Aunty Donna Podcast - Fatherhood Advice for Tom feat. Tom

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

 It's been said by some that fatherhood is the greatest job you’ll ever have.  Not that we’d know. Our friend Tom is a dad and he didn’t ask for our advice but he could probably use it so here goes nothing. LINKS Listen to Tom on The Footy with Broden Kelly at https://spoti.fi/3q3GkBt .  Give Tom unsolicited fatherhood advice by following him on Instagram @thomas_zahariou or https://bit.ly/thomas_zahariou-ig . Buy tickets to The Magical Dead Cat World Tour - https://bit.ly/auntydonna-worldtour . Follow @theauntydonnagallery on Instagram https://bit.ly/auntydonna-ig . Become a Patreon supporter at http://auntydonnaclub.com/ . CREDITS  Hosts: Zachary Ruane & Mark Bonanno  Guest: Tom Zahariou .Intro VO: Tom Zahariou (omg the same guy)  Producer: James Blake Social & Digital Producer: Jim Cruse  Audio Imager: Mitch Calladine Supervising Producer: Elise Cooper  Managing Producer: Sam Cavanagh   Find more great podcasts like this at www.listnr.com/ Join The Aunty Donna Club: https://www.patreon.com/auntydonnaSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Oh, get out there everyone, it's Mark Samuel Banana here from Antidonna and guess what? We have added new dates in New York, Philadelphia and Austin as part of Antidonna's magical dead cat world tour. So head over to antidonna.com to grab those tickets! Please. you can get access to bonus episodes and the video versions at anti-donnaclub.com. Enjoy the podcast! Do you want to start it? I'm happy to start it. Do you want to start it? You start it. You want to rock off for who started? I don't think I should start a base on the fact that I didn't know

what the idea was 30 seconds ago. That's fair. And you can keep all of this James. Hello. And welcome to the anti-donner podcast. You have a very special podcast for everyone. Something that we don't usually get to look into, a very serious topic, of course, Broding Kelly is dead and was unable to join us today because he is deceased. He died. Where did he get his dick caught in a draw? In a windmill in Denmark. A windmill in Denmark.

A windmill in Denmark. But that was unrelated. That was something. So when he got his dick caught in a windmill in Denmark, he was trying to fight it. And also it didn't rip it off. He just spun around. Yeah, he spun around with that windmill. The reason he died again was not the draw.

No, no, because the dick, he just kept his dick in the draw. Yeah. The reason he died was a brain hemorrhage caused by a broken heart. Caused, isn't that crazy? By the windmill breaking up with him. Well, it broke his heart. It broke his heart, it broke his dick, and then it broke his brain. And isn't that a lesson to be learned?

And it all sort of works thematically because today we're talking about fatherhood. So Brodon's not here. No. One, he'll be back next week. Maybe. Unless we release all the ones where he wasn't here in one, but I think that would be silly. Yeah, no, we'll mix it up.

He'll be back next week, maybe. Maybe, maybe. You never know. You never know. And let's not want to lock it in there. Do you want to lock it in? I would say yes. He's going to be back next week.

James, can we make sure the Broden is back next week? I'll be sure if he's dick's okay. Well, it's, it's not. Broden, Broden is not dead and I don't know about his dick. I don't know, I don't know nothing about his dick. I've seen it. I'm sure I did in a change for a month. But what I will say to you is the Brodon will be back next week.

In the meantime, we have a new special guest. A very new special guest. One that I think I'll listen as a familiar with. Here's the voice of the intro, most of the times. A very new special guest. One that I think I listen as a familiar with, he's the voice of the intro most of the times. He said that one time he took a week off and people mad. That was the man. People were mad.

That was so angry. They loved the views. They thought I was dead. The love for you is palpable. Tom didn't know how love to use. He doesn't, he doesn't really. He goes, ah, I just, I'll just take away the other. I was full like, get me out of the intro. And then there was outrage, hubbub. In time, we will transition you out of that.

But we're not going to do it. We're not going to rip Tom away from you. Of course, not. No, in fact, we have someone very, very special here, someone who I love and someone who, and you, and no, not you. We also have Tom. No, not you, although I do love you. Thank you. Um, uh, deeply. And, uh, but I also love this, this guest, uh, their name is Tom. We've already introduced you, haven't we? Yeah, no, we're introducing the concept now. The concept. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God, I thought we'd be fine without broken. Well, I'm just a bit confused because we just cut a bit where I talk about and beep this.

