Athletico Mince - Ep. 34 - Enter The Borthwick

Episode Date: November 25, 2016

Supermarket dash chat, Lawro’s embarrassing ants, more EPL gang action and a tale of marital woe from a remote Scottish island. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Right, I've got a new catchphrase I want to try out. Erm, your dirty little bastard, Bob. What do you think of that? I've started. I've started, yeah. I've started the podcast. Yeah, everyone, it passed me again.

Your dirty little bastard, Bob. I quite like it, but I don't like the beat. The B word being used too much. So can you use it sparingly? You're dirty little bastard, Mortimer. All right, can we start this podcast thing? No, I don't like it, no. Right, I was just trying to help.

I want to reduce a different way of sort of starting this thing. Yeah. Well, you're not going to say then. No, I'm not this way. No, because I was going to ignore your side. I'll just say, I've got to, I've got to, I've got to, I've got to, I've got to, I've got to ignore in that side because I think sometimes it's the best to, I've got to, I've got a really strange noise coming from me washing machine at the moment. Right. And I, I'm sorry, have you brought it in with you? But then we washing machine. Yeah.

No, I brought me washing, not me washing machine yeah no I brought me washing not be washing machine Um no it's only boilers got to stretch noise, but I ignore them and life goes on Do you know I know you get the ignore the signs? Are you ignoring any problems in your life at the moment all of them Unopened letters. Did you do that? Oh god. Yeah, why open a letter? But you feel so good if you open them You don't, not when you're a rote inside. If you're dealing with rote inside, you can feel good. Yeah, but Andy, just one of those letters might contend like as a value customer of little.

Yeah. You can come around this Friday and do one of those supermarket rushes. Oh, much and not. They have the little logo on the outside though. It will be flushed up, wouldn't it? You'd know. Would you rather rather can I test you, test how much you would like supermarket rush by saying, would you prefer a thousand pounds cash or a half hour supermarket rush? Half hour! Half hour, yeah. Well I'll take the rush. He'll take the rush of a half hour.

That's a lot of rush and not a lot of energy to expend. Yeah, probably get. Well you could buy some tetal, you'll ask you don't it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we buy it, it'll be free, wouldn't it? Just gravitate straight at the tittle oil. That's the total trolley on a charm and just pile it all in, that's a lifetime supply there. I suppose that I was watching the jungle last night and Martin. Childish Martin. That fabulous Martin. He is his luxury item that he took into the jungle. Tilt oil. Well, not talcum powder.

Right. But I think you and I know what it is. Talcum powder. Who uses talcum powder in 2016? I think he puts it under his breasts to stop chaffing, chaffing. I know the oil, I'm right, or talcum up. Two thousand pounds are a supermarket dash. How long's the dash?

About half hour dash. 30 minutes again. Yeah. That's on the cusp that I know, that's difficult. It's on the cusp. You know what, I'd probably take the money, but I'd spend it all in little. Right. Have you seen the duck and pancakes?

Duck and pancakes. And the high-since was $2.99. and the high sense sauce, $2.99? I thought you would get a $2.99 bottle. That is amazing. How much duck though is the reason? You get a lot of duck. You get a lot of duck. You get the cucumber, the spring onions, have it. You do?

You kidding me, aren't you? This is at little. Yep. Shit, man. $2.99. It's lobster satadurday that tomorrow as well. You know we've got black Friday that there's some lobster saturday that they've been tweeting

about it earlier on. So what are you gonna get? I've lobster parna boule or something. Do you want to watch the lobster's ad bug? Right, you're gonna tell me then six pence or something. 29,99. Well, is it a lobster? Is it just a fat worm that they've cooked?

Do you know what I mean? They're advertising as a lobster. I don't think they'd bring it a lot. But you wouldn't question it it. Would you write so? It's time for you to choose a name, Andy, I think. I'm offering you carol management. She's a nice less private school big calves. Carol management. Right. Flute McDowell. Now I've got a little spring in me step because it's just fun. He's a fun name, right? Yeah. That's what Flute McDowell is all about. Fun, fun, fun, and a occasional bit of shoplifting. Yeah.

Flute McDowell. Flute McDowell is good. He's got the comic relief field. Exactly. Organized jolletting in the office. Desmond Rice. Now he's academic, toyed, well dressed, yeah. Divorce, he collects blood. A bit too close to home that one.

Okay. Is the one I imagine you're gonna go for comic book Andy. The Spiral Wire. Oh. He's got the ability to achieve extreme length and thinness and wrapping around, wrap himself around enemies. Oh. So, or you can be Ronny hot dog.

Physically, I'm not gonna struggle with the Spiral Wire. Oh no, you've at the steers. Don't worry about that. Could I transform myself? Could you do it? I'm going to go with float mctoke because it may just put a bit of pep in the practice. A bit of pep in the practice. It could be usual, depressive output.

Can I just check your credentials and do the memory month thing? Yeah, if I'm not that far quite well. Is it football memory? It's retail related. It's really what? 1880s retail. What? Alright do that for quite a while. Is it football memory? It's retail related. I'm sorry, what made it is retail? What? All right, I'll have a go at it in 1980s. Are you see perked up there, isn't it?

So I need to set myself up first, Andy. So yes, I know everything there is to know about 1980s retail. Well, we'll say about that, hit me. Here we go. Do you remember what was on pH 215 of the 1986 Christmas Argos catalog, page 215.

So, suck on your crack pipe there. Yes, you do, yes I do, I do. Woo! That was tough, wow, I do. That was tough. Wow. Fantastic stuff. Again, you remain undefeated in the arena of the memory month. Would you like to say a piss at this point, Bob? Yeah, of course I would.

Go on. Piss. Thank you very much. But at that beginning, I think we've used our quarter of road words, Andy. Oh, please. Do you know what I mean? Oh, right. Is it not to mean?

Hey, I'm going to use me. Do you know what mean Andy? Do you know to mean that you're a bastard? I'll stop it. Do you want to talk? Are you willing to talk about Christmas this week? No, no, yet. So, um, so what do you do for Christmas? I just said I wasn't going to talk about that. Well, I want to talk about, do you get crackers? Right. Do you get crackers? Right, do you get crackers? I got nuts, yeah. See, it's fruit with toad legs in gentlemen. Do you get crackers? Yeah, bonkers me fruit with toad. Do you just put a chicken dipper in a bog roll and wrap it in crepe paper? Do I have to answer this?

Yeah, I'd rather not. Okay, next question. I'll answer it in December. Well, me next Christmas question, right. I'm not going to ask you more because you're not going to cooperate, but do you put both bars of your electric fire on at Christmas, on say Christmas day, or only if you're cooking is made someone ill? I'll go two bars on box and there.

I'll go the second bar on box and there. Okay. Otherwise, no, the second bar on box and there. Okay. But otherwise, no, just one bar on the sheet there. I'm gonna look through there. There's nothing wrong with me, coconut. Isn't there? No.

Do you leave a chicken dipper and a glass of monster drink out for Santa? Yes. Yes. That keeps you happy. Yes. As you know, yes. As you know, Robson, he's been trying to make Rafa Binet as for a long time now, it just hasn't happened. He stopped singing, he stopped fishing for monster fish. In fact, Andy, he started not believing in monsters of any kind, right?

This is Rafa thing. Got the blues, hasn't he? Got a real obsession. So, after the luster barcle, when Mark let off a nail bomb in the old clets center, Robson had decided to ditch Mark as his way in to raffer and find another way. Now Mark doesn't know about this,

so he's just out in the garden last week, measuring the gaps between the planks on his fence, like to see that they haven't moved at all, or shrunk do a damp or whatever. Barbara comes out into the garden and she says Mark so I'll do Barbara's voice. Mark and he says what is it Barbara? Oh shit what is it Barbara? There's a message on your phone from Robson. Oh that's great, I've not heard for him for a while. Oh that's great, I've not heard for him for a while. Maybe he wants to meet up, says Barbara.

Oh I do hope so, I was a bit worried he was mad at me, he's my best friend I've ever had. Oh I do hope so, I was worried he was mad at me, but he's the best friend I've ever had. So he listens to the message, right? And it's from from Robson. Yeah, Robson, you're useless bastard, it's Robson here. I can't forgive you for what happened at that old let center when you're scared of Rafa bonitas with your can of nails. I don't want to see you no more. I reckon if I keep hanging out with you, I'll never meet Rafa

bonitas. Goodbye. want to see you know more I reckon if I keep hanging out with you I'll never meet Raffa beneath us goodbye. Whoa Mark's got a total lot of shock on his first like that time he put on ledding in his high under instead of diesel and Barbara says what is it love? It's Rob St. Grainy doesn't want to meet me friend anymore. It's Rob St. Grainy doesn't want to be my friend anymore. But I'm just looking but but but but but not. There must be some mistake. No he called me useless bastard. It's over. No he called me useless bastard. It's over. And he turns away and starts measuring the fence gaps again. Two millimeters. Two millimeters. Two millimeters. Two point five millimeters. Two point five millimeters. Oh heck, good job I checked. Oh heck, good job I checked.

Meanwhile, Robson has secured a meeting at Shine TV where Anten Deck, make their short break. He's pitching a show where he goes out with a hammer, yeah, and hunts for stuff in the woods, right? And the truth is he's onto me, and Dex, so they can get him in with Rafa Benetnis. Back in the garden, Marks took his trousers and underpants off, and hidden himself crouched behind the rabbit-up, right? He's sanding off some of the rough corners with his left hand, and with his right hand, he's massaging his ass and his anus. With a ballin de wip right? He's got a problem. You know those

black ants, you know the ones that are big and then the fly off. Yeah, then one. Suddenly his phone rings and it's Raffa. They's asked. The aunt. Not there, they're just crawling around on his bottom. But... And Raffa says, Hey Mark, my friend, I'm just in the area. Mind if I pop in full of visits. Right? Oh yes, that would be lovely, Raffa.

Mind if I invite a friend. Oh, that would be lovely, Raffa. Mind if I invite a friend. No, the tall, I'll be half an hour. I promise, no football talk. I promise Raffa, I'll dig out a word search and I'll ask Barbara to play her trumpet. I promise Raffa, I'll dig out a word search and I'll ask Barbara to play her trumpet.

Gratius says Raffa. So Mark gets straight on the phone to Robson, but he doesn't answer because back at shine TV, he's just seen Anten Deck walking in the office carrying the suitcase and spots him, comes walking over just as one of his secretary tells Robson. I've just had a message from Mark Lawrenceon, he says, Raffa is on his way around, come over quick. on his way around come over quick. Aya Robson says Aunt, but Robson has made his mind up. I'm sorry Anne, I've got a, I've got a, I've got a, I've got a, I've got a meat ruffer

beneath this. So back at Mark's ruffer in the security block and Mark has stood up listening to Barbara play, Munchado on a trumpet. Yeah. Mark sees Robson put the, yeah, Mark sees Robson put the aster up. Yeah, Mark sees Robson pull up and back into the minute. Back into, come on, come on Robson. Come on, come on Robson.

Robson stands there and he's beside himself. He says, oh Mr. Bonitas, you're my absolute fucking hero, man. I would really like to be your friend. Well, at this point, all these ants right now with the wings start pouring out of the Belinda White that Mark left on his sofa, right? Raffer thinks they're like miniature Isis drones and a security man does one of those moves where you jump and bounce off the wall, right? You know, then special moves and he toe ends robson right on his tits. one of those moves where you jump and bounce off the wall, right? Do you know how that moves? And he toe ends, robs and right on his tits.

And then he rushes out with Raffa. And once again, it's a disaster for robs and shit. Oh, I know what a total bastard disaster mess. I sometimes think I'll never get the meat Raffa. And Mark puts his arm around him and says, stop drawing on about it. stop drawing on about it. Stop drawing on about it. That's not the answer.

That's not the answer. Oh, fuck off your miserable, dosy prick. And he I puts it back to shine as quick as he can. He gets in there, I'll breath. Sorry, I just wondered if I, and Dequist. No, Rubson, you've missed them. They've just flared after their jungle. Oh, no, that's not the answer. No. That's Mark's joke. Yeah, yeah, I think we got that one. I did it originally. It's fun. It's fun. He was again for Rubson. Great. I'd like to know more about his hammer. Yeah, it's a joy. And the woods. Imagine the attacks as well as school,

deer and stuff, smacks him with his hammer. Wood crabs. Yeah, I mean, everywhere. I think it'll be throws his hammer at them. So what have you got for us? I thought at this point I could do a little yes-no game with you because I know you enjoy. Well, I never said I enjoy about going on. Should you engage in things accordingly? Yes or no? Here we go. Yes or no? But five cuts. Yes. Three dogs. No. Five dogs. No. Three cuts. Yes. Both of Kim Jong Un's knackers. I'm sorry Andy. I knew that would come in because it would be his Knackersack. Knackersack.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes or no? No. Right, okay, one out of five. Only one out of five. I reckon it was the three cats. I never know, will we?

Can we pop across to our correspondent, the secret soccer superstar? Love to. What's he on about? He's on a boat trying to get a transfer, putting in a transfer request. Okay, so let's see. There we go. It's not easy getting a transfer,

which is probably a good thing. But when I was a top, top player, you had the right at an essay, given all the reasons why you wanted to leave the club. And you had to have four good reasons. You couldn't just put, I don't like the strip of clean, or the goalkeeper stinks of fags, the door counts as good reasons.

Then, you had to do a drawing of yourself playing football, but with a sad expression on your face, and submit it to the chairman, and you had to draw draw yourself too. For a while players will get professional artists in to do their pictures for them, put the FIA club down on it and started making you do the drawing in front of your manager. All the time I put a transfer requested in the hurry and I did myself as a stickman hitting the wall. I got three months on loan at Bristol City as a punishment. Bastards. Oh, I'd now take a clue there though. Bristol City alone.

Well, that's one of the, yeah, there we go. It's a piece of the jigsaw and place, isn't it? Okay. On the left. Newcastle and a period alone. Newcastle. When did he say newcastle? I've made an assumption there.

I've just got that accent. I think it's an orthodox accent, isle? I've make an assumption there. I think it's an orthodox accent, is it? Yeah, it says no, I think it is. Yeah, the right somewhere. So, right, so, me. Well, me, like Mickey Hazard was born in Sunland, what never played for Sunland, played for Spurs and Chelsea, so that could be. That could be the yeah. All right, interesting. I'm just wondering. I'm wondering if it's Adam Johnson, you know, looking

at the world himself across. Right, I don't like their confirmed or deny who it is, but can I just confirm that it isn't Adam Johnson? No, Adam Johnson. Okay. It's not Adam Johnson. It's time for gangs of the EPL. L. Right, well I promise to tell you about Ari Keren getting sent from the England camp last week. All the players were staying at that Posh Hotel at St George's near Burton on Trent, where they get beer water from. You bring now, dear? To the Poshore tell St George's near Burton on Trent. Yeah, where get they get beer water from?

You've been there, are you? To the Poshore tell. Now, being Burton on Trent, that's an impressive answer, really. Yeah, we're much in the league cup. We won two, one on one nil or two nil, I can't remember. Oh, that's grossed.

Anyway, Harry, Harry canes, he's in a room next to her, get the wrong rooms now, you know, and that's not- Does he not share any more? No, that's a bad thing, I think. But of course, the White Arts gang are three down, two down, aren't they? Now, they're three down, of course, because Debbie didn't get in the squad. He's injured, and young Got-Vatongan are tooby. They're not there. But luckily,

for them, for their peace of mind, Theo Wollcott was the only Arsenal player there. So, I, to be honest with you, he wants to have it out, he wants to confront him whilst he's on his own. I mean, it's a bear, the shit out there, but I'm just, that's the way it is, you know what I mean. So, at dinner that night, the follow Theo into the toilets the bursting and the yours Just stood there staring at himself in the mirror Arey says if you stare that mirror much longer Theo well caught it will crack because you saw stupid looking like Yeah, so Theo Yeah, he says

Well, if it isn't mr. Cheney and his sad kick Eric a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r ysgwch, a'r from a peaky gooner, but there is only one of you so you are better watch out." So, you're going to chin me to death. Harry says, right, that is very upsetting thing to say, alluding to my mischief and chin. It's not my fault and my mum says it makes my fears interesting. Eric says, other do you be spreading the rumors that I have an undecised Johnson, that is very unfair and not necessarily accurate. You need to check your facts." The other one says, I've heard it's like a toffee hammer handle when it's on the bonk, but at least that's better than chiny, the matchstick man. that's at least that's better than Cheney the match stick man. Ari says, but that did I've had enough of your gutter talk do it Eric. So Eric gets a

teaspoon when he's talk of the table out of his pocket and he throws it it's Theo and it's Theo and the arm. Harry says, Ha ha not the cocky now and you don't have your mates to help you. Do you give in?" Theo says. No, I don't. I didn't even hurt that much. It just sort of glanced off and then Theo puts his hand in the sink and scoops up some water right and throws it at him. Take that white heart. That is unclean water. I've washed my hands and I bet that's not very nice. How he said, no, it's not very nice at all. They're a bit distressing. Let's get him, Eric, and they start to move towards Theo, right? So just at that moment, a cubicle opens and

outcomes Jack Wilcher in his peaky goners gear. He stubs out a cigarette on the floor. And he says, if you want to fight Theo, then you have to get past me for a second. I am not even joking. I swear, don't even think about it, I'm a little power pack. Because you'll remember, he had his deal with James Arthur, that he had to work for the Pekis, even noise at Bournemouth. Do you remember that? And of course Jackson, the squad. Stay out of this Jack, your ass is far too bulky for fighting and I am very surprised that you smoking when you know the damage

you can cause to your body. Jack says, I wasn't even smoking a swear, someone left in there was just putting it out. Well, I'm not fighting both of you, our gripes with WorldCot, we will just have to wait till you have gone to your room to phone your mum or something like that. This point, another cubicle opens and that comes where it's ruining. Right? Word says, I like lads, I wouldn't go to the scouts. I wouldn't go in there if I was you. I just spilled up a poor bottle of dissonano and a pack of pork pies from the wedding do. I think it's time you went to bed where you're setting a rotten

example to the younger players which you very upsetting. So where leaves, as he's leaving he pops his head around the door he says, hey what's he like? The boss is coming. So Eric hearing that he just sits on the floor and starts rocking, right? Theo starts pretending to wash his face. Jack just takes his trousers down and starts starts squeezing a big spot on his fat ass and Harry runs into a cubicle so Gallif comes in here Hey Walter what's going on in your land? Jack absolutely nothing boss and I absolutely swear I haven't even seen a notice to anything in the last 24 hours. I promise boss and I am not even lying Suddenly Garith here's the sound of someone's spewing up in the queue cubicle Who's spewing up on an international duty says Garith come out of there with your hands up

That's the correct procedure. Yeah, it's what he he means. It comes out we hands up, out comes Harry. Little Mr. Southgate is not what you'll think. We're the only use the toilet just before me and he spew that with all the pork pies and then put a layer of quick toad on top. I couldn't stop myself spewing, which is something I'm very rarely doing that it says upset me very much.

Gareth says, I can smell smoke in here as well. I'm Dissarana. I didn't expect this of you Harry and trying to blame Wade Rooney, who's a model professional. I want you out of this squad immediately. I'll have a car ready for you in 10 minutes. Turns to Theo. Hey Theo, you can have his place against Span and it's nice to see you keeping your first clean

Facial hygiene is very important to me Right, Garith leaves Theo and Jack laugh their heads off and Eric's just left there rocking on the floor And that is the end of the that's the story of why you say Well, that's the end of the the explanation of why I was sent home Did you think that story was a little bit like Woody Allen's film midnight in Paris? I'm not really. No, I'm not at all. Not at all. No, it didn't have a lot of Paris Paris like Skyrim in it. Oh, the unclean water unclean water. Some of that in Paris in the scene. I think that's some sort of letters for me. More of a connection, you mentioned that, so can I change me onto the ES?

Yes, I think it'd be a lot like midnight Paris. Yeah, I don't think that there would be quite so much of a focus on unclean water if players still share their room, what do you think? Yeah, and perhaps not as many illnesses as well, if you've got more use to battery stuff. Yeah, I think you should probably think about, about right now, the F here about that. I mean, football now, it's all about child management in it.

Basically, yeah. It's up to me on the space, I have a freaking crush in it. Yeah. Probably the next, we've got the more caring managers now with the clubs and that. Yeah. You know, probably the next lot won't come from interpreters like Marino and stuff. It'll come from this the educational behead masters I can imagine yeah that the pretty next England manages probably gonna be like

Supernani yeah someone who's turned around the worst academy school in Britain yeah I'll get I'll get the job for documentary sort of thing Footballers in the wild have had a few more of those in from people at the far off the field. Tommy Yen-Eisel with says I saw Neil Warner, behind the decks at an Essex warehouse party, spinning grooves on his pseudonym DJ Evil Horse. Neil Warner? Neil Warner? Nice.

Fat deal from London says I saw Bakari Sackle redeeming a balloon voucher as given her in by his team mates for his birthday. Nice. Doesn't see where that was though, so I think they might have made that up. And Shaila and Wolverhampton says, I just saw Saddle, Barahino, wandering around Birmingham City centre wearing a muscle vest and shouting big boy coming through out of a microphone. What's happening to the brain? No, it's just doing that as these are all going to be. So, what's the best shouting stuff? Yeah.

So, yeah, if you've got any more sightings of footballers in the wild, you're not getting touched with us and we'll ignore them and then mix them up ourselves. I just wanted to explain why I was slightly late this morning, because I kept you waiting before I got here, because I came down I was slightly late this morning because I kept you waiting before I got here because I came down from Sunderland this morning. I just assume it was because of your slow waddle, you're in a lot of time. Well, I usually factor that in. I got up that last three.

Waddle factor. Yeah. But I came down on the early train and I got off at Kings Cross. Right. Waddle the cross to Sin Pancras because the toilets are free in there, but they're not free in King's Cross So I went in for a Borthwick Oh, what's a Borthwick? No, it's familiar with the Borthwick. It's like the opposite of the Chadwick. It's the first First piece of the deer the Borthwick. Yeah, so it was quite early. I was the only one in there and

Guess who was mop in the floor? Aladayth now I'll give you a clue. Well, it's voice went. Soon you. That is Jeremy Corbyn. Jeremy Corbyn, Jeremy Corbyn. Jeremy Corbyn, Jeremy Corbyn, Jeremy Corbyn.

I was hoping you'd understand a bit of volunteer work. I saw a thought. Right. Soon you. On the CCTV in here. Numerous times. No questions. What are you doing?

What are you doing here? Mopping the floor. I'm undercover. Shut your face, laddie. I'll say, you buy yourself then. Where's Billy Bragg? He's gone for a shit. This is a bit weird, because last time I encountered them,

there were setting up some kind of creative agency. I mean, Billy Bragg. It's the world where they go for the John Lewis account. So, I don't know what they're doing in the bogs, that's in Pancras. So Billy Brug kicks the bog door up and comes out and he says, I'll give it 10 minutes of, oh, are you, Jess? It's what I like to call an ideological shift. Right.

So Corbin says, tell him why we're here Bill, telling him, Brux's there. We're doing the campaign for a new DIY DNA kit. You take a swab from your used underpants and it links you up on the database with possible family matches. It sounds a bit implausible there. I don't know why that's got anything that they were bringing in the toilets. Family finding, so. Family finding like DNA, like, you know, who do you think you are?

No, that's sort of like family tree shit. So you could take a swab off an old swab out of the bag and see if you were linked to it. Just take a swab from your pants once you've worn them and then you send it off to the company and they do a DNA search against their database and see if they've got anybody else with the same underpanned DNA, and they're gonna match it up

with long lost family members. So that's what they're doing, Corbin says, what do you think's the best idea for that then, Ladi? Go on for promo purposes, what's your best one? I says what, what, what, what? It goes five, four, three, two, one, one and a half, zero, what's your best one? As, whoa, whoa, I got it, you've gone from two to one

and then back to one and a half. That doesn't work, that's no good. She's like, you fucker, I'll do it again. Five, four, three, two, one, what's your best one? That's just it, who do you think you are? That's me, Liam, right? I'd be for the quick. I'd be awful like a catchphrase for it or something like that.

Is you Tory bastard? Billy Brog says, yeah, we could take him out on the boat, Joe, let's take him out on the boat. Corvus says, don't talk about the fucking boat, Bill. Don't mention the fucking boat. So I don't know what that's about. He's on the edge, really? Maybe he's the run like a pleasure cruiser. Come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come's about. It's on the edge, maybe they run like a pleasure cruise company or something.

Maybe. They just some more like that. So I just made me excuses and left at that point. So that company that they're talking about, they're doing anything, they're gonna do some promo, Pioshto. Right, it's a terrible idea. Yeah, I don't know. You know what, I've made it up.

I've been emailing them. I made the whole thing up, been emailing them. They think it's a real thing. Fucking isn't. Also, you put the idea of, I've put the idea in there in box, because I know they're not getting any work for this creative agency. They're doing. So you're on the pivot in the pool.

So the last laughs on me this time. It's like, that's like, it's like post factual world. Post truth, post, post truth world that we're in. Before we end them, we we do Scotch some. Just asking a quick question. Who reaches up for stuff in your house? Is you off? You're quite short. Well, I'll be perfectly onto you, Andy. I've got a backlog of cereal in my highest cupboard, and I lay them on the side, go in upwards. I really like shredded wheat and art crunchies. The art crunchies are at the top and I had to ask me why I have to reach them for those days.

Right. What would you do if she was aware or out? I was just not interested. Which celebrity would you ring up and get the come round and reach up for something for you? I've got to ask you, oh no, what do is, is I would just get someone around to... You wouldn't starve, would you? No, I would, well I could take a lower cereal, like a weta bickshaw, the wife gets got some like, you know, nutty ones and alpany ones, I don't really. I would get a little power pack round, like a wheelchair, or a sprungy car, but or whatever. A car was dead, is he?

Yeah. Really calm instead. I think we mentioned it in an earlier podcast. Oh sorry. Well he just feels like he's still with us. Well that's what we're going to do here in Pyramid or something. No just to get a call from a chair for me. And when the top that little fella from Star Wars.

He walked. Andy, I'm sorry. I'm doing an Andy Dawson because I'm going to send out. I wouldn't get anyone round I'd move a chair over and use it to help me reach up There's a doctor said you could do that Yeah, I could do that Risky, Risky

All right, fair enough Alton, that's about it. Have you got a Scottish song for us to end in presents? Well, you know, I've always got a Scottish song What do you do? You do I think this one now this one I thought I'd change it a bit this week and make it about a lassie instead of a fella. Because there's a whole different set of rules on the island for the lassas. So it's about time we found out about them.

Definitely. This is the tale of Mary McDougal. Mary was the youngest daughter of Thomas McDougal, a farmer held in high regard on the island, as its sole producer of turnips and sugarbeats. Mary had inherited from her father, and asked as wide as a sheep as long, but had plenty tet upstairs to compensate for any imbalance. Her skin was radden when well-tampered, due to a weekly soak in a tub of turnip water, heated to lukewarm

but no further. It was the week of our 18th birthday, the date on which she must become the bride of the island lared. Her duty to serve him both in toil and passion, her fate to never leave the lared scassel and bed in sweet turnip water again. It was Mary's duty to forego her freedom or suffer the pain of forced labour in the caves beneath the island. All other losses had forbearer the same fate, but Mary was no ordinary lass. Mary dreamed of escaping to the mainland, the bustling artisan coffee shops, with bearded proprietors. Housing estates with no-through roads where a traveller's only option was to make a 3.0 turn if sucked into its grip. Wifey hotspots available for free on the registration of a few simple details.

