Athletico Mince - Ep. 49 - Rafa and the Spherical Lump

Episode Date: August 25, 2017

The White Harts head to the Toon, Barry Homeowner sings for us, Bob has another frustrating cinema visit and some other stuff happens. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See out for details. Oh, Kandro. Milk is off. Milk's all was off, but let's start today, Andrew, with some heart, what, I like that. What are you, some kind of GP? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right, and it's GP. Yeah, general practitioner.

I've been a lot of far too often these last few weeks. Oh, how's your health, Bob? Oh, thank you. Anyway, what were you saying? So, let's start off with some heart warming sounds from the Cation Cali, probably a Costco in Sunderland. All right. Yeah. All customers are reminded that

Blue Drink is restricted to one pallet or 98 individual bottles per member. Owpet, get our 12 box of Neurofenwillia, Ronnie Yeats is rock and roll expressor on it, the Legion of Night. Ma'am, can we get divers and chips from cheap and cheaply on the way home? Now you can't eat the council's shut it down because Mock was dripping into the kitchen from the bags of dog bath thrown on the roof. Right Ma'am, that will be 45 pounds 50. Would you like a culminatinging to your mort-bed? Cos Ben Kenny is in the car park with a machete.

And there we go, that's so how are we sounds of Cosco's unlearned? That's for me, that's something that was spieto because I'm not a retailer, so I don't get a Cosco card. Well, I can imagine. It's what it's like, yeah. Andy, and listeners, he is the finger.

Right. You drive past looking, wantonly is a word, to a cost go, right? I think, no, if only. Truth is, Andy, you can just be an individual member. You simply have to pay a small fee, which you recoup the moment you buy a giant box of washing powder. I thought this podcast was sponsored by Harries.com. Oh, no, I don't, any of the, any of the, you know, there are other whatever they call it,

the Caching Calis. Er, the other, but... You don't need to be a retailer, they're getting... No! I've got a Cusco, Cusco. The skills are falling from my eyes, Bob. My Christmas trip to Cusco is one of the highlights of me years. Is it?

Yeah, it really is. Perhaps I could come with you this year and make a dough with a pop-up. Oh, perhaps of course you couldn't. You know what to mean? That's another option, yeah. I'll give you a name, Choi Sandi. Please do.

Would you like to be Ricky Pickles? Oh, he's 50. Oh, he's 50, tall slim, thin, long blonde hair, right? Denon jacket and jeans, white converse, works for D.H.L. and he's got tattooed on his fingers Fuck parcel force tattooed yeah company man yeah on his fluently yes so you might like that I like them okay Johnny Concore right? Emiable bike thief yeah it's what he would describe himself as happy to

do time occasionally because his wife's always nearing him in the balls for a daft laugh, it's your name. Now, Eul, he's got one of them legs like Oscar Pistorius. So that's nice, isn't it? Thoughts that might work, Eul. So, company man or Johnny Kongo? Johnny Kongo, please. Hi, Johnny.

How about yourself as couple of traces for you here? Lenny Biscuits. Now Lenny hides Bisc yourself? It's a couple of choices for you here. Lenny biscuits. Now Lenny hides biscuits in his tracksuit top up the arse there. Right. Get to the till and then he slides them out. Right. And he says, I caught a nick, but I didn't.

Nice, right? And he puts a fiber down. So he hasn't got to get them out of his tracksuit. Because obviously the cost less than a fiber. Yeah. And it's not illegal to not scan not scammed the barcord. Okay. He's under no over the Fiverr and he's getting the biscuits

and he feels like he's an victim. And he funds that by stealing perfume from Debenham's. Okay, so let's forget the Debenham's side of things. I'm not interested in that, right? Right. What he does down out, down the ass does, perfectly kosher. I couldn't make these. I couldn't make these, but I didn't.

