Aunty Donna Podcast - #NUGGETGATE

Episode Date: May 2, 2018

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A list-snuff production. Hello, welcome to this week's podcast, um,-non-podcast recording live from Wellington. Yep. New Zealand. As I say things, you just fact check it, so... Alright. Okay. We're in at Wellington. No.

You're fired from fact check. I need someone to fact check me. You can't just be, you can't rely on one fact checker. That's the lesson I'm trying to teach you today, Broden. You can't just say, you fact check me and, and then have that fact-checker know all the facts. Do you understand? No. Tom fact-check me.

Uh, Broden is correct, Mark is wrong. There we go. Thank you. See, secondary sources. We're in Wellington, and if you're a cross-air social media, you would have seen that Zach some at some period light in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. That's true. That does exist. Turn into a nugget chicken vegan chicken nugget. Yes. We don't know the circumstances

No, none of us were there when it happened. He just turned up to work one day and was a vegan chicken nugget. Yeah. Um... And we've been... we haven't... all the podcasts up until now have been recorded before he was a nugget. So the Michelle one was pre-nugged. That's true. I can confirm that. Tom, fact check me. That's true. And we've been struggling with how do we do a podcast with three of us.

I'm just fact checking that. I've never struggled with how this was going to work. Tom. Mark, you haven't mentioned if it was going to struggle or not before. So we don't know. How are we going to get Zach to talk? Was the issue?

No. Please excuse me as well. I'm a bit congested today. We're doing this in traffic. My nasal cavity. Oh, sorry. Not true. No, true.

Tom. Very true. We've through some work. Brodan's watching basketball while doing this podcast. Just so everyone knows. I'd like to welcome Zach to the podcast so that everyone knows that it's true. Well, just wait a second, Zach, we're going to finish this beat. Yes, I am watching the playoffs on my laptop. You're just strapping it?

I sort of eye to it. No, because every time I go to a radio station, whether it A, B, C, triple J or triple M, they've got ten TVs on and it's just about having an eye to what's happening in the world While you host it. All right, but just know I'm judging you. Great. I'm congested too. We are congested. Would like to introduce. Of course. The vegan chicken nugget. Zach. Hello We'd like to introduce of course the vegan chicken nugget Zach Hello Now what we've managed to set up we've got

Oh Yes, I Am using my nugget crumbs to type what I want to say and do a text to speech converter That's right. So. Was that clear? That was very clear to me. So he's using his nugget crumbs in place of his hands and knees to tie. Yes.

He's going to be performing here, gris. Just don't cut me off. When I'm talking, please, Zach. It's really important. If you have something to say, raise your crumb. I'm going to lose my breath. OK, Zach. It's really important. If you have something to say, raise your crumb. I'm a little bit... Okay, sorry. Um, I'd like my first question to you because we haven't been really able to communicate

with you because you've been in Nogget. And it's been very hard to not eat him. Yeah. Fact check that. It's true. I love nuggets. I'm a checker nugget. Yes. Am I first question to you, Zach?

How do you? Yes. Yes. My question. Is there a delay? Does he type press yes and then there's a delay? Because he seems to be cutting us off a lot. Yeah.

Or is he doing it on purpose? My first question to you is how did this happen? Okay, so now we wait. Now we wait for him to use his... I have to type which takes time mark. He has to type which takes time mark. Right, but what what you could do is type wait for an appropriate moment to press play and then press play. Would it feel? Yes. What it feels like you're doing is you're purposefully, or deliberately, or deliberately. Okay, sorry.

He's got some presets, I feel. Okay. How did you become a chicken nugget, Zach? Okay, so just a a chicken nugget, Zach? Okay, so just a vegan chicken nugget. So just over on our home knows what's happening right now. The chicken nugget has, well, it's done. Don't worry about it.

So the vegan chicken nugget is now telling me to continue explaining what was just happening, which was it had flipped up onto its side, got near the phone and was using its chicken nugget crumbs to type. And now I believe it's done and it's ready to answer Brodon's first question. I don't know sadly. Sadly the chicken nugget doesn't know. That's so long. What do you mean you don't know? One day you were in your or a zack and then one day you're a nugget we would not give in any information about how that happened

sorry but it is hard to type with crumbs I don't understand that either you guys didn't be okay with how do you type with crumbs well I imagine that there's sort of a like an electromagnetic field around the vegan chicken nugget Because as we all we are all human beings we possess a lot of energy We exude a lot of hate yeah, and I imagine that with why imagine you are looking at me What imagine you're looking at me You why imagine why imagine why imagine you are looking at me So why imagine I are looking at me?

