Athletico Mince - The South Africa Collection Vol. 1

Episode Date: March 15, 2020

A compilation of Bob’s South Africa stories from episode 38 to 56… Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I did me shoulder in when I was doing an advert for Bia in South Africa, South Africa when I was doing an advert and what they did were what are you in the work? Do you know the film Zulu? Yeah, well we went to where the film the film Zulu and we built that encampment you know where they heroically held out. You created Zulu for a beer advert? Yeah, and our address does like Michael Care. Did you build it yourself? Was that how you did your shoulder? No, please. I would just put you in the environment. We're in the... Is it the desert in South Africa? It's not a desert. Plains, the plants. We're in the middle of nowhere in South Africa, yeah. Now, what happened was, as a warden that comes with you

when you go in the plains, I say, aetherfican fellow. Right. And he's there to protect you from snakes. Right. To be like a snake aware and all that and everything. So I got talking to him and he says the two main dangers out here, a something called the puffer there, and something called the black mumber. Right. Yeah, why are you laughing? I'm laughing at puff, and I'm laughing at the black mumber.

Puff mumber. He could be a footballer, couldn't he? Puff member, he could be a footballer, couldn't he? And so anyway, I got talking to him and he took me, I said, the Puff Adder is really short and really fat, yeah, probably only two feet long, but really, for listeners, Bob's holding his hands about two feet wide, you know, really thick, but the beauty of the Puff Adder is it ain't going to go for you, but if you stand on it, I'll or stand near it you're a goner. So what's this fella do then? So he keeps his eye he knows he can what you mean? He came now. Well, has he got a harpoon or something with him? I'll come to that. All right, okay, sorry. He's the warden, yeah, to the snake man. So I said I would really like to say your pufferder. Yeah, because you can go and look at the pufferger. Yeah, I really like to say your pufferder. So he says, well,

up in, he says, there'll be loads of them up there. He said, up in, we drove up in. It wasn't enough. It wasn't a land driver, but can I just say that I'm much prefer if someone, I know you're not supposed to call people to puff anymore Yeah, but if you do it's got to be P.U.F.F. and not this P or or F thing poof Well, I it's got a puff, isn't it? I think I mean from my point of view is a puff. I'm happy with that Yeah, I mean P.U.F.F When when I was young Didn't was there nothing to do with this sexuality?

Was it not? I don't think it was a nice thing to call someone, but in men you were cowardly. Right. You know what I mean? It's all tied in the nothing. Many, but carry on. So I go up and I have misled the listeners

because it wasn't a Land Rover. It's some kind of land, I don't know. I don't know, fake news. What this whole thing? Just a Land Rover, but yeah, I did fake news, do you up, fake news. What this whole thing. Just the ladder over a bit. Yeah, I did our fake news, do you up? Right up. And so anyway, we went off and fucking all of a sudden you're off by the way, Andy.

I'm saying it's all in its own habitat. Doing its chewing things, sad to say, you know what I mean. In what, in its natural habitat. Soslyx wildlife park. Yeah, the fucking plastic one. Soclex, wild life park, yeah, it's a good plastic one. So, we get out, there's a poor father, he says, it'd just be slow or whatever. You're gonna laugh at him, you're not giving me story,

you're just laughing at the poor fuck out of stuff. Right, we'll get rid of the poor father, but I said, I didn't say a poor father, we were approaching where the warden felt instinctively, there would be a puffer. Right, okay. What happens suddenly, he says, get back in a fucking vehicle.

Right, our character, was that any good? Get back in a fucking vehicle. Right. So what's fuck is happening? So I didn't instantly go as a fucking black manber coming out No black manber. I've told you before about the manber. I'm a bit upset because I'm a scary thing around in my life A black man was run They do here. They've got like a circle thing over there. They bounce. No, they go two thirds of the body raises up erect

Yeah, one one one What you laugh at erect? Sorry and one, one, one, what you laugh at, you're right. You're right. Sorry. And the final third, they coil and the runner, he got to 20 kilometers an hour. Yeah. So I'm thinking, now, so I ran to the, to the vehicle. And just as I slammed the door, yeah. The member hit the glass of my window and I mean,

didn't bite, it didn't penetrate. And all its venom come out and I swam it. Well you left the venom coming out. Sorry and all this it must be about half a pint of it this honey sort of colored stuff and then it disappears. I didn't know where it was. I looked out the front window, right? And it's sorry, he got out the fact he got in the car. He got in back of the car and he went out with a gun I had no idea whether it's a gun or a Tranquilizer gun or whatever, but with a gun Gets out to the front of the car and then he points the gun at me

We thought you were a puffer that. No or a puffer says mate. Now I've got to see the certificate. Mate I'm fucking inside. I'm a fucking rapist. Right? So I fuck. So I reversed the car. I won't go into the details of that. I had to keep down in the foot well. Right. Yeah. And just stay at best. I couldn't get away from this insane. Who hired this?

