Athletico Mince - Ep. 47 - Lawrissey's Ironmongers

Episode Date: July 29, 2017

Lawro and Morrissey team up with a new business, the Liverpool gang share some grooming tips, the Secret Soccer Superstar returns and Bob spies on Pierce Morgan again... Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Ah! Yeah! Is that your nose to start? It might be. I don't like it, Andrew. I can't say whether it is that it? Ah!

Well, I've fed up with that noise already. Andro, I've heard it twice. I just wanted to get in the zone. I wanted to, what I wanted to do this week is tease you towards the sounds of the supermarket. We all like a shop, don't we? We do. So maybe the sounds of the chickens,

you know, on the ham hocks. The sound of a chicken. And the ham hock, you know when the sizzling away on the rotisserie, that's nice, isn't it? What, you never get the hay, then they're inside one of them. All right, I'll case them one of them big ovens. All right, I'll do the sound. Wait on about.

The sound of the bottles of the clinking of bottles of syrup of figs as they're restocked after an outbreak of constipation at the local model railway. Well, about that would be nice, wouldn't it? Clinking, clinking. Yeah, you're not very good on the clinks. But what about that? That would be nice, wouldn't it? Clink, clink, clink. Yeah, you're not very good on the clinks. All right, I know you'd be able to do this one because you're northern.

Stunning sound of a pensioner, letting out a little droopy dev squaker as she reaches up for the car's water biscuits. All right, I'll have a go at that one. There you go, it's nice. So we've had a nice start to the point. Very good. I see you wearing your little Frank have a go at that one. There you go, it's nice, so we've had a nice start to the... Very good. I see you wearing your little Frank Spencer barrier at the Bob. That's nice. I'm not wearing it, I brought it with me, I'll just

tuck it off. Oh, a deference to your arrival. Did you like it? I did, yeah. What we're going to do first, you want some nails? No, I'll tell you what, I'm going to fucking do. Cool, I'm going to sing a song. All right, we still have a supermarket, so we go on then. Did you mind? I thought mine in the slightest. [♪ music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing starting. A park in the Felaton toddler or disabled if it's free. I ignore the fruit and veg and headship Headship for the package meat. I film my trolley with bacon and party sausage treats.

Next stop is the snacks and the reduce to 50 feet. When I go out shopping I never have a plan. I stride along the aisles like there's a disco in my pants. Yeah, Tesco Asda Waitro I SC oh, that's it Andrew Fucking hell you like that. I it's nice. Do you ever plan before you go up to Superman? No, I just go in every day and just buy whatever I need. I go up for four, five times a week.

For four times a clock. Right, you know, I've never been a little, actually I do plan in so far that, I've probably, my motivation for going will probably be, oh, I need some beer, or I need some cheese away. Yeah. So whilst I'm there, I do me shopping.

Yeah. So I'll go up as far as I need cheese beer, and Yeah, so whilst I'm there, I do me shopping. Yeah, so I've got as far as I need cheese Be a and then I'll say pain or You could say me Do you like a pain or a dry roast a pain or not? Not just one Hundreds and hundreds of them that traditional pain up for me the salt greasy salted you don't go for the dry roasted No, I enjoy the dust in the bottom of the bag Yeah, you can snort it up. You can snutter up your nose. I've got a dry rusted hammer that I used to deflect them.

What are we going to do today, Andrew? I've got some names to make a choice for them. Yeah, of course I have. I've got something out with you there, so... I'll offer you, man, first. You can, if you want to. I've got something out there, so. Okay, well, I'll offer you mine first. You can of course, Andrew, you can be running out of dogs. Cut, you know, absolutely. Well, you know, I might make it.

You can. What about this chap, though? Rare Peterborough. He's cheerful. Yeah, like plaster, actually. Yeah. Yeah, it got a real good set of solid mates. Yeah.

Down to four or five times a week, single at the moment. Right. The only little quirk is, he keeps a pelican in his loft in a very, very restrictive cage. Oh, so I don't know. I don't like the sound of him. All right, so it's got a sight, or mic moth.

Yeah, mic moth. Mic moth, mic moth, yeah. He's a glam, glam goth sort of guitar player in his late 40s. He's never actually been in a band he just plays guitar here, or really. Right. He's the tro, glam got sort of guitar player in his late 40s. He's never actually been in a band, he just plays guitar hero, really. Right. He's the trope of it. He's one of those blokes.

Do you know these ones who get fun from having someone bash his balls with a hammer? Right. Do you know? I do know that, yeah. Yeah. Does that feel anything? It resonates more than the paladin father. So what's it going to be? I can't even read like... Oh God, I don't know! Can I come back to you on it? It resonates more than the paladin fella. So what's it gonna be?

Oh god, I don't know. Can I come back on it? Alright. Or don't it decide now? You can decide right at the end. We'll use that as the full stop. Oh, well I've got a couple of for you. Right, is one Stephen Creme.

