Athletico Mince - The Beardsley Collection Vol. 5

Episode Date: March 8, 2025

From episodes 103-113, including Carol’s new beau, Peter listening to Talksport, and much more…(Originally released to Club Parsnips members on 31/10/23) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. We call them clicks at your world tonight. It's the little word we use when someone from our team reads over and approves a story. Each one gets carefully checked and clicked more than once to make sure you always get the facts. I'm Susan Bonner. I'm Tom Harrington. And I'm Stephanie Scanderis.

Together we bring you the day's news and help you understand it with a process you can trust. Your world tonight from CBC News. Find and follow us wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. podcast everywhere. AK finally. Been a while Peter Beardsley.

Okay. Alright Bob, all in the spare room having a look inside the plug for the bedside lamp there you know. There's not much to see but the colours are quite striking. There's quite an interesting amount of wear on the flex you know where the two gripping screws come into contact with the actual flex there's a little fuse inside the plug that says 5A on the side so I imagine this lamp might once be known by the bloke who lives down the road you know at 5A so the bloke who lives down the road, you know, at 5A. So lockdown is getting quite difficult.

So I try and let me mind wander back to happier times from the past, you know. I like to remember the day I first wet my pants and how warm and comforting it felt against the extremely dry skin of my cobbler face. I also like to remember the time I tripped and accidentally broke my fall against Sally Mullins fronties. I can still feel them now and the pain from the headbutt that Sally Mullins subsequently delivered. I like to also remember the birth of my son, you know, and the wife declaring, in fact the living fuck he looks down like you if he had an assault him in the fuck-and-pets shop

dog-pets so you're probably wondering how I'm spending my days like well yesterday was quite unusual I woke up about 5 a.m. in the spare room because of the banging and thumping in the loft like you know. I thought I'm not even going to bother checking it out you know because it's the Albanian fella next door acting the daft bugger again you know. I think he wants us to sell up the house so he can buy it and knock through. You know, probably use it as a safe house for his Albanian arms dealer mates. I'm not going to rise to the bit, you know, and her wife's not bothered because she sleeps through the night

like a horse that's eaten twelve Christmas buns. She never sell the house anywhere she wouldn't. She loves it here with me like you know. So I crept downstairs and put the telly on really low. I watched this thing on Netflix like where a bloke has two husbands and he farts about with tigers and lions and that. He had a good haircut man you know. I believe the style is called a bullet. So then about the 8.30 I crawled quietly into the kitchen and started whisking 12 eggs for the wife's early riser omelette. She likes a cream egg on top and I do find the foil covering the egg very fiddly. Both very fiddly, fatty, fiddly to get it off. it is a very thin foil I quite like thin

coverings generally like you know cellophane, varnish you know labels mainly lovely and thinny thin thin like but like me grasp on reality bit like my grasp on reality as a wife would say like you know anyway nine o'clock from tap tap tip of your tap on the wife's bedroom door come in you little morning fucking creeper and you'd better not have your little shorty dressing gown on I don't want your dry bollock skin springling all over me fucking feature laminate floor I've got my tracksuit on love so I'll come in yeah? Well I put the omelette on a special raised eating tray what she bought off the QVCV shopping channel Morning love

Fuck off you dozy half witted clown and stop itching you dusty fucking knackers Well just at that moment she picked up her phone. It's Gregory Potter the jazz-blow singer! You keep your thin, moronic mouth shut! Okay love. Hello Gregory, how lovely to hear from you. Yes, it's fucking smashing to hear your voice rather than just reading your numerous fucking texts. Yes, of course I would like to meet up. That would be very fucking pleasant indeed.

Yes, I'm definitely going to leave the itchy bald dial. Yes, I'm very happy to sell up the house and all the contents. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha me like I'm a like a losing bed and sleep like what was all that about love are you selling the house and moving in with a Greg report then? I am certainly thinking very fucking seamlessly about that option but do you think I haven't got other options on the boil as well? Well that makes me very sad I love you very much but I suppose I have to accept I don't really match up to Gregory Porter. He's the one who wears that facelink isn't he?