I don't know. So I got away from a job away, but when I, I, I, I think he was working in coo to the snake. Well, you do wonder. You do wonder. Snake was like a bit. And anyway, so that's when I damaged where I was just reversing blind, and I went smack in or bolder or something. Right. And I don't know, just because of the way my hand was reaching up to the

steering wheel, I just snapped some of the grease, some of the muscles, the tendons or something. Right. So so if we could like sort of defy I can use that story one by one basically you were down the precinct and you reversed it with ballad because you were smorgan or you were driving. Honestly it's not fake news. Can you just say once once more can you what was it get back in the fucking vehicle? Just send me a memory of it. Get back in the vehicle. No. I just say fucking vehicle. Get back in the fucking vehicle. That of it. See, get back in the vehicle! No. I just said fucking vehicle.

Get back in the vehicle. Get back in the fucking vehicle. That's it. That's a free ring torn for everyone there. You can use that as a ring torn. The The The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The about what happened with the snow since I was a kid. Where were you mamming with another thing? It's your turn to hear about it. I do. So I was there for about a week, not about 10 days.

I was staying in our town just next to the big football stadium that the built. You want to car park now? Is it? Car park, yeah. Everyone needs car parks. So a football stadium's a 10 a pernard, but is that the legacy they're really envisaged?

Not rast. Actually, they do boot set, they do sell it sales in there as well, so I had a sunda Well, that's good. Legacies are overrated I think You reckon? Yeah I mean, everything's a legacy, even if it's destroyed Yeah, there's a legacy, isn't there? I mean, peppers are legacy now Because peppers.com and bot

Oh God, I hope she finds them They hear my heart Get real Anyway, so I did deal, so I drove down Do you know South-Hap? I was Cape Town, but if you go down the bot, meet and go at the southernmost point of South Africa. I think it's called Cape, is it Cape with good hope? Cape Cod.

Cape Cod, whatever, Sera. And it's, as you go down, it's all like shit all. And that, you know? Yeah. There's like, you know, there's all these build, it's the legacy, isn't it? Part like it. Yeah. But it's a legacy, isn't it?

And not all legacies are good. Anyway, so you got, and then you suddenly, it goes back to like, like, Dutch British influence. And like, it's beautiful beaches seaside and all that all the way down. Bit racist. Bit what racist? Hmm. Why?

I just felt racist. That way you said racist. You put the Dutch English influence and everything's nice again. Well, I'm just saying you might want us to cut that out later on. And so there's a little place and I can't remember whether it's called Penguin Beach Hub something that makes me say it's called let's just say penguin box in the market for the sake of our advance of the story So I think I'll stop there that they'll get me a little meaty self down there and have a look at so I've never seen a penguin. I love to say penguin wouldn't you? As a penguin out there Boxed you're not being in Brazil penguin parade a parade. A penguin in its natural environment. Tell me about the penguin parade.

What happens? Every afternoon, one o'clock, the penguins come out, the penguin enclosure, and the visitors line the sides of the path, and the penguins go on a little parade in this little circular thing. And one of them is the King of Norway. One of the penguins is the King of Norway. Yeah. Well, he actually holds that tight. He does, yeah, that's true. It's not fake news, it's true. So, anyway, I go that was a parking and I park Mika, right?

And there's a little kiosk there for parking and there's some bloke with there. So I pay up. And I go down and it's a beautiful little cove. Turn a corner amongst the rocks is showing off there's penguin The fucking there's a penguin. Are you said penguin penguin? Penguin right they're calling Puffy They do the call Puffy and So I was taking a photo of it and then I hear this voice South African say give away from that fucking puffy

Is that right? Get away from that fucking puffy And it's the broke from the key on the broke up. No, but honestly is and he took a grab me and he took me up to the keyer's gun. He says I'm sorry about the accident I'm gonna have to find you mate for distressing the birds right so I'm in there with him and he's fiddling about with like a shitty little invoice book or something like that and then that was a moire I look out on the kiosk and there's a South African copper there with his revolver. Yeah, I promise you, right? And he says, get out of the fucking kiosk! He's a fucking gang bear! Right? He wrestles the floor and take frogmarches him to his car. Then he comes up to me says, now I've got to not be Australian here. Lucky. Lucky a Skype. Now that's Australian,

isn't it? Be Australian if you want. It's fine. See, if it's a lucky Skype there mate. This is his M.O.D. He hangs an hand blokes looking at the penguins. If they'd be full on ripes them. So I've only given you the bread and butter off it there, but life on South Africa's a bit like that. Yeah, you know what I mean? I've never been, but I'll think twice about going now. South Africa, quite a lot happened when I was over there and there's a little story I'd like to tell you. I was there for 10 days as you know. Yeah, so let's face it, I'm not going to be able to pull off more than 10 stories there. But on one of the days there's a really famous restaurant in Cape Town, people who have been there will know it.

It's like a VIP place, it's on the beach near the harbour. And you eat on the beach and they cook the food, then bring it out to you on the beach and that. You get a lot of, are you sponsored by the beach or something? You see it. You get a lot of like the Joe Hanna's Burg Rappers there. Yeah, and a lot of this, the Joe Burg beat boys. No, but this big news, you know, big, big news. The South African rap scene.

