Athletico Mince - Ep. 96 - Christmas Mince Part 1

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

Christmas with the Beardsleys, a message from Barry, some relaxing sound therapy, Bob’s yuletide Sunderland song and more... Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All right, Andy. Hello Bob, Merry Christmas to you as well. And to all of our Athertical Mince listeners same now listen I thought I'd start with a lovely Sunderland Christmas song Lay out loud to get us all in the mood go on then Mac I'm still remember like it was yesterday The smell of turkey, dippers cooking sat on the donkey's watching home in a way All they gotta do is shut their eyes Cover their ears as the baby cries Fat drunks on every street corner I'll station on the lap to keep them warmer Blue drink flowing from their yoghurt parts

The bungalow filled with the smell of deep-our-frying And a hint of dry rot Ah, it's a mac and Christmas. No presents under the tree. Just some dog dirt and Chris Camarra's new LP. It's their favorite time. Drinking logger in line. They can piss in the snow when I've a Mr Mr. Kippling down at the Christmas bingo

It's their favorite time The Maccom's favorite time of the year Have a fight on Christmas Eve Spend the night in A&D Go to church on Christmas Day A&Sundelen shirt you board off the Ebay Hanks docking from Sports Direct Smash your Xbox because it won't eject

Hide the presents in the doggies' pram Then pick all the tard of the action man They can watch the darts all day long They can microwave a turkey leg And wrap tinsel around the outstations head Gaws! It's a mac and Christmas No presents under the tree

Just some dog dirt And Chris Camarice you help me it's their favorite time makes their pets perspire they can piss in the snow and have a mystic

fling down at the Christmas bingo it's their favorite time their favorite time of the year. It's when the mac and shine. Sunderland at Christmas time, it's the favorite time, the favorite time of the year. Yeah, that was so you put a lot of effort into that haven't you? I do it. How many hours do you need to write those lyrics for? It took me 34 minutes. I always like to do a festive name search. I haven't been doing it recently, so I've got some festive names you could select. Puzzle McForce.

Puzzle McForce. Mm, no, hitting you like a ripe apple. I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll hold back. So, waddle stockings. That feels good. It feels good, it feels, it feels, it feels, it feels, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's Brandy Butter Hobbson. Oh I like that as well. Yeah. Oh toss up between those two. Are those be choices? Are those be choices? Yeah are you coming? Be it on me? Heart. Oh be. What was the second one again? So Waddle stockings. Oh I'll be him.

Hiya so Waddle stockings. Thank you very much. Chunky Tongue. Oh I've had a Christmas message from Peter. Oh yeah. I've heard a Christmas message from Peter. Oh, yeah. Oh, right, Mum. Well, Christmas is a bonus, and despite all the festive cheer, I do find myself a bit down in the dumps. I do find myself a bit down in the dumps. In my spare room at the moment, well I've hidden my wife's present under the bed.

I don't think she'll like it, you know, but you never know. We haven't got anyone coming around for Christmas Day, now the wife's sister Karen used to come but not now after what happened last year like you know might as well tell you about it I've got nothing better to do I've cleaned my shoes I've cleaned my shoes. I put some fat balls out for the Christmas birds, chup chup chup. I've polished my bedroom mirror and I've read the Christmas card from Son again. Didn't actually mention me like. Anyway so last Christmas we had Karen and her husband Mike Cowan's now for Christmas drinks. Now who I like as always, fans of Mike Cawin's

is an armed security adviser so when they're big insurance companies, you know. Before they arrived, they were in the kitchen making a jug of eggnog when they were I thought to She were wearing a tight black and white dress with one of them like tip windows in the front, you know But like puts the front is right in your face It is often Mike Cowan's benefit, you know, I'm not deaf What you doing clowning around in my fucking kitchen you creepy dial I'm just not, you know, the nog love Karen and my cowons.

