Athletico Mince - The Geordie Heat Collection Vol. 3

Episode Date: May 23, 2025

A dollop of Tyne-based crime reality from between July and November of 2022 (First released to Club Parsnips members in July 2024) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's better than a well marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue? A well marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well marbled ribeye you ordered without even leaving the kiddie pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy zero dollar delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart. Groceries that over deliver. I managed to get hold of a bit of the script for Geordie Heats, an episode of Geordie Heats Andy. I didn't get it from Infinity Rocket Plastics by the way if that's what you're thinking because it's an actual hard copy of the script you

know I printed out on paper. So that's a nice thing to print something out on isn't it Andy? Paper, yeah. Yeah. I'll read it for you anyway. Geordie Heats. Crime on the Tine. Hot Geordie Nights. Geordie Streets Full of Crime

Geordie Heats All is quiet and calm. DI Eddie Howe is on the eBay looking at novelty draft excluders. PC John John Shelby is down in a hole in his cape. PC's Denise Welsh and Carol Beesley are squeezing a chicken to see if an egg might come out. Suddenly they all get up and stand to attention. Their big boss, Chief Constable Amanda Stavely has entered the room. They all get up.

Good afternoon, ma'am. Good afternoon, ma'am. Good afternoon, ma'am. Amanda. Stavely has entered the room they all get up good afternoon mom good afternoon mom good afternoon mom Amanda oh please just call me Amanda baby because I'm worth it pet Eddie how oh fucking lovely to meet you sweetheart. How are you getting on with a local fucking accent? Howay and why iPad, I did not give a shite a boot newt. Denise Welsh, aw that's very good ma'am. Amanda baby, listen, I've just popped down to inform you that a new community officer will be starting with you today. There's a knock on the door. That's probably him now. Come in and meet Amanda Baby.

The door open and in walks Mr Sting. He's wearing a black bulletproof Kelvar overcoat, a throbbing blue motorcycle style helmet and is carrying a Kelvar covered loot. He has a diesel generator in a trolley that he's pulling behind him. Special Constable B.C. Sting reporting for duty. I'm here to make a massive difference to a massive problem and make Gordie Heath the most massive enforcement agency in the known European world. Denise, oh God help us, he's got his loot. What was that you said Lady Copper?

Nothing nothing Mr Sting, lovely to have you on board. Err, says Eddie, do you think you could turn off that fucking generator? It's making a such a fucking racket. I can hardly hear myself fucking sink Not even remotely possible It's powering my super helmet that contains the largest database in the world and can solve crimes dead easy like It even has a lie detector function for when we are questioning Macom's are smoggy's that kind of thing nice to have you on board PC sting says Amanda I suggest you share a desk with PC John John Shelby good luck and welcome aboard the good ship Amanda baby Amanda leaves the incident room no chance I'm not

hearing me spooky tooth over there. I will require a massive desk with a massive revolving chair and massive big red lantern on it that lights up with Batman telephones. J.J. Shelby. Call me spooky tooth again and I'll drain your blood with my long suction device that I keep under the drawers on the right side of my desk. Spooky chute!

Ha ha ha! Look, PC Sting, calm the fuck down, will you? You can share a desk with PC Walsh if that's fucking okay with you, Denise. Ah, yes, yes of course boss. Sting's helmet makes her sound like a clown horn being stood on by a bear with a limp. Sting. She's lying! My helmet tells me that that is so. You cannot defeat it and you cannot deceive it. I should know cos it went off when I told Trudy I liked her mung bean smoothie.

I would rather stand than sit with a liar So come on. I've got my supercar outside. Let's go catch some tricky bastards I think you're getting well ahead of yourself there PC Sting For the first four weeks of your training you'll be based here in a fucking office Just learning the ropes and looking after fucking paperwork we have a bit of an emergency on our hands at the moment an escaped convict Pat fucking Bell who bears the grudge against PC Shelby we all stay and hunkered fucking down until he's caught and pray tell me what is this grudge again Shelby based on?

he bit all nine of the blokes fucking dogs and they had to be put down and i told you we had smoky teeth i told you not to call me that again it's a good job you don't have a dog i do have a dog and it's massive it's a cross between a st. Bernard and a space virus it would kill you with one swipe of the leg on that's on the top of his head alright enough Tom Factory PCBZ turn off that factory generator will you don't you dare try and stop me and I'll lamp you in the face so hard your head will turn in on itself and Harry Potter ones will stream out of your arsehole. Oh, okay then. No problem.

