Athletico Mince - Ep.1 - The Power Of Gentleness

Episode Date: March 8, 2016

Gentle managers, unofficial tractors, cheap lobster and black dogs are covered in the first episode of this football podcast with Bob Mortimer and Andy Dawson. Bob and Andy suggest you probably start on episode 8, once they'd got the hang of this podcast thing. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is the first ever episode of Athletic Orments. Me and Bob reckoned that the podcast doesn't really hit stride till about episode 8. So if you start in here at the first one, we'd recommend it, maybe give it a miss and go over episode 8 and go forwards from that. Please come back to this one at some point though, because you know, it's not that bad. Music Sorry Bob. Alright and they got to ask you what was that music you've chosen for the introduction there? Well it's kind of to send a message to our far east listeners from the get-goor. I just want to say that we come in peace.

Oh, right. We mean no harm. You can't retract the yen in that, are you? Well, why not? That's where the money is these days, isn't it? We do not do really. Yeah, no big money is in football. You want this to be a big hit over there, dear. I want a global reach. Yeah.

You want to become a very unhair. Well, if I this to be a big hit over there, dear. I want a global reach. Yeah. You want to become a very an air. Well, if I can, by. Yeah. Well, that's a good idea. So I think it's good to see it. Well, it was very calming and very eastern friendly. So that's gone as off to a good start, thanks. It has. And welcome to Athlete Go Mins.

It's the football podcast that no one really wanted. Yeah, and what I wanted to be called I thought it would pass, and it's called carry on. Well, it's not. It's Athlet football podcast that no one really wanted. Yeah, and what I wanted to be called, I thought it'd go past Nip's book, Carry On. Well, it's not. It's a flutter, go mince. Oh, I know, it's not. Well, it's here now. That's what it's called. So it's got to deal with it. Yeah. So it just gives people the idea it's going to be a savoury show. And I don't think it is. I think Unservery's going to be the watchword.

Carry On Andy, introduce the show. Anywhere, coming up, we're going to discuss the burning issues from this week's football. Predominantly, the shift towards gentleness that's dominating the Premier League title cheers. All right. And we're going to also consider Alan Sheerer's wife's bra. OK.

We're going to look at Manchester United's new tractor. All right, a new truck. Last. I hear the man United fans show. Yep. There's German division to brothel offer. Right. You'll cover that hopefully. And there's also the Brazilian player who wets himself before every match. Yeah. And using the input of our Twitter followers to construct the ultimate gruesome footballer. Right. You'll that Bob. Yeah. Is the athletic or mince we have doing things? Okay, well, first of all, I was open, you were going to allow me to ask the burning question,

have you ever met a footballer? Because I wanted people to know that my authority to speak on the subject matter football comes from the fact that I have met a footballer. How many of you met? I for sure have met a five footballer. Really? Yeah. At the same time.

No, at different times. Fowler, Robbie Fowler. Yeah. He was awful. An awful man. Yeah, terribly nasty to Matt Lucas George. George George. Was he a brute?

What he said was brutal. I couldn't possibly repeat it, but luckily he was with Steve Mackeneman. Yeah, that's him. Steve Mackeneman? was with Steve Mackeneman. Yeah, I think. Steve Mackeneman? Yeah, Steve Mackeneman, the one who went to Germany. Did he go to Germany, Steve Mackeneman? Yeah. Anyway, he was very nice and intervened.

Did he sort of diffuse the situation? Yeah, he did exactly as a peacemaker, yeah. Good. But one night, I think my best meet was Chris Kamara, he an experimental player now just the sky sports and the the thing on ITV with the ninjas Oh, yeah, which of course, you know, that's a nice and friendly to the far east with what show is that the ninjas the ninjas Yeah, they'll let that over there ninja challenge ninja challenge and Yeah, so I met him but it was in a very unusual circumstances I promise I'll keep it break as I know you've got your menu to get through,

but I was in a hotel bar in Manchester and, um, Horacan Higgins, the snooker player wanted to have a fight with me. No, deceased, no, deceased, um, next to me was not a holder from Sled, who intervened in, it was intervening in the scrap in a similar way at the macho, my mum and, yes, so reconciliation piece called was the peacemaker. and it was intervening in the scrap. In a similar way, Mark Le Manson, yes, so reconciliation piece. Hold was the peacemaker. Yeah, he was the peacemaker.

As this was happening, Mark Le Manson fell through the ceiling of the bar. Obviously, yeah. And at that same time, Chris Camara, who'd been out drinking with us earlier, came through the bar doors and said, what do you want me to say? And yeah, well, anyway, so I've got that system. We can return to your menu. Sure. Yeah. Maybe that's two of the five footballers you've met covered in one anecdote.

Yeah. Maybe we'll move on to another one next week. If you run out of time today, Andy, I've got quite a charming little story about the Brazilian footballer, Emerson. Oh, yeah. And the night that I had a salsa dancing, but there is wet perm he had. Did he have that at the time? Not wet to the touch, though, and was it not was it solid? Solid is a rock.