I couldn't, I think. Because he hasn't walked out through the door with him in his truck suit. Yeah. He's just make these but I didn't. I couldn't. I think because he hasn't walked out through the door with him in his truck suit. Yeah. He's just kept them there. Not illegal. Right, he'll. Oh, they're not suggestive. So he lands a five or down on the check out. I think you need to change. I'm, well, I might consider being him if you check. I think he said, I couldn't let them. Fine. Yeah. I think you need to go right down for the second bit. Bora-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da No one knows this because it's actually in behind the mask and they never get to see Behind the mask. Yes, that's his favorite bit of bastardry. Yeah, he also does all the law level stuff like Glow and pound coins on the road outside the food bank and Loosen in the tops on the salt sellers in the Azdaqaf right here. So there's you choice it me Lenny biscuits are the masked bastard

Well, I'm gonna be Lenny right with that little twist and it. With that little twist again, thank you, you'll do it. I got a lick these! Moranident! They're like Moranident. Moranident! You've got your medal on there again, Bob, today. It says Sharp Shooter. Sharp Shooter, yes.

And then when you got... Did you got an emergency, did you? I wasn't if you got it at the retired entertainer's day center that you got it out now and again. Ha ha. Never go at such a place. I got it in America. No, no, no.

No, no, no. Just the bronze though. Yeah, it is just the bronze. Yeah, just the bronze. Brown perfectly proud of it. Good for you. Thank you. Thank you.

Went the pictures this week. What are you saying? Well, I didn't go at the pictures. I went to a private screen and yeah, a preview of a film called The Dark Tower. Yeah, it's based on Stephen King novels apparently. It's a nice preview theatre and so, invite only Andy. Did you invite Cone? It must have got lost in the...

It must have got lost in the post. You got a nice gift bag, right? You got a DVD of the film. The bronze medal. A little model of Idris Elba sat on top of a shed. So that's nice, isn't it? A little trial size bottle of perfume called Movie Goor. So that made me feel part of the movie.

It was awful, did it? Anyway, the film had already started, right? When InWalks walks Darra O'Brien Oh Christ Greg Wallace David Walliams and the frickin' sit right behind me Well as usual they ruined the film so I got a recording of it Okay, just play it now on me, machine the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the Oh Good day, Ed. Love Jesus. But if there is a magical kingdom, we only need you.

So I took a little thing. Well, I've got to see, I'm quite pleased I didn't come along. That's what it's like. Oh, is it ruined it? I didn't leave. I went down the front left. I was far too near the screen. Terrible film.

What was it? I went and said, I've had two real doppers this week. Atomic Blond and the Dark Tower. What's the Dark Tower as well, is it? Ah, awful, man. So bad. So I was going to do a story about something that happened earlier on, but it turns out that it involves a friend of yours, so this is the bit where I don't do that.

Oh, I'm sorry about that. I mean, it's difficult. That's so great. We're not going to tell him it was. It's so difficult because like Dara or Brian, yeah, he's a lovely, Dave Walliams drag. They're all friends of yours. But, um, I think those Parsons, if you know, like, I wouldn't, you can't touch Parsons, you can't to, to Hugh Scully, you can't touch, you know, none of the, Mad Sir close friends. And before, before I have an experience, I'll run the participants by you can't touch. You know, none of them. Mavisery. Close friends. And before I have an experience, I'll run the participants by you in the future. Thank you, if you could.

MUSIC Premier League has started, Andy. Yeah. Sean Dysch is men of beaten Chelsea, Chelsea, beaten Spurs, Man United, the score 8, in two games, Huddersfield, West Brom. And that's the football content out of the way.

