Athletico Mince - Ep. 48 - Milk's Off!

Episode Date: August 11, 2017

An upsetting cinema visit, a kidnap, the kiss of life, some chocolate bar bother, the return of Vince Parsnips and much more... Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I don't know how to start. Well, do you want me to start? Do you want to start? Yeah. I'm just nervous, I don't think you're gonna be enough. Because the last few weeks, I've, you know, the tried and trusted side, you you've pooped it and I don't know what to do. So I've got a now yeah started. So how are you Andrew? Thanks honky-tonk I'm alright there. Thanks that was a nice thanks for an uptick the reason what thanks for asking kind of thing. Yeah now Andrew my main problem of all the podcasts I listen to is that they insist on this music at the top, right?

For far too long, I listen to Middlesbrough Football podcast, a Borough podcast, a minute 20 before the podcast started. And my problem is, is it sounds like you're tuning, you know, if you're tuning a red to a red, for a radio station, and you hit Advert, so you you think I'll fuck it I'll move on. Right, so I'm trying to start this one with familiar sounds as you know, with being in the super market etc. Working really well. So it is my suggestion this week Andrew. I wondered about starting the show with the sounds from Newcastle Airport, right, as you fly from Newcastle to your holiday in Spain. Here's some suggestions, yeah?

Will passenger Doug Stott please report to the information desk. Your alcation has followed it to the airport and is kicking over a shit storm. You see what I mean? Good one. Or a little kiddie saying, Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n g cages. Life in Newcastle. Mams are reminded that your nippers are not allowed to go wee wee in the large feature-potded plants. So like we've brought, that's three-got-wee holiday of Mood on us. And it ain't no. You're at Newcastle ready for your flight to World of Beam Aller. Aller Candy, Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy.

Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Aller Candy. Allicante. Alicante. Well, all passengers for Alicante, sum up the blue drinks. We're about to depart. Do you want an airman? Go ahead and give us some options. Alan Pig. Alan Pig. And that's two jays. And they've got a...

He works at his dad's farm shop. Yeah. Now, on the downside, because that's a lovely place to work, in it, farm shop, in it. But on the downside, he's a self-harmor, yeah. And he wants a horse on its flank when he was in Israel. Right. So that's a little bit about him.

What about Jess Bevel? Tell me about Jess Bevel. Yeah, like Seabab, look on the first. You can't want to be Jess Doar. He's Jess Bevel. He lives in a minimalist condo, yeah. Right. Nothing there apart from a 4K TV, a bright orange Swedish

office chair and a golden eagle. That's Jez's life. I like that. Not bad is it. Shit's McWirter. He holds several world records relating to Todd and Todd, he's done the thinner stepper, he's done the most Todd's in the shape of Portugal. He's done the hardest Todd ever led.

And interestingly, the most cuddleable Todd, cuddle if he'd have wanted to cuddle. He's done a really good... I don't want to measure that. Just they got some expert sense, something like that, or whatever, gave it a cuddle, and they decided which one they'd enjoyed most.

Funky Kev. I don't think I could rise up to the occasion. Yeah, you're all about jazz at the moment, aren't you? So far. Funky Kev. Funky Kev, sorry. Funky Kev, yeah. Nice chap, go a little bit of a pop belly, little round pop white pop belly, you know what

I mean? He's got lots of the miniature pets, you know, like little amsters, the little dogs, the little cats and that. He collects glass clowns, so that's nice in it, Andy. Flat as a 50s vibe, you liking him? Not really. Not really. Not really. He's planning to fire it across sport, it is nervous. No, it's interesting. So, are you going to be him? You're going to be him. Because of the cross sport.

He's a little pot belly. I've got a couple of you I want to come up with two because I like to think that this is more and I'm sorry You can be milky Jackson You'll see him come to life whenever there's one of them you know them little potter long life Milky get on the trains. Yeah, I'm wearing the coffee up the ass there. Yeah, every time he sees one of them He'll open it and sniff it and show it milk stuff It's milky Jackson with a proper little fucker. Milk shuff, milk shuff!

Yeah, but when... Right, you all. What, you've got a question about milk hijacks? Well, I just wondered, does those little capsules of milk ever go off? Ah, the dogbassy thing, you see. I've tried to subvert the system from within. Yeah. So, because it's a long life and it's you, it's you, a two-hit tea didn't go off. Yeah ultra high

Treatment trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep trep He's driving here, but he's the subject of a ban in order and he's got a steer locked in his bathroom every afternoon when the schools are coming out. Right. And he's catchphrase is I didn't do it. Didn't do what, Joe? No, I don't like the sound. I don't like the sound of me. So I'm going to. Milky Jackson. Not fuck it.

