Athletico Mince - The Geordie Heat Collection Vol. 2

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

A compilation of incidents of crime on the Tyne from between December 2021 and June 2022. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Find your match, then reel them in. Advertise on more than 100,000 podcasts with Acast. Head to go.acast.com slash closer to get started. Andy, as you know sir, yes sir, as you probably know our marvellous emergency services have to keep working throughout Christmas and it's no exception for the wonderful offices of the law at Geordie Haight in Newcastle yes and I've managed to get hold of a copy of part of the script for the upcoming Christmas episode of Geordie Haight which of course will be broadcast on Netflix. Yes sir. So I'll raise the help for you. Geordie Hate. Crime on the time. Hot Geordie nights. Geordie streets full of

crime. Geordie Streets Full of Crime Geordie Heats Interior Geordie Heats Incident Room There are Christmas streamers and balloons on the ceiling and the walls. PC, Denise Walsh is just finishing hanging the last hot dogs on the Christmas tree when the phone rings she rushes back to her desk puts on her headphones and answers good evening Jardy Heat emergency response team may I take your name and address please pet

we're in a massive driveway and our biggest Christmas tree in all of town oh hello Mr Sting what is it this time? don't take that attitude with me I used to be in the police you know I could soon enough contact the smoggy heat if you can't be bothered no I'm sorry about that Mr Sting it's just we've been very busy over Christmas and we're all very tired. I don't that very much and what about me? I've had to look through these yoga mats and the tribal gongs all over this massive house as well as cooking the biggest turkey in Newcastle for her and her fucking mates.

And let's not forget that my gut health isn't what it should be. Nobody ever thinks about me. I'm sorry to hear that Mr Sting. Now what is the nature of your emergency? Oh, I'd lost our actual pertinent question. My emergency is as follows. The massive turkey carcass is in the bin and it's beginning to smell like a full abandoned abattoir. I'm afraid it will attract rats to the massive house and that these rats will start gnawing on my lutes and my bamboo thinking sticks.

You need to send an expert disposal crew pronto and I want them to be wearing that special hazlots suits and the fancy bubble helmets Oh Mr. Sting could you not fish it out of the bin and take it to the tip-pad I'm not touching that sweaty lumber shite I need operatives and I need them now if Trudy gets a whiff of the stench we'll have to go on a cleansing trip to fucking barley and I always get the fucking hiccups when I go there. Oh okay well I happen to know that PC Shelby is in your neck of the woods so I'll ask him to pop in and take a look pet. Has he got one of them special suits?

No but he's got a very powerful cape on so I'm sure everything will be safe sweetheart. better that be and may I say I'm very unhappy with your response to date and will be noting that fact on my new supercomputer goodbye exterior Sting's massive house Sting is stood 20 feet from his dustbin, strumming on his lute. There was an old turkey with a powerful stench. Ooh, ah, tickety-dom-turnips, turnips. A priest in a tent, a priest in a tent, put by the smell was repelled. Oh, ah, tickety-dom-turnips, was the most noxious of fumes that he'd ever noxious of fumes that he'd ever smelled. Oh, tickety-tom-durn-ips! exterior Tom stings massive house. PC Shelby pulls up in a Geordie Heat Squad

car wearing a red satin black velvet cape. About fucking time! I think this turkey is about a blow! Don't panic Mr String! My powerful cape and fleeting ancestral memories will protect me! May I borrow your lute to have a poke around in the bin and that? Nobody touches my lute apart from Trudy! You're on your own mate! my loot, apart from Trudy, you're on your own mate." PC Shelby approaches the dustbin and removes the lid. He is initially repulsed by the smell but bravely removes the turkey carcass and puts it in a black bin bag. Oh, it's on the turn, but nothing to get a barber on over. Hold on, what is that intoxicating aroma? on over? Hold on, what is that intoxicating aroma?" He then sniffs the air and dives headfirst

into the bin. He emerges with a pile of bloody turkey giblets in his fist. I think I found the culprits. These giblets are honking like a seafarer's bait box. Well don't wave them about your fucking fruit, Loop. Get them in the bag and out of here. No need for that, Mr. Loot Fruit. These are all mine. All mine! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha There was a young copper as brave as can be, Ooh, ah, Titty Tom Tannin, Who feasted on giblets and bagged a turkey,