So why imagine I'm looking at him? But yes, what I see... What I'm saying is that I see the crumbs just floating just a little bit above the nugget. Okay, sorry. He's very apologetic nugget. Yeah, I feel like Zach's gotten a lot more, yeah, yeah, he seems to have a lot more compassion. He doubts himself more.

He does, he has a lot more self-doubt, but those things have to do with like, how he'll be making love and what it would be like to paint, because Zach has an excellent painter. And since he's turned into a nugget I feel like his confidence has been shook because he doesn't possess the things one need to make love or paint such as Oh, oh, oh, Willie a Willie I wasn't gonna be so crude. I love being crude

Willie or a dick or a and while we talk he's writing his next message It is hard to make love and paint when you have even chicken nugget a willy or a dick or a... And while we talk he's writing his next message. It is hard to make love and paint when you have vegan chicken nuggets. He said that he'd just again? Sorry? I know. He's already on the next one. I want some clarity on this narrative. My pain is deep and real. He's paid his deep and real.

Is deep and real for a human being or for a vegan chicken nugget, for a sentient vegan chicken nugget. Do you remember the past, are your memories of being a human boy, or are your memories of being at the vegan factory where they create the foe meat protein at a very soy-based products? Are you a nugget that has been given a soul or are you Zach and your body has changed?

Yeah, cuz that's the thing we haven't completely confirmed My belief is that he's Zach and he's he's physically changed right, but he's still Zach see I'm under the impression That he is a nut. he was born a nugget this is just a sentient nugget yeah that is potentially murdered Zach. Yeah. Taken his place. Zach's dead or locked up in a basement somewhere. Yeah. And then we come into a room one day and there's a vegan chicken nugget going, hey I'm Zach. What was that? I'm probably nugget needs to probably put his phone on silent. It's probably a good idea.

So I think those are the two options. He speaks. I have all my human memories. I am still Zach but I have physically changed like Kafka's Metamorphosis. But into a nugget You're what? Listen again to the I have all my human memories. I am still Zach, but I have physically changed like calf cosmetamorphosis Yes, but into a nugget But into a nugget. Do you have any I do you want to become a human again?

And we wait. Or alternatively, alternatively. If you are a nugget that has taken our friend's act, put him somewhere, locked him up. Do you wish to be a boy? Yes, I miss my human form so dearly. I need you to confirm for me 100% that you are not a sentient nugget who is pretending to be Zach because I feel like very easily a nugget could do that. Any anyone could do that. I've seen lost highway.

So many want to dip me in sweet mustard sauce and eat me whole What what just to get So many want to dip me in sweet mustard sauce and eat me whole who I don't want to do that it you hurl It you you hurl it you here many Memy many It's you here many many many Memy are you mispronouncing meme? I am a chicken nugget. Yeah, okay. We're across that. We completely understand

It's just it doesn't talk like Zach. No is my he speaks but he's talking about Kafka. Yeah It that's why I have my doubts. But that's just me. When I look at this nugget in the eyes, the eyes, when I look at them in the crumpley bits, I see Zach. You know what I mean? Have you seen the movie where Kevin Spacey plays a cat?

A holler man. No, that's Kevin Bacon. Kevin Spacey, pre-getting caught out He's in that movie where he plays a cat Right and his wife is Jennifer Garner who's very age appropriate. Yep, and He's connecting with his daughter Through Dancy with her as a cat. Oh, I thought you were gonna say through Wi-Fi

No, no, no, through. What do you remember when the movie's called? I believe it has two different names. I believe for the Australian market, or for the overseas market was called Mr. Whiskers. Really? Very similar to Whiskers. I think or something like that.

Hold on, I'm going to look it up, but there's definitely two names. You know who would know this, the vegan chicken nug nugget If the vegan chicken nugget is Zach I Know that on the doubt that Zach would know the two names just as the Kevin's face about obscure actors from the two thousand That's how we'll know yeah, yeah, I want to get to the bottom of this I Also want to figure out if this will last a half hour I am Zach the Zach you have always loved. But no.