I'll be on the tongue. Hong Kong. All right. Milk South. Hey, being a wild Andrew since I told you about the old man. It's been a long time, so... I should do his dead. Would you like to hear us sometimes?

I'd love to. Well, last bank holiday was the annual camping trip for the Draftlands. Yeah. You know the ones who can't do well, but funny about that, right? Yeah. They're generally funny about around the back of the shops. The ones up now for in Stockton. Yeah, they're very synced. Yeah, now they tend to be around the

back of the shops, they're near the Gallagher's, you know, the Royal Garages. Yeah, they're funny about on the roof's, can't you? They're love funny about on the roof. Anyway, it runs an outdoor pursuit center. It's just outside Hexham and they go there every now and then. So I went up to help out. So I'm in the mini bus with the old man on the way to Hexham to pick up some blue drinks, checking dippers and Oreo biscuits for the Daff kids, you know. And the old man says, so Robert, I was sure this treating your Robert. I said, it's all right, Bill, I'm doing a new show with Paul Whitehouse where I play a wanker.

That's perfect casting Robert, only joking Robert. That Paul Whitehouse Robert, I bet he's got a nice tight ass. Would you say so Robert? I said, I don't really know Bill, he keeps himself fit Paul, so yeah probably- You've never looked at Paul Whitehouse as us. Well I'm just, I have and I think it's probably pretty tight actually. Yeah. To be honest, and I told the old man that, he says, generally speaking, Robert, does he prefer a slack on a gene, Robert?

I said, oh, I've thought back. I think he likes a chain, oh, actually, Bill Slim fit. Quite sure on the leg I've always noticed, and he pulls him really quite high up into his crotch. Quite a betrayal of his work in classrooms, that's what he does. That's not judgeable. I mean, Chino's aren't expensive now, and they are comfortable for the older guy. Well, at this point, I'm going to mention they've been pulled into the crotch. The older ones suddenly pulls into a layer by almost slamming

the brakes on, you know. Yeah, get out, Robert. Get out of the the car Robert, do it now Robert. So I get out and obviously he joins me He says show me Robert show me how we wears them Robert stand by that little bin and show me Robert So I pull my jeans up tight into me crotch and stand there by the little bit With me asked first in the old man. He says oh, it'sacquery to Robert, put one hand on the rim of the bin and turn your head around to first me Robert. So I do as I told, like, and he takes out his phone. He says, right, turn your head round Robert and look over your shoulder Robert.

So that's what I do. He says, now says, so chusa, does my bum look big in this? And today I shall mostly be heisting machinos or pie Robert. So that's what I do, we take the snaps and we get back in the van. Okay. And it old one, it's another fucking word, and they so it's a bit unusual, isn't it? So we're at the outdoor. Well that's not it. No, no, no, so we're at this place in the Hexham, there's like dormant, like, huts and there's like a big swimming pool where you have to do a surf because for canoeing before they allow you onto the river.

So, but where's the, what you're getting your wetsuit? We all getting the wetsuits and then you got to get in the canoe and do that role. Yeah. And sure that you're capable of doing that. First in, Biffy Clire, all right. Now he's been drawing all over his wetsuit with a silver marker pen. And it's interesting, interesting.

What is the things he's written? He's written ardent, lemon curd, nought mappers, and plus single domingo. Sounds like a checklist. Well, that's a new EP. Yeah, come on out. Did you see them at Glastonbury? No.

Oh, shit, they were good man. Well, anyway, it turns, it gets in turns around like a fricking salmon and we all be honest. Yeah. Well done, but I think that's what I was talking about. Next up to me, right, but just as I'm going to get into the pool, the town clerk gives me a little tap on me ass. Just a little tap. Older man grabs his wrist, right? Matthew, what do you think you're doing, Matthew? How dare you touch Robert on his apple, it got Matthew. So, he opposes,

I get in a struggle a bit, but I managed to write myself and climb back out. And the vicar is then just about to get in, and the oldman stops him, he says, I'll go in next if you don't mind Colin. In gets the old man big fucking splash here, but before he reaches the canoe he starts sinking a bit and his arms flailing, he's in trouble. So without thinking, not that I'm brave or anything, but I jumped in, grabbed him by his waist and I dragged him to the side with his hands tightly holding on. He was on just near my ass, that's he had to. He was just grabbing. Then fuck this is awful and the alone you know I should be saying. It's then suddenly his grip just releases. That's not awful. Well yeah and he's just drowning you know. He's like going to stiff, you know like not alright Andrew. The others like not all right, Andrew.