It was a pencil off it. It was the same glisten that you get from Corian, you know, your work surface. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Anyway, who's the gentlest manager in the Premier League Bob? Well, now I wonder. Well, if it's not me, I'm going to say, Ranierai.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm very good with the herbs. But there's, there's him. Any other thing off? I mean, we're guessing to an extent, Poshitini. Yeah. Poshitini. Poshitini. All of them think about it, right? Both of them. Very gentle, very tender men. Yeah. Very softly spoken. And look at where they are on the league table. Oh, I thought you

I wondered where you're going. I thought you were going to. This is my theory. No, no, this is my theory. All right. Witness in a sea change. football management and that we've got two of the gentlest managers possibly ever ahead of the pack. No that actually do you know what Andy that is actually quite interesting because it could be the case that these footballers no longer willing to respond to the hard knock manager maybe there's been a sock full of sock full of pull balls. All that business, the hairdressers, hairdryers. And all that business. I'm not drunk, Andy. You're looking at me.

I'm drunk, it's a bit of the afternoon. Which is why I'm the company that you drunk. Well, you know what? You've picked me interest there, Andy. There might be something in that. Do you reckon? Well, I thought I'd come with something. You thought I'd come with some kind of agenda. Nigel Peterson, I can I'd come with something. You thought I'd come with some kind of agenda? Nigel Pearson. I can remember him as a player.

It was after the Cup Final that Middlesbrough played in, marching down to the toilets and threatening Ravan Ali, and throwing Ravan Ali out of the hotel, so he wasn't welcome at the post-Cup celebrations. What was that? A personal vendetta? No, that I mean, rather than early went off after about 13 minutes, pretending to be injured. Right. And I think everyone thought he was, you know, what would you call it on the, what would be a phrase when you're... When you're... When you're... Skiing?

Yeah, but being a bit of a twister, taking the piss. That's it, taking the piss, he won't. And so piss. That's it. Taking the piss. And so he's an arduous one. Yeah, and he likes to offer out members of the crowd. And he does. And he has led the famed additions for Raniere's success this season. Yeah.

And he's the complete opposite. Right. So what does that tell us? So they have responded to this gentle charming touch. Peace and got them so far with the Sockful of Pobol's. Yeah. And now Ranieri with his winning smile. Yeah. And it's friendly manners. Gentle words, yeah. He's like a fur coat for them in the wintertime and he's that they all creep out of come out of the pockets and the sleeves. Yeah. Go, go and play terrifically. Do you want them to win the championship? I think I do now. I've got objections. List your objections.

Objection number one is the markings on the pitch. There are a little bit to elaborate. And objection number two is that cardboard clappy thing that all the fans have got. Yeah. That should have had points docked for that to be honest. It was very, very genuine objections there, and I'd like them to win it, I think. But I'm putting on that side, I would like them to win it. Yeah. Getting back to Pearson, if you think about it, all of this lester thing has all been triggered

by a reassistorgie last summer. And where was that the one in Thailand? And there were Nigel Pearson's son, took part. And that is what has... It's all snowed from that. It's all snowed from that. It was the catalyst of the gentle... What did he do?

He made racist comments as he was filming something to do. I think he did, yeah. I think he performed an act of reassistant, of course. Yeah. I don't quite know that works. Well, I'm not going to go into it. Okay, for legal reasons. No, but who could have known? So that is incredible, isn't it? That was the start of this, this march to success. That is, no, that's quite a thought. But I mean, you have to be cautious because you're asking this, the Watford manager, yeah? Can you care for Flores?

Yeah. What do you think? Do you think he looks gentle, vicious, middle foot diddle, what do you reckon? I reckon he's gentle 95% of the time. But if he goes, he goes hard. Right, yeah. And he's achieved medium success.

So yeah. So he doesn't prove anything. And I don't know if he's gone yet. I don't know if the Watford players have seen him in full floor. Sort of like chucking daggers around the dressing room and stuff. I think he probably have a flim through as well. Okay, well, let's look at it from the other way, then. Who's not so exciting?

Your manager, son or son, just Sam Mall, Sam Maladice. Yeah, what you reckon. Well, that's that's not really his fault No, but he's a gentle or is he um, you know, he's a lot more gentle than you'd imagine Yeah, because Aladice isn't the statistics right and I think he's in the mood Yeah, I think he probably gives them herbal medications in a mood. Yeah. I think he probably gives them herbal medications. Well, he's a lot of positive. I thought he'd have been a right bastard. Now, you think so? I don't think he is. It's the statistics thing that he's in. Well, that doesn't help your argument. Then Andy does it because they're failing. Obviously, I'm very distressed by that.

I'm just saying, you got, you got my clarin down the bottom. Is he gentle? Is he a tender man? Is he kind man? If you ask me, if you sum it up, I reckon a sulker. Do you reckon? I reckon a sulker. Silent treatment. One of them. And when you think about it,

but players aren't going to respond to that ultimately, are they? Rather than address a problem, you'll just touch and believe the room. That's why I reckon, yeah. And then they all feel like they're walking on eggshells all the time. Yeah, not concentrating on the game which is clearly out. And if we've got right at the bottom. That's why they're in the mess they're in. We've got this lap van guard, fella of Villa. Remmy God. Now he looks gentlandy. He looks out of his depth. I don't think he knows what he's doing. So you're allowing him to be an exception to your gentle man. I think he's manager. I think he's bewildered. Right.

Well, you know, if you want to bring this one to an end, all we can say is bewildered managers feel, feel, gentle or kind, empathetic. Oh, nice word, yeah. Managers. So, say, that's the way it's going, I think. Yeah. It's interesting. I mean, maybe the natural progression of that is for there to be a female manager

You know, you know what I mean. Well It's in a national women's day at the day. So that's a good How far away are we from an international manager? Being a woman being a woman in it national woman. Yeah Who do you think will be in the running for that? To be the first professional kind of female football manager, Claire Bolding. Right. She's not really an astronaut, she's called domestic.