F***. But you can beep that. And so now I've got a bit lost off track because we cut a bit and trust me, it was needed to be cut. And now people are going to be like, oh, I wonder what it was. Yeah, we'll fuck them, figure it out.

Like, it was, yeah, it's fine. It was my mouth so they can't see it. It wasn't offensive. No, it was just a little uncouth. Little dangerous. Little dangerous. It was a dangerous idea. And none of us are dangerous Dave.

No. On Triple M. Tom, what's your name? Tom. We've introduced Tom. Welcome to the show. Introduce the concept. The concept is Tom spoofed out a little kid. Yes. Didn't you? We spoofed out millions of kids every day. But one of those kids found an eggie. Yeah. One of those spurms found an eggie. Yeah. One of those

little spoofs found a little eggie. Would have gotten into that eggie in eggie. Yeah. One of those little spools found a little eggie would have gotten into that eggie in the fallopian tube. Mm. Which I didn't realize happened. What do you mean? I was saying. So the egg is inseminated.

It was inseminated. It's inseminated. Inseminated. Inseminated. I've always used inseminated. Inseminated. Inseminated. Inseminated in the tube.

And then it works its way into the baby hole, whatever that bit's called. Cool. The uterus. Now it's going to sing a schistemony from Jesus Christ's soup style. Why? This sounds like a seminary. I want to know, I want to know my Lord, I want to know, I want to know my Lord. Washed it out down! Washed it up, I don't remember the words.

It's really in the words too. Right, right. Great, that was really good. It's fantastic, beautiful voice, beautiful pipes. Thank you, thank you so much. Something else that has beautiful pipes is your home where your child is. Can you just try to tie that in?

Just get it, just get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just say that it's set up. The set up is that Tom has recently given birth to a child. A bouncing baby boy. Bouncing baby boy. Who I must say is, and I mean this quite genuinely, your child is not ugly.

No. It's quite cute. And I'm sorry for saying it's, I have my own thing going on with kids. He is... You know what I've got to be real with you here. The dangerous part of what you were saying was not the it. What? The window before you said cute and after you said the child was not ugly.

Hmm. I was like, please don't do that. Well, some babies and I'm sorry. The window before you said cute and after you said the child was not ugly. I was like, please. Well, some, some babies and I'm sorry. No, some babies are ugly. Some babies doesn't mean they grow into an ugly person often they do. Proof is in the pudding. Look at my banana. Just joking. I'm fine.

Mark, just say the, just say the concept. Well because Tom has this child, you call it a child, he has this child now. Sleeps in a crib? Yes. In your room or has a separate room? He has his room, but we've been having some issues. What issues? Um, so see we we will get to the issue. Okay. I will just leave it, but here I was about to get into the I've lost all the faith in you. No, don't, don't. Please, I am your Jesus Christ. Let me let me be your guide In this world, but I'm Judas, don't you say? You motherfucking, no, Jeremy Judas. You started to believe, yeah, you've been talking to me.

That's the same with you. Well, we are gonna, we're gonna, Tom has been having some issues. Yeah, not that many. No, I don't think that's how we should count to this. Well, he said we've had some issues. That's why I was saying, let's not talk to him until,

I don't wanna count it in your having issues. You'd be great dad, everyone has issues, you know? That's absolutely. So Zach and I are going to give Tom some advice on how to be the best father he can be. And now Zach, what is your experience with fatherhood? I have a dad. Yes.

Stan, I've been watching Star Trek Next Generation and I think while Picard is bad with children, that's one of his character. Yeah, he's a father figure. He's a fantastic leader. And you have a dog. And I have a dog. Which is the same as raising the sound. Yeah. Well, I have a dog with profoundly fine-up skin problems. Yeah. Yeah. So it is a step closer. Yeah.

I would never say that having a dog is like having a child, but I have to bathe this dog more like closer irregularity to how often you have to bathe the child. It's probably a kid into having a child with 24-7 chicken pox. No, it's a kid having a dog with 24-7 chicken pox. And a kid, it's a kid having a kid with zero issues that can bathe itself most days. You know what I'm saying? Because a dog requires less care than a child. But this dog requires more care than a child, but this dog requires more care than

a dog. Yeah. So it gets it about a third of the way to a child. Nice. Well, that's some great experience there. Mark, we've set up the concept, yeah. We're giving fartherly advice. What experience do you have as a father or in fatherhood?

