Athletico Mince - The Slaughters Collection Vol. 2

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

A compilation of Bob’s visits to spy on Adrian Lewis at the Slaughters restaurant from Parsnips 5 to Mince 109. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey so Andy I was up near Alley Pally in North London last Thursday. Oh are you? I actually just went up so I could pop into slotters because I knew Adrian, Adrian Lewis darts player would be in there Yeah, yeah, usually is there isn't a yeah. Yeah, it's his regular day You see he's had a falling out with Ron crags Right and Ron is away doing community service on third. All right, it's been a bit of a snooker Yeah, yeah got got a table and listen to in on Adrian and the waiter like I always do you know what I mean? This is how it went. Good day to you once again sir, and welcome to this, the hanging gardens of grisly fuck.

Oh, oh, what have you got in that dirty, dirty, cookery hole for me today? Well, for starters, we have a triple bullied, Roodkill platter. Oh, Roodkill, oh fuck me, I can feel a lengthy squirt coming on already. Is it garnished with anything? Of course it's fucking not. You can glance at a photo of a leaf if you start to feel unusual though. Alright a safety net I like it I like it. Well we don't want sir slipping into a meat coma do we? This is why I keep coming back, now what else have you got?

You might like to try a burst status sir, bae What the fuck is that when it's at home? A massive bottle of ox dripping sir Oh fuck right off you crafty bastard No you fuck off How do I consume said ox ball off a fork? No, you just sit up straight, nice straight back and I fire it into your face with a pop gun.

Oh, and can I get it doused in raw gravy first? I'll pass that request on to the chef for you, you twat. Right, let's get on to the mains. Right, well, we've got hand-lazered osprey, accompanied by a tiny bungalow made from oven-shrunk dinosaur feathers. Fuck yes, that's the meal of a powerful man who does not give a fuck about any of the consequences. Put that in me and I'll stride around the dark circuit like a Japanese emperor. Wait, oh, you could say. And this is a ripe old heap of unwanted fuck.

Pan-wankered hamster dads dished up with a tiny heap of unwanted fuck pan wankered hamster dads dished up with a tiny heap of posh food. Fuck that's edgy hamsters. That's a bit near the knuckle you fucking asshole. So fucking sorry about that. If it's any consolation sir, the hamsters were all nubbets. Alright, oh go on then. Go on and plate it up and I can write a blog about it tonight after I've slept on it.

I believe in you sir, I really fucking do. Oh thank you. How about a dessert? What have you got that'll drench this man nappy that I'm sporting? Perhaps sir would like to chance his arm with a pack of ten edible cigarettes. They're fashioned from cured chimpanzee sphincters and stuffed with pulped lemur teeth. Fuck a doodle doodle, Andy, I can see myself struggling to expel those bastards for the next month. Anything to go with it at all, sir? Yes, just the usual tankard of hot meat juice and a side dish of trotters, you magnificent fucker. Very good, sir. I'll bring a bison's gallbladder for your St. Bernard to attack as well.

And get a fucking fart on before I start ingesting this nappy and that Andrew was it that was my trip to slaughters lovely stuff did you enjoy it I did it's gone a little bit it has a little bit from enjoying it I suppose there will one day there will be consequences um of you doing that voice uh Probably one day down the line yeah maybe I'll just grow old with a kind of a sexy Barry White voice. Maybe. You've got Barry's body anyway already. Very good. So Andy I was up near Alexander Palace again last, right again last week. So I passed by slaughter. So I As it were OBV yes, I popped in it's nice in it Oh, very nice. So Adrian Lewis had just arrived before well, I don't know if he'd or agent loose was already there

Yeah, and he was just being seated. So I sat down in the booth next to him and had a good old listen All right, this is how it went Good afternoon, sir. how was life finding you today? Oh cut the small talk you slack bastard and get me fed the fuck up. Of course sir, so fucking sorry sir. Make yourself comfortable, open up your gullet and allow us to take you on a magical fuckery tour did ye? Oh yes you filthy meaty hero.

By the time we're done with you, sir, your large intestine will be so full, it'll think it's an all-inclusive holiday camp. Oh, fuck, what have you got for a starter today? Can I recommend the soup, sir? It's made from the boiled up gastric juices of a panther, with some fruit flies scattered out of... Fruit? Fruit?

Erm, yes, it's the culinary name for the flies Nackers, sir, nothing to worry about Oh good, glad to hear it Put me down for some of that Does it come in a bowl or in a bucket? Bucket, sir Next time, if you order it in advance We can have it pumped straight up your anus when you arrive.