Ooh, ah, Titty Tom Turkey, With his lust for blood and his head bald as ice, Ooh, ah, Titty Tom Turkey, It's not a great look but he'll never get lice ooooh, ah, tickety tom, titi tom tom turkey That's the end of that, Andrew. Geordie Heats I just wanted to ask if you would, could you say, I just want to hear it again, it's on

the turn but nothing to get a Barbara on over. Okay. Maybe it should be about. It's on the turn but nothing will become a staple on the St. James Park terraces over the next few months. Oh God. I've managed to get hold of a bit of script for Geordie Heat or is this a script Geordie or is it does it is it really exist? Geordie Heat I can't remember. It's real it's real I assume it's from Infinity Rock of Plastics somehow. Okay well I've got it in script form so someone must have written it down

Geordie Heats Crime on the Tine Hot Geordie Nights Geordie Streets Full of Crime Geordie Heats PC Denise Walsh is eating a steak bake at her desk. Di, it's interior Geordie Heat incident room. Yeah, it's gone well.

PC Denise Welsh is eating a steak bake at her desk. Di, Steve Bruce is eating a corned beef sandwich at his desk and PC Carol Beesley is eating an egg omelette at her desk. Andy, you've got it it right it's a slow day suddenly the emergency heat line rings and PC Welsh answers it hello Jordy Heath fighting crime on the time how can I help you pet? well I'm not your pet I'm Mr Sting from our massive house with a massive drive and a massive gate and a massive guard dog oh hello Mr Sting, sorry about that

Denise looks over to DI Bruce and makes a face that would suggest she has just received her gas bill So what's the nature of your emergency Mr Sting? I need an office around the massive house ASAP And why is that mr. Sting? I'll tell you if you stop fucking in there up maybe ten seconds. honestly you're worse than Trudy when she's got a cob on. oh I'm sorry about that. there you go again. just shut her will you and listen. there's a buzzing sound in the background.

are you still there mr. Sting? yes I'm in the background buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and I can't tune my lute properly. Oh dear, have you tried booting the fridge Mr Sting? Oh God, course I have. I've booted it, I've lambed it, I've chewed his yoga ball, I've shouted at it, I've even sat on top of it, but I can't get rid of the bastard buzzing. Could Mr Sting, could you not maybe tune your lute in another room? Knock on your idiot!

My kitchen has perfect sound resolution and I'm tuning up the lute for the biggest gathering of lute players ever in the world, ever! It's called Luteageddon! Ah, you should have called it Absolutely or Lutton Nutcase. No chance, not a joke. Lut again could actually save the world. People like you make me want to eat my feet. Okay Mr Sting, don't get a throb on. I'll send one of our special constables round to have a look for you. Cut to Interior Sting's massive kitchen. Special Constable Eddie Howe is speaking to Mr Sting's massive kitchen special constable Eddie Howe is speaking to mr. Sting this is a lovely house you have here you must be very fucking

chaffed with it I am but what about this fridge I never seen seen one as huge as this before? Is it electric or does it run off some sort of biofuel rocket engine? I know, Trudy had it put in when I was touring Peru looking for thinking sticks and wellness gums. Have you tried kicking the fucker? Yeah of course I'm very well versed in basic fridge maintenance mate Yeah I'm sure you're fucking arse-quire Have you turned it on and off at the socket? I can't find a socket I've looked everywhere including the cut and redraw before you get all arse-y

If you don't mind me asking What's the big fucking emergency? Couldn't you just get an electrician to sort it out? No I could not. I need to tune my loot for loot again. The largest gathering of loot players the world has ever seen. I've got 30 mean minutes till I need to get on my gyrocopter. It's a very strong name that loot again. But I would have gone for something like Tooty Looty or Lou Tewsir

