Athletico Mince - Ep. 46 - Democracy In A Capsule

Episode Date: July 14, 2017

More EPL holiday fun, Pierce Morgan meets Alan Brazil on a train, Bob has another crack at the South African tale, and we end with a beautiful duet... Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Andy, Andy, that is better than the side, because it's a little bit more hopeful, a little bit more joyous, do you know what I mean? But I've moved on since there, right? You feel me, you know what I mean? Really? So, I was wondering this week about the sounds of the traveling salesman, right? You know, loading his samples into the boot,

maybe wallpaper, the Marspan and towels or whatever. So think about, let's try a few of those, right? First up, give me the clatter of his diesel engine on start up as he leaves his car, the sack bound for Peter Brennan, his astro-estate.

No, I won't. No. All right. The hum of the hand dryer, hold on, here it through. The hum of the hand dryer at the services when he stops for the ginsers. Is it a good hand dryer or is it a substandard handry? Because there's no worse than a substandard handry.

It's a substandard because it's a service. Is it want to do that noise? That was a little bit like a distant ship leaving port, which I like, which I like to have a new life on the desert island. Oh, how about... What's that someone dying? Death throttle, isn't it? The death throttle.

The slam of his car door, all right? As he's turned away from yet another light industrial unit on the Alpscurtza brain tree. Bang. Bang. Bang. Yeah, it's a bit ominous, that's his will. I'll tell you what, I'll stick with your clown one,

do it again. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh No underneath. Yeah, I like you've just been removed from the set of a dexies midnight runners video. Why are you so angry? I mean, I'm like, well, you're wearing a red t-shirt that says, I am trapped on it. It's a real arm. It's so I feel. And you've got your digital watch on with the calculator and it as well. Yeah, it's very proof useful from time. Is that a JQ or something?

Was it a telly underwear? No, a top gear magazine. Top gear magazine about that from. But listen up Andy, it is really sweaty in this studio. It's not six foot by eight foot. Are you going to get in a sweat on and stinking and that? Probably will do by the time we finish. I mean, pick a linda wipe for something.

I haven't. Hey, if I need to go to the toilet during this, what's the procedure? Do I put me hand up? Yeah, put your hand up. Yeah. Just put me hand up. Can I interrupt you during a sentence if I really need to go and test myself? No, one hand up if you need a way, wait, two hands if you need a Todd. Right. All right. Did you say that fella in Sunderland that was in the news this week? Todd, the Todd, the Todd, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the tunnel and train station. Yeah. Todd, did he do just want to?

No, he did three separate ones and three separate occasions. What on the, twice on the platform and once on the left. But in the same time, you know, like, and the same journey. No, no, different dates. All right, because I was going to say three Todd's early, early morning. Yeah. But, um, and that photograph of him on CCTV where he looks is that like someone who just realises the CCTV camera looking at him after he's totted in a lift, but they've

arrested him. Have they? Do you know his name is Todd? No, he's not. Todd Machine? No, it's not. No, it's not Andy. I tell you what though, a morning Todd, if he did him in the morning, is always a loose

to Todd our fan than an evening to pens what you have evening to put in. I'll tell you what though, a morning Todd, if he did him in the morning, is always a looser Todd our fan than an evening. Depends what you have evening Todd. No, I just think they're looser in the morning. The morning habits. Hey, talking about, you know we talked about travel and servicemen. That's what my dad did for a living. Is it?

Foxes biscuits. Right. I'm just talking. That's an easy sell on it. Foxes biscuits. Well, at the time it wasn't, you know, this had, this is before the golden crunch and the cream crunch and them, you know, which I think that's when foxes biscuits really took off. They were in the pump then weren't they?

You know, like they do the rocky crunch cream, the echo, that sort of thing. They also on golden wonder crisps, I think. Did they? He always had a lot of crisps in his steak here. Right. So that would have been something else though. You might have been doing the side line. Moonlight and yeah.

Do you have a favour at Fox Biscuit? Do they do shop bread biscuits? They do a shop. Well do you know Fox invented the sports biscuit? I know you're up there and I suspect this is going to appeal to you. Yeah. The party ring.

Yeah. You know how nice, Biscuit. I love the party ring. Yeah, pink one. Yeah, pink one on each finger. Beautiful biscuit. Well, that's foxes. So, that's that taking care of. Have you got a name for us? Yeah, Mickey Dresskulls, you first choice. Right. Which is constantly in Western fan. Yeah. Yeah. Forty-toast and lives with his man. He only speaks to one Friday's when they do the big shot together. Yeah. It's a resonant really so far.

Twenty-six stone. Right. He's on the disability for his bad back yeah and he's written the word trapped in bio on his tracksuit buttons do you like some of them I'm liking him Paul Silverton yeah not his real name sounds like a goger his real name's Johnny Mangor right he's got bleach blonde side part in Birvitan powder blue powder blue V-neck, white skinny jeans and humbot boots, right? He gets a right knack on when he's pissed, yeah? And he flogs the odd Ritlin pillier in there that he nicked off the stepkids.

