Athletico Mince - Ep. 40 - Hello, Is It Three You're Cooking For?

Episode Date: February 17, 2017

More from the unruly mangos, the Boro gang arrive, the Secret Soccer Superstar returns, and there's an exciting announcement... Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Oh, I already hung the tonguing. I think it may sound a little bit frail there, Andy. Yeah, you know, like a little bit, like you're in need of some nice boiled fish, some up for frail people. I don't feel like I'm bit like you're in need of some nice boiled fish, some for frail people. I don't feel like I'm, do you think there's maybe a long capacity issue? Of course.

Quite the contrary to be honest with you, I thought that sounded a bit like like a rocket ship afterburners. Right. Yeah. With you I've said that that rocket ship is bound for Sunland. Yeah. It'll land on the retail park. Yeah.

Car park. Where of course it will be dismantled by scavengers That's what I'm seeing and saw for scrap is there anyone famous from Sunland? We've got we've got And they have Stuart the urethmic. No, that's not bad. We've got Denise Robertson he used to be the agony ant. On this morning, now deceased Denees. All right, so that was just gonna say

she wore a bit sour in real life, but oh, resting face. Was she? Yeah, that's something. I thought, you know that advert, where the bloke goes, fantastic. I thought, isn't he from Sunsland? No.

You know, go and compare, he goes, fantastic. What the fuck, opera singer? Yeah, but not him, the bloke in the cabagot. Oh the fantastic That sounds of a cockney cuz I think I don't think that's sundaun They just seemed a bit of dome up already probably we've got Lauren Levin from She's really oh yeah, she doesn't live in sullen anymore either now I think in terms of famous people who still live in sundaun there's There's me that you're not famous. No. You're tits are. Well, you are.

I've got a must, you know, I don't mean one that sound like a bank manager or you're a accountant or anything, but I must of course give you a choice in names, Andy. I must accept that challenge. First off is James Caramel. Now, just so you know, I reckon he marries old birds and then nicks the jewelry, that sort of character. Can I just say that? I don't think you've put a grid there, I don't know that one. Well, for an arm, you know, we'll don't choose it then,

and they, second one. Well, I don't know, I'm not the rest of my life. Second one is Tits Wednesday, yeah. Only washes his Tits midweek, and he's the only blog in the UK with fallopian tubes. Right, if I say that, better, better, okay story. Alright, you like this one. Bubbles muk party, right? Dominates at all parties with a screeching laugh and an anti-s. Yeah, that's kind of me. That's that's my feminine side. The next

one I predict, you'll probably go for for it. Now he's an ITV detective yeah and he's addicted to I'm going to say something like Malibu like I've one of those drinks. Barely Malibu. Taboo. Taboo. Yeah he's an ITV detective. That's the only bloc on this copybook is what's called taboo addiction. Yeah and it's called Nick Sparrow. You're taking it or you're taking it? called Nick Sparrow. You're taking it? Are you taking it? I'm not taking it. What are you taking, running out now?

What was the second one? Tits Wednesday. Tits, yeah, I'm going with Tits Wednesday. Okay. Thank you very much. Tits by Niem. Tits by Nich. All right, hello, Tits Wednesday.

How are you doing? I'm all right, thanks for your more shows yourself. First of all, how's your health? Because a lot of people ask me to ask you that. Not to Alina. Oh, I think of it your health? Because a lot of people ask me to ask you that. Not to Alunia. Oh, I think I'm going to have you got a separate podcast you're going to do. No, I've got my health phone, like men's health, where you can fit around with your testicles. Jay, tell you what's funny. You send to Bo for an explorer is my very first thing I've got to ask you is, is are you watching the TV show to Bo? No, wait Tom Arde, it's a really good one.

