Athletico Mince - Ep. 38 - Zlatan Versus Roody Toody

Episode Date: February 3, 2017

Fake news, a shoulder injury origin story, some robot war, and the end of the road for a much-loved character... Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's fall, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no. You can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon. Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No. But turtles the dessert?

Yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See What's up, Leo? Well, a little cheeky, grumbling like... I don't know. I'm nervous.

All right, well, because... We have a dumb one of these for so long, I'm fine. Oh, my. I've forgotten what we have to do. That's been a long time, I mean... So I've just got a bit excited there at the start. Should I start again? Yeah, what you do is you do like a big sigh,

write a comment on it. Can you not do that? I can't do it, say. Oh, fuck. Because I was going to say it sounded like another burst in, you know, like, cows are not bursting. I'll start again then. All right.

Yeah. There you go. Fuck. I'm so excited. That was more of a grunt, wasn't it? Huh. Huh. Huh. I might have really used to do that, nice.

To, to me, Mum used to say, like, eat your toast or whatever and eat, go, Huh. Huh. And if you did, it's so much, she sent the bed, so I had to eat the toast. What, a toast time was, this morning toast. No, we don't, we didn't have official toast time.

Why do I say that? It's toast time, boys, because there was four boys. Right. And no, we didn't. Anyway, nice to say you, it's been since Christmas, New Year, that kind of a period since I've seen you. It's now February. Yeah. And I know she didn't bother going on a diet. You know, I'm just saying a lot of people do. Do you not think I've lost some wit? I, you've lost a tiny bit. I've lost 1.3 grams.

1.3 grams. And I did that for charity. I did the dry as a whole thing. And was that all tits wet? Mostly, yeah. Yeah. I did a month without the booze. You know, if you go on any diet,

whatsoever, cabbage diet, fucking Brazil, not diet, whatever, you should be able to lose five kilograms in the first week because it's just water. Right. But you've lost 1.3 grams. I've had a fuckload of chocolate though. In the last month. So that might have cross-addicted or whatever.

Kind of. Yeah. I know. Well, we're doing personal attacks if you've got any more you'd like to do before we carry on. No, I just, so you've not been drinking booze for how long? 31 days. 31 days. So I suppose that meant there's more booze for your kids yeah in the house yeah well can I just ask genuine yes what is it like not having booze?

it's horrible is it really horrible I didn't feel any better I've got a lot of headaches really bad dreams really night sweats you're not telling me you don't not night sweats all the time a couple of nocturnal emissions I don't I'm not going to inquire about that path that is really good and I lost 1.3 grams so but you're going to go back on the booze I'm back on it now yeah yeah you're back on the power line back on it midnight first February you had a power like steered up until what five or six in the morning. Do you have a drink anything else blocked out? But like tin and lag. I drink wine as well Bob. Do you drink wine? I drink wine, yeah from the offie. I hate wine.

Why do you hate wine? I'm as tempted to say I hate people drinking bad don't at all, but there's a lot of it about that's a lot of people here. I know I shouldn't you know I don't want to be a head through it. But you know in the present environment I don't want to be one of these hurtful types. No, there's too much of that now. There's a lot of it going about for Brexit. No, I don't want to hear your opinions on Brexit. He's my opinion on Brexit. No one wants to hear it. Where's the Letters has gone? Where's the broccoli gone? The Russian and vegetables in the soup markets. No, I think that's not Brexit in full effect. I don't know what is. Well, I think what you're doing there

is giving that fake, what they call fake news. You have no idea whatsoever whether there's a shortage of letters to you. Well, yes, in the news, it's gotta be true. Yeah, well, it's fake news, isn't it? I was all news fear, now. Well, I had a shoulder operation operation right. Okay. Is that fake news? No hold on. It had to be done by a vet. Yeah actually no it had to be done by a vet

because there wasn't enough doctors available or money. Is that a hospital? No. Caught you out it's fake news. See what I mean. Have you really had a shoulder operation? Yeah. Why? What's wrong with your shoulder? Well shall I do you know what I think I'll do one day I think I'll tell you the story of it Night in song or anything Don't worry. I thought you were gonna look yeah, I've been in hospital. I've had like like camera surgery where they put three probes and you know Is it camera surgery? Keyhole surgery the call it in all probes keyhole surgery done by Lloyd Grossman. Ha ha You know, I mean?