Aye that's him and he's got lovely oiling bollocks and all. So when do you want me to leave love? It depends on when Gregory wants us to do it you know. Very soon I would imagine like I've been sending him photos of me front knees and he's hot as fuck and trot. Here I'll read dial and you can speak to him for a date. So she passes me the phone like and it answers. This is QVC service line. We are currently experiencing very heavy traffic and are placing you in a queue. I don't understand love. It's QVCV. Customer service line. Ha fucking ha. I got you a beauty there you gullible little midnight sick bag.

Serves you right for leaving bollock flakes all over the fucking house. Now get out of my sight while I tuck into this early riser. Oh thank god for that. Thank god you're not leaving for Gregory Potter. I do love you very much. So that was a funny incident, well wasn't it? Showing her the right card when she wants to be. So I'm just going to finish off a few jokes from the old joke book like...

So I just got a new job as a street cleaner. Not much training required, you just pick things up as you go along bloke applied for a job at the circus like what can you do asked the owner I can do really good bird impressions oh we've got someone who does that already said the owner. Oh well said the bloke and he got up and flew out of the tent. I went to me bookshop you know and asked for a book on turtles. Hardback the assistant asked. yes I replied with very little heads so that's me jokes Bob I best get off now one Peter B and Z you're only one Peter B and Z. see you Bob. Well so that was nice to catch up with

wasn't it Andy? Been a while hasn't it? Yeah been a while yeah. Quite a surprise about Gregory Porter. Yeah it's a turn up wasn't it? Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. We call them clicks at your world tonight. It's the little word we use when someone from our team reads over and approves a story. Each one gets carefully checked and clicked more than once to make sure you always get the facts. I'm Susan Bonner.

I'm Tom Harrington. And I'm Stephanie Scanderis. Together, we bring you the day's news and help you understand it with a process you can trust. Your World Tonight from CBC News. Find and follow us wherever you get your podcasts. monetize their podcasts everywhere. AKS.com so I've had a nice update sent to me by Peter Beads Lee Andrew. Oh have you know telling us how he's getting on. Would you like to hear it? Yes please.

Yes please. Alright Bob, long time no speak, I hope you're all nice and cosy and safe and that. Anyway, so the wife has confined the house on account of her infected legs and a general you know like vulnerability to the bacteria that lives in their skin folds you know so it's pretty much up to me to keep things ticking all alike. When you know when you can only leave the house to buy food and medicine I became a very adept at car interior, steering and supermarket steering you know. In my car my favorite stairs are the end of the used sugar sachet that is poking out of the side of the passenger glove compartment. It's a good stair that. The fly, The fly with its splattered ass on my windscreen that I estimate to be frustrating two millimeters outside the cleaning arc of the windscreen wiper. And finally the almost perfect triangle of dust that has accumulated to the side of the handbrake shaft.

In the supermarket my favourite stairs are the rotisserie chickens turning around and around and around and around and around you know like little soldiers on maneuvers inside a Humboldt dryers or something, you know. And also the stained ceiling tile to the rear left of the store just above the long life drinks. So, anyway, the other day I was having a fart in the pantry, you know, when there was a knock on the door. Peter, answer the fucking door you clone prince of shit! Yeah, well done love, I was just having a quick fart in the pantry to flavour the cakes. So I opened up the front door and there was a middle-aged woman dressed in a sage

green puffer puffer coat, wearing a face mask and holding a clipboard. Oh hello there, how can I help you? I like your puffer puffer jacket, it's very blatant indeed. Ah thanks thanks pet. My name's Maureen Upton. I'm from Local Age Concern, you know. I just wondered if I could come in and quickly check if all your needs have been met. Who the fuck is it, Peter? Just tell him to fuck off home and hire a skip to put all the fucking misery in.