The others get a few more others getting, we're dragging the side of the pool, and I unzip the front of his suit and his chest is all covered with like lard, he sort of render, you know, for warmth and that. And I can't hear a heartbeat as I rest my head on his chest. So I spit out a few long lardy hairs that have got caught on me mouth. CPR I shout, he needs CPR. CPR whispers the older man. I need CPR. I ask Biffy to help but he's just scribbling on his face. He's fucking doing, he's no good. I hear the older man whispering again so so I put my ear next to his Robert you do it Robert

I'll pull my wet suit up into your crotch and you say so she said after every kiss So I just get on of it. It's just to build with your mind's life It's just risk isn't it? Yeah one big bonus snog after another yeah goes on for eighties and that's how I think. Is she, you know what, there's nothing wrong with him. Why am I doing it, but I didn't stop. You know, a town cloud, furious, by the way. Suddenly, the old man pushed me off and he gets up and he says, well, you luck, that was just a simulation

to see you would step up. And just as I thought, it was Robert, brave Robert. As a reward, Robert can share the honeymoon suite with me in the hotel. The rest of you were in your tents. So did you think that story was a bit like a film? I thought it was a lot more like a play. Like a little play.

Do you think it would, if I made it into a short film, it would win cans, films or the, what is it, the, it doesn't one of the actors, like the Steve McQueen festival or something. Golden... Golden nuts. Oh, whatever. Did you think it felt? You think it felt like a player, some... They would have put it on Channel 4 at about half a 11 at night in FNK4.

Not bad, though, is it? They wouldn't put it on now. I'm pretty happy with that, Andrew. I'm off and all that stuff now, but you know, back then. put it on now. I'm pretty happy with that Andrew. I'm often all that stuff now, but you know, back then. Is there anything you want to say just at this moment, Andy? Can I call you a shit? Yeah, of course you can.

You're fucking shit. Nice one, thank you. Hey, I had one of them foot long sausage rolls this week. We're saying them. Oh, does him. Morrison's. One. A lot.

Wondered in a Morrison's for the first time time in ages and then right in the in the four year Yeah, it's a big display the foot long sausage roll how much is it foot foot foot long and about a good four inches wide Yeah, it wasn't like a thinny mini one. It was like proper probably proportioned how thick was the Todd of sausage in the middle Oh thick enough thick enough. thick enough. thick enough. There's a good case in the pastry and the butter was, you know. you've enjoyed it. I mean, yeah, I've got a lovely

smile on your face. I think it was like, you know, it was like injuring a telephone. Yeah. it was took us that long to wait. there's various phases. There was a leation initially and then there was sort of like tedium. after a while.

and then I got drunk. and then it just got drunk on sausage. and then I got drunk and then it just got drunk on sausage. No, I got drunk while I was eating. All right. It's the day I went, oh, let's start off at like, take time. Do you have this war? Time I finished it. No, I didn't. I just had it called by the time I finished it, it was like, half 11. Yeah, I was just pissed. I think if you warm a sausage roll, the problem with that is it reveals the unpleasantness a bit, don't it? It reveals the fat.

If you get one that's being warmed within the bakery, that's all right, but when you get one you're bought cold and then reheat it, it's never the same. But you know our main idea, cold sausage roll, you can almost convince yourself it's not an alpha, you know, you don't see the fats or feel the fats as much. That's all I'm saying. No, you're probably right.

That's just coming from someone who's had a heart condition though. I wouldn't need a one foot. That's, so it's less than 10p, an inch. Yeah. Doesn't make it seem that cheap when you think of it like that. One inch of. Go on up the one foot, ain't I think. It's just an initial entry offer.

Say 10p for an inch of sausage roll. Suddenly that doesn't. Are you pay about 70, pens for a one in Greg's? It's only like six inches or... Yeah. ...a few inches long. No, I'm not doing it relative to Greg's or whatever. I'm just saying, like, generally speaking.

And 10 pence for an inch of sausage roll doesn't seem great, really. You not think? Not really, no. Not on this day and age. I'm not a room one again. I went to a screening, Andrew. Screening of a war film, right?

Special screen. How did you get invited to that? Because I'm a VIP special. Right. Special. Even still in 2017. Still getting. Too fucking right, yeah.