Did you get that link? Because he did through the keyhole. Yeah, but he doesn't do it. No, Keith Lemmon doesn't know. Yeah, all right. I've never said materials up to there. I've saw a bean in hospital. I did me shoulder in when I was doing an advert for Bia in South Africa. Safe Africa when I was doing an advert and what they did. what are you? Do you know the film Zulu? Yeah, well we went to where the film the film Zulu and we built that encampment you know where they heroically held out. You created Zulu for a beer advert? Yeah and our dressers like Michael Carey. Did you build it yourself? Was that how you did your shoulder? No, please I would just put you in the environment we're in the

I just hit the desert in South Africa it's not desert plans the plans we're in the middle of nowhere in South Africa yeah now what happened was was the as a warden that comes with you when he go in the plans I say aetherfican fella right and he's there to protect you from snakes right to be like snake aware and all that and everything so I got talking to him and he's there to protect you from snakes, to be like snake aware and all that and everything. So I got talking to him and he says the two main dangers out here are some it called the puffer there and some it called the black mamba. Right. Yeah. Why are you laughing? I'm laughing at puff and I'm laughing at the black mamba.

Puff mamba. He could be a footballer. I'm good. Puff member, he could be a footballer, couldn't he? And so anyway, I got talking to him and he took me, I said, the Puff Adder is really short and really fat, yeah, probably only two feet long, but really. The listener's bobs holding his hands about two feet wide. Two feet wide, you know, really thick, but the beauty of the Puff Adder is, is it ain't gonna go for you, but if you stand on it or stand near it, you're a goner. So what's this fella do then?

So he keeps his eye, he knows he can... What, you mean, he came out? Well, as you go to Harpoon or something, with him. I'll come to that. All right, okay, sorry. He's the warden, yeah? To his snake, man. So, I said I would really like to say your pufferder. Yeah

I'm gonna puffer get yeah, I really like to see a pufferder. So he says we're up in He says there'll be loads of them up there. He said up in we drove up in it wasn't fun enough It wasn't a land Rover can I just say that I'm much prefer if someone I know you're not supposed to call people to puff anymore. But if you do, it's got to be P-U-F-F and not this P-O-O-F thing. Poof. Well, I, it's got to be puff, isn't it? I think, I mean, from my point of it is a puff. I'm happy with that. Yeah. I mean, P-U-F-F when I was young, didn't there's nothing to do with this sexuality? Was it not? It was not, I don't think it was a nice thing to call someone,

but in men you were cowardly. Right. You know what I mean? It's all tied in the nothing. Many make a carry on. So I go up and I have misled the listeners because it wasn't a Land Rover, it's some kind of land, I don't know. I don't know.

What this whole thing? Just a Land Rover bit. Yeah, I did affect know, fake news. What this whole thing? Just the lad Rover, but yeah, I did our fake news, do you up, right up? And so anyway, we went off and fucking Alessaud Giraffe, by the way, Andy, in its own habitat, doing its chewing things, sad to say, do you know what I mean? I'm not saying one of them.

In what, and its natural habitat? Soclex, wildlife park. Yeah, in plastic one. So, we get out, there's a poor father, he says, it'd just be slow or whatever. You're going to laugh at him, he's not giving me story, and he's just laughing at poor fuck out of stuff.

Right, we'll get rid of the poor father. But I said, I didn't see a poor father. We were approaching where the warden felt instinctively there would be a puffer. Right. What happens suddenly, he says, get back in a fucking vehicle. Right? Our character, was that any good?

Get back in a fucking vehicle. Right. So what's fuck is happening? So I didn't instantly go as a fucking black manber coming out. No, a black manber, I've told you before about the manber. I'm a bit upset because I'm a scary thing around in my life. A black manber's run. They do, yeah.

They've got like a circle thing over there, they bounce. No, they go two thirds of the body raises up erect, yeah? One, one, one, what, you laugh at the erect. Correct. Sorry. And the final third, they coil. Yeah, and one one one what you laugh a little erect sorry And the final third they coil and the runner he got to 20 kilometers and hour. Yeah, so I'm fucking hell So I ran to the to the vehicle and just as a slam the door Yeah, yeah, the man but hit the glass of my window and I mean it didn't bite it didn't penetrate it and all its venom come out and I Well, you know, I think I've never been a venom coming out

Sorry and All this it must be about half a pint of it is honey sort of colored stuff and then it disappears I didn't know where it was I I looked out of the front window, right? And it's sorry, he got out, he got in the car, he got in the back of the car and he went out with a gun. I had no idea whether it's a gun or a tranquillizer gun or whatever, but with a gun. Gets out to the front of the car and then he points the car to me. Right through the woods. We thought you were a pufferder. No, a puffer says, mate.

