Athletico Mince - Reheated Mince Vol. 3

Episode Date: October 11, 2018

Bob’s still off fishing so here’s some nice bits from episodes 26-35… including Lawro, McClaren, Secret Soccer Superstar, the Alderman, a Scottish tale and more... Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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See you after details. Okay, right, well what's a call you this week? Mr Conker? Mr Conkers? What is this? Conker Conker Conker? Like a Conker. The horse chestnut? Fuck yeah, now.

Oh, of course, you can be runny up dog, if you want to be runny up. Well, I'll be runny up dog, I think. All right. I don't really like the conker thing. OK, hello, runny, the hot dog. Hello, honky-tonk. Thank you very much.

Here we go. Hey, the full of megas is being arrested in connection with the possible murder. I heard this. Would you let the conker to a crime that you have mealtown of committed in the past? Be careful. Sort of exciting? Um... Be careful. Sort of exciting, man.

Be careful. Yeah, I guess, you know. Well, you might see us living in jest. And before you know it, you're in the slumber. Have you seen the film Top Carpey? What? Top Carpey. It's not about besting glass carp fish.

No, it's like where you steal jewels and ancient artifacts by again an entrance to the museum high up on a wire. So mission impossible. Well there's a stroller off top carpet. I have committed one of those crimes. I committed it in Monaco. I got away with it scoffery and I bought a Mercedes-Benz car with the proceeds plus enough bird's-eye boil in the bag beef to last me until I'm 60. And that's true. That's true. And because monocle exists outside of the interpol catchment area. Yes, that's right. You can see whatever you want about that. Yeah, so nice one. There's a crime. Right, good.

Do you want me to go on the gangs of the EPL because I've got to be honest with you Andy, you want to position this one correctly because it's a bit long. Well just go ahead at the way I know them. You sure? Yeah. Okay. And people can just fast forward through it if they want to. Right gangs of the EPL. So I think I went to the river side last set I don't watch

Brothers Victory against Bournemouth and I thought I just would like to tell you a little bit about because I go every other week about that time and you know what I get up to so's set off. At 8.30 in me fast black soupa-ker, right? Obviously. I take one of those up drinks, hot cups of tea, you know, and it's... You know those thick hot cups that keep your drinks hot? Those hot drinks of hot cups. Hot cups, do you call them?

I'm fattening them. And it's got super-carrot cup written on it. Right. I've got the wife to do for it. Did it come with the car? No, no, I got the wife to do it because I wanted it black and chrome. Yeah. You know, I wanted to feel like premierships. And did you turn into Chris Evans, Bob? Don't, don't, never say that.

I mean, say fucking anything. And so I took, so I've got me, so this is me going. I got me super car hot drink. I have a pack of Cadbury's chocolate fingers. With me, I was taking them for the journey. And I just like, on that point, I'd like to say, I think the chocolate on the Cadbury's fingers, the cheaper Cadbury's buttons,

flake chocolate. Do you think so? It's not very much, I've thought about it. Okay, so I'll... You don't eat these while you're driving, do you? Yeah, I do. A pack of crisps. I don't know, because that's an eagle.

I mean, a pack of crisps, me ones with ill or saturated fat content. And I'll listen to crime podcasts and journey Mitchell songs. Okay. What a nice life. And can I just find another little detail that can't possibly be of any interest? You know on this podcast we've voiced like our concern about memory form yeah right and the fact that it hates you up too much right so well I got on you mattress recently and what I did was it's what I I I cut out a square from the old form memory one yeah and I've put that on me super car front seat. Right. So you can see it at the window because you quite sure that it's a revelation.

Right. So what happens is the heat builds up in the arse during the journey. Right. And when I get into the riverside, the latent heat that's in stored in my arse, right, keeps me and the people immediately around me warm, right through till about half time. That's good. I'm glad you incorporated that into the already over long times of APL section. Well, on me we're back, going to reverse,

I stopped by, whether we service this, I got a service dish. It is, it's very busy though. Yeah. Oh, it's busy. I get a hot chocolate and a scotch egg and a time out bar, right? So all I've had in the day is me fingers, me chris, me scotcheg, me hot chocolate, me time out bar. When I get,

oh my get on boat after 10. I always have me first piss of the day. Really? Really? Yeah. And then also you last one of the days in your Chadwick. It's not my Chadwick. Right. Because then I get on the beer. But so I have your last one of the deer? It's in your Chadwick. It's not my Chadwick. Right. Because then I get on the bea, but so I have the first piece of the deer and it's the exact colour of the beef consomme that the serve at the Ritz in London. Right. And it smells like the very centre of a lukewarm little pork pie.