Steve Creme. Steve Creme. He's got a van and he's done it out so it looks like a red telephone box put it on a side. And it sells all the creams. And it sells, it's like a red telephone box put it on its side and it sells all the creams. And it sells, it's like street creams. Right. He's got single, double, clotted, squirty and skin. All the creams, he's 40 yet and this is definitely his last chance.

Yeah, well I think he's got a chance. Yeah, I think he's gonna, it's like a lower the telephone box than it. No, exactly, a lower the minimum. I'm gonna reject him and he'll think because when he said creams, I think it's going to, it's like a lower the telephone box, isn't it? No, exactly, a lower the minimum. Right. I'm going to reject him under a think because when he said creams, I immediately thought of you, Vaseline, your ointment. Well, he's got them as well.

Skin, I said skin. He's got all of them. All right, well. All the creams. Is that me? No, you're the ones that K cut fucker. Right. He goes at the K cutting shops.

He challenges them to cut a K that he's got with them. Yeah. Because he's reckoning it's impossible. Right. And then when they're cut it for him he pulls out another one the CMF he's pocketing he goes, hey oh man I've already got one lake! And he runs out with OPN, he's a fucker, he sounds like a biker, nah I'm not interested in them. Neither of them, you just gonna take a great one, see if you want me to take a great one do you?

I'll be Steve the great, thank you. Oh well done. What are you doing? You just, you took a selfie there. Oh no, I. What are you doing? You just, you took a selfie there? No, I was at that. Oh, you took a picture of my tits?

No, I never took a picture of you tits. I know, did you come or go off? Yeah, well, I took a picture of you, but just because it's focused on your tits doesn't mean I was taking a picture of your tits. Hey, listen up, wife's questions have arrived. Andro, she says hello. Hello, Bob's wife.. Andrew, she says hello. Hello, Bob's wife. Andrew, is there a library in Sunderland?

And it's so, does it do books or just like housing benefit advice and free journeys? Yes, there is a library in Sunderland. I used to actually work in the library in Sunderland about 11 years ago. Bob's wife? So it was my occupation. You don't, you've never worked. I worked in the library in Sunderland about 11 years ago. Bob's wife? So it was my occupation. You don't, you've never worked.

I worked in the library. What did you do in the library? Push books around on a cart, I'll do along. Take, put those books in the cart, and he'll add, and push them around. And I used to hide near the foreign directories. Was it one of these scabbing jobs, nothing to do? They have proper scabbing jobs, yeah.

Andrew, you're a very heavy sluggish man. Yes, how many? Does this mean you have difficulty getting your foot into the sink when you're having a sundaland bath? I don't have a bath in a sink. I've got a bath. All right. Grant and it's outdoors in the yard. Yeah.

But I do get in this fully. Look for you, Andrew. And you trunks. If he don't mind me saying, he's getting his look a lovely today. Thank you very much. The, um, are there any school? The top of our no.

Are there any schools in Sunderland? Or do the kids just funny about down the daft farm? Ah! I mean they're not easy to answer are they Andy? I accept that. Yes, they're our schools. Okay, thank you. Five schools.

Finally, one in each corner and one in the middle. But most of the kids got the middle because it's easiest to find. Yeah. Andrew, final question, with your weight and general idleness, do you have trouble climbing the steps next to the sink when you have a sunda-lin shit? How many questions, is this your don't for? There's no rules that I've never heard of. Yes.

You do? Yes. Oh, nice one. Can I just also add that I didn't actually listen to that one properly, because I was just so fucking irritated by it. Alright, I'll ask you another question. Oh God Given your heft Right, do you have trouble getting your foot up onto the sink when you're having a Sunderland piss? I do it in me bath. We do it in your bath, it makes a bath for a bit warmer, don't it?

God. I've got some questions for you, but I'm going to see them for later on. Before we do that, I'm going to do yes or no behind the door. All right. I want you to imagine there's a door over there. Yeah. Not the door we came in through. I know.

Next to it, another one. Special door. Behind that door is three things. And yes or no, would you go through and look at them? First one, a life-size model of Paul Hollywood. It's made out of hardened A. Wax and he's got layers of eyes. No, I'm not interested.

You wouldn't go in that. I'm sorry, Andrew. I just found a lot of thought into that. It's purely imaginary. Paul Lolly would once showed me a sports car. I barely did. He says, have a look. Do you want to come over and look at me sports car? You know, you don't want to send. He's got one of them, it's got a crystal

as net for a starter key. I know, I'm sorry. It's a Aston Martin. Yeah. Anyway. Right, second one, four monkeys fighting over a bust hairdryer. Yeah, I like seeing that.

