Athletico Mince - Ep. 35 - Christmas Mince... Part One

Episode Date: December 23, 2016

The first half of our Christmas offering, with Lawro & Robson, Gangs of the EPL, observational comedy, the Secret Soccer Superstar and a Scottish song. Part two... soon... Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh there you go with your side, Andy. Nothing particularly festive about that. Couldn't you have added a whole whole whole, some like that, or some mad Jamaican guy. I haven't finished yet. I do apologise. Oh. That would do. It would have been a whole whole there, get it. You like that?

Yeah, I did like it. Yeah, it's Christmas. You're, I would suggest that instinctively, you want to be anti-Christmas. You would think that wouldn't you? Because you've got many type castes, some kind of morose, sort of, or bass, you know, barely alive, northerner. Oh, no, you're very much alive.

Very much. Yeah, I reckon so let's give you a... I like Christmas Bob. I like it a lot. Well, shall we enjoy this special Christmas podcast together then? Let's enjoy this Christmas episode of Athletic Omens. I'm going to give you first off the chance to choose Christmas name. All right. Choose from Ken Cracker.

He is nice, isn't it? Yes. Zach Rendier, I thought like a YouTube star. I feel a bit old for that one. Okay, nice though. A little bit sexy. Brandy Butter. Oh, yeah, you like a bit old for that one. Okay, nice though. A little bit sexy. Brandy Butter. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Yeah, you like a bit. Could be a man, could be a woman. Could be gender fluid. Could be. Oh, Mr. Chestnuts. You see what I've done, Chestnuts. Yeah, me tits. Yeah.

Oh, of course, you can be Ronnie Othdog. There's nothing, there's nothing I can't trust him'm about can I be Brandy Butter Brandy Butter. It's the new me for 2017 happy Christmas Brandy Butter and happy Christmas to you Honkki Tonkwa, where have you been? I've been to to have you. Hi. See I had a conversation with my daughter about it She said the ass here to her. Yeah, She says it's Tor. Tor. Tor. What are you sending it to suit to us? I don't know what's going on. She just goes to an ordinary school. What does she say for school? What does she say for bath? Um, she has showers. No, you get it. She's not a bath bath. She says book. They're not boke. So I think you wouldn't let her say bath bath would you? Bath. I wouldn't accept that. no. No, it's a standard of the straight.

If you want to say bath, if you want to say bath, just go outside. Yeah. That's similar to that, you know. Yeah, you have to stay outside for the rest of the week. I've done a little Christmas carol for you, Andy. Are you going to give us it now? Yeah. A little town of Sunderland.

How busy your little is With lots of pale skin blocs with tits in your car park having a piss That's a nice little sundry and did you see the video that I put on Twitter the night of mate up the little We have a good time. I was up the little and it was about quarter past nine Yeah in the evening. Yeah, I was the only one in their Bob really five days before Christmas I thought it'd be pop the little soda I went up for some of their cheap knock off beer leaves yeah 399 did you get haven't tried it yet all let's do I've got the 399 bottle and the 699 bottle and I might do a taste test

on the next two different brands. Well, they're both a little, they're both, you know, whatever, it's made up name, but they're not barely, but one's extra special and one's standard. Well, I'll do a little taste test. And you deserve the extra special. Well, I'm keeping the extra special at the 399s for me brother. Oh, right. I thought you were going to say kids.

I'll get some more. Will you be having like a Christmas plat, a platist out there? Now this is what I think of like you for you for Christmas, right? For first thoughts was you get way for thin turkey slice, is yeah? 10 carrots, anti-betties roast spuds,

10 of value parsnips, boil them all up in the same pan. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm just, is that something you would do? No, make a Christmas suit. No. All right. No. Would you get a three before five bird roast?

Five. You'll get a five. A bird within a bird within a bird within a bird. Is that right? Within a bird. So I've never had one. So the wasp, right? Is the smallest bird in Britain, yeah.

Yeah. So for that. For Sparrow. So does it go? Wasp Spuggy, parrot, pigeon, duck for Sparrow, so does it go wasp spuggy parrot pigeon duck? Is that what it was? Yeah, do you know what the doughs like I saw on a woman who swallowed her fly, isn't it? But they'd reverse. Oh, and I spit in the G though, you know,

main, just as the final trait. Yeah, just sprinkle bg on top. Hey, we've got so much to do. Hey, the whole not yet. For Christmas, my wishlist and a, oh, I'll just get some Kendall mint cake. Yep. I'm hoping for a halting jacket, a white one with Pearson's brass and oil on the back. Someone will have to get that bespoke. And a poster of Suzanahoff in, or adjacent to a rabbit, which that's what I'm looking for. In the rabbit, you can imagine that.