It's a lady from Age Concern edge concern love come to check we have everything we need is she offering any fucking freebies oh my wife was just wondering if you have any freebies for us yeah well yeah maybe if we establish you know that... Tell her to come through you fucking half-wit darling. Please do come through Maureen. So we all went in the wife's TV room like Maureen sat on the spare chair and I joined me lovely wife on the sofa. So how are you managing for food?

What are your arrangements? Well we're doing fine. I just pop in the car like, you know, and... Oh, it's a terrible morning! We are virtually starving to death here. The biggest problem, of course, is getting all the eggs we need. Peter can't fetch me them because he's on a driving ban. I need a dozen and a half a day.

Without them, I grow very fucking weak. Oh that's terrible. Do you not have any family that can bring you your shopping? No. Our only son is in Iraq having a fight and the rest of our relations are in Avignon in Fork and Fence. Well, we can offer a weekly basic shopping delivery. Love, is it Port Marwins puffer puffer Jack? Lovely. Yes, it's a nice Fork and puffer.

I've actually ordered a similar more expensive one in a nicer colour but yes it's very folk and adequate. How many eggs are there in a delivery? A dozen per week, plus tea, bags, milk, bread, vegetables, tinned meat and fish. Oh tinned fish, the very act of thinking about it gives me the vapours. Tell me Maureen, could I substitute the veg and tin goods for a few more forklift eggs? No I don't think so, the deliveries are pre-packed. There's an alternate to the British classics box mind, comes with chicken pieces and a tortilla bread. Uh oh, wow, it's the chicken, nice and lumpy and lumpy lumpy lump. I can make a chicken wrap you know because I love chicken wraps me. Yeah I think it's pretty lumpy not as lumpy as a cement

mixer full of bricks I but therefore on the lumpy side of bumpy. Oh look, can we have that one? Come on, I promise I'll do you a sixth egg benedictus if we do. I'll think about it. Doesn't Maureen have lovely legs darling? I expect it's all the walking she does, you know, caring for people like. Yes, they remind me of mine before the abscess is all joined up. Although I would say mine were longer and a lot more f**king shapely. I'm entitled to money you know hard f**king cash to buy the eggs with. No I'm afraid not and anyway pet I thought you said you couldn't get to the shops. Peter could walk the three miles to the

supermarket in a f**king emergency you know if I'm getting even an egg tatters well I will need to have a look in your kitchen to check what level of food you have in the house oh yeah that's fine hey if you follow me Maureen well that puffer jacket has a lovely sheen on its surface it really shows off the puffer ridges you're in a very favorable manner ah here is the pantry please do step inside well as soon as we get inside the pantry Maureen starts to look quirky and I realize she is overcome like you know with me cake marinating

fast like so she falls into my arms just as the wife arrives at the door. You dirty little midnight fucking creeper. I know you had your eyes on her. Get out of my fucking house. Go on the two of you fuck off. But love is not what you think like Maureen got mind bends you know with the cake gas there you know. Don't fucking cake mindbends with the cake gas there.

Don't fucking cake gas me you touchy fiddler, get out! So I had to drag Maureen out the house and her wife let me out for an idiot day. She only started speaking to me like a week later when she got desperate for some eggs benedictus. when she got desperate for some eggs benedictrously you know I heard from my neighbour that Maureen is still off work with lung tears so that's all really Bob you know I will leave it all, a couple of jokes but my old jokes but you know my old jokes here you go then

my wife, the wife tripped up on the Hoover cord and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes on the floor. I just sat back and watched it all unfold. I went to the doctor's the other day because I had a lettuce stuck up my bum. All he did was put the dressing on it. My wife the other day she asked me if I was listening to her. I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation. One Peter Beardsley, there's only one Peter Beardsley. I'll see you Bob. Oh it's nice of Peter to bring us up to date there isn't it? Yeah that was lovely that. I tell you what Andrew, I've had a communication from Peter Beardsley