I like seeing that one. You would see that one in there. Third one, Hitler's go shit in it, no booker. No, thank you. Okay. Third one, Hitler's gorse shitting it, no booker. No thank you. Sure. Yeah, I'm sure. I've been, do you know what? And I've enjoyed imagining that, so don't get me wrong, but I don't want to actually experience it. Because it's a gorse. They frighten the gorse. A little bit, yeah. Thought you would probably throw it at you. Thought you were to protest. That Hitler for you. I went to see the air for movie. Oh, it was a good. You always okay, yeah. I went to see the airpour movie. It was a good. You was okay yeah. I said I was a bet and don't Kirk. Right. Don Kirk's Lord

it's one. It's just like, I think you're probably if I counted there's probably 70 incidents one after the other and then the final incident means it's the credits. Is this don Kirk it's on yeah. I was in the Science Museum last week in London because I was down here for the weekend. Yeah. Took me boy at the Science Museum and Connor. And we saw Will Gumpert off of the BBC news. The article responded, running around in a tease,

trying to find the entrance to the big cinema that I'd't care on. Is either one with the unusual air style? No, I know, I know. He was sort of in it is like you'd expect. Yeah, no, you would expect. It's good, nice, but a shop is in this room. You're going to go and say don't care.

No, that's not. I've seen three phones recently. Don't care. The spiderman and the air. What's the spiderman one like? Probably the best of the three, I've been on the track. Are you saying Despicable May 3, yep. No, that's good.

Solid. Cars 3 is not that good. Well, thank you for those two recommendations. And that's the end of film review. Mark Lawrence, are you interested? Very much so. Okay, well, you'll have to, now you've got to do the lines for this for me to do, Mark. You do see them and I'll just see them as Mark.

Are you sure? All right, then, well, Mark's at home, a Barbara. This is, well, that's nice, isn't it? Good starmas, a couple. He's in the shed using his left to make a new collar for the broom handle. You know where it joins the broom head and knee. Yeah.

So it was a weakness in a broom, in it. Yep, very frustrating. Then after, after he's gonna give the, your power clean with his curtsure, right? I've got to say anything yet. I'll tell you. Barbara comes into the shed with the phone. Barbara says, it's for you, Mark. Mark says, who is it? Mark says, who is it? Who is it? It's Morrissey. Oh, Laura says, can you not tell him I'm out

by a new wire for the rabbit uch? Can you not tell him I'm out by a new wire for the rabbit uch? I've told him you, don't be so rude. So he answers the phone, Laura. Hello, Laura here. Hello, Laura here. Tee hee hee.

What? Is that his phone, boys? Yeah. 2225? Laura yeah. Okay and so it's more a sea right? He says, oh I am now. Solid to bother you but I have a great idea that I think would be right up your street.

Matt says oh yeah what is it? Oh yeah what is it? I want to open I and M mongers, you know, a hard way to store. Well Mark Ezatez is ice flick around his shed. He sees Barbara just staring at him to the kitchen window. The weeds grow into the concrete on the side, puff, puff and he replies, yes or do I? It's always been a dream of mine. Yes so do I.

It's always been a dream of mine. Great, let's do it then. I've already, oh I've got a bit of a recurrent now mine great. Let's do it then I've already I've got a bit of a recurrent. I'm great. Let's do it then I've already If you could with panthers and stockpod you order the stock and let's open in let's say first of July Laura says it's a deal or Stephen what should we call it? It's a deal! Oh, Steven, what should we call it? Lovelties. He says, I like it, I'll see you on the first July.

I like it. I'll see you on the first July. Slow, says Bubs, what did Morrisie want? Nothing loved just asking about match tickets. Nothing loved just asking about match tickets. Well, for the next two weeks, Mark spends every work in our order in stock. You know, brackets, pants, tools, wadding buckets, bird feeders, bulbs, weed all. A lot. You have a lot of those machines that shaggy all the shit you need, you know.

So it's a night before the big opening, Mark is sat on the sofa with Barbara watching catfish. Yeah. Do you watch catfish? I do watch catfish. Because I don't want to get caught out. Yeah, you learn in the tricks of the trick. So do you like to guess what they're going to be at the end? Yeah. So, what we all do, of course. And what's your usual guess? Big fat lesbian. Anyway, so, there was your catfish and the phone rings.

It's morris, and Mord says, how's it going? Mark says, fine, I can't wait for tomorrow. Fine. I can't wait for tomorrow, Stephen. Same here Marx says I'm doing a special offer on Belinda wipes. I'm doing a special offer on Belinda wipes Excellent everyone needs Belinda wipes Then a silence like and like an awkward silence and Mord says So I was wondering, it would be nice to have a special guest cut ribbon. Max is a bit short, no, it's not the only one in mind.

A bit short, no, I wish if you got anyone in mind. Yeah, I was thinking maybe Ray for Benetus. What, Max says, oh, well, I'll try. There's no I'm in asking, isn't it? Oh, well, I'll try. There's no I'm in asking, is there? So, Matt F, I'll try. There's no I'm in asking, is there? So Mark fourons up raffer. It turns out he's a big fan of the album, Your Arsenal.

I see. I was listening to that two days ago. Well, yeah, probably raffer. It's good apart from the racism. Is it the one that starts off with the drums, Your Arsenal? Because we use the drums from, I think it was the first track. We used them for Bang Bang, it's the reason.