Well, I too have a dad. Come out of it. Yes, come out of it. I've seen boyhood. I love boyhood. Which is, I love that movie too. Which is close to fatherhood. Some ways.

And I'm not a dad, but I hope I'm on my way to being a daddy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you've got a couple of years on you, but. Yeah. So that's it. When we talk about boyhood,

when I talk about, have you seen the movie boyhood? No. Well, then that's not gonna happen. Tell me all about it. You know, if Broden was here, he'd be like, no, let's keep to the joke. But no, you guys are free. We're going to fucking ignore you and talk about boyhood. If you haven't seen boyhood, maybe it comes up again. If you haven't seen boyhood, check it out. That's what I say to the listener.

It's great. If you like Aunty Donna, I can in no way say whether you're like boy. No, it's that's, they're such different. It's only three hour drama. Very naturalistic. Beautiful. Beautiful film. But I can't say. It's like later, yeah.

I can't say whether you like it or not, based on the fact that you're listening to this podcast. No idea. No idea. No idea. It would be like, I'd need to get a good sense of the other sort of media you consume on it. I think I need to try and get to other pieces of media that are different from this. Yeah. And then maybe I could get an idea like the Netflix algorithm. Absolutely. So Tom, what issues have you been having? I brought up crib earlier, brought up crib and your child's, can we say your child's name? Yeah, Athlas. We'd like to call him book.

Yeah, I don't. I would never do that. I do it all the time. That's the end of the job for the rest of the life. I don't think we should make jokes about it. I think it's just a fun little, oh no, no, I think that's fun that you do it. Yeah. But I personally take it very seriously.

But I don't have an issue with you making a joke about it. Now, I know that doesn't make any sense. Mm. And that's the joke. And that's the joke. Tom. Tom. What's going on with this crib?

You asked us questions. We'll give advice. Think of us as that guy that wrote the books. Doctor Carl? No. Doctor Zeus. No. Encyclopedia.

Sir, start with S. I want to say Spock. That's just because I got started. Sir, I'm sorry. So Zeus starts with an S. Yeah. No, he writes the books with parental advice. He wrote the original books and the sevenies.

Well, no, he wrote books about funny little rhyming creatures. Not like Mr. Itaews and all that. No, Itaews gave bad advice. Yeah, it's all yeah, Itaews. I mean, the guy who wrote about the Itaews complex. No, that's Freud. Also bad advice. That's the parents.

No, there was a guy in the 60s or 70s who wrote a book about how to be a parent. And it was the first time people referred to books instead of their own parents. Yeah, right. Yeah, that was just very the phenomenon of like going rather than just calling up your mom or your dad and saying, what should I do now?

And your mom or your dad saying, well, you pushed down the trauma of the walls. Yeah, 100%. You rather instead of that, they would read this book. I want you to think of me as that guy. And it's so interesting how fucking out of date our parents are. That's been a big experience. Yeah, my parents expired a little while ago.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, in terms of advice giving. It was very, very fun. I mean, they, I don't want to speak, you know, I don't want to make assumptions, but we're of the generation that had our bottom spank. Exactly. We put on our tummies, fed water, put on our tummies.

Put on our tummies. What do you mean? So, parents used to put their babies down on their tummies. And since they flipped them on the back, Sids has gone down to like, so I mean that makes sense. That makes sense. But it's just when, you mean, that makes sense. So that makes sense. But it's just when, you know, when our parents were growing up and stuff,

they used to tell us as kids to put our nose up when our noses were bleeding. Yeah. Now they say put it down. Put it down. I think we've got the name of the author. Benjamin Spock. You were in the spot.

I was in thinking, I wasn't thinking of Spock, but Spock is one of them. Yes but Spock is one of them. Yes, Spock is one of them. So that's crazy. Tom, tell us what issues you've been having with your boy and your crib. So Atlas has his own room where he sleeps. Mm-hmm.

Is it a library? Nice. We call it Atlas' room. And my wife has very kindly been sleeping in there with him. I'll wear that. In the crib? No, so she sleeps on the floor. She's got like a mattress and a whole bedroom set up.

And atty sleeps in. It's not a, well, it's not a bassinet. It's not a bed. It's in between that. It's a bassabed. It's a bassinet. It's a bed, isn't it? It's a cut. It's a bed, a cut. It's a bazaar. It's a bed in it. It's a car. It's a bed in it.