Well, make sure there's plenty of ruby to it. I won't make a big chipsy and Karen's three sheets and a fort on wind. Yeah, I will do love. Can I just say I'll pretty you look in that dress. Kate, you're dear, he lies off me. If you were a clumber on me whilst Mike is here, I'll love you so hard you'll wake up on the avenue of the masses express with a muck tree up your shit pipe. Yes, I understand. Was you likely to float some boiled eggs in the nog jug? a sy'n pwyb. A, yn yw'r cyflwy. A'r cyflwy yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwybwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn fwyb yn Put on me Santa Clausly, just as I'm coming downstairs the doorbell rings it's my current cowman's

Answer the fuck and die on piercedy fucking face Oh Welcome at the Christmas Karen and Mike Are you Karen and all my cowons. There is little Pete at the bell boy. What do you look like? I'll tell you what. You look like a chump.

A Christmas imbecile, a ruam-boni, chug and Pete. You look terrific. Thank you, my cowons. How do I'm going to jog and pee there? You look terrific. Thank you, Mike Cohen. Eggnog will be served in a wife's TV room. If you would like to make your way through into that room, that would ensure you are in the correct room for the eggnog ceremony. So Mike Cohen's and,

Cohen's going to the room there. And there's, it's the wife and she's on the rug all in a big sprig of mistletoe. Hello, mate. How lovely to see you and happy working Christmas to you. Now come on and give a gale of Christmas treats. You did enough to us sweet ad. I'm coming in sharp like a pistol, a loving piss. So Mike Cowan's steps under the mistletoe and starts like eating her, eating her wet, her wife's face. Karen looks at me, you know, where the resigned look

like there's, you know. Oh wow, and mate I had fork and wallop. Your husband is some kisser cannon. What a lucky fork and lass you are. Right mate sit down here and a sofa with me while Deathladh hands out some fork and presents. And this is for your cannon. It's your look it's a butler,

crabby, seafood, body-mousers. It's a butler of crabby, seafood, body-mousers. You must judge them. Thank you very much, Peter. That's very kind. Kind, kind of fucking creepy, if you ask me. And this is for you, Mike Cowns. You're not it, operator. I've got him a like, I've got that, you know cowons. He opens it up and it's a...

I got him a like a crevac, you know, with quirky shapes on it. Right, the fuck is it? A full-on posh cluster? No, it's a crevac to tie around your neck, my cowons. I thought you might like the quirky shapes, you know. Some of them look a bit like a chicken rack. And that is certainly a wow with a bonus well.

Nordnick, my friends, you fucking half wit! I know what I can use it as a hangy and with that, with that, my cowons, there is no thing they could have had and sew it in the rubbish bin on top of the wipe's old leg bandages like. Err, you're so funny Mike. I get so little laughter in this house. You're like a fucking tonic bun. I, I, and the wife holds up the mister tour again. And Mike goes in for another munch.

Where's my present Santa no fucking bunner? You were better have not forgotten. You know, he's fogging yokes this at presents. Last year he bought me a fog and puff and puff and fog and wascote. Like he thinks I'm going out shooting, fog and grouse or so but... Your present is upstairs, love that. I was gonna give it to you tomorrow. Well, go and fog and get it now. Let's have a good fork and

love. Go on you f**k and clown and creepy batter. So I went upstairs to the spare room to fetch the presents from under the bed and when I stood up Karen was behind me in the room, all in a bigger mistletoe above her head. So I got to be honest, but I went for it. I'm going to go to a lovely leaf like squeegee kiss like in your best kiss I've had in years, you know, mainly because of the wife's dentless she was like, so I went back downstairs and the wife is pouring nog down, make her an sword. That's it, mate. Get that eggie nectar down your neck. I must say, you're a fairly shawken handsome man.

And as I enter the room, she looks at me, and I'm immediately numbing deep shit. What is that lipstick doing on your face? You little midnight spoke. You've been forcing yourself on my account and you dirty, for good luck. How fucking dare you. But no, we're just a little Christmas,

missle-toe, kiss, you know, like you were having with my cowons. Peter's right, it was me who asked for it. You should get off his back. Get off his back. I'll fucking carve pervert on his back with me leg scraper. And how fucking dare you lead on the cymbal. Go out the mouth, fucking house.