Do you like, he sounds like a bastard. All right, you know what I mean, then. He doesn't say what I'm wanting. All right. I just say he sounds like a bastard. He damn Keith. He's a small spherical head with a red first andam Keith, he's a small, spherical head with a red first in yellow teeth.

He's a biteer, yeah. Usually found in the book, he's by the red lion or on Lafayette Street in Paris. He's famous for talking, he's slacks in his own book boats. And he has one of those machines that Shaggy will have shared. And he has one of those machines that Shaggy will have shared. So is it A-Dam Kade, a little bastard Paul Silver, or Mickey Dresskel, cut it in my spare. I've got to be a top-case, I'm a fritt.

A-Dam Kade? Uh-huh. I'm sorry that everyone is listening to this, but yeah, I'm going to be a Dam Kade. All right. You know what I heard? What did you hear? On the chaube on the way here in London. Is this observation coming?

It's not. This fella actually said this sentence that I've never heard it before. I've seen hundreds of trace surgeons. Oh. How do you follow that up? How does anyone get the say hundreds of trace... He was about 25. Yeah.

How's he seen hundreds of trace surgeons? That is a good question. I was trying to explain that he's made. It's one of the best trace surgeons in the business. business. As in, I've seen hundreds of trace urgence but Adam K is up there with the best but the trouble with his mate was he hasn't got any paper skills. All right, so I just listen. So you'll do a great job on your trade body, probably call you a dick. I was a trace urgence for one day. Oh god, here we go. No, no, it's not a curse of a musical. Was it on a law budget documentary on a satellite channel? No, we chopped a fucking big branch,

help a tree, and it fell into the next star's garage. That's why it was on your day. Police call. Were you legitimate? What do you call a police, Rosas, fellas, pigs? You call them coppers. What do you tell your children about the coppers? I ever told them anything, really. So what do they think about these blocks?

You haven't explained to them that way. They've never seen them. They've never seen the coppers. What do they live under the stairs or something? Well, there's no coppers around anymore. Yeah, they're my kids Dominic and Bradley. Before we go any further, shall we mention that we're doing some live shores next week

in case anybody wants to come and see us? Yeah, of course an old sold out in Bristol, isn't it? Bristol sold out, that's Thursday. Wednesday night we're in Brighton, I've heard the weather's going to be lovely, so come along with that and get indoors out of the lovely weather and see us. And then Friday night we're in Leicester at the YMC year. Yeah, well that'll be good. There's still thousands of tickets available.

Thousands, tens of thousands of tickets. But what for a straight to me Andy is you and I both know it's a, it's regards to the podcast, it's the best comedy show out there. It's better than the podcast. But there you go. It's a visual, a visual element to it that you just can't do on a podcast. And seeing your fucking gut in your tits, atty in the flesh. In that trax it, you just can't do on a podcast and see in your fucking gut and your tits I see in the flesh in that trax it you made me wear that really really take trax it you ordered me to wear that gets you to the first

20 minutes done it well exactly just the revolution and the the the joy yeah of watching that it's like Well, yeah, that's so that's next Thursday Friday Wednesday that Wednesday Thursday, Bristol, don't try and come to that sort of Friday night, lester. Friday night, lester, lester. I went to lester not so long back. It's a really nice town now. I used to live there. Yeah.

And it went so good that when I lived there back in the early 80s. Perhaps the book that I made isn't once you've gone. MUSIC Wife's question, Andy, if you're interested. All right, go on then, yeah. Sunderland. Oh, hello, Andy says the wife. Hello, the yeah. Sunderland, oh, hello Andy, says the wife. Hello the wife.

Sunderland is a dream destination for many foreign tourists and lovers of architecture, which is your favourite must-see attraction in Sunderland. The care of Seon-Wessington Way, yeah? Oh, she's done some research. Yeah, I've been on Wikkey. The premier in, with its dark brown cladding, or the primerark at the

bridges centre with its bright red chewed or influenced oryle window. What was the question? The purpose of the question? Which is your best your firm. My favourite architectures. I'd have to say the primark. That big record. It's in Hansth High Street West. I'd have to say the prime arc, it's in Hans' High Street West. That's the area of High Street West where a decompose and seagull almost fell on me head, one day. But that's a different style. Just landed in front of me by about two feet. If I'd been one stride further ahead I would have had a decompose and seagull.

Well, that's a shit. Blue out of a tree on a windy deer. It obviously died in the tree. And then strong gust of wind blew it out right in front of us. Well I'm going to say that that's a shit story because I'm going to say it's a sort of similar interest to saying that you know that crash rich at Amandad. Yeah yeah if I if that crash had happened in Kent I'd have been really near it. Right. So I'm just saying. It's a bit like the other week when there was that London Bridge terrorist attack.