Wow. Are you interested? Of course I'm interested I'm always interested. Let's see what he's been up to. Alright. Alright Bob. Just thought I'd give you a little catch up you know. A little catchy catch up. So I sat outside the house at the moment in my car light you know. I just opened up a little packet of three ply tissues and I've separated the ply on five of the tissues to give me 15 very very thin tissues. It reminds me very much of cell separation in the human body especially in that period after the egg has been fertilized. So it's raining a bit you know more like spitty spitty spitty you know but quite a bit of condensation build up occurring mainly because I've been humming the theme tune to Emmerdale Farm for the last couple of hours you know

oh and I also had a lovely warm chicken wrap I love the chicken wrap. I love the chicken wrap me. Especially inside a vehicle you know because the vapours from the lovely lovely lumpy chicken get trapped all around you and leave a nice chickeny wiggily flavour on your puff puffer, you know why not. Well it has to be said and I'm definitely the one to say it that I've just found out through my connections the most incredible game-changing mind-blowing information that is going to change everything we've ever held dear and literally turn our culture upside down on its head. Listen up and listen hard. The groundsman at the Emirates has added an extra 5% calcium carbonate to his line painting machine for this week's up-and-coming Europa League tie. What is happening to the game that we all love?

Simon Jordan, can you even get your head around this? No, you should tank them out then. It's tank them out and by its essence more or less approaching a complete paradigm shift in the invisible prison through which we view and appreciate what is the endeavour or pursuit of the game we stupidly and erroneously consider to have some remaining soups on of integrity. Aye, that it is Simon, that it is. I can't emphasise what an extraordinary, and some might say unprecedented, development this. I mean calcium carbonate. I ask you, what next for our beautiful game?

I can actually feel the valve at the base of my bladder pulsating and allowing small amounts of urea to drip through into my urethra quite incredible back after these messages ding-dong merrily on high the internet is singing Christmas is miles away but you don't need to travel miles if you want a new car ding-dong merrily on high we part exchange and deliver carol singers are a pain in the butt, but when we deliver your used car in our van it will be like Santa has arrived early. Ding dong merrily on high, all cars are checked for defects. If the car turns out to be a lump of

tod you can hire a van and send it back to our head office in the fair a while. Ding dong merrily on high, peace of mind with a 12 day warranty. Our cars are guaranteed to be a similar spec and colour to the car you ordered. Have a used car party when you buy from O'Flahty. Ding dong merrily on high, have a flahty yous ca pahty. I mean Simon, what does this mean for the humble supporter like you and me? It's a disaster Jiment, insofar and to the extent that it affects or has influence upon the internal measurements or distances. I'll turn that off Bob, it's a little bit busy, it's shouty for me, like, you know.

I must admit that you scare company sounds decent. Oh shit, here comes the white fat, better wind the window down. All right, love, is everything okay? No, it's fucking not, you dreary fucking clown. What you doing sat out here in the car like a fucking spying midnight creeper? Er, alright. I was just having a little stare-about, you know, and separating some tissues. You're having a tummy-tank you little pervert!

Er, no, no, no, I was just... I don't know, you could bet to touch that little maggot-pup. I hate how it rests on top of your one good bollock like a spuggies tongue. Anyway, so where my fork and mid-morning porches you lazy fork and dial? I was actually just formulating a new method of porching, you know. Give them more of a mid-morning feel oh hello mrs jacqui mcmahonous how's it going hello peter hello carol what you doing sat in the car peter i was just separating some tissues to see peter was just working on a new method of porching eggs jacqui he finds

his things best in the car and i assure you he was not having a fucking wank. Did you hear about the break in at Mr Kevin Peacock's house? Terrible business. They even stole his Alsatia Doodle puppy. What's an Alsatia Doodle? You know, a cross between an Alsatian and a poodle. Some people call them a poo-sation. Ah right, burglary how