Oh, I like the sound of that, you twat. And how about your main today, sir? Hang on, hang on, hold your horses. What's that abominable smell coming from the kitchen? I fancy a bit of whatever that is. Oh, that's nothing to do with the menu, sir. Ron Craggs' personal physician is here, changing Ron's bandages for him. Ron's giving his wounds a bit of an airing at the moment. Oh, well dip some white bread in it and I'll have that on the side.

As you wish sir. Right, we've got two choices for the mains for you, did you? The hormone fuelled tits of a koala bear, slow roasted in a pair of monkey knickers. Oh, stop it, I am there. You've got me. What a flavour were the hormones. It's beef. Oh, I'll have it. And whatever the other thing is, because the koala tits don't sound very filling. Option two is some herbs. Tell me more. It's just fucking herbs, man, to mark your neat little nose.

True, true. Tell you what, I'm in a bit of a hurry, just mush it all up in a carrier bag and I'll wear the bucket round me neck as I go about me business. Very good sir. And then, just then, Ron Craggs, he came out flying out of the kitchen and asking if anyone wanted to lick him so I just made a sharp exit and he... Yeah, you probably did the right thing there. Do you think I were right to do that? I think you did the right thing, you think I were right to do that?

You did the right thing you don't want to be offered a good old lick on Ron Craggs's wounds. As you probably know it's International Restaurant Week and I'm joined in the studio today by one of the country's most celebrated chefs none other than Ron Craggs. Hello Ron. I don't know what a lot of them words actually mean. Wonderful. Thanks for coming along. Now you're the resident chef at Slaughter's Meat Restaurant near Alexandra Palace. Would you say you have an overarching philosophy in your work there? What? What are you saying?

I suppose I'm wondering if you could describe your work or dare I say your craft in a single line Ron? What would it be? I'm trying to get inside my head. You're my quack quack doctor. Look man, I just cook meat all day, just in types. Like really hot, not so hot. Stunt hands, not even cooked. Can't fucking stop. So it's like, it's almost like a calling. It's like your life's mission. Look man, I just cook what comes in there.

Blow up, drop, get off at half nine. And I cook what's left in the buckets. Heart goes boiling up with taste and glow. Send it home with me mam. Ah, are you a scholar of any of the culinary pioneers? What are you talking about? Ask you now, I got started. I used to find dead rats down the precincts and chuck them in the vasium. Well I was eleven, you can fucking stare a lazy abhorrent for hours, man.

I'll lose it, self. Do you socialise with any of the other top chefs in London, Ron? Are there any kindred spirits on the scene? My chance of being fucking friendly, also. What's the question to you, I don't know. Maybe you should tell me about your life, then. No, Ron. Meat restaurants are almost derry-gir these days as a man who's worked solely in meat for decades now.

Do you feel a sense of responsibility? Derry-gir? Who the fuck are they? What the fuck are you groggin' on about? Are you taking the fucking piss out of me? Do you want me to come over there and wrap me tender as there only a fucking break no sorry sorry Ron no offence intended look hang on hold on hold on well I just loathe in this blondage it's giving me bright fucking balick oh Jesus Christ no

oh that's eased it a bit the ooze can come out now lovely oh run oh runigs thank you. Andy I was up at the Ali Pali yeah watching where the darts was going to be played. The darts world was on yeah all championships was on. And obviously I checked in to S the slaughter's have a look at their Christmas menu sampling you know it's nice yeah so nice done it of course Adrian's there sitting in a throne like a Christmasy throne they put in for him meat King yeah he's earned that I reckon I reckon anyway I sat down in the booth

by the door okay and you know and this is basically what I heard, yeah? Here it goes. Welcome along, sir, to our tirade of festive fuck, an angry assault on all essences, delivered with a dash of yuletide glee. Oh, yes, strap me in and ram it right up my face hole. Allow us to lead you on a sleer ride up to the condemned cellar of the grotto of fuck, and back again before we start sir would you like to wear this festive paper crown oh yes yes yes

okay so I very much would here you go put it on oh it feels a bit waxy and you know if it's a bit waxy are you sure it's paper? it's a kind of paper it's actually made from the dried skin of a chihuahua. Alright, okay. It was made by a body, sir. It feels right. This isn't just for Christmas, is it? No, it is fucking not, sir. What's on this Christmas menu then, you purveyor of scourge flesh? Well, for starters, sir, you can try the hospital bedpan filled with pigs in blankets.