And don't show your face, Romney, again. So Karen and Mike Cowan's left, which leaves me alone with a wife and your shoes got a carbon mate. Look, er... No, er... I'm sorry love, but I promise it was Karen and if all of them you have said that, didn't instigate nothing you know, I only advise for you. Fuck off, whimpering like a baby puppet.

Had me over my fucking present. No, I give a present. It's a 12-part egg portrait. I'll choose by Raymond Brock. Sit down. Next to me, Peter. You're off. I'm mind-trouble.

You're off, dude. You're not really fucking shit down. So I don't like it. I fucking love it. You're a good lad pay that. And you give us a kiss. So you had a nice kiss like you know. Do our kisses good as my cowons love. Where fucking better?

He's got a mouth like a trumpet player's fucking in his... Merry Christmas, love. Merry Christmas Peter. So like I said, we'll just be the two of us these Christmas. And you know what, to be honest, that's how I like it so there you go. Oh I've got a few festive jokes but for you know from your joke book. Oh God. This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over to Christmas. I think it's time that we should let them in. I know your body is broken, man.

In fact, they're so bad I won't ruin your Christmas wisdom. So, say your Bub. One, paint it briefly, and only one, paint it briefly. Say your Bub. Oh! Oh little town of sandal and how busy your little liars with lots of pale skin blocks with tits in your car park having a piss oh there we are that was lovely thank you very much do you want to have a quiz I've got a quiz for you but I'll have one I've got a Christmas quiz for you. Well this is one

called Santa or not Santa. Go on then and it's about Santa and what he's called around the world. Go on then so I'll give you the names you've got to see a Santa. Have you think it's Santa? Not Santa, if you think it's not Santa. If it's correct I'll give you a Marlene. If it's incorrect I'll give

you a free sweetie of you. I understood. No Baba. Sweeties of you go. I understood no Baba True no, just a Santa or a lot Santa Marlene chimney Tarzan no Marlene First man Santa Marlene yes Pleasant man sat there Kirstman Santa Molleys!

Pleasant man Santa dear Correct Santa Free Sweetie! Nearly a 10 more hours One more dead morris Not Santa Free Sweetie Oh, that's the Column in Russia. That's dead morose.

I started. I started sweet then I. Ended real bad. I had to decline study. He also have Chico Tico which wasn't Santa and Babu Natali which was. My Christmas list. I always like Lecua chocolates. I ask everyone to get me Lecua chocolates.

You should have asked before I would have brought you some in. I would have liked that. I would have brought you a T-shirt. Maybe next year. I will have liked that. Too late. I would have brought you a tea, shall we? Maybe next year. I'll be there. Yeah, thanks. Oh, I could give you after that.

After couldn't I be here. I would quite like a picture of aging childs in, or adjacent to a water butt. Right. I was like, you know, if he's in the water butt, is he naked? Oh, I don't mind, he's in here. Topless. I don't mind, Andy.'s in here. Topless. I don't mind, Andy.

Look, I'd send me requirements. Ageing child's in or adjacent to a water, but I wouldn't, I can't like. I don't think you can get him, but a jammy dodger, but it's the size of like a bin lid. Oh, yeah. You can get reasonably sized ones, I reckon. I reckon some bin lid.

I'd like a bin lid. There was about a five incher. Or what, like that. All right, I'll get you one of the next. What you said before what you have to know that sports, bruh, just vouchers, thanks for the kids vouchers. Well, vouchers, yeah, I've got a voucher for that. You know, voucher for the shops.

You have any in-laws, I have any in-laws around for a fight. No, I'm not having any laws around for a fight. No, I'm not actually know. You know what I'm doing this year. No, tell'm not having any loads around for a fight. No, I'm not actually no, you know what I'm doing this year Right now every other year I have the kids because I'm a divorced man So I have the kids every other year this year that surprises me that you Very good. I haven't got the kids this year for Christmas dinner with them. I'm right so I'll go to my mom and dad So Christmas dinner and then I'll go back to me me dwelling Yeah, and I'll sit on to me me dwelling if you like and I'll