It's Lou again for fuck's sake! Everyone is a bastard cricket critic these days, so can you do out or not? Well I reckon it's just a fucking hudge that the sockets make me behind the actual fucking fridge so why don't you take one side and let's try and pull the fucking thing out Sting and Eddie pull out the fridge, Eddie turns it off and on and the buzzing disappears there you go sir, let's see to a fixer fucker yeah no thanks to you though I could have done that myself yeah but you didn't did you Squire so you off to Luke again now are you yes here let me play you a little song before you nick off

my kitchen fridge my kitchen fridge was buzzing like a fly then Mr. Sting, yes Mr. Sting, discovered the reason why. He saved the day, he paved the way for a festival of light. Well I must say that sounded fucking excellent. I wish you all the best with your loot again. See you soon. And good footy look. And that's Geordie. A good episode really. That was very good. Nice to hear Eddie Howe're becoming increasingly unhinged week by week the Jordy Heath I've managed to get hold of a bit of script you know for the Netflix series right I'll read out your hand here see there's your last bit of script. Geordie Heats Crime on the Tine

Hot Geordie Nights Geordie Streets Full of Crime Geordie Heats Interior Geordie Heat incident room. The Geordie Heat hotline rings and PC Denise Welsh picks up the receiver. Hello, this is Geordie Heat fighting crime on the time. How can I help you pet? It's Declan from Ant and Dec listen up this is Ant and Dec speaking I'm sorry sweetheart you'll have to speak up a bit I can barely hear you it's Ant and Dec we've been kidnapped

I'll send a location pin to your phone if your phone is back like oh hi Ant and Dec fucking kidnapped you say that's a bit of a bastard do you know the kidnapper is well we think it's a woman but that's all we know the Lobbda's in a van and then booted us into some sort of barn shit someone's coming you'd better hove up and hurry up like. Aye we will do have you any idea? Oh oh he's gone. Detective Inspector Steve Bruce. What was that about Denise? Did you mention a kidnap like you know and all that like? Aye it's Ant and Dec. Some lass has kidnapped them and Tee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee Denise picks it up. Hello this is Geordie Heath fighting crime on the tine. How can I help you pet? This is Mr Sting from a massive house with a massive driveway and a massive conker tree.

Oh hello Mr Sting. Denise looks over to DI Bruce with an expression on her face that suggests she has just been asked to empty the neighbours litter tray. Can I just ask if your call is really really urgent Mr Sting because we've got a very big case just coming. How dare you assume that my emergency is not a priority. I am quite frankly dumbfounded by that implication. Goodbye and no hold hold on. I'm sorry, mr. Sting What does seem to be the problem? apology accepted 1000 card smiles Now listen up and listen up good I have just loved and I'm dead in me massive barn and unless you lot get round here pronto Toronto

And rod my kitchen drain. I'm gonna loot the shit out of them okay calm down Mr Sting what you want about a most calm as fuck if you want me to calm down and get a squad car round here with a full set of drain rods get to it or I and Dec get looted goodbye D.I. Bruce Sting has kidnapped Ant and Dec and is threatening to loot them up God if he bends their minds I'll go effing apeshit good to interior Sting's massive barn Ant and Dec are tied to two wooden poles in

the center of the room it's a bit like reservoir dogs but more agricultural. How it sting? says Ant. Just let us go we're already phoned Jordy Heath you're gonna get a right bollock in. He's right Mrs. Sting just let us go and we won't say out to anyone Jordy Heath is gonna knacker you for this. Yeah think about it what if this sent Carol Beardsley she will literally remove your skin looking for eggs. Shut up and stop using psychiatry on me. You are not going anywhere until I get my drains rotted. There's a knock on the barn door and in stride special constable Eddie Howe. Oh, it's you lot! So what's going on here then?