But anyway, so you're grace to do the opening if Morrissey will sign is a day of your arsenal right big day arrives Mark says I've got a big surprise for you to say Barbara I've got a big surprise for you today Barbara oh what does it are we getting some new straw for the rabbit Mark says no that's not it no that's not a Barbara we have in a doubt at home base no I. No, I've got into business with Morrissey from the Smiths. No, I've gone into business with Morrissey from the Smiths. And we're opening a hardware store in Stockport today. And we're opening a hardware store in Stockport today.

No, I thought that might happen one day. What's it called? You can't use Morrisons. L'Orecy's, it's brilliant, isn't it? It's a combination of our names. Laura sees, it's brilliant, isn't it? It's a combination of our names. Come on, then, suppose I better go and see it. So the go to Stockport, there it is. Corner Plot, Jewel aspect window display, Andy, so that's nice, isn't it? Yeah. Simple signage that says, a pretty serious business, but don't worry, not too pricey.

You know what I mean? Little crowd-w crowd weight few journalists one of the journalists just um called Harry Caramal so that's a nice note for a kid obviously first to arrive is Raffa um he looked Mark is Muzzle here yeah I'm so excited Mark oh he becomes now Raffa perfect timing oh he becomes now Raffa, perfect timing. Oh he becomes now, Raffa. Raffa, perfect timing. Ensuring up pulling up in an American Open Top Cadillac

with fins and that and wearing shirts and a cowboy hat. It's morocene, camera start flashing. Audi jumps and he rushes straight at Raffa. Oh hello Raffa, I can't believe it like Raffa Benedist. The Prumbus most could be brought on tights. I love you Raffa, I can't believe it like Raffa Benedis, the promised most goodly broke on Ty's and I love you Raffa Benedis, more than I love big fork and monster cap. It's Rob's in grey, Raffa and Mark are being catfished. Oh man, see, get this clown off me, says Raffa, Raffa's scuity guys punching on each

tip, yeah, now bundle Raffa back into his car and Mark goes over to Robson. What were you thinking pretending to be Morrissey? What were you thinking pretending to be Morrissey? That's the only way I've done. I never get to meet Raffa. But need us and it works. I actually held Raffa. But need us in my arms.

Raffa, but need us. It was like holding pure happiness in the shit Mother farts bunny's bloke, I'm over there! Fork and moon! Well, Mark can't out but smile, see you in his mert so happy. So Mark says, he's a charming man, isn't he? He's a charming man, isn't he? In the buff laugh.

Ha ha ha! Then, Bob says, that joke isn't funny anymore Mark says fuck off Barbara I'm just trying to like the Lordeer fuck off Barbara I'm just trying to like the Lordeer then he says oh hold on I get it oh hold on I get it and they all laugh and they all think I've left so much that glass eyes start dropping out of their assholes so it now can I I mean cheeky of him one it it was as far as we get with Lawrence and Robson Green, do you think Robson's going to try and go one step further?

Second Beasts. Well, you know, in the future. Did you think it was a bit like that movie, Don't Breathe? I've never heard of that movie. It's where the kids in bed, else with that blind army veteran. Well, give me a thought up, haven't you? No, you know, I just thought it was a bit like it,

you know, with Matt living in a house. Right. Anyway, what? Yeah, there was some similarities I suppose, whatever. What's the name of that? South Africa. South Africa. I think you wouldn't do some,

and they just did this. I got it out left. So, well, if I should have do South Africa then. I will do, I think. I was in the hotel bar when I was over there watching football right right Just me in there in a little block beyond the park bar called Sammy little Sammy Lovey fella lots of hunting stuff on the walls Zulu Spears

Shields and that whips that sort of shit, yeah, and I was watching man you like the Liverpool Yes me oh, I supported Sammy did I said Idlesbrough, he laughed, right? So I fired and he laughed again, so I fired and we've did this for a while. You're just a bit, you're a people plays, aren't you, but, definitely, yeah, it's definitely in our arm with it. Suddenly, I hear the TV turn over at some obscure tennis tournament, it's a big, big, massive Dutch african's block, yeah. I said, excuse me, mate, I was watching the football. I don't care if you're playing, I don't care if you're playing in it, mate. I'm watching Federer. His ass is like a good to me. Well, I got to speak again, but little Sammy gives me a look as if to just leave it, Bob, leave it. Then the

man turns to me. if you want to watch You're lady ball. There's another TV in the conference room So Sammy nods points to the conference room. I take me paint throw and I go in there Yeah, so I'm still in front of the TV with the remote me I'm just trying you know, we have to try and get the right input. Yeah, yeah, yeah When the big block strides in take your trousers off and start feeding that remote control in Uranus boy. Well, he's a massive bloke and there's no one around so I think, yeah, I'll just start, I'll start taking my trousers off. Suddenly Samy comes in, he's got a spear in the shield and he's got the point of the spear right against the

bloke's neck. Yeah. He says, there'll be no remotes fed in the wearinesses on my shift, mate. Now get back in the fucking bar, rice and sugar. I probably should have done that South Africa, shouldn't I? Is Sami so afraid, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. There'll be no remotes fed into anuses on more shift.