It's a car. It's a, it's a Australian, you know, like a criminal sleep. This is really boring to me. Yeah, yeah. Okay, this is profoundly boring to me. I think our audience use a little younger than us. Yeah, they're going to be really.

So they're going to be really bored. Yeah. So just get to the point and then we'll bring the funny. Right. So now that Adelaise is about six months, I was been trying to move back to the bedroom. Sure, sure. She wants to come. You don't want to get into the house. She wants to cuddle her man. Exactly. She doesn't want to sleep on the floor and be, you know, on his every need. Yeah, next to the boy.

And the boy needs to learn. Yeah. Mark, I think, is taking a bit of the tone of an older generation. No, no, I think it's, I think, I watched an episode of Mad About You once, and there was an episode where Paul Buckman and Helen Hunt. Now I know Buckman is the name of the character. Paul Reisner is a Paul Reisner in Helen Hunt. Is it Reisner? Reisner, a Paul Reisner in Helen Hunt. Is it Reisner? Reisner, Buckman, Paul, all of this.

I can't remember Helen. Helen Hunt's character's name, but I know Paul's character was called Paul and I remember his surname being Buckman. Can't remember his surname or the actor. So I'm gonna say Paul Buckman and Helen Hunt. And they're sitting out, they have a kid and they're sitting out and it's crying

and the advice they've been given is, you know, it's gotta get, they gotta get through it is, you know, it's got to get, they got to get through it on their own because if you keep coming in, yeah, and you go, and already I'm overwhelmed. Just by saying all of this, I'm overwhelmed and I'm not a parent and none of this is real and yet I'm about to have a panic attack. How do you do it? Well, 100%. I'm, I'm the, as far as that goes and I think that's real in the milk. Milk is good child needs milk. I don't know if that's an age appropriate film for six month.

I think I think I think that it's important for all babies no matter their age to face the complex history of America. I mean absolutely I just worry that the assassination at a you know seeing that at such a young age would be a little hard. And then also, I'd only do it, give the context of who shorted pennies as a man and then let them make their choice about whether they want to see that film or not. Yeah, that's all I was thinking. Mark, so up to date, all the actors.

Tom, any other issues with the babies and whatnot? Well, you haven't solved my first issue. Well, yes, I have the milk. Now, next issue, Tom. No. Well, what's the issue? The issue is none of us are adjusting well. Oh, well, you've just got to give the baby milk,

pop it in the bed, back. On this. And then say, off to bed, baby, and then you guys have a good night's sleep. Yeah, have you tried, is one of you sleeping in the room without us? No, so I was moved back to my room. Mm-hmm.

When I was 22 years old. Yes. I got really, really drunk with a few friends in my apartment in Windsor, I believe, near Chapel Street. I got really, really drunk and I stayed up till 5am. It was a really big night. That's so late. We were drinking, goons, maybe some more.

That's the boys. Well, but it was fine because I had nothing to do the next day. I was young. Yeah. So we partied, we got very, very drunk and then at 5am, believe I realized that I had misread my work calendar and that I had to be at work at 10am, maybe no, I was 10am the next day and I was drinking still at 5, 5, 30. I was very drunk and I was still drinking. There was no way, not only would I be hung over it 10, I would still be drunk. Not only that, it was an after work sort of drinks.

It was with co-workers, so I was wearing my uniform while I was partying. Right. So I stink. I stink of booze, of sweat. And I didn't have a change of uniform and it was 5am. Do you know what I did? What did you do?

Please tell me you had a shower. I had a shower. Right. I got a couple of hours sleep. Yeah. I put back on the uniform that I was wearing and I went to work. And I sank and I was drunk and I served people. People that had paid good money to go to golf. What were they saying at that time? And I sank and I was drunk and I served people.

People that had paid good money to go to golf. What were they seeing at that time? I believe they were watching, you know, it might have been Harry Potter part seven, part two. Oh yeah. But I think it was a little after that. So it might have been a Spider-Man the second generation, number one.

Yeah, amazing. You know, with Andrew Garfield. Andrew Garfield, it was around that era, and I served them. And then I think the next person came in on that shift after about two hours, and my manager said, Zach, you can go home. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And then I, instead of going home,

I got some popcorn, and I watched horrible bosses. Tom, does this help you? No, this is a set up. Well, you don't see that. He's just, I did all of that on two hours late, my man. Come on, man, track the metaphor. You know, track the metaphor. I said, now that you've pointed it out.