I'd be most interested to fucking know. Thank God you're here. This nutcase has kidnapped us. You nipped the kick his head in and got us out of here. Is this true Squire? Have you fucking kidnapped these two young lads? Yes I have! And have you brought a full set of drain rods with you? I always carry a full fucking set with me because to be honest with you, in my present fucking job, I'm always struggling to shift shit. Now would you be so good and so fucking

unsy them? No chance not until my drains are running free and fresh and I can rinse off my boiled eggs. Stingpilt picks up his loot. No sir please I fuckinggu, don't play that fucking Sting. No Sting, not the lute. Now who's using psychiatry, you medieval bastard? Sting begins to play. Oh Mr. Sting, yes Mr. Sting, he had a cunning plan to get his drains afloat so he could wash his pots and pans. Close up, Ant and Dex nails digging into the posts onto which they are tied close up Eddie Howe's teeth his fillings are popping out

Oh Mr Sting, yes Mr Sting, he kidnapped two young men and tied them to a threshing post seven six eight nine ten What a fucking shit rhyme! I can't take any more I'll get me rods out and I'll have a go at the fucking drains Eddie leaves to rod the kitchen drains Sting continues with his song Oh Mr Sting now he is the thing his plan was watertight and since that day and every day there's a kidnapping every night. At that moment the back door of the barn is kicked straight off its hinges and a lady addresses the room it's PC Carol Beardsley. Put that fuck and loot down now Mr Sting or I'll fucking grab it and ram it deep into your fucking lungs.

Oh shit not new. Listen, listen I'm just trying to live a life free from blockages. Put the fucking loot down now. Sting places the loot on the floor thanks Carol says aunt we told him you'd come and knock him oh my word it's aunt and deck how very nice to fucking meet you lads I must say that in real life you're much cuter than you see on the fucking television let me untie you and then we can take a very fork and sexy selfie together special constable howe re-enters

the barn right square I've sorted your dreads it might be an idea to stop putting so many fucking pulses down the sink now I can rinse off those eggs and hide hide them from Trudy in the hole in my loot. Hold on a minute. Did you say eggs? Says Carol. Are they boilers? Yeah a dozen organic hard boilers. Oh I love the organics. What say you give them to me and we forget about this little fucking frat? You fancy a little picnic behind the shop's hunting deck? Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr off then Mr. C. Can I wish you all the fucking best with your drains and good fucking luck with your future plants. JORDY HEATS

So it sounds like it could be a good episode that doesn't it? That's really good I look forward to seeing that. I mean honestly you've just read the script up there so it's not as good as actually sitting watching it but I look forward to that that was really good. I look forward to seeing that. I mean honestly you've just read the script up there It's not as good as actually sitting watching it But yeah, I look forward to that. That was really good. A bit of a conflict there between the Beardsley voice and the Sting voice You know, but slightly, but you know, you're an enthusiastic amateur. So what more can we ask for really? really. Participating Wendy's in Canada, Taxes Extra. I've had another bit of script from the upcoming Netflix series, Jordy Hate. Oh, excellent, yeah. Jordy hates.

Crime on the time. Hot Jordy nights. Jordy streets. Crime on the Tine Hot Geordie Nights Geordie Streets Full of Crime Geordie Heat Interior Geordie Heat Edgequarters It's a leaving party for DI Steve Bruce who was leaving for his new role as chief constable with the baggy interceptors in Birmingham

Joining him are PC Denise Welsh PC Carol Beardsley DC JJ Shelby and his successor in the post DI Eddie Howe. Yes first first to speak is PC Welch. Well I have to say what a sad occasion it is for us all. You've been a smashing boss like and never caused us any bother or out like that. Ah that's very kind sweetheart. I've really enjoyed my time here, even if it did lack impact. I'll miss you all. J.J. Shelby, Chirpson. You won't miss me, matey. I will visit you in your dreams and pass unnoticed amongst

your colleagues as I seek fresh blood. Aye, well, I'll very much look forward to that J.J. You keep up the good work now, won't you? Bet you by golly wow I will. I'm not just about the biting you know. I'm committed to the night shift. So long as I get the occasional nip and sock. Aye, good lad J.J. Now PC Beardsley I'm really gonna miss your ten egg quiches and your cold omelette rolls. Maybe you could give me the recipe. Oh says Carol. Oh dear Bruce. How very kind of you to compliment me on the eggs. But I have to admit that they're all prepared by my clown husband in his kitchen hook and circus.