Yeah. Because we're quite near London Bridge, aren't we? We're very near, yeah. Well, that's what I said to me daughter. I says, God, that's near where I do the podcast. And she says, do you do the podcast on the bridge? I said, no. She said, well, then. And fuck you, dad. Yeah. I tell you that. That was quite good for me. And I had the London Bridge, which of course I'm not laughing

at our own thing. But if you lived out on a year, you do that. Oh God, I've been in that place. Oh, yeah. I've been in there, whatever. Well, I was in hospital just next to London Bridge for me. How was your health by the way? Oh, you're asking, are you?

Keep a brief. It's fine, actually. Carry on. Carry on. Carry on. Carry on with the story. Carry on with the story. So with the story, I was in hospital quite near. Keep a brief. It's fine actually. Carried blood pressure is a bit low, so I just have a pint of water and some crisps for an hour. Alright, carry them with a story. So with the story, I was in hospital quite near. Yeah. And, um, an incredibly famous person came to visit me. Soar fair must have come, I don't get a fuck about mentioning people, I can't mention this one.

And bought me some porn mags. Right? And I don't like that sort of thing. And me wife took them, she visited and she took them away from me. And she got rid of them in the bin just at the corner London Bridge station. So when we were watching the footage, it was, you know, it was a little reminder that life goes over. It was shocking, but it was also to say, look, that's the bin where you put the porn mags in. okin? My okin's porn mugs Bigger bigger than kin Bigger than kin Sir I promise you Lionel Blair?

Fuck off Andy No Lionel Blair wouldn't come to see me Dan sent to me room when I've added out a tag Wipes question number two when you're strolling around Sunderland drinking your blue drink and pushing your pram full of dog food, do you ever stop to think, oh look who you are to live in a town where M.M. Airfighter Ross the real deal Pearson was born? Do you ever stop and think, wow, I'm coming from the same town as Ross. How do you know that I'm not Ross the real deal?

What was it? I just want to look at you. Do you know what I mean? You're a physical wreck. I've never heard of Ross the real deal. What was it? I just want to look at you. Do you know what I mean? You're a physical wreck. I've never heard of Ross the Ring. So is the answer yes or no? These are questions. Yeah, I'll say yes. But perhaps I'm moving things along. Third could file a question. Is it true that in your fungalore you are never more than a meter away from a blue drink or a chicken dipper. That is true, yeah. That's a denied. That's probably on Google Earth. That was it. You want to search that one?

Your house is none but Google Earth. There's just a void there. Yeah. Just a game. A black circle. Do you want to do some? I do want me to do that. I've got some questions for you from Bradley and Dominic. My boys. Oh yeah. What? Do you mind if, can you ignore it if as you ask the questions, I said, I should back out things like an American. Go on, whatever makes you happy. Bob, do you think, Oh yeah.

Do you think we'll all be eating insect one dear? What will it take? Endorsement by a major celebrity, IE, Beyonce or Michael Bolton. I know a lot of the world, isn't it? Some like a fifth of the world already dung on the insect. They do, and there's very, very proling heavy apparently, the insect. I'm imagining a time when we'll grand them down into a powder, pull it in a drink and we'll flog it to the fuckers down the gym. Yeah.

So that's fine. If you, if you answer. Thank you. Oh yeah. Bob, have you ever met the crankies? And if so, do you think they're happy with the path of chosen for themselves? I've never met the crankies. Interesting.

Do you know what? I don't think I'd want to. No. I don't think I'd want to. It's all a bit much for me that kind of thing. Do you think they're a bit full on? Do you think they're trying to involve you in some of the things they're in? Well, if you want to, if you want to invest to get deep into the Google and the internet, I think you'll find out that there are

some quite extraordinary stories about the crangies, but I'm not willing to go into it. You wouldn't want to get into that. All right, fair enough. Bob, as a millionaire with a keen interest. I'm not millionaire. Here you are. With a keen interest. Oh yeah. F***. F***.

With a keen interest in playing the stock market. Yeah. Would you have been prepared to buy shares in a company if it was ran by a twat? Well, a lot of the smaller companies are run by a twat, but when you say twat, you mean someone like you don't you? Just a fucking nerd who well, pizza shits are. Oh yeah! Well I believe they all are run by a twat, so yeah, singing a bothered, I'm absolutely a bother. I suppose it's like twats. No, twats peep, twig, twig, treat, treat,

peep, like twats and the Met squeeze money out of the world, I don't know. Well you buy shares and that. Okay fine, one more, one more. It's Friday night, it's the end of the week. You've got a hard week doing whatever the fuck it is. Oh yeah! Friday night, would you opt for a Chinese or an Indian?

Friday night. Friday night. Indian, an Indian Monday through the Sunday. Yeah. To be honest with you. That's not the takeaway of me, that's the nationality of the servant who brings you your haters slippers and switches on your mobile disco for you. I am a blood nut. Oh yeah. No, I'm on the plate. That is excellent. Ding dong man, Lord here. Ding Ding dong I'm afraid I'm going to have to remove your lounge carpet. I need it to park my Audi on. Ding dong, landlord here. I've asked your post to be diverted to my casino so me and me mates can laugh at all the shit and debt you're in. What? What?