Yeah, or something. It would be in the mesh with a fierce, just sort of long enough to be freed. Cool. I wasn't thinking that, the, I am. He is what I'm getting, I'm getting you.

So you can just choose which one you want. I'll get you a five pack value pepper armies yeah five yeah right some sprayer tan for your kids a sports bra and defy it either what you shouldn't choose of them three. I'll do only one thing I want right, a tipped accessory kit. So you're going to include a sports bride and that but it's got, it comes with a thermometer. Right. It comes with a balm for soothing. It comes with a frost shield for the winter. You know, like you put on your windscreen in your car. Yeah. And all of that and some pens as well. What are the pens for? Just writing your name on them. Right. So that's what I want. So it's a tit-meant and a tit accessory kit, yeah.

I think that's a little tack. Tack. That would be like a abbreviation. You call it that I want. And so do you get anything? There was nothing in there that suggested to me. You ever washed them. There wasn't a cleanser or a...

There's a bomb. Well, what the fuck's a bomb? It's moisturizing, isn't it? No, I don't think a bomb's a moisturizer. Bam's like fiery jack or something to heat you up if you... Well, what the fuck is a balm? It's moisturizing, isn't it? No, I don't think a balm to moisturise, eh? Bams like fiery jack or something to heat you up, if you... Well, this, the balm cools them down in the summer and then the frost shield keeps them...

Alright, so you've got a heat and the wind... You've got a cooling and a heating balm. Yeah. But nothing in your maintenance regime has to do with cleansing or cleaning, you say. I just washed them just over the sink. Like, to flammel. That's every day, that's every day stuff.

That's not like, you know, that's not special, like the accessory kit. Can I, can I ask you a question? Yeah. Have you ever listened to music on your headphones when you've been on the bog? I haven't gotten the headphones. Sorry.

They don't own headphones. If it's helpful to you, you probably, I think you're gonna have a go at me. If it's helpful for you, been on the bog. I am got the headphones. Sorry. They don't want headphones. If it's helpful to you, you probably, I think you're gonna have a go at me. If it's helpful for you, I'll say yes, but I haven't. Right. That's all, no, no, no, no, reason's just for a survey, I'm doing that, all. What's the survey?

That's none of your business. Can we establish your credentials as the memory man? Yeah. It's best of stiley. Is it football? It's, it's popular culture. All right, we'll give it a go. What from when?

80s. 80s. All right, I'll give it a go. Right, here we go. Listen carefully. Memory man, do you remember what was on BBC 2 at 8 p.m. on Boxing Day 1983? 83. I think 8 p.m. 8 p.m. BBC 2. Yes I do. Very much. Now I don't think I can accept that.

Are we going to tell me BBC 2 didn't exist then? No, no, of course I did. I don't think you heard the question properly. I said 1983 and I think the answer you gave me there was 1984. I have another thing, 1983, BBC. Why are you all about? I've done my job, I'm doing my job. Fucking twat. I've done my job, Andy. No, I'm done my job. Fucking twat. Man, we're in the air. Well, something incredible happened to me, Andy. You have helped me with it.

I had a feeling it, not a worry. Because I was visited by the ghost of Christmas future. You never were. I was. And this is what he showed me, is to do with Matt Lawrence and the Rob's in green. That's why he made me help. Okay. what he showed me It's to do with Matt Lawrence and the Rob's and Green. Yeah, so he washed me up I was just staring into me fridge looking for some cheese or a bit of tongue

The summit or apricot to You are made a washed away and It was Christmas Eve he took me to a mark and his wife Barbara We're at hot Matt Lawrence and his wife Barbara were at Hart-Martleinson and his wife Barbara at home eating gluten-free mince pies in front of the fire. And watching the caravan show on TV, they do a special Christmas one. And Mark says, you're worth doing, I didn't realise that the Swift Challenge year, Twin Birth was available with a Twin Axel Barbara.