I am a yummy nugget. I have had more time to read in my time as a nugget. This is the Kafka reference. Well, if you had more time to read. Surely everything takes longer, like talking to us. How... How do you... Do you...

Have... Genitals. How do you do you have genitals? No, I do not have genitals. Just a small bump in my temporary coating. A small bump. A small bump. Yes. So how is that not? So why, so what's the, what is the bump reproductive? What is the bump? Is that a clue? No.

So it's just a coincidence that there's a bump there, or there's a bump instead of where your genitals should be as a chicken nugget and atomically. It's just using his crumbs to explain this. I don't, I don't understand why you, I feel like it's a yes or no question. And I feel like we've been given a middle ground and I'm very confused. We should try and that'd be a good thing. We should just try and give him lots of yes or no questions. Yeah. Please try to stick to yes or no questions. Oh my god. All right.

That was a yes or no question. Should we try and stick to yes or no questions? He's typing. He's typing. I get his time. Mark, I don't want to get down in the dumps. Okay. I can't see this group going forward with one of us being a food. It's been difficult, it's been trying. The live shows, we've had to get, they've dipped massively. We've had to get Tom to wear a whole black morph suit so no one can see him.

And we strap Zach onto a fishing line. And it sucks. It sucks. It fucking sucks. Please don't mention dip. Don't mention dip. What about sources? Can we know? No sources. Why? Yes or no question? Why? What? Please try to stick to us or no questions. But, is it, are you, does it scare you?

Does it frighten you if we were to mention the name of a source? Honey mustard. Mayonnaise. Soy sauce. Er. What? Ice cream. I think it's cream.

Ice cream again Oh You said horrified it gets spooked so hey hey Zach hey Zach ketchup. Yes. Oh Yes, he loves ketchup. No, he doesn't love ketchup Oh, we scared him again. We scared him again. Hey, you guys were to hear a ghost story. Oh, I love spooky stories Tom put in some spooky music here You look at Tom's face. There's a fucks like Here we go spooky story time. All right, um story after you tell a spooky story I'm a f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f Alright, this is the story of a camp who's wasting all my fucking time.

Oh, a man called Broden. Oh, what? Who? Wait, are you telling the story of this? Yeah, it's a bad guy called Broden. But not you. With the biggest dick in the world. It's definitely not him.

He's talking about another brody. And he's walking. Yeah, the street in Wellington. This very Wellington were in tonight for our four shows. Would you want the biggest dick in the world? No. Would that make you happy? That's why it's scary.

Oh, right. Yeah, because people say it in there, because everyone's like, I would hurt, I want to hit that bro, I want to tap that bro. And then they get you in the bedroom and it's like, well, I can't work with this. And it turns out,

it is this scary you by the way, is that? We'll just wait, we'll just wait. I reckon if you cut out all the waiting. By the way, yeah. This is one of the reasons why it's not sustainable at dawn. I know how he's scared. Right. How are we scared?

Yeah, how are we supposed to continue doing our classic quick-witted podcasts? Duck, duck, duck. One way. Yeah, yeah. When it takes... Mark joke, bro. Exactly. When it takes one of our strongest improvisers a

Minute to write yes and Yes, and yes, and hey, let's just try and do it all right. All right. Let's just try and keep keep the spooky story I was just trying to do a wacky energy thing like hey have you had some dominoes pizza lately? Yeah, I have actually, I really love the meat lovers pizza. Don May loves pizza too. For the profit they add to his company. Yeah! We should try double- double those pizza and New Zealand. Oh, I'm gonna try and order that new vegan pizza! Oh God. You can cut the spooky music, tell me. Okay.

Why didn't I just never put it in there? No. I hope it does not have nuggets on it. Wh-whoa-whoa-whoa! I hope it does not have nuggets on it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm sorry, we're going to talk about this. Is it time to get in and you? A new chicken nugget. And you can talk faster? Yeah.

I was just saying, it may be. So then I would be a cannibal. If you ate a pizza with chicken nugget, not if they were chicken nuggets, you're a vegan chicken nugget. Oh, but I said the vegan pizza. Right, I understand. Is there any pizza with nuggets on top of it? We are all nuggets.