Now get back in the fucking bar, rice and sugar. So, rice and sugar leaves and Sami watches them all away. I say, thanks, Sami. Why did he want to feed the remote into my ass? Sami says, just for the kudos, he wanted to kick you up the ass for Chichachines channels. Fucking gangbangers, you've got to love him! Can we go over and visit the Secret Soccer Superstar? Love and no frown for a while.

You'll have a guest at the end, just beest on what he says, because there's a couple of clues. Okay. What a lot of people do or know is that a lot of the top, top players get a tri, luxury products for free, long before the general public get to have them. Cummene send us free stuff and get us to fill in questionnaires about whether we like them or not or that ask us how they could improve them. But when I was playing, we used to get all sorts of stuff. One time I got a quiz book about films that was written by Michael Rodd with his autograph on the front cover.

Frustration free packaging? Ho ho, the top top players got to try that out first, and broad bond. A very memorable free gift was a luxury jigsaw puzzle. All the pieces were made from actual fucking velvet. Amazing. We'll all give that one ten out of ten on the question air. But I remember one time, just before a year we have a Coup semi-final second leg match. Each of the lads got a free cassette with the new Jazzy B Album on it. That was in April and the album wasn't even due out to October. We went out on a weird gold, but we were all grooving in the change in Rome afterwards So next time you get a modern luxury product chances are that your football heroes are tried at first So think on it

Nice insight. I love the inside. I think he said not new Castle play. I don't know why they're dancing in the it's not Terry If it is it not Terry but not Newcastle player, I don't know why they're dancing in the... It's not Terry Ibit, is it? Not Terry Ibit. Ah, right. Okay, I was thinking over there. I was just passed through the mind. When I was young Andy, it was on the legs of Stair in Middlesbrough.

Yeah. I used to go all there. It was a leg stit, so it was like, I don't know, Windermere Road and Derwent Street. Ah, say! Right. And there was a fru-tier used to park his wagon up of an evening. It was fully stocked. Yeah.

A legitimate one. Yeah, because it was actually like a... Not proper fru-tier. And it was, you could lift up the sacking and get in there. Right. And we used to play games like drop fruit or somewhere fruit drop or whatever. Where I think it was forbors, me, cags, fat, I probably stava or whatever and we used to start with a littlest thing we could get our hands on, a cherry, like a fruit like that,

throw it as I, it would be in the end, you had to let it land on your head, right, yeah, and then you got the next thing, maybe an apricot, yeah, throw it, land on your head, then you start getting serious, sad sumas, oranges then you get up to the great throat right and that shit that used to give you a thud on your head and actually land on your head yeah yeah but all the only reason I passed me mine because I was thinking about the past you know like you do when you're old um sorry you know like you do when you're old and Sorry, you're not like you do when you're old. And I thought when we first did shoe in stars, we used to do two punishments. One was we used to vibrate a celebrity. The second one was we used to drop increasingly sized fruits on the head.

So I'm not really saying an infinia, but it's taken me all these years to get old and start thinking to realize that that game on shooting stars Probably has its roots back when I was 14. I understand what you're trying to see is that you've emotionally you've never really developed since the age of 14 That's what I managed to become a millionaire on the back of it. I'm not a millionaire And yeah, I wish you'd stop saying that speaking of which is a question the questions from me, blood relatives, me young boys, young Connor, and Mitchell, Deer Uncle Bob, whether I should say they've had a week off school as well this week, so they're a bit more timey.

We're at the time, me Uncle Bob out. Because of that weekend, you had a wee in the Audi, Nicole, you're Uncle Bob since then, some reason. Deer Uncle Bob, are you looking for a harvest season? What is your best crop going to be this year? Will it be your beetroot, your wheat or your turnips? It's going to be beetroot, Andrew. Good beetroot. I'm trying the ones that are called gold. I can't remember the name. I'm trying the ones that are yellow ones basically. Alright, yeah. So I'll get on with them.

First time? First time for the yellows, yeah. First time for the yellows. But feeling confident I'm never confident when it comes to veg and I'm never confident you can never tell Kenny So I don't the weather in it. I'm never competent. So I've got me me and yeah, yeah Yeah, it's all done the weather conditions of the earth. Yeah, so many factors What fair enough second one which of your crops do you think will be most affected by Brexit? Um going forward going forward well I think that we're going to, I think that the one that's going to be most affected

is probably the strawberry or the raspberry. Right. Because I think that a lot of them are sent abroad and probably won't be. Yeah. So I'm probably going to say, you know what? I'm not going to bother growing strawberries this year love or raspberries because honestly down at little they're literally 10 pay-up on nothing in it for years. Nothing in it for you. I'll grow a different

bit. Forks economy in it. Do you export a lot of strawberries and raspberries at the minute? No the country does though. The country does. Right I I meant you specifically though. No, I've never exported a fruit. Third question, what do you say to the families of your servants who have perished in your fields when they travel thousands of miles to the UK looking for answers and hopefully closure? I don't have any servants, I've never thought of that. Who picks the fruits? who picks the beetroot? A pick it yourself? Who tends to the crops? You don't do all yourself. I do, honestly, I've got a hoor. Bulk's.