McLaren. God, Steve McLaren, you might remember a left Steve, can I got a toilet? No. We left Steve on the train for Manchester. Feel free to say, oh yeah, anytime, Joe, unless, we left Steve on the train for Manchester with Casper on another train, Owen Vaness,

and our fault, we're pretty exciting, did you? Yeah, it was alright. I'm going to tell you about that side of the story next week, right? Because I want to tell you about someone else that happened on the train, right? I went back to the first class carriage to see what Pius Morgan was up to. Right, a bit fascinating. Turns out we sat with Alan Brazil. Oh, I didn't say before when I passed through,

because he was in the shitter. You know, one of those machines that shagged, right? Yeah. So I sit behind and so I can listen in. P.S. says, So Alan, P.S. says, what is voice like, oh, so Alan, is he not baling on on, is he? He's so Alan, do you think women are thick?

He said, I'll just do that. That's fair enough. Yeah, I suppose they are a bit thick, but listen, Pierce, they aren't that feasy on the ice, so that's okay by me. Right? Pierce says, that's so perved, York. Who's the thickest woman you've ever met, though?

Jesus, I can't eat, see, I've met so many thick ones. And you've eaten so many foreign one these days, don't you? And well, I can't he say I've met so many thick ones and you've eaten so many foreign one these days don't you? And well, I can't he tell if they're thick or just being difficult right Pius says I've got a big soft fat ass Alan would you like to mold your hands into it? See if you win a prize Tommy Walsh the Lerbera had to go any found a pasty. I know I'm okay, son, listen, who's your favourite ape? Is it... Is it thousands ape, cheetah?

Bubbles the chimp, a Caesar from the planet of the apes. Pia says I like Caesar best because he's outspoken, right? Alan, and Pia, you're incredibly outspoken when it comes to arsenal. Do you still want Venger out? Or does that not feel outspoken enough now? P.S. says, well, I'm thinking of pretending I want Tony Pullis's manager. That's pretty outspoken, I reckon.

He's woo-ho-ho-don't-tiger. That is straightened beyond belief. It's almost litigious. P.S. says, well, that's what I'll go for then. He say, zero, zero I'll go for then. He say Jiro Jiro had a go on me ass. He found a couple of walnuts and a scotch egg. Alan says go on now I'll have a pork about. So Pius puts a newspaper on the table to catch the sea pitch and presents his big cloud of an ass to Alan. Alan dives in and they and

guess what he found. What you found? B Bingo always says, a nice leg of lamb. Oh, nice in it. Jackpot. Pia says, yeah, it's pre-bested as well. Tell your wife to slow cook it on a gas map for if she can read numbers. And then both laugh and Alan waddles off down the toilet to get back on his machine.

He's so, that's a nice little dab of it. That was done, isn't it? And I think they were staying my car and all, isn't it? No, but you know, it was a side story. He doesn't get off until we get right up to the northwest. So I had to fill right, page into it, because I don't know what's happening with Casper, do I? I'm thinking we should, is that the end of that bit?

Yeah. I'm thinking we should do some like side podcasts, say things that aren't like this but are like this. Right. Like I got a new Iain last week. Right you'll. And I reckon we could do a solid half hour on mine, you're weighing if we have to. What's all is it? It's a brawn. Is it, but is it steam or steam? Yeah. It uses up a lot of water quite quickly. So you've got to keep ray fill in it but a really good sort of constant stream of steam. Has it got a separate reservoir thing? No you've got to pour it into the actual line. Yeah. So you've got to keep going back at the tap. I was just going to say,

you're happy with the capacity of it. I am. I probably get about 20 minutes solidying in and out of it before I've. I probably get about 20 minutes solid, I in and out of it before I've got to fill it up again. That's all right, keeps me on the move, keeps me, keeps me trim. Yeah. So that was that. So we could do.

Did the sweat ever fall on your tits on the eye? Well, I do. I am topless, yeah. So it does, I mean, it doesn't, I am topless. I imagine you in a cloud of steam, and the year there's going to be some shade coming off, you know, some powerful, powerful image, powerful, powerful, powerful, so we could do a podcast about nine year, we could do a podcast about my new way in.

We could do a podcast where we go to a scrap yard and have a look about. I'd like to do that. Or we could watch some demolition getting done. I like the scrap. Yeah, I got that. Yeah. And we didn't have you with the scrapped yard, people.