I shall not pass on the compliment if you don't mind on account of him being a folk and midnight creeper With a brain of Todd it may turn him toward the self folk and satisfied Just at that moment the door opens and Peter Beardsley pops his head round. Err, errr, hi all. Errr, I was just passing by like so I thought errr, we'd wish D.I. Bruce all the best for his future in Birmingham. Aye, that's very kind of you Peter. I was just saying to your wife that I wouldn't mind getting hold of some of your egg recipes. Oh that was a bit of a pleasure Steve. No the most important thing is the preparation of the actual pan you're using.

The secret is to get one of them squeegee squeegee rough rough cleaning sponges. You know, squeegee on one, rough, rough on the other side. And you really got it, mainly squishy, squishy, but occasionally a bit of rough, rough, so it's like, squishy, squishy, squishy, squishy, squishy, rough, rough, squishy, squishy. Do you get what I'm saying, Steve? Do you know? Do you get what I mean, like, do you feel me? Do you stick on me drift days? PC Carol Beasley approaches Peter at the door and whispers into his ear

How dare you interrupt me at my fucking workstoo! Do you think my fucking colleagues want to tolerate your daft fucking bent slab of a face when they're trying to have a fucking knees up now fuck off home and don't you dare put the fucking heating on in your back bedroom go on fuck scabber. Oh okay I love you, nice seeing you all and good nice seeing you all and good luck Steve and remember it's squeezy squeezy squeezy squeezy rough rough squeezy PC Welsh, I say DI Bruce would you like my Bakewell tart recipe? you always seemed very fond of them when we were on the night shift together

you're the only tart in here you slaggy bike says Carol now now ladies let's not have any of that well I reckon it's time I introduced you to me successor please give a warm welcome to DI Eddie Howe. Carol oh my god he's fucking gorgeous looks like a fucking East German poet he can climb my wall anytime he's fucking wants. Denise Welsh who sounds like the slag now? I certainly know looks like one oh fuck off

no you fuck off so give him a nice warm welcome it's D.I. Eddie Howe thank you very fucking much gentlemen there's only one lady in here fuck off There's only one lady in here. Fuck off! Can I just fucking say what an absolute pleasure it is to be working with such a fucking exceptional

team. I don't really know up from down or my arms from my fucking arse when it comes to crime fighting, but I'm sure you'll all hold my hand and see me through can I ask you dear Bruce if you're looking forward to your new fucking post in Birmingham oh I very much so yeah you're now as long as I can get over the language barrier and that the boss makes a good point that they don't half talk daft down there in Birmingham. You need an interpreter, a bit like what I do when I'm fighting a succubus or a night fatter. I think other than the work, the work will be very similar.

And I'm told I've got a lovely office where i can get on the ebay in peace well i wish you all the fucking best with your future endeavors and a good fucking luck all around really so one thing i think you guys have um organized a little surprise for d.i bruce denise opens the door and in strides Mr Sting wearing a Bean Husk boiler suit with a Robin Hood hat on his head. He's carrying his loot. Steve Bruce. Oh fuck.

Good evening ladies and gents of Geordie Heat. It is me, Mr Sting from the massive house with the massive drive and the massive fields of wheat where my massive dogs roam free. Hiya Mr Sting, do you fancy a bunk up? No I do not. I'm here to sing my tribute to D.I. Bruce. So give me a good fucking listen and no photos or taping equipment if you don't mind. Here goes. mind here goes oh mr. Sting oh mr. Sting he knew a tuna too and mr. Bruce yes mr. Bruce I wrote this one for you you are a copper brave and true and you never missed the shift for crime on the time on Geordie Nights, 8-7, 6-4 Rice. Close up of Bruce's fingernails scratching at the

surface of the table and JJ Shelby gnawing at the wall. Oh Geordie Heat, yes Geordie Heat, committed to the cause. God bless the squad, God praise the squad. Nineteen Eight and Edward. The old must go to start a new reign, so things will change and others remain. My gift to you is this final refrain, nine, two, eight, seven and grain. Sting bows with a flourish and leaves the premises in his massive hydro rocket car. Eddie. That was very nice but you know, fuck it's fucking over. Everyone nods their head and waves in agreement. Geordie Heath.