My helmet should be fully charged now. Anyway. Carol turns off the generator. The office falls silent again as they await news on Pat fucking Bell. Sting breaks the silence. You're lucky, I have written a song about my police career and how it will pan out. I'll play it for you to try and ease the tension. Oh Mr Sting, yes Mr Sting with his Kelver hat and coat. Oh Mr Sting he's a wonderful thing though he never likes to gloat.

Oh Mr Sting he's the crime fighting king and he's always first on the scene Cos Mr Sting, yes Mr Sting, he's a man the baby's dream My wee wee is dark Suddenly the door to the incident room is kicked open And it's none other than escaped convict Pat fucking Bell He's wielding a shorn off shotgun Right John Joe Shelby, step forward I'm John fucking Bell, I'm gonna shoot your face to shit and back John fucking Bell? He was Pat fucking Bell wasn't he throws his cape at Pat fucking Bell to confuse him but it

lands more than a meter shoot. I'm gonna shoot you nine times one for each dog. Carol Beardsley. Not so quick, Patfuckin' Bell, take this. Carol throws six boilers at Patfuckin' Bell, but they all miss. The nearest missing by a good three feet. Brackets. Note to director. Please ensure Carol does not eat the boilers prior to the commencement of this scene. Eddie smears his own hand with Eo stick glue and sets fire to it this is my fucking end is on fire you need to let me go so I can see urgent

fucking medical attention Denise extinguishes the fire on Eddie's hand using a bottle of prosecco she had hidden in the operational cowboy boots next to her desk oh thanks a fucking bunch Denise that burning end was my ticket to freedom now I'm at the mercy of this fucking moon man Pat fucking Bell. Stop whinging out it's only the vampire arm after cause of the dog's deaths now get on your knees Shelby. Shelby gets on his knees and Pat fucking Bell points his shotgun directly at his face. He puts his finger on the trigger and there is a loud bang as the gun is fired.

Eddie screams, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU massive hole the size of a melon in the middle of his back. Take that, Pat fucking Belt, you daft arsehole. You've just been shot with Mr Sting's loot and shoot space weapon, powered by a unique type of electric and animal plasma. Don't mess with Sting, it's just not the done thing. Thank you very fucking much PC Sting. We owe you a great fucking debt of gratitude and that is a fucking underestimation. No worries it's just typical of me to save the lives of others. Come on let's have a sing. Oh Mr Sting, yes Mr Sting, Jesus fucking hell. Oh Mr Sting did a massive thing killing Pat the fucking bell.

So folks did you like my song? they all say yes and the lie detector and Sting's helmet goes apeshit and he runs out of the room honking like a chimp in the circus store room. You fucking liars! and that was Jordy Heath with coughing I'm sorry listeners managed to get hold of a new bit of script for the upcoming Netflix series Jordy Heath Andy okay yeah ask me ask me how I get them how'd you get them Bob I can't you, I just can't tell you. So here goes. Geordie Heats Crime on the Tine Hot Geordie Nights

Geordie Streets Full of Crime Geordie Heats Interior Geordie Heats surveillance for transit. The transit is parked on the quayside outside the Hotel Devon in Newcastle. Chief Inspector Eddie Howe is delivering his briefing to the squad. Right, as you all know know we're here to capture the Nomarchs who have been pilfering five fucking wines from the wine display in the fighting restaurant.