Yeah. I've often already went to view the people down the dump, the town dump. That's a good one, I've got that. I've got their say some stuff, though, right? Yeah. You know I'm putting that up. Yeah, go on Sorry, Andy, I just like, you know, pensioners, very devious at town dumps. So when I park up at mine, I park up and I like watching the pensioners coming out, and you

can see them, they're clearly it's not how I sold rubbish. You know, it's come some kind of fucking uranium, the script of the train, Trane Settles and you know they're really what because they're from that generation are really worried about it and sneak it in and like fucking do anant break turn and get out. Hey you're dumb, do they ask you what you've got on the way in? Well there's not enough staff to ask everyone so it's a question of time and right if you can nip in going someone who's beeninced. So you say a young man with his like brass curtain rail or something and they're on him like fucking flies around whatever And that takes them away from you Right or a lady comes in with an electrical item and they say

Well separates gifts completely separate area of what terrible that area of made you should be shamed of yourself and they walk them up to that area because they like to tell them over and over again how they chose the wrong area yeah and that can give you a gap to get it. I think it's because they're a woman as well you think they like to be around the women. Maybe it's maybe that's part of it. I mean you can certainly dominate and it's someone at a town dump they are very much the bosses. Yeah. What do you say Gorsh. It's amazing how passionate you can get about a god in the dump center. I really want to get rid of this.

But they've had a town you've picked stuff out with a skip and took it all with you. Oh, you do what you go around the streets, picked stuff out of the skip and then take it to the dump. No, no, no, no, the skips where you dump the stuff. Is that what was something near the top of the 12th oven? Is there Andy Rayley these days? Yeah, desk.

I think we've become very skip conscious as a nation. Do you know what I mean? Is that what's something near the top of the earth oven? Is there Andy Rayley these days? Yes, desk. I think we've become very skip conscious as a nation. Do you know what I mean? Hmm. The next one's quite long at the end. I bet you we go. Oh yeah! At any point.

Okay. But it's best to do it when I'm you we go. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. At any point. Okay. But it's best to do it when I'm speaking, right? Well, it's time to go back to the island of Sardinia and report on the antics of the footballers there, holidaying at the luxury fort of village. Shall we do the introduction? Because it's gangs of the O.O.O. Yeah. of the O.O.O. Yeah! So I'm up early because I'm old. I've only the first on the VIP section of the beach

and they sit down under a brolly, pretend to be reading a book on the subject. Right. Yeah. What subject? No, I just pretend to be reading a book on the subject. Right, not subject. No, I just pretend to be reading a book on the subject. Any subject? Yeah. I have a look around Phil Jones is there on his own under a beach umbrella. The problem is he obviously doesn't have to work it because he's not sat in the shade of the umbrella. You know, he's just near it. Idiot. So I feel sorry for him. So I go over pretending and I'm staff and I say Oh, hello sir, would you like this Broly put on the special superhero setting? So he goes yes, please Then I know this is bottle of sunblock his mom's written on it Phillips special sunblock boy

I put any on Andy sort to encourage him I say wow sir. You've got the special SAS in Furnall sunblocker I didn't know there was any even any supplies of that left in the world. You should use that. So he likes the sun block, SAS and that. Oh yeah. So he picks it up, takes off the lid and puts it to his mouth. I said, no, no, no, no, sir, don't drink it.

Look, would you like me to do it for you? Yes, please. So I start applying it. And over to me left I see a couple of little blocks and cowboy hats opening up the boat pedal or, you know, the area? Yeah. And the spurs gangered with them.

And they've hired a little, the hire in a little dinghy with a little mortar on it. So I, it's like, side-lover and like, have a little paddle near them. You know, just a, I'm being nausey, Andy. Right. Basically. You know, just to, I'm being nausea, Andy. Right. Basically, you know, you're wearing a Nespania, right, 1982 top.

I am, yeah. That's the spin. I was at that club. Well, the club. And we were the most beautiful beach I've ever been on, which is a place called Algarta, the Bill Bauer. And it was a cold, completely empty beach that was just us.

And so our little game was, and it was one of the nicest memories from me life, is yet to take turns, right, to put on these very big white underpants that one of us must have had. And then you had to run right on the shoreline, past the all the rest of them, as we chanted, Gandhi, Gandhi, Gandhi, Gandhi. Oh, it's such a lovely memory. Anyway, so I'm at that shoreline, but you know, just, Gandhi. Gandhi. Oh, it's such a lovely memory. Anyway, so I'm at that shoreline, but you're not just listening in. Harry's got his captains at on, his spur shorts, picnic amper, and a frozen the movie

life jacket. Right, right. Debbie's wearing a little blue and white Hawaiian skirt with a bell on the end of each strand, right? He's orange, carbon fiber flip-flops with built-in LED fit bit, yeah? Blue and white waterproof chest belt with Bluetooth display and printer, yeah? Erics wearing a shirt and trousers, he's got a carrier bag, right? So Harry, he's up to some it. Light gang, it's time for you to listen to my safety talk before we get in the boat.