Jesus. I didn't realise that the Swift Challenger twin birth was available with a twin axel Barbara. Jesus. I didn't realise that the Swift Challenger two birth. Two birth was available with a twin axel Barbara. You're going to step up to the plate around you. I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared for this. I didn't know I was going to be doing this. Barbara, no you didn't, Mark, did you? You know, it's still not too late to invite Ropson Green round for Christmas. Mark says, no, I haven't seen him for a month since he called me a bastard. No, I haven't seen him for a month

since he called me a bastard. So it's up to him to make a man. So it's up to him to make a man's thanks for doing that in two parts there. Are you sure, Mark? I know how fond you are, Robin. Mark, yes, I'm sure sure. Yes I'm sure. Oh look an Idus Agrippo with chrome bumper detail.

Is that maybe? Yeah, oh look an Idus Agrippo with chrome bumper detail. Come on Andy, get some purse in it. Then I'm transported, woosh to the front room of Raffa Benitez' house, yeah. All his 12 kids are in bed and he's dancing around the front room, brandy in one end, singing pull up to the bumper. Do you know that song? I do. Grace Jones in it. It's like a traditional aristocrats room. Do you know what it's like half hunting, half a library. Do you know all that vibe, and... Is he just like a German? No, no, yeah, that's a way.

That's a way, would be. And massive open log fire, that vibe, you know, deer heads mounted on the wall, big oil portraits of military types, swords crossed on the wall around the court of arms, animal skinned rugs on the floor. That's the vibe, yeah. Pull up, do the bumper, sings like a German then.

Pull up, do it the bumper, seems like a German then. Pull up, do it the bumper! Anyway, suddenly he stopped singing pull up to the bumper, Texas claws off, yeah? Pop's a new Cassie and I in football sock over his dongle and sits in an 18 chair, in an easy chair, eating peanut brittle, yeah? Then I see a window at the first there and through it and it's rubs and grain. And under his breath he's singing a carol. Rafa beneath his last looked at me

at the Uttlets and the most beautiful sight I ever saw and one I'd like to enter. Right? So that's a bit sad. That's how he was singing it. Then I'm wooshed back to Mark's house. Emman Barber in bed. She's wide awake and he's on his side sobbing. Barber says,

What's the matter love? Mark says, I miss Rob's and so much. He was the only friend I ever had. I miss Rob's and so much. He was the only friend I ever had. That's nice. Barbara's in the phone. Barbara says, here, give him a ring, I've dialed a number. Mark puts the phone to us, here, it rings and rings, but goes through a voicemail. Mark says, no reply, love, maybe he's gone to bed. No reply, love, maybe he's gone to bed. No reply, love. Maybe he's gone to bed.

I'll try him tomorrow, night night. I'll try him tomorrow. Then I'm whooshed back to Raffa's, yeah? Yeah. Just outside the window where Robson was stood. And the window is open. And on the floor in the snow is Robson's phone. And it's ringing. And the call is named says Laura. Yeah? I look through the window into the room

and they're laying dead on the floor in Robson. Raphus to the above him holding one of his swords with blood on the blade in his hand. He coughs and the sock falls off his doggle and under Robson's face, yeah? Yn gweithio'r ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgw I can't at the end of it, but you say the point. What the moral layer is is, if you're sitting on a grudge or a sulcus on it, if it's a friend or family, you know, you never know what's going to happen if Mark had invited Rob Sons to stay at his for Christmas, he'd still be alive. And the other sort of lesson what you want from it, I don't fuck with Rafa Badea.

Well, you say, he was a brittle. It cut ya. Well he wouldn't, it's someone flew through the window, freaking Jordy flew through your window and you're eating peanut brittle. I'm not, I'm not condone on what Rubsan did. Andy did you think that story was a little bit like Hormelon?

What kind of thing do you only want to experience once a year? Oh, alright, I just wondered if you thought I thought I had a little bit of hormone on about it. Mmm, okay. So, Andy, could I just ask, is there a Christmas tree in the centre of Sunderland? I do the just plant a lampus, green, and hang some clothes auses from it. Yes, there's a Christmas tree. Oh, thank you.

There is the Christmas tree. I was out for a drink in Sunland City, sent the last Christmas in the Duncow pub, which is next to the Empire Theater. Right. But if I had a detail, it didn't make it. Oh, would you think you are a painter, used enough, meant to be theatrical?