Now PC Cal BG, PC Denise Welsh you will pose as regular diners. PC John John Shelby is already in fucking situ as an undercover waiter and I will be acting as the maitre on the lectern next to the fucking entrance any fucking questions yes Carol are there any egg dishes on the menu I doubt it is fine fucking f***ing dining restaurant. There might be some f***ing quails eggs. Oh they can f*** off. Tiny little pointless bastards with no clout. I could eat 20 of them and it wouldn't even tickle me f***ing arse. Right, alright whatever. Right let's go in and keep your communications open at all f***ing top. yes what is it PC Welsh he's sorry sir but mine keeps popping out all the time is there a knack to it yet Carol

shove it in harder who Eddie yeah that's what she said fact instead right come on let's fucking do this he's a good before how does he? Anyway, interior, Hotel DeVar restaurant, Beardsley and Welsh are seated at their table. John John is taking orders. The only other diners are Si and Dave, the hairy bikers. A customer approaches Chief Inspector Howe at the restaurant entrance. Good evening sir, do you have a fucking reservation? No I do not for I am Mr Sting from the massive house with the massive driveway and I have just taken delivery of the world's most massive serrano ham which is festering

in my massive barn so that Trudy doesn't clock it. Large table for one please and an extra soft cushion for my gorgeous ass. Okay alright. If you would like to fucking follow me sir. He seats Sting at a table in front of the chilled wine display cabinet. Your waiter will be over very shortly sir. First of all before you nick off I have some questions. For I'm a fucking wiser. Is this restaurant classy and upmarket?

Well we like to fucking think so. Right. Are there any nosy parkers in here? I can't stand nosy parkers and I don't want any more guests allowed in tonight. No the diners are very fucking discreet. Right. Next up.

Is the waiter of vampire? To be honest sir we're not absolutely sure he's a good lad though and you won't get any hardy fucking bargy from him. And tell me which is your most fancy bad love wine? It's the 1976 Montserrat. It's that purple bottle there just behind your fucking head. I'll think about it. Now send the creepy waiter over instantly and without hesitation. I will go service you all the very fucking best with your menu selections. Interior Restaurant. Denise and Carol's Table. I knew it. No eggs. Just fancy fucking French shite. I think the soufflé has eggs in it Carol.

Aye it does but it's hidden egg. I need to be able to see the egginess of the egg. I'm the same of pancakes and meatballs. If the egg's hidden then the food's forbidden. Interior Hairy B egg's hidden, then the food's forbidden. Interior, Harry Byker's table. Dave. This is nice, isn't it, Si? Yeah, it's like a posh party, isn't it? All the walls and all the things are like a wonderful treasure filled with, filled dream. Yeah, the sort of dream that your hope will never end. What do you love more, things or dreams? It's got to be things, because things are real. Interior restaurant

entrance. George Clarke, the architect, architect arrives good fucking evening sir wow well this is an amazing space it makes amazing use of light and reflection have you ever thought of installing a feature wall of glass to make it even more amazing no not more fucking cool mate listen I'm sorry but I guess mr. Sting doesn't want any more diners in the night So that's a fucking hammer blow for you Hey, no worries, it's been amazing just seeing this amazing space and get a glance at the amazing mr. Sting I'll just I'll just hop down German kebabs they're doing some amazing things with grey meats.

Well it all would have messed with that fact that there was an interior Sting's table. I will have a massive steak a massive bowl of chips and a Kelly Whaley with the squirty cream on top and I will take that classy purple bottle of wine as a gift for Trudy to stop her getting all mad here if I'm home late. Oh no it's not there anymore or somebody else nabbed it. Close up of wine cabinet. The purple bottle is missing. Right everybody stay exactly where you fucking are. I'm Chief Inspector Eddie Hall from Geordie and someone in this restaurant is a fucking thief how dare you include me in that accusation I have a good mind that don't even have a good mind

how dare you include me in that accusation calm down Mr Stink it's not personal I'm just doing my fucking job carol denise please search the hairy bikers and mr sting out of my fucking way waltz im searching mr sting and it could get very fucking personal denise searches the hairy bikers hi lads can you put your hands out to the side and spread your legs please. Dave, hee hee hee. This is like a party game where everyone is smiling just because of the fun, things and that.