That's a football. But it's a nice way of introducing what's been happening with the gangs of the E-P-L. So I was in the North Face, Andy Doney Charity night for the Older Man, you know, raising money to buy reinforced bedroom doors for the Daff kids. Already it's a crossover, I'm liking it. So I went to the Newcastle Spurs match, you know why I'm not, I've got another look, VIP tickets, players lounge sit down male, you know, the full shit on the six months, you know what I mean? Even the NUFC napkins on the table. So it says, I've embroidered on it,

didn't wipe your ass with this. It's for one hands and spillage, up the tune. That's nice touch, isn't it? It's all Jordy grub, you know what I mean? Chicken strips, dark mate pies, not light chicken, poor, dark mate pies, jelly and carnation bread and butter bait base that sort of thing I'm sat you know it's like a legends lounge thing. That's lounge players. I'm sat with Peter Beadsley

So Peter Beadsley says to me You get buckled up I said I'm so sorry. I didn't catch that he says so I'm gonna have to get those from you. Is it often? No I said not to have to. My man tried to be in case. I'm not on the wires I don't know if you can't. I just said yeah I agree Peter are you having a nice time. He said to me I'm're supposed to let me just,

everyone's so tall and I'm close to bright. Sometimes I feel a little bothered, but you're not, you're not, you're not, you're not. I just, I just drift off. Because I say, John, John, Selvi, going into the toilets. Now, I follow him because you know me

and the arc and smell trouble. Yeah. And you might remember in the match, John, John. And he rakes of it, though. Yeah. And you might remember in the match John John. And he rakes of it though. Yeah and John John stood on Debbie Ali's ankle and got sent off right. So I sneak in the toilet,

getting the cubicle next to Jer-Jay. So he takes off his amani james, right? And his belt buckle falls, so I can just see it underneath the cubicle. And it's been engraved with the words, I am an adult wolf, which is nice, isn't it, Andy, that nice personalisation. That's what you don't know. Anyway, after a lot of strain and pushing, pushing and shoving. John John, he drops like, he drops like, perfectly

spherical lump about the size of a tennis ball. Now I know this because he took a photo of it. I was wondering. Yeah, we took a photo of it. And by mistake, he had his air share thing on. Right. So it came up on my screen. Yeah. Anyway, I could hear him trying to flush it, but I wouldn't shift.

At this point, you're confessing to the fact that you regularly visit gentleman's toilets with your air share turned on. Hope, aren't they just say what you can get. To see what I can get. See what you know, say what road that takes you down. Yeah, very enough to carry on. He sounds really frustrated, like he's saying things like, oh, that's awful.

Oh, my word, J.J., you've done it now. Cross-sakeshift, why don't you? That's he's probably a bit more, is he used in European? No? He really looks it. Well he might be descended from that. Oh might try a bit more like what's out of Ampa I speak. I want to suck your boss, that's awful. Oh my word you're there, you're done it now. Cross-site shift to why don't ya? Anyway, it gives up. Orton's is door.

They're standing in front of him is the white hearts. Harry Debbie Erick stood there, right? Now Debbie's got ankle bandage on that. The other players have put stickers on for him from his injury from Gerj. He's got stickers of sponge Bob frozen the movie, Barney the Dan saw that to cheer him up, right? Harry straying. We are here to come fun you, John-John.

That tackle you made on Debbie was very upsetting and unwarranted. No matter how frustrated you were, there was no excuse for acting like boots might not eat. He says, look, I'm sorry mate, these things happen in the heat of the moment, isn't it? Harry says, excuse me, don't you try and pour fresh cream on choppy waters? Can you not see how upset Debz is? He's in a ruffly, buffly, telling Debz, so Debz says, I am very upset, I'm down in the dumps, I'm feeling quite chiefly, roughly, what made you do it? It's like you was hurting. Did your mum not pay you attention when you was a kid?

Because to be honest your attitude stinks. Look mate, my mum was an adult wolf and my dad worked for the Mrons. So yes, I do have a nasty temper, I've said I'm sorry. Well I'm afraid that's not good enough young man. You will have to be punished and feel our purchase hate. Eric? Well, Eric reveals that he has a jug of like towing tap water in his hand. And it's got three hot dog sausages in it, aren't they?