So I fell a rap at my son on a underground train in Barcelona once. What did he say to him? I'm going to see if that's for another podcast. Okay, so it's very exclusive. It's very exclusive. I'm going to do it's really exclusive restaurant. I want to emphasize that, right? Yeah.

It's a bit like a say for you, a bit like a phoenix restaurant in Sunland. Is that a push, right? So they have a gate there. You've got, you have, you, you, you can't just turn up. I got in there because the production company got me in there, they got bouncers on gates before you even drive to the restaurant. Really?

I just want to say it's important, you know, got flame lights on the beach and that weed falling to the head. Do you know Randal and Hopkirk, you know I did a show called Randal and Hopkirk on the telly? You surprised you bring that up, yeah? No, it's really, it was it. Yeah, nobody's really big in South Africa. Hence, do you have to go to like conferences and stuff?

No, I wouldn't know that sort of shit, but I'm saying that's what got me in there. I'm sat on the table, on the beach, and I see a block in a daft outfit, and that's why one walled to some food, so I'm beckoning them over and I say, I want boiled lobster. Right. And I said, please. Well, I probably did. I'm just setting on that. Alright, I want boiled lobster, please. But I said if it isn't fresh, I'll set fire to myself. Right. And the restaurant will look stupid. But that was called a joke.

Yeah. I mean, so he says, well look, mate, you can choose your own lobster from the lobster pots by the rocks if you don't man getting a little bit wet. Well Andy, I add, as you know I would, Michina or Shotson. And he said the water only come up to your knees, so I thought I'll go for it, but you pick me on lobster from the sea. We clamp over these rocks and we get to what is, it's actually artificial pool but it looks like it's part of the rocky environment. It shines this torch into the pool and in there you can see tens if not hundreds of lobsters and they really under the torch like it's a nice thing to, I love doing this. That's a nice thing to have seen and it's a bit difficult when you catch for it. So he shines his torch on the

lobster then he turns around really quickly cracks me around the head with his torch. Right? He says get in the fucking lobster, pit you prick. That's Australian, isn't it? Now that was all right. Get in the fucking lobster, pot your prick. Something like that. What the fuck are you doing? He says, shut your fucking face fat boy. Right. I'm Charna, the rapper. So shit, I didn't know.

I thought you were the wayer because you had this like gown on. Right. And it'll stop the accent. He says, do waiters wear, well, do wait, I can't, do waiters wear, gowns. I've got a goal.

The waiters, we're gans worth out of a 20,000 rent, Joe Boy, I have a time X go play, did watch, get in the fucking lab, slops the pot. And then he strikes me again with the torch, right? Now I managed to deflect this blow a bit with me, Armandie, which I'm pretty pleased about. Yeah. God I deflected it. I said look I'm really sorry if I was going to kill me.

I said I'm really sorry I thought you were the where you don't have to kill me. Then I need here another voice quite a calm voice in the darkness right. Put the torch down and back off the fat guy. That's not clearly one it. I can't tell anymore. Shines his torch up to the top of the rocks and there is too fee He's in a really notorious Cape Town rapper, right? He's got a gun. I've got his first time. I've ever seen a gun. Really a shiny gun Well, I was it. Yeah, that you know, he might not have had a gun, but as far as it he's in a black. I thought it was a gun Jesus thanks me. I think he was gonna kill me. He said just pick up a gun. Jesus, thanks, mate. I thought I think he was going to kill me. He said, just pick up a lobster. No

Just pick up a lobster and get back to your table. No, that's Aussie. So I climbed up the rocks to make me a skirm. And as I passed too Fee, I said, not really kind of you, but why did you help me? And he says, it's a pleasure Mr. Hockirk, give more respect to Mr. Randall. I saw a world dough. And he says, and by the way, he wasn't gonna kill you. He was gonna stick a lobster up your anus. Sigh. So that was a, that was a good idea.

That's not of killed you then. Well, I don't know. Can I just ask Andy, did you think that story was a bit like Castaway with Tom Anx? Yeah, a bit. Well, I don't know. Can I just ask Andy, did you think that story was a bit like Castaway with Tom Anx? Yeah, a bit. Well, I've never seen Castaway with Tom Anx and I kind of wish I'd never heard that story. So yeah, I'll say yeah.

Oh, that's nice. That was the idea. Have you got a South Africa story for us, Bob? Yeah, I have. Well, we're plowing through everything. When I was in South Africa, you know. I was staying at what you might call the reserve, you know, like a game reserve.

So you have these separate little huts and a central building where they cook the food and a barn, that's all. I got back from filming of really sweaty and tired, you know, but really hard days. Hard work, proper craft, yeah. And so I got me mail, it's always, Andy's always ostrich out there,

just cooking out with ostrich. Nice ostrich. It it's alright, but a bit tough to wear there cooked it, some potatoes and some sort of rat or two ofy. And next to my actual, so I took it back to the hut, it was too hot and I went back to my hut. And next to it there was this like big tarpaulin on poles and there was some crates under it, it was like a temporary thing, not a building, you know. But I thought it might be a bit cooler than my hut, which was like a freaking oven, yeah, a bit of the sun beating down it all day. When I said it was like an oven, and it didn't have like an ignition button or shelves or anything. Right, it's just, it was really hot, it was so clean.