Ah, do you agree Si? Yeah, it's like unwittingly we are out of our comfort zone and living life in the moment you know, like we did when we were kids Chief mr. Howe all clear over here? Carol searches Sting. Put your arms out to the side and spread your legs. No chance! Do it or I will grip your balls so tightly they will subdivide into their individual cells until they are indistinguishable from a fork and paste oh yeah no problem madam officer all clear sir

well that's a fucking mystery no doubt a fucking bad come on we better pack up here and rethink our fucking strategy hold on hold on hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I've just written a song in my head that will raise your spirits and make you adore this incredible moment. Mr Sting picks up his lute and begins to sing. Oh Mr Sting, yes Mr Sting, he's over six feet tall. Oh Mr Sting, that Mr Sting makes's over six feet tall Oh Mr Sting that Mr Sting makes sure the fork looks small He drives a right red space car and he owns

a lithium mine Oh Mr Sting now here's the thing he didn't steal the wine My wee wee is dark Cut to back alley behind German Kebab House mr. George Clark is sat in his car with a doner in one hand and a bottle of purple wine in the other this is an amazing taste that's the end so did you follow the story under you Nick the wine I wasn't paying attention it was George yeah he's having it around the back of the kebab house so I got I've got a script for the upcoming episode of Geordie Heat got an extra from it yeah I thought I'd read it out

it's a nice nice one this week all right then so Geordie Heat crime on the time hot Geordie nights Geordie streets full of crime Geordie Heats Interior Geordie Heats incident room Chief Constable Amanda Stervley enters the room everybody stands to attention. Eddie Howe. Good evening Chief Constable, how very fucking lovely to see you. Amanda Stavely. Just call me Amanda baby. Hey guys, would any of you like some silk hankies or exotic fruits courtesy of Amanda Baby? John John Shelby. Have you got any blood oranges Amanda Baby? No, they're far too everyday for Amanda Baby. I've got Russian figs and Colombian drooping pears.

Any takers? Carol Beadsley. You got any eggplants Amanda Baby? No I'm afraid not. They're too bulbous for Amanda Baby's taste. Do you all like my hair and my trouser suit? All. Yes Amanda Baby. Yes Amanda Baby. Then I like you all too. Keep fighting crime on the time for Amanda Baby Eddie We will use all our best fucking endeavours Amanda Baby. You can rest a fucking chew to that. Amanda leaves just as the phone rings. Denise answers Hello, Jordy Heade fighting crime on the time. How can I assist your pet?

It's me, Mr Sting from the big house with the massive drive and the massive space dog and a massive car that can fly underwater. oh hello mr. Sting how can I help your pet? I need squad cars specially trained hunters and a mobile prison sent to the massive house this very minute and chop chop. what seems to be the problem sweetheart? There is a gang of bikers turning around my grounds and making a right racket. Trudy is so scared she's climbed inside her massive yoga bell. Oh that sounds awful.

I'll dispatch a squad immediately. Do you want to stay on the line? No I don't. Oh why is that pet? Because I'm eating a massive hot dog with the world's hottest mustard on it and I need to give it my full attention goodbye. Exterior Sting's massive house. A Ford, a Ryan, and Geordie Heath squad car stops halfway down Sting's massive drive. PC's Beardsley Shelby and D.I. Howe emerged from the car. They observed two motorcyclists meandering around the field adjacent to the driveway.

Mr Sting approaches them. You took your time. You need to get a supercar like me. Now arrest these hells angels and rub them open. Tell the mam and Nat. The squad beckon over the bikers. As they approach we see that is Si and Dave, the hairy bikers from the TV. Dave, Hi guys, I love your uniforms. Do you like your uniforms? We do. Would you like to come for a ride on our bikes and go see things? We love seeing things don't we Si? Yeah, especially on our bikes. Do you do you like bikes we do Carol Beardsley

hold on I know you too you're the ultra mo sorry that sting hold on I know you too you're the ultra mobile TV chefs you got me new egg recipes I nick off ya. Dave funny you should ask we have a new recipe called a hairy egg it's a boiled egg inside a coconut. I'm nicking that it sounds fucking delicious. John John Shelby why have you two got beards I hate beards they obscure the neck and get in your teeth if I go in for a munch Dave we like beards do you not like beards we do it's sun isn't sunshine nice do you like sunshine sigh I do like sunshine but I also like clouds have you noticed some clouds look like puppies? I have. Have you Dave? Dave? I've noticed that sigh and it makes me feel young. Well you don't stop maddering on. What do you think you are doing turning about on your

motorbikes on my massive field? Your bikes is shit anyway. You should have space bikes like me that run off energy plasma and invisible pulses. Carol Beardsley, I fucking hate pulses me. Give me an egg any day. John John Shelby, I love a pulse, especially in the deck area. Whoa. Eddie Howe, right, I've had enough of this fucking bullshit. Will everyone shut the fuck up, please?