Yeah, I did all that until I was still drunk when I served those people, but I used my child. Have you thought about talking to your child? I talked to my child every day. But like sort of explaining the situation and going, because like I know sometimes we wrap things in cotton wool, and you know we're afraid to just be direct. But if you try just sitting out and going, look mate,

I'm struggling, your mother's struggling, we all need to pull be direct. But if you try just sitting out and standing on look mate, I'm struggling, your mother's struggling, we all need to pull our weight. Yeah, Atlas is months old. Yes. Six months old. Yeah, a baby. Yeah. I'm not sure he would comprehend. Oh, sorry, that's not what I was saying. Oh, sorry.

What I was saying is even a baby can comprehend exactly the fact that they need to pull their weight step up. I think he can just sense that his mother's not in the room anymore. This feels like as much as this is a funny idea, this is real shit for Tom. Yeah, yeah, I know. And I know that chest with him. I know I know I know.

I know you did. Yeah. And it is okay. I know it is. But I don't feel comfortable. I've got ads. You don't feel comfortable, but now me I'm gonna go to ads. What was that? I say go ads. A world record attempt. There might be ads now. Go ads. James said ad and before I comprehend it moment it came out of me I didn't mean for that to happen. I didn't plan for that to happen James. I before this

It shook me to my very core and I took for a moment. I blanked out I think in that moment when I said go to ads I may have been in another dimension. Okay, so new new rule James So before this podcast we were talking to James We said, James, he's just been feeding ads to Broden. Yeah, because he's the one who keeps things on track around. Oh, whatever. And I said, you know what, from now on, tell all of us about ads. If it's okay with you, Mark, I would like to rescind that right from Mark. rescind it. That's fair, but, but you have to admit I was efficient.

You were efficient, you got good pace. But yes, absolutely. I got spooked. I'm not gonna lie. I got spooked. And that's why it was, it's the same as a jump scare, but instead of screaming, I went into action. Yeah, I went into the action that the podcast required

and needed. No, I love that. I love that for you. I love that for you. I love that for you, Tom. But from now on, you just freed it to me. Right. And now, some ads. Good.

Say how you do it. See how smooth that was. Yeah, that's how you smooth that was. I'm really well done. And we're back from potentially some ads, or maybe not, I don't know, I don't listen to the podcast. No. What will we talk in a minute? We're talking about, or maybe not, I don't know, I don't listen to the podcast. No. What will we talk in a minute?

We'll talk in a minute. We cover it. I'm struggling to sleep. Yeah, but I've got some advice. Okay, you give advice and then some we keep it moving. Okay. So, what? What?

Does your wife smell of some? Ah, mm. I could perfume, I imagine. Her perfume. Yeah. So, here's what I recommend. Okay. If Atlas is, so Atlas is a baby, right?

As you said, not intelligent enough to have a heart to heart, but intelligent enough to watch the film milk, which has some very complex things. Very odd, you know. Right. I don't understand where this child's brain capacity is. So here was I would say, here's what I would say. A Lenning is Greek. Yes. Any butchers in the family? No, not that I think. But here was what I would say. A lending is Greek.

Any butchers in the family? No, not that I think. I'm sure someone would know someone where they could get a leg of prosciutto off the back of the truck. 100%. Get your good deal on it. Right? You're not paying that $65 a kilo on the supermarkets.

No. Actually, I could probably get you a leg of ham. I know someone through my father. Yeah, great. I could get your a lega ham. I know someone through my father. Yeah, great. I could get you a beautiful lega ham, right? $12 a kilo, mate. Off the back of the truck. Now, here's what I say.

You get it. I thought that was your advice. No, no, that is a good deal. Yeah, it is a good deal. No, no, no. But then this links into the advice. You get a couple of legs a ham. Yeah.

You build a ham wife. OK. You spray that ham wife with her perfume. Yeah. You cut off all her hair. You don't have to do this step. You stick that hair on the ham wife. Now you don't have to do it on the head.

Baby is not a baby. A baby only develops the understanding of hair on the head at eight months. Yeah, right. All you need to do is glue a quantity of your wife's hair onto the ham wife. You get a rope, tie that rope around the ham and you hang it from the roof. Then you've got a hanging ham wife in your child's room. Smells like your wife.