Now I've got to see the effect. Mate, I'm fucking inside. I'm a fucking ripest. Right? So, I'm a fuck. So I reversed the car. I won't go into the details of that. I had to keep down

in the foot well. Right. Yeah. And just stay at best. I couldn't get away from this insane. Who hired this? I don't know. So I got away from a job away, but when I I eventually was working in coo to the snake. Well, you do wonder. You do wonder. The snake was like a bit. And anyway, so that's when I damaged where I was just reversing blind and I went smack in or a boulder or something. Right. And I don't know just because of the way my hand was reaching up to the steering wheel, I just snapped some it right, some of the muscles, the tendons or something. Right. So so if we could

like sort of defy it can use that story one by one. Basically, you were down the precinct and you reversed it with ballad because you were smorgan. No, you're driving. Honestly, it's not fake. Can you can you just say once once more, can you what was it? Get back in the fucking vehicle. He said, I'm just just just remember of it. See, get back in the vehicle. No, I just say fucking vehicle. Give back in the vehicle. Give back in the fucking vehicle. That's it. That's a free ringtone for everyone there.

You can use that as a ringtone. What were you made in presence at Christmas? I know it seems ages ago. I'm going to talk about made presence at Christmas. Well, I've got a gun, right? I've got a gun. No, you didn't. I did. I got a gun. I'll bring it in next week.

What's all gun? It's a handgun. A handgun. Yeah. Which by his bullets. Yeah. Pro-bullets. Well, that's all I got a gun. I'll bring it in next week if you want. What's our gun? It's a handgun. A handgun. Yes, by his bullets. Yeah, probably bullets. Well, that's all I got. I mean, well, the sunda and constant, it's constabulary, might be interesting.

Do they have police up there? I've got a permit. I've got a permit, it's fine. The call is the sheriff up there now. Yeah. Because of this podcast. Right. I'm pretty much a big deal.

But it's sunda now. Because this is like, you know, the whole country here is this, the podcast or the call is the sheriff. Alright, so you parade around little with your fucking hang on day, yes. And like, soup of ours in the knock down price. I tell you something that did happen in Newcastle in, it must have been 1999, I think, means some mates went to a fancy dress night. And there's a couple of them dressed as well. What you mates went to a fancy dress night. And there was a couple of them dressed as what you're all wearing, fancy dress.

Yeah, I was Captain Caveman. And there was some of them dressed as James Bond. And one of the James Bond's had a fake handgun, a replica gun. Yeah. And we were on the dance floor in the snipe club, we have in this gun around in the air. Yeah. You couldn't do that now. No, and you'd want to wouldn't you?

I mean, really, we did. We did want to and we did it. But you couldn't do that now. No and you'd want to wouldn't you? You really really? We did we did want to and we did it. You couldn't do that now could you? Do you want me to tell you anything? I do want me to do some months of it. Have you got some names for me? You haven't given me a name yet. Oh this way. You've been doing this dry, nameless, anonymously up to now. I'm not sure why I am yet. Easy Ronnie. Right. That's a choice for you. It's a I am yet? Easy Ronnie. Right. And that's a choice for you. It's a nice street wise kind of name. Yeah. Broccoli High Street. Right.

Yeah. This one, I think it's very you when I look at you. It's Mr. Rumbaba. Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Don Tuffy. I like that. Oh, Ravi Orley Downpipe.

Any of them are available. Oh, you can be Ronnie or Tuffy. I'll be Don Tuffy for this week. I like that. Oh, Ravi Oli downpipe any of them are available. Oh, you can be running out of it I'll be done toffee for this so I think I think I'll write done If we were to I'm actually got some names for you. All right. Let's hear it turn it on a Ted for a bit Well, I might choose onkey tongue. Yeah, give me honky talk. That's the author to keep her. We'll go sheldon hardness Um hms tinfoil. Yeah the sweet HMS tinfoil, the suite, Mr 52,000 and Mousy Thompson. Well do you know I'm going to forechange and I'd like to be called the suite. The suite.

As in a candy? A candy? I'm in the glam rock group. No definitely the candy. The candy. Welcome to the podcast of the suite. Anything you want to get kickers off with? Can we reestablish your credentials as a memory man? Yeah, of course.

It's been over a month. What do you think I fear it? I don't believe it. The only thing I fear is the fucking black member. We'll see. Memory man. Yep. Do you remember the name of the act that headlined the lactose intolerance stage on the Friday night of the Glastonbury Festival in 2004?

Just a minute, the lactose intolerance, I might have been a tent, sorry, lactose intolerance. Is this a real thing? Yeah Well, I'm gonna be guessing it because I want to worry about it. So who headlined who headlined on the Friday night 2004 Glastonbury in the Lucktour in Tolerance tent Do I remember it do you remember who it was? No, I don't I'm sorry. I can't say I do. That's, um, you're going to tell me. That's disappointing.