Also he's doing a talk, aren't they? Good for him. However strong a swimmer you are, you must remember that the ocean is very unpleasant, hidden dangers such as strong unsettling currents, sharp rocks and upsettingly dangerous creatures such as jellyfish and crabs. Debbie, even the name jellyfish is upsetting and foreboding makes me feel quite jittery and sugary like a dustbin man has just walked over my grave. Harry says, are you listening Eric?

He says, sorry boss, I was looking at the sand. So is that why you're going to sit at the hospital when you're in A&E with a crab bite that you didn't listen to the safety talk because you were looking at the sand. Honestly, it begs belief. Debbie says, honestly Eric, it's boys like you, that's about to nothing. It's almost like you was hurting. You feel me. Harry carries on. Now for this reason, you must wear your life jacket in the dial time. So put them on. Now Debbie this reason you must wear your life jacket in doll time so put them on. Now Debbie has that accustomized life jacket, it's snakeskin effect. Right, nice. Nice. Nice. With like sea creature themed buckles and a strapsle dispenser.

Right, sea horse. Yes, sea horse. Nice. That's sort of thing. Little sea snake. Grab. That cuts can of stuff. That was quite expensive for each button to be different. Oh yeah. For Bollower. For Bollower. But Erics forgot to bring his life jacket. So both I only packed shirt and trousers.

I didn't realise anything. Right, well go and ask the Spanish man if he has a life jacket. But they look over to the boat I have bit and the blocks aren't anywhere to be seen. Well, this is put to damper on things and made me feel quite upside down. I'm sorry, Eric, but if I let you come on the dinghy, I would be a hypocrite and that would be very burdened some for me. Debbie, I'm afraid you're going to have to play with Philip Jones. Come on. So they march them up to where Phil is and I wonder about me of them. Harry says hello Philip would you like to play with Eric Philip? Yes please. Eric says I'm thinking of counting the sand. Do you want to help Phil? Yes please. So the Lee Varick will fill and as the walk away I know this Eric open his carrier bag and

pull out some beers. And also in the bag, I see a little glimpse of a life jacket. And I say that Eric has a massive grin on his first, he offers fill a beer. Yet they. So he's up to something. He has a life jacket all along. He's in your lab, but yeah. Well, it seems like Debbie and I didn't see. Then suddenly, so Debbie and I are set off in the seat. They get about 50 yards out with their engine packs up. Debbie tries to restart it, but it's clearly out of petrol. And suddenly, out of nowhere, comes one of them banana boards.

You know them. Big yellow fuckers. At massive speed and the way that it creates, throws Debbie out with a dinghy. Now Debbie's crocodile effect life jacket instantly dissolves. It's just a piece of shit, like a deadweight round a show. Debbie, help me boss. I can't swim when people are watching. Harry opens this picnic box and throws a baguette out to Debbie. Grab onto this long bread. Debbie does but it just quickly turns to mush. You know what I've read

does. So, so I read that text of his captain's hat and uses it as a little paddle, right? It's just about got next to Debbie when the banana boat comes past again and it's where it throws Ari into the water. He starts splashing about, but his life jacket keeps him afloat, right? Grab onto me, Debbie. Math lotation device will be our savior. Debbie grabs onto him. How upsetting is this boss? Ari says very. It's a good job.

I was sensible enough to use a BSA approved life jacket and not one from Camdenfucking Market. Sorry, boss. Says Debbie. Well, as they're slowly doggie puddle. Oh, yeah. Back to the shore. The banana boat pulls up next to them.

It's the two blocks from Botaia, yeah? They take off the shards and cowboy hats. Oh, and might have guessed it's Sandi Kazzolo and Mateo Zell from the Piki Gunas. Sandi, here guys, you feel the furorches heat. Ha ha ha ha. So sorry, your dingy had no petrol. You want to get unbanana bowl, have a fruity ocean party.

What you say, Ozil? Y'all gooners, eat my horse. Suntie, you want banana party, farting trip? Debbie, yeah, that will be nice. No, thank you, says Harry. We would rather swim than get on that picky-goon and ship bucket Sandy so yourselves there's always a party on Santa's banana and off the

gold then too well Harry's lost his cap is picnic the very slowly yeah this but oh that's all gone back to the beach when they've get there they both fall on the backs exhausted with the sun beating down on them. Well, you know what's going on, don't you? I got a clove. Suddenly, at least chinsets on fire. And he starts slapping at the in agony. Moments let a full and Eric

and next to him pissing on his head. What are you doing? Oh, shit, that's Sting's worth and damn water. Can you stop, please? Phil says it's things worse than dam water can you stop please? Phil says it's the best cure No, I'll just full speak Charlie william. Don't know it. It's best cure when you have been bitten by jellyfish Debbie he hasn't been bitten by a jellyfish you have which is chin set on fire in the hot sun So we boss Harry right that says I'm going to the medical center to get some ointment this is all very distressing and I feel mega crummy. Come on Debbie.