Mine reading thing. No, I'm not. It's really good. Because once I realized that it wasn't about the drink taboo. You have a rejector bit. I just switched off. What was the, what was taboo's sister drink? There was another one, alibutaboo. Mirage. Mirage. Taboo and Mirage. What's the green one? Absent? No, no, Absent. It's green and it's melon. Anyway, look we're boring people in Midori. Midori, yeah, I was addicted to that for about a month. I feel like a midori. Andy, I've got a lot to get through, but I come back, you know, I'm a bit out of breath. Yeah, I have just been to a restaurant. Oh, well, one of the diners was someone, right,

of great significance to your life. And I'm gonna make you guess, you're not believe who was in the restaurant. Someone of great significance to my life. So there's gonna be someone connect at the football. Not saying, you know, like, what are you know, you're gonna do? All right, I'll give you a yes and no,

I'll give you a help. But come on, just first, I'll give you a yes and no's or so I'll give you help But come on just first. I'll give us a flourish of guesses Me dad no, it's a famous person me mom Who's my baby Who would you love to who would you love to have seen in a restaurant? I could watch and don't it wasn't Ken don't know He's on the telly though Oh, I think I've got it. Oh, here's it.

Greg Wallace? It was fucking Greg Wallace. I ate Kenya and I took a sneaky photo. So we can put that up on the website. No, don't, just show me. Don't share it with them. There you are. Where the...

Look at that. Can you see him? I didn't get that close. There he is. What's he got around his neck? Is it a Kravatt? It's a napkin. He's eating properly.

He's not turning the troops there. So can you do the troops? Can you do the sit? Because I know you're doing a musical about his life. I am. Yeah. It's coming along quite nicely. You might want to include a bit where it's like heart

breaking for him because because of his fame and that, he has to hide away in these posh restaurants and people are taking fun. Yeah. Dickheads like me are taking photos and do you know where we could include another part of the Greg Wallace musical where we could do some live shows couldn't we but we are going to do some out there I think so yeah but now worry you can't find yet my only worry Andy is that no one will turn up right right so so if we do them, but people that got a follow, may or may want to, I'll follow a 30-minute comment because that's the only place you're going to get the answer to. That's where it'll be announced.

And that's athletic or mince on Twitter. Yeah. Or on Facebook as well as at RealMinds. You're not real but I'm at profanities once. So you've got to follow us if you want to find out where and when these so-called shores are going to be Yeah, little bit shores. I mean with we're sniffing around Newcastle and Liverpool Is it we're having a look? Well, I'm a little bit in the North. Maybe a little bit in the South 400

See the water 400 seaters. Yeah, the shore will be a shambles But that makes a rex of refreshing chair. Yes, you know, you're not going to get a John Bishop Michael McIntyre type performance Hey, hey, hey, have you ever noticed when they do a live show? It's shit and they won't let you in because you've got a brass end. All that business. I've even noticed that these days they don't let you do a comedy show and let you read off a piece of paper on the stage. Well, we will be reading from pieces of paper.

Would you like to call me a little shit? Oh, you little shit. Nice one. Wanted to establish this for a while. Does the oldie in Sunderland actually have more than one so do you want to? Okay, do they have a whole aisle dedicated to chicken, dippas and blue drinks or not? No, okay. These days it's a small part of the offering. Really? They do like a turkey dip with chicken dip. Just special exactly of stuff. I bet they do. I've got some kangaroo sticks and they're the other way. For awesome. Because they're with shape, I presume.

Can I do a song about the unruly mongos? Yeah, I enjoyed that. Because I've got another one they've been out and about again. Here we go. Two large mangoes down the library. Two large mangoes getting books for free. Drawing some cocks and some balls in 50 shades. Two large mangoes, fans of biology. Two large mangoes on the microfish. Two large mangoes researching family trees. Locating our people with surnames like shit tits and quim,

two large mangoes chucked out on the street. I call it like. So we got to have the wish out out. Unruly again, ejected. No criminal proceedings this way so that's alright. Do you know the most frightening thing? I was thinking after you did the mango song last week and if we did get invaded by mangoes right. Yeah. Say like a bigger mango they'd have a really leathery

sentient one yeah the worst one would be that Dorian fruit I'd be saying that with the spiky exterior yeah that'll be quite a enamison enemy man enemy I think they would probably they would probably be the first ones through to sort of crush and destroy everything and then the actual mangoes would come through and tear Would they have legs do you think I would they rule? That's what I don't know. I mean I think if I was doing them film of it I'd say GI and they would roll. Yeah I think so definitely it's more intimidating with the rolling. I've got a statement from me wife.