You're going to tell me, or else? No. All right, we'll move on. Well, that's the end of the podcast then. So, that, that's it. We've got to stop now. No, I'm not stopping. We've got to, because you've got to stop yourself,

I'm sorry, I'll crack off. Oh, well, I'll fucking off then. Hey, I've got an artist, and they come back in. Shut the door. Come on, you're with me now, you're safe. Have you ever noticed when he got to swimming baths? And you do back crawl. Have you ever noticed? You invariably knock a child unconscious with your brass hand. And then you knock, I have noticed that.

Hey, oh fuck you. Have you noticed there's always one Jews day every year when everyone goes apeship for pancakes and you can't buy any lemon juice to loosen the hinge on your brass end. Oh no, not this one. That's we're underwater. Oh right. Do you say other than that again? Have you been walked next to that? Do you like it? It's all right. Do you see how I do that again? Have you ever looked next to that? You like it. It's alright. Alright, it's Gangles of the EPL. So, it's not going back a bit now, sorry because of the shoulder base along, so I went in the Borough Manionite, you've been off for a month with a shoulder,

a fictional shoulder injury. Sorry, carry on. So I went in the Borough Manionite again, all chaffered, as usual, I call say on me VIP tickets, so I went in the players lounge, I was out of the game as well, good game, went the players, yeah but we were winning one nilterly, oh well well, that's a good six. The minute. Look good in the league table at the end of the season when you get relegated. Yeah, is there a league table we almost won? What about fucking league tables and winning the nose? I had a lovely day out at the far right. I tell us all about it. So I

went the player's down. And I got a pint of IPA. Yeah, some nice cold Hammond P's pudding. And I camped, I went to camp down in one of the cubicles in the toilet. I can't enough mix with all the people up there. Just as I was walking in actually, I passed it or I tore Caranca, he was just coming out so I said oh, I tore and he going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say,

I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, of it was in there. Now, and what a sight. He had his pants down and everything. I honestly. He had one, he was stood up with one leg either side of the, of the pot.

Yeah, with his, fuck, we shoulder, with his hands on his, on his hips. Yeah, just stood over it. I've been attired. Oh, that's how he does it. Really? Yeah. Crouching. Not just snorkeling. Just he does it. Really? No crouching. No, just snort-handers on it. Just bold and prouder. Expalin it. Yeah. This is what he was written for a bus. I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said it. Oh yeah, I rough. I said why not he says I don't know how to So he didn't you know he was happy to have enough to I don't know how to stand in a book. I can't look at the door. So I shut the door for him

And I tell him you see get tucked in to me am Please put in by the way, I'm not I'm gonna do in a motion. I just like the privacy. Yeah, just get on with it and get get some Grimmy, you're a celebrity. you don't want to be bothered to do. Then, if someone comes in, I look over the top, it's where Drony, where Drony, yeah. I look, it sees dressed in like a very bright crimson red jumper that has like a woolen 3D crab. Yeah. Like, mainly a claw.

I was actually crab claw, sticking out of each shoulder, a bit like epulets, yeah. Yeah. And just sticking out, I know, it's for keeping wet wipes in. Right. They're interesting, isn't it? Do you find that interesting? Yes. He's with Phil Jones and Mark Rushford.

Yeah. They've got this same, jump round with the crab claws and the wet wipes, yeah? Yeah. Where has got a little row robot with him, yeah? Looks a bit like, do you know, like I was gonna say Star Wars robot, Metal Mickey or something. Just that little metal Mickey, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You're a bit or med on cast as an app. Functional? Remote control, functional, yeah. Yeah. And so this, I can't do Scouse, can you do Scouse? Cause you could do. Pable Aki!

Well, I can say a chechen. Like a soup. In the Mark Lawrence and style of things I'll do. Well I have these bits if you like. There's probably too much dialogue but I'll not. I'll do bits see how you get on with that. So this is it says where this is Rudy toady. This is it. This is Rudy toady.

Yeah I don't like it. And he will give us an advantage against the Southern gangs. And he'll be like, that's not a scopes. At Arsenal and Spares. Yeah, right. It's technically logical and electric. And it's fucking cute to bolt, which you had to agree with. It was cute.

Was it? Our love him says Phil, Phil Jones. Can I take him home so we can strike up a friendship? Mae'r Llywodd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw'r llwyd yn yw' said Phil, can I take him home so we can start up a friendship? No says where, like no, Colleen would go to a spare, she likes to sleep, she likes him to sleep with us in our bed, you know during the dark section of the day, right? Just ask him anything you want says Wayne, so Phil says, who is best you care best, football theme? And the robot says Manchester United of course, they have more money than most and a very large stadium. Manchester United's best player is Wade Rooney.