So that's a nice number of sausages, isn't it? And now he says, we are going to throw this jug of warm water over you. It's just warm, so don't panic. It has just taken a bit of warmth from the hot sausages. It won't scold you but it won't be very present if you should cook or words fell enough. But can I just hang on my jacket in the cubicle? Eric says, don't let him boss, it might be him boss it might be a trick. It's a very good point Eric but I am satisfied that he is not about to play as a turn.

Go on go on son and you jack you up. So JJ goes back in the cubicle but he emerges with his spherical Todd in his... Oh, my God. Ari, oh, fucking hell, it was a trick. What an incumpo bad being, a dirtle boot smock volish! Look, lad, it's simple. You throw that warm water at me and Debbie gets this in his face. It's four weeks of slowly digested our wing. It's not nice at the best of times, which I'm sure you all know is actually today.

Well, Derby starts crying. Derby starts fear. If I get that on my first, I'm going to be waffled and gloomy. What a crummy thing to have happened. Well, there's a bit of what you might call Mexican standoff, do you know what I mean? The jugger-water, the Todd,

then suddenly the toilet door's opened and a massive blow in a black cape and white tights blows a trumpet and announces. So it's like, howie, howie, migwi, migwi and the kid the shitter for his highness king raffer. Well, raffer enters to another trumpet blast. Bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop! He's wearing magnificent black and white fur gown, and a crown made from magpie feathers, yeah? Yeah. So all the players know that the game's up there just like shuffle out.

I'm staying in the cubicle with my door open a bit, so it looks like it's empty. That's a good tactic in the handy. Nice one. Just as Gerger passes Raffa, Raffa stops him. He says, I'll take that nice tapas meatball to nibble at on the pot if you don't mind. Yeah, no, so Raffer gets in the cubicle next to me, gets on his phone. Oh, there's Raffer speak. I've never heard him speak.

Spanish. Spanish. Should I make him speak like that? I don't know. Hello darling. It's the king here. I miss you so much. Ah like Manuel. Okay. Alright yeah. Listen, no need to cook for the king tonight. He's just down a very heavy tapas meatballs. In a one and it's sitting very large in the King's tummy. The King will see you later. So that's a nice story, isn't it? I love the story, yeah. Did you think it would have bit like the TV box set prison break? Not really. You know what it reminded me of when Mark peered in happy days, right? Because it had that crossover thing from all the stories that you do. I said, you don't, you do know why he said, who's host at the end, or where you listen them. Is it our wing? Something. Yeah, because he's just eaten like essence of our. And it turned

him part owl. Yeah, that's what's happened. That can happen. Wife's questions. Wife's questions. All right then. Before we do that, can I... Of course. I'd like to inform you that I've done another song. Oh, fuck. But it's for the good of the world. It's about recycling.

Yeah. You know, and that kind of thing. So I'll play that to you now. How long is it? It's just a minute. Okay. It might be saying longer. I swear, it's just a minute. Okay. It might sing longer. I mean it's just, I swear it's just a minute. I'll bear it, but I'll bear it for a minute, I reckon. Here we go. If you turn on any chip, you're planting used to bright skip. I've visited my local tips as a day to deposit the malfunctioning if I fly a feature I have no

first use for. As I heard, it was a gem of a skip, that's happened but I crossed with me from the skis with some proper answer hallpogos. You yelled, hope carry my wood, it's a life of a price, give me a leave and open by the me and get for the side course, or let me go and recite the go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go I'm doing a short course. I couldn't hear what you said. That's what was intended because it's intended for repeat listening. And it'll gradually sort of seep into your consciousness like Osmosis. Is there enough there to make people want to come back for seconds?