Enough there go right. So that's nice isn't it? It's a lovely story though. It's a little bit of a poor script. Go on, you're interested. Eric and Phil got pissed off the tits right and went into town with Sam with santi Phil added off with an old woman Right and caught crabs which is ironic in it and I warned them about crab or crabs so that's interesting isn't it? It is Good story that thank you. Did you think it was a little bit like Dead calm If you see that film.

No, I haven't seen that film, sorry Bob. Oh, right, it is a bit, well then I'll watch that film about it. It's a film, I think it's got Nicole Kidman on it where she's on a board. And it's marooned in the middle of the ocean. It doesn't sound very similar. Oh well, I think it is, if you've not seen it, that's for me to say.

How have you got a favourite sort of tape? I mean, cello tape, packing tape, gaffer tape. I like masking tape. Masking tape, so that's in it. Yeah, you can use that for a lot of things. I like duct tape as well. Duct tape. I like to wrap that around my leg. What for? Just for the weird feels. When you're injecting hell of it. Just for the weird feels. And then when you just pull it off,. When you're injecting heroin, just for the fucks, the weird feels.

And then when you just pull it off, and it pulls all the hairs out, it's the stickiest of all of the tip back and think of. Literally the stickiest in it. So we're going to be fidukting then. We're 20 and a two, what's going on? We're going to agreement on that. I'll talk about the first.

Yeah, okay. Okay. Hey, I saw three fellas sitting on a park bench before I came into the studio today. This isn't a tree-fuller's jok, is it? Three fellas sitting on a park bench, all three of them wearing glasses, all three of them meeting in bag of crisps. Right. Now I couldn't work out whether that was a real thing or whether it was like an art installation

because this is London's that could have been either. Did you say they were wearing the same clothes? No, they all wore glasses, spectacles yeah yeah column down here yeah and they all were eating a bag of crisp pictures 27 million people eat a bag of crisp every day in this country and yeah right and also 14 million adults were spectacles or what are the other three of them been sat together on a bench? Pretty remote, I would have said. How about this? 16 to 1? Wouldn't you think about 16 to 1? Fair enough. Do you want to predict any one to go up from the championship? Because we did quite well last year, although they're just failed.

What you did, I didn't get anywhere near. I'd like to predict Sunderland to go up. You think I'm out? I haven't got a clue, but he's trying to get players in on the shape. Yeah. And I think when a manager does that, gets them in on the shape, it's like he knows something about them, he's got a bit of insider knowledge. Yeah. How about why they'll be good? Right.

So it's either that or it's a destroy an exit thing. So there's a toss of a coin in it. Yeah. So I'll go for Sunland. Well, I'll go Bristol City. Really? Yeah. All right, so that's that done. Any, any reason why? Well, they got a lot of dosh. Did all right, the beginning of the

lassies and lost the way. I think they'll, I think they'll, yeah, I'll fancy them for top six. All right, okay. I mean, a lot of people will say wolves, but you know, anyway, so let's crack on. Anyways, let's crack on here. Hey Andy, have you ever noticed how squeaky the chairs are on the back seats of airplanes? I-I have you noticed that? Yes. I keep thinking me brass and needs oiling. I go through about a pint of peasants and oil before take off. I have noticed that. Do you remember Scottat Leeds Andrew? Yozili Black, good thick wire. Try putting one of them in with your brass

and eh. Yes. Have you ever noticed how jocular butches are and you have your notice, have you noticed that? Always got a clever remark ready. Oh look, here comes the cunt with a brass and very funny, very funny. Yes. Have you ever noticed fruit flies? If you have an artist flying around, you're rotting fruit, yeah? Like macoms around a KFC breast. You swat at them and your brass and comes off and smashes your big bang theory fruit bowl. How do you deal with fruit flowers and they... I swam away. You have no...

You know, I've... I swam away and they don't come back. Of course they come back. They're stupid. A lot of people put cling film over a cup, don't they? Put vinegar in the bottom. They go in through the little oil, but they can't fade. It is quite effective.

You put a little... You put cling film over a cup at the top. you don't like if you're using a microwave, it's a Mac piece, the lid. So you piece the cling film once. Right. The fruit fly has crawled in. Do they? But they don't know the way out.

It's very elaborate way of catching. What do you do after that then, just sprinkle them on your dinner? Laugh at them. Use laff at them. They'll laugh at them. Throw the cling film. Yeah, I put my mouth really near it.

Ha, ha, ha. Power fruit flies. Hey, listen, I've got some business ideas again. I'm going to try and pitch to you. Give it a try. Get some money out here. This is your millionaire and all that. Right. It's a festival. Yeah. Right, but everyone's on horseback. Right. All entirely of it. Oh yeah. Do you have any questions? No questions,'m in. Great! I've got a backup

one as well while I want to roll here. Chicken Latte. Yeah it's like a Latte but it's got chicken in it. So what are my say? Milk and chicken. Well, try and imagine cream of chicken soup. Yes, I'm imagining that. But with a couple of shots of espresso in. So coffee, cream and chicken. Yeah. And my head's spinning over the horseback festival. So I'm sort of counting and considering. Look, it's set up a van. I'm out of the horseback festival. It sounds alright. Obviously the van counter would have to be higher than usual because it's got to be horseback height, isn't it? So we'll let the building entirely new van.