sit on me on for the rest of the day. Imagine if you had that big jammy dodger. Oh can you imagine it and it's the only day I get to be on me on completely and it happens every two weeks. You're looking forward to it. Kind of a little bit. So tell me at your parents house is it just wall to wall UK gold TV? It might be. The only frozen asses. This isses brown boys repeats I watch Mrs. Brown boys a little bit the other night and Did you enjoy it? There's some jocks in it. Yeah, and you laughed at those jocks. Oh funny, but some of them were all right It's not something I've ever really seen it. You know, I met Emmy in Nice Baller. Good. Very nice Baller. Now I'm gonna give you an extra quiz because quizzes feel a bit Christmassy. Yeah, they don't go it's is feel a bit Christmasy you know. Yeah they don't go. It's um going. See that I've been taking lessons in cartoon acting. Yeah so it's going. Yeah me just a little more time.

Andrew, I know you're falling out with Asda, falling out with lovely author. So I've gone to St. Spreese, yeah. I'm familiar with their work, yeah. Took three items from their Christmas list, yeah. Christmas essentials it was called or something, yeah. Eight Eight and you have to put them in price order. Cheap, it's the most expensive. A vice versa. Eight, double A batteries.

Are they Sin's Breeze on Brando, Jerusalem? They would, they're Jerusalem. Eight, double A's. Sainsbury's own Irish cream liqueur. A six pack of Sainsbury's luxury Christmas crackers. Is that just this right? Good luck. I wouldn't do for on Yandee in the spirit of Christmas. I think the liqueur is the most expensive.

Okay. And when you crackers was was it six? Six. There's a cracker worth more than a buttery. It's costing in there. It's a cracker. This is where I find myself, this is where I find myself at the age of 47 approaching Christmas.

There's a cracker worth more than a buttery. I'm gonna say that the buttery batteries cost more than the crackers. So cream, batteries crackers. You've Christmas nailed it. Yes! Come on! Beautiful. We have another memory man for a while, so I thought we could just do a quick memory

man. Oh God. We have another memory month for a while so I thought we could just do a quick memory month. Oh god no. Christmas special. Memory month. Do you remember what was on BBC 1 at 11 o' 5 a.m. Yes. Man-wreem-man. Wow. Yeah, there it is. Still got it. Still got it. You got it. It was of course. The spinners at Christmas. The spinners at Christmas. The spinners at Christmas. Do you remember the spinners?

Not the Detroit spinners. I feel like I do. They were like four little groups. Yeah, like yellow, polo, necks and that. Yeah. And it was reading not one of them on Wikipedia because I got curious. I thought I'd looked at that. And they retired in 1988.

And then we're all like about 55. Oh, wow. They just all went, fuck this. Yeah. We've done enough spinning. So you think we're like, no more. No hint of them getting back together. I think one or two of them performed now and again.

One of them's dead now. But you know, they just, they got the 55 and went, fuck it. Is there a hint of bitterness anyway you could pick up on from me? No, we're between them. Just the usual. I don't think so, no. I think they just went, that's enough spinning.

We're still great friends, but we decided to pack it in a spinners project. Yes. So there we are. Hey, Barry's been such a christmas. Yeah, as you've got a Wavvdp3 M4 here. Let's find out. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yeah! Barry's C-Homeowner here.

It's that time of year when I go X, X, X, L on the performance and life achievement scales. You want to join me on a moonwalk across the pleasure scape, then here's some simple festive guidelines to make you more like me. And I know that's what you want. December the 7th, ping off Christmas greetings to your contact list. Keep it simple, be more like Barry, be less like like you love the homeowner December the 10th go on a deep dive online shop for your gift of runes cut bless winkling

tool add to basket Sherlock Astray with a discratch base add to basket Katrach add to basket wifi boosting window film add to basket I won't let you down. I'll just take you up, up, up, up. I'll be doing the business sky, and you'll feel feel like you make you love. Make it love in Turkish footwear. In Turkish footwear. Get the Pitcheruni. You send me the four-leaf pop of anana wrapped in tinsel. In Tukas footwear In Tukas footwear