He has paid a very high wage and always gives 230%. Bang! At this point, Zlatan kicks up in the door of his cubicle. Bang! You know he does those eye kicks. Yeah, smacks it open. Who dares say that eyes, Zlatan, are not the best player for United. That's why he doesn't lock the fucker, isn't it? Well, so they kick out. RD2D or whatever he's called., he says it is a fact. Get used to it, big nose. So, Slatton boots the robot, smack, straight against the bog wall and it's destroyed. You know how it does. You know, that's kind of thing. And Slatton says, now tell me, who is the best player in the United team?

And they all say, you are Slatton says, now tell me, who is the best player in the United team? And they all say, you are Slatton, right? Correct, and then he touches his toes with his nose, yeah? Ben's right over, and he says, now, Wipes Slatton's ass, and they all go, yes Slatton, and they all take the little wet wipes. Oh, that's what they're for. Out of the crab claws on the shoulders and start working away, is there, Ness? Oh, gently.

Yeah, at this point, Andy, at this point, George Clark, you know, from Emerson Spurses. Yeah. He's been at the match. He comes out of another cubicle, and he said, Oh, that cubicle is an Emerson Spurs. another cubicle and he said oh that cubicle is an amazing space then he says he's letting bent down so he gets down have a look at his head and so that he says wow that's an amazing space you could get two bedrooms in a playroom up

there it's amazing and that's the end of me gangs of the Premier League. I've got so much to catch up on at it. And I know Ari Khen's coming in later, isn't he? Yeah, I'm going interview Ari Khen. So I'm Khen. You're not allowed to be here. I don't want you to be here because of some of the things you've said about it. But I'm not afraid enough of that because I'm got stars on that.

No, you don't want to go on the wrong side of him then. No. Do you think, if you spent 80 quid on an umbrella, do you think it would be incredible or just standard? Do you think it's an area of umbrellas where they become incredible? My kind of budget when it comes to umbrellas is five or an under. No, I agree agree I've got a £5 on me today but I can't remember the last time I ever used an umbrella yeah okay I just wondered if this like you like there'll be one that's got like a button and it opens and yeah 80 quid though 80 quid if they've diamond encroasted handle or something maybe in Sunland but in the rest

of the country I'm saying 80 quid equipment in that much. For a fucking umbrella? No, it's a awful lot for an umbrella, but think of it as an umbrella for life. You probably, you know, it might be false economy in terms of the number of times you have to replace a five-quid umbrella. But I'd never use a five-quid umbrella. Okay, you're not interested in umbrellas, all right.

I wish I'd asked about a mop. I wonder if there's a mop, because I imagine you use a mop. Are we asking about a mop next week? All right. What's that? Premier League Academy got onto my mind, Andy. What's that? I was just thinking, like, when I say Academy,

I mean, like, school. Yeah. You probably weren't wearing Academy D, I failed school. So I was thinking, let's staff an Academy, a comprehensive, right? Premier League managers. Right. So, did you ever go out here? I have to say something.

The Yastas too, yeah. It was like, we school homework or something. Well, first of all, I thought it was Claude Poel. So that was Claude Poel. What did you put in there? I see him as being an art teacher. All right. He's sort of a groovy art teacher.

He left the kids go outside for a small and brick. Yeah. He encourages the lads to draw cocks, but not the lasses.asses. He owns his own mini bus but he hasn't plucked up the courage to use it yet. Any change these days when he moved to the Yoke here? I don't know this character. I've got to be honest, I didn't staff any of the, you know those mystery managers like Swansea, the what they sell for. Common core managers. Yeah, I don't know what, I don't know who they are. So I mean, I didn't have an art teacher.

So that's fun. We'll put him on our own art. Your turn. Caretaker. Yeah. Sam Aladai. Do you think I think so? Right.

Any reason why? Well, I just think put a nice brown, one of them brown coats on him and a mop in his under that and he just looked the part. You know, I mean yeah Steve Bruce he's not premier manager. He's not a see but either made of good dinner lady Well, yeah, that's his um, he's nicknamed isn't it the dinner? Is it really? I don't know the premier league manager's club Which is not allowed into at the minute. He has to watch with that fierce press against the glass. Yeah, it probably makes it look normal With this press that that does yeah, I put I sorry. I. It probably makes it look normal. With this press that bad glass. Yeah.

I put, I, sorry, I had allergies, I had a debt with the head. All right. And I thought he, he, he knows stuff about people on the council, so as a result of that, he's bulletproof. Yeah. Headmaster, all the stuff to test them. Yeah. And he just swans about, don't fuck all all day.