I think there's a curiosity factor to it, yeah? Okay, that was me intention. Perhaps people would like to tweet if they did manage to think about themselves. I think I did if I any of the words that were in that song. Fine. Hey, listen up. I'm going to do a little bit of the landlord, right? But I wanted just wanted to say that in my man, the landlord isn't Barry O'Mona. No, he's not a different fellow, right? But have you ever thought that? Not for a while. Okay, so let's do a bit

of ding dong. Right. Go for it. Ding dong, landlord here. Hi, Renta. I've brought a hoover round for you. I thought you could empty the bag into your kids' litter tray, be nice and soft on their boni asses. Ding Dong landlord here, I'm afraid I'm going to have to remove the stair carpet. I needed to wrap around my feature palm plant to keep the frost off. Ding Dong landlord here, I got this new rent book for you. It's in big writing so you can understand it and has a telephone number of the Samaritans on the back. In case you need a pep talk the day before rent day. Ding Dong, landlord here, just thought you should know. I'm going to Mauritius next week. So if you have any complaints, can you write them down on a piece of paper and post it to the town dump, Peter Bruh?

Yeah. I want that happy with them, Andrew. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! It's fall, and you can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no. You can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup and maple lattes? Yes.

We can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region, see after details. Wife's questions. Yes. Andrew. When you are at the match to watch the black cats, do you have a pie before, during, and after every corner and throwing? I suppose what she's... That's ridiculous. Yeah, it's a no, like...

Because we don't get that many corners. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I suppose what she suggested is like because you look like you do. You can just fly bastard. It's lots of pies. Andrew, in Sunderland, other streets named after favourites Sunderland things, such as Dipper Street, Blue Drink Close, Form Sweet Alley, are favourites such as Todd Rod, Dabble Dog Len, Poundland Perred. No. No. OK. It is, it is awkward.

I'm going to ask the wife to do some questions that you can actually answer. Do you, do you know about Douglas Bader? I know. Something. Bader. So what would you, I would just sum him up? War hero, no legs. Right.

Well, I don't know whether this is true, but I've been told that I was gobsmacked, that far from being a war hero, right? He was actually shot down by his own crews, right? Because they hated him so much. Oh, not honestly, I mean, I was talking about this is what I was told.

I'm not saying it's true. Like, have you been reading your conspiracy website again? But here's one that I believe is more likely to be true. People, I love people, I couldn't find out from the Google search, whatever. But apparently, when he was in call dits because he was a Colonel or a general or something, he was allowed to have a bat, you know,

somewhat a servant, whatever, from the ranks. And when he was exchanged for a British, for a German Colonel, they said, right, you're free to go back to England, and you can take your fellow with you. And he said, no, fuck that. Leave him there. Leave him there.

And part, well, I don't know, but I thought it was quite interesting. Well, it could be, it could be something to talk about in a future podcast. Maybe we could do War Heroes. War Heroes special. Is that the final question from your way? De Bag War Heroes. Is that what it's called?, is that what he's called? De Bunker. War Heroes De Bunker. Is that the final question? Because I've got questions from me, kids.

Oh, God, then. Color and Morgan. Yeah. Um, well, Bob, where you live in the millionaire playground that is market harbour. Yeah. Are there any areas where blue collar workers are allowed to congregate, such as a spit and sawdust pub, an industrial unit on the outskirts of town, or maybe in a abandoned quarry where they can congregate and fight? I wouldn't know, I'm with the incendants, I expect those things exist somewhere. Outside of your realm.

Outside of my realm. Fair enough. Second question, do you know your tailor's first name name or do you only address him by his surname? I don't have a Taylor so I've no need to address him either way I've got CCTV this is you have also do you ever like you I bar my clothes from to you in Sandsbury's did you take advantage of the 25% off last week? No I saw that you did I was fucking jealous that's not my Also, do you ever allow eye contact with your tailor? I don't have a tailor, Andy.

Yes or no? Cool to sack. Yes or no? I'm calling it a cool to sack. Oh, yeah. Final question. Obviously, you travel here today from Mark and Harbour by Trin in the first class carriage.