I was in there one night with Andrew, Martin, and Deck. Were you? Yeah, a long time ago, before they were properly famous when they were still on. You were with them, are you, were near? I was near them. All right, it's quite different. And there was some dwarfs in as well.

Well, it's all very. And those lads can put the drink away, I tell you that. But anyway, that's not relevant. So I came out of the pub and there's this, there's this yellow, like industrial unit thing, you know, one of these fucking metal box things. Oh, I skipped. Well, how about a discreet?

Container, container. All right. There's someone sitting in it. Yeah, you know the window on the front. Yeah, I fell asleep in it And I didn't know what he was doing so made me brother went nasty and what he was doing And he said I'm not a little tell you right? Says go on me. What are you doing? What are you so therefore? Just sitting looking in the thin air? I can't tell you got a talus and he pointed across to the church across the road from the entire theater and There was this Christmas tree in the thin air, I can't tell you, I got a talus, and he pointed across to the church, across the river nearby theatre, and there was this Christmas tree in the church grounds with some white sort of fucking lights on it, he says, I'm watching that. So he was being peered, the sit all night long, right, security guard, this shitty tree in the church grows. Not necessarily, you know, maybe it was a nice tree.

But then, and then he started, he rang his boss, and he said, I'm starting to find you asking questions. I don't know what to do. What if you got your kids for Christmas, junior air friars, Brexit hats, little server club cards? What if you got them? You shouldn't say so, because you shouldn't give it away.

Yeah, very aggressive towards in the lifestyle with it. Have you been saving all this up? Well you've been on tour. I've been on tour. Tour. So do you want to do a story? I've got, I think it's time we went across to Vince Parsnips House. The observational comedian because we've got a special Christmas episode of the sitcom. Set there. So um, do you want the fame, Spinson, Marin if you can remember what it is, yeah? Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, then shall we have a Christmas like we used to have back in the 1980s? Do you remember that Christmas is back man hey hey am I right? I am I'm right! Vince Vince we need to talk about Christmas and money there's no money for presents no money for the Christmas dinner

nothing or can't even afford any Brazil nuts. No, no, listen, do you remember Christmas in the 19-Earth? He's, listen, your advent calendars, they didn't have any of those bits of chocolate or candles or perf, you know what they've got now. You didn't even get a picture behind the little dolls. You just opened the door, a small jet and noxious gas would squirt out at you. And yeah, shut your eyes and try to know about your remainder. Vince, Vince, we've got nothing. You haven't had a paid gig since February.

Those improv nights you do down at the food bank of Kepples in Tin Potatoes, but we can't go on like this. Do you remember on Marian? Do you? Those days Christmas is when you couldn't get a cabbage patch doll because you were too long over to get down the shops. So you bought two ordinary dolls, saw the arse of one one of them and glued it over the face of the other one and it stuck a pair of googly eyes on it.

Yes Vince, I remember, I still remember. Hey, I wonder what time the boys will get out of bed, 4am, 5am, maybe we'll get a lion for a change. Vince, the boys have gone, they're in the late 20s, they don't speak to you anymore because you're trying to get them to black up and become part of your act. Do you remember Vince? Do you? Hey? Hey? Look Ralph, it'll be fine. I've got an order, she didn't know you, yeah? What up, man? For a new quiz show, Paul Daniels is doing, it's called Wife Out, so it's fantastic, doesn't it? Paul Daniels is dead Vince.

Paul Daniels died in March. Yeah, I don't think so, love. I don't think so. I was talking to him the other day. He just dragged his rain. He was just about to get his wig upgraded for the new show. Vince, I think we need to call a crisis team. This is starting to feel like mine head all over again.

Don't say the M word, Murray. Don't say the M word at Christmas. Look, let's just keep it simple this year Vince just the two of us well sharing it in a potatoes line on the floor the utility room till the bailiffs have gone yes Vince just that just us hey stop the clock any Stop the clock, Annie! D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- Jesus, I've got some some where. What have you got first question from the wife? I and the what have you got Bob for Christmas? I had some pens for them but I've left them on the trade some felt tips some proper like upscale ones. Nice ones yeah wouldn't dry out. I'm a really good ones. Okay, I'll get them to the party and get them through somehow. Second question, what's your Christmas message for the listeners?

Really, just to try and keep going, just keep doing it. Telling you're telling listeners to keep going. These are the listeners, yeah, just keep going. Please, keep on keeping on. Keep on keeping on because it's all we've got. Okay, final question from the wife. Do you hang anything from your knockers on Christmas Eve? A couple of pine corns.