So I go to the shelter and there's a book in the infrican scene and so, but I'm too embarrassed just to walk straight out, so I sit down on the box and he comes up and he says Which hut is your accommodation. No, that's absolutely wrong Said Africa which hut is your accommodation Which hut the other after you wrong are now you've spoken it Said Africa which hut which now we're gonna have to abandon it, I think. Sorry. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You had to try and finish off that South African one from last week. I could do it. Yeah. I think you should, yeah. Where is it?

A lot of people have been asking because they want closure. Okay, so just to catch you up and care, speak with them here. I was staying at this big right hotel that's in the middle of North, it's like a reserve. You get your own little hut. There's a central area there that's basically South Fukin' Ostrich for their breakfast, lunch and tea, right?

So I pick up the dish of Ostrich. I think I'll go back to it, I don't want it, it's really sweatier, I'll go out and have it outside me hut or whatever. But when I get to me hut, the hate from the hut is like all empowering. It's like, right, the entirety of a power democracy in a capsule. What? It's, you know what I mean?

It's just too fucking much. Democracy in a suit. Now next to me hut, there's this big tarp all in like on poles under which there's some crates and that. Like a temporary thing thing not a building You know what I mean, but I thought it might be a bit cooler than me hut Because that was like a fucking oven to be honest with you So I get into the shelter and there's a block in the corner. I ain't seen Right, but I'm too embarrassed just to walk straight out. So I sit down on a box. He comes up and he says

There we go go for it. See how difficult. Which is your accommodation? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Shit. Which is your accommodation? I can't help you.

I can't do it. It's that that's your accommodation. You can see it. So the figure in the book. Which is your own. Just do it like that. I can't do it like that. Which is your accommodation? Fucking hell. He says which is your accommodation? I'm going to rub. I'm going to fucking rub the shit out of it. Daily, Daily got it all done.

What's your main line? I'm going to rub. I'm going to rub. I'm going to rub. I'm going to rub. I'm going to rub. I'm going to fucking rub. I'm going to fucking rub the shit out of it.

Daily got it all done. What's your main line? I'm going to rub. I'm going to rub. I'm going to rub. I'm going to rub. I'm going to rub. I'm going to fucking rub.

I'm going to fucking rub. I'm going to fucking rub. The shit out of it. Daily, Daily got it all done. What's your main line? I'm going to rub. I'm going to fucking rub. I'm going to love, I'm going to fucking love the shit out of it. Daily, Daily Godot, what's your main accent? Oh yeah. That's a bit unexpected. Shut your English mouth.

I'm a motherfucker. You see anything? I'll ram this saddington up your anus. The head of the hotel security arrives, right? He's pointing a rifle at the blog and he shouts at me, get down to the temple, he shouts at him, he's a fucking gangbanger! So I back out and run into me, a few minutes later the head of the scouting bangs on my door, you're a case, I said, oh, go, hey, do you know he was gonna ram a side, he didn't turn up, turn up me ass, would he gonna ram a side? Ain't Tim, ten up me ass.

Would he really have done that? You barely would. He staffed the previous guest with a tin of corn beef and a bottle of bilberies. Fucking dead beggars, you've got to love him. You love him. Then he left. He left you.

I was, I was kind of say, I'm dead. Well, you think you, you salvaged it in the end. I mean, I won't try it. I get any laughs out of being there. I'll let it out the bits where you fucked it up at the start. We'll just try the pretend it did not. Should I do South Africa then? I will do I think.

I was in the hotel bar when I was over there watching football, right? Right. Just me and then a little bloke behind the bar called Sammie, little Sammie, little leaf fella. Lots of hunting stuff on the walls, zoo, loose spe spears, shields and that whips, that sort of shit. And I was watching Manu Knight of the Liverpool, he asked me, oh, I supported, Sammy did, I said, that's what, middle's bruh, he laughed, right? So I fired, and he laughed again, so I fired and we did this for a while. You're just a while. You're a people plays, aren't you, but... That's fun, yeah.

It's definitely not. Suddenly I hear the TV turn over at some obscure tennis tournament. It's a big, big massive Dutch Afrikaans block, yeah. I said, oh excuse me mate, I was watching the football. I don't care if you're playing, I don't care if you're playing in it, mate. I'm watching Federer. His ass is like a good to me.

Well, I got to speak again, but little Sammy gives me a look as if they just leave it, Bob. Leave it. Then the man turns to me. If you want to watch your lady ball, there's another TV in the conference room. So Sammy nods, points to the conference room. I take me paint through and I go in there. So I'm still in front of the TV with the conference room. So Sammy nods points to the conference room. I take me paint through when I go in there.

So I'm still in front of the TV with the remote me. I'm just trying, you know, we have to try and get the right input to get it. Yeah. When the big block strides in, take your trousers off and start feeding that remote control in Uranus boy. Well, he's a massive bloke and there's no one around.