You say hoor. Hoor. Hoor. I was doing deliberately pointless this week, Andrew. Yeah, at L Street, studio. In the dress, it was big long corridor dressing rooms. And in the dressing room relaxed me was Robert Pestin you know I don't know Robert Pestin he's like a

slightly more palatable Will Gomputs is it what he's like economics in the economy quirky news fella and my dolls I want so Pestin getting off the train at King's Cross on the train that come from Edinburgh not a bad spot during the festival months. So I think you'd paint Edinburgh with the white end. I know. Fucking wrecked. Today?

Well, I mean, I've heard that he's a bit of a tricky one. Oh, I see an all more. I won't say. The lawyers are watching. OK. Wink, wink. All right, got you. So he's in the room next to me.

And I've got me doll rope. And he's got a doll rope. I run a car and I'm along and that's him if he wanted anything. So Preston says, yes I would, like a very strong cop or a Rabina and a bag of chicken crisps. Right? Because that's how he speaks. He makes very little go along with it.

Don't it just, yeah? A bit like John Bishop. John Bishop. So just then Darryl Bryon walks past. Yep. Right? He's Darryl walksrow walks by he goes hello Robert nah lovely to see you who you're on with um to Pestan he says you know Pestan

says hello sorry uh who who are you Darrow brought Brian says, I'm a comedian. No, I'm a comedian. Duh. This pestin says, sorry. I should warn you. I'm a very rude person. I'm on with... Peace Morgan. Sounds as good fit, daaah.

I'm on with Colin Murray. Daaah. Never heard of him. Aaaaaah. What's he like? He's a presenter, daaah. He seems to think he's pretty good. Daaah.

Then, Pierce Morgan, who's on the opposite side of the corridor opens, is dressing her own. He says, hey, you two, come in here, I've got something to ask you. So they're going, boy, leaves a door open, so I can hear what's going on. Look, he says, Pius has some both. What do you think of women? Do you think they're fake? Pestin says, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Pius says, ah, right, and a man, look, do you think that woman

they're like shit stirers, pesting or that? Dara goes, Dara, T. So Peeus says, I'll forget it, look, we need the review like a go on, my prize draw art, Dara's straight in, yes please, Dara, Peeus says, Dara said So he gets a go. So Peter takes off his dressing down right, his neck is underneath. He spreads the dressing down and he stands on it. And he says I just need to, to trap the, when I flush out the seapage, the oils that come off me. So he gets pest and dara to take a buttercage under it, right? They're lift and of course as soon as they lift all the seepigen at this trap just like pours down on the dresser down. So that was a good job for Elstrey, they did that and yeah. So that's the thoughtful side of me, yes, in it.

Yeah. In Curfine, couldn't I? Yeah. Then dara starts and heeding his hands into pieces, ask, into pieces asked look a price prize greedy for his prize Yeah, where's my prize? I won't I won't my prize Then he finds it a pork chop Lovely so then the door was slammed I don't know what up then, but man I expect that we did the pointless after that and I like did you win or ain't not a letter to see I'm not

allowed to say I'm Joe no but to the mid you sign something look out for it and you'll see the smile and dire as fairs. I'm a pork chop. Can you just got the pork chop behind the podium that you still stand behind. I reckon he's going down the front of his pants. What. What's next, Andrew? Can I pitch some TV shows to you that I've come up with? Of course, so you're a bokeh and cab. You're a bokeh and we're moving in a shaker in the TV industry. Okay, first one, it's called the Nevermind Doctor.

Right, it's a doctor, proper doctor, not like Shobius one, and he goes into the homes of people who have got like strange diseases or mistreelness, chronic stuff, spends a bit of time with him, tries to diagnose what it is they've got, and then once he's worked it out, he sort of tries to kill with them by just saying, I'll never mind. Oh, that's a shame. by just seeing, I'll never mind. Oh, that's a shame. No, I'll just like, I'm like, oh God, that must be awful. The denouement is always just going to disappoint

and they've put it in a good place. But it could work, it's like a mindfulness thing, Bob. And if you think about it, or form a opathy, it's like that, isn't it? Well, it's like, boollocks, but it might work. So you reckon that the whole film crew, with the whole like all that surplus shit thrown at this disease in the front room

will be like a mega placebo. Yeah, well, but it might, Oasis is not going to work though, you've got to try these things, I don't know. If it doesn't work, the flow down. No, I'm not, I'm not in there. I'm not in there. I've got another one to Russia with russles. Yeah. All the comedians call russle, I've got a russian together. Yeah.