terrible. Is this her? No it is. Ah right burglary how terrible it makes you scared to even sleep at night. Some people really are fork and scumbags. Now if you don't mind Mrs Jackie McManus I really must get out of this rain and Peter this new method of porching had better ensure they cook up very very fork and runny Yeah well done love. See you in a minute. See you Mrs Jacky McManus. Alright well Bob I'd better get back inside but before I do I'll tell you a couple of jokes from me old joke book like you know so I was out with my daughter and I bumped into an old mate of mine this is Cass I said introducing my daughter what's Cass short for he asked

because she's only three he asked, because I'll get up. One piece of busy, there only one piece of busy. See you Bob. Alright, there you go. Nice, nice couple of jokes as well there. Oh Andy. Oh yeah. Peter Beadsley sent me a Christmas message. Oh good. It came as a PDF attachment. Right. That I had to re-export and paste onto my desktop as an mp3.

Really? Yeah. That was possible. Have you got some new software that does that? We've got some new software from Infinity Rocket Plastics. So let's have a listen shall we? Okay. Alright Bob, it's Peter here. Well, what a strange year it has been Bob. Every day just seamlessly merging with the next with little or no contact with the outside world. My life seems to have shrunk you know, a little capsule just containing the wife, me and the little cheeky Robin that comes and sits on the ornamental cherry tree outside the spare room window. I tell you Bob, that little Robin is so cheeky, cheeky chirpy cheek chirp.

When he sees me staring at him, he turns his cheeky head to one side and stares back at me as if I'm an advert, you know, for kebab rotator or something. I sometimes say hello little cheeky Robin, but as soon as I do he generally fires off to be with his mates. Dognail. The other day I was staring out of the top front window

waiting for the Amazon vendor to arrive and I bought a wife an egg slicer, an egg codler with helicopter graphics because she's always telling me like how much she would love to just fly away like. An egg timer signed by Joe Wiley. Oh she loves Wiley, does the wife like. So I wanted to accept the Amazon man so that the wife wouldn't see the presence like. Well after a couple of hours spent staring and imagining that I was a cotler, the van arrived. So I quietly went downstairs to meet him at the door. Sadly though, when I got there the wife was already walking out of her TV room. What the fuck are you doing creeping round like a fucking midnight asshole?

Nothing, no. I just came down to the door, you know, and to ask if you wanted some nice runny porches for a mid-morning picknock like. No, I don't want any fucking porches. Porches you want bollock doil. I want an egg scramble with a white sliced bread and a mug of fucking borrel. As if that wasn't fucking obvious. Oh, okay love. You go and sit down. I'll fetch the door. Will you fucking out? I'll get the door.

I got do with seeing a face that doesn't look like a fucking acorn. Oh, okay love. So the wife opens the door, but I like to hang around a bit to see if I can get all of the parcels without her seeing, you know. She opens the door, it's a tall fella about 30 years old like with a very nice side parting to his hair. Oh, hello there. I must say, you're sight for sore eyes. Do you have have time to put in an ever nice fried egg and a cup of thug and tea? No, I'm a bit behind already but thanks for asking. Oh, I like a bit of behind as well, especially when it's near a nice...

Psssttttchhh! Especially when it's near a nice thick bonk on. What's your name son? I bet it's something very fucking modern, you know, like vase or plasterboard. No, my name's Gary, same as my dad. Does your dad live nearby? Mighty like a fried fucking egg and a knock on me fronties. No, he lives in Bolton. Oh, right, like that

Pete K. fella. Oh, I wouldn't mind a tumble in his undies. That would be very fork and sweet. Er, I tell you love, I'll just take these parcels off the fellow whilst you have your shit-shat. No, you fucking won't, you fucking sack of clown shoes! Here, I'll check those, thank you Gary. And don't worry, I'll be watching your cheeks swinging on your way back to the van. So the wife checks the passports and watches Gary walk down the drag. Here, let me take the passports off while you watch Gary's arse. down the drive. Here, let me take the passers-by while you watch Gary's arse. Piss off and start scrambling you dozy fucking mind Jane. So I go and do the scramblers