So I think, yeah, I'll just start, I'll just start start taking me trousers off. Suddenly, Sammy comes in, he's got a spear in the shield and he's got the point of the spear right against the bloke's neck. Yeah. He says, there'll be no remotes fed into witnesses on my shift, man. Now get back in the fucking bar, rice and sugar. I'll probably should have done that South African should know. Is Sami so that fricking is it? Yeah.

There'll be no remounts fed into anuses on more shift. Now get back in the fucking bar rice and sugar. So rice and sugar leaves and Sami watches them all away. So thanks Sami. Why did he want to feed the remort into my ass? Sami says, just for the kudos, he wanted to kick you up the ass for to change channels fucking gangbangers you gotta love them

so I was in South Africa well yeah as you know last year it was and lots of things happened to you some terrible things happened to you so I was in the hotel I really fancy some chocolate. Do you ever get that? Oh, yeah. Usually it's gonna be a flake or buttons. The taste of them will just end up in my mind and I need them, right? I suck a twirl.

Oh, a twirl, a greasy twirl. With its greasy covering. The ripple was cooking greasy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Milk sauce.

Sort of. Oh, yeah. Oh, it works up there. So they didn't have any fucking, Yeah Oh yeah Walked up that so they didn't have any fucking yeah this they have this chocolate cooking chocolate at the hotel It's shit, so I thought I'll walk up. I'd say in a garage just normal garage shell garage So I think so I walked up the road see if they're doing it as I walked through the fork or there's a block like cleaning Sweeping up cleaning the pumps and that yeah, I, oh mate do you sell chocolate here? And he says, um, now mate, you need to go to Rudy's great selection. Blah your fucking mind. I said, I wear Rudy's and he spotted I was British. So he said he'd show me right off. I thought it was nice, nice of him. So we walk up

the road a bit. Um, he says he really likes the bounty. In fact he says, I prefer the bounty but the star bars are genuine beauty. What are you going to get? I say, I fancy a Mars bar, I might love a crunchy. Get to rules as he says, he says, white hair, Rudy doesn't lock the British. Give me the rands and I'll get the bars. And I only have a 10 round, yeah, to about five pounds. So I trust him, I give him, he comes out with a little carrier bag full of chocolate bars. Ask me where I'm staying, I tell him,

he says, oh, follow me, I know a shortcut. And he goes down this alley full of like, I got the ones, it was discocked like, full of dog dirt, bluest condoms, nappies, that sort of thing. And suddenly he stops and I imagine how awful this is and he pulls out a really long hunting knife, sharp, steel hunting knife. He says, take off your clothes and bend over so you know he's touching a dog bath. Well, the knife in the face, I'm told.

Yeah, then he hands me a dairy milk. All right, take it out of the rapper and move it into your anus. Oh, God, so I start taking off off the rapper and just then I hear another voice, get out the fuck out of here. You fucking gangbanger! It's Rudy from Rudy Store. He says, Hi, I'm Rudy, you okay? I says, Oh yeah, thank you so much. He was making me put chocolate

into me ass, so did you think he would have killed me? He said, you bet English, he would have bludgeoned you with a condom full of dogbeth. Fucking gangbangers, you've got to love him! And that's what another incident that happened in... I know the incident involved the exposure of your ears to... Yes, to a horrible strange country. It's a very bizarre country. Yeah, full of villains, full of heroes.

I thought they would have stopped after Mandela got out, but... No, seemingly not. Just carrying on like that. So one of the days when I was in South Africa I was filming in a set that's like it's a replica you know the film Zolo. Yeah it's like that it's got sandbags on the outside wall and a little hudson all that. I'm playing a British soldier waiting for an attack from Zolo's. All the other soldiers were just like white South African extras you know. So that's a nice pool of people to choose extras from in it and white South African. I'm in the classic period costume.

Can you imagine it, red it red jacket beige like sort of job per things. Right. And black boots like smart. What's smart? Yeah, and I'm holding a beer because that's what I was advertising. I'm crouching behind the sandbag wall with a little plump block called Richard De Freyrs. Oh, nice name. And it's a bit too de Freyrs. So on action, we have to crouch right down. And every time we do it it as I'm crouching the camera's going past on a track I feel what it feels like finger stroke the outside

of me stretch the jobpers. Sorry, carry on fighting or take. I'm not being fed up fellow so I turn on and say excuse me Richard but I'm sorry what do you're not fed up fellow, so I turn around and say, excuse me Richard, but I'm sorry, what do you think you're doing? And he says to you differently. What are you talking about? I say, are you stalking my trousers just adjacent to my anus? He says, no, I'm not my boy. No, that wasn't wrong.