On some wire. And then I'll know you would list that. I'd just swing back towards and forwards against each other. Rhythmically. Worst present I ever got, I was 14 years old, probably probably one of the Skeletrics, the beauty of something like that.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I got a blackhead dream over. It's a little sauna thing that you put hot water in the bottle. Like a facial sparthing. Yeah. And then they would loosen your blackheads. So I'm sat on my bed, loosening my blackheads,

looking out the window. And in the arty opposite, there were kids on the new chopper bikes. Yeah. Did I ever tell you that? That's quite telling, actually. That says a lot about you and the money you've become and the bitterness that you've been learning. Tells you a lot about my lovely complexion.

Really far from the surface. Yeah. Well, hmm. Did I ever tell you? Actually, do I ever tell you, um, how I messed up with not knowing that Santa wasn't real? Yeah. I won't. I'll be great. What? You know, I was young. So I believe we've got young listeners, you know, well under sevens. Well, all right, well, I'll put a little warning in. If you've got a, well I'll put a little warning in, if you've got a child under. I'll put this out with the version I put out for them that hasn't got the swearing in, right?

Carry on, go on. I won't tell the stories, that easy. No, just tell it. You can keep the stuff. Can you set the bug now? So I still believed in Santa, right? Yeah. And I was first up on the morning, yeah?

Yeah. went downstairs next to me brother's stocking was a little drum kit yeah next to my stocking I can't remember what I don't know when I'm looking for panels or what I don't know so I thought well no one's going to know so I thought so I swat him because I did did take away anybody. He's so excited and done the business. Yeah, I did that. I can't read. And then the following year, you were given a black headroom over as a punishment.

Well, and I've had worth punishment gift, the worst gift of all. Hey, hey, hey, I thought I wouldn't mind. Hey, hey, Christmas observer. Or have you got some? Hey, hey, have you ever noticed? Right? No, come on, Andy, have you noticed? Right? You opened your presence on Christmas Day. And nobody had, nobody ever thinks of getting your brass and oil.

So the shop's a shot and you spend the whole day squeaking like a fucking Christmas mall. I noticed that. Of you. I am whatever. Hey, hey, hey, you remember back in the 1980s you used to get velcro darts for Christmas and they would pick up all the nylon off your carpet and you couldn't pick it off because of your useless freaking brass and I remember that I remember that I remember that I remember that I have you ever noticed the on Nigella's Christmas shows she never stuffs a banana shallot or parasse with a brass and does she she don't know does she she doesn't oh I've got boot got both. That's a boof in Ijella. You want gangs of the APL?

When do I not want gangs of the APL? Okay, in John. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We've got to do the introductory music, please. Gangs of the EPL! Right, so I managed to get VIP tickets for top number versus Burnley. Yeah. And was it last Saturday the one before? I can't remember your bitch.

I think it was a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago? Yeah. Well, I've been on tour, but that was the last match I went to. You called us a bitch like that. So after the match, I was in the players lounge, right? And I was sat on the White Hearts table, right? But it was with Debbie.

Have you aligned yourself with them then? They tolerate me. Right. Sorry, I was next to their table, but my back was to Ari, but I shouldn't have said I was on their terrible. Other sides, Eric Lamella, you know, the American sat on the terrible on his own, or whatever. So there were only in extra pudding, right? Because the thought, the pastor had very foreign flair for them, you know what I know, I wanted to get rid of the test So first one of his are he says

That starter was awful says Harry. It should have been shot at birth And they all laugh right that's Eric and Debbie laugh the reds off And he said listen white hearts Debbie and Eric say we are the white, feel the ferocious heat. No, it says Harry. You don't say the motto at the beginning of a statement. You say it at the end to show your approval and club unity. Honestly, out many times. Now, I don't know about you, but I think the Burnley players were very rude, bunch, and some of their tackling and uncandry marks on the field were very, very upsetting. I agree, boss, says Debbie.

Harry says, well, chant the motto then, so Eric and Debbie, we add the white hearts, feel the furorchish heat. Then Debbie chips in. At one point, they sent a forward, Andrew Greer, claimed a throwing when it had clearly gone out of play after hitting his leg last. I said to the referee that Andrew was telling lies, and the referee had the audacity to tell me off, and that upset me a lot.