And ham. And ham, which babies love. Studies have shown that seven out of 10 babies love the smell of ham. They go crazy. Now, if you're worried that your child is one of the three out of 10, two out of those three, they are neutral to the smell of ham.

It's not gonna be a problem. Just take a small slice of ham, wave it in front of your child. Yeah, I found the tone. For this podcast. Wave the ham in front of the child. If you see an adverse reaction, you know, this is not a ham child

and you're really gonna recreate a lot of marks advice then with maybe corn or just some cold green bags. Yes. And I'll take that ham off your hands. So it's never going to go to waste. No, of course not. My family loves ham.

So ham wife, Tom, problem number, or did you have any more about ham wife? No, I think that will solve the issue because the baby's not smart enough to know that hair and wife is not or hand mum is a real mum and they're going to feel that presence of the ham and make sure that rope is around the neck bar and hang that from the roof. So, hair and mum is just sort of hanging in there. Hair stuck where it smells like your wife with the perfume. Your child, your child is at six months, is that right? Now, here's what's going to happen at about 13 months.

Your child is going to comprehend based on the lack of movement that her mum is not a real mum. They're going to see this hanging sort of edifice and they're going to say that's not a real person. Based only, now initially up until the 80s, Hemum was a very effective technique, and they stopped doing Hemum at 13 months. What they've since realized, studies have shown, is that it's the lack of movement. So actually, you're going to get another six months out of Hemum, if you create a sort of audio and a metronic effect. What you're going to need is a months out of hand mum, if you create a sort of audio animatronic

effect. What you're going to need is a tape recording of your wife or yourself. Again, they can't differentiate the voices until seven years. Yeah, right. Any familiar voice sounds the same to a child until seven years. So you record yourself, your mum or anyone that the child knows, saying something doesn't have to be in English, doesn't have to be in Greek, it's just sort of talking that the child knows, saying something, it doesn't have to be in English, it doesn't have to be in Greek, it's just sort of talking to the child.

And then just using a sort of robotic effect, you can buy these from hem mum shops, they're a specialty shop. I think there's a couple in the outer suburbs of Melbourne, or you can make one yourself. You just basically want to get hem walking around the room, like a robot. You want to him, robot, mom, walking around the room. And that's going to get another six months of comfort for the child. Your child's going to be lying in their bassa bed, and I hope you've upgraded to a bassa bed at 13 months from a crib.

And the him robot, mom, is going to be walking around going, koo koo child, koo koo. I would also suggest a backlight, him, mom, so that she comes across as a silhouette. Oh yeah. And the child can't make out, you know, the word, the toki. Children love silhouettes. They do. Oh God, they do. That's that, and that's, I mean, you ask any parent,

they'll say a child loves a silhouette, but there are studies that back that up. There was a study in Thailand in 1972 where they presented children with the original product and the silhouette of the product and children 17% more responded to the silhouette. Isn't that crazy? And that's in Thailand. They haven't been able to recreate that study. But, you know, it's worth a shot. Look it up. It's on YouTube. What? Any other problems?

And what are the problems have you been having, Tom? Atlas has started on solid food. A crazy time for any parents going from liquids to solids. And now he's sort of like celebrating a lot and getting a lot of food. And then he's like, I'm going to get a lot of food. a crazy time for any parent going from liquids to solids. And now he sort of like celebrating a lot and getting a lot of food around his face. And now he started to have a reaction to that.

So he has quite a nasty rash around his double chins and around his mouth. From his own spit saliva? That's what we think it is, because we took him to the doctor naturally. Yes. And they said it wasn't an allergic reaction It was just a wetness like a yeah a contact. It's got a word

We have a special doctor that just does babies baby great, yeah, yeah, you know, I've a no Wonderful can I ask how much gold leaf are you putting on the food? None good good. You don't want to be putting gold leaf on the food. Right. As much as it is beautiful, that's a metal. Yeah. You know, and an expensive one. An inexpensive one. It doesn't have nutritional value. And studies have shown that it just passes right through the child. Yes. I would take all the money that you've been spending on gold leaf and spend it on Bionicles because children love Bionicles. There's a rich law within the Bionicle world. They come in a can. Now obviously Atlas at this point is too young for Bionicles. But

that's okay. You can put that in a box. Atlas is a pretty smart kid. Atlas is understanding of the film milk which is pretty deep as is my understanding. So I would argue that understanding the law of Bionicles and the mechanics and getting excited about those masks I think would be a really good thing and would make sense for Atlas. But look, I don't know, I'm not a father.