See, a difficult, probably a cheeky snake or round a fucking minis they are and I love an anus. I said, all right, it's local, that would explain it. I'm really sorry, mate. So, yeah, this cold, nice cold beer, you know, man, the steak and all that. Well, after that, we get on quite well and we arrange to make for breakfast the next morning, because he's got a boat on the marina, and then we get on a boat for he says, he'll do breakfast for me there. He says, tell me the boys are blue boat with big,

bright orange flags. So, I'm early in the next day, and I met me where to the, I was like, oh, I'm going to be breakfast for me there, he says, told me the boy is a blue boat with big bright orange flag, so I'm early in the next day and I made me wear to the marina. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! That's there's a scruffy blue board with their orange flag, I reckon that's it, there's a block on the deck. I ask her, says, this Richard to be at De Freyr's Joke boat, boat, he nods, beckons me on board. He opens the door to the galley and points for me to go down. He hasn't said a word, right? Now Andy, do you think that he hasn't said a word because it's like ominous or because I struggle with the accent? I'm not that bothered. Okay, anyway, as I step down, he pushes me from behind and I fall down the stairs, yeah.

I hurt my shoulder. Alright, back my shoulder. That's not a very nice place to hurt yourself. No, not on the body. No, so then he says, take your fucking strides off and push your butt up towards the moon. What can I do? Take your fucking straws off and push your butt up towards the moon! Shit! Well what can I do? One day I heard my shoulder, so I'm in no position to fight.

Buh-ah-ah-ah! So I take my trousers off and that push my ass up towards the shoulders of the best I can now. Then he says, take this copper funnel and plight it in your eyes! I say, okay, that's fair enough. I said, what are you going to do? He said, I'm going to fill your cavity with lucky grams and full fat milk. But he did it South Africa, yeah.

So in this state of like shock that I'm in, I start, sorry, I should explain. He says, you know, he says, fill your you with lucky grams. Yeah, I'm absolutely shocked because I never thought for one minute you could get lucky grams in Cape Town. It's lucky grams even to think. So is it lucky grams? It's lucky charms, isn't it? Golden grams.

Golden grams in lucky charms. He just, just, just, just Angelace eats lucky charms. It's golden grams. I wouldn't have thought you could get them in, kid. Hey, I'm a different culture innit? Yes, so in the state of shock, I start feeding the thin end, obviously, of the funnel into me ass.

Obviously, when suddenly, the Galley-Daw's burst open, and there's Richard D'Friars with a taezer. Poor old man. Leave the old middle out and fuck off, broad-burning, wayward prick. Yeah. Leave the old metal out and fuck off Rob Boat in way would prick. Saw the blog puts his hands up, scottles around Richard and leaves the boat. I say, oh, I have a frangier Richard.

Why did he want to put cereal into my ass? He says, he's part of the breakfast and buggery movement. Just work kids looking for a way alive and up the morning meal I see salt he would have eaten he would have eaten it literally out of my cavity. Yeah, we're the fucking label Gangbaggers you've got a love them And that's what happened to me the other day. Ugh, that's terrible. Yeah. Do you have dreams about that? Do you know, I blanked out South Africa until we started doing this, but I think it's

good for me to get rid of all this shit. Are you any interest in the South Africa? I'm not first. Well, what would you prefer? I haven't had a chance to try and we laugh out very much today. Oh, sorry, man. You can have a go. All right, well, I was, yeah, I was a day off in South Africa, right?

Yep, and I wanted to go driving just by myself. You know, freedom in the open road and the beautiful way I want spirit of adventure and I can't sort of thing. But I've never driven on the right side of the road ever. So I asked the hotel to arrange for a cabbie. It would let me drive around for an hour or so so I can get in the groove, you know I mean So this chapter and so he's got on the legend. That's quite nice car and they Might my son's favorite car is the Honda. He likes the on the yeah

He has an inexplicable obsession with Honda's at the minute. Yeah, this is a nice one. It was their executive Is it? It don't make it anymore. I'll tell him this story then. So, it's quite nice, Kyle. We drive around for a bit and it's good fun. Chaps names Kenneth. And I've never met an unpleasant Kenneth, have you, Andy?

The jury was out on one Kenneth that I used to work with. I would have never met a poor boy. Always seemed alright to me. So, he's a nice, fully, you know. So, I say, why don't you stay with me for the morning? I'll buy you a slap up lunch at Le Colombe. Right. Now that is a nice plate,

one of the top 58 world and a seventh in the world on trip advisor. In the world. Yeah. Connast's second best restaurant in Africa. You may know that. Yeah, and very famous for me enough for using tigers milk in its cooking. Oh, I love a bit of tiger milk. Well, who knows. It's on the other side of like Terrible Mountain National Park about a three hour drive. So we go out of town. we're passing through this little township called Varati, it tells me to pull in this little ramshackle garage so he can fill up.

It's same system as you care so it fills up and I go into the shop to pay. I get in there knowing about a first, right, but few shuttles, cells of groceries. I like to have a look around in them in a different country at the groceries. I like to have a look around you know I'm in a different country at the groceries. There's a freezer chest with ready meals in it and I pick up one out of interest. It's got a handwritten label on it says meet Curry. Looks kind of all-made you know what I mean. Sounds like a job. Just then Andy. This is where it all turns to shit as it always seems to. Their bloat comes around the back he's got he's got an axe in his hand he's like fucking hell here we go again so he says put that fucking meat cutting back in the freezer you fat cunt

so Andy he's got an axe so that's exactly what I do you can do as you do already yeah Yeah, pretty much. So he says now taking trousers Often put these ladies tight on I said come on there life life doesn't have to be like this Man, he said don't give me the chick chick you prick put this tiny count shaped hat on So I put the tights in this tiny little hat on and he says, Do a lighty dance and shitting your darts! TEE! Well, I'm just about to drop some mud out.

