Aunty Donna Podcast - Fish Bone Submarine Court

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

Two dead men and a Nordic elf.  LINKS  Follow @theauntydonnagallery on Instagram https://bit.ly/auntydonna-ig   Become a Patreon supporter at http://auntydonnaclub.com/   CREDITS   Hosts: Broden Kelly, Zachary Ruane, & Mark Bonanno   Producer: Lindsey Green Digital Producers: Nick Barrett, Jim Cruse & Tanya Zerek Audio Imager: Mitch Calladine  Supervising Producer: Elise Cooper   Managing Producer: Sam Cavanagh   Join The Aunty Donna Club: https://www.patreon.com/auntydonnaSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A listener production. Hello everybody. It's six weeks of Christmas here at the Aunty Donna podcast. Six weeks of Christmas episodes. This episode, we're going to be meeting a little friend, a little helper of Santa and also asking the important questions. You're listening to the Aunty Donna podcast. The greatest fucking podcast in the world. Broke up like a sack and sometimes a guest. We hope you enjoy the motherfucking podcast. Oh ho ho.

Oh. Ho ho ho. Well. Well. Welcome to It's That Chug Christmas Time. I'm the head elf. Oh, it's the head elf here for Christmas. Welcome to the Aunty Donna podcast and our favourite time of the year, the holiday season.

Man, it is, it has been a long, long year. Yeah it fucking ended me. It fucking took the best of me. It's fucking, I've aged, I tell you what, this year I've aged 10. Let me tell you that much. Just once is enough Linz, I reckon we what, this year I've aged 10. Let me tell you that much. Just once is enough, Linz, I reckon we don't need to just have the, or do we need this music on loop for 30 minutes?

Oh, I really don't know. I think on loop for 30 minutes actually, yeah. It has, it took the best from me this year. I look at the people closest to me and I say, I don't love you anymore. Because it was a hard year. None of my hobbies bring me joy anymore. Nothing makes me feel love in the way that I did

in previous years. Something about this year that has drained and destroyed the essence of who I've always wanted to be. That person is, there's no way that I could ever step up to become that man. When I looked at myself when I grew up, I said I wanna do person is there's no way that I could ever yeah step up to become there's nothing that when I looked at myself when I grew up I said I want to do this and I there's nothing I haven't done yes yet I'm dead yes oh okay there's a got this elf here there's a the head elf the head elf Santa's at Santa's workshop I'm sorry to hear you had a bad year.

Yes, hello Elf. Yeah, one of the worst. What is your na- yeah, one of the worst Elf. When I- no food really brings me joy, no art, no television, no film. I hate to be touched. I think you're fine. I hate to be touched now. Something happened this year with physical touch now.

I reject it as a concept now. And I don't understand how I ever enjoyed it. I just eat all brand now. Well I know something that will bring joy back into your life. A small wooden horse. Well, conceptually when I hear a small wooden horse I go, that sounds fucking shit. I fucking hate that idea. I probably want a fucking Xbox then don't you? Like all the fucking little kids now. Yeah well maybe not an Xbox, Xbox is dying. I don't fucking know I just... I'd like a PS5. Oh my god you're monsters. We're monsters?

You know I don't really I'm not really in charge of making the toys anymore. I made the toys for about a hundred years. Do you want to play Mug with us? Uh, do I want to play Mug? Oh, I shouldn't have introduced a character before Mug. I think Mug's next one now. Alright, yeah, fair enough. Sorry about that.

It's me, the head elf, Mr. Gift. The concept of this podcast for the next three to four hours is two dead men. Two dead men. And sort of this Nordic Scandi elf. Yeah it makes sense that that would be my accent. Yeah that's right. Joe stop the music Lindsay please I'm dying it's killing me. It's killing what's left and there's not much of it. Howl howl howl. But Lindsay at any point that you feel that the Christmas spirit is diminishing, coming to the hours, or in Mark and I, two dead men who are limper than a... A dead man's dick.

Yeah, two men who are limper than a dead man's dick. After rigor mortis. After rigor mortis, because the graph would go... We've all seen Clark's. Clerks. Clark's, yes. Yes, Clark's. We've seen the...

We've all seen the film based on the rubber superstore. Clark's Rubber. Clark's Rubber Superstore, where it's two itinerant workers. Anyway, at any point that you feel that the spirit of Christmas is maybe alive, you bring that sound in, and you are in charge of that. Oh, I see, yeah, that's good. But you can't make me feel good about this year. No, I wouldn't expect you to. But what about if I gave you a small spinning top?

A wooden one? Yes, wooden. You're still making stuff out of wood over there? That's when I was last on the production line I was making the wooden things. Yeah. So I'm more admin and stuff. Last on the production line? When I used to work on the production line before my promotions I was making little wooden things. What's that naughty nice list like this year? Pretty pretty, a lot of naughty. Really? Yeah a lot of naughty little boys and girls. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not really my department, I just get the nice list. Yeah. But I was just like, you know, but they do show it, you know, we do know the numbers because I'm CC'd into the big emails. Would it be fair to say that you... A lot of naughty. I know you are a naughty boy.

Well, would it be fair? But for, you know, let's get into why a little bit later because of all the sex stuff sex stuff But fun sex, but you're dead inside. Yeah, I'm dead inside But I had to go see I had to go through A year of sorry. I thought I'd you don't have that power that power It's magical to Lindsay and no one It's Christmas time again. Well, now that's enough. That's all I needed.

All right. What was I saying? Yeah, well, can I talk about me being dead inside? Oh, yeah, please. Recently was Halloween, another favourite. Terrifying. Terrifying night. I'm 35 and childless by choice.

And I put out candy treats for the kids. I put a bowl out. We made a chair out of a ghost. You made a chair out of a ghost. I made a chair look like a ghost. Yes. I didn't make a chair out of a ghost. That's an expert craftsmanship if I've ever heard of it.

If that's true. I didn't take the remnants of a soul ghost. I gotta say, that's some expert craftsmanship, if I've ever heard of it, if that were true. I didn't take the remnants of a soul of a spirit still stuck in this realm and turn them into something you sit on. Yeah, whittle a piece of wooden furniture out of them. That would be quite hard, I imagine. Oh, very hard. Hardest thing to do. But not all chairs are wood.

No, it could be a plastic chair. It could be one of them bubble chairs from the late 90s that you got in a magazine. Is a beanbag a chair? Is a beanbag a chair, yeah. It is? It depends on your definition, but yeah. Anyway, it's a big thing you sit on. For a brief moment, I had the holiday season spirit in me.

Can I say, I'm sorry, I want to take it back. I don't think a beanbag is a chair, I think it is a seat though. You think it's a seat? I think it's a seat. Big enough a couch, but not a chair. Because could it not just be a bag? Can't pull a beanbag up to a desk. If I sat on a man... It depends on how low the desk is and how high the beanbag is. If I sat on a man, is he a seat?

Er, no. But you... You would be a homosexual. Not necessarily. Not necessarily. If that man was erect and it went inside, sure. That's not what I was saying at all! Entirely not! I've sat upon my dear papa! Yeah, exactly!

No, I've sat upon Santa Claus. Elf! Please, elf! My name is Mr... I don't call you man, man. My name is Mr. Gift. Mr. Gift. Mr. Gift. Anyway, so I put these candies out for the children, and I thought I had the holiday spirit in me for a moment. I thought it was reborn in me. Hitted Lindsay. You're wearing sunglasses, so it's hard to see your expression in your eyes. Well it's sunny. I thought, but then the spirit was gone because the children were grabbing. Now more music. Children were grabbing... Now more music.

Come on, Lindsay. The kids were grabbing handfuls, looking me in the eye and stealing handfuls from... So you did get a lot of trick or traders. Oh, I live in the Berbs, immense amounts. The Berbs love it. And not only did kids, there was sweet little children taking it and that would instill the spirit of Christmas in me. Here it is, Lindsay. And cut.

And then it was gone. Then they grabbed handfuls. And then not only that, went out at the end of the night to get at my bowl. Some kid took my fucking bowl. Well, I'll tell you, do you know why? Why? Because they didn't get a treat, so you got a trick. That's how it works. Probably taken at home, kids say taking it home to cut up their chouf. You know what I mean?

How big was the bowl? It was a big like salad bowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the... Who are you going to make the salad from? I don't know! I think you made a rookie mistake in just leaving the treats upon the porch as opposed to needing the children to knock, approve the child and

then give them the treat. That's the way it should be. But I have a reactive dog who would rip their face off so I was like well I better put the bowl away from the dog. Did you at least watch them from the window? Yeah, but I didn't see the... I was watching a thrilling documentary. About what? The election. Which one? The Aunty Donna one? Yeah. Yeah. I was watching footage of us through the debate. Which election? Because whatever election is happening the week this comes out. This year lots of elections. Mr. Gift. Yes,

Mr. Gift. I'm the head elf and I'm only one foot tall. What do you do, Mr. Gift? What do I do? Good question. Good question. Apart from occasionally have an Australian accent. I'm only one foot tall. What do you do, Mr. Gift? What do I do? Good question. Good question. Apart from occasionally have an Australian accent. I'm trying to find the accent. I don't want it to be German. And it's hard to do Scandi. And also, it's not an accent that exists.

It's the North Pole accent. Yeah. So it's sort of... There would be remnants of Scandi. I think it's Scandi, a little bit British, a little bit German, a little bit, you know, it's sort of, it's vague on purpose because it's not a real accent. I'm trying to find a new one.

Mr. Gift. Yes, I'm Mr. Gift. I'm one foot tall. Why, what's it like being down there? What's it like being down, up there, down, doesn't really matter. Good, you know, good. No, no, no, no, no, no, down. I'm talking about your height.

Oh, down here. Well, except for Santa and Mrs Claus, we're all this tall. So everything is sort of at our level. How do the doors, what's the door situation like? Yeah, good question. Are there tiny little handles? Are they normal sized doors with tiny little handles? There's a little door on the big door. So, oh, there's a little door on the big door. Oh, there's a little door on the big door. So there's a big door, sort of like a doggy door. Like a doggy door. You live your life through doggy doors. Is that the meaning?

No, no, because I think you need to understand the big door is the outlier. I mean, Santa doesn't come down to the workshop very often. I go to him more than he comes to me. I sort of give him an update on everything. He really has to focus on his travels. If I live in a house but it's filled with rats, whose house is it? Good question. Filled with rats, whose house is it?

Are you calling me a rat? No, no, no. Does the house belong to the rats if they outnumber... Is it a vermin's home? We sign a 99-year lease and we pay a rent of about 55% of our income. Then Santa earns all of the stores on the North Pole as well, so basically everything we pay ends up going back to normal. Are you sexual beings?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knows that some of us, I mean, I believe Mrs. Claus has been on your podcast before, talked about how some of us have sexual relationships with With the clauses and with each other. Yeah Yeah, although it is very important that the lady elf does not get pregnant with a half half human Yeah, because that baby tearing would be well, you just go for the C-section. I think which is a foot tall. Mm-hmm The baby does not survive to birth.

Yeah, that's horrible. And not as much. Is that a... Do you have to go to another country that... To deal with that? What's the North Pole stance on abortion? You think we don't have elf... We have elf doctors.

Yeah, okay, yeah. I was just wondering if that happens in-house or... You're an abortioner up there, it's okay? Good? Well, yeah, I mean, yeah. Great. I mean, we're a very progressive people. Yeah, I don't even think of that. We're culturally most similar to the Scandies.

It shouldn't be a progressive issue. No, but we are a very progressive people. We have euthanasia. Do you, because of 45, you have euthanasia, you have assisted death? Does the person dying, so if an elf is dying of a terminal illness. So give me an example, an elf is like a terminal illness. A terminal illness for an elf. We have similar illnesses.

We have cancers. We also have like other things like, you know, sadness or the loss of the Christmas spirit. Really, you'll kill someone, well, well, they can come back in an instant. This music is like medicine to us. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if someone, you can die and you would, if someone loses the Christmas spirit, you can assist, give them assisted death. Give them 12 cc's of jingle bells.

Well, I mean, I think you're being very flippant with a very serious condition in the elf community. I was talking about abortion. I'm being very serious about this. You can stop the music now. Thank you, Lindsay. Lindsay? Yes. Thank you, Lindsay. So it's not dissimilar to, so yes, the Christmas spirit, absolutely. Christmas spirit, like you, you lose the Christmas spirit. People have good years, bad years.

It's very, there's a lot of crunch up north. You know, there's a lot of crunch. So sometimes we don't have Christmas. A lot of crunch. Yeah. Like a video game. Crunch. Crunch. We work 23 hour days. Why, Mark, you're looking at me like, yeah, of course. I sleep under my desk. I don't have good years or bad years. I use Michelin. Oh, good, good. Yes, very good. As in the tyres? Yeah, yeah, is that not what you're talking about? No, no, I'm talking about like seasonal depression. Right, right, right, right. My apologies, my apologies, I thought you were talking about preference for tyres on your car.

What do you mean crunch? Crunch time, like I'm working very long hours. Oh, like crunch time. In the build up to Christmas. I'm so sorry Mr. Gift. So we go pretty hard. Like Christmas, I would say Christmas Eve, really the 12 days of Christmas I'm sleeping under my desk.

Can I ask, okay, with assisted dying as a pathway, you know, I'm for it. What if someone's in a position where they can't make that call themselves, they're beyond being able to make that call? I have to be very clear here. We're not like killing people because they lose the Christmas spirit, alright? People lose the Christmas spirit all the time. Okay, yeah. Yeah, so we're not doing that. What we're doing is if after five, six, seven, eight years of having no Christmas spirit, they

start to lose their life. It's like very important to us. It's like vitamin D. You know what I'm saying? So you can take pills to... You can be out of the sun for a year, you'll be okay. Five, ten years, it starts to have adverse effects. They're not dying from the loss of Christmas spirit. And they're dying from the... But the sun isn't the only way that you can get vitamin D as well. So there's probably other ways that you can get the Christmas spirit.

No, Easter spirit, it's very specific. It's more like, what's that one that you get, you know, it's a hard one that you can only really get it from Christmas spirit. And it really, it changes the DNA of the elf. So really what they end up dying from is a lot of them die from that just heart failure. Do they need to say I want to die? Well how easy is it to get that treatment on the North Pole? What do you mean? How easy is it to get the assisted? We're not going to go you know you have to go through a panel How easy is it to get the assisted? We're not going to go, you know, you have to go through a panel. So the hospitals all have a panel of about five senior surgeons and doctors.

No, not the television show, the panel. No, I'm talking about it's a panel of senior medical professionals at the hospitals and they'll look at it and they're not going to go, oh, he's lost the Christmas spirit. Let's say it's like, oh, he's lost the Christmas spirit. That's changed his DNA. He's got renal failure. his heart is on the way out. He's struggling to breathe. You can't breathe without a machine. Yeah, you know all the sort of physical manifestations of that. There's no turning back. Even if he got the Christmas spirit back,

it's not gonna undo the damage. He wants to go. He wants to go in a way that's peaceful. He doesn't want to see his family, you know, he's a little family of family elves That's where I want to drill down. Yeah, is that that else decision? Oh, yes. I would like to go What about no circumstances where suffering is so immense, but they can't all right. We're very empathic beings, right? That's helpful to the point of like, you know, like psychic empaths really right? So you've got a real moral dilemma when I don't envy humans when it comes to euthanasia because you've got to make that call sometimes. How big's your dick?

We know. My dick is like proportional. It varies. It varies, but it's proportionate. Right. Okay. So my dick is... Yeah, micro.

Not for an alpha. If I'm a foot tall and a normal person is six foot tall, then my dick is two inches and that's massive. That's a porn dick. You know what I'm saying? My dick is a massive two inches. Mr. Giff's dick is massive. That's how you get the confidence. To be Mr. Giff.

To be Mr. Giff. Well, I am Mr. Giff, but to be like head of the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like a title. How do you feel given 45% relative to the rest of the world is a huge amount of tax paid? Do you find it creates a work? 55% rent. Fuck.

That's not even the taxes. So like complacency, a complacency of, I guess, work ethic, you know, or do you feel like, do you feel the need to rise in business? So you're looking at what I'm saying and looking at it as similar to Scandinavian structure of a high tax. It's not a tax rate, 55 of rent. It's indentured servitude. And a lot of elders have been trying to unionize.

And I have been called a class trader because I have been the one to crush those unions. Yeah, well someone's big dick. Really? Your massive dick maybe just gives you the power to be able to say, I stand for this and, you know. Yeah, but I'm upper management. I've got more to gain from a non-unionised workforce. I mean, I live in the biggest house in the project. How big is it? A shoebox?

It's huge. So what's a normal house? What's a big house in human terms? 50 square foot. I don't know. 50 square foot's quite small. Yeah, but I like me. No, but I live in a big house. Mark lives in sort of a Japan-esque sort of lifestyle and the sort of small and humble. So my house is...

He loves a wet room. A hundred square meters. Right. The roofs are so high. Highest roofs of any elf house. What are they, two foot? Yeah. My question is...

There's an area with the mezzanine, the living area. The living area to roof is four foot. Let's go, I don't give a fuck about that. What I was wondering about was, on the naughty or nice list- Yeah, tell me about it, Mark. Does it tell you why someone's been naughty? Does it tell you why someone's been naughty? Or is it just a blanket?

Is it a blanket, This person's been naughty, there's an N next to their name, or is it like they've been naughty for such a thing? Do you want to know traditionally or do you want to sort of know the digitized version of it? You know, why don't we explore both? We have time. So we've got a digitized version now. We've had that since 08. We went, we came to the party late. So you get in a PDF not not a PDF. It's more of an internet. So We were doing PDF In addition to the physical list for most of the 2000s and oh eight

Big part when I was in my department, I think this is boring you are that it's what I'm trying to get to the point Yeah, what I'm trying to get to I think that's what I'm trying to get to is Do you know who is a murderer before the courts and before society? Fuck that's a quandary. Because if it says specifically this person is naughty for killing their whole family, but that person isn't currently in jail for that and the crime is being investigated. And what is naughty? Was it naughty to kill Hitler?

Sure. Exactly, or have you done a kindness, or does just the act itself. You shot Hitler in the fucking head. If you went back in time you kill baby Hitler. Are you on the nice list or are you on the naughty list for killing a baby? Yeah, right, right. Well lots of questions. It's very black and white for these people,

but that's an interesting question. Well, you say it's black and white for us. We're scandi. We love to think. So firstly, hyperlink. The list is a list of hyperlinks. And only if you have access can you find out. I don't have the access.

Santa could go in. You don't have the access. I am lucky enough to see the naughty list, right? Really? That's a gift. That's not a- From Mr. Gift. No don't have the access. I am lucky enough to see the naughty list. Really? That's a gift. That's not a... From Mr. Gift. No, to Mr. Gift.

From Mr. Santa. Mr. Claus. Mr. Claus. So, there is a hyperlink. I can't click through the hyperlink. In answer to your second question, I think a lot of people think this list is magic. No. We have detectives.

We have private investigators, we also outsource to some of the larger countries. So we'll just outsource to like a Californian PI. We do a lot of outsourcing, a lot more in the last few years since lower taxes actually, lower taxes, less money. So, you know, we have to outsource more. And then also we have philosophers. We have little elf philosophers. All the questions you're asking, we continue to ask, we continue to debate. It sounds objective, it sounds less binary. It sounds...

Oh yeah, it's always changing. Yeah, it lives in the grave. Always moving. What are the great moral issues of life? There's you know, there's things that, you know, there's positions where it's unclear what is right and wrong. Do you want to hear something really fucked up? Because again, we don't know for sure, but we reckon, we reckon that he bases it on the social mores of the country.

Right. So he's not even basing it on a general, he's not basing it on general morality, what Santa believes is correct, but more what is correct within that. Why? Dig into that, that's really fucked up. Yeah, I go straight to some why. How else would you do it? You know, how the fuck else would you do it? Is it right to step into someone else's home and judge them for the way they keep their house. What right does Santa Claus have to say to someone in Somalia or someone in China? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, he's simply giving gifts as a reaction to beliefs. But also, Sando is a Christian soul. No, he's not. Isn't he? He was, but he's not anymore. Oh, what is he now? He's secular. He's moved to atheism. Oh, right. He's good but he's not anymore. Oh, what is he now? He's secular, he's moved to atheism. Oh, right.

He's good friends with Richard Dawkins. Oh. Yeah. Oh, there you go. I'll deal with that later, but the idea... It sounds he's populist, because wherever he goes, he just wants the approval of that nation state. Ah, sure. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, Santa's only as successful as he is popular, you know? Is it true about him, if you don't believe in him, he dies kind of shit? No. Is it true that, um... Okay. Is it true that... I mean, he loses a lot of his, you know. Is it true about him if you don't believe in him he dies kind of shit? No. Is it true that um... Okay. I mean he loses a lot of his you know. Is it true that each of his bones are a different rare deep sea fish? What's this now? Is it is it true? Mark got on a thing the other day in the office wasn't on a microphone but please Mark go. I'm just wondering, because I've always been like, how does he get down those? Chimneys. Chimneys.

And to me, it would make sense if each of his bones. Were made of. Were made of a different rare deep sea fish. And then my question has always been, well, if he loses one of his bones, imagine the task of needing to replace it, you'd have to get a submarine. Is this like a popular Thing like is this something I'm not sure I'm not sure it's something other people think brother This is this man over here mark walked into the office the other day and said I have the idea for our next show and said

Santa Santas to get down the chimney his bones are made of fish He loses a fish we go to the deep sea to find the fish not made of fish they are fish but a different rare deep sea fish what he pitched as the but is this based on anything is this is this a belief where it's based on how does a man of that size and proportion have the ability to get down the chimney and I mean I have the answer to that It's the fish bones, right? No, but I mean there's so many ways you could do it Really? Why is it like what if what about these stretches and squeezes like Mr. Fantastic? That's insane That's a crazy. That's a crazy. Don't you see mark?

That your notion as is as if not more absurd not if Not that Santa's bones are fish and when he loses one you have to go to the deep sea to find the rare fish Your notion is as if not more absurd. Not if. Not. That Santa's bones are fish and when he loses one you have to go to the deep sea to find the rare fish. You see this is like, it could be true. But no more or less. It's a strange thing to have landed on. There's very little physical evidence pointing to that.

Well it's just a, it's an old fable. Who? Who's fable? Well, well then define, define who? Like really? Have you heard this before? No. So you've just come up with the theory.

Yes. In Santa Claus. Yes. Instead of bones, he has rafish. And if he loses a bone, you've got to go to the deep sea. And there's probably a team. Can I say something? Of young boys who execute this plan because they're expendable.

It's like you lose a couple boys. How do they expend the plan? Pardon? What plan? The plan to replace the fish. I think at the very least, there is a film, like a two and a half hour film in the story of the boys who have the submarine, they go into the dark, the deep sea, like the deep sea. Because we've only explored how much

of the sea, a percent? Not a lot. Not a lot. 98. To find the bone, to find bones for Santa? Not to find bones, to find fish. That are? And the right fish, because each bone is different.

What happened to his bones? Why, I don't understand the amount of questions. Well, can I explain to you why I'm asking these questions? Yes. What happened to his bones? Why? I don't understand the amount of questions. Well, can I explain to you why I'm asking these questions? It is very strange to me that you have gone, you've identified a problem, which is that Santa Claus goes down into the chimney and that's hard to do in some chimneys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that core problem first.

Great problem to address. A very scientific approach there. And then you've gone, all right, here's my hypothesis. Your hypothesis, you're telling me is based on nothing. It's just popped into your head. It's based on thought. Yeah, but it's not based on any stories or tales. Why would fish be more... Why not jelly?

Why not jelly? Deep sea fish, remember. Because they're from the deep and they're, we don't know what they look all fucked up as well, which is something that's very important to address. So I just want to, does he look like a big bunch of fish wrapped in skin? No. What does he look like? Like, like normal Santa?

Okay. So what I'm trying to explain to you here, why I am shocked is because you've gone and you've said here's my here's my here's the Question here's my hypothesis based on nothing yet somehow you're correct. Mm-hmm really Really I just don't understand how I mean we've got that I use the I used the wrong formula but I got the right answer. We've kept that under wraps for so long. Yeah. And somehow some comedian in Australia has figured out Santa's bones are made of fish. That's incredible.

He's messaged me every night since I came into the office of this boy. I don't blame him. And he's going, you're a fucking idiot. I'm going to kill you. This is the most, I'm upset. Count your days mate, I wrote to him last night. But can you see that he's still kind of right because there's there's no reason why his bones should be made of fish. I think you've heard it somewhere.

I just I just I think you must have heard it somewhere forgotten it and remembered it. Yeah, that's crazy that you'd have correct because he is That's wild that is wild. You go to him you say how you doing and he goes I'm good, but sometimes he has to make a little cut in his skin and put fish food in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, Santa Claus, every couple of days, has to make little incisions in his skin.

Because his bones are made of fish. They are fish. They are fish. And he puts fish food, you know little fish foods? He puts it into the wound, it's quite body horror style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Santa Claus is covered in little scars from feeding the fish. His face, everything. He doesn't look like he's made of fish. This

is the one layer you probably didn't predict. He looks like normal Santa Claus, but he's just covered in lots of tiny little cuts to feed the fish. The fish in his face, his skull is made of four fish. They are four fish. They are four fish. They are four fish. That's fucking crazy. Now it's the submarine story because sometimes what happens is like a dog, like you have a dog, a dog might eat one of the fish thinking it's just a fish. Yes. Because what he does is he peels off his skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He turns the fish. That's how he gets down.

He throws the skin down first and then all the fish flow down. Yeah. Right? And then he reassembles at the bottom of the... Come back together. But sometimes a dog or a cat... Cats love the little sardine toes. Oh, they love it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not sardines. They're a rarer fish, but we call them sardine toes. Sometimes a dog or a cat will have to munch on them. It's not a boy. You got that wrong. It is us elves. Oh.

So when he comes back, he's often missing three, four, five fish bones or fish. And then we have to, there's a team, special team of elves. Is this interesting to you? I fucking, I can't believe how much I nailed this. Of no real knowledge, more just like a gut feeling. And then we have a big Nautilus style. That's giving me Christmas spirit. You've got, oh, there we go.

So most of the elves, they work during Christmas time or before Christmas. Yeah. A special set of seal type out, not like seals, like, you know, in Navy Seals. Navy Seals, yeah, yeah, yeah. They get into like an old, beautiful old, ornamental, nautilus-style submarine.

Yeah. And they spend most of the first half of the year diving through the ocean, looking for new bones. Other thing is, it doesn't have to be the same bone. So he could replace it with anything so long as it's the right shape and size. I reckon there's a Jag style TV show in this of like the elves. There already is. Like the, the lot there is yeah of like the lawyers that are dealing show with the with the like

issues of the submarine team That's what's the fuck you're talking about Jack. He just confirmed it No, Mr. Giff just confirmed that there is a jag style show and no No The gift just confirmed that there is a Jag-style show. No and no! What do you mean? No! How do you know? Why wouldn't we watch a Jag-style show? I don't accept it. About the things?

Why wouldn't I watch that? I don't accept that's a good idea for a show. That there's one submarine that needs its own sea- The most popular show! That it needs its own sea court! There's not one submarine! For the deep sea crimes that happen while the elves are trying to find the fish, the specific fish.

I don't accept that there needs to be an ocean court for the army. Well there is. For the navy. You don't have to accept it. I'll get to you. You don't have to accept it. I don't accept that that's a good idea. And you Mr. Give, I don't accept it exists.

Why? I know that court. What would, what? Name me eight episodes. My father was a Navy man. Name me eight episodes of this show that exist. Oh, Christ. Uh, the last episode I watched. Yeah.

Of Jag. Of Jag. It's not called Jag. It's called like, it's called Fish Submarine. Fishbone Submarine Court. Fish Submarine Court. Name me eight episodes of fishbone submarine. Do you want hypothetical episodes or 8 that I can remember?

You said it exists. So I want the episode. The last episode I watched was about there was a fight in the gully of one of the ships, not the submarine, one of the ships. And one elf in the fight accidentally killed the other elf. Great, one episode of this show. And there's a court case about that, was it manslaughter, was it murder? Two. Two, number two, there was an episode where, um, where...

I've seen it by the way, so I can hear. You said it was an idea! I've seen it, I've seen it, I've just realized I've seen it too. So there's an episode where... Jag! One of the fish, and this is based on true story, sort of Laura and Order style, and I've seen it, I've just realised I've seen it too. So there's an episode where... Jeg! One of the fish, and this is based on true story, sort of Law and Order style, and this is a two-part, does it count as two episodes? Yeah.

So there's a two-part episode about one, there was one person that was working for one of the submarines that goes to find the fish bones, and, or the bonefish, whatever, and he was actually not deep sea diving, he was buying the fish from a trader from China. So there's a fish trader from China who's breeding fish and he was buying them and that was controversial because, you know, he was... I buy it, I buy it. I got five. Four? Four was about a man who was killed by his wife, but he was a sealed man. So he was a...

Why would the Navy court... Because it happened on the grounds of the... It was on the clock. Yeah, so you know how they stay on bases? Yeah, okay. So it happened on the base. Yeah, your question pretty fucking quick, Sam. And I would say in real life, in real life, no, it possibly wouldn't be covered by the

court, but this has been going for eight seasons and they've started to smudge a little bit. Like NCIS smudges a little bit. Or JAG. Or JAG. Another episode, I remember there being one that was like a musical episode. Do you worry that doing this podcast and like our audience are younger, they might not know what JAG is? Yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, that's on them to do the research. That's not hard to look up and watch a couple of great classic episodes. It's in our edition readings anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're young and you're out there, you don't know what JAG is. I can't remember what it stands for something about the Navy

It's a guess It's a Jag Justice Justice are good justice. I have the answer. Oh, what is it? Oh, I want to guess It's not justice are good judiciary Judiciary it is a real Navy term because I remember I saw an episode of Star Trek once where they had a jag.

Yeah. They're the lawyers, names of the lawyers maybe. No, tell me. The Judge Advocate General's Corps. Yeah, right, right. Judge Advocate General. And thank you for listening and I hope this, that flame of, give me a bit, that flame of Christmas in your heart, we will be doing five weeks of Christmas content. Yeah.

Mr. Gift, thank you for giving us the gift. Thank you so much, you know, thank you for having me and congrats on figuring that out. My god, I can't believe I fucking cracked that egg. You want me to send you some DVDs of Fishbone Submarine Court? Yes, and I'd love to just see any footage of Santa removing his skin, his bones turning, not his bones turning into fish, just his bones are fish, the fish going down the chimney and he reassembling himself. That would be a real true side project. Like Oogie Boogie in Nightmare Before Christmas.

If there's DVDs of it, I'd love to see some of the footage of this show. Yeah I'll send you some box sets. Let me know, I'll talk to Lindsay afterwards. It depends out, let's, well why don't you check up that list and see if Broden Kelly has been naughty or nice. He's been nice. Oh, well then there you go. This year.

Close us out, to close us out singing the Jingle Bells song is Mark Broden and Mr. Gift. Here we go No, I don't like this, I don't like this. I want it to start from the start You can do this but this is not here Now we start it again, alright? Here we go. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to ride and wander all the way Hey!

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way I didn't realize this was actually Jingle Bells Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Hey! Hey! Again!

No. Hit it. Hit it. There we go. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

Jingle bells, jingle all the way Again! It's still going. Stop. Again! Again! I need to sleep! Again! They're going. Stop. Again! Again! I need to sleep. Again! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Bells, jingle bells. Great. Again. No, done, done, done, done. Stop, stop. Again.

All right, one more time Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Again! No, no, no, no. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Jingle all the way.

Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way.

Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Jing jingle all the way Jingle all the way Lindsay, stop recording now, quick! Again! Stop! Stop! Stop! Again!

Stop recording! You've been listening to the Aunty Donna podcast. Thanks for joining us for another RIP episode brought to you by AuntieDonnaClub.com. See you next week!