I just love biomext. I'm not a father, but I am an expert in adulthood. I've written four books on it. Tom, and I have those. You're kidding you? First six months. Yes. The first 12 months.

Okay, does that double up a little? No, it's a sequel. It's a sequel. But wouldn't the first 12 months cover the first six months as well? I... Should it be the next six months? No, about a third of the book is on the first six months. Sort of adding to elaborating.

I encourage people to buy the first six months. But I add two. I elaborate on it. And then of course, no more gold leaf and other tips. Don't forget about diapers for dummies. No, I didn't write that. Oh, really? No, no, no, no.

How big can that book be? Oh, it's very long. Really? Yeah, I could have sworn it was by. No, no, no, I advised on it. All right. One of my PhD students, they No, no, no, I advised on it. All right. One of my PhD students, they wrote that as their thesis. I was a test subject.

I was a test subject. And what was it? Yeah, right. Yeah, no, they wrote that as their thesis and they must have worked with you. But I advised them on that. But no, that wasn't my fault. Tom, what's your next problem?

Or can we talk about what are you feeding your kid if not gold leaf? So we're doing all that allergy tests. So a little bit of fish, a little bit of egg, all the fruits, all the vegetables. Haven't done any meat yet. So there's a pescatarian at the moment. Excellent. Yo get, yes, grandpa, do my issue with this. That's a great question. Boring stuff. Yeah. We want to get to the problems. You want to say that that's really boring to me. I don't care what you're feeling, your child. Yeah.

Tell me your next problem. He can roll from his back to his front, but he can't roll back. Ah. Is that a lack of will and determination that you're noticing there in your child? No, I think it's like uncoordination. It doesn't know where to put his arm

or how to push him. It doesn't have the strength, perhaps, to start the movement. Maybe it doesn't have the strength of spirit. Yeah. It's a very spirited young boy. Well, I would say it requires a lot of spirit, a lot of free will to turn back and vigor. And maybe it's because Atlas has a weak character. I don't think so.

I named him after the Titan who carried the world on his shoulders. And he's been named as Artemis, the goddess of hunting. And also because you love Artemis' fair, I believe. Yeah, I did like that. So I think what you're hearing right now from Mark is some examples of some of those outdated ideas. You're probably hearing some advice like that

from your parents and your parents. And it was a test. Have you handled it well because you know why? Why? You protected it. Yeah. I'm actually not confident it was a test. I think you said that advice in all seriousness.

Is this a test? Maybe. Or maybe I'm being a provocateur. I'm going to accuse you now of giving bad advice. Okay. There's gonna be a lot of charlatans out there. There's gonna be a lot of people saying stuff like this. In fact, this was all a test. Yeah.

Advice is like flour. Yeah. Sometimes when you're baking, you need to use a sieve to sift through that flour. And other times, the recipe doesn't call for it, and you just use it as it is. Tom, it is perfectly normal for a six month old. Maybe it's not perfectly normal. I really don't want to be saying on the record anything. Yes.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't perfectly normal, or maybe it is perfectly normal, or maybe it's not perfectly normal. For whatever it was you said, I didn't really listen. But here's the thing, you've got the hand mum. Roll that hand mum over. See what happens. Now there aren't really studies, there's some preliminary studies about hand mum demonstration.

There have been mixed results. And usually I wouldn't be giving that kind of advice, I didn't write this in the book, but you're having some troubles. I say roll that hand, mum, over. Yeah. And see if that has a result. I would recommend reading my book on Fatherhood. Oh, you wrote a book too.

Yes. Okay. Because it covers a lot of this. It's called, so you fall in in love with hand mum. Ah. Which happens? Yeah. This is a phenomenon.

It's a phenomenon. It's more of a ham-wife issue, which was a study that's sort of emerged in the same way. Well, there's a lot of thruples now, due to the recent, because as ham got better, so did the sensation of fucking ham. And that has led just to a lot of couples,

you know, bedding. ham mum, ham mum. See, this is what you've got to understand. It doesn't take a couple of times. Yeah, yeah. That is very pertinent in my book, is that you've fallen in love with ham mum, is for all parties involved. Tom, any other issues? I think we've got time for one more issue, Tom. Maybe we'll get that one last issue in there and give you some advice.