Like in a ladder, maybe. Yeah. The car, not the place where you'd store your food. Russell brand, Russell. Not croak. Either one, uh, Russell. Russell. He peeders. Oh, fucking, now, Russell. You know, the one we dance is about. I know, the one. Err, Russell, Russell, Pete, Oh, fucking, Russell. You know the one we've done since about, I know the one. There's the dancer and there's the one. There's others too, Russell. The funny laugh.

Two Russell. Russell Howard. Err, Russell Kean. Russell Kean. Err, Russell Brand. Russell Brand, Russell Kean told I was, I mean, the wife. Huh. And we laugh.

And Russell, erm, who's the astrologer? Russell Grant. Russell Grant. I've fished in checks with him on. Did you? Yeah, not telling you about it. Now um I was once drove a ladder when I'm doing a series called Random Not Curk Disaced. Why have you turned this bit into being about you? All right, fuck it. Fuck it. Was it? Russell, see we get after that. Russell's Hobbs. Yeah. All the russles go around trying to find the best value Hobbs on the market. Two teams, gas and electric. I like it.

So you've got Russell Grant and Russell Keane. Yeah. Doin' gas. Yeah. And then you've got Russell Brand and... Fuck what's it called? Russell Howard. Howard.

Yeah. Doin' electric. Same russles every week. Yeah, well, there's only finite number of Russell's, right? You need four Russell's in the world. Yeah. And in the comedy world. I quite like it, but it's a one-off Christmas special. You just take a one-off. Yeah, they do both do maybe in Russia, they could do it once they get the Russia club. Okay, just do it, they do it in the

raw-dome's and they do a Christmas lunch. Okay. I've got one more. Yeah. Paul Hollywood puts his left leg up on a law wall. Yes. Different cities around the world. I haven't got a name for it, but that's the concept. Yeah, I want you to go away. Right. I like it, Andrew. Thank you. I want you to go away. I want you to find a way that you can introduce a chimp into this scenario. Come back to me next time. Probably only sure as I think. Well, I don't need a about a trailer like a baby. You can see it though. You can see the leg up on the lower wall. Cut a second yeah. Oh it's powerful. Stance, powerful. Stances.

Barry Ormola, did I get them to the vice-first? Andrew it's what's uh, uh, uh, oh did I, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep I joined the dating site plenty of fish, do you know plenty of fish? It's a slightly upmarket dating site and you know what's calling it plenty of fish. I must be quite a catch because I've had two pings already and I've only been on it six months. I tell you what my bio was easy. I just put down homeowner, Fitbit owner, Kitchen Island owner, Memory Phone mattress owner, Nextpresso machine owner, I love Formula One, Medium height, 5 foot 5,

look great in my Gucci Converse. Ideal broad, right? You'll rarely look like but with less brains. Yep, yep, two hits, two fucking pings. Hey, Andrew, I was at an English tourist board, three crown, three crown, three crown rated hotel this week, beautiful restaurant, yeah, had a burgo there, with the chips placed on top of each other like Jenga. Never seen that before, I absolutely loved it, I loved it, I loved it, I absolutely loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I absolutely loved it.

Highly recommend this place. I'll give you its name. Yeah, so Gangsey, P.L. and I still got a couple of stories left from the 40 village inside. Oh, that must have been a very eventful trip. Yeah, a lot of the teams have got players there. One lunchtime, a few of the Liverpool squad were sat around the table, like at the VIP. Liverpool, eh? the Liverpool squad was sat around the table, like at the VIP. Liverpool, eh? The Liverpool, yeah. They were sat around the table at the flashy beach side restaurant, you know. There were storage, millenah, Leana and Henderson, yeah. They've all got the lovely Mayacup bags, you know, and they're finishing off their moisturiser, putting a concealer

in on the gels and all that. So I'll sit near them, but I'll hold my hat out in front of me so it's you know they can't see me. So that was a good idea I want it and very good idea. So the waiter comes over. Good if good afternoon seniors what do you like today? Today's special snapper fish with truffle oil served with a round the bout of parsley mash with parmesan. Milner, right, he looks up from his compact Mary says, oh, meet him, but here to buy in chips and spaghetti hopes, please. Well, that's not very adventurous, is it? Henderson looks up.

Ed, it's Jordan, he, sort of, Sondland. I soon look like, like, I love chicken and mushroom pie and chips and beans thanks Joe storage he's burning him any home what you mean why he told you to have fried egg and chips so Lilya Lilya and all right says do you know it's fucking out he's a summer set and he he says do you have snow crab perhaps with a lemon grass and or bridging rosty and some asparagus foam? The way it says, yes, senior, would you like some pan-fried shallots with that?