That sounds a bit fucking conventional for my sordid tastes. Well, the pigs in question are actually Ocelot's anal passages stuffed with boiled wildebeest tits. Fuck me, that's indecent and what about the blankets? I'm not at liberty to divulge about the blankets, but suffice it I say, sir, Santa Claus has got one less elf helping him out this Christmas. Hope, hope, hope, bring me that bedpan right away and I'll have a side order of fried bread in a separate bedpan. Would you like your man to come with it as well sir? Of course I would, who do you think I am? Fucking Nigel fucking Slater.

As you fucking wish sir, the man is Turkey with early trimmings. With trimmings? Yes, it's been drizzled with liquied nerves from a really, really big mouse. Exemplary as always, and what's the dessert? The dessert, due to its popularity last Christmas, we've brought back the fresh dog egg doused in creamed pus from one of Ron Crax's wounds. Oh, did you hear my sweaty tits leap to attention and start to hulking back, just turn.

Yes, that should have been just then, sorry. And I bet just then them. Yes sir, I very hulking did. I think I need a triple dose of that abominable treasure you terrible hulker. Right, well, Rune says if he'd like to sample it in advance, he'll come out and you can gently lap at his wound. No need, I trust John's judgment like I trust the perpetual

revolving of my own rancid guts. Has your fucking worst sir looked like I served separately today? Just mountain it all on my lap and bring a massive fucking ladle. Oh, and is there anything for me St. Bernard? I've still got the wildebeest rib cage and I'm putting it down in the car park for him to roll around inside and suck on. He'd like that. I'll go out and join him once I've finished in here. Yeah, you should.

And then the waiter went off to the kitchen, but, Andrew, to be honest with you, I had to leave shortly after that because of the stench. I'm not surprised it sounds very intense. Intense rich smells coming from Ron's kitchen. I wasn't quite up to it. Too rich for your tastes. Yeah I found my end point you know. But I'll be back after Christmas. Back to the normal menu. Okay. normal menu okay so the other day I was up near Ali Pali again yeah ray gun shop was shut oh right so what you do instead then? No sells unnecessary. Oh shut as in forever? I never get my ray gun back so I popped into Slaughter's restaurant yeah

what happened in there then? Adrian Lewis was in there obviously so I grabbed a booth and listened to what went on mm-hmm so first thing I heard was the waiter good afternoon sir good afternoon to you welcome back to Slaughter's and brace yourself for a meaty thrill ride all the way up to planet fucking back oh just as I fucking like it. How are the starters looking today? Disgraceful, sir. Oh, talk me through my choices.

Does sir care for finger food? Well, it sounds a bit fucking small, but I'll consider it. Well, we're offering deep fried fingers in a lager batter served in a thick grey gravy. Oh, grey. What's my other option? Poached germs smeared on a raw chap. 100 and fucking 80, give me both of them. You've got me tits rotating in both directions you meaty hero. Do you want to see? If you begin to show me your tits sir, I will rip them both off and penetrate you with them.

Oh fuck off. Oh, fuck off. Oh, you fuck off. Right, what about the mains, sir? Can I recommend to this special, sir? It's paraffin roasted donkey wattles that have been insulted by Ron Craggs as he cooked them. Oh, that's got me popping. What did he call them? Dirty bastards, sir. Oh, no further questions. I'd better order dessert now as well before my darting lingerie gets completely drenched.

Very good. Can I recommend the three bird fiasco? It's an owl that's been stuffed inside a peacock that's then been pureed and poured into a toucan's beak. Can you drizzle some knee juice on the beak for me to lick at? We're all out of knee juice sir, so fucking sorry about that. That's fine, I'll probably only have upset stomach anyway. Go and fetch all of that and I'll have a dessert boot full of hot dripping for a chess a while away. Very good sir. Oh, and have you got anything for me St Bernard? Hmm. He's got the runs by the way. Well, right, well, we found something mushy floating in the septic tank this morning.

Maybe a hedgehog, maybe a porcupine. Perfect, give him that you fucker. Thank you sir. Oh, by that time Andrew, to be honest, I've kinda lost my appetite so I just nicked it off. Understandable, understandable Bob. Hey I don't know if you heard this, it was on TalkSpot earlier on. The Slaughter's, you know the restaurant, the Meek restaurant, they're doing a home delivery service now. Oh nice one.