Now, you two ultra fucking mobile chefs what are you doing riding your bikes around on Mr. Sting's field without permission good question inspector gets right to the heart of the issue I commend you to the commoners as your prince and super president Dave we do have permission Mrs. Sting invited us round to cook a nice tasty casserole for her after a gong bath. Carol Beardsley. You're serving it with eggs? Dave. No, don't be a silly billy. Ah, well you can stick up your hairy arses then and drive it to Penrith on a fucking unicycle.

John John Shelby. Will it have blood sausage in it or raw kidney? Sigh. No, it's vegetarian but fun. John John. Well, like Carol says, you can unicycle that bowl of shit straight to Penrith and don't stop on the way for fart-off it's just curious this thing that your wife invited them onto the fucking premises oh I was wondering a bell that she was getting caters in for after her gong nonsense well it seems like there's been a fucking misunderstanding in regards,

so I guess we've not needed any further. Not so quick, Mr Inspector. I insist you are rewarded with a rendition of my latest song, so that you can go away refreshed and inspired. Dave, oh, I love songs. Do you all love songs? I do. Sting. Here goes. Oh, Mr Sting, yes, Mr Sting. He ran a thousand miles.

Oh, Mr Sting, that Mr Sting. Much faster than Harry Styles. He saved the maiden and killed the foe. And then he rebuilt the village with space bricks for their density. Oh, Mr Sting did a wonderful thing. 6-1-11 rhyme. My wee wee is dark. Dave oh what a lovely happy song. Did you not like it? I did. But the Geordie Heat squad have already gone. already gone. That's Geordie Eat. What did we learn from that Andy? Oh man I don't know I need a dweller I think and then see if there's any lessons that come out later on once I've once it's kind of fermented a little bit inside my mind. Okay well

I'll give you that opportunity. Do you think we learned anything from it? Well were you listening? What is what are Mr Sting's space motorcycles powered with? Oh it's like question time now. Yeah. I can't remember. Energy plasma and invisible pulses Andy so you do need to get back and do your homework on that. Right. back and do your homework on that right Jordy Heath yeah so got tiny bit of scripting from the nutflix series you know Jordy Heath and as I was saying just wonder when I read it whether they're starting up a bit of a romance to keep the viewers intrigued yeah that's a nice thing to intrigue people with the romance isn't it Andy? Can't hurt.

Can't hurt can it? What's the poshest hotel in Newcastle? Hotel De Va? I dunno, asking these questions like that for? Alright, I'm interuptious. It might be, nights. Geordie streets full of crime. Geordie heat. Interior Hotel de Vam Bar. Amanda Stavely has sat on one of the comfy sofas in the small bar sipping an espresso martini through a straw. Amanda Stavely is sat on one of the comfy sofas in the small bar sipping an espresso martini through a straw. Amanda leans back into the sofa and gives a bored but contented sigh. She takes a suck on her goosey vape and blinks 20 times for good luck. The man seated at the bar turns around and approaches her.

Why hello youngish lady, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr Sting and I live in a massive house with a massive gates and a massive drive and a massive chimney that casts a shadow over the whole of biker. How do you very much do da do da do? Well hello Mr Sting. Well hello Mr Sting. Hello Mr Sting. I've heard so much about you. Mainly your looterry and your massive things. I'm Amanda Stavely but you can call me Amanda Baby. Do mind if I join you Miss Stavely and regale you with tales of futuristic technology and hydrogen particle gadgets why not at all and please it's Amanda baby come take a seat here on the sofa beside me thank you Amanda Amanda baby that? Amanda baby loves the sound of bells they

awoke they awaken the soul am I right or am I right? 100% correct did you know that I am the fastest runner and highest jumper and quickest welder in Northumberland and that is an actual fact verified by the Air Force and the secretive space army of which I happen to be the boss Wow Amanda Baby knew you were a big deal of a man I think we make a good pairing am I right or am I right? now listen up to Amanda Baby Mr Sting are you aware that I rub almond and chitoborah resin into my legs arms and stomach every morning gives my skin a delicate smooth sheen