for the wife and while I'm ringing in the TV room I can see that she has already opened the packages. What in the name of a living fucking robot is this shit? Er, a bit of a shame really love, because there were my surprise Christmas presents for you. Do you not like them? Sit down Peter. I am in trouble love. Just do as you're fucking told. okay love so I'll remove some damp residue tissues and sit down on the arm of the sofa. you're a good lad Peter. I loved your

wily and combining her with egg timing is a fucking winner as far as I'm concerned. I'm glad you like them I don't love you very much. I know you do Peter. Would you like a handjob? No, it's alright love. I'll just go and get these presents for you. That's up to you. Right, I'm watching Holmes Under the Hammer on ketchup so fuck off! And she turned the sound up on the telly. Ma ma ma ma ma Martin, ooooh. Ma ma ma ma ma Martin, ma ma Martin, tin tin. Well this is an unusual property, but as you've probably guessed, I do like it. Just knock all the walls down to create a kitchen, diner and paint every

surface pure Martin cream. Ooh, bit of damp there. You want to get that looked at by an expert. So, I'm pleased that she likes the presents. I don't suppose she will have got anything for me but I don't mind you know. Oh look he is that cheeky Robin back again. Hiya little fella. Oh he's fucked off. I'll see you Bob. One Peter BSC, there's only one Peter BSC, one Peter BSC, see Bob?

Oh, that's a Peter wasn't it? That was a lovely update there, lots to enjoy there. Peter's been in touch, been a long time, with one of his updates. Okay, would you like to commence that now yeah so a better play that see what you think let's see how he's getting on alright Bob how you didling? I'm just sat up in the spare room passing the time on my own. There was quite a lot of knocking in the attic last night.

I was wrecking the Albanian fella next door. I crept into the attic and was doing his folk dancing. Whatever it's that Albanian neighbours do like you know anyway I went up there but of course he had disappeared by the time I got there like I I reckon he must have some sort of Albanian laser alert system you know that tells him if I'm on me way up like you know so I had a look around and I noticed an old VHS player like you know you know one of them that looks like a portable television like and you just stick the video in the slot at the front you know a little bit like when you insert the money into a washing

machine at the laundry like you know anyways like I brought it down in the spare room and I'm watching it with the sound off because I don't want the wife throwing a strop at me you know. I've only got one tape to play like it's a foreign film about a lass in a factory that makes matchsticks like you know. I can't understand a word of it but the machines are quite striking like you know I can't understand a word of it but the machines are quite striking like you know especially the one that spins round and round and round and round cutting up the wood like little sticks like you know so anyway I was just watching a film when there was a knock on the front door like so. How exciting I thought. I ran downstairs and answered the door. And it made me surprised. I stood the Albanian fellow from next door and I tell you Bob that

you're looking a bit grim you know. Hello neighbour what a pleasant surprise. I would invite you in but for the Covid restrictions on social interactions. I don't want to talk about Covid. Oh, sorry. No, you can, no, you, no, you go ahead. I don't want to talk about Covid. I want my video player back. I know you got it. I know you've come in my attic at night to fiddle about! I do know something. I must ask you to withdraw. Who's at the fucking door, Peter? And why have I not been fully informed without having to fucking ask? It's Albanian fella from next door, like.

Well invite him in then, you useless fucking dial. I can't, lovely, because of the government guidance on social interactions. Oh fuck off with your guidance shite, I'll come to the door. The wife's just coming out mate. As if I give a fuck, just give me my video player! Oh hello neighbour, I must say I've admired your physique very much when I've seen you chopping up shite in your fork and garden. You're very right, I'm a very gorgeous man. Would you be interested in for example a couple of very fork and runny porches to take away. This piece of skinny shit can knock them open a couple of minutes and perhaps you can knock me up whilst that prick is in the kitchen.