What is your procedure when a normal person sits beside you in first class? AJ, if they've had a lottery win or just gone into first class by mistake. Do you air phone crime stoppers? Right. Play a dead until they've gone away again or see spray vinegar into their eyes. Um, I, if I would, I, my instinct would be to go down the crime stoppers. Um, and then kick that legal and above board. Yeah, I wouldn't like my first plastered it all over Twitter.

As if it would be. You know, as the man who attacks someone, a vinegar sprayer. A vinegar sprayer. Yeah, vinegar is a terrible weapon. It is. So, I've got this song I'm just desperate to do, and because it's being sent to me by, sent on a tape, so if I just play the tape to be honest, I can just find it. It's Barry Ommona.

Okay. Okay. Yup, yup, yup. So, my name's Barry Homoana. Barry C. Homoana, actually. What's the C for you say? Sailing ships in R.E.P. But that's only jokes. Only the Laffles. It's calling. Barry Colin Homoana. Just to bring you up to speeder Rooney and 35 recently single. Going incredible sense of humor. There is literally off the scale. Big

scales. Like those they used to wait trucks. Yep, yep, average height 5, 5, or there a bowley, popular at school and at work, popular on Facebook, and frequent flyer in all the buzzing chat rooms. Yeah, I'm Barry, C, homeowner, I got a beautiful house, in a cold to sack, it's got a garden at the front, I'm decking round the back, it's got a garden at the front I'm decking round the back It's got a square front lawn And a cherry tree And a house on the reeds

Serendipity Because once you're inside It will blow your mind It will change how you thought About art and design Yes once you're inside You won't want to leave You won't want to leave It will change how you thought about art and design

Yes, once you're inside, you won't want to leave You'll want to question me about all I've achieved I've got a walk through lounge into kitchen diner It's in units and the kitchen Island got a fall mounted eye level coffee machine And an inbuilt oven that's completely self clean I got an L-shaped deep red leather setty And a curved screen 4K HDTV Who isle control for the boiler and blinds

Yes, once you're inside, it's going to blow your mind Yeah, the wife did a leave a rune about five months ago No kids to complicate things, turned out I had very thin sperm She's got a new fellon out, Sometimes see them out and about in the shopping center He's taller than me had a major man following once seems he owns a tap as bar stroke out gallery near the old corn exchange Truth is we were in Compatata. She wanted to spend money on holidays I wanted to spend it on upgrades on the sound system. I love broadband. She loves broad church She like paying for thrills. I like paying the bills online and on time

Do you get the picture room? So I've named my new smoothie a leave Arunee I got double glazing The savings amazing, got another street room For the kids I'm not raising I kept a key to a car And one of the bras I got every password that she ever used She did a lever-runi, she walked out on me when I was out with me, man

In Italy I gave her every move and every line To keep her in my life until we expire So step into this empty house of mine It will change how you thought about art and design And once you're inside you won't want to leave Unlike that bitch with a new bloke Steve I got a queen-sized bed That feels like a tomb

I've been collecting her hairs From the dressing room Her new bloke Steve is a spit of DJ Spoonie. I guess that's why she did a leave a room. So that was Barry, that one along someone. I don't think I've ever heard someone say Barry Hall. So but it's not, I mean, not a think of the wife. She's got out. She has, and she's cupped up with someone

who looks like DJ Spoonies. Yeah, it's not bad, is it? Can we have a quick game of, yes or no, behind the door? Yeah, of course. See the door there in the studio. Not that door. Not that one, imagine, I know it's logistically impossible

because there isn't space for fitting another door unless it was a really thin door, like a half a door. Imagine you could call the new dissection behind the thin door. Behind the thin door. Yes or no, behind the thin door, right? I want you to imagine things I'm going to see behind that thin door. First one, Jimmy Neill, Nick had doing Tai Chi,

but with a finger putt with hanging off his Douglas Would you go through and look at that? No, fair enough Second one, Aka Bilk shit fist and he's hard to come off. Yes, thank you Every time Colonel Gaddafi is grilling some identified, sorry. Colonel Gaddafi is grilling some unidentified animal knackers and he's just about additional. No, I'll spend my time through the fender without going out. What's this smell really nice? No, I don't want to, I don't want to see.