At Tabasca, get the Picharuni December the 14th, Papa Banana wrapped in tinsel into your favorite ladies' handbag Grab a tray of Campitude shoes from your local wild bean and take them in for the lads at the Audi dealership You never know when you might need an invite to a model launch 18th, hair cut, as for Imran Khan with a Mark in Highlight. That's the very best of Pakistan, UK hair statement. I won't let you down. I'll just take you up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, Like you make in love Make in love to a caromack mountain Love to a caromack mountain

With the Cathedral de San Guane on mainland Spain Enjoy a camper-proof room in the Cathedral Square And Papa Gürkin in the waitresses apron That's Jesus' done 24th, crack open the Champagne And fill up some glasses on your kitchen island Just in case some dude or do the loo pops around December 25th, Octa Mums in the TT, a nice relaxer, proofful on the sofa watching UK Gold on the TV at round

I'll tell you one thing, I won't let you down I'll just take you up, up, up, up. Up into the Christmas sky, You feel, feel like you're making love. Making love to Christian Dior's bopper. Yeah! Barry C. Merry Christmas! Wow!

He's up for Christmas, isn't he? Right up for it, Jesus! Christian D'Aus Butler! What's your Christmas movies, Andrew? Would you have such a thing, like, that you'll watch where you fat whip family? No, not really. No, really. No, it's far out there, get me kids sitting down in the room together and watching something.

I do toy story, I did last year, all three of them, elf, I do do elf. Mickey's twice upon a Christmas, we watched that now and again. Is that good? That's it, alright yeah. National lampones quite good in it, Christmas fair case. Christmas fair case, that's a good, yeah. I mean the best film you could watch is Christmas, I mention it a lot on it, but well two films, but the best one is Barbara, 2012 East German.

Well, lovely story. And you know what, I think it's really good at Christmas. What's that? Hannibal. Hannibal, you know the... As in the lecture one. Yeah. Is that Christmasy?

I don't know, I think it's the last little thing to watch as it gets dark late. Right, I don't know. That's weird. Do you think it is? I think it's a bit weird. Yeah. That's weird. What do you think it is? I think it's a bit weird. Yeah.

I was thinking more like you know playing strings and autumn a bit. Something like that. Uncle's book. I fucking on my book. That's a good watch. I tell you that much. I've got VHS in the cupboard. I'll dig it out.

Sit down. Sit not. Sit down. What can I watch on my book? It's a new tradition staff now, right? That's so Christmas can escalate out of control really isn't it? Yeah, I've been watching this stuff, I've been watching ASMR videos on YouTube. ASMR. Now what it is, it's relaxation stuff, right?

And ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. And what is its videos of people like rustling papers or stroke and fabrics and whispering at the same time and you play these at night or when you're neatly relaxed in it it brings you down sounds awful and it's the oddest thing but you've got these people and the hundreds of thousands of people watch these things ASMR and they'll be like scripting their fingers just alone and it's meant they give you a kind of a relaxed kind of feeling and vibe and I've done me one. Well go on then. Yes when I was in the travel lodge last night um so this might help some people relax. You've waved it up they did. You've waved it up, they did. Waved it right up, yeah. See what you think. These are some of the sounds of the travel lodge. Oh, they're going to help you to relax.

I've got a bucket that can be peeing on. Yeah, there's a orbit. I'm going to rummage around in the park. Cheesy. Do you expect him to listen to this? This is a relaxing, you're not feeling relaxed. Oh, I'm dandy man. No, no, no, no. Next, I'm going to open the mouth of this slight fresh milk. I'm touching open the slite fresh milk.

I'm touching it now. It could be getting amused for this. And now I'm gonna open it. There, it's open now. The milk is open. Fuck is enjoying the travel lodge sensory experience? I'm telling you, it's massive. Get on YouTube and I've looked, there's lots of people doing this and everyone's getting really relaxed off it all. But just hearing that, then I wanted to start pulling my skin off. It's not for everyone. Yeah, well, yeah, well you can put me in the not everyone list.

That is the end of the first part of the Athletic Orments Christmas episode. Part 2 will be a long soon. you