Yes, I fucking would, in fact, I fucking insist. Unlops some periwinkles on it for texture, please son. At that, fucking hell. At that point, I spot Arlecane sneaking into the restaurant toilets, that's unusual because he's got his own villa, he's in his dressing gown and carrying his wash back. So I go in, see what's going on, Malarice in the toilet, I have no wash and the shirt over the sink. And a bit worried I say hello Mr Cain, are you okay?

Yes thank you, is there any of your of your business you tiny bottled old man? Well, oh fucking hell, I said well, I can see that like he can see I'm hurt by what he said and he's been brought really nice. Harry. Yeah, and he's um it's so he's a bit ashamed of himself, so he changes his tone a bit. Look, man, I didn't mean to be rude and unkind. It's just I mean a bit of the frizzle. You see, I've had a fight with my girlfriend Katie and she threw me out of our room. I had to sleep on the lounge about a pool last night which is upsetting and left me in the right fluffery buffery. I said, oh dear, I mean I've been nausey but I said oh they are so what did you fight about? I said Game of Thrones was the best TV show ever and she said catfish was

I said it's two different genres KT so you can't even compare them She said stop being clever, come to the map right on the end of the chin with an Italian weapon And it sure sure Ruffy shows me his chin and it's got a massive red and blue bros on it Honestly, in total it looks like a clown show god, you know, all the different colors on it I can't go out and about looking at this what if the peeker going to see me? I'll wear droni and his gang. I'll wear still the press who would have the field there speculating that my expense Just that moment Josie Marino comes out of the cube,

and he's been in there. He says, careful boys, I've just dropped a special one. Ha, ha, ha, I'm hilarious in it. Anyway. Just sound, and that's why I'm pressing the Josie Marino. Very angry. I knew it was your lucky.

He was in the room. So then in Wainwalks, Adam Lilliano, whatever, with his make up bag, because he wants to use the big mirror of right to start with the finishing bits of his make up. So I think, shit, so I quickly pass Harry, Mikhail Boyhat and Mi Beach told to cover his face, he pretends he's just trying his first. I said, all right, Mr. Lilliano, that's amazing make up selection you've got there. You must be really proud. You know, I want the love taught about themselves. Of course you do. So Adam says,

yep, a lot of our work gone into that. You interested in makeup son? I said, yeah, I really am very much so. Right, well let me tell you, I build my bag around Bobby Brown, Charlotte Tilbury and Cover Girl. I got pale skin so it's mostly cool tones. I tend to live in my cheeks up with a peach blush to make my cheekbook, I've gone Scottish. I am tractor to make my, can you give us some of this? To make my cheekbones pop. He says, that's what he says. I say, all right, so interesting Mr. Lilliana, what about concealers? Oh, too shlacklack is what I use.

Brush applicator, it's perfect for me. I say, oh, wow, what should he use? Radiant silk, nice matte finish and moisture resistant. And he hands it to me to have a look at. I say, I've got what? Adam, my wife, I'm stopping my wife, fell into a pile of very hard Italian shoes yesterday. And got like multiple heel marks on the first.

You wouldn't let me lend this for five minutes, would you? Because she's really too embarrassed to leave the room. Of course, I'd be very interested to hear how she gets on with it. I'm just sat in the restaurant when she's done. And off he goes. So I quickly apply the consulate, Harry's chin, right, and he's good to go.

I go back to me, see, Harry walks past. Henderson says, all right, Harry, you ignore him as a summit. Harry turns to first, and he's worried like if they'll see it. He says, no. Hello, Daniel. Hello, Daniel. Hello, James. Hello, Adam. I trust you're having a pleasant vacation. They all say, yeah, cheers, Harry, nice one. Harry walks away. A little smile on his face. He's got a way with it. Adam

says, blind me. Harry's skin looked amazing. I must ask him to talk me through his makeup regime. Beautiful matte sheen on his chin. Henderson says, I looks like a model. Sturridge is, he don't look that good. Tisyshit and storage stomps off in a straw. Oh, so, do you think that story was a bit like the share movie mask? You know what I mean though? Yeah, yeah. It was though, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It was though, wasn't it? Yeah, because of the big chin.

The big chin and it was covered up with lalana. Yeah. So that ended strangely. It's a slice of life, isn't it? It's a slice of fucking faith me out of it, isn't it? It's exactly what it is. Dingong, landlord here. I say, Ranta, have you got a torch I can borrow?

I want to shine it into your kids' faces so I can see the despair and full focus. Ding dong land lord here, renter, I'm here to give you notice to quit. Notice to quit smoking, drinking and laughing, because I'm putting the renter up to 20% to cover my losses of the casino. Ding dong land lord here, I was going to take these cover my losses of the casino. Ding dong! landlord here. I was going to take these old tins of palm hearts and these bread sauce sachets to the food bank. Thought I'd serve myself a journey and bring them straight round to you. That's that fella.

That's him and that's the end of this episode of Gunnend. You're gonna end it there. Well I'll see you round, Andy. I'm Osrush. Alright. must rush alright you're swimming better than this yes I've got to go to the Thank you. you