Oh, well, you shouldn't know what I've done is, as I've completely rejected your idea of the international prefix. I'm just going for a first. First of all, when you can think for a moment, and I think Claire Bolding Right about you Fernbren Fernbren she's the one from really a one and she nor Fern cotton Fern cotton no not her Fernbren any of the phones. Yeah

Alright, for enough. Well, hedging me bets with the fern It was full the cream are you to a tear isn't it all right. Yeah, it could work And then that case, it could work. It was Brindamwife, Jewel. Yeah. That's a bit sexist, isn't it? You're just sort of presuming that she'd need a fella alongside to hold a hand.

I'm not going to say. On Manageria Ladder. I've just seen his physique and I think that he'll be having him on tap for advice about the physical fitness in the take. In nutrition. In nutrition, there is a great idea.

So we're not going to fill victory in Fernbrient. Fern cotton? Fern cotton. Fernbrient. Fernbrient. As well to make it feel like a family club, you know, I mean mom, dad and daughter. Should we be like the rebellious daughter, couldn't she?

Yeah, and they go and have a dog as well, a great big daft puddle. Sounds like a sick con, isn't it? Yeah, they could color the puddle the same as the home kit. That kind of thing. Nice. I think we've covered that, have we, have we covered all that now? Well, yeah, I think we've covered it in stripes. Just that was me theory. Just to come in with a theory, didn't you? I mean, it's a little bit weak because like, for example, it may be the case that Chris Evans say, or

James Corden, and that, it may, but I don't't know it may be the case that they're not as nice as they appear on the screen like you know like the boys next door could be that they're absolutely horrendous nasty people. But the couple across us such such nice types. Yeah and I'm saying Raniari might be pulling that trick on us. Right. So I think your science is right, I don't think we know. So you think Raniere, you could actually be capable of things that we probably shouldn't discuss any further. Exactly. For many reasons.

So you're going to work on that one. Okay, I'll come back to you on that one next week. See how that works for you. Have you ever met a footballer? Yeah. Told you earlier, Chris Camara. Oh, you did, yeah, sorry, brother. No, I've met more. If you want, have you ever met a football? I'm Chris Camara. Oh you did, yeah sorry bother. No I'll have met more.

If you want, have you ever met a football? I nearly met one once. Alright, that sounds like a good story. Do you remember Gary Rowell? Yeah I remember Gary Rowell. Sonland Clear and he played a borough for a while didn't he? Yeah, it's 70s early 80s. Yeah, it was me, he row.

Right. And in the village that I lived in near Sunderland when I was about nine there was a new fruit and veg shop that was opening up and Gary Raul came to do the honors. I cut the tip. I had to clear this fruit and veg shop open for business. Yeah.

And I was too scared to go. Really? Yeah, that's interesting. So my mom went instead, got a autograph, and I just I bottled it. Well, it shows you passion for the game, you see. Thanks. I went up with the BBC too to do a programme about Middlesbrough's,

a half-hour programme presented by someone who used to be in Brookside, Ring of Bell, Simon, someone. Yeah, I know. And so we got them, we're filming. Thank you, Tom Linson. Yeah. Sinbad. And we got some Middlesbrough football ground.

It was Paul Wilkinson, so I was sent to forward at the time and they said right Bob gone say hello We need to film this and like you I bought that sound really sorry I know you've brought me all the way up here But I come to the scared to go and say hello. We're like nine or ten then. No, this was I was filming for this was Well, you were growing mad grown man. Yeah, but so I've fully formed adult since then scared and all the poor work and so yeah, I'll approach any footballer Absolutely anyway tried to start a fight and then we're seeing we're sitting there Yeah, I think I might not approach is he called Flanagan? Liverpool right back on Flanagan. Yeah, I don't think I'd approach him. I would recognize him

Yeah, I wouldn't approach. I got various worries about his face. I wouldn't recognize him if he was on fire in my garden. Okay. But that's just me. So what's next, Dandie? There's this thing, Manchester United, I've got an official tractor. Right, it's a plier now. Yeah.

Because obviously there's been a lot of unofficial Manchester United tractors down the years. Yeah. A lot of confusion among the United tractors down the years, a lot of confusion among the fans, especially because they're a global brand now. Tractors are different from country to country aren't they? It depends where you go. Different needs, different functions. But mainly people want to buy the official ones.

People don't want to buy a snide tractor like outside the ground? Exactly. By some people who has just come along and he's selling them. Yeah, don't want to be able to say to the neighboring farmers, see them turnips or them beets. Yeah. They were pulled up by the official tractor of Manchester United.

Yeah, exactly. And now, finally, the powers that be at all traffic have got their act together and they've got an official tractor Okay, and it was a picture of it there, I have but which is an audio Suffice to say it's a beautiful red tractor. It is and it's got Dwight York's land the next to it, so Shit It's gone Dwight York's gone all the way to Thailand. Yeah To launch nice mention for the our friends in the far east It's got all the way to Thailand, to launch.

Nice mention for our friends in the Far East though. Yeah, isn't it? Should we just drop the music on the music for a few seconds and just reflect on that? That was nice. So getting back to the tractor, Dwight York's got a Thailand. He's not an official man United player anymore, but he must have some kind of an ambassadorial agricultural rule within the club. He's done what Gary Ralded at the fruit and veg shop for me. Yeah, but I wasn't there, but you know, could the tip. Yeah, Evoila, the man United tractor tractor. Yeah, get cultured rating on manu vans. See, I mind you like you'd you'd like to you'd like to arrive or traffic it in the tractor, wouldn't you? You know what I'm just saying, I think you would. I think that would be dangerous here, I've kids hanging off it and stuff.