And he comes back half-piston the afternoon. And he's the discipline. Depit, go and see Mr. allergies. Yeah. Not clear. So we'll hand the afternoon's and he's the discipline go and see Mr. Alan yeah yeah really nearly smack him about a bit probably I got cared at school and in the Gedmasters office and he let go of the cane just to see me and it smashed the glass on the trophy. So, yeah, that was a, well, PE teacher. A strict PE teacher, right? A hope it's the same, because it has to be.

All right. Who have you got? I've got a PE teacher. Oh, it's fucking Mark Hughes, innit? Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Well, we'll do one more, because it's taken forever, innit?

David Moise. All right, let me guess where you put him. You put David Moise down as geography. No, caretaker. You write him as a caretaker. Chooses not to live on the onside bungalow. It doesn't do eye contact. Sentences tend to trail off our way through.

And then he just says that he heard a noise and he goes off to investigate. Oh I see, Scooby don't care about that. We might continue that next week. Yeah, we might. We might not. Yeah, but Cillett Bang or Mr Muscle, which of them do you believe in more? Cillett Bang. Why?

Because it's made by a wrecking Ben Hauser or whatever and they're very reliable. Mark at leaders, are they? Yeah, very enough. I don't know what sort of shout and Johnny come lately, makes. What was it called? Mr Muscle. I mean, I don't know Mr. Muscle's a mead of character, isn't it? Yeah, and Cillet is a mead of wood. Yeah, so I can't really choose between the two of them. Well, well, Nescafe. I don't know what that's. Well, all right. Well, the Cillet's the fellow who came up with it. That's Barry. But he's called Barry Banger,

he has on it. No, he's just the front run in the effort. Because you know, Polart is. Yeah. That's actually named after a fellow that came up with it. What, like a Eric Polart is? John Polart is. Yeah, so I thought, Mike, John Sillard. Yeah. Was John Sillard? He was a Coventry manager, wasn't it? That sounds like a Coventry manager, yeah. So, it's named after him. Yeah, he came up with Sillard Bang. I'll do an oldman, and I'll announce as I do it, this is the last ever old man.

Not doing him anymore. It's too private. I'm laughing at doing him. So I went up to Stockton and see the old man, just after Chris receives, I'm in a garden party, is that right? I've got nice, I'll say. Edward, do you think? But for the dosy kids and the parents, you know.

Big garden. It's a lovely garden, yes. It's a clued areas. There is, it's detached. Yeah. At the back, you can see a few houses, a few other houses. Something I'm laughing at.

We got Billy the Pidgeon in, Dosa Magick, yeah. Biffy Clire, or did some first-pain in. Yeah. And then offered to do some of the kids first. This is Rale. Yep. The Vicka with the Twitch, and then Bad Breath,

he did some storytelling, something about a biscuit that had a pain, or something like, oh, we're sorry, if I could, we're there, enjoy it. The town clerked at a daft dance and gave a kick in display, you know, like how to kick, display. Anyway, after all, the halfway through this fast,

the old man came up to me and he said, Robert, I've got something to show you, Robert. Come with me, Robert. I thought, are you up, Mark, get lucky, are you ready? You know what I mean? So, he takes me outside, points to a great big polythene tunnel, you know, like polythene tunnels for... A poly tunnel, yeah, but it's a big man's size. Mass size massive tunnel and he's put up in his garden he says what do you think Robert? I said I'm but it's very nice, I'm not I mean I'm no expert but it looks like a good and solid and it's really tunnel it you know a bit like E.T. or something like that. Yeah just went there Robert, went to La Beccon New Robert Oh, so he dissipated. Yeah, I've swan, yeah, I'll wait. So I

hang around for about five minutes. A couple of kids wondered out at one point, I told them to fuck off. So you're on me, he sassed me out there, me and they all laughed. Yeah, fuck off, yeah. And then I know, Robert, come inside now, Robert. I get inside and I look through,'s there's a like a first area and then it's got one of those curtains that you might have on silent witness or something Yeah, like the strips of yeah a bit they've been cancelled out of the forensic curtains, but they're all brightly colored Now they're thicker for let's call them forensic curtains. Thank you I've got an album by them for the forensic ear. And there's a look through it and there's rope on row of these plants with quite a long fruit growing. Right.