A statement. Yeah because I've a certain sympathy with you, basically just by a background, she bothers to write all these questions and that, and you can't be sure if you want answer. So this is her statement. Quote, can I just say you are very rude, a typical show of an isnordiner. I take the time to write the questions, and from day one, you have dodged every fucking one.

Brackets, IE. the bungalow. Close bracket. It's not funny and you are not clever. I don't know why Bob bothers with you. Bob is a classy style character. You are a pig and a lump of shit. End of quote. Now that's, I know it's a bit sweary,

but you've obviously got annoyed. So bearing that in mind, could you please answer the wife's questions this week? Oh, there's questions as well as a statement. Yeah whilst we'll be buttered up by the statement am I? Is that going to be an incentive? Well we'll see what happens. Yeah we will. Do you ever eat fresh food? EG fruit. Yes I had a chicken sandwich earlier from the shop. So what's fresh about the chicken sandwich from the shop? Well I had to do this dear on it Oh right, so you're all right fair enough. You don't eat fresh. Have you ever eat fruit? Yeah Yeah, you do what mangoes?

Do you have a toilet brush or do you just scrape at the marks with the empty toilet roll? Well, I have a toilet brush But I've used it that much that all of the bristles have come off. So now it's just like a stick What are you shit? A blue's just like a stick. What are you shooting at? A blue plastic stick. What? What are you? I've used it that much to scrub away the stems. What are you scrubbing at that you need to put that kind of arm work in the way?

It's not about quantity, it's about sort of repetitiveness. Oh right, you really go out to do it. I've had the bog brush for about 11 years. And have you ever cleaned the bog brush? I just swish it around in the water and then just leave it to dry itself. Oh, what about the residue in its little off for Christ's sake? I don't know what the fucking etiquette is with bog brushes. Are you considered posh for an ordinary?

Um, well, um... Yeah. You're posh, lad. For a sundown, you're posh lad. I think so, yeah. Yeah. I live like near the top of a hill That's what you mean can you mix easily with the scum and the posh in sundland? I had a conversation with the winter cleaner the other week. Yeah, that went all right It was the poshish person sundown. I suppose the person wants the Kentucky other other

other McDonald's something like that Probably the king in this and whoever that is yeah, you like he lives in Sunderland the king in this way. Well, it does He lives in like a penthouse on top of the factory. Really? Yeah. That'll be an interesting place to visit. But it's not, it's a different King every year, you know, like a city gets a mayor. Yeah. And the changes every year. The King and this one, change the Japanese, are it? No, it's just one of the lads that works on the always who is nominate. The King and his King. Oh Yeah. Oh, that's a lovely thing to penguin this year. Oh, as if that King penguin Can you respect the question please? I don't know ask your wife if she's gonna, you know, be a bit more civil in the future

Oh excuse me. She's giving you 37 weeks She bothers to write you think I write them. I don't the white No, I'm well aware who writes them bothers to write. You think I write them, I don't, the white stuff. No, I'm well aware, writes them. Andy, hit me, give me some instant bowl. Okay. Instant bowl. Models on billboards.