And what I did was was Daru O'Brien was in the seat behind me. Right. Right. And, um, I've, well Brian was in the seat behind me, right? And, um, I've, well, I've tried to tape it, what went, what went on Andy and I taped a little bit of it on me for on, see if it. What? So, er, we have a job to do. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So I told I did do I told I did take another one. I'll try the other one see. I don't know whether this is What's going on? It's a pain in my neck. What's going on? Well, I had to hold it in my belly. Yeah. It's hard to turn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just trying to watch the front. So, what was it? I had to work to take that plan? I don't know, there's a doubt about it. I had a word with him. Now that I've got it, I'll feed the paper band. I'll take the cord again. You know where you should just take the cord. Oh, yeah, that's the last one. So I actually left. I've started about 40 minutes in the film.

Right, so I'm left. It's terrible. What's the film, is it? Don't care. I know it's illegal to record. To rip. The film track. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm a criminal illegal to record. To record? The film track. Yeah. Well, I'm a criminal then. Yeah. Listen to these, I've got some things that have been in Vanity Fair magazine this month.

Right. In their in or out section. Does that mean like trendy or not trendy? That's exactly what it means to be right. I want you to tell me which one you think these are in or out. Okay. Lories. Loriesries in my life in Right, okay, oversized slippers in

Music out. Yep Ironically watching all episodes of Hannah Gordon's water cooler challenge Fuck that out. Yeah Non-ironically watching all episodes of Hannah Gordon's What a Color Challenge in Nice the Tab of the Huntly Mysteries books Beautiful in in very good. Thank you very much You're gonna tell me what I got right and run one out of six one out of six bloody. I was it lorries I've just you know I take care of you do film and TV, box set news. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just want to say that I very much enjoyed OZARC. I think you

find that on Netflix. Yes. And I very much, I might have said this before but I do recommend sneaky Pete and start up which are on Amazon I think. Anyway, why it's question. Perhaps if you're in the future, if you tell me what you're going to watch, I could watch them too, and we could maybe get some content out of it. Just a thought. Instead of you just reading out a list. I know, but you're not as fucking lazy as me, Andy. I mean, I've watched doors arc in two days, so that's six hours a day. And you wouldn't do that, would you? I'd be busy with the sausage roll.

Exactly. Why is questions? Go on then. Hello Andy she says. Hello Bob's wife. Andrew, do you have a tourist information centre in Sunderland? And if so, does it just give directions to the Johnny factory and the pox clinic? Just a nice question about the tourist. I don't know if we have one we used to have one. Yeah, shut down because of the flames. Okay, if you did have one, right, what would be its number one recommended?

So an American or an Mexican comes in, right? It says, he English tourists, but what's nice to see here? I want a powerful sight. Probably the rock poles at the beach with the crabs in. Oh, that's nice. I believe the six dead crabs in there at the minute. Are the human crabs, or? I don't know, well, I don't know, they might be. You never know.

They're not the motionless. Well, they were on until September the 29th. All right. And you have to, what, you have to pair to say them. Yeah, there's a waiting list. To say the dead crabs. The dead crabs of Sunday. Yeah.

Is it full of Todd as well? I'm not sure. Andrews, is it true that the lass is in Sunderland when they're on a night out, carry their spare knickers around in buckets? Is that true, she says? I don't know, I haven't had a night out in Sunderland for a long, long time.

Right, he, okay, that's fine. There's been possible to answer out, Andrew, but you can say, by looking at first, I do like to. You're enjoying yourself, yeah. What in your fungal, oh, do you have a special turpentine bowl and spatula to release your feet

when they get attached to the sticky nylon carpet? No. No. You just pull them off and it, if it's some skin comes off, it's fucking. All. No. No. You just pull them off and it is some skin comes off. It's fucking yeah. All right fair enough. And I meant to get to the turntine ball if I've stuck with the fucking carpet. Well I think she's thinking maybe a position it's centrally with a long handle. Long sit down. Long handled scratch. I sit down for the evening. Is that it? Yeah that's it. Well I've got some questions here from the blood relatives. Oh, I can't wait.

There you go, Bob. What do you call your front part below your chest? Do you call it your tummy, your belly, your gut or something else? Tummy. You tummy. Yeah. Bob's tummy. Yeah.

What do you call it? You fucking gut. Your belly. All right, belly. No, you've said tummy. All right, you fucking got. You belly? All right, belly. You've said tummy. All right, tummy, Bob. Who do you blame whenever something in your stupid life

goes wrong? Is it a woman, the foreigners, or yourself? Myself, that's a lie. Third question. Ha! Yeah. Harvest is approaching, Bob. Are you planning a harvest festival in your village? And will you once again be performing a human sacrifice using the offcuts from your secret

DNA murder lab? DNA murder lab. Yeah. What I murder DNA. That don't make no sense. Well, I don't live in a village. I live in a town. Right. What am I doing? Am I erecting a human sacrifice using the offcuts from your secret DNA? This is just what my kid said. Secret DNA murder lab.