Then Eric says, throughout the game I was continually getting upset. Debbie butts back in. Excuse me, I might have to take it you don't agree with my point because you haven't done the motto. Fuck as I hurry and Eric. Sorry Debbie, we are the white hearts failed of the Russian hate. Eric. As I was saying, throughout the game, I was continually getting upset with their player, Jeff Hendrick. He has a very round face, which I don't think is very sportsman like, and when there was a free kick, he took ages to retreat to full ten yards, it was frustrating as well as upsetting. Harry says, right, well, thank you, Ball. o'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r I'n gwybod, mae'n gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwy and we ambush them. We can give them a piece of our mind and suggest that they are dressed there bad behaviour in future Premier League fixtures. They agree, right by doing the chant. I'm not doing it anymore, then Harry says to Lamella on the next table.

Hey Lamella, you little creep. We know you were listening. So go and tell Toby and Vanzvatongan our plan and tell them we might need to back up in the toilets as we're going to give Andrew Graham Hendrick to write dressing down that they won't forget for a very long time indeed. So I get a quick and rush to toilets, you know, I get ahead of the game, right? I had an acubical. The white arts come in, Debbie starts filling the sink and saying, I'm going to prepare some not quite clean water to throw at them if things like get unpleasant. And Harry says, I'm going to put my thumb in my throat, the pocket,

and adopt like a cowboy style stance. I think that will prove quite threatening to them. Then, in comes Andrea Greer, Jeff Hendrick. Jeff, all that spurs lads. What's going on here? Greer, start to won it. Eric says, No, it was not very nice. It had a very difficult test. We had to have loads of pudding to get rid of the test.

Debbie, we had the white arts, feel the throsha singing. Yeah, but I... Andre, a great says, oh, so it yourselves cowboys. I thought it was dishless. Oh, look, Jeff, they've got the same floor tiles that you have in your walk in. Dress are very nice, I must say, and I do say so. Harry's straight in. Shut up, we are very upset and have a bond to pick with you.

Andre. Oh, bond, is it Malakide? Debbie. What the fuck? Debbie, you were both very rude on the pitch today and if Jesus was watching he'd probably be in a bad tempo with you If you don't apologize, and I've got a very unsupported and pleasant surprise that will make you terribly upset Jeff Hendrix says oh yeah, what's a surprise? You're going to throw in clean water at us It don't bother us. We got now a button clean water at Burnley

because Gaffer uses water tankers a piss pot. Oh, shut up, mumfess, says Ari. At this point, the toilet door opens in Stradshorn, Daesh. All right, Lads, Eregulamality, Yankee, telltale, Tilt. Told me you'd be in here, you too get out. But we need a wee boss, there's a water tag round the back, you know what I say. So Andre and Jeff leave. Harry, we're not scared of you Mr. Dice, even if you do have the voice of a monster from

a forest. But they're asking it on the ice, Malibu in the box, yeah. Then Debbie says, Hey, what's that on your face? You've been sucking Tomat to soup straight out of your bowl. The white arts laugh. We are the white arts feel the food or she's hate. Sean says,

No, I've not been eating soup. That's my disc beard. There once was a football manager had a brilliant idea to grow a circular beard, that's all. Other teams would fear, I've got a disc beard, a disc beard. Then he did one of those moves right anyway, you jump at the wall, take a few steps along the wall and then flip back off and he's scissors kicked the three of them onto the deck yet in. They're all on the ground Debbie started crying obviously.

He's on gun, gun to tell Mr Pothin Teen or your big bully. Sean starts having a piss in the sink and he says to Debbie, hey watch your hands and that son of a maddo you some good? And then Sean leaves. Ari bends down to Debbie, he says, don't be upset Debbie, he's much older than us, so it wasn't a fair fight. We're going to have to get revenge on that creepy snitch, limalador. And then they all do the chant, but there's not much spirit to it. are the white house field of throes should hate broken yeah so did you think that story was a bit like dog day after no in the movie I think it was a bit long it was a bit long one it yeah sorry sorry it's not a problem there's too many voices in it and I

can't really do them I think I'll just see them well I'm trying I'm trying to make Erics a bit slower. Right. I'm trying to make Debbie's bit higher. Right. But I don't do it. It's hard to do when you're doing them all at once isn't it? That's a part. Maybe with some actors in us for me for that next time.