Red fruit, long, like a cucumber, like a cucumber or something like that. For the listeners, Bob's holding these hands apart at a long distance. And he says, these are my little secret robot. Robert, they are genetically engineered cross between a cucumber and a tomato robot. I call them combatores. Robert, I sneak the seeds back from Estonia, Robert, when I was at the Apricot Festival a few years back, Robert. Then I notice he's wearing, you know those paper boilers soaps, like you get if you're in custody, the police and that, and he hands one to me, he says, here Robert put this on Robert, the humidity in here is terrifying. I don't want you to pass out Robert. Well it was fucking

out, so I stripped down to me and he's held out me and for the boiler soaps. He says, no Robert, remove your briefs. I don't want my combatos contaminated with Todd dust. So I took them off really slow, to make sure they didn't close like a flurry of dust. And I put the soap on, well, it was hot in there. And you could feel the soap like clinging to your skin. And the alderman tells me to pluck a combator,

give it a try, this cross between a cucumber and tomato. So just as I'm picking it, I see these faces pressed up against the outside of the tunnel. They look a bit scary, a bit distorted because of all the condensation, but I can make out the town clerk and I can make out biffy because some ink dripping off his face in the condensation and that Then it starts up a bit muffled at first Kiss the oldenman kiss the oldenman kiss the oldenman or just the oldenman to a crescendo I think we'll and why not I'm on a human anna exactly. I mean

Who wouldn't so I turned towards him and I say that his suit, his purpose suit, is really drenched, it's more or less transparent, you know what I mean? Yeah, you can see all like the swirls of hair on his potbelly, yeah, and all the hair on his shoulders is all swirled and sticking to his head. So he's got the inside of the pepper so he can see. And there's a little ripper formed in his chest and through that you can see the scar where he had his lungs saying so, you know what I mean. And he's covering his modesty because it's all seitho with one of the combatores you know.

He's nice of him, Carl, I want to be involved with that. So he grabs me around me, where's, and he rips my soars he does so, and he starts looking at me cheek. Do you know like a spiral motion, and I, like snake, he started to live in circles. Nice. Oh, it was really rummages. It was really captivating. Then bang, it clamps on to me mouth like a weld. I'm transported to leads, do you know what I mean? I'm somewhere incredibly romantic anywhere. Somewhere like Leeds. Yeah, no, I've hamptored. Somal like that, really romantic place.

Then too quickly it's over and I'm hossled out with a tunnel. And as I'm getting dressed, Andy, I noticed that the aldermen's crying. Oh, yeah. So that's hard, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, I'm not bothered by his crying. I know why he was crying.

No, but it struck me as unusual. It is a bit. Yeah. So I'm afraid that's where we'll have to leave the oldenman crying in his polytonal. It's kind of how I thought it would end up really in the very beginning. Did you think Andy that that story was a bit like the film E.T. You know, with the tonal and the paper suits. Valley believable. Let's have a quick chat with Harry Kane before. Okay, I better get out of the end. So you just get out the door there. It's just outside,

I can just see him through the glass, yeah. Okay. Good luck with it. Thanks. Harry, Harry Kane, thanks for joining me here today. Yeah, alright mate, that Bob Blook's not AOE. No, that's the feeling you just saw on the way out. Oh, I didn't spot him. He said some very upsetting things that might have given me the jitters in the past. You know, if I see him, I'm not kidding, I'm at the wrong clean water at him. Oh, I refuse to share his hand and then he wouldn't feel so clever, would he? No, he wouldn't hurry

And it's alright because he's gone. He's not here. Don't worry. Harry, you've recently become a father. How does that feel? It's really easy, man. And not half as upsetting as I thought it would be. My wife and mum do all the unpleasant side of things and I just let a little ivy player with my chin. Right. Okay. So did you go to the birth? Were you there when Ivy was born? Yes, I went to the hospital with my mum and Debbie Alley. I got very frustrated during the car park as the parking beds with two thin for me range Rover. Oh yeah, I had to wind me wing mirrors then which upset me because they're color coded to match man and Debbie's winkle pickers I got I got so so Debbie Ali was at the birth of your child. Yeah

Coffee was yeah, we've got everywhere together so people can feel our first is hate What's funny nothing nothing? It's good to have a birth and partner It's modern we are the white hearts fail our first, she's hate, I'll get out of our sight. All right, all right, okay, okay, I haven't got a problem with that. Okay, back to the childbirth, was it a straightforward delivery?

Yes, I think so, but the wife did get in a really bad mood during labor and she took it out on me, which very upsetting. Oh, that's not nice. What did she, what did she show you? She said very hurtful things. Did she? Like what? Like what? She said once, she said I wasn't a proper man like Kyle Walker or Slender Lois, the gold keeper, and that my chin made me look like a bar with home. Sorry I'm laughing again Bob said something about a puff earlier I'm still laughing at that. How did that mean?