No, Andrew, that's all bullshit. Don't do any, I don't do any of that. You looked out the window there. You said that. You couldn't sort of look me in the eye and say, I look in the eye and say no. I don't want you to. You've already looked away now so I can't look in the eye. Exactly. Which I think proves me point. That's very trick. That's a trickster. Steve McLaren, interested?

Well, what would happen if I said no? Well, I've got a good song. I mean, if you said no, politely, I would move on. Be-be-personally not asked. The-the listenership might be- Probably might be. Go for it. So, when we last saw Steve, right, he was on a train bound for Glasgow yeah and Casper Snit was I can I just add yeah what was Steve McLaren been linked with this week?

Well, I know it all ties in I'm gonna mention it are you all fucking ties in right okay? Do you think these aren't this isn't factual? So when I like me and Casper's on a train heading for in Venice right right so with those people looking through I think must be fans for in Venice right? Right. So with those people looking through... I think must be fans. I see. I see. Are they really? Yeah. You kidding me? Of themselves. We'll get you tits out. Oh yeah, as well, I'll just jump my boys and girls which is a shame. So and Casper's heading to win Venice. So I stay, he gets all over guard and explains his predicament. The guard, I don't know if you remember for the purposes of the story, all British Rail employees are Welsh. And I've stuck with

that. Yeah. Oh, that's terrible, sir. Excuse me, sir. Why have you got a crescent of ham on your head? That's not a ham crescent, sir, Steve. That's me mid-head Oxbow Leigh, your Rodney Plunker. It separates my hair island from the mainland hair. Let me tell you all about it. Let me take you to the West Sussex Dows. Come with me, squeeze me, listen to the sounds. Well, laugh, well dance, you'll pat me on the head. If you're a lady, we might just end up in me bed. I'm a creature with a feature that will blow your gypsy mind.

I have a hairstyle, it's unique mind that nature has designed. Mid-head Oxford, why don't you jump on in? Mid-head Oxford, it's perfect for a swim. Do you know what to mean? Do you feel me? It's bigger than both of us. It's a new way. Full of giant hole. It's a made head oxbow, take it for a spin. It's a made head oxbow, it's made from actual skin.

Please world, you've got to listen. Together we can end the madness. A different world where harmony costs snuffing. The front bits an island full of fruit and spice. The back lot is a country where everything is nice. On Sundays and Monday no one goes to sleep. You can cross to the island the water's not that deep there's a market at the street food and home apartment or the upper

fee there's a park and a cafe where the sausage rolls are free I'm offering you a life free from pain and skilled doggery a self-spares a fair space where you can sleep of a life without pain and hardship. Mid. It's a mid-head Oxford, not new hope for humankind. Mid-head Oxford will take away your fears. Mid-head Oxford will lubricate your fears. You have to believe me, it's a movement and uprising.

It's got a lot going for it. Come on, sign up, it's a movement, an uprising. It's got a lot going for it. Come on, sign up, let's change things for the many, not just the few. What do you think, Andy? Seven out of ten. Seven, you fucker. So the guard says, how in the very hell, sir? I tell you what, I'll phone ahead to Coventry and ask the station master to hold the train.

We're only five minutes behind, lovely boy, that's nice in it. So they get to Coventry and the station master's on the platform. And him and Casper are playing with Casper's Boeing-Boying button. Have an arach good laugh, so that's nice, isn't it, Emily? Um, I'm Mr McRuller and is it? What a lovely snake! What's his name? Bloody Rodney Plunko if I had my way. So Stake cause he's a bit of an eye-dandy cause he nicked off to the wrong train. Come on Casper, let's get a far ton. So the Stash Masters as I've told the guard to allow you in first class, less people. Be nicer for Casper in it, boy oh there's lovely and tidy in it so they

get settled Casper looks a bit bashful and Steve won't even look at him when he rests his head on Steve's lap he's in the right old got a carbon with him suddenly there's a lot of houffing and puffing and out of the toilet comes Sean Daish he's on his way back to Burnley right probably have to change at Preston or something I don't know. Yeah, right. So, um, and he's, uh, he's been, we're big exhibition in London of those machines that shaggy. You know them? Yeah. So, shit. Says, all right, Steve, all right, Casper. Do you mind of that, join you? I've just had a child and some company takes me

mind off the egg. I get in my ball sack after I've passed the hobbit soccer too Not at all eight. How's it going? Burnley? All right, he says just dreading water for keep me head down I might get England job when Southgate gets his final taxi If not, I'm gonna open up a welding academy once we go down No foreigners just local lads. Oh my bloody balls. Now at this point in the day, Andy, I heard about Danny Rose saying he was an athlete

with his wedges. He wants to go north, doesn't he? And he wants to go up north. So I'm going to abandon that story. Right. To tell you, because I got straight on the phone to me, contacted Spurs a turning ground So this is what happened when he this is true what happened when he turned I'm sure he's yesterday