So this is a savoury spread, you know what I mean? That's a beautiful moment that isn't it? It is because, well no thank you because it's like it's sums up the day it's a mix of the north and the south. Yeah. And it just kind of reflects, you know, the whole day. You can't beat a pungent piss that doesn't actually discuss you, can you? You're on don't this go. Can we not go, don't you? Can we not go into piss? Please, can we not go into piss? I might put get that put on a badge or a tape shirt, can we not go into piss?

Andy, now the gangs of the EPL stands. Thank you. After the match, I went to the... So I do this thing again. Just in case, yeah, all right. Gangs of the EPL. Music Right, so players lounge afterwards. I'm going there, a family about, see if there's anything to nick or whatever.

And I was going down the corridor, I saw a sign on just a really ordinary, like up furniture, and sort of door. Just written in what are those pens called that David Beckham uses to probably a Sharpie. A Sharpie, you rights his novels when I'm done. So I went inside, I don't know what the sign said, I don't remember I went inside, there's Biffy Cliro. Yeah, sat on his own, drawn on his first with a Sharpie and he looks at me and he just says, help. So I think I'll they're going to go off to the wall. So I think out of there, I'm like, I don't want to go involved with that.

I'm getting involved. So I'm going past the toilet, so I hear a bit of a commotion. I go inside, he, really quiet. You know, just peek me around. There's Eddie Howell, you know, the Bournemouth manager and Jack Wilshire. Right, deep in conversation.

Now Eddie, Eddie's wearing a boiler suit, because I don't know if you know, but He does boiler services and repairs on the side. Yeah, did you know? Yeah, did you know? Because I got caught out because I wanted him. He only does gasoline electric not oil It's quite hard if I know one of these days, isn't it? Yeah, it is a specialist job, right? It's Korgi registered and Jack's wearing a really shiny. You know that shiny Kind of African prints are manly suit. really shiny you know that shiny kind of African prince Armani suit yeah you know I mean so there's Eddie talking to Jack he says

I'm very disappointed Jack how does he talk Eddie's like he don't move his taste to the mouth his face doesn't move at all I'm very disappointed Jack yeah yeah that's it yeah I'm very disappointed Jack you've, yeah, that's it. I'm very disappointed Jack. You've been smoking in here, I can smell it. Jack says, I haven't bought a promise and I'm not even lying. Hey, sorry, he says, shut up Jack. This is Bournemouth football club where a lovely little fairy tale club

will run our arts out and really tactically aware. You know the Gordon rules. One, ski yogh at frowthounds a day, two, desk or dark graze suits from M&S, and three, no doing anything doubt like BMX biking or or splurning a dressing room or funny and about on a beach or smawking. And he says, he got to really seriously says, now I want you to answer my next three questions with absolute honesty. Your future here, this lovely club depends on it. He says,

Sojak, do you like ski yogurt? No boss I don't, and I'm not even lying, I don't. That's okay, I will lovely manager of the lovely club. So you can switch to more of a light. Yes, thank you, boss. You want to get it? I'm not even lying about that. Second question. Is that suit from St. Spencer's Jack?

Boss, no, I'm sorry. Boss, you know what, John? I mean, it's from Broden. I'm not even and not even that I didn't know it's not from MMS he says okay you've been lovely and honest let's see we reach a good why is it Jordy well what's Cockney sound like come on well yeah Cockney you've been lavily in Honest. Let's say we reach a compromise. You can buy a dark grey suit from either next directory or Devonums. Oh thank you button you were not even going to regret that. I've got some nice tight suits at next and Wilch is not jolly. No he's not. Well that's all right. Finally. Finally and this is the big one, as far as this lovely club is concerned, have you been smoking in here, right? Well, I forgot to tell you, and it's quite important,

slightly ruins it really, is that the halftime and the tournament at the Riverside versus Bournemouth was James Arthur. Yeah, he came on and did the big club come back. No I didn't sing he just did the draw and that and give us an opinion on the tactics and what. So I say anyway as far as this lovely this is the big one as far as this lovely club is concerned have you been smoking in here? Now Jack starts biting his lip and like rubbing his tummy and making like a slo-grunt and a little bit of way up here is just on the front of his shiny suit. Boss, boss, boss, boss, listen, at that moment the cubicle door bangs open and out comes James Arthur wearing full peaky blinders gear all in suit, cloth cap etc.

obniol boots? obniol boots, peaky blinders look and James says alright mister how old you do? I heard what you were saying like and I just wanted to say like that it was me who was fagging it near like this short block in the cheap suit whoever he is he hadn't been smorgging like. Well thank you says Eddie that's cleared that up at that moment. I know Karangka comes into the box right and he says Eddie. So Eddie takes it as you know and goes out with him and their leave. James turns to Jack. He says, I'm James Arthur of X Factor and I work for the Peaky Gooners

Theo Walkutz gang. You left Arsenal to get away from them stealing your dinner money and leaving Todd in your car. Well, you was one now. You must be great to be I'n gweithio'r yw'n gweithio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio'r ymwchio He goes, he goes back at the Arsenal in London, he says, oh, not good, like the two Spurs gangs, the White Arts and the Sherwoods, like, I rather than meeting in Ari Kynes' mums Gallagin next week, there might be foreman in alliance that could shift the power in London, like, but we have got a spy working for us. Like, an Enic Lamella, but it's that little twat, Lamella.

He says, I'm not saying out, like, you'll be healing from us in the meantime. You'll keep an eye on that Kalam Wilson for us. Rumor is he spreading lies about Theo, I'm the tiny Johnson. Well, he has, as a knee, yeah, but that's not the point. It's about respect. And they walk out together and they're gone.

So that's another chapter, In the gangs of EPL. Yeah. And you know this is a bit like an age by your box set this. Yeah. We just learn a little bit each week. Did you think Andy that story was a bit like Broadwalk Empire? I've not seen Broadwalk. All right well that let me tell you. I've got a new game for us to play a Bob, it's called the numbers game. Right, I want you to give me a number between 10 and 24.

Okay, I said it, do I? Yeah, yeah, please. 15, thank you. 15 right now, well, it's 2016 now, so we deduct 15 from that, right, which gives us 2,000, 1. Right. That leads on to the second part of this. Bob, in 2,000, 1, were you a complete arsehole or a massive bell end?

And I could only have one. What are the two? Yeah. Complete arsehole or massive bell? I was a complete arsehole. Okay. That's the number skier. Thanks for playing. That's a really good game isn't it? It's not a game that one. It's going to catch on that, I think. Okay so I'm going back in time here., Steve's left his interview for the job at Derby, which he got, yeah. So he's cocking a hoop, he's got his new job and he insisted that the chairman, do you remember I advanced him 200 grand? Yeah. Which he could use to get his SNCC Casper back by paying the ransom to the fat lass, okay,

so that's where we are. Right. So it gets outside the eye broad. Sean Dish, it was interview before him, if you remember, is waiting for a lift back into town to get his bus back to Burnley. Sean's wearing our that scargain or purple suit, black and white checked tie, white lawpers, leather chubby. Do you know that stuff? Yeah, do you know that stuff? I am familiar. Do you know that stuff? That's got to be fair. Do you know that stuff? Yes, Bob. Do you know that stuff? Yes, you might have a catch phrase. Do you know that stuff? Do you know that stuff? Do you know what to mean? Anyway, so he's waiting for a lift. Steve says, says him. He says, oh, have you been eating a calippur or a pumpkin soup or something?

You've got orange all around your mouth. And he said, no, no, you are full slug. It's me dispeared. It's me dispeared. My dispeared. Hey, he says, as a squirrel, just burrowed in your head because the tip of its tail is still sticking out. No, don't be a Rodney Plunker. That's my hair island. My hair island. Then a buff can laugh, Andy. So you do, you do Sean's laugh. One... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe I don't know, I don't know. Oh, that's shutt-ya. So no problem or seeing your daisy,

so Steve, and so the buff getting this clown car, drives driving along, honk honk honk honk, on the clown car honk honk honk honk. Get out of me way, you dips, dicks. We've got the Burnley Shuttled to catch. Because you're gonna get the bus to Burnley, the start chatting away. Steve, Sean, hey Steve, you seen Neil Warnock's eyebrows. the bus to where Burnley the start chatting away. Steeve Sean.

Hey Steeve, you see Neil Warnock's eyebrows. It's like he asked for a crack wax, and the lady thought his face was his ass. Do the laugh again. He he he. So I'm good fun. You do that all the time for us. So Steeve says, good one, have you noticed

that Mark Hughes hasn't got any lips? Looks like he asked for an anal bleaching and the lady thought his face was his ass. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha good one, quite similar to mine, but not bad. You know why he's called Sparky, don't you? Because whenever he plucks something in, sparks fly out of his ass and spell the words, Egyptian cotton. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You see you see David Moise bulging eyes, yeah, it's like it just popped a black head and his ball sack I've messed that one up. He says think Steve I've messed that up. He says so try again. I'll try again I'm just fucked up. You see David Moise bulging eyes. It's like he just popped a black head on his bowl sack and his face got stuck. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha o'r justa sems, bydd y muddwl o'r cyflwy, yn gallu'r cyflwy yn yna i'r cyflwy. Mae'r cyflwy yn yna i'r cyflwy. Mae'r cyflwy yn yna i'r cyflwy. Mae'r cyflwy yn yna i'r cyflwy. Mae'r cyflwy yn yna i'r cyflwy.

Mae'r cyflwy yn yna i'r cyflwy. Mae'r cyflwy yn yna i'r cyflwy. Mae'r cyflwy yn yna i'r cyflwy. Mae'r cyflwy yn yna i'r cyflwy. Mae'r cyflwy yn yna i'r cyflwy. We, right, which is a really posh restaurant. It actually translates to the house of yesterday's briefcase. Well, I know it was made you laugh because you think not Ponzi Pete, but that's a classy sound in place. I'm laughing quite a lot of this, but it's all real, isn't it? And it's not that funny.

Oh, the house of yesterday's briefcase, that's a right fancy drum. You'll need a tie and Sean gives him his black and white check tie to wear. You see, Andy, which is now subvenit, because he had the look. So Steve's right, arrives outside the Mays on Valise D'Orge, your way. What does that in translate as, Andy? Oh, God. The house of the briefcase.

House of yesterday's brief. You've forgotten briefcase? Yesterday's briefcase. Yesterday's briefcase. No, sorry, Bob. You can see that one of the windows in the restaurant's all steamed up so he knows the fat lass must be sat in there near the window.

Then like the image of Sam Allardice pumping aware on it on the kitchen table with her legs banging against the bacon trays and abyscate tins just like makes them shuddering off. We pull them together and he goes inside and the Metro D greets him, says Ilou sir, the else if yesterday's brief case. Can I just say the most on your heads and absolutely adorable thing? No, that's not the mouth, Sammy. It's me, Helen, my Helen, my Helen, my Helen. So, you sit down, I like that way a character, Andy. He reminds me of the one I first did.

Oh yeah, the French fella. Yeah. You like him, man, don't you? Oh yeah. Sorry, I'm's down at the table with the big laugh. She's got, she's obviously ready to go on a trip, she's got suitcase, a ski bag, she's off to Austria, skiing, someone like that, you know what I mean? Hello love, you off skiing then? Ah, fuck off your watch, you twat. This is, I'm in a rush, so I've ordered the four-bird roast with a side plate of pork chops

for me and a bowl of custard for you off the kids' menu. Is that okay? Yes, of course, love, of course, yes, love, listen, love, I was Casper, I miss him so much. You'll find out when you pay me, me tones me 200,000 pounds. Yes, I know love I know love the money should be in my account by the end of the mail Just tell me how he is and where he is. Do you do really like he needs to be warm? I'm telling you nothing till I get my money Okay, checking your father. They're your custod So Steve starts to eat is custard, right Andy? And then he sees the

queerest of things. So that like you were Steven Fry some it said the queerest of things. Oh, it seems the queerest of things. That's a bit of a sense. So Steve starts to eat his custard and then he says the queerest of things. The skee bag, right, behind the fat lass, seems to be spulzing and moving slightly, and like the summit inside, and it pushes its head through the flap at the top, something you can see it emerging, could it be Yanday, could it be Casper? Is it? Yes, it is Casper. And he manages to poke himself about a foot out of the bag and his throat begins to swell up, right? Well, you know what that means, not yet, Andy. It's got a spew. It's pure. Well, Steve just wants to rush up and hug him,

but he knows that that is too dangerous, right? With the fat last there, she kicked his fucking face in. So he throws Casper a look to tell him, don't, don't you dare, don't do it Casper. It's just a look Andy, but that's why it says no. Don't do it Casper. And the swelling starts to go down. But he can hardly, he can turn his excitement, but out of get Casper Andy,

without getting kicked in by the fat last, what he needs to do, I think you'd agree, as he needs to, one, he could create a distraction or two, he could disable or could, would you agree with that summation? Well either one of them will look at it, wouldn't it? Then he remembers Andy, he's not stupid, he isn't one thing about Stevie Mac, the Mac Chasin Mac, Chasin Mac, Stevie Mac, one thing about him is he's not stupid. He remembers, you remember the time that Casper danced on the black and white towels on the kitchen floor and the yellow, the yellow shape of Casper was dancing along and it made

a smat last time. Trigger the fittedness. Yeah. What's he got around his neck and a tie? He's got the black and white tie. So thinking quickly, he let some of the cuss,, he's got the black and white tie. So I'll think him quickly. He let some of the cussed, the yellow cussed a drip onto his tie and a little bit more until the fat last notice is, oh fucksick!

And he says, can you clean it off from me, love? So she like yanks him over by his tie over the table. And she starts rubbing at the yellow stain, right? Rubbing and rubbing rubbing and as she does so her eyes start to bog up and she begins to sweat sweat you know go on fuck it smells like when you just opened a tin of corn beef do you know what I mean nice or Steve winks at Casper Casper winks back at him the fit has now kicked in right she starts She starts shaking, dribbling at her mouth, and her legs start banging on the terrible legs, right? Steve jumps up, grabs the ski bag, runs out to his clown car,

he's bursting with happiness, right? He's got a new job at Derby, Casper's backing his arms, and he can still hear the faint banging of the fat-lasses legs. Fitting, you know, against the table, and the mayor's on the house of yesterday's briefcase. And I hope that that name somehow is like, I don't know, I'm not selling dippity's the

wrong word, but I hope that's a new start for Casper and Steven, that's like yesterday's briefcase, yesterday's business. Do you know what I mean? Right, I see what, yeah, that's quite tenuous. But you know what I mean. So, yeah, that's that brief. Is that the end of it? And that's for now?

For now, when I have to go, I'll have to jump forward next time to Derby, but that just fills you in with how we managed to get Casper back, boys, brilliant, yeah, was in it. It's fantastic. It's really you not in with the snake and she's a thrushing mess on the floor of a friend's dress. Yeah, well, it's reunited with the snake and she's a thrushing mess on the floor of a French restaurant. Yeah well it serves a right anguish, she's really nasty to stay, I think. She's a fucker. Thank you very much, I did it on the

server. Let's not beat her own the bush here, she's an absolute fucker. You might remember that Mark Lawrence had a tall, robson grain. Is it robson grain? Robson Jorom. What is it Andy? Not for... No one knows robson grain. Robson grain.

Haha. That he would invite him round for dinner so he could meet Rafa Benetus, yeah? Yep. So it's a big day. Mark and his wife Barbara are cleaning and up round the house house and that and Mark says you have to do this for us Andy Mark, yeah, I'll go into the loft and plump up the insulation so the house will be nice and cozy I'll go up into the loft and plump up the insulation so the house will be nice and cozy Right then he says to their sorry is a bit more than he says says to Barbara

I'll do the metal bits and pieces you do the windows and the Hoover in Barbara. I'll do the metal bits and pieces, you do the Hoover in Barbara. And the windows. And the windows. You see, you're doing them too long. Alright, I'm, I'm, right. It's like you're teaching a kid a song, you've got to break it down. Okay, well done from now on. So Mark claims, he gets, plumps up the loft installation and he cleans all the little brass ornaments and offender and lovely metal box that they've got for keeping the cauliflower. I was keeping the cauliflower as a, you know, it's funny about that.

He's using the brass on, he's silver stuff and all that and everything. And Barbara ties her air back, gets her air, her own text, her suspects off, gets on with the hoovering and the windows and that, you know. And when the done, Barbara says, okay, that's got the house all lovely mark, isn't it lovely? And he says, yeah, it looks lovely. Yeah, it looks lovely. And she says, what would you like me to cook for tonight?

It's big dinner. And he says, oh, I'll have to have a think. I'll have to have a think. Could you wash me first with the Belinda wipes whilst I have a think. Could you wash me first with the Belinda wipes while I have a think, Barbara? So she picks up the cloth, starts washing his face. Then after a while, he says, I can't think of anything. Barbara, I can't think of anything. Barbara, I can't think of anything.

She says, well what about fish? Robson likes fish, doesn't he? He says, what if he's sick of fish? What if Raffa doesn't like fish? It's a bit risky, Barbara, like patting a bulldog. What if he's sick of fish? What if Raffa doesn't like fish? It's a bit risky, Barbara. Like patting a bulldog?

No, don't deal with the question. Like patting a bulldog. Like patting a bulldog. Dog. Bulldog. It's about what we're about staking chips. Who doesn't like staking chips? And he says, just seems a bit dull. Just seems a bit dull.

What about a curry? What about a curry? Raffa's for it, he might like curry, Barbara. Raffa's for it, he might like a curry, Barbara. With poppodoms and nands and pickles. With poppodoms, nands and pickles. And a nice curved banana for pud. And a nice curved banana for pud. OK, curry it is, then, she says,

but you'll have to in a pinter time when we get the popper time. Get the popper, don't say. Okay Barbara, I'll go right now and meet her on dye. Okay Barbara, I'll go right now and meet her on dye. So Barbara goes back to cleaning the windows, right? Yeah. But the cloths started making it them a bit smeary.

So she's looking through the window through the smears and she says Mark leave the driveway Crash straight into the tray opposite it fuck yeah, so it yeah So she goes out opens the door and has Mark So I found conscious faces bleeding Fucking hell Barbara says mark fucking hell Barbara. I couldn't see your thing. I couldn't see your thing. Why not says Barbara? Cause that wasn't the Belinda wipes you washed me first with.