And that's, they were as much as the script as I got Andy. That's more than enough. I can't wait to see and see the full thing on the nut flick service there yeah couple years time they reckon yeah good big budget big production Andy I've had a new WAV mp3 yeah script something like that right from the Geordie Heat incident room. So I'll perform that for you, shall I? Am I involved in it at all? Do you know, I'm not absolutely sure.

Because I've noticed John Joe Shovey is there, but no. OK. Soz Andy. But he's there. Right, so here goes. Alright. Ge so here goes. Alright. Geordie Heats. Crime on the time.

Hot Geordie nights. Geordie streets. Full of crime. Geordie Heats Interior Geordie Heats incident room. John John Shelby is cooking some liver on a camping stove. PC Carol Beardsley is eating egg custard tarts. Community PC Peter Beardsley is reading a book of poems by Benjamin Zephaniah.

DI Eddie Howe is on the eBay looking at mouse mats. The phone rings and is answered by PC Denise Welsh. Hello, Geordie Heat emergency hotline, how might I help you pet? It's Mr. I can't do the voice because of his cold. Oh my god. I'll have to try one. Hello. Hello Jody Yeats. Oh no. It's Mr Sting from the massive house with the massive drive and the massive oil tank and the massive supercar that's faster than the fastest car in the world. I'm sorry I've got a bit of a cold take. Oh hello Mr Sting. She looks around at the rest of the squad with a look on her face that suggests she is on a work day's work experience at the ship farm. What's the matter

this time? Don't take that tone with me young lady. I pay good money for your service and demand to be treated like an emperor. Or at the very least like I'm high up in the armed forces. I demand to speak to your chief executive. Quite frankly your attitude stinks more than one of Trudy's Mug Bean Smoothies. I can't do it, Andell. So sorry. Will you do Stink? Give it a go. I can't do it. It's a waste of time, innit? Yeah, I'll have a go.

Alright. I demand to speak to your Chief Executive. Quite frankly, you're out of Trudy's Stinks more than one of Trudy's Mug Bean Smoothies. How's that? Oh, that's fantastic. Okay, Mr. Sting, says Denise. Putting you through to DI Eddie Howe. Just putting you on hold for a second, pet.

She turns and speaks to DI Eddie Howe. It's Mr. Sting. He wants to speak to you, boss pet. Oh, for fuck's sake, Denise. I'm on the eBay. Can't you tell him I've gone out fucking clubbing or something? I'm sorry, boss pet. I've already said I'm putting him through. Strike a light and burn all my fucking savings. Put the fucker through and let's hear what

bollocks is occurring. Hello, is that. Sting? This is DI House speaking. How may I fucking help you? Well, you can stop starting with the swearing, you'll mind for a start. No fucking chance. Now, what do you fucking want, Squire? Oh, at last an actual sensible question. Let me explain.

Trudy is aware of a gong-making course, and as you may or may not know which yield here I generally make myself a massive spaghetti Bolognese. Are you keeping her up with me? Yes. Well as I was chopping the onions with me saw my knife that is sharper than the sharpest knife in the world. I looked up over the window and I saw a fierce staring at me.

Are you keeping up? Yes. Well I was met and he saw the saw my knife, he scarpered and ran into the garage. Trudy had left the door open when she took a mega car to drive to the gonger thong. Are you following me? Yes. Are you following me? Yes Well, I took off my plenty of slippers and got into my clogs which are made of the hardest toffee known to mankind

and just after him he was nowhere to be seen in the garage even with me massive torch and excellent eyes but I can hear him scuttling around in the roof space of the garage Yes but I can hear scuttling around in the roof space of the garage Eeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Cut to Exterior Sting's Garage Sting is sat on a wheelbarrow full of buttoned up squashes outside the open and garaged door. D.I. Howe and PC Carol Beasley emerge from a Geordie Heat squad car. Not far behind them is PC Peter Beasley on his moped with a stepladder under one arm. You lot took your time and I could barely hear the sirens and did you shut the massive gate behind you? Eddie turns to PC Peter Baisley who has just pulled up.