Exactly. If what if you would do it York? No, I'm just saying. It's a regular fact. I'm taking this on first value, I don't know whether you're on Mionia and they so that now available will be a official man United tractor. So I'd say you've just looked at the picture. Okay, official man United tractor.

Do I york next to it? How much more official do you want it to be? Can you buy anything but a red tractor? To be honest. Okay, green ones. Oh, can you? John Deere, they're green, aren't they? So I'd like to show the club that I've spent up

on the official tractor. You surprised me. You just want to put it in a garage and leave it there. Well, you wouldn't park it outside or traffic, would you? It's our day. The traffic's horrendous on much this. Oh, okay. You've probably parked it at self-recording and then walk across. What is it that they hope? What do Manchester hope? No, it's the hope is that is...

What the kill's you? It's the hope is the manufacturer that people will buy, obviously. Yeah, it's a company called Janmar. Yeah. And they are now the official global agricultural machinery partner of Manchester United. OK, so they've got the world, the known world. Yeah.

You know, I might be bits of it. We haven't discovered yet. So what is this section of the show? You basically might do an advert for Janmar. Basically. Well, we've got to make someone yet. This one. I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, Basically. Well, we've got to make someone yet. Oh, I've found out. Next thing I'm sorry, you've suckered me right into that.

You said we could talk about Alan Shearer's wife's breath you want. Well, you obviously want to. What's in the National Women's Day? Yeah. So why not? So this is because Linnaker said he'll do the much of the day naked if lester went.

If lester led by the gentle or maybe not-so-general raniere when the Premier League, Gary Linnick-Eos said that he will present much of the deer in his undercrackers. Now Alan Sheira fresh from 72 hour non-stop five aside spot relief fiasco. Yeah. Yeah. Then chirped up and said, I'll end you want to miss shea as bras to wear pants. Emplicitly suggesting that Gary has got tits. Suggesting that he's got tits be he's into wearing women's underwear. Why didn't we call this

podcast Gary Linnaker's tits? Because it'd be too long for a Twitter. I saw back to that again. How was that working for you? It's Brandon. How was it working for you in his life? All right. Flething or mince, what's wrong with that? Well, it's happening before our very eyes. So, well, I don't know what you want me to say about this because it was a joke that I

didn't really get because I... Well, I just found it unsettling just to having it. I wanted it on the record that you found it unsettling. What's that? It happened just in case all right ladies You know Andy Dawson found it fans the idea of Alan Sheerah's wife bra very upsetting Do you find out the thought of any all bra has upsetting? Not really not really Salon Sheerah's wife It's just but it's both, isn't it? Hmm. The Shea was wearing it, you know.

All right, but I wouldn't seek it out. Okay, I think the Gary Linux has got it on. Yeah. You know, he's not going to help. Well, I mean, I text away some of the gravitas from much of the day, doesn't it? I would rather see much of the day presented by Gary Linux adjusting underpants with his tits on shore. Yeah. So you're as bad as Shira, you reckon he's got tits.

I'm not as bad as Shira, because Shira's trying to cover them up. Can a man have tits? I suppose he can have tits. I've got tits, Bob. You've got tits. I've got tits. I'm not a shiver, see that? But you're a linnaker one, I've tits. Or would you just say, has he's just flat chested, do you, that's all right? Yeah, they're quite muscular, but they'd be very pronounced.

Yeah, I bet he shaves his tits as well. Yeah, probably. I just leaves a little circle around the nipple. Maybe just for masculinity sake. Just a little circle of hair. So he'll learn the bath, get his chin right down so he can see his nips. Yeah.

Put the cream on. Yeah, you like this, don't you, and they rub the cream in, then he shared his chest, but just leave that little... Well, it's a sort of anyway, he shook, grouse in it. A little... What'd you call it? Target.

Oh, God. I wish I'd done this show with someone with more knowledge of agriculture. LAUGHTER A couple of weeks ago, do you remember when we asked people on Twitter how to make the most gruesome footballer imaginable? Oh, that's right. Yes, they suggested some body parts. Well, that is because yes, it's like it's constantly like Ivanovich's ass stunning,

high solid, credible maths. Yeah. And you could add, I'll just start the ball rolling, you could start with the last and Courtois neck. But is, is, is our system gruesome though, is it? No, we're looking for gruesome power. Oh, you want gruesome. That's what we asked for, yes, for gruesome, not,

not, I wasn't looking out for gruesome assets, it's not what I do when I'm sat watching Telly. Curious, so what did people suggest? Well, we had replies from quite a few people, cheers fairly. He said, Suarez's teeth. Yeah, good start. Good start. Yeah. That's going to feel quite a lot of the face up, isn't it? I'm going to wrap those teeth in Flannigan's gums. Right. thank you. But Flannigan again.

Steph Hamilton suggested Brian Kill Client's hair. Yeah, I can't imagine what does it look like. Well, it was really long, wasn't it? When he's playing for Newcastle, sent her off. He had it really long and a ponytail. But before that, I think it was permed. Oh, I remember this character, yeah. I think he used to live on a barge.