He's a puff. I've heard that yeah. Yeah you heard that. How did that make you feel? You wife seeing them nasty things to you? Well I felt rough old and a bit jittery and quite unsettled. Delhi gave me a fredder bar to settle me down or so. That worked a treat yeah. Good good good. Well I'm glad the birth went well. about to settle me down or so. That worked. That worked a treat. Yeah. Well, I'm glad the birth went well.

Back on the football, which is, you know, what makes you famous, how was the match against Sunderland in Midwake? That was a very upsetting game, actually. I was there. I was upsetting for me as well, yeah. Yeah, it wasn't as upset as Sunderland playing Stripes. Yes. Insist on playing on Stripes.

And under the flood lights, this cause is strobing on my chin and I played the number of loose balls due to this factor. Well perhaps that was one of their tactics maybe. Well also some of their players had very bad manners. Oh. And didn't actually seem interested in playing fair. Does that happen in probably like, yes. And after the match, I'll tell you what I did. I blew my nose on my shirt before swapping it. So that's bound to have made them feel down in the dumps. That's probably just gonna make it worse

next time you play them. All done. All done, let's me phone. Yeah. It's Delhi looking after the baby outside. Hi, Delhi. oeddwn, mae'r ffordd. Mae'r ffordd. Mae'r ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn fforddd yn ffordd yn fford Okay, close, look at Roadmar, I came to Debbie. Well, take the baby out of the fram before bus hits it. This also sounds very chaotic. Oh, God, so look, I'm sorry, I'll have to go. It's left the fram jutting out in the road

and Dele won't fetch the baby out of the fram in case his suit gets splashed, which is understandable, I suppose. It's quite upsetting, no, I'm so sorry. I'll come again, because I've got to go. Thanks for having me anyway. Oh, cheers, Harry. Fuck me, he's chin is big.

I was he? It's got a fucking big chin. Did you see it? I wasn't liking it really, though. It's like ivory. Like a baritone, mate. Yeah. Yeah. Baratorma. Mary Gordon was the prettiest lass on the island, possessed of long silky red hair that

tumbled around the shoulders like a cascade of climatos tendrils. Her legs were long and smooth like a bold boring of evaporated milk. Her eyes were emerald green and peppered with mischief. She had a stomach as flat as a bilchid's tail and plenty tipped to spare, should a number of suitors need feeding. For many years the lad had had his eyes upon her bounty, but had been stristrated in his endeavours by Mary's father. He was an ill-tempered giant of a man, feared by all on the island, and at threatened to strike down the lard to death, should he seek to harvest his daughter's bagel. But today Mary was in terrible fear,

as she sat by the bed of her dead father. For as soon as the lard heard of his demise, then surely he would come to fetch her. What was she to do? Her only chance of avoiding the Lerd's clutches was to escape to the mainland, ah, the mainland she sighed. Many an evening she had imagined herself striding along the high street in Strangra, where she would visit the Timpsons Hale Bar under the guise of requiring new laces for her brogues, but her real intent

to watch the incredible revolving machine used to remove excess glue from the prepares. Then on to age Samuels, where the beauty of the garage clocks and woodland postland figurines, displayed in the window would move her the days. He imagined herself sat alone in Costa Covey, being approached by an art student requesting her knowledge of the wife I called. As he stood next to her table, his personal pipe and wits would rest on the top table, pulsating to the beat of African jazz, being piped into the premises free of charge by the kind owners of Costa. As he had stared at my footland pipe we lost, he would say,

it's a fair bulk and sturdy taboo. I do not wish to kick your fettling, too, young man, she would say. I was just admiring its tenacity and demeanor, which you could have to join me. They would talk for hours and letter he would take her to his digs, where they would take advantage of the Papa Johns to for choose the offer. Suddenly there was a Ferrari at the door, and the door was struck and knocked off its hinges, stood in the door and was the lair of himself. Well, little, little, you're all alone, new lassie. Time for you to take your place beside me

in the castle. I'll know come, you'll never have you away with me, and soon a day in rest with my father, then do ought to please you. She picked up her father's cutlass ready to fight the lurch for her freedom. Oh, it's trouble here, one, I see. Just like your father, but near as powerful. Take her to McCallum. McCallum entered the room. Mary was so fearful of what she saw, that she held up the cutlass and slid through her own throat.

For McCallum had the face of Jess and DeRulo. The face of Jess and D'Roulos. The face of Jess and D'Roulos, the face of Jess and D'Loulos. Thank you Andy. It's a bit disappointing that you chose to do last week's Scottish song again but I'll just edit it out. See you next time. Bye!