Well he arrived at the Enfield or something in his white and black Trench court checked trench court and his Jimmy Chill crocodile high top Stanley Nor sooner he stepped out of his car that he was grabbed from behind right and a large Gucci hold-all was pulled over his head His hands were turned behind his back and he was bundled into the boat of a Bentley Right, right so fearing he was being kidnapped he started to count to 10 then back down to one Then back up to 10 good and a kid absolutely. I think I know why he did it. I don't think it's gonna help him But the thought that he was doing something probably helped

dressed his mind, you know what I mean? I'm shitting myself. Yeah, about 20 minutes later, the car came to a halt at the boot opened and he fans himself staring at three masked men all wearing black heads at all. He was in a dead end alley, so that's not a very nice place to end up in, is it? No. No, no. The first floor in the mask. The first floor in the mask. I'll call him mask one. Yeah. Right. He says, you have been kidnapped, Mr.

which I know is very upsetting, but we're pretty tough guys and don't give a sloughery buffery about other people's feelings. Oh, I wonder who he is. Oh, I know. It was like a wrong one. Mask 2. Yes, our second act, we are very nasty lot and will stop at nothing. If you don't cooperate, we might even doubt you

with bunkering water that is potentially riddled with jams. So, Danny says, hey, look, Debbie, Ari, can you take this bag off, please, and untie me, and so he spotted straight away, oh it was. Mask one, already basically. Shit, we have been rumbled, we match as well, take our masks off. So what's all this about you being a snitch

and bad mouth in the super lily whites? It's very disrespectful and unpleasant. I'm tempted to call you a snake and grass. Debbie, you are just asking to feel our frustration, hate, how do you think the posh fields hearing your poison not very happy I should think I wouldn't be surprised if you had to pat his brow with a hanky. Danny says all all I said was that we should sign some bigger players and if not I'm up off

up north. Harry says the grass isn't always greener Danny. You get some very unpleasant types up north. Derby says, yes, there are people in Manchester with very slack manners. And some people in Liverpool can be very sloppy in regards to their dental health. Danny says, yeah, but I'll get paid five times as much a week. And I might actually win something, you know, Harry said, don't be silly Danny. Why are you telling us fibs? Super spurs. Pay the best wages to the best people to achieve the best outcomes for the best fans. He says, look, if you don't believe me, listen to this message, I got from Kyle Walker plays on his phone. He says, how you done? Just wanted to confirm, yeah, I'm on 150, uh, care

a week. But I do. And I got this one from Adam Lillian, Lillian, and he says, all right, Dan, you fucker. I'm on 200 K a week. Get your fat ass up here. In fact, I fucking insist that marino, bro, we got them. Oh, it's a fucking joke. He don't even moisturize. Can you believe it? He's gonna need bucket loads of concealer soon if we don't buck his fucking ideas up So they're really like shit. It must be true. So Harry says right get in the car Danny if this is true Not only am I just stressing upset. I also feel I have been pithily wiffled Let's go and have it out with Mr Levi.

And off they go. Right? Now I know what happens, Andy. But I want you to check the press. Keep an eye on your Twitter feeds, et cetera. And you check out and see what happens with Debbie Ali. You really confirm that a little bit? Just keep your eyes on your Twitter feeds and that.

We'll do. Did you think that a little bit? Just keep your eyes on your Twitter feeds and that. We'll do. Did you think that story, Andy? So I like that element, so that film running. Do you know Ron? And the trench coat. Bit. Do you like, yes? The trench coat and the...

And the card. The classic. That might be the Matrix, Andy. Do you think that film was a little, that story was a little bit like the Matrix? No. No, you bastard. Hey, should we have a trip to see Vince Passnips and Marion? Alright.