You think that's the most... What are you looking for, a grotesque? This is just so pointless, I'm not the judge. I just think the hair, it was a very suggestive. What is the fella from Mancetti at the back there? Not the other one. Otomendi. at the back there, not the other one. Otter Mendy. Otter Mendy. He's now put his shaved part in

about a millimeter from the middle. Yeah. Yeah. So what happens when it actually goes beyond center point? What is that air cut? Do you know what I mean? That's got a name. I think it's a pioneer in air cut.

Just got you going to call it the the oddimendi, can't you? So well he just has to take another, I don't know, four centimeters in his career to completely new haircut for the future. But then there was, in the yesterday of the week when Arsenal played Barcelona and he's got something going on where he's got shaved all apart from this, this sort of runway on the top of his head. Well that's a more he can, isn't it? Now it was too short to be morehawk and there wasn't enough...

Yeah, and then you couldn't get purchased. Didn't have any body in it, it was just a strip. Yeah. Horrific. Okay, well... Well, Cylcline, I think, I could be wrong, I used to sleep in a coffin. Oh, right here.

On a barge. Yeah. I could be wrong. A problem. I thought I'd do a Videsics vibe. Yeah. Did he use to solve crimes as well, and he's... Was it Pat Kelton Kilbride? I don't know, Brankler Klein,

solved any crime. I mean, you still have your imagine Stuart piece. You know, he's probably a name, won't he? They're not on here. They're not on here. Someone suggested Efonor Corco's perineum. Okay. Is that how you pronounce it perineum? Perineum. Yeah. The area between the scrotal area and the inlarrier. You mentioned the neglected area, aren't it? But then someone else, Tommy D84, suggested Tony or Boa's in us.

And these are your followers, obviously. Yeah, how would someone have knowledge of that? I can't have pitched it on your boy. I think sometimes you can tell a man's anus from their face. From the... To your main. Fertil expressions. Yeah.

I should think that I'll put it this way, that you have to push really hard. I think it's a tight... tight grip. It's a trial. It snaps right back, you know what I mean? Yeah. Mantex and age to snap back. Does this... It's a trial. Snaps right back, you know what I mean? Mantex and age to snap back. Does this drive a difficult period between wiping

and getting on with my life? Where there's still a very slow expulsion. I wonder if I need to say civility, don't I? Yeah, but left overs. Yeah, so I stand there with my trousers out down, just working for that part of the process. Then it doesn't snap shut. It just like,

like a, like a, like a, like a swing bridge. Yeah, like a swing bridge or like a, a winkle going back into its shell, kind of that kind of. Like a level crossing on a rear wheel. I've been slowly turning to business. And a little judder. Jiu-jiu. And it's gone.

And then back in business. Back in business. Go in and live in London. And what's the telly? What if you're out on a boat? Do you make time in your schedule? I don't want to talk about. I've been to start talking forever about it if you're not

careful. OK. Because it dominates me life. What's... Right. So, was there any other good parts of bodies? Well, the other one's, so what Stephen R. Moulton suggested, Urzal's eyes?

Yeah. No, I'm not convinced by that, because I think is, is eyes. Do you remember Ivanov, the Bulgarian player? Yes, I do remember. He had the look of a village idiot, didn't he? Yes, he did. Any wore it well.

Yeah. I think Urzal's just kind of pin homage to Ivanov. He had the look of a village idiot. Yes, he did. And he wore it well. Yeah. I think Urzels just kind of pin homage to Ivanov, the ice, or maybe Smarty Feldman. Well, what do you mean you think he's gone into hospital? I did, done. No, I don't think he's gone that far. I just think he's got some kind of suction implement.

And he just, before he takes to the field, he'll, like a plunger, an eye plunger. And he'll just enough just to bring them out for the 90 minutes. Maybe you can see his passes just that slightly more clearly. That's probably what he's trying to do. Peripheral vision, you know, just that little bit extra advantage. Yeah, you can say Ramsey coming up behind. Yeah, and give it him. And they haven't outlawed that yet. Perhaps the will eventually, but so far, they haven't. What do you want to move on to now? I don't think that's going anywhere, you know. Do you not? But if you think the summit, tell me, I mean, you talk about Ennis'

perineas. I'm off with through doing a Photoshop of all these, to show you later on. Right, I'll tell you what, write them out with a quill and they'll consider them. It says Luke Chadwick there. What does Pete was saying about Luke Chadwick? Just Luke Chadwick says G-Surge. I don't know Luke Chadwick. It was he play for a ballton. He was at Manchester United and then he was it. And he slid down the leagues, didn't he?

Like an eel. Okay. Frank Ribbery in general, someone said, but he was in a car accident. that's not nice, is it? That's not nice, but he has got a lot of auto on him. Jesus. And let's first say, you know exactly what his aunt is like from that, if I'm just look at him,

he's dirty, isn't it? Disgusting. He's dirty, yeah, really. Yeah. So I'm saying there's something in what I say. You probably have to wear a nappy. That actually, that leads us on to a Brazilian man. Yeah. Is he a footballer? Is he? He's a man and he's a footballer. Yeah.

And every much over the last eight years, he's wet himself before the game. What, through fear? No, he's done it voluntarily. He lets it go down. Yes, he did it once accidentally. Yeah. And his team won. And he's done it every much since then for eight years. Right.

And has this team continued to win? Yes, every single match. Every single match for eight years. No, they haven't. Of course they haven't had a ridiculous. So, why hasn't he stopped? I don't No, they haven't. Of course they haven't. Yeah. They're ridiculous. So, why hasn't he stopped?