No, it's being cooked. I've got a weekend coming up, but weekend of what you might call football, Andy, I'm going up to Middlesbury tomorrow at C's play Preston, and I'm going to C's players play Burnley at Wembley on Sunday. Are you going to be one of those spurs, two wrist fans? It goes because it's Wembley. No, if you were a borough fan, you'd know why I'm going We've got a particular relationship with Bernley. You do yeah and I'm here to it and I just fancy going to see what happens You know it could be it could be a pleasure for me. All right, okay

I'm going long way actually yeah, obviously Bobby Moore you never know real bumming there when you're there as well I might bump into someone. I'm going long way. Obviously. Bobby Mua. You never know real bumming there when you're there as well. I might bump into someone. I might do. But that's one of you don't want to talk about football, would you like to? No, no, I just want to get this over with because I want to go home so I'm going to hold it more. Oh, well, you're going to your Spanish retreat. Spanish retreat, yeah. So tell me, this Andy, I was wondering about that. You go solo, don't you? Yeah. On the beach at salo, me this Andy I was wondering about that you go solo don't you yeah on the beach at salo there's a certain amount of like continental nudity okay I've never been to the beach well then I alert you because I know you've got younger kids right in the friend of sand you were kidding me oh I am got pathological fear of sand so where's that come from I got

kicked in the face no that's you and what, Andy. Oh, you've got the fear of time. Yeah, yeah. So we were attacked with pepper, a very small grain coast coast of someone with a gongalad sand. Did you up kick the shit out of me? Is that a sundaer and say burn? Yeah. Sea burn sand like faustically. It was because I was doing nude beard.

Please tell me, Andy. So your kids can't go on the beach at solo. Well, they can, bro. I've got to sit on the pavement and watch. You can't leave your kids on that. That's a massive, massive beach. Is it a mother's beach attack? I'm not going to the beach then. So what do you do? Do you make them just stay in the room?

Yeah. Fuck it now. Well, watch the tally, watch Disney cartoons. Yeah, we go, watch where, we go, watch a Spanish television. Change it. Oh, no, you're only the buffet, aren't you? They're all inclusive. You're all inclusive. That's all you're there for. Ships with changing. Oh no, you're only the buffet, aren't you? They're all inclusive. You're all enclosed, that's all you're there for.

Ships with everything. Yeah, and you sit there, top and out and bore in your kids, and now if you bought that at home, right? Yeah. Down at the chimney, that would have been 6'9", so we've paid, and the glass of wine, so we've paid 30 quid, right?

And we're here for 10 nights, so that's 300 quid, so basically this holiday is free. Yeah, exactly it. But yeah. But that all we do is sit and watch cartoons in Spanish. Yeah. Never fucking man that kid. Never fucking man that. Think of the servants when they're changing scenery and air conditioning in the room. Air conditioning is free. The air conditioning is free. Yeah. Step inside. Hello Mr. Cheaps. Tell me what just do your catchphrase once more before I do the

Before I do the Scotch tell Milk's off. Nope. No, no today's catchphrase. Oh, it is. Yeah, I could have next hit. I Couldn't make that what I didn't More than I think I couldn't it It's not bad. It's a nice way to every time you go in a shop, you could say that to this put the cashier, couldn't you because you couldn't eat it? It's going to be right after the day, everyone would do an egg. I couldn't eat it! I couldn't eat it!

BORANENENK! What I didn't. Once every five years, a lottery was held on the island. The prize a days visit to the mainland with 20 pounds spending money. This year's winner was a young lad called John Crags. Five years earlier, the winner was a lassie called Nelly Cochran. Five years earlier, the winner was a lassie called Nelly Cochran. She had never returned from her mainland tip, and many speculated she may have managed to make her skip and start a new life on the mainland. This is what John Craig's wished for himself.