You want a fame tune? You want a fame tune? What would you call it? Dial P for Passnips? Something like that. Why not? Here comes the thing, tune. Alright. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, thing to do. Hey Marion get your suitcase back from your sister we're going on all

a day. Really Vince? Really? But how? We haven't got any money. I know. It's not gonna cost us a penny. I've landed a job working as a holiday camp comic doubt South four weeks work and we head off tomorrow. Oh Vince that's amazing now I'll be at the fort to get the dogs warmed. It's gonna be an un-ultimately show-marion after the kids are gone to bed so I've written some slightly more risque material. I've been working on it secretly for two months so I can surprise you. Eve, Vince I'm all of a quiver? Go on then, let's hear some of your routine. Alright, here we go.

Hey, hey, hey! Come closer, I'll tell ya! Come closer! Do you remember, right? Do you remember bonking? Hey, dear! Back in the nineteen eight! Yeees!

Oh, I did when Shagging went out of business. Do you remember? Oh, madam, if I see a bonk later on, I do, yeah? Listen, no, listen, you'll like this one. Do you remember? Do you remember? No, seriously, do you remember? Hanboks and Hydros, do you remember them?

A child on your wife's brow and she was out and that poster of the tennis last scratching her ass? And watching Porky's on the VHS! And Porky's too! On the VHS! Big tits! Little tits! Ooh, you weren't wrong, is it? Bit blue Vince? Where is it Vince? When do we go? Ian, oh, Murray, I have a look at this letter, all the details are in here. Oh, here you go, Maria, have a look at this letter. All the details are in here.

Oh, let's have a look. Oh, this is very exciting. Right, so it's Kamba Sans, and we're head off first thing tomorrow morning. Oh, Vince, what's that love? What's wrong? I don't think you've read this letter properly, Vince. Uh-oh.

It says you're gonna be playing the role of Tommy Squeaker in the Billy Bunker's date, I'm fun squad. You're gonna be working the role of Tommy Squeaker in the Billy Bunkers date and fun squad. You're gonna be working in the kids club Vince. You can't use any of that material. What? Well it took me weeks to write it! I'm gonna be at the court with another routine by tomorrow. Oh Vince, hang on Marion. I think I know what was behind this. Is that Robert fucking web again? Oh Vince! behind this is that Robert fucking web again Oh vines D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d You might like to interview him. You're skinny saying that's hard there. Shall I get Barry all morning? You want to interview him?

Yeah, yeah, he's there. Oh, they're gone. You might be able to fall back in the rain. Yeah, that's pretty complicated. I'll get out. I'll get out of here. You get out, yeah. Hi! Barry!

Hi! Welcome to the podcast. Hey, it's great to be here. Yeah. All right. So, Barry, you're a homeowner, obviously. Would you give our listeners a quick description of your home? Oh, yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Well, it's modern Georgian, and an exclusive cul de sac, small grass front lawn, large abat garden, one third, decking two thirds lawn and borders, room for two cars on the drive, up and over, automated garage door, really sweet. The sort of place an actor or a fine art dealer second, two thirds, lawn and borders, room for two cars on the drive up and over automated garage door, really sweet. The sort of place an actor or a fine art dealer might aspire

to. Yep, yep, yep. So, like, like, Bruxide. Yeah, that kind of, um, upmarket vibe with the George and twist. Yeah. All right, George and twist, right? Okay. And Barry, if you've got a mortgage, you'll, you know, do you own the house out right? Yeah. The mortgage off. Yeah. Got to. Yeah. I got a fixed, great mortgage, right? That I switch a roux every two years, banking industry fucking hates me. If there's a hoop, I jump into it with my eyes shut and my fucking shirt and button pal.

Wow. Yeah, yeah. Barry, do you have a wife or girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, what, yeah, well, I mean, my wife did a leave a runny on me about six months ago. Basically, we were in Compartor, Pata. Do, well, I mean, my wife did a leave Aruni on me about six months ago. Basically, we were in Compartor partata. Do you know what to mean?

Incompatible. I love sports, I love cars, designer clothes, designer haircuts, designer furniture. She was a slob. They're a set in a fucking slobbit artist, a D.O.C.I. Oh, you're not like Bob? Barry, what makes your house so special? Oh, you know, I'm not sure. I mean, I think most of all it's the vibe.

It's like, you know, it's like I went to a beather. Bottle the vibe and painted my walls with it, yeah. Have you baked your beather? No, man, that's too busy making my money tree. You know what I mean? Yup, yup, yup, yup. Right, what does it do for a living, mean? Yep, yep, yep, right. What does it do for a living? Yeah, I'm a dick model. Oh, only jokes. Yeah, I'm head of

Tally sales for Britain's fifth largest electrical retailer. Yeah, A.O. I've got so much responsibility on my shoulders that I have to wear a backpack 24 fucking salmon. Okay. Yeah, what car do you drive, Barry? Yeah, Red Audi TT, Turbo Diesel, one of the fastest sports cars in the south of England. Brutal, if you floored at the lights or at the Car Park Exit, opposite Frankie and Bennings. Yeah. Oh, I'm totally Barry.