You got a bit racial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's not racist at all. I am not a nugget. I said you got racial. What's the difference? Oh, it's not racist at all. I am not a nugget. I said you got racial. What's the difference? Oh, it's in racial, ghoul. No, you talked race.

I didn't say you were racist. I said you talked race. Checking your vegan, I will not eat my nugget brothers. I hate this. I hate this. I want a comedian back. I want a third comedian who I can bounce rep I'll say with. Yeah, I'm

Look, I am willing To go down this path with Zach as a chicken nugget. Um, because Sometimes late at night I get hungry and There's not a lot of food in the house. Yeah, you were in Isaac. I'm not saying I wanna eat Isaac. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen, you're not listening. You're not- Do you have a helicopter? Don't eat me. Don't eat you. I'm not saying I'm going to eat you. I'm saying sometimes very late at night, very rarely. I get very hungry. There's no food in the fridge. And if I know one of my best friends is a chicken nugget,

and I really like vegan chicken nuggets, then all I'm saying is that maybe one night I can have a little bite, and that will cure my hunger, and then I... No. You can't have eaten. See, this is what him see this is what I'm not eating him no benefit to having Zach in the group anymore But it's not like you played out I I'm just saying a nibble. I'm not gonna eat you respect that he doesn't want to be eaten Zach would eat me all the time when he was a human He would pop into my room. Is that true, Zach? You're just wait. This is the podcast from down there, man. It's...

Yes. Yes to what I've forgotten what the question was. I think he used to eat you. Yeah, he did. So, and I never wanted to eat Zach because not my, that's not my speed. It's not your speed. It's not my speed. That's not how I travel. It's not the pace at which I travel.

I don't. Is that a turn of phrase? I don't know, I was thinking that. It's a phrase that I've turned on its head. All right. Oh, all right. Oh, what show is it dead? I wish I was a chicken nugget. Really? Yeah, I do. I do. I would love to know exactly how it happened to Zach.

My temperate batter works as a rudimentary nervous system. One bite could kill me. That's what you got. I didn't say it again. I know that. It took so long to get here. My temperate battery works as a rudimentary nervous system. One bite could kill me. So your nervous system is on the outside of your body. That is an inherent flaw in your evolution as a chicken nugget. Oh, that is a good question. Were you... Where else?

I have no brain. No, but it would be on the inside. Were you, did you evolve into a chicken nugget or were you turned into a nugget on the Bother Whims of a Wizard? Yeah, that's... Yeah. I would like to know that. Have you been cursed? or will you turn into a nugget on the by the whims of a wizard? Yeah, that's, yeah. I would like to know that. Have you been cursed? Did you steal some vegetables from a witch's garden

and the witch decided to then put upon you a curse? No, I had worked about two weeks ago as a nugget. A wolf. This all I know. That's all you know. Did you somehow find a lamp with a trickster Janie in it? And you said to the Janie... No. Okay.

What did you eat, Fendina the Night Priya? It's good. Did you eat Fendina the Night Priya? It's good. See, because now not only do we have to wait for Zach to think of the witty ad answer. Yeah, he's the guy who's gonna write it. He then has to type it. So that's sort of double like, oh. Pasta aloe oil.

Pasta aloe oil, so oily pasta. Well pasta with. Well pasta with olive oil garlic chili and parmesan. Yes. Yeah, how was it? Do you it did you actually have that's it? Good it was good Now we're just waiting to hear if he did actually have it or not Yes, okay, do you feel it there's any could potentially be any correlation between your diet? Then I became a nugget. Yes, I know. Is there anything that happened in the days leading up to this magical occurrence, that we could just have been the reason that you are now a nugget. Did you read a book? Did you go, did you speak

to a wizard? Did you eat something obscure? What happened? And... So surely... Surely something, I don't think there's ever been a person in the history of the world who has just gone to sleep. Done nothing, had no strange experiences and then woke up the next morning as a completely different entity. That features a tempura coating coating with the central nervous system. All I can think of is that for many months before and I have the most vivid dreams of nuggets.

Right, okay. Okay. All right, well that's a clue. Okay. Vivid dreams of nuggets. Well, describe them in long form prose and in beautiful text, language, described for me these kind of dreams you would have. I... I wonder how this could be connected.

How would you... Have you ever dreamt of something? And then how did it come true? Must I have a wet wet dream isn't it? Well, no, because a wet dream would be like you're having sex with like Harley-Berry. But if you drink and then you're having sex with Harley-Berry. Harley-Berry. Yeah, Harley-Berry. So there's like a bike.

Like, yeah, like a, yeah, yeah, a Harley made of berries. You never dreamt you've been fucking a motorbike made out of boys and berries No, but if you're dreaming you're coming and then you are coming and then you're waking you're coming Have you ever had a wet dream? No, I've had one yeah, and it was real intense Yeah, right when? It was at my ex-girlfriend's house I was sleeping in her childhood bedroom and I can't explain what happened I never had one I was 21 years old maybe 22 that is strange yeah and like some people were talking to me in high school

like this one guy in high school was like sometimes I won't masturbate for a week or two weeks Just so I can have a wet dream and it made me build it up. It's like his balls would build up You know, I can never wait that long. What does the nugget have to say? It is so hard to describe my dream. I did not experience it in any human way It would be too simple to say I was a nugget. Rather, everything was nugget. All I saw, all I failed was nugget. So it's amazing that the nugget can still laugh. Yeah, he is fake laughter. Like Zach is almost like the entire body of Zach is trapped inside the nugget

somehow. That's someone else. Oh, there's just another question. We should have another question. There's a few photos coming out of it. Yeah. You're spreading fake news. All right, Mr. Trump. Calm down. I didn't realize we're talking to Trump get... ...Trump get. ...and chicken Trump get. Be careful what you say. Excuse me? Is that a... I'm sorry, did the nugget just threaten you?

It felt as if... Because I mentioned that there'd been a few photos of people that look like Zach... ...that... Also Trump think would have been cleverer. Sorry, what? Also Trump it would have been cleverer. Also Trump it would have been cleverer. But then a trumpet is just a, that's already a thing. That's already a thing.

True. How do you grade with me? Um, why? There's been a few, on the other day on an Instagram. Sorry Mark. It's alright. How do you grade with me? Um, what why? There's been a few on the other day on an Instagram. Sorry Mark. It's alright. On the other day on an Instagram story,

there was Tom took a story of him and someone who looked like Zach in an elevator. Was that... And the other person looks like Zach. Tom posted an old video. Trump posted an old video. No Tom. Tom.

Tom posted an old video. Why did he do that? Why would he post an old video to an Instagram story? Yeah, how would you even... I mean... Is that even really possible? Tom is insane and unwell. Tom is insane and unwell. Tom is insane and done well.

Tom, what was that true? Yes, true. No, explain to me what happened. I don't buy into this fucking bit, boys. I was in the elevator on a film, Zach and I uploaded it to an Instagram, alright? Whoa, whoa, okay, huge, huge revelations here, going on at the anti-donna podcast. I made a mistake, it was an old video.

I- Tom, anything else you'd like? Wait, oh wait. The nugget just put one of its crumbs up at us. Told us to stop talking. And now it's asking Tom to say something else and it looks like Tom has something to say. I will be making no further comments

from what information talk to Nuggetzak. So now we can't even talk to Tom. The rabbit hole is getting deeper. Or should I say Nugget hole? This feels like Nuggetzgate. This feels like Nuggetzgate. This feels like Nuggetzgate. What the fuck is going on?

Are you a Nugget or are you a human? I am a Nuggetz. But what proof do we have? I mean, right now, in front of me, I've got I will sue you all. You sue us. For what? For speaking the truth? For speaking out against hypocrisy? He just threatened to sue us because we think this interview is over. Well, it's not an interview, it's our podcast. Oh, he's here. I can't just do that and he's gone. The nugget's gone.

Fuck. It just disappeared. Something's up here. Something is totally up. Join us next week and for every week after this. Forever. Well, we talk to the nugget and get to the bottom of what's going on because it has felt to me like the nugget is manipulating the people closest to him.

He is obscuring the facts. He is presenting alternative facts as to how, why, when and if, Zach is truly a nugget. You're just next week. Tom, can you put like, um, uh, inqu music, inquisitor music, over that big coin. Inquisitor. Inquisitor. Inquisitor music. I can't fucking talk.

Yes. Goodbye. You've been listening to the Antidona podcast. Thanks for joining us for another rip-up episode brought to you by AntidonaClub.com. See you next week! you