like Christmas butter take a look at my legs am i right or am i right? very nice legs indeed a man baby I shall have a pop on my horn to acknowledge their beauty wow I like a man with a horn in his hand shall we get another drink maybe but before that I would like to see your song on my lute that I have just made up on this very spot. Sting takes out his lute. Oh Mr Sting, yes Mr Sting, in the Hotel Devin. He met a man, the baby, and decided he must sing. Her skin was like a wax, her legs were long and thin.

A perfect combination for the princely mr sting my wee wee is green oh that was beautiful am i right or am i right i could listen to you all night if you're free to be with amanda baby Amanda Baby. At that moment PC JJ Shelby rushes into the bar. Sorry to interrupt you Chief Inspector Stavely but... Amanda Baby. Sorry to interrupt you Amanda Baby but a pro wrestler is going ape shit in the coach station and we need you to talk him down from the top of the bus Sorry, mr. Sting, but I have to go we must do this again. Am I right or am I right? Yes, we must Amanda baby. Oh good luck with the wrestler if you need any help I'm happy to authorize the use of one of my space army invisible drones.

That's very kind. But one look at me and he'll climb off that bus like a baby to its bottle. Am I right or am I right? Till next time, I am and remain Amanda Baby. She leaves with John John Shelby and Sting sits alone on the sofa waiting for a lift home. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! It's only a little extract but it looks like maybe, do you know what I mean? Yeah, slightly mournful pops from him at the end there after she gone as well. Geordie Heat Andrew I did manage to get hold of a bit of script from the upcoming series Geordie Heat on Netflix still hasn't got a release date due to various problems

occurring in problematic areas but you can have problems yeah there's a lot of problems in the in problematic areas they tend to cross in areas yeah so nights. Geordie Streets full of crime. Geordie Heats. Exterior abandoned race track. Mr Sting has just arrived trackside to test drive his new plasma powered supercar. Trudyy his wife is asleep in the massive stretch Mercedes by the Hut the Hut that has a toilet bowl in it but no seat Sting oh look at my supercar Trudy it's got massive wheels massive wipers massive brakes and can go a thousand miles an hour without even breaking a sweat I intend to drive it around the world in one hour. What do you reckon Trudy?

Sting turns to hear Trudy's response but she doesn't open her eyes and just slips an onion and coriander flatbread onto the dashboard to indicate thatists pull up next to Sting. It is Si and Dave, the hairy bikers. Alright mate is this your car? It's really canny like, says Si. Yes it is. This is my plasma supercar. If it is actually any of your business. Now move along please. The force is created by the car could quite easily rip your tits off and that is a hard cold fact Dave it's such a pretty car would make a lovely centerpiece for a fun day or a kiddies jamboree I like it's bright red it reminds me of Rudolph the reindeer does it remind you of that sigh it does me aye and also the bright red asses on the monkeys.

How dare you liken my super-cat to a monkey's ass! I think you'll find that your faces look like the inside of the sump of a shit farm. And that is a hard-called and unfortunate fact. Now leave this track immediately as I have hired it for my own exclusive use and enjoyment. Go on, go on, go off and fuck a puppet on the moon. Sigh. No, no can do sir. We've hired the track all day and I have the receipts here in my hairy hand. You tell him Sigh, we have the receipts in Sigh's hairy hand.

hand. You tell him Si we have the receipt in Si's hairy hand. Well here's some news for you. I have a copy of my receipt here on my massive pulse powered phone which I'm holding now in my beautiful loot playing hands. My receipt is bigger and more electronic so I am the winner. Please leave the track before I'm forced to call Jordy Heath squad. We're not scared of that bunch of farty jars. You'll be if they send PC Karen Beechley. Aye says Dave she is a worry but we have a dozen scotch eggs in our pannier bags she'll be like putty in our hands when she sees them do you think so Dave I do. Well we shall see about that. Sting gets on the phone to Geordie Heat HQ. As he does so the hairy bikers park their motorcycles either end of Sting's supercar blocking it in. Sting goes and stands outside Trudie's Mercedes