Well, I don't know. You ask him. I can't ask him. Should we get him on? But what does it say? Didn't you also tell me that this is the same man who kicks seven shares out of snakes as well? One snake, singular.

The wetten himself thing, that's a plural, that's an ongoing thing. Right, you know. It's called edel orcore., edd-er, loco. Okay, he must have heard of him. No, I haven't heard of him, no. But anyway, wet himself before every much. Yeah. Wet himself for every much.

But quite recently, a snake got on the pitch as, as can probably up in in Brazil. Yeah. And while everyone was standing around looking at it and going, we're going to do with this. Yeah. Edd-er, loco is, it is short, stained and stinking of piss. He just weirded into the snake and he just kicked it, kicked it around the pitch until it was dead.

Oh, do you know, I'm glad I wasn't there to say that. Would you write an art then? Well, I don't, please got a lot of problems, doesn't he? People have skipped a pit of fully with snakes, aren't they? I do watch the snake hunter on Discovery Channel, or whatever it is? No deep down in the menu Pass the well pass the yachts and you're under it on the 803 one of them something like that No, I've not seen it. He fights black man, but we don't fight them

But if you've got a black man, or a spitting cobra or whatever in your house, he'll come and rescue it because he thinks he loves them He loves this snake. Does he? Yeah, he'll take it away and sort of add it to his collection, will he? Do you know about the black manber? I'm not familiar with the black manber. The black manber. It grows up to 13 feet, yeah. And it can run two thirds of its body upright, one thirds of its body. What did it run on? On the one third that it leaves on the ground.

And it can run up to 20 miles an hour. Got legs. No, imagine just a snake, He puts two thirds of his body up, upright. And then the final third, he uses like this. Slytheres. Slytheres, at 20 miles an hour, chase is here. You're dead. You're dead. You're dead within 10 minutes, if you're not looking off that.

I wouldn't stand for that. The black manber. No. It's a gray snake, but when it opens his mouth, it's deep, dark, black. Where opens his mouth, it's deep dark black. Where do they have them, their own south? South. So London's near.

Yeah, it's on County Surrey, Gilford, the road there. South Africa. South Africa. Right. And so there you go. Caught a well-cooked there, didn't they? They did, yeah. Jesus.

Do you know one of those grounds? But they didn't put it in the bid. But you know the ground where the first match to the England played that, you know, that's a car park now. Is it? It's a bit sad in it. It is the World Cup venue should be restored for forever. Yeah, but it really does.

It's, you know, it's, it's, well, you know, the corruption in that the World Cup Park in 1966. That was a World Cup ground. Yeah. That's a house in the state now. Some part was a World Cup ground. What's that now? In Fireson Park of course, was the venue of career beat

in South Korea beat in Italy, in that extraordinary match, which was the first football match I ever went to. And that's houses now. You've mentioned that that's just going to infuriate Kim Jong Il, because he'll be listening to this. Okay, I'd like to withdraw that immediately. And I wonder if Kim's listening, if he might like to listen to this little bit of music that we've got. Yeah, here we go.

That's better, that's nice. You think that's soothed them. Oh, you're up so good. So we've come to let you move on to something else? Yeah, please. No, I haven't got anything else. I think that's about it. It's all you want to talk about. No, there is though. Hang on, there is. Yeah. And this doesn't really tie in very nicely with the national women's deer. But this is a bad thing. There's a German club in the second division. Right. SV Sandhausen.

Yeah. And they have got a sponsorship deal. It's not for tractors, it's for hookers. It's so exciting about how that works. What they're doing is they've got a commercial partnership deal with a local brothel. Yeah. Called the B-Hive. Right right it's a nice name isn't it it sounds enticing doesn't it yeah it's a vocative of the summer of the B-hive haircut of dancers of local hop honey everything yeah but it's but it's a knock-in shop right

yo and fans of the club can get a discount if they go along right Right, and produce, is it arriving the tractor that they bought? They're arriving the official club tractor. The club tractor? They're the season ticket in the air. Yeah, so let's do one. Let's go. Yeah. Tauped to dance.

Well, I don't know what you, I mean, different attitude towards that sort of thing in Germany, isn't there? The race. I mean, I know a different attitude towards that sort of thing in, in Germany, isn't there? The risk. I mean, I know you find it shocking. I'm appalled by it. Yeah, I can see you're absolutely appalled. That's an interesting one, that. But it's, it's also supposedly the most environmentally conscious brothel in the world. Right. The manager, Yogan Mark says, they are a very serious partner. Alcohol and cigarettes are regularly promoted by utter clubs.

At least bean and stock is good for the environment. I applaud that. He's quite right. He hasn't explained how though, has he? You know, you know when, maybe they just recycle. No, because other brothels don't recycle and they have quite a proactive recycle and policy.

It could just be that. Do you know that on these these advert strips around the grounds? Yeah. There's one that's got a little doggie on it. I've seen that. I've found that too distracting. It is distracting, isn't it? But you can catch your in-laws out with it, you know, if they're a bit older and sell it as a dog on the pitch.