Yeah. Well, we're talking about football. Should we go across to the sacred Socrates-Operstance? He's talking about football. Should we go across to the secret soccer store and see what he's talking about Christmas. Yeah, you got a Christmas though. It's about, yeah, I think it's about what players do at Christmas time. Yeah. Okay. One of the traditions at this time of year is the players to go and visit some pulley kids in the local hospital. It's wonderful to say the fiercers of them sick kids like up when their football

and heroes turn up armed with presence and goodwill and free pocketed cats and that. What does a dark side to it as well? I can exclusively reveal there's one top, top player who's got himself in big trouble in the hospital visit scene last year. His team had been out for their Christmas party the night before and he was still drunk when they turned up with Osprey the next morning. He was out the control. He nicked a lot of butters of anti-bacterial gel out of a cupboard and he got caught staring at a nurse for too long. His manager's furious when he found out and made him return more to the antibacterial gel. Anywhere this year

he's told the player he can't do the hospital visit scene or even play any matches over Christmas so the pretendin' he's got an injury and the manager sent him to work at an Amazon fulfilment centre for a fortnight. Parkley loves it though and he's sleeping there in a nest made out of unsolved copies of Oli Merz's new album. So in the next couple of weeks if you hear about a top, top player being ruled out for the rest of the season you'll know what him and his gone walk in the Amazon fulfilment center. Yeah, keep an eye on the news to see who gets rolled out for the rest of the season.

Had his head turned? Is he by retail? Does this play a look like Luca Mondritch? Does he look? Yeah, just generally. Is he slight slim? Does he look? Yeah, just generally is he is he's slight slim? He's no no no okay, well, I'm just I know you don't want to sell right? Right, but I'm gonna keep this short right it's nearly 2017 you need to start making smart decisions. Yeah You agree with that. Would you like it? I'm all like yeah, no already after picking up over 100,000 members cornerstone and now so confident that once men, you're a man, yeah?

Yeah. Once men try their razor and shaving products, they won't go back to their old razor. Now you look like you need a shave, so listen on. You can get an award winning razor from just four quid with 10 pound off. Just visit cornerstone.co.uk slash mince. That's not a slash for the razor.

That's a slash. You know, on the internet. Or visit cornerstone.co.uk and then code mince. Check out to get started. You're never need to run out of blades again. You're never need to shop for races again. You get a smooth, comfortable, six blade shave. Okay. Cut out the middle of the man's saving time and money. What you reckon? Well, I don't know why you're telling me it, but thank you for the information. Okay. Cut out the middle of the man's saving time and money. What you reckon? Well, I don't know why you're telling me it, but thank you for the information. Okay, fine. I'm just saying.

I know, I'm not knocking it. It's just something that came into my head. I thought I'd mention it. You want to ask me something about an invention. I've got some more investment ideas that I'd like to run by. And you want me to invest it? Well, you've got a lot of money. You're a millionaire.

You're a bit daft. So I figured we'd be sort of up for kind of lashing some of it out in my direction. Hey, Andy, if it's a good idea, I'll invest. Here we go. Edible maps. All right. Trying to imagine that before I ask any questions. Edible maps. Try and imagine that before you ask any questions, edible maps. I'm not

going to invest in the power of you. Have on. All right, you've got more information. Yeah, think about the map, right? A map's massive, isn't it? Yeah. So you're going to fell walk on a swing in the leeks, the maps massive, but you don't use the whole thing, do you? You just use the bit that you're going to be walking about on, right? So you go fell walking and then you get a bit peckish, each part of the map, the map, the bit of the map where you're not planning to go. So what has it been made of? Like Marzipan or something? Well, I'm fucking Marzipan. You know, I'm going to print on Marzipan, are you?

But I do like what about I, like a really hard potato? How are you making a map out of a much potato? Well, will you tell me what's going to be between it? Well, good Marsy Panorjus said. No, I will not invest in a Marsy Panorjus map. Right, okay. I would have invested in an edible map. It is another idea.

Like Twitter, right? But just for many, we're going to work with 4 a.m. with an itchy ass. So they can like log on and sort of swap tips and stuff. So it's a chat room for it, yes, people. Kind of, yeah. Yeah, I know, thanks. No, okay.