Oh, I'd say medium height. Yeah, medium height. Yeah, medium height, round 55. Yeah, that area. Medium, you see? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, well, tall is still winning when my cowboy Medium, you see? Yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah. Are you sure? Yeah, well, tall is still one of my cowboy boots,

which are usually arm, yeah. Okay, thanks, thanks for joining us to the Barry Home owner. Yeah, well, I hope you've enjoyed it. Hey, I'm just networking out there in the office. Right. If you need any more, okay? If I do, I'll let you know. Yeah. That's Barry, yeah.

Cheers. That was hilarious. Are we still on there? Yeah. I thought I was good, did you? Yeah, I was probably getting the podcast actually. Yeah, I was fucking hilarious. Cheers! That was hilarious. Are we still on there? Yeah. I thought I was good, did you? Yeah, I was probably getting the podcast actually. Yeah, I was fucking hilarious. You're really good. See you anyway. Bye! So, I was a bit of a prick.

He's a bit of a prick. And he fucking's not me tall, is he? He provided a good two-minute content loss, so that was good. Yeah, he's not me tall, is he? Tommy Little fella. He'd do all right in the limbo contest. Shit, yeah. In a booth, if he ever went there.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ So, I was in South Africa. Well, yeah. As you know, last year it was. And lots of things happened to you. Some terrible things happened to you. So, I was in the hotel. I really fancy some chocolate.

Do you ever get that? Oh, yeah. Usually it's a bit a flake or buttons, the taste to them will just end up in my mind and I need them, right? I suck a twirl. Oh, a twirl, a greasy twirl. With its greasy covering, the ripple was cooking greasy.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Mix up. Sort of. Oh yeah. Oh, it works up there. So they didn't have any fucking, they have this chocolate, like cooking chocolate at the hotel.

It's shit, so I thought I'll walk up, I'd say in a garage, just normal, a garage shell garage, just sort of thing. So I walked up the road, see if they had any. As I walked through the forker, there's a block like cleaning, sweeping up, cleaning the pumps and that. I said, oh mate, do you sell chocolate here? And he says, no mate, you need to go to Rudy's great selection, blow your fucking mind.

I said, I wear Rudy's and he spotted I was British. So he said he'd show me, right? I thought it was nice of him. So we walk up the road a bit. He says he really likes the bounty. Right, but in fact, he says, I prefer the bounty, but the star bars are genuine beauty. What are you gonna get?

I says, I fancy a Mars bar, might love a crunchy. Get to rules as he says, he says, white hair. Rudy doesn't lock the British. Give me the runs and I'll get the bars. And I only have a 10 round, yeah, to about £5. Right. So I trust him, I give him, he comes out of a little carrier bag full of chocolate bars. Asked me where I'm staying, I tell him, he says,

Oh, follow me, I know a shortcut. And he goes down this alley full of like, I got the ones, it was discocked like full of dog dirt, used condoms, nappies, that sort of thing. And suddenly he stops and he, so I imagine how awful this is, and he pulls out a really long hunting knife. Sharp, still hunting knife.

He says, take off your clothes and bend over. So you nose is touching a dog bath. Pfft! Pfft! Well, the knife in the face, I was like, what else can you do? I do as I'm told. Yeah? Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! Baff! just then I hear another voice. Get out the fuck outta here, you fucking gangbanger! It's Rudy, from Rudy Store. He says, hi I'm Rudy, you okay? I says, yeah, thank you so much.

He was making me put chocolate into me, I thought, do you think he would have killed me? He said, you bet English, he would have bludgeoned you with a condom full of dogbeth. Fucking gangbangers, you've got to love him. And that's what another incident that happened in. Into the incident involved the exposure of your ears. Yes, it's a peril.

Strange country. It's a very bizarre country. Yeah, full of villains, full of heroes. That would have stopped after Mandala got out, but no, seemingly not. Just carrying on like that. Bob, we're going to have to end that, I'm afraid, because we've got Robert Peston and

D'Oro, brain out cycle. Yeah! They've got the studio boot from off 11 so we're going to have to call it a day. Yeah, I'd better get out before they arrive. Yeah, I think so. I wouldn't look big enough to get out of over there. You reckon? Yeah.

See you folks, I'm off. Bye. 1 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ � Thank you.