Athletico Mince - The Alderman Collection Vol. 2

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

A round-up of Bob’s various encounters with the Alderman and his gang from episode 32 to 51. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I have seen the alderman for a good while now, right? It's been a few weeks, hasn't it? It's been a good few weeks. Obviously, his face and his body shape and that enters me mind every now and then. Obviously. face and his body shape and that enters me mind every now and then. Yeah, obviously. That night. And I occasionally go to the website of the tea side evening Gazette to see if there's any new pictures of him doing his charity work or compere in that. I can't be half of Dorsie kids.

Yeah. So I'm at home with the wife last Tuesday. We're having one of our afternoon crime clubs watching the door. Yeah. I know. We shot the shutters and that. Are you semi-retired now? Yeah, right. And the afternoon crime club.

Afternoon crime club. Watching a documentary about a bloke who murdered his victim with door handles. But you would watch that, wouldn't you? Yeah. So as we saw that on the blurb, you know, can you imagine saying, documentary about a bloke who murdered his victims

with door handles? Yeah. I can't imagine him saying, no, no, I don't want to see that. Yeah. Well, you've got to watch that Well, you're watching it anyway. I don't know why I laughed Suddenly there's a very very robust. I see if I've got I can recreate a very robust knock on the door Not you think police bear bear left, what? You know, that, it was that stuff. I think bear left. You know, it had that sort of authority.

And it really gives us a bit of a shot me cat or something, I mean, me cats spewed up on me, Jacka Mo'katalog. It sounds like, you know, we really, it was, so I answered the door and, oh, you know, it's the old man. He's got his charity mini bus parked on my drive and by and he looks smart. Did he? Honestly, well, I don't know what it's like, well brown jacket. Yeah. Like milk chocolate colour, silvery glace, grey slacks though,

like they're gently flared at the bottom. I mean I think I'll airline, airline flared but still really tight round is thousand is ours, you know really nice, you know nice content and red shoes. It's the look of a man from T side who's trying to impress us, isn't it? Yeah, trying to improve for suppose you might say so my heart obviously misses a beat. Yeah. Swallow a bit and whatever. You know why, isn't it? Hello Robert.

Long time no see. Long time no kiss I'm thinking. You know what I mean? I didn't say that. Well, well are you not going to invite me in? I saw, yeah, you have of course told me lovely to see you. We're just watching the program about Jake. Let's see you know, the door handle killer. Oh, the door handle killer. It's

a very nice choice. So we get into the front room. Wife's turned off the tele because she had been barrassed about having it undone a day, you know what I mean. Do the introductions and the wife says, can I get your own thing to eat old man? And he says yes Margaret. Thank you I've got a long journey back to Stockton could I have a ham sandwich and a piece of fruit, please? Of course, there's the wife and then he says hold on What fruit have you got and she says oh? I've got banana pear apple orange and he says do you have apricot, Margaret? She says he know I don't and I said I could go and get a pack from

waitros and he says well no you stay here Robert I need a chat about dapkid stuff and I really do need an apricot so Margaret and my wife says, oh that's fine, I'll go and get them and off she goes. Sooner she's gone. He says, listen Robert, I have a long journey ahead. So I said, could I have a quick shower? I said, oh yeah, of course you can, I understand. Yeah, so I showed him where it was, let him get on with it. A couple of minutes later from upstairs I hear, Robert? Robert, can you come and help me please quick Robert. So I go up and I knock on the bathroom door. Come in Robert. So in I go and he stood there naked in front of the window that like over looks the drive. Now he's about 17 stone

the older man yeah. But his skin's still really taut in you know what I mean? It's really taut. It's a little bit red in a few patches because my, my wife always has a shower thick and too hot. Right. So that's not his fault. You know, like, now, cause he's in front of the, it's, it's cause it's late afternoon, he's in front of the, the, the window, like his shoulder hair is really like fluffed up and It's like silhouetted in the light coming from the window. It's that lovely patch of like a camomile lawn or something that you just want to burry your head in

Yeah, do you know what I mean? I'm tender. I need a towel Robert, but the one you provided fell out of the window So our brush past like his body and I look out of the window and sure enough there's me towel yeah but guess who's holding it guess who's holding the towel. Is it the town clerk? The Gintown clerk yeah and he's there with all his crawlies you know what I mean. More banded. Yeah the vigorous things of bleach and parks and recreations and freaking biffy there biffy cloud drawing on his first as well Trusted so they all start chanting Kiss the old man kiss the old man kiss the old man. I think yeah, I really want to I do want to

Whatever I like you know across well, that saw I turned to him and he's already in position. He's staring at me with his mouth like wide open. Why is it getting it? You know. So I got my mouth as wide as I can. What's one of them? Yeah, I slowly, slowly move towards him. And just as our lips are about to sort of couple, right?

Clamp into it. Yeah, he stops me though on my shoulders and his tongue starts darting round the mouth like a little juvenile snake. And then he gently puts my hand against the side of his thigh and then he clumps his lips onto mine. Both our lips are quite wet so their lips are like slipping round each other sort of searching for a grip. Then he pulls back, but it's over and it's over. Thank you Robert, that will be all. Biffy I think it was through the towel, up comes through the window and I, like, heartbeat really quickly. Yeah. Go back to the lounge, I think. Wow, just a little. quickly, go back to the lounge, I think. Wow, just a little bit.

That was superb. Anyway, he left straight away before the wife got back. So, well, I'm walking to say there you go, I got a kiss. Did he not get the upper cut? No, I got a kiss and I got to have the upper cuts with the crime club, which was a bonus because the wife won, yeah.

Win, win, win, win for you, wasn't it? Yes, you won't use the other upper cuts in the house so, upper cuts was yeah. Win, win, win, win, win for you, wasn't it? Yes you weren't, you always have applicants and you also have applicants in crime so. Yeah, do you suspect anything? I tell you I really felt like electric though. Yeah. But I hope I did it justice. I hope so.

I'm sure you did. I'm not sure where it goes from here but it can only get worse. Ha ha ha. I had a whole day of fill up in the North East, took some falls and that and everything. But I had arranged with the town clerk to pop down the Stockton and do a charity Christmas dinner to raise money to buy a trampoline actually Andy, to buy a trampoline and actually Andy for the daft and dreary kids charity. Oh bless him.

Yeah. Now it was quite a pos or tell just outside Stockton. I was at Top Terrible with Olderman town clerk, Vicka with the breath stinks of bleach you know. Head of town planning, head of social services and biffy clarers there as well. So it's a good dough quality dough you know what I mean. Yeah. Now, Andrew Rue, the old man looks amazing, I ain't kidding. Instead of his usual blurs and slacks, right? He had a sort of country and western look going, yeah?

He had like sky blue pepper jeans with that little kick flare. He wore them quite short on the leg though to reveal his cherry red cowboy boots underneath. Yeah. And they were really figure-rugging round his ass. Honestly, I doubt you could have slipped a credit card in there. Never mad your hand, you know what I mean.

Yeah. On top, he was wearing tight cream round net cash me a jumper and a golden green silk necker chief. Can't see in it. Nice. But a lovely touch was he had a bright gold time x watch worn over the sleeve of his jumper. That's a good move in it though. It's very striking. Anyway, so at the end of the meal there was a bit of a show. Some of the deaf kids did some

tumbles and forward rolls, you know. Got that all the way. Biffy Clara got up and he pented, like well, drew a nativity scene on the first with his pen, you know what I mean? The vicar with the bleach breath did some close-up magic which was fucking torture. Can I just stop you going back to Biffy Clara? Does he do this with the help of a mirror? Can he just do it freestyle? It's not very good but it's freestyle, yeah, instinctive. Sorry, Carrione. Anyway, piece though, was a gospel choir and I'll like them and they came on and they called the Daff Kids Singers, right, when they're performing in their charity. They're not Daff Kids at all, but the proper Pucker, gospel singers and they did some pop

tunes. Do you know a slave to the rhythm? Slave to the rhythm. Chris Jones. Chris Jones, yeah. What's the next bit? Slave to the rhythm? Slave to the rhythm. Oh no, it's a different word. You're Slave to the rhythm. To the rhythm.

Dance. It's not slave again. Anyway, they did it. Did that beautifully. And then they ended up with gospel, though. It was panic on the streets of London. Yum. Birmingham. I won the two. Yeah, blah, blah, blah.

Then I sensed sort of six cents, something above me head. Something's happening above me head. And I look up and I say a big massive clump of mistletoe being lowered from the ceiling. he's up there by one of the most chimp like of the deaf kids he's really had you know a climber a climber yeah clambera as it comes down suddenly everybody's joining and the stand up for the chorus but they've changed it to kiss the older man, kiss the older man, kiss it, I was set on for the kiss it, kiss the older man, and get in blah blah blah, so I'm just singing this at you.

Oh, this way in like gospel, kiss the older man. What can you do? You caught up in the emotion of the moment, don't you fucking right? So I do, I do kiss him and it lasts right through the next verse and chorus, right? It's saliva still to be honest with your testers, it's stuffing with a little bit of sherry. No wrong with that. Best Christmas present I could ever wish for and a even better than a tip maintenance kid. And I've got to ask, I'll know you don't, never go along with it. Did you think that story was a bit like the film Oliver where I'm out last? No. No, I've heard enough.

I'll do an oldman, I'll announce as I do it, this is the last ever oldman. No. Not doing him anymore. It's too private. I'm laughing at doing him. So I went up to Stockton, see the oldman, just after Chris receives, I'm in a garden party, is ours, right? I've got nice, I've said, what do you think? For the dosy kids and the parents, you know.

Big garden. It's a lovely garden, yes. It's a clued areas. It's detached. But you can , at the back, you can see a few houses, a few otherwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r fwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a'r ffwyr a a'r ffwyr a a'r ff skit that had a pain or something like oh weird sorry if I could have enjoyed it. The town clarked at a daft dance and gave a kick in display you know like how to kick. Yeah. Display. Anyway after all the halfway through this fast the old man came up to me and he said Robert I've got something to show you Robert come with me Robert. I thought are you up Mark at lucky around there. Yeah you know what I mean? So he takes me outside, points to a great big polythene tunnel, you know like polythene tunnels for... A poly tunnel, yeah but it's a big man size. Massive tunnel. And he's put up in his garden, he says,

what do you think Robert? I said I'm, but it's very nice, I'm an I mean I'm no expert but it looks like a good one solid and it's really tonnall it, you know, a bit like ET or something like that. Just went there Robert, went to love back a new Robert. Oh, so he dissipated. For a call. Yeah, I was fine, yeah I'll wait.

So I hang around for about five minutes, a couple of kids wonder that at one point I told them to fuck off. So you know what I mean, he sassed me out there, me and the old man. Yeah, fuck off. John, maybe he's asked me out there, me and the old master. Yeah, fuck off, yeah. And then I know, yeah, Robert, come inside now, Robert. I get inside and I look through, there's a first area and then it's got one of those curtains that you might have on silent, witness or something.

Yeah, like the strips of, they've been counselling us. For ends at curtains, but they're all brightly covered. Yeah, now they're thicker. Let's call them forensic curtains, thank you. I've got an album by them. For forensic curtains, yeah. And there's, I look through it and there's rope on rope these plants with quite a long

fruit growing, red fruit, long, you know, long like a cute cosy out of cucumber, something like that. For the listeners, Bob's holding these hands apart a long distance. And he says, these are my little secret Robert. Robert, they are genetically engineered cross between a cucumber and a tomato robot. I call them cumbatores. Robert, I sneak the seeds back from Estonia, Robert, when I was at the Apricot Festival a few years back, Robert. Then I notice he's wearing, you know those paper boilers suits, like you get if you're in custody, the police and that, and he ends one to me, he says, here Robert, put this on Robert, the humidity in here is is terrifying I don't want you to pass

out Robert well it was fucking out so I stripped down to me on these held out me and for the boiler so he said no Robert remove your briefs I don't want my combators contaminated with Todd dust so I took them off really slow you know to make sure they didn't close like a flurry of dust. And I put the suit on. Well, it was hot in there. And you could feel the suit like clinging to your skin. And the alderman tells me to pluck a combator, give it a try. This cross between a cucumber and tomato. So just as I'm picking it, I see these faces pressed up against the outside of the tunnel. They look a bit scary, a bit distorted, because of all the condensation, but I can make out the town clerk, and I can make out

biffy, because some ink is dripping off his face in the condensation, and then it starts up a bit muffled at first, kiss the older man, kiss the older man, kiss the older man, or just the older man to a crescendo, I think, well, I'm one of you, Manana. Exactly. You know what I mean? It wouldn't. So I turn towards him and I say that his suit, his purpose suit is really drenched,

it's more or less transparent, you know what I mean? Yeah. You can see all like the swirls of hair on his potbelly, yeah, and all the hair on his shoulders is all swirled and sticking to his head. Yeah, and there's a little ripper formed in his chest, and through that you can see the scar where he had his lungs seen, so no, I mean. And he's covering his modesty, because it's all see through with one of the combatores, you know, which is nice of him, Carl car I'm being involved with that so he grabs me around me

West and he rips my soars he does so and he starts looking at me cheek you know like like spiral motion yeah that's Nick he started to literally encircles nice oh it was really rummages it was really captive it and then bang he clamps on to me mouth like a Welk. And I am transported to Leeds. Do you know what I mean? I have some of that Leeds. Somewhere incredibly romantic, anywhere.

Somewhere like Leeds? Yeah, no, I have to. Some of that really romantic place. Then too quickly it's over and I am hossled out with a tunnel. And as I am getting dressed, Andy, I noticed that the old man is crying. Oh yeah. So that's hot, isn't it? Yeah. I mean I'm not bothered by his crying. I know why he was crying. No, but it struck me as unusual. It is a bit. Yeah. So I'm afraid that's where we'll have to leave the old man crying in this polytonal. It's kind of how I thought it would end up really in the very beginning.

Did you think Andy that that story was a bit like the filmy tea, you know, with the tonal and the pair of pursuits? Valley believable. I was stern at all telling the Aestokton. I was up there opening a little, I think it was a play out for the Daff kids, you know, with the Afbeck flaky parents, you know, like get it together. I had nothing to do to leave, so I was in quite a nice hotel, I went down to the other basement pool. So that's nice, isn't it? And the mother and the basement pool. Did you go in the pool? Yes, I went to the pool. There was no one in there, well I went down there. Just that lovely smell and it was quiet.

Then I saw in the shallow end, stood up with Biffy Clire, and he was drawing on his first. He was drawing waves, so I thought, that's nice, he's got a nice thing. You shouldn't be able to take a penance, shall I? Oh, I'm not going to say it's a fire of the way if he clashes rocks. So I did a few wits, doing me paddle, because I'm a bad shoulder that you haven't asked about. I'll ask about a narrow and earlier one. How's your shoulder, Bob? My shoulder is not great, I wish I had never had it.

I'm sorry to hear that. If I've got any tablets, I'll give you some tablets. What general tablets? You know when I was a kid, you used to go to the doctor's. Do you remember that? If you've got the doctor, you used to give you some tablets. Yeah, what general tablets? Yeah. You know when I was a kid, you used to go at the doctors. Do you remember that? If you've got the doctor, you used to give you a link to us. No, here we are. There's some tablets.

They've got a bit of cotton wool in the top. Yeah. Those are the important tablets. Did you get one of the internet? Yeah. Are they to help you get a rise on? They're blue. Haven't you got any of your stuff?

10 of them. Haven't you got any tablets that would dissolve your tit fat. I'm just trying to help you. I think you can get such a thing. I'm trying to cue you. I think you get the shits if you have them, but because the fat off. I've got ten of them. Anyway, Biffy Clarke, I did a couple of lands.

I'm going to put it in the beginning about your shoulder, make it sound like I give a fuck. Alright, if you would. Right, carry on with the story. Put in a better light, don't it? I know you couldn't get in the forest. Do the story. Anyway, I'm halfway across one of my, don't it? I know you couldn't get them for. Do the story. Anyway, I'm out of where across one of my wits and I feel like a little tug on me trunks. Then another little tug.

And then I grabbed me trunks to keep them up because that means I've put both arms down. I start to sink a bit. And as soon as I let go, there's another little tug and before you know it, me trunks are off. So I quickly swim to the deep ends. You know, just do like get me act together, can't I think? And then, but I look at, I'm not supposed completely empty, no one there, nobody there.

Hello, I already am, do this is a little bit like that movie cocoon in it. Yeah. Not do you know what I mean? We wonder where it's going? Well, I think, like, I've got nothing on, I better get out of here quickly before a lady comes in, you know what I mean?

So I sprint into the changing rooms that, thank God they're empty, I open me locker, right? And shit, the clothes have gone. So that's not very nice, is it Andy? No. Then I hear a very familiar voice. You lost something, Robert. You're looking a bit of a pickle, Robert. Don't you, Robert? It's an old woman stood there with a tower round his middle.

He's just come out of the shower. It's interesting, Andy, because his shoulder hair is all stood up on end, and in the back, surrounded by the steam in the background from the shower, on his massive back. And you know what I thought? It looked to me a bit like the aftermath of a Greek forest fire. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Well, I cover up, or first I should say I cover up my privates with my thumb, yeah. I said yes and jokers next to me trunks in the pool and my claws have been knick from me locker. Oh dear Robert, you are in a bind Robert. Then I see he's got an apricot in his hand, yeah. He says here, take this apricot Robert to help you cover up. I can still see the edge of your foreskin, Robert. So he throws it and I catch it and I use the apricot in conjunction with me thumb, you

know, I make it in the area over the area. Suddenly the aircon gets turned on, I have a can little chiver a bit, you know, it gets cold. Oh dear Robert, you're chivering like a little baby seagull Robert. That slipped down the roof tiles into a frozen downpipe Robert. You take my towel Robert. He throws me his towel and he just stands there nude. Right. And he's got a huge circular bush.

Jesus. No massive. That's a bigger than the opening of a bucket, big circle of pubes, yeah. And you know, it looks like he sat on the shoulders of that little block from diversity. Ah! I didn't know where, look, anyway,

then I see the town clerk. The town clerk, the vicar and Biffy come around from behind the lockers. Town clerk's got me closed. They start to chant, kiss the old man, kiss the old man, kiss the old man. Well, I have never kissed him, Naked. It's the first time for everything to come. Yeah, so I don't mind telling you. I didn't hesitate at all to be honest.

You like trying to do things, don't you? So I didn't want to look like a slag, but I'll write up for it. So it just sucked like my lips onto is. And then you seem to sort of count each of my teeth individually with this tongue. Right. And I couldn't help it.

I grabbed all of his bush. And I twisted and full of it. It came out and we fessed. And then we just slipped apart. There's my mouth filled with his spittles. And we sort of slipped apart and it was over. Clark gave me my clothes back and I have to say Andy I'll tell you the truth, I kept that handful of hair from the Old Amin's bush, I wore it into a little broomstick and I've hung it from the rear mirror in the car. Oh well, I've been through the memory. What brings you look while you're driving?

Thank you, Andy. Hey, been a while, Andrew, since I told you about the old man. It's been a long time, so. I should do his dead. Would you like to hear us sometimes? I'd love to. Well, last band collider was the annual camping trip for the Draft Lads.

You know the ones who can't do well, but funny about that, right? They're generally funny about around the back of the shops, the ones up north in Stockton. Yeah, on the other gala. Yeah, now they tend to be around the back of the shops on the other galaages, you know the raw garages. Yeah, they're funny about on the roof's, can't you?

Love funny about on the roof. So anyway, it runs an outdoor pursuit center. It's just outside Hexham and they go there every now and then. So I went up to help out. So I'm in the mini bus with the old man on the way to Hexham to pick up some blue drinks, chicken dippers and Oreo biscuits for the Daff kids, you know. And the old man says, so Robert, I was sure this treating you Robert. I said, alright Bill, I'm doing a new show with Paul Whitehouse, where I play a wanker. And he says, that's perfect casting Robert, only joking Robert. That Paul Whitehouse Robert, I bet he's got a nice tight ass.

Would you say so Robert? I said, I don't really know Bill, he keeps himself fit Paul, so yeah probably. You've never looked at Paul White, how's his ass? Well, I'm just, I have, and I think it's probably pretty tight actually. To be honest, and I told the old man that, he says, generally speaking, Robert, does he prefer a slack on a gene, Robert? I said, oh, I've thought back. I think he likes a chain, or actually, Bill Slim fit, quite sure on the leg I've always noticed, and he pulls him really quite high up into his crotch. Quite a betrayal of his work in classrooms, that isn't it? That's what he does. That's not judgeable. I mean, Chino is unexpensive

now, and they are comfortable for the older guy. Well, at this point, I'm going to as mentioned, they've been pulled into the crotch. The older man suddenly pulls into a layer by almost slamming the brakes on, you know. Get out Robert, get out of the car Robert, do it now Robert. So I get out and obviously he joins me, he says show me Robert, show me how we wears them Robert, stand by that little bin and show me Robert. So I pull my jeans up, tighten to me crotch and stand there by the little bin with me asked first in the older man. He says,

I should jacket up Robert, put one hand on the rim of the bin and turn your head around to first me Robert. So I do as I told like and he takes out his phone. He says, right, turn your head round Robert and look over your shoulder Robert. So that's what I do. He says, now says, so chusa, does my bum look big in this? And today I shall mostly be heisting machinos or pie, Robert. So that's what I do. We take the snaps and we get back in the van. And it,

old one, it's another fucking word, Andy. So it's a bit unusual, isn't it? Yeah. So we're at the outdoor. Well, that's not it. No, no, no, no. So we're at this place in the Hexham, there's like dormant, like, huts, and there's like

a big swimming pool where you have to do a surf because for canoeing before they allow you want the river. So, but, basically, what you're getting, you're wet so we all getting the wet suits and then you've got to get in the canoe and do that role. Yeah. And sure that you're capable of doing that. First in Biffy Clire, all right. Now he's been drawing all over his wetsuit with a silver marker pen.

And it's just interesting. What is the things he's written? He's written ardent, yeah. Lemon curd, nought mapas, and Placingo Domingo. It sounds like a Tet list.. Well that's a new EP. Yeah, come on out. Did you see them at Glastonbury? No.

Oh shit, they were good man. Anyway, it turns, it gets in turns around like a fricking salmon and we all be honest. Yeah. Well done for a few. Nice one for you. Next up to me, right, but just as I'm going to get into the pool, the town clerk gives me a little tap on me ass just a little tap Oldman grabs his wrist, right Matthew. What do you think you're doing Matthew? How dare you touch Robert on his applicat Matthew?

So he appores us is I get in a struggle a bit, but I managed to to write myself and climb back out and But I managed to ride myself and climb back out. And the vicar is then just about to get in. And the old man stops him. He says, I'll go in next if you don't mind Colin. And gets the old man big fucking splash here. But before he reaches the canoe, he starts sinking a bit. And his arms flailing, he's in trouble.

So just without thinking, not that I'm brave or anything, but I jumped in, grabbed him by his waist, and I dragged him to the side with his hands tightly holding on. He was on just near my ass, that's the end, he was just grabbing. Yeah. Then, fuck, this is awful, Andy, I don't know what I should be saying.

It's then suddenly his grip just releases. That's not awful. Oh yeah, and he's just drowning you know he's like going stiff you know like not alright Andrew. The others get a few more others getting we drag him to the side of the pool. Right and I unzip the front of his suit and his chest is all covered with like lard he sort of render you know for warmth and that And I can't hear a heartbeat as I rest my head on in his chest. So I spit out a few long Ladi hairs that have got caught on me out on me mouth. CPR I shout, he needs CPR.

CPR whispers the old man. I need CPR. I asked Biffy to help, but he's just scribbling on his face. He's fucking doing, he's not a god. Panic board. So I know, how you there? Well, they're all doing whispering again. So I'll put my ear next to his Robert. You do it Robert. I'll pull my wet soap up into your crotch and you say, so she's after every kiss. So I just get on of it. It's just, to be honest with you. Someone's life. It's just risk isn't it?'s just one big bone, a snog after another, goes on for ages and that's that thing.

You know what, there's nothing wrong with him. Why am I doing it, but I didn't stop. You know, a town cloud, a few years by the way. Suddenly, the old man pushed me off and he gets up and he says, Well, you look, that was just a simulation to see you would step up. And just as I thought, it was Robert, brave Robert. As a reward, Robert can share the honeymoon suite with me in the hotel. The rest of you were in your tents.

So did you think that story was a bit like a film? I thought there was a lot more like a play. Like a little play. Do you think it would, if I made it into a short film, it would win cans, films or the, what is it, the, it, it, it, doesn't one of the actors, like the Steve McQueen Festival or something.

Golden. Golden Nuggets. Oh, whatever. Did you think it felt, for you think it felt like a player? I think they would have put it on Channel 4 at about half 11 at night in the evening. Thank you.

Not bad though, is it? They wouldn't put it on now. I'm pretty happy with that Andrew. I'm so happy about that stuff now. Back then. Hey, I've seen the old them in Ynandro. Oh, hi. You want to hear about how's the comfortable segue?

Well, smooth. I mean, in the light of that Zlatan nonsense, I'm a little bit wary of my stories because, you know, it's getting a bit 18 certificate. Is this gonna, Ianus is gonna feature heavily in this one as well. Oh, not that, not that, not that. Although there is a South African coming up. Well, he emailed me and he asked me to go

at Stockton for a charity auction. He's always doing that. Yeah. He was raising money for the Daff kids. It It was mainly he was trying to buy some like a soft maze Like a state. I don't understand you and you're safe to make which so they could wander about in right and certainly practice their spitting Yeah So I think well it must be something that's needed and it was at this posh your telling Eagles cliff And like a big old sort of manner,

I was in a contradiction in terms. No, Eagles clips quite nice, and these? Yeah, and then through the transition and I wouldn't go. Is that where I wouldn't get off for it? Well, you might be missing out there. It's a nice, nice neck of the woods. It's like, and it's an old manhouse.

It's called the Green Mansoe Hall because reputedly it was haunted by a ghost summit. It's about to use the specialist one, is knackers. This ghost is knackers is really sagged like a bout foot nav. But a foot nav and he could swing them round apparently. Like you know like a Chinese weapon. Yeah. Anyway that's just it.

So I get there sundown about 7pm. Older men and menibus is there, parked uptown clocks, jags there, Biffy Clareos, Campavan. So once I'm inside, I get in there, I think I'm going to say everyone and as can't see anyone at all, ring the bell at reception door when comes. So I hear a little noise down the corridor, talking, just off reception, so I walk down there and I come to the door and I could hear like low voices chit-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat-chat- it off and in the silence I could hear like sort of footsteps on the ceiling above me. Right. Well it sounded, footsteps are something being moved. So I went up the rear staircase and

walked along the hall to the room I thought was above the radio room, right? Are you okay if I call that the radio room, Andy? I'm not entirely comfortable with it. I can adapt to it. And I knocked on the door. No reply again, so I was getting politely I slowly, um, walk in and I saw a wardrobe door just closing. And cornering my eye, I think of someone's I'm the laugh for you. Probably bit for you or whatever.

But so I walk over and open the wardrobe door. Nothing in there. I look down though. There's the only thing in there as a scotch egg and next to it, a dish of hot sauce. So that's nice. And they think to say the ball or drop tantalizer. Then the radio goes back on in the radio room. But it's loud at this time. So I run back down the stairs, someone and they definitely because it wasn't there on the way up. Someone has put a slippy magazine. You know magazines can be really slippy. Is that a euphemism for a dirty magazine? No, you know like

just it could be okay. I'll know you know they're very slippy. Oh, not like a bongo mag. No, no, no, that's you. That's coming to your mind. I thought it might have been one of them. So I go ask over knockers straight out in the bottom. Slipy magazine. Yeah, next thing I know, I open my eyes and stare in down at me, leering above me at the top of the clock. He puts his mouth to my anewispers about time you took a fall, Robert.

Ooh. Then I feel this scratching, like scratching on me bare chest. Yeah, bare chest. I look down, it's biffy, viral. And he's drawn the words failure and yurt, right? And he's doing a sketch of a lorry approaching wallsole on my chest, right? I'm just, I'm so nuts, I'm just a... How did that manifest itself? How did you see that the lorry was approaching?

Oh, he's put, he's clever block, biffy. It was, it had the... I'm just a... How did that manifest itself? How did you see that the lorry was approaching? Oh, he's put... He's clever blogged, but it was... It was a map. It had the town sign. Ah, the lorry was approaching it. And the lorry was approaching it. It tells a lovely story, just like that.

Yeah. Can I have a roll... No. What's happening? I think to myself, I think I fell down some stairs. Yes, you did. And sadly, so did your fat friend, says the cop town clerk. I turn my head and I say that in the twin bed next to me is the old man.

Right? Biffy's drawn a helicopter on his chest approaching Peterborough. Fucking hell. Yeah. And he's been stripped down to his underpants as well. The old man sees me. Robert, is that your Robert? I fell down the stairs, Robert. Oldhamon sees me. Robert? Is that you, Robert? I fell down the stairs Robert. I can hardly move Robert." Clark says, looks like I'll have to present the auction

and pause for the 40 graphs. It's such a shame. He don't mean that does he, he's been sarcastic any. He's definitely is. And he picks up our clothes and he leaves the room with Biffy, right? So the old man says, what a bastard that Teddy is Robert. He's a rum-cold Robert, brimming with shit Robert. We've got to stop him Robert. Well I get out of bed but me knee-nilly buckles it's really painful so I can only like hop over to his bed. Yeah. Andrew can I stop at this point? Why didn't it stop? I've just wondered anything you think is going to happen. What do you sense in anything from the story? There's a lot of clues that I think you've leared. But at the minute they don't make a lot of sense. It's a bit like one of them questions on 321.

It sounds like to up to now the story sounds like utter gibberish. Are you focusing? Is your mind something scratchin' with the back of your mind about that hot sauce? No? No? Okay, do your room. I thought you had your room. Okay, well let's find out. Okay, so Oldman says, it's my left hip that hurts Robert. Robert, massage it Robert, use deep aggressive strokes Robert as if tenderizing a haunch of mutton so I start working on this hip long like hard strokes that I saw I go under his belly flap right then round to his hip bone just under just slightly under the worst of his undies come on Robert you need to get lower Robert take me undies off so they are not a factor Robert so I hop round to the end of the bed

and I pull his undies off and throw them out of the window for the cats. Yeah. As I do this, is sack is like unleashed. Yeah. You know what I mean? And his balls drop down to like just his knees, basically. Right.

To his knees, and he can. Other balls big. They're trying to pick the picture here, I mean, imagination. They're obviously, I know there's a lot of hang, but I'd like to know are they engorged a couple of eggs. Who? A couple of eggs.

So standard testicles, but just in a very loose bagage, yeah. Right. You can see I'm surprised. You'll be one you're under. Don't panic because of me long Sakura, but they got caught in a slit on the trampoline when I was off surprised. You know, youiffy has left his markup ends, culling me in so I don't look naked Robert. So it's not a bad idea because of tux tools. So our campaign is flesh with the markup end. He won't allow me a colour in his downstairs

so it would be inappropriate. So he just holds them in his hands in front of him, you know, to keep them safe from his knees. So we make our way down to the radio room where we can hear Biffy and the town clerk laughing and giggling and that, you know. Well the old man bursts in, bollocks in his hand and they scream in horror. The vicar was there as well, he fates, right? And biffy in the town clerk right out of the room with the clerk shouting, it's the green man and it's terrifying knackers. And you know, Andy, it's right, he must have looked like him because I had used green marker pens. Right. And of course, he's reputed to haunt the the put is the green man, the green man.

So they're, that's what, yeah, that's what they've thought. So we laugh and have a cheeky hug, you know, cause they're so chuffed. And when we hug, I can feel his balls actually on my thighs. And you know, I could swear that they're rotating internally. Quite a fast bead. Wow. So we clean up with Belinda wipes, get dressed, the auctions are great success, but next day the local paper is full of pictures of the town cloud, retelling the story of his

encounter with the green man. So you know, he got what he wanted really, the town cloud is the truth of it. He's got his face and all in his face. He's very serious isn't he? Yeah. Did you think that that story was a little bit like the mask, you know, with Jim Carey that film? Not really. It felt a little bit like an episode of Insiden number nine.

All right. A little bit funnier. A little bit. The average one. Well, all right. It was all right I suppose. Thank you.