When Kenneth comes in, oh thank god I say this, this brooks trying to make me do a dumb in me tights. Well the man turns his axe towards Kenneth. Kenneth shouts at me, Get begging a fucking Honda! So I scarper out and just as I'm getting back into the car, I hear a gunshot. Kenneth comes out where we're going in his hand, he seems really calm. So thanks Kenneth. Do you think maybe he would have killed me after it's

soon that I had a dump like? He says, yeah definitely. He wanted your flesh to make more heavy meals. Fucking gang baggage,aged, you got to love him. So, like I said, Andy, I never met an unpleasant Kenneth and this one was even more than that. He was a hero for me. He was. And he drove me all the way back to the hotel,

even arch it in my tits. You know. Did he let you sit in the front? No, I sat in the back. I did sit in the back. Yeah, I'm gonna towel or something. So what did you think of that story? Hey, I sat in the back, I did sit in the back. Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna towel or something. So what did you think of that story? Hey, I think that's one that we might get animated.

Like the deviled, slat-and story that you told before. Let's go South Africa. On one day we were filming like in a, like, like a creek, you know, lots of bushes, long grass, rocks and that. So we had to have a little talk from a warden fellow first about the different types of snakes we might encounter. Outer reactive, we come across one suitable cloth in blab, blab, blab, very interesting actually Andy. The main thing, it turned out was like just to be snake aware, you know, keep your eyes on the floor, for example, when you're walking, because

the puff adder is really, lies out in the sun and it's really well camouflaged. So if you see one, just walk slowly away, right? Sounds plausible, so far. The black manber must lethal snake in the world, yep. Now interesting with that, has a very distinct smell like burning rubber. So take that as a warning, like burning rubber, if you smell that, black manber, black manber. That's a very interesting warning order, that in it and a burning rubber. Don't you think?

Is it? I think so. The African spit in cobra, yeah, but it'll raise its neck up. If you see it puff its neck out, you know what that cobra does? That means it's about to spit. Put your goggles on, because it'll spit at your eyes. Right, I need to retain this information, don't I? Or fuck yeah, be particularly careful in the bushes, right? The vine or twig snake as it's called exactly mimics the appearance of like a small branch or a twig,

yeah? Disturb it, bite, yeah. It's actually in the 90 actually 90 it's actually the smallest of the nasty snakes it's really thin but three foot long yeah but funnily enough it is the most lethal on account of the fact that there is no antidote is this leading up to some comedy yeah but Yeah, but I thought I'd fill you in on me day. Okay, yeah. Hunts its food by smelling for don't know, though by a snack nasty, you know there's no antidote, right? So we found the little piece I'm dragging a cart with some beer barrels in it. And when I've got to the right position, if there's a bit of tape on the floor, you know, I'd glugg the some beer at the end of the shot,

there were about 20 takes, obviously I'm desperate for a piss and shit fist. No, I want, no, I want shit for you. I want you. A little thing, sir. A little thing, sir. The warden, I need a piss and the warden points me to a path through the bush and says, to me, walk up the path of our hundred yards,

you'll see a little clearing that he's put a bucket in. He says, there's a green flag on the far edge of the clearing and you must first that flag when you're peeing. So the smell doesn't go, so the smell goes away from the crow, you know? And absolutely no shitting, because that'll attract snakes. Yeah, right.

So I walk up the path, start having to be pissing in a bucket, first in the flag, you know. Suddenly, there's a tap on me shoulder, and I feel the steel and knife gets me throught. That's not very nice, is it? Oh, steel. Yeah.

And then this, I turn around, and this fella says, no, I don't turn around just yet. So then I, this fella says, turn around and don't make a fucking sound So I mean Andy walk and I do he's got a knife and he's specifically requested that I keep my mouth shut Yeah, yeah, he says pull your trousers down to your knees and insert you thumb into your anus Well, I do I would do as I'm told and yeah, I can't say it and the option He said now remove your thumb thumb and rub the cack onto your willber.

So I did, right, put my pants down and then rub some cack onto me and Johnson, you know what? Then he pulled out this long thin plastic tube with a twig in it and he takes the prop tube. Blah, I have no idea at this time, Andy. And he takes the cap off of one end and holds it right next to me Johnson. Someone said Douglas. Someone said, well the twig starts to move.

And I can see it's not to get all that's a vine snake. Now you're glad you knew the information from earlier. I forgot the most steadily of all the snakes. Is that the one that they added? No, I don't. It's head emerges and it's tongue stabs, lapping the air. Like only a couple of inches from me dying, yeah? Because of course, it can smell a cack

that he's made me rub on it, you know? I stitched it right up. Yeah, presumably he thinks that me dying is just like a little mouse or something, you know, that for his tea. Well, I'm thinking this is it, Andy. This finally, this is it. So I just closed my eyes waiting for its fangs to sink in, you know, but nothing happens. And then I hear a sound, I hear the sound of what sounds like a man falling into the floor. So I slowly open the eyes

and sure enough on the floor, then, front of me, it's the block and he's got a crossbow bolt in his chest and the snake's nowhere to be seen. Fuck. Then I hear the warden. Okay, they flicker. You okay, Fanny? I say, yeah, but, wow, I thought I was gonna thank you so much. He says, yeah, it's a good job, I'm a fucking pervert. And I was watching you, Piddle.