Right. Have you done that? Yeah. I'm sure you're loads of people have done it. There's just got to be in laws. You've got to be a certain age, yeah. Not a blood relic of. It's got to be somebody distanced from. Yeah, but can you tell me what it's advertised and that's the thing in it? Dogs trust. Is that what you reckon? I don't know. I mean, it's not advertising black dogs is it no so But it's a copy. It's just interesting it people hire these I looked into hiring one that you know the the championship clubs now occasionally hire a Mobile one of those things to go around the pitch is right on tally

20,000 quid that's a radius. I bet that I advertise black dogs thousand, Quid. That's outrageous. I bet that. To advertise black dogs. Actually, we could probably do get some sponsorship on this, couldn't we? Where would you like to sponsor? Black dogs. The black dogs organization. Sponsored by the black dog federation. What's the most famous black dog would be the Labrador? Just the Bray Arthur, we're going to see a specific black dog. Oh, a specific black dog. I can't think of a black... Greyfriars Bobby would agree. He wasn't... His last seat was like brown and black.

Has there ever been a famous black dog? Sutty? No, he's not black, is he? It's Sutty, but actually... Sutty's a puppet. Sutty's a puppet. He's a dog, is he? He's a puppet. And he's a puppet. He's a puppet, right?

And sweep is the dog. Sweep is the dog, either. He's not black. Well, that'll just have to be black, they'll have to be black. The black horse, he'll have to be. The one's a dog, a dog, a boar, his brown. God.

So we love to be on behalf of black dogs, generally. Perhaps that's why they're looking at Rear's awareness with these adverts at football matches because not many people are aware that black dogs are a thing. Yeah. They give us a voice, will you kids? Yeah. If anyone's just another son can think of a famous black dog. I'm thinking of a whiskey that maybe he's got a black dog on it, but I'm I've stopped thinking about it now, so I've only

got that far. I'm thinking of a Scotsman on a heath, right? And he's got a gun. and he's got a black dog on it. And he's got a black dog next door. And is this in a movie, in an advert, or... This is just in me imagination. I just wanted to try and think of a black dog. No, well, how unusual it would be if there isn't a famous black dog, Andy. Who do you want to win?

This premiership you've told me last time I do apologize. I think last time. Who do you think, do you think, Sunland and Middlesbrough are going to be in the same or different divisions next year? I think they're going to be both in the Premier League. Oh, that would be nice. But that's that's as much about my hit road of Newcastle United as it is of any faith in Sunderland. Why do you, why hate? Why, why, why, why do hate Newcastle United? What's to love about them?

I'm so sorry. I'm supposed to hate them. It's here at the bad thing. No, I think you're supposed to love your own club. I don't, I don't see why would you, you know, I let the hate arrive. So you haven't really got any rivals at Mill's Brevy. I mean, you've got Sunderland and Newcastle, but we don't give a monkey's about you. Well, I suppose leads is our lead. Why would leads care about you? Leads care about us, I tell you. Oh, yeah, they think about nothing else. Really?

Yeah, because they're seeing their demise correspond with our rise. Right. And I suppose that irritates them. I mean, I feel very sorry for these supporters. It's a great club. I remember the great days. But I just don't understand.

Why do I, if I'm gonna support, if I get one of my kids and they said, Dad, I'm gonna support, rather them. Why is part of the package for me, they've said in that case, you must hate. Is there a package, well, like a dossier? Well, it seems it sometimes seems. When you start supporting a club,

you get under a dossier and you say, the name of your team is Middlesbrough, the Nick, the Nick, the Nick, the Nick, the club colors founded 18, whenever, honors, not many. Yeah. Manager this week, it's Caranca, yeah. Here to figure, leads United, but you just have question marks there, wouldn't you? Because no, it comes down to the mattress.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You just have question marks there, wouldn't you? No, it comes down from the terrace, doesn't it? You got your first match and they'll be singing, we ate Leeds, come out, we ate Sunland, or whatever. You just answered your own question there. Why here? Why not? Oh, well, if it's why, not, yeah, why not go out and start putting leeches on old people? Oh, black dogs.

Yeah, you know how I know? I don't understand it. Of course, there is one exception with his Chelsea. All of course. Perhaps then you fit into this gentle category that we've been discussing today. Yeah. And you were a gentle, a gentle man. Gentlemen, thank you for that. And you don't. You don't subscribe to the, the hate thing quite as much as I do, but I'm a bit younger than you and I've got a lot of insecurities. Okay. And props, that's where the hate comes from. So, well, I just, I do find life hasn't been kind to me, Bob. Yeah, well, I've got a lot of

issues with a lot of people. Well, if it helps you to hate new castle units. And tits. And you have to carry those around with you. If it helps you to hate them, get through these trouble times. And of course, I understand, but generally speaking, it's not for me. I went fishing last week.

Did you? What's your catch? I caught a trout. Two now. Two and a half pound trout. Just one. Yeah. It's a waste of time, won't it? No, I caught three grilling as well. I just half pound trout. Just one. Yeah, it's a waste of time, right? No, I caught three

grilling as well. I just got one trout. What did you do with it? Chook it back. Yeah, chooked it straight back. You lie in a Italian line. Yeah, it's a titted there. No, I did not chooked it back. I didn't chook it back. I gently lowered it back in the water. Yeah, right. And, um, is there it a pie? Put a chow pie. Yeah. No, a sticky chow pie for our Iceland. Yeah. That's probably what you eat actually. Is there a big Iceland in Iceland?

Ain't, you know, there's, yeah, there's a couple of days at once there. I bet there is. Yeah. I bet there's an Iceland every 100 yards in some of them. And you can get a lobster for 399 in a little at the minute. But have you tried to purchase one, Andy? No.