Instant bowl. Jackets leaves rolled up. Instant bowl. White woven loafers. Instant bowl. El elasticated bomber jackets Instant bull top down a manhole Instant bull there you go. That's a little evocation that I do on behalf of the Turkish tourists boss very good Hope that's enticed you've you've done them proud there

Can I just have a quick give of yes and all with you? Yeah go on. Yes and all Bob. Roll on deodorant. Yes. Spray deodorant. No. Robert Mugarbys abandoned Nickers. That's the beer yes. One out of three. Because they're abandoned. Yeah. I'd like to know the story behind that. Would you like to know where they were abandoned? Next week could you tell me the little story of how is Nickers? I'd really like to know. story behind that. Would you like to know where the next week? Could you tell me the little story of how is Nickas? How do you go? I've lost his Nickas.

I'd really like to know. OK. OK. We're definitely lacking on Dic-T-E-A-N-A-G-D-O-T. So on this podcast. It's time for gangs of the EPL. So, Mils replayed Tottenham a couple of weeks back at White Heart Lane. Yeah.

Undego and rebuild, and so that's nice, isn't it? They're turning it around us, something under, they're putting us sideways. I know I've seen an aerial shot of it, and I don't really understand it. They're turning it around or something under this putting a sideways. I know I've seen an aerial shot of it And I don't really understand it and you could glimpse you can't see because the new bit the building underground And then they're gonna rise it up when it's finished. Is that what we're pulling? Yeah, yeah Well, anyway, that's where I was and as usual I had VIP ticket because I was on that song dizzy, you know So I get there. It's everything. So obviously I went the players lounge afterwards. Now it's London, white art lens, pretty flashy in that. So I had alpha lobster with some baked beans and fried bread, yeah. Right. They even I'd wear it as Andy, like all in, everywhere it was in like fancy

dress, different, represent in a different countries and shit like that, right from around the world. Wasn't like when I went to, I remember going to Charlton and they just had hot dogs. Right. Anyway, that's better. Well, there you are, there's a contrast there, priorities, do you know what I mean? So, the bloke who serves me, he's got a poncho on, some braille, I suppose, self-American vibe or whatever, and he whispers to me it bends down to me and suddenly he says meet me in the lift in one minute I have powerful

news on the white hearts so like a bit Mexican that's what I was trying to do but self-American so I got the lift to meet him grabs me inside puts like a magnet thing on the door clothes button so it remains shut. So that's interesting isn't it? A bit scary? Well I knew there was, I was a bit cautious, you're big lad. You didn't think you were going to get your head kicked in. And his head spowed so I can't see his face on his punch line. Can I ask you on this point, who do you think you might be? How would you think he's going to turn up to be? Just have guess I know caranga no oh

No, all right. Well, you've come back to that and then he's probably gonna guess away. It's come plong I can't see his face. He says listen They are powerful forces at work Derby Ali has made an application to join the Walker and Rose overdrive, a new gang with a bent towards urban music and the street food scene. So, I hope he says Harry has found out and there is a showdown in the toilets in five minutes. So, what do I do? And like, you got the toilet top of your suite. Was this before the match after it after that? After the match, obviously. I've 530 cook-offs, it was quite a

lot. So anyway, I go straight to the toilet, get there ahead of it. Yeah. I hide in a cubicle. In the next cubicle, just so I'm popping in as I got there is a I talk ranker so I'm listening and I hear ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo argument this is how it goes. This is Harry Kern, right? So Debbie, what's this out here about you wanting to join the Walkroom Rose Overdrive? It's very upsetting and not very loyal of you. And Debbie says, feel the ferocious hate. Harry, oh fuck that Debbie, I'm not in the mood. I just want to know if it's true. He says, Debbie, look I don't want to leave the white hat. It's just that Walkroom Rose Overdrive, a bit more like with it, the lack street food and

urban music and 3D printing. Oh, we, oh, we ever do with you. We've got your mans, I'll send you play in the garden and help your mom cook. Look after your baby in that. Harry says, right, that's it. You have literally broken my heart with upset and I feel very jittery. I want your white hearts key ring membership card and special necklace that I want it back right now. Bang! My door opens. Harry, get out you quip. I apologize I say, look, I say I want to look at South American bloke, said I was going to, there was going to be trouble and I just wanted to help if there's any problems. Maybe I could be a go-al-between or something like that. Harry says,

this Mexican, did you look like this? South American bloke walks into the toilet, takes off his hat, Eric Daya, I've been set up. Eric said, you have been ambushed and now we will have the revenge for the nasty hurtful things you have said about the white hearts gang. They all say together, fail the ferocious heat. Then Debbie and Eric grab me right and Harry starts filling up the sink with warm water. Oh shit man, what's going on? Fresh, though. Fresh world. First, we are going to splat you with warm water, which you'll find very uncomfortable, a very uncomfortable feeling. And then I'm going to wash my face and throw unclean water at you. It will be full of germs and might give you a very nasty illness.

Suddenly, in walks Gaston Ramirez and Christian Stoani, both from Uruguay. Right. Right. Stoani says, there he is, that Jucca taking the piss out of South American culture and language. I see me chance. I say, look, can you want me? They're about to splash me with warm water

and unclean water as well. Harry says, you two don't scare us. I suggest you leave the area, I'll finish our food, we'll just heat. It's a bit of a standoff, but honestly, this is like a movie in walks, Alvaro and a grado. Now, he's a beast beast. Yeah. Is there a problem here Bob?

Fort. Harry. That's not fair bringing your grown up. That's just not fair. And he said, are you scared Debbie? Debbie says, yes, I want to go home. Can you start crying? Debbie, start crying. Are you scared, Eric? Eric says, yeah, I'm very scared. And he falls on the floor and puts his hands in his pockets. You know, Harry says, May 2, Nagredo, of our on a grade of says,

I think you need to apologise. So Harry says, we are very sorry for upsetting you Mr. Nagredo. We promise it will happen again. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r a gang and the grade of says yes I say what are you what are you called like and he says los umbral bastardo I say sorry what is that in English the dap the bastards so there's a burrigan as well I didn't know did you dap bastards yeah yeah Andy did you think that story was a bit

like the girl on the trend what the the wonder what the dog has wanted. No, we were down. Have you seen that girl on the train movie? No. Oh, I'd die. I saw no mccandro on a train once. No mccandro. The model. She got tits to spare and all that. Well, she was heavily pregnant, so yeah. I'll leave it at that.

Well, I'll leave her at that. I've spoke to Nicole Kidman once. Have you? Yeah, I was at the BBC doing... I think it was a... Like a Johnston Rochow, she was one of the guests. A dressing room was next to mine. She just by chance came out the dressing.

God, she's really tall. Really tall. And thin. And thin, but she's been photoshopped. Yeah, she's quite striking I suppose. Yeah, and she's quite striking, I suppose. Yeah. I didn't know what to say. So I asked her, I said, something like, you're staying in London, you're living in London

or whatever, and she said, yes, not wanting to talk to whoever. And then my pun to have a conversation was, is your local shop any good? And that was the only one. It's then the door, isn't it? That gangs of the APL thing that you do, it's cute and everything, but I suspect that some of it's made up. Whereas with the Secret Sock of Superstar that we have as an occasional guest on the show, he's definitely real. Well, I know that.

I tell you what, Andy, it isn't made up. Are you sure? It isn't made up Well, the secret so the superstar doesn't make it stuff up either and he's never mentioned again I never said he did all right. Well, he's here again this week. Talk. Okay, so I'll be listen So he's got to see it lots of footballers make a bit of extra money by doing Sponsorship stuff for big. The bonus cash you get can mean the difference between just driving a car or upgrading something better like a van. I used to have a deal with me local barber. If I hung around his barber shop every Wednesday afternoon, signing autographs and giving out dribbling tips, I'd get six free haircuts every

calendar year. I almost got another deal with a hat company at the same time, but it would have clashed with the barber deal so I'd turn it down. I was gutted. One of the best footballer mits has got a deal with a top top high street chemist. You know the one I mean? He puts a sticker with their logo on it in the back window of his car and now he gets 50% off all these tablets and the send him drops through the post in unmarked packaging and everything, well, there we go. That the murky world of sponsorship. Disguises ever, we still don't know who he is. Yeah.

Top top play, either. Is it Jimmy Husband? No, no, okay. Okay. I just, I'm gonna say this is by way of an admission. I wrote this down, right? It's just admission, I'm sorry. I wrote, hello, is it Bree or looking for?

Right, then I wrote down, hello, is it Guy or looking for? Right, then I wrote down, hello, is it three or cooking for? But I'm just saying, I'm sorry that I brought it into the podcast. You know what, that's all right. I expect some advertising agency will be stealing those lines and using them within the next few weeks. Hello, is it three or cooking for?

Clap like X-Factor, now I'll do it again. Hello, is it three or cooking for? There you go. Very good. I mentioned earlier, spirit on deodorants and roll on deodorants. You know them, spirit on deodorants that come concentrated, they're little, small cans. Smaller,

but more in them, apparently. Do you trust them? Well, think about your fruit juices, like your concentrated ones, and you're already mixed ones. I kind of believe in the principle of concentration, fruit juices like your concentrated ones. And you're already mixed ones. I kind of believe in the principle of concentration. I think this is super concentration, no, isn't it? I tell you what I think might be the problem with them is that I think I would still spray exactly the same amount.

I'm exactly the same as you. But there's also the fruit juices as well, which is super concentrated. The twice as strong so you're only meant to put half as much as you. You always put the same in. That was tears the same. Yeah. I don't know, I tend not to drink fruit juices because of your health. No, no, because of me, I'll prefer beer. Now, I've got an item that I was going to introduce this week, but I've we done too long already. Well, it's an item called, is it time to replace your fridge?

Right. Or I can go straight onto the Scottish. Oh, we're just going with that. Is it time to replace your fridge? That's awesome. Are you sure it's really dull? I'll be the judge of that. Well, unfortunately, the listeners might be and they might walk away in the

drums. So what I'm asking is, is it time to replace your fridge, yeah? Okay. It's just for you to look, to ponder and think, if any of these apply to you, it might be time to replace your fridge, right? Right. The first thing is, is your food often going off

before it's reached its use by date, yeah? All right, I've got onto this person. No, I'm just, this is, this is dull as this, yeah. All right. Because if this happens, it's a sure fire sign that your fridge isn't working properly. It could mean the thermostat's not working. It could mean your condenser coils are covered in dust

or it could mean your motor is working over time because the condenser coils are too hot. Okay, all right. So that's your number one is your food goingenser calls it too hot. Okay? Alright, so that's your number one is your food going off before it sells out there. Right. Now you realise how deeply dull it is, do you want me to go on to the water? I want more, yeah. Okay, is there a build up of water or ice on the walls of your fridge? Ah, have I that? You've had that? Yeah. Okay. You might be better replacing the fridge. If at any point you see a pool of water at the bottom of the fridge or water, the only thing I would say Andy is it can because

buying an efficient seal around your door. Yeah, I've had that as well. Do check that. Okay. Tick. Yeah, okay. Tick. I'm not going to carry on with this. And let's- Please, please. Please, please. Is that all for now? I'm going to see that for now. You can leave them hanging.

Well, not just- So just check that. Check if your food's gone past its use by the- It's getting not going off before that. Or whether you've got a build up of water on the sides or the base of the- of the- of the fridge. Okay. Where's this leading to? Not just I've just seen just so you might say

it's time to replace your fridge. Right. I'm not going anywhere with it. I'll trust this. Oh, for Christ's sake. The history of the island is rife with tales of strangers making it from the mainland and visiting its shores and meeting their untimely death. The last recorded instance of a mainland

visiting the island shores was in 1976 and this is the tale of what unfolded. Young Gavin McNeil was a trainee reporter for the West Island Express, a commutative newspaper for Malig Morah, L'Occaleit, Glen Phinon, Knucked Yatt and the Smaller Isles. He had particular responsibility for local and national sport. One day while strolling on the coast at Malig, eating an oat cake with a drink of powdered marvell milk dissolved in warm water. He came across a small green bottle washed up on the shore. Gatching has attention, he found inside a hundred note which red as follows. To whom so ever shall receive this note. My name is Young Walter Bannon. I am a sixteen-year-old and I live on the island that can be found using

the coordinates below. I am now allowed to leave the island. It is my belief that I am the greatest young footballing talent to have emerged from the west of Scotland since the great Willie Ball. You can find me every day, practicing my skills, doing it Wilbrook's Carmen, above Bongo Corve, as marked on the map. Intrigued by what he had read, young Gavin chartered a small craft and headed for the island.

How would you think he's going to get on? He's making his way across the city. I'm assuming he ended up dead. Ffff, let's find out. As the mainland disappeared from his sight, his boat was suddenly surrounded by a strange red and grey fish that leaped around the boat causing a whisper to be heard. Turn back, turn back. They seemed to say, but Gavin ignored the police for they were just red and grey fish, and their conversation

would not hold much coerther, eg at the ceremony, or educational seminar. Arriving at the cove, he was surprised to see a young woman resting on a rock. She wore a tight sage nylon bowels, and it was planned to see a plenty of surplus unused tit. And additional supplementary folds around her midriff to provide for grip and comfort when on board. His personal pipes stiffened slightly, but instantly relaxed as she spoke. I am the gatekeeper allocated to this cove. This is your first and last chance to leave without harm occurring. Turn away." But he ignored her advice as she was just a lassie with unused set and plentiful grip,

and as such her advice would nearly be taken as important, for example in a bookmakers or at an engineering conference. He followed the path upward, and from his vantage point could see a young boy playing football alone in the dust-thumps. For sure, his skills were unwildly. He would kick the ball high upward to a perfect vertical, and trap it on one knee before swiveling 360 degrees and burying it in a net. A line of five footballs were dispatched into the goal with the young man using only the

very tip of his heel to propel him. Gavin walked at a pace to order him. The boy juggled three footballs upon first his head and then by a combination of his shoulder and his personal pipe. As Gavin approached he shouted, Hey young Willie, how do you do? I'm Gavin. But his word stopped there and sudden. For when the boy turned toward him, what Gavin gazed upon killed him in an instant. For Willie had the face that was a combination of Benedict Gumbabach and Nicola Sturgeon. The face of Benedict Sturgeon. The face of Benedict Sturgeon. So, I was right.

What were you at? It was dull. Yeah, he died. But who warned him? There's a little quiz. Who tried to warn him? I don't know, I wasn't listening. So you weren't listening. Well, the Red and Grey fish tried to warn him. Right. Turnin' back! Turnin' back! Is this going to be a regular thing?

Or you test me afterwards about what's happened in the song? I do not, I always assumed you were listening and you know, that's a disappointment to me, especially as you criticise them. You know what I mean? I only hear the kind of the sort of tone of them. Yeah, I should put more into the accent, you know more. Why? I personal pipe was a gentleman. I do get a bit engrossed in them.

But that sort of find myself drifting off the distillery. I don't know, man. So let me just say once again, you know, like these live shows, these shambolic live shows, coming up sooner than people might think, and the only place they can possibly gain entry is via the various Twitter accounts that are shared. I thought it's an app that can be accessed. get an entry is via the various Twitter accounts my Twitter account that's it I thought it was a little bit because we'd love to see people there

and our website is what I thought it was a little bit of a minstalker information can we um there will be 90 people there no one there I suppose we'll still know about the tickets what we do we'll just be like this but in a bigger room

I suppose so we could get away with that I suppose well we'll see you there if you come please do but if not see you next time. Bye. Bye you