I says, all right, so that's why you told me to first the flag. Yeah, I got a little hide there, we binoculars and some nibbles are fucking love it. Got a little what there? A little hide. A heart. A heart, yeah, so, so, well, thank God for your little hidey hole, so did this bloat want me dead then? Yeah, that's why he used a biny. That's kind of Shirley, don't it? It's a difficult b Yeah, that's why he used a biny that's kind of Shirley, don't it? Scientific biny. That's why he used the biny fucking gang bangers. You could have loved them

By the way, you tell anyone about my fucking secret and I'll rip your fucking guts out with this 1960s spanner. I said oh the secret safe with me mate So it's a bit do you think that's a bit like the movie platoon, you know, I think in the wardens a bit like, you know, kind of was. The bit where you said, what was he said to me, I didn't think I was gonna make it. Yeah, yeah, I didn't think I thought that was. I wasn't, I kind of thought you were gonna make it because you're like, hey now. So there wasn't that much suspense at the park. Apart from that was really good. South Africa. And I remember some of the, might want to tell you about me timing South Africa.

OK. Do you want to hear it? Or do you want to just pack in there? Are you single of, are you single of weirded in there with the holiday song? So one of me days off filming I thought, I'll go out for a bit of sun and a swim. So I went to the blue rock water park and a big water park

Just outside in the outskirts of Cape Town Caught a bus from just outside Rudy's general store, right? He popped out to say hello as I was waiting You know me trunks and me tower like so Rudy says All right, Bob. No, that's not it. That's Jordy It's a good right Bob. You look terrible. not it. That's Jordy. It's a good red bomb. You look terrible. You look a terrible weak bitch today.

Where are you headed to? It's that easier, baby. It's in Africa. It's not far. He popped out. He said, a soft, where are you heading to? A soft play area for the female body? I said, no, Rudy, I'm going to Blue Rock Water Park. Do you know if it's any good? You bet Blue. They got a hundred

foot in the vertical speed slide that will give you goose cogs a large stud. Make sure you're well secure or they can end up looking like fraud eggs. It's a terrible South African. Yeah, we'll do Rudy. So 20 minute bus ride I'm there, lovely hot day, lovely place, put me stuff in a locker-changing, me trunks head straight for this big speed ride,

this big 100-foot vertical drop that Rudy was on about. And it's not much of a cure, right? And a lot of people didn't fancy it and it's quite intimidating when you see it. So at the bottom of the stairs to the ride, you have to pick up this like padded PVC sleeve that you wear like sort of like a skirt to soften the impact when you hit the bottom. Yeah. So at the top the last bits this sort of 10 foot ladder and it's onto a platform and there's a blog there who tells you how to put the skirt on and releases you down the tubes there. You know, so I get on the platform and shit, he's got a pointy stick, yeah?

And he presses the pointy stick against me face, yeah? He says, take your fucking babies off your brick and do you like a dog? Well what can I do? Andy's got a pointy stick, right? And I'm on the sharp end of it, you know what I mean? He says, start feeding the petty... start feeding the petty PVC sleeve into your poopy a brick water draw yogi bear on your nuts sex.

Well I do have some start and I start feeding the sleeve in the mess and he's saying fast, fast, he's fast, he's fast, he's fast, he wants speed. Well Andy, I'll take it back here and see. I told you, it's really speed. Yeah, I'll take a chance. I'd die right past him down the show, yeah. Bang, I hit the bottom, balls first and they instantly swell up like avocados, you

know. So I've got to get back to me locker to get me stuff and I'm naked everyone's laughing at me because my balls are making a humming sound a bit like a d-u-medifier might make or be Ive right you know it makes a noise like bass yeah but many bass anyway back on the boss I off at Rudey's and go and see if he's got an emplosion or paying killers You know I follow minacas. I Tell him that the bloat made me feed the padded PVC Protective safety skirt into me Terrance and he says

Game bangers you've got a fucking love and brew I said well, I'm already would he really have made me put the whole you know I said, well, I already, would he really have made me put the whole unit up there? I said, shake the picker. You bet, Blue. That fished a blackhead of the water last week with a Betsy Kessel turret up there. And three kilos of pride out. Like I'll say, you've got a fucking love on. And then he advised me to wrap some streaky bacon around the plums and sleep up right that night facing the moon. Right, so I did that.

Did it happen? I did, that was right. Right, it's written the next morning, so she is Rudy. Can I just apologise for asking if, you know, if he has me a nice chair in that? I know that the noise of being, I didn't know that there was some kind of mechanical element in the room. No, I just want that, yeah. I just want to clear that up with you. you