Because I've heard a rumor that the Iceland Christmas lobster, and I'm suspicious it might be the same with this little spring lobster, shall we call it? Yeah. We're into March now, that you actually go down and there was only ever 10 available. Ah, right. At that stall.

Stor, so you'll never actually be able to purchase one. Like the 30 quid telly's in Astor on Friday. Yeah, because it's an extraordinary offer, 399 for a lobster. And you think it through. I thought maybe they were genetically engineered. Neither from Canada. Neither from Canada. Yeah. Well, you look so happy when you were thinking of Kelly and your lobster. I prefer a tin salmon to fresh. I've got to be honest. Do you like smoked salmon? It's alright, isn't it? It's alright.

In small doses. Yeah, I've got a little nibble on it. Is it what you're calling one of the things you have at parties? Yeah, a true font. I think they call them true fonts. Yes, I'll do but I do like tin salmon. So, where are we at now, are we bringing this to an end? Well I just got what kind of fish products do you like on the list of things that

we're going to talk about? Okay, we should because we got people to suggest a gruesome football for us. We should get people to answer another question in the hope that they'll listen again next week. Yeah, and find an answer to it. And I was quite tickled by the barnsley, I wasn't a barnsley fan, was it? It was a... No, it was a barnsley fan, it was the away end, wasn't it? Was it? Yeah. And he took a hamster and his hood.

And in the hood of his hoodie? Yeah. Yeah. And everyone sang at the hamster. And of course, the RSPC aren't happy with it. Well, although the surrounding supporters said that the hamster looked really happy. I think the RSPCA haven't actually commented yet. Right.

It was the National Hamster Council. Very different. They're quite militant. They are militant, yeah. They were straight out on the offensive condemning the hamster thing. Hector, the hamster he was. Right. He was called. No, I'm sorry, the RSPC I have denounced it. I'm just here right now. Just coming in. Just coming in right now,

the RSPC I have denounced it. But the National Hamster Council obviously strid at the blocks, you know, within minutes of the footage appearing on. I always think with the National Hamster Council, you know, they do overreact. They just want to take a breath sometimes, don't you think? Well, they kind of, but, you Council, they do overreact. They just want to take a breath sometimes, don't you think? Well, they haven't got much to do, have they? There's not a lot of hamster abuse going on. Well, and when some does happen, and it is apparent as that was,

and as brazen as that was, you can't blame them. I mean, I think the stories, it's because of that alliteration hamster in a hoodie. Yeah. I think that's what's brought it to everyone. Hector the hamster in a hoodie. Beautiful. I think that's what's brought it to everyone. Hector the hamster in a hoodie. Beautiful, isn't it? You know how I mean?

Yeah. If it had been, I don't know, I called Jeff Briefcast or whatever. Yeah. Colin Broadcast. If it was a briefcase. No, if his name was Colin Broadcast in a hoodie, not even in a hoodie. In a briefcase. In a jacket.

It just wouldn't have flown, and it's really flown. It's captured the imagination of the nation. Yeah. Well, I mean, next week, I think I'm willing to reveal that I have a secret move that you can carry out in a penalty area, which guarantees, either the scoring of a goal or the awarding of a penalty.

Right. However, for the last 24 years, I have been paired an annuity by the Football League to keep my mouth shut about it. Next week, I'm willing to, at the very least, give enough information that you might be able to work out what that move is. Are you now financially comfortable enough to feel that you can snub their annuity and reveal what it was.

I mean a lot of my budgeting was based on me being able to buy lobster's at 399. Right, but you might have to do a tin salmon instead. But I might have to, if I have tin salmon, I can survive without that. Or catch more trout. Yeah, for example. And I might be, well, I think I'll reveal enough information next week so that you could this rock the world of football. could it turn football on us? It finishes football.

It finishes football, yeah. See now I was just about to say it to people, if you can tell us what's the weirdest thing you've ever brought into a football ground, like a hamster, that would be a kind of a neat fun thing. Okay. And then you've just stepped all over that and gone next week, tune in boys and girls, I'm going gonna end football. Yeah, but hold on, we've doubled up.

We've doubled up because you can find out how football might end. And also, you can contribute with stories of the strangest thing you've seen at a football match. Could be too much, so that'd be one or the other. Yeah. Well, there you go. That's been, that's been

a let it go mince then. Yeah. Episode one. Episode one. I've enjoyed hearing what you've had to say. I think we, you know, it's been all right. I was a bit, if it's just if you don't mind me saying, and you know, there was a lot of stuff about the commercial side of the game. Yeah. And you seem to be wedging in talk of the Nether regions. Do you think it would be a little bit too much? I think you did on the, and I think you should reissue the audience of that one up and again. There's too much tea in here. Exactly. So unless that necessarily. Yeah. So in fact, he's obviously not going to do it, let me help him. So I would

like to reissue you that should you choose to tune in again, there'll be less of the TNA. Right. Thank you. I can't guarantee that. Yeah. Well, there we go then. You can find us on Twitter at Athletic Ormins. Yeah. And just, you know, get on there and just sit off to us. Yeah, and we'll just steal it. Yeah, we'll just fill up next week's show with it. Because we're like that. Right, well, let's thank everyone for listening, Andy. Thanks everyone. Sorry about the tea in here. Sorry about the tea in here. Down a bit next week. I hope you've learned something useful. And next week, could you not wear them, then cat whiskers, that you've got to store your face. Ah, because I think you're right off. I won't wear them. Alright, thanks Bob.

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