Pop potatoes. Pop potatoes. Right, yeah. It's 10 potatoes, but with pop lyrics on the side of the tin, I've managed to sign up bands like, aha, the QR, spooky tooth and imagination. What would you mean? Sign them up.

The pledge, the sort of their lyrics to go on the side of Oh, they haven't you right? No, but I like the idea. Yeah. I do like, could you come back to me with that one? Okay. With, you know, you know, it's a bit take the illegality out of it. I don't see where the illegality is, but using people's lyrics or the permission to put on slap on the side of the terms of the terms. It's 2017 when people are getting all sorts off the internet. Now, we'll come a call it half out of three. I mean, like I said, I would have invested in an edible map if you come up with, I don't know, maybe even rice perper with these days everyone likes to have a chili on it, don't it?

So a chili flare of a rice perper. Right. Because I also thought you- If you warm as well while you're at fellow walking, would you? Yeah, and what you failed to mention is, is say you got lost. Yeah. There's some rations there immediately, isn't it? Well, yeah, I didn't mention that.

I thought it was obvious. Yeah, come back to me when you know what you're going to make it out of. Right, right. Well, look, this is enough for part one of a bumper special. Yeah, I think so. It's a huge, the people far too much. But I do want to finish with me Christmas with this. Oh, I thought you were going to do that.

So it's a Scottish song and there we go. It was Christmas Eve on the island and young Calum Bride was full of wonder and hope for the following day would be the biggest day of his young life. His parents on the other hand were in a spirit of trepidation and fear. For you see the lard had chosen their boy to be the centerpiece of his entertainment at his Christmas feast. And for that reason alone, they had decided to affect their sons' escape to the mainland, that very eve. If they failed, then their precious son would be fetched at dawn by the lard's henchmen

and taken to await his fate in the castle. Young columns' mind was racing. He had often dreamed of life on the mainland, the wonder of the Timpsons heel bar where that's revolving machine and its intricate leather working tools. Not to mention it's sweet smelling powerful glues that could work their magic on even the most absorbent of materials. He saw himself wearing a tight blue suit, two sizes too small for him, as was the fashion on the mainland, and striding into Costa coffee to demand their latest guest-been cappuccino, the waitress would be fullsome of tet, and would seat him at a table where he could admire

her curvature at leisure. Many times he had imagined himself dining at the latest pop-up restaurant, a fusion of Turkish and Rastafarian peasant food served on plasterboard with drill bits as cutlery. Occasionally he dared to imagine himself out on a date at Frankie and Beniz with the wetshers from the coffee shop. At the bus stop following that burger meal she would turn to him and say, would you agree young laddie that I have plenty to spare? I, he would reply, there is many a helping there with leftovers for the purer of the parish. She would laugh and allow him a brief tap on the side of her bounty.

She would laugh and allow him a brief tap on the side of her bounty. Fast forward to midnight, Calamann's parents cower on the beach as a small craft with a single lamp approaches. Get in, lad, we must make great hastes as the man in the boot. And he does get in on his his parents weep as they say goodbye knowing that the lard would gullotine them for this offense. Three hours later, Calum stepped off the boat onto the shore. "'See that light there,' said the boatman. "'That's my daughter.

Go to her and she will provide you safe harbor. One away ago.' Calum approached the light and could never leave what he saw, Nithet's glow. It was the girl from the coffee shop, exactly as he had imagined her. He smiled an anxious smile as she put down her lamp and began to unbutton her blouse. When fully undone, Kalim was faced with a sight that killed him instantly. For her tits were not of the expected nature. They had embedded into the defences of Andy Gray and Richard Keys. The Faces of Grey and Keys. The Faces of grey and keys.

Back on the shoreline the boatman pulled back his hood and let out a cracker of a laugh. It was the lard, Merry Christmas, Colin. He whispered, and both he and the waitress disappeared in a puff of black smoke. The next day Colin's parents received the news that their son had passed away on an island beach. The next day a column's parents received the news that their son had passed away on an island beach for you see he had never left and now he never would. Do you think the story was a bit like the opening scene in Serving Private Rhyland? Yeah, you did. You did?

The Rific, yeah. Okay. Part two, next time. We'll do part two, next, next, next, next a few days. Can I remind me to ask you again about the annuity? Yeah, we'll do the part 2 now, but I don't want people after listening to this for any longer. I don't want to do it now, but I'll just remind me

to remind you of parts. Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas everyone. Thank you.