The derived and John was deposited on the mainland shore by Malak, the lead security detail. You have three hours, laddie. visited on the main lawn shore by Malak, the Lerts security detail. You have three hours, laddie. Be sure to be prompt, or we shall miss the tides and risk the lerts anger. John ran into town, dizzy and breathless at the sights before him. He was transfixed by the bold and aspirational frontage of sports direct and made it his first port of call. Immediately he saw a basket of white toweling socks, full to the brim and dazzling in their appeal. 19 pairs for 199. He could near resist and plucked out a particularly plump looking bundle. Barely had he moved another 2 metres when he caught as breath at a replica, all the

muffler ticket from the 2015 season, £7.99 extra, extra large only, but convinced he would grow into it, he grabbed it greedily. Fearing he would spend up at his first port of call, He continued this frenzy, sorry, fearing he would be spent up. If he continued this frenzy, he made his way, I strictly to the floor to the check-out. Nine pounds, 98, said the cashier. Would you like one of our fidget spinners, reduced to five pounds from 60 pounds and quite the rage at the present. What do they do, Asjon? They rotate whilst balanced on your thumb. I and then what?

Nothing's any, they just rotate until they stop rotating, at which point you can flick them again to enjoy a further spell of rotation. Well, and you say these are quite the thing. I'll take one. I've often dreamed of rotation partially under my control. Leaving spots direct, he had just five pounds and tuppance left. He sniffed the air and his nose guided him to Costa Cuffee. I'll stop there and he's there. What'd you think my opponent cost a coffee? There'll be a lassie there.

Yeah, she have tips to that. There will be a lassie there. She have touched the f... Well, just a bunch of honch. You know what the truth is, how dare I. But here goes. He purchased a medium skinny hot chocolate and seated himself by the window. He took his finger fidget out and began to play. Shortly he was joined by a young lassie

and a red cagul and tartan trousers. I see you have a finger fidget, laddie. May I gaze upon it, like I might gaze upon a drama in a successful pub band. I, it's quite the thing, you know. May I have a wee spin ask the lassie. I, of course, I want you to be happy. The lassie stood up and removed her cagul.

Underneath she wore a 2015 oldum replica kit in extra small. It was more than instantly a palant that she had a frightening amount of tap to spare. John couldn't help himself. Will you look at the tits on you, lassie? There's an excess bordering on a sulphate. You would need to employ a surveyor to get the full leisure of them and all them. Oh you wish to all them dear laddie, it will cost you and it's heavy work, are you sure? I have little money, but you can keep my finger fidget if I was allowed to bear their weight for a moment.

What's your name by the way? Nelly, Nelly Cochran. Do you remember that name, Andy? She was the lassie who disappeared the last when she won the annual draw and people thought that she'd escape to the mainland. In a previous episode? No, in the start of this episode. Jesus. Hurry on. What's your name, by the way? Nelly. Nelly Cochran.

Hello. Hello, Nelly. Back to Malak. Long time no see. You're coming with me. But Malak, I was about to swim in her tarts. I'll be swimming soon enough lad, with the fishes. Come now and I'll take those socks, that's a lovely plump bundle you selected.

Good lad!" As they approach the island, Malik stop the boat and let out a whaling call that can only be described as infuriating and lengthy. Shortly there was a commotion in the water and from beneath its surface Henrik, the lared sea pig, bearing its ladnet for sinking of escapees, appeared. But it was not their fate to be drowned this day, for they both died instantly on seeing Henrik's face. For he had the face of Joey Barton, the face of Joey Barton, the face of Joey Barton.

Okay and it's been super. I'm going to clap as both. One last bark of your catchphrase please. I coulda nicked it! What I didn't. Oh yeah! Thank you.