Cause that wasn't the Belinda wipes you washed me first with? It was my silver polish cloth. I can't see your thing. It was my silver polish cloth. I can't see your thing. So that's nasty, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know if you were listening,'s nasty, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know if you were listening, but she took her glasses off to do the overring.

Right. So she picked up the wrong cloth and just clipped. Oh, that's clever, that. I hadn't really, you left a little clue there, didn't you? And I hadn't watched it. So Barbara formed up Robson. He's like, I have, Bob's, I can't wait for tonight to meet Raffa Bernitas. I've been down the old let's center and bought a special jummer and all that and everything

I do I do for the tune. She says sorry Rob's and Mark's at the car crash I love to cancel. Ah fuck I know, Bob's, sometimes I think I'll never get the meet Raffa Benetus. Hey, unless Anton Dick can help out. Oh, so that's interesting. I'm gonna have to happen there. That could be a future development. Maybe he's gonna see what if Anton Deck

have got an in-wear rougher. Yeah. Yeah. Right, I've got some questions for your wife, Isha here. Oh, fucking else, do it in. She's not in the room with us. Isha here in spirit. She's here in spirit.

I've got full authority to respond. Right, if you'd like a channel your wife at this point. Okay. I've got some questions. Mrs Bob. Does Bob do funny voices around the houses? We have compensate and for having nothing of worth to see. And how irritating do you find this on a scale of 1 to 10? Yes, he's always trying to, you know, like up his ante, you know, or locking around with, um, stooped with voices. What I do is I, um, I tolerate them. And I don't, to be honest with you, I don't really hate them anymore.

So I'm not bothered. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? The main one he does, he, he's got the cat's voice as quite part. Do you know what I mean? Got a little bit sick. He doesn't does it? I hate father. He's a rat fucker in he. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? No mother. That fucker in he. So yeah, I hardly hear it, but yeah, you've correctly identified that weakness in him. Very good question too, Mrs Bob. Whenever Bob drops on his tool belt

and announces that he's going to do some DIY. Do you find it weirdly arousing? Or do you reach for your phone, ready to dial 999, assuming that he's about the slightest finger off? He hasn't got a tool belt. He's got a screwdriver. One screwdriver. Yeah, with a red handle. Where's the screwdriver? You know what, the one with a red handle.

And... Mother! You're right. You can never find it um he doesn't attempt DIY but nor does he get trades milling he just lets the house slowly right it's a good shit yeah fair enough honest answer question three Mrs Bob what is Bob's pin number a what is Bob's pin number I don't know his pin number. She doesn't, you know, I'm just, I'm fabulous. You've been here there. Yeah, I don't, Andy, I don't know his pin number.

That was good to see a footy that you do a voice for the cap, but you don't do a voice for your wife. That's quite telling. I don't know his pin number. All right. Can I have a guess of it then? Come close. Let's couple of weeks, I'll make a little bit of it.

All right, here we go. Here we go. 5, 9, two, nine. Yeah, that's the matter. Oh god. Honestly. Well, you've had four weeks to work it out. I've got it.

Yeah, we'll do it. We'll do it. Guess a different one. Or will you take it out? Do you want us to cut that out? Yeah, obviously. I'll just do another one then. Five, nine, three, three.

No, it's not right. Oh man, not right. I'm gonna have to give up eventually with this one. I'm gonna have to give up, eventually. In fact, why don't you give up this week, Andy? Maybe I will. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

What do you want? I have to say in the oldenment for a good while now, right? You were spending a few weeks, hasn't I? Yeah, yeah. It's been a good few weeks. Obviously, it's fast and it's body-shurping. That enters me mind every now and then. Yeah, obviously.

That night. And I occasionally go to the website of the T-side Evening Gazette to see if there's any new pictures of him. Yeah. Who in his charity work are competing in that. I can't be half of Dorsy Kids. Yeah. So I'm at home with the wife last Tuesday.

We're having one of our afternoon crime clubs watching the dog. Oh, yeah, afternoon. Oh, we shut the shutters and that. Hey, you sent me retired now. Yeah, right. And the afternoon crime club. Absolutely.

What's in the documentary about a bloke who murdered his victim with door handles? But you would watch that, wouldn't you? Yeah. So as we saw that on the blurb, you know, can you imagine saying, documentary about a bloke who murdered his victims with door handles? Yeah. I can't imagine him saying, no, no, I don't want to see that. Yeah. Well, you've got to watch that. Well, watching it anyway. I don't know why I laughed. Suddenly, there's a very, very robust, I'll

see if I've got that I can recreate a very robust knock on the door. Not a whoo you think police bear lift what you know that it was that's not. I think Bela. Yeah that's what it had that sort of authority and it really gives us a bit of a shot me cat or something I mean me cats spewed up on me jack- we really, it was, so I answered the door and, oh no, it's the old man. He's got his charity mini bus parked on my drive. And boy, Andy, he looks smart. Did he? Honestly, you know, well, I don't know what it's like,

well brown jacket. Yeah. Like milk chocolate color, silvery glace, gray slacks though, like they're gently flared at the bottom. You know what I mean? I think I'll airline, airline flared.

But still really tight round is thousand is out. You know, really nice. You know, nice contour and that. And red shoes. It's the look of a man from T-side who's, who's trying to impress, isn't it? Yeah, it's trying to be true, for suppose you might say. So my heart obviously misses a beat.

Yeah. I'll swallow a bit and whatever. You know why, isn't it? Hello, Robert. Long time no see. Long time no kiss, I'm thinking. You know what I mean, I didn't say that. Get in.

Well, well, are you not going to invite me in? I saw, yeah, yeah, of course, I'll be lovely to see you. We're just watching the program about, Jack. Let's see, you know, the door handle killer. Oh, the door handle killer. It's a very nice choice. So we get into the front room. Wife's turned off the tele because she's a bit embarrassed about having it on during the day. You know what I mean?

Do the introductions and the wife says, can I get your own thing to eat, old man? And he says, yes Margaret, thank you. I've got a long journey back to Stockton. Good either ham sandwich and a piece of fruit please. Of course there's the wife. And then he says, hold on, hold on. What fruit do you got?

And she says, oh I've got banana, pear, apple, orange. And he says, do you have apricot, Margaret? She says, he, no, I don't. And I said, I could go and get a pack from Waitrose. And he says, well, no, you stay here, Robert. I need a chat about daft kid stuff. And I really do need an apricot. So Margaret and my wife says, oh, here, Robert. I need a chat about deaf kids stuff and I really do need an applicant. So, Margaret, my wife says, oh that's fine, I'll go and get them.

And off she goes. Soon as she's gone, he says, listen, Robert, I have a long journey ahead. So I said, could I have a quick shower? I said, oh yeah, of course you can, I understand. Yeah, so I showed him where it was, let him get on with it. Couple of minutes later from, I understand. Yeah, so I'm sure they were where it was, let him get on with it. Couple of minutes later, from upstairs, I hear, Robert, Robert, can you come and help me please? Quick Robert. So I go up and I knock on the bathroom door. Come in Robert.

So in I go and he stood there, naked in front of the window, that like over looks the drive. Now, he's about 17 stone the older man, yeah. But his skin skin still really taught you know what I mean it's really taught it's a little bit red in a few patches because the map map me wife always has a shower thick and too hot right so that's not his fault it you know like now because he's in front of the it's because

it's late afternoon he's in front of the the the's because it's late afternoon, it's in front of the window. Like a shoulder hair is really like fluffed up and it's like silhouetted in the light coming from the window. It's like a lovely patch of like a camomile lawn or something that you just wanna bury your head in. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I'm pretending I do.

I need a towel, Robert, but the one you provided fell out of the window. So our brush past is body and I look out the window and sure enough there's me towel. But guess who's holding it? Guess who's holding the towel? Is it the town clock? The Gintown clock yeah and he's there with all his crawlies. You know what I mean?

More banded. Yeah the vigorous things of bleach and parks and recreations. And, frickin' biffies there. Biffy Climb, we're drawing on his first. Well, they all start chanting. Kiss the Olderman. Kiss the Olderman. Kiss the Olderman.

I think, yeah, I really want to. I do want to. There's naked door. Whatever's a lot more of that. Whatever. I like the bed across. Well, that saw, I turned to him and he's already in position. He's staring at me with his mouth like wide open. Why is it and get it?

You know, so I got my mouth as wide as I can. What's the world of them? Yeah, I slowly, slowly move towards him. And just as our lips are about to sort of couple, right? Clamp under it. Yeah, he stops me though, put on my shoulders, and his tongue starts darting around the mouth like a little chuvan al snake. And then he gently puts my hand against the side of his thigh, and then he clumps his lips onto mine. Note that both our lips are quite wet so their lips are slipping around each other searching for

a grip. Then he pulls back, but it's over and it's over. Thank you Robert, that will be all. Biffy I think it was through the towel, up comes through the window and I, like half beat really quickly. Go back to the lounge and think wow like, heartbeat really quickly, go back to the lounge, I think. Wow, just amazing. That was superb. Anyway, he left straight away before the wife got back.

So well, I'm walking to say there you go, I got a kiss. Did he not get the upper cut? No, I got a kiss and I got to have the upper cuts with the cry club, which was a bonus because the wife won. Win, win, win, win, win for you, wasn't it? Yes, you won't use the other upperots with the crime club which was a bonus because the white one was the winner. Win, win, win, win for you, isn't it? Yes, you won't use the apricots in you also. Apricots in crime so. Yeah, do you suspect anything?

I tell you, it really felt like electric though. Yeah. But I hope I did it justice. Hey, up, so I'm sure you did. I'm not sure where it goes from here but it can only get worse. Can we just quickly knit across to the secret superstar? Ah yes please. Our correspondent, it's been in the National Week for the last three weeks it seems now,

and he wants to talk about what happens back at the club's during the National Week. Nice, can't wait. Before I appear for England myself I used to really enjoy it in the National Bricks because all the top top players would go off and do the national stuff and the rest of us. Well, training wasn't the same as usual because there was only both 4 or 5 of us, so we got to take in board games and then one deer would have a sports deer, so there was a much more relaxed atmosphere around the ground and it used to be really

cool. One of the things I didn't like quite so much was you had to go around the houses of the players that were wearing it in the National Jute and you have to close the curtains on a night and then open the curtains for them on a morning. You know and sometimes you'd leave the rear deal on for them so no burglars would think they were aware. Even though they were aware, even though they were aware on international duty and it was like in the papers and that also as well

they would leave you a list of the programs that want to tape and while they were aware because some of them couldn't program the video up recorders properly so you have to do that as well and that was quite tedious. I remember one time one of the top top players at my club, he wanted us to tip the snooker for him, but there was like 15 hours of it on. So I had to go out and buy a pack of four video tips and then he never give us the money back.

So I, uh, I poured some acid in these shows. Interesting. Hmm. Interesting, Andy. Did you? Interesting, Andy. I do want to finish with me Christmas.

Oh, I thought you were going to do that. So it's a Scottish song. And here we go. It was Christmas Eve on the island and young Kalim McBride was full of wonder and hope for the following day would be the biggest day of his young life. His parents, on the other hand,

were in a spirit of trepidation and fear. For you see, the lard had chosen their boy to be the centerpiece of his entertainment at his Christmas feast. And for that reason alone, they had decided to affect their sons' escape to the mainland, that very eve. If they failed, then their precious son would be fetched

at dawn by the layered sentiment, and taken to await his fate in the castle. Young columns' mind was racing. He had often dreamed of life on the mainland, the wonder of the Timpsons heel bar where that's revolving machine and its intricate leather working tools. Not to mention it's sweet smelling powerful glues that could work them magic on even the most absorbent of materials. He saw himself wearing a tight blue suit, two sizes too small for him, as was the fashion on the mainland, and striding into Costa coffee to demand their latest guest

bean cappuccino, the waitress would be fullsome of tet, and would seat him at a table where he could admire her curvature at leisure. Many times he had imagined himself dining at the latest pop-up restaurant, a fusion of Turkish and Rastafarian peasant food served on plasterboard with drill bits as cutlery. Occasionally he dared to imagine himself out on a date at Frankie and Beniz with the wetress from the coffee shop. At the bus stop following that burger meal, she would turn to him and say, would you agree, young laddie, that I have plenty to spare? I, he would reply, there is many a helping there with leftovers for the purer of the parish. She would laugh and allow him a brief tap on the side of her bounty.

Fast forward to midnight, Kalam and his parents cower on the beach as a small craft with a single lamp approaches. Get in one, we must make great haste, says the man in the boat, and he does get in and his parents weep as they say goodbye knowing that the lard would gullotine them for this offense. Three hours later, Calum stepped off the boat onto the shore. "'See that light there,' said the boatman. "'That's my daughter. Go to her and she will provide you safe harbor. Go on away, go.' Calum approached the light and could not believe what he saw, Nithet's glow. It was the girl from the coffee shop, exactly as he had imagined her.

He smiled an anxious smile as she put down her lamp and began to unbutton her blouse. When fully undone, Calum was first with a sight that killed him instantly. For her tits were not of the expected nature. They had embedded into the defences of Ande Grey and Richard Keys. The Faces of Grey and Keys. The Faces of Grey and Keys. Back on the shorelineline the boatman pulled back his hood and let out a cracker of a laugh. It was the laird. Merry Christmas, Gallum. He whispered, and both he and the waitress disappeared in a puff of black smoke.

The next day a gallum's parents received the news that their son had passed away on an island beach. For you see, he had never left and now he never would. Do you think the story was a bit like the opening scene in 7 Private Rhyme, Andy? Terrific! Yeah, you did! Terrific! Thank you.