It's gaffled in that. And then it would be need to be nice. Oh, but if the one bricks couldn't work. Well, you wouldn't want people seeing into the fucking cops would you? No. You know what I mean? Not until it's too late.

So it's too late. Because I, yes, for that as well. I will back it to the hill with the horseback first rice and I'll give you a plot for free to flog your chicken, coffee and milk drink. Is it a drink or a soup? It's a drink. It's a drink. Put down as a drink.

Put down as a drink. Hold the hot and it's a kind of business that's run by a twat so you could invest in it as well, couldn't you? Are you going to finish off as well, couldn't you? You get a train finish off that South African one from last week? I could do it. I think you should, yeah. Where is it? A lot of people are being asking because they want closure.

Okay, so just to catch up and kiss, speak with them here. I was staying at this big right hotel that's in the middle of nowhere, it's like a reserve. You get your own little hut. There's a central area there that's basically sells fucking ostrich for their breathest lunch and tea, right? So I pick up me a dish of ostrich, I think I'll go back to it, I don't want it's really sweatier, I'll go out and have it outside me hot or whatever. But when I get to me hot, the hate from the hot is like all empowering, it's like right, the entirety of a power democracy in a capsule. What? It's, you know what I empowering. It's like, right? The entirety of a power.

Democracy in a capsule. What? You know what I mean? It's just too fucking much. Democracy in a... Now next to me hooked, there's this big tarpaulin, like on poles, under which there's some crates and that. Like a temporary thing, not a building, you know what I mean. But I thought it might be a bit cooler than me hooked. That was like a fucking oven to be honest with ya.

So I get into the shelter and there's a block in the corner I ain't seen, right? But I'm too embarrassed just to walk straight out. So I sit down on a box. He comes up and he says, here we go, go for it. Say a defrecar. Which is Yara Cumberdick?

Oh, come on, again. Shit. Which is Yara come a dick? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Which is your to come a... I can't help you. I can't do it. I can't do it. Sad after the car. You can see it.

So the fringering of it. Which is your to come? Just do it like that. I can't do it like that. Which is your to come a fucking hell. He says, which is your accommodation? I love to carry on. So I point to me hut. And he says, is your accommodation I love to carry on so a point to me hurt and he says I'm going to rub I'm going to rub I'm going to fucking

rub the shit out of it nearly nearly go daily go like hold on what you mean? Oh yeah. I said that's a bit unexpected. Shout your English mouth. I'm a mother fucker. You see anything? I'll ram this saddington up your anus. The head of small-tailed security arrives right? He's pointing a rifle at the blog and he shouts at me. Get out of temporary shelter he's a fucking gangbanger so I back out right and run into me hot few minutes later the head of scouting bangs on the door you're a case I say oh guy hey do you know he was gonna ram a sadine Tim up ten up me ass would he really have done that you barely would he staffed the previous guest with a dinner call and beef and a bottle of bilberies. Fucking gay men. You've got to love him.

Then he left. A few. How, what can I say? Well, you think you've salvaged it in the end? I mean, I won't try it. I get any laughs out of being there. Out the bits where you fucked it up at the start. We'll just try to pretend it did not. out the bits where you fucked it up at the start. We'll just try to pretend it did not, man. ["The

Bits Way E. Do You Fook That Up At The Start?" We'll just try to pretend it did not, man. ["The Bits Way E. Do You Fook That Up At The Start?" Hey, um, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, It's actually got an on board culture and a adjustable seat height which is great for me at five foot five Hey, you know that Russian fellow who was poisoned with one of the heavy metals Just found out that he once ate at the same restaurant I occasionally go to lucky escape for me But an incredible story don't you think? You know only three days before my wife left me she told me she loved me

That's very that's very for you You've got the song missing we've got a song off of it. All right, you clear the truth you start singing first Okay, I need a nice little duo nice song like healthy Brooks and Elton John. Yeah, just like that Yeah, oh the grace you know tell me more tell me more right here we go You're a terrible You're a capsule of shit With your sweaty fat face The absolute shit with your sweaty fat face And you're nipple-estate

Sorry, I'm just telling the trophy, though But when you walk into the room, my heart sets on fire And when you dance, your special dance, all my troubles disappear. You're a nasty old twat, you make me crave for death, with your penis-sized head, and your farm-yard bread. Oh yeah. If that hurts, I'm sorry, but police just have a seat. Right.

But when you take me in your car to places near and places far and when you call your special call on my troubles' discipline. All your special call are my troubles disappear When I call my special call All our troubles disappear And when I dance my special dance We have nothing left to fear

You're a terrible cold You're a nasty old twat You're a terrible cold You're a nasty old twat Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!