She saw herself rushing to the 24-hour coffee shop in Stran-Rah to obtain a large photocopy of her favorite dog to hang on the wall of her new accommodation. When asked what size she required the laddy would blush as a request for a big one. Though it would be clear from his awkward stance that he was possessed of a long and stout personal pipe. There was only one plan that could see her dreams fulfilled and that was to murder the lard. But the lard was guarded 24 hours a day by Pitmeer, a beast, part wolf hound, part pig and part generic animal, but worst of all reputed to have the face of Olymers. The face of Olymers, the face of Olymers.

But a nust respect Mary had immunity, for she, unlike most of her race, had no fear of moors. In fact, she was rather warm to the idea of taking the weight of his knacker back. Her plan was simple. On the night of their patrol, she would hide a dagger in her girdle and plunge it into his heart as he clumbered upon her. If need be, she could dispose of the beast Petmere by the same design. The knight arrived on the layered clumbered around her endless behind to position himself aside her. She could hear the rhythmic breath of Petmeier beneath the bed, and she knew

that she must be swift and certain in her attack. The layered spoke. Emaboteur is up and clumber upon you. Should you refuse or impart any negative signs towards the act, you will be fed to the beast. Do you understand? I, a dew whispered Mary. The lyrd made a sudden move towards her girdle, and Mary found herself frozen as his hand chanced upon the dagger. He lifted it to the light and pronounced her fate. This one is for you, Petmere, show her no mercy. Mary turned her head to address her fate, and what she saw killed her from shock in unenstant. The beast did no have the face of Oli Merz. No, it was far more dastardly. It had the face of Honey G the face of honey G The face of honey G

So there you go that's another band for the so the girls on the island they have to on the 18th Birth they obviously have to marry the lad and live in his castle. Yeah, but they dream died Everyone's dying on that island up to now, yeah, up to now, but I've heard rumors of an escape. I also, because they haven't had a lot of things. Okay, then I knew, well, you'll need to waddle off into London. Yeah, well, me trains not for another three and a half hours, but it's gonna take me that long, but that's how I can drag me fat cartress through the streets. Yeah, I'm to go back to my home. I've got three boxes of peanut brittle, American peanut brittle, to get through. I've got a nice selection

of cheeses which I'm not allowed to eat, but I'm going to compensate by having a piece of cheese and then a statin, then another piece of cheese and then a statin and then another piece of cheese and a statin and so on. So life is it? Well, I hope that you enjoy your time whilst I'm on tour. Yeah, well, you know, we might meet up with some point. Maybe. Well, you're on the road or we might hear from you. Yeah. If people are interested that you know, there's still a few tickets not

going about in some time. That doesn't surprise me. No, I wouldn't surprise you, I think. The, especially down Southwest, sports, playmen, Cornwall, I think there's a couple of tickets left at Blackpool, but if anyone fancies going, it's worth a look. Hey, would say that, wouldn't you?

No, I know, it's worth a look to see if it can get tickets. Oh, right, you know. And then forget about it. Yeah, then say, oh, did you know there was tickets available? And that was the most... I did have a fancy going with myself because, you know there was tickets available and that was my fancy girl myself because You know and that was in 16 you I bet you look all the time sitting have a little smog smile on your face I didn't sold that out then yeah, I'm so that out then well, I've bought lots of them

You say yeah, and you're just not just not turning up So the rules of it you say to the front at each of the shores. Yeah, well, it suits me I might turn up myself and just sit right front and center and just sit with me arms forward and go right fuck her and impress me then come on. No you just shout pardon! Pardon! Pardon! Yeah so I'll see you there. See you.