Did you shut the fucking massive gates behind you Peter? Er, no I couldn't boss you know, because of the step ladder. I thought that it would be automatically, you know, electric, electric, where clunk, clunk, clunk, shut. How dare you suggest my massive gates are manual! The button that shuts them's in the hallway and I can't leave my post here under squashed barrel or else the intruder might escape! Go and shut the fucking gate Peter and don't fuck about. We need all the manpower here in fucking situ.

Peter drives off on his moped. Wait, could you say that hatch in the roof that is open? Yes. Well, the labyrinth that was there is gone, so I've deduced that the intruder has fritzed it up into the loft with him. I agree with your fucking diagnosis. Carol fetch me the stepladder. Oh Jesus wept, that fat faced creep has taken it back up to the gates with him. He's such a useless milky bagger fucking out. He should be back in one minute, especially

if he has a turbo switch on his moped like I have. Well I guess we'll just have to fucking wait. No worries, I've written a new song for me loot which will help fill in the time. Carol and Eddie look at each other in a way to suggest that they've been asked to jet rod John MacRilix Carsey. Sting fetches his loot and begins to sing. Oh god. Oh Mr Sting, yes Mr Sting, let's all sing him some praise, cause Mr Sting, yes Mr Sting, he cooked a ball of this, he so happened after the lightning strike and chopped the onions fine and his mega pan and his golden

hand had the pasta ready on time. Oh Mr Sting that Mr Sting deserves a Michelin star cos the Berlin is, yes the Berlin is, 6-4-11 car. PC Peter Beardsley arrives back with the stepladder. Why did you take the ladder with you you bella faced moron? Er sorry, I just wasn't thinking straight you know though. I would like to say that I don't think it's easy in hindsight to realise I shouldn't have hauled the ladder up to massive gates but I think hearing the excitement at the moment is forgivable. Bullshit!

Give me that ladder! Carol climbs the ladder and shouts up into the void. I'll give you three fucking seconds to get down here or I'll come up there and lamp you so hard your tongue will hang out of your arsehole and your brain will turn into dandelion and fucking bear-dock. Three, two... At this point the sound of footsteps are heard in the loft and a pair of legs emerges from the hatch. Carol moves out of the way and a naked man falls down onto the garage floor. Seize him! Seize him and kick him in the balls like a goodon! Carol kicks him in the balls. The naked figure lets out a groan and then starts crawling towards D.I. Howe.

Yeah, I recognize this look. It's that Robson Green, you know, from the wartime song and the Extreme Mackerel show. Hey fucking Israel! What's your game mate? Were you trying to make my spag ball? You shitty midnight creamer! Robson Green lifts his head up and speaks. Oh look, I'm sorry Mr Sting. It was the only way I knew that I could get to meet Eddie Howe. I thought I'd never recover from the loss of Rafa Benitez, but Mr Howe has given me a new hope and a new love in me life. Eddie fucking Howe, may I shake your hand?" Robson stands up naked in front of Eddie Howe. He has attached a toothbrush to his dongle

with an elastic band. No you may fucking not. I don't shake the hand of petty fucking crimps, especially naked ones with a fucking toothbrush attached to a fucking dingle Oh, please mr. Howe. I've waited for your touch for a long long lonely time I'm telling you I need your love. Please mr. Howe Cuff him Carol and remove that toothbrush before someone gets hurt Yes, boss, I should remove it with great fucking pleasure Err, would you prefer, you know, like if I got it love? No, I fucking wouldn't Well Mr. Fucking Sting, I think that sorted out your fucking problem

Yes, I am mildly impressed and shall return to my Spagboy and songwriting. Well in that case I wish you all the fucking best with that and good luck with all your future fucking endeavors. Shut up and goodbye from Sting. Jody Heath Did you enjoy that? I enjoyed that a lot! I enjoyed getting to be Mr Stig there, that was great!.