No thank you. This little prick has stolen a video machine from my attic and I want it back now. Is this true Peter? No not at all. I've never even been in his attic. I don't even know where it is, though I suspect it's at the very top of his house. Okay Peter, you go back upstairs and let me deal with this. So I just stood back a bit like...

What did you call my husband? A little prick because he is! Oh, is that that right is it? Well at this point my wife suddenly picks up the claw hammer that is on the table and smashes it hard into the Albanian fellas temple and he fell down to his knees like... Nobody, and I mean fucking nobody, calls my Peter a prick Do you fucking hear me?

Yes, I hear you. And then she grabbed him by his hair like and forced his face down into her lovely dog date that the wife had thrown out of her bedroom window. If I ever see your fucking dozy face on my property again I will lump you all the way to fucking Newport via the Cheddar fucking Gorge now fuck off and the Albanian bloke you know he stumbles away like whimpering you know like a puppy at the vet's light you know Blimey love that was a bit drastic. Are you okay? I'm fine. Like I say, nobody calls my Peter a prick and gets away with it.

Alright, thanks darling, I do love you very much. Whatever. Now go and fetch me my porches and make sure they're very fucking runny worry you useless prick. Yeah, I will do love. So that was certainly an incident, wasn't it, Bob? Anyways, before I go out tonight, I'll tell you a couple of jokes from your old joke book. Here goes then. I really wanted to shout at the bloke, like who nicked me gate gate but the wife stopped me.

She said he might take offence. I started a new job as a security guard and the boss told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night. I'm on season two already. Pretty nice job my wife she was really mad at me because I didn't open the car door and let her let her mother out like I said to her I said I'm sorry but I just panicked and swam swam up to the surface

to the surface. See? Err... What's blue? Err... and smells like red paint. Blue paint. One paint a busy There's only one paint a busy

One paint a busy There's only one Peter Beardsley I'll see you Bob there he goes that was that was lovely it's lovely to hear Carol Beardsley sticking up for Peter there sticks up ain't no one else calls him the names then no exactly there's a lot of love there deep down Deep Down. Alright Rob. Oh well. Ever since the wife has gone back to do her police work, it's kind of lonely here in the

house really. I try to schedule every day so that I keep busy you know. I go up about 6 and sleep downstairs to prepare the wife's bake box for work and get her breakfast eggs ready you know. I leave it all on the kitchen table for her because she doesn't like to see me in the morning you know. Says she needs a peace and quiet you know before she goes to work and that. About 7.30 I hear her leaving through the front door so I go to the front bedroom window and I give her a little wave you know nice little wavy, wavy goodbye wave. She never turns around to look up but I feel better you know knowing I've said goodbye properly. Sometimes if it's cold the window steams up

you know so I draw a little heart in the condensation say see you love have a nice day that's what I say then I go downstairs tidy up the lounge from where she's been watching TV night before you know I have a nice cup of tea a fig roll and then I turn the heating off you know put on my puffer puffer jacket and go back to bed till it's time to get the wife's evening eggs on. When she gets back home she's not really in the mood for chit-chat and that so while she has a shower I turn the telly on the police interceptors and lay her eggs out nice on the coffee table. When she comes downstairs I give her a peck on the cheek and then I'm back up to her spare bedroom. I stare out the window you know until it gets dark like then I have a nice chicken wrap with a lovely, dumpy chicken and a bottle of amber ale.

Before you know it, it's time to get up again and face a new day. So I've got my old joke book here, so I'll read you out a couple of your jokes Bob before I go alright. One thing I never do is tell Dad jokes. He never fucking laughs at them. The woman across the road keeps fashioning me you know from upstairs window like I've no idea how she got the car up there My mate Gary once told me you should always quit while you're ahead Are you really really good bloke Gary? But terrible at the 100 meter sprint

fucking hell so that's all me Bob and I'll say goodbye see you Bob one Peter B is three there only one piece of beer, see? See, Bob? Well, Peter, I'm sorry about that. I mean, he's bothered to do it. But it's a bit grim, isn't it? Well, yeah. ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

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