And there was an advert on for it, So let's have a listen to that. Now available. The Slaughter's Restaurant home delivery service. Place your order online and it'll be shipped to your home. You can choose between contact free delivery or a full contact experience from Ron Crax himself. So fucking sorry about that. This week's specials include goat liver pate that's had a load of flies rammed into it, rack of rhino silversrips slow roasted in a hospital incinerator in the middle of the night. Flies, slightly boiled. Teenage guinea pig cheeks, pureed and served from the top of a dull skull. And the slottest dirty burger, a raw beef burger, has been frosted with some muck

enjoy the slaughter's experience in the comfort of your own home and don't forget to switch all the lights off when you eat for the maximum experience no fuck off experience no fuck off there you go so I like the sound of that dish that was cooked during the night yeah like food I don't know I think you go on their Facebook page and order it through there or something like that also Andy about I don't know about a week before we were all isolated up I popped into Slaughter's restaurant. Alright yeah. Up at Alexander Palace. You're missing that are you? Yeah I'm missing it yeah Jesus me meat hit. Adrian Lewis was there he was just heading in just before me actually so I snuck in and got the boob right next to him so I could listen in

and well business as usual actually so first thing that thing that person who spoke was a waiter. Good afternoon sir would you like your regular seat? We've added a couple of gullies to it to drain off your excess sweat into. Oh very thoughtful of you yes what happens with the captured sweat? It gets recycled back into the cooking process, sir. Oh, ingenious, ingenious, but isn't that cannibalism? Probably, sir, yes. Good, good, fucking good, just checking.

Very good, sir. Right, well let's get a fucking fart on, lad. I haven't got all day, what are me starter options? You can have a choice between a pint of blue bottles that have been fried with Ron Krag's illegal 5G mast. Oh, it's like you've been reading my emails. Or caramelised slices of snake neck served in a baguette. Baguette, Foucault, for? Why you trying to smuggle bread inside my guts? Calm the fuck down, sir. It's actually just a hollowed out rat.

Oh, Foucault, that's more like it. Give me that and the other thing that I've already forgotten about. I can feel my glands pulsating already. Very good, sir. Would you like to hear today's mains? No not really but I know you've got a job to do. Aye well you can choose between carried buffalo trotters that have been tossed together in a culinary cement mixer with some miscellaneous brains. Mmm Fork, oh I'm not sure about that. Brains tend to make me very bilious. So, fucking sorry about that.

What else have you got you to add? Fish fingers. Fish fingers? Fuck off. Oh, you fuck off. What's special about fish fingers? They're just monkey fingers, but the bingoliers didn't shark you, right? Oh, right, I suppose that'll do that'll do and then Adrian insisted on speaking to Ron Craggs the head chef you

know so eventually Ron came out. God. What is it? This is the best of me fucking important. I'm busy out the back trying to entrap a couple of fighting squiggles. Sorry Ron I just wanted to thank you for the newly modified drainage system in me seat. You've got fucking problems, fat lad. I've got an incurable obsession with liquid displacement systems. Watching it all on CCTV, it keeps me balanced. Come here, Ron. And they had a really long cuddle and it was really

lovely and I think I think I saw Ron lick Adrian's neck so I thought you know what I reckon it's time to leave so I did have you noticed have you seen that clip Andy of Adrian Lewis talking about slaughters? No. There's a clip of him yeah. Really? Yeah search it out, there's a clip of him saying that he doesn't eat like what they say that we say he eats.

Really? I've never seen it. I promise you. I'll have to have a look for that. Andy. Yeah. Extraordinary news right? Yes. Andy, extraordinary news right? And it's all thanks to those lads at Infinity Rocket Plastics

I've got to be honest. So what's happened, I'll tell you what's happened. I asked them to install some spyware, I took a chance and said can you get some spyware for me onto Adrian Lewis's computer? Oh, I bet they could. They're good lads at IRP, yeah. Dangerous, lethal. Good level of banter you get from them Andy, you know. Yeah.