waiting for the Geordie Heat squad. He knocks on the passenger door window but she keeps her eyes closed and places a cloud-burying asparagus post meditation bar on the dashboard to indicate she is not accepting visitors. Close up of meditation bar. It is manufactured by Not Cut Paper Mills of Dundee. Exterior Sting Supercar. chief inspector Eddie Howe and commissioner Amanda Stavely exit the Ford exit the Ford tittle mouse squad Mr Sting approaches them what about time too oh hello Miss Stavely how lovely to see you I'm too! Oh, hello Miss Stavely, how lovely to see you. It's Amanda Baby. I love your supercar. It's plasma powered, am I right? Yes, and it has nitrous injection, set up for super wolves and stunt work. Amanda, nitrous, you can't beat it, am I right?

Eddie Howe. So, what seems to be the fucking problem here Mr Sting? it's very simple I booked the track all day for my exclusive use and these two fucking mobile farmers have turned up claiming they have booked it as well I require you to boot them off seize them seize their bikes for research. Oh a double booking situation very fucking inconvenient for both fucking parties. I have an electronic receipt and their receipt is a simple handwritten one which could easily have been forged so I am the winner. Amanda approaches the hairy bikers. Hi, I'm Commissioner Amanda Baby. How are you two guys today? Looking

for some fun, am I right? Yes, says Dave. We booked the track to go dead fast and ride without our helmets because our beards get trapped in the straps, don't they, Si? Do you think they get trapped in the straps, Si? I do. Si, aye, and that clown over there reckons he's booked the track for the day which can't be right as we have a handwritten receipt signed by Johnny Pompous the track owner Amanda mr. Sting also has a receipt and it's electronic which sounds a lot more fancy and proper am I right Dave well electricity is very

complicated and important so maybe you are right well hold on here comes the track owner Johnny Pompous maybe maybe he can clear this up they all they all gather around Johnny Pompous. Eddie, so Mr Pompous, we see a double fucking booking situation on our fucking heads. Here, can you shed any light on what's fucking occurring? Oh, you've got quite the rough tongue on you, haven't you, sir? Did you get out of bed expecting plaster of Paris and all you got is grout don't get lardy done with me Johnny fucking pompous I'll lump you so hard you'll end up fucking a puppet on the moon oh what's a peasant always a peasant lay a

finger on me I assure you my lawyers will squeeze you so hard your pasty face will transform into a beetroot. Permission to fucking lamp him Amanda Pivy? Amanda, no need for that Eddie, Eddie. So Johnny Pompous, can you tell us which one of these parties actually booked the track today? Oh, oh more importantly which of us booked electronically and therefore is the winner? Let me check my Google Android ah

yes it was booked for the day by mr. Gordon Sting of the massive house with the massive try. Catch it I'm the fucking winner. Oh mr. Sting like mr. Sting he booked the track online Oh mr. Sting yes mr Sting, electric wins every time. Yeah, alright Mr Sting. Enough with the song and the fucking dancefloor sense. Mr Pompous, the two farmer lads have a handwritten receipt. How do you fucking explain that? It must be a forgery. I never, and I mean absolutely never, put pen to paper these days. It's just too much of a perfor faffle.

As he's saying this the hairy bikers run to their machines and roar away to make their escape forgery forgery get out of the parish Amanda the cheek of it are my rides Eddie well there you fucking garbage distinct we'll leave you to enjoy your track day and I wish you all the best in your endeavors and for the fucking future." Amanda giving Sting a wink. Cheerio Mr Sting.

Sting. Oh see Amanda baby. Geordie Squad leave the scene and Sting opens the door to his supercar. Just as he does so the horn on the Mercedes blasts out and Trudy places a goats milk and bumberry smoothie on the dashboard indicating that it's time to go home as she has her bark and sea scum rubbing booked in the town centre. Oh come on Trudy I'll just put supercar away in the massive garage. Under his breath. I bet a mander baby wouldn't treat me like this

Looks like Sting's got the hots for Amanda, who wouldn't? Could be a love triangle, a situation emerging there, yeah.