone, he says, listen Robert, I have a long journey ahead.

So I said, could I have a quick shower? I said, oh yeah, of course you can, I understand. Yeah, so I showed him where it was, let him get on with it. A couple of minutes later from upstairs I hear, Robert? Robert, can you come and help me please? Quick Robert. So I go up and I knock on the bathroom door. Come in Robert! So in I go and he stood there naked in front of the window that like over looks the drive. Now

he's about 17 stone the older man. But his skin's still really taut, you know what I mean? It's really taut. It's a little bit red in a few patches because my My wife always has a shower thick and too hot, right? So that's not as fault it, you know like Now cuz he's in front of the it's because it's late afternoon He's in front of the the window like his shoulder hair is really like fluffed up and it's like silhouetted it is really like fluffed up and it's like silhouetted in the light coming from the window. It's that lovely patch of like a camomile lawn or something that you just want to bury your head in. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I'll pretend I do. I need a towel Robert but the one you provided fell out of the window.

So our brush past like is his body and I look out out the window and sure enough there's me towel Yeah, but guess who's holding it Guess who's holding the towel is at the town clock the game town clerk here and he's there with all his crawlies You know I mean the mob and yeah the vigorous things a bleach and parks and recreations and Freaking biffies there biffie clown.iffy climbing on his first as well. So they all start chanting, kiss the old man, kiss the old man, kiss the old man. I think, yeah, I really want to, I do want to. There's naked door.

Whatever, you know, it's better across. Well, that's so, I turned to him and he's already in position, staring at me with his mouth like wide open, why is it getting it, you know, so I got my mouth as wide as I can. What's one of them? Yeah, I slowly, slowly move towards him. And just as our lips are about to sort of couple, right? Claps onto it. Yeah, he stops me though, put on my shoulders. And his tongue starts darting round the mouth

like a little chuvon al snake. He's like, and then he gently puts my hand against the side of his thigh and then he clamps his lips onto mine. No, both our lips are quite wet. So, our lips are like slipping round each other, sort of searching for a grip. Then it pulls back, but it's over,

and it's over. Thank you Robert, that will be all. Biffy I think it was through the towel, up comes through the window and I, like, heartbeat really quickly, go back to the lounge, I think, wow, just a little bit more. That was superb. Anyway, he left straight away before the wife got back. So, well, I'm walking to say there you go, I got a kiss. Did he not get the upper cut? No, I got a kiss, and I got to have the upper cuts with the crime club, which was a bonus, because the wife won, yeah.

Win, win, win, win for you, isn't it? Yes, you won't use the upper cuts, and he also, upper cuts in crime, so. Yeah, he suspected nothing. I tell you, isn't it? Yes, you won't use your other podcasts in the house. So, other podcasts in crime. So, you suspect that nothing. I tell you, I really felt that electric though. I hope I did it justice. Hey, up, so, I'm sure you did. I'm not sure where it goes from here, but it can only get worse.

Ha, ha, ha. Can we just quickly go across the world with Correspondent, the Secret Socrates Superstar? Oh, yeah. Just now and again. It's been politics and football have been in the years this week What with the poppies and was very like a Mick controversial statements. Yeah, aren't really controversial. So The secret soccer superstars talked us about politics and People say that football and politics shouldn't mix but a lot of players that are played with were a lot more active in politics Mae'n gweithio'r fwy'n pwyllol yn pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymw i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymwyr i'r pwyllol ac yn ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymdwch i'r ymd I remember there was one time when I got particularly hairy, I'd rejected a plan and permission

application by this old man who wanted to build a summer house in his garden. I already had a similar kind of summer house for myself at the time, and I hardly ever used it, so I'd rejected his application to try and help save him a bit of money and effort. Anyway, at the next week's meeting, he came up with a flathead screwdriver so I punched his fucking lights out. That's one in the eye for people who say politics can't be exciting. Mmm, I know. Oh, we're a bit angry at the end.

Yeah. I mean, with that attitude, you know, I'm Violent I don't know with that attitude. I'm thinking I'm thinking we're talking a center after you. I know we're not making a serious. I know we'll never see it All right, I know who he is, but I'm sworn to secrecy. I'll never see you're willing to tell me whether he's defender or attack I'm not gonna see it. No I'll tell you is he definitely definitely used to be a top top professional football. No, I appreciate that Um, I think that's about all we've got time for this week, Bob. Have you enjoyed being called Jack the Slice?

It's added an edge to the proceedings that isn't often there. Okay, well, goodbye, Jack the Slice. See you next time. Goodbye, honky-tong. Thank you.