Yes. And then I'd love to know how you're going to take this advice. Put it into practice in the real world. Okay. I don't really care about that. You know what I'm saying? I don't really care about you or your child. Yeah. I'm here to sell my book

Did your new book my new book called called Ham-Mum into the future you mother fucker You're your ham-Mum I'm new I was writing a second follow up to my ham-Mum book and you've just If just come and you've stolen my thunder. Hand mum is one of the most used techniques in parenting today. Of course, there's going to be multiple books about hand mum's. I just didn't know that the release of yours was coming before my, I told you about my sequel to hand mum. I told you about my, you know,

I'm working on hand mum stuff. I must have just forgotten. Mm. Tom, let's feel our issue. So he can sit up by himself now. Okay, I can put the independent leaves. It's a great balance. I can do that. Yeah, it's fucking good.

As great balance, he can lean forward and grab stuff and pick stuff up. But every now and then, he does eat shit. Gotta be careful of that nougan. As in, oh, false over. Yeah, he doesn does eat shit. Gotta be careful of that nougan. As in, oh, false oath. Yeah, he doesn't eat poop. See, here's where one of those rare occasions when I thought when you said he ate shit,

I thought, well, how do you do the crazy time in all seriousness, drop the pretend thing about the books? Finally, my experience owning a dog will actually come because I know how to deal with eating something that's eating shit. And I thought you were leaning towards what I thought the story was going, um, can sit up on his own, but we have to watch him. Yes. Sometimes when he sits up, it's in the pursuit of eating his own poo. Now, just fucking stacks it and you're going to be really careful. Well, again, so both of us thought you were talking about eating shit. And this may help because this

is a story from from my youth, where my brother, I was a baby, I was a little baby, my brother walked in to the lounge room and I was sitting there as a baby on my own. I'd opened up my nappy and I'd taken my feces and I rub them all over my face and my body. And my brother, I was four and a half years older than me, so there's maybe about five at this point, saw that and vomited. And then my cousin, who was about the same age

as my brother walked in Saw my brother vomit saw me with poo and feces all over myself And then he vomited and then my mom had to come in and clean not only a pooey baby But two five-year-olds who were vomited all over the floor. Mark. So I wish you hadn't had specified that that will five years I'll can we just pretend you didn't I'll because you're gonna say yeah So can we just pretend you didn't say? Oh, because you're going to say, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So can we just pretend you didn't specify? Yeah. Mark, enough about last week. What was the story you're going to tell about your child? Very good. Very good. And I just want to say, Zach, that I specifically mentioned the age to avoid that little joke.

That's such a shame. I know. I know. It's funny to think of you with shit through your beard and whatnot. Well, that happens enough these days that I didn't want people to think that it was real. So Tom, we hope our advice to you has been fruitful and positive. Really positive. Yeah. Yeah. What's one big lesson?

One. One of the lessons that we've taught you that you're gonna take away. You're gonna take? I think that, you know, don't fuck Ham-Wife. Yeah, don't fuck Ham-Wife. Well, I mean, you can, just read my book. So you've fallen in love with Ham-Wife.

You've got to understand there's some real division in the academia here. I'm still very anti-fucking in life. Yeah. Mark sees it as a bit of an American pie kind of escapade. I see it as fucking a dead pig. Yeah. Well, parts of a dead pig.

Parts of a dead pig. The flesh. Well, the one part of many dead pigs that have been sort of stuck together with some scotch tape. Yeah. So, to me, that is a taboo still. But not everyone fucks Ham-Wife. You can fall in love with Ham-Wife without fucking it. And in fact, many have.

You can read about this in the sequel to, so you fall in in love with Ham-Wife. So you fall in in love with Ham-Wife but refuse to fuck it. Different. Our books are so different. Are they? Yours is about not fucking a handwife. Mine is about the potential uses of handmum into the future. Some of the less studied areas.

Well, that is chapter six in my book. Oh, it's a touch on it. Yeah, yeah. Well, that is fair, that's good to know. Tom, I hope that you've learned a lot from this. I really don't know how to end this. So, instead of ending it, what I would propose to you is that the podcast just sort of cuts off now. You've been listening to the Antidona podcast.

Thanks for joining us for another rip-episode brought to you by AntidonaClub.com. See you next week!