Have a chat about music and footy and that. Would you trust them? I do trust them. I'll tell you why I trust them. The two brothers, Gary and Neil, and they're both Norwich fans. And that's a trustworthy kind of vibe in it anyway so I don't think they turn on you one day if it suited their needs no I know it's nice nice club in it good luck with that so if you ask me I was watching the feed into Adrian's

inbox and I saw an email trail from Slaughter's restaurant right basically it said they're doing fine during lockdown providing meat to various labs you know that are working on a vaccine and that and it said Ron Craggs had devised a special lockdown menu and as a valued customer Adrian would receive a box containing the food which he could eat along with Ron and the waiter in a special like zoom dining room yeah oh yeah so do you get the situation i do understood i tuned in on the evening of the meal and this is how it went Andy good evening sir and welcome to our virtual dining room i'm very pleased to have our award-winninginding chef, Rod Cragg's, present.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck thee, Ron Craggs. Hello, Ron. Hello, mate. Right. Have you got your menu boxes to hand? Fuck yes, they're on a towel on me carpet. And can you confirm that both boxes have been heated to 500 degrees for three hours to ensure the neutralization of all seepage, discharges and pus. Oh yes yes sir yes yes. Right, would you please take the lid off box here and Run will explain the dish to you. Over to you Run.

Fuck off! No you fuck off. Vox... Voxner contained in a deeply pummeled ox hat stuffed with marinated chicken ass and goat noses accompanied by rich coulis of sparrows ears and horse sick. Oh fuck fuck fuck, that's got me tits popping and me bollocks chopping I'm sweating like a pig in labor. You may now tuck in sir. Oh fuck I can't there's no fork in the box I'll have to go to the kitchen. Stay where you

fucking are and do not insult the chef round cracks. This dish is designed to be eaten hands free like trough slop. What did he say? He won't cut me. He can fork off if we say he wants vegetables next to soft foc. Calm down Ron, calm down. It was a simple mistake. You may commence dining sir. Good luck and remember nothing good comes from fancy food.

Oh, this is magnificent. Oh, the goat's honkers had a lovely crunch. And the acidity of the horse it cuts right through like a vinegary sword. He likes it round. Don't tell you fucking the odd. I spent all night hacking the Nordies off the goats. And they did not fucking appreciate it, I tell you. Will you now open Box B, please? Ron will explain the dish to you.

Box B contains a stew, a shoe stew. All the ingredients were marinated inside my old slaughterhouse wellies for two weeks. It's a stew of minced dotter bollocks, miscellaneous cube hoof, mouse chins, bryphen, bryphen flange and coir cap, all bound together with cockerel dicks and donnikebob fuss. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, me guts are making noises

that should only be heard by devil dogs and sewage operatives. Can I use my hands for this one? No, sir, very fucking sorry. You must put this directly into your mouth space from Box B. Tell them why, Ren. Box B is made... It's made... is made... Box B is made from the underbelly of a fancy poodle.

It's stretched, salted and... and hardened, you know, cobbled up piss. And that's a spicy kick the experience of... of fucking go, lad. Oh, fuck, it's gorgeous. Oh, it's a meaty waterboarding, where I'm happy to answer my captures' questions. Yes, it's superb.

And yes, Ron Craggs is a genius. Thank you, sir. Your virtual dining experience is now over. We have our next diner coming online, Mr Sam Allerdeich. Goodbye sir. Oh, see you son, see you Ron. Fuck off, fuck off you little bastard. So that was virtual dining at Slaughter's Andy.

Did you think that item was a bit like the movie It? You know where a clown's living in the drains? Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Oh hello Adrian Lewis here if you're looking for a Christmas with a difference oh my good friends at Slaughter's restaurant around the corner from the darts at the alley-pally will be supplying takeout dinners on the big day direct from the kitchen door around the back here's the hair restaurants head waiter with details about the special set menu. For your starter you can enjoy long forgotten prawns in a highly toxic petroleum sauce. Your main course will be lurry engine roasted road bird. We cannot guarantee the species but it will definitely be road sourced.

If you want it plucked please specify when ordering. Your bird will be served with a large mashed bowl of vegetable matter that has been deep fried in pangolin piss along with some lovely brain gravy. For dessert, you can enjoy a stewed goat's pancreas stuffed with mouth droppings and drenched in some fucking custard. Oh, that's got the fat pulsating through my log jam dateries. If that doesn't spur me on to win the World Arts Championship, nothing will. Here's Slaughter's head coach...

Sorry, here's Slaughter's head chef, Ron Craggs. Don't laugh, it will! Ron, there's one question on everyone's lips. Will your takeout Christmas dinner be Covid safe? Oh, that's a good question! Who knows? Meet us at all of B and all of W, we'll tell you a lot of mystery. Who knows? Meat that's always been and always will will be tainted in hellish mystery All that says is that I'll try not to sneeze into the plans

while I'm cooking I don't think there's much more that I can do than that Oh thank you Ron I'll see you round the back door on Christmas Day and don't forget my extra order of some hoof soup for me St. Bernard. Visit Slaughter's this Christmas.