Aunty Donna Podcast - Our First Ever Zoom Call Feat. Maria Bamford

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

It’s March 2020 and our trip to New York City to pitch the Kellogg’s Variety Pack to the Head of Albertson’s Groceries, Maria Bamford, has been postponed so we’re jumping on a Zoom call instead.   LINKS  Maria Bamford is performing in Hobart, Adelaide, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne & Perth. Buy tickets here: https://www.destroyalllines.com/tours/maria-bamford   Follow @theauntydonnagallery on Instagram https://bit.ly/auntydonna-ig   Become a Patreon supporter at http://auntydonnaclub.com/   CREDITS  Hosts: Broden Kelly, Zachary Ruane, & Mark Bonanno   Guest: Maria Bamford Producer: Lindsey Green Digital Producers: Nick Barrett, Jim Cruse & Tanya Zerek Audio Imager: Mitch Calladine  Supervising Producer: Elise Cooper   Managing Producer: Sam Cavanagh  Join The Aunty Donna Club: https://www.patreon.com/auntydonnaSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A listener production. I'll tell you what, sometimes we get to do cool things with this podcast. An icon for each of us growing up was Maria Bamford, one of the great comics of their generation. We love them and we're lucky enough to have them as a guest today on this romp. Maria is touring Australia very soon. The link to her show and the tour is in the details in the bit where you look at the podcast, it's below that. And if you want to see the visuals or any other stuff that we do together, then the Aunty Donna Club powered by Patreon, auntydonnaclub.com forward slash, yeah no, it's auntydonnaclub.com.

Enjoy this Maria Bamford episode, this was a huge thrill for us. Enjoy. Bye March 2020 Hi, hi everybody. How are you? Sorry. Don't be sorry. I didn't know there was a waiting room situation. Hello?

Hello? Hi everybody. Oh, we're all in different rooms. Yes, it's the, yes, the new normal. I'm sorry. I wasn't aware of the context before we probably set this up. Hello? Hello?

Hello? Yeah. Hi, how are you? Are we Hello? Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hi, how are you? Are we good? Good, I'm good. This is fun, isn't it? Oh, there's a delay. It's a bit like Skype.

You're on a Zoom. I'm on a Zoom. And you're on a Zoom. Hello? Hello? Is there any way to make my face smaller? I'm good, thank you. I think you just need to pull pull back the camera or the or just sit back. No it's just hello. I can't stop

watching myself. I'm just watching I'm just watching myself. I've got me big on the screen because I've just accepted it. I'm just gonna jump in. Oh sorry no you go I was just talking about. Sorry before we... Sorry you go. No you go. Before we get into the go. I was just talking about. Sorry, before we... Sorry, you go. No, you go. Before we get into the conversation... I might just jump in. Oh, you go. You go. Look, before we get into this, I think, obviously, this is the... Well, only lockdown, hopefully. You go. Maybe first lockdown of COVID. Yes. We're doing Zoom for the very first time, but I think we should bring in the client

into the Zoom meeting. I think we've got a hang of the Zoom now. What's your pitch for the client? You didn't read the email? No. We were going to fly to New York City and do this pitch. We practiced it in person in the office on the last day in office before the lockdown and you don't remember the pitch at all? Hello?

Hello? No, you go. Can I bring the client in? Bring her in. Just, yep. Yep. Hello? Hi.

It's great to see you guys. I hope you're safe and you're well and that your families are well. I'm here in New York and we're just living day by day, but I'm excited to hear the pitch. Obviously things are kind of catch as catch can right now. Yes. The world's gone crazy. Are you disinfecting your bananas? Yes. No, and I laugh out of anxiety that I'm in fear of being infected and dying. But yes, disinfecting everything.

Yes, all you can do is laugh, I think, at the moment. It really is unprecedented times, isn't it? But it's nice. I've been home with my kids and exercising from home and back in the garden. I'm thriving, to be honest. It's been one day. I haven't been allowed to leave the house, but I am thriving. Let me tell you that much. Well, and that's the kind of turnaround like we need. It is like, can we take a tragedy or a product line and can we turn it around into being something completely marketable with a very high margin of profit?

There is an intersection between human tragedy and products and in particular in the cereal market which we are all in. Yes, by the way, welcome to Kellogg's Australia. Now, this is so crazy. Kellogg's is based in Michigan. And so Kellogg's Australia, did you guys... I read a little bit about this, so I'm not completely behind, but that you you pirated you

kind of went off off-roading and you said hey we don't want to deal with the monolith anymore and you said Kellogg's Australia this is what we're gonna do and you went up and made your own product I love it I love it and that's that's what's exciting for me. You know you want to give a bit of the company history? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I think that is important, obviously, as you mentioned. Look, we were a part of the Kellogg's Global Conglomerate until about 1987. I wouldn't describe it as a coup, per se, but we did take over the Sydney office with armed guards in 1987. Hello?

Hello? You go. Sorry, you go. Sorry, I'm so sorry. This is all very new to me. I wish we could be there. I wish we could have flown over there and spoken to you. But you know, this is the new world. This is the way we have to do things, isn't it? Anything that I can't hear, I'll just assume what you said. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Absolutely. But yeah, many died in the coup. Well, not the coup. Well, yeah, we don't like to call it a coup. We like to call it an internal restructure, but many did die in that internal restructure. The bloodshed was in the hundreds. Have you thought about cuckoo puffs? Cuckoo Puffs? Well, it's very interesting that you mentioned

that. We have this new product lineup, this new range. Yeah, sell them the range. So do you have the variety packs? Maybe talk about the variety pack in general. Can she hear you when you say that? Can you hear me when I say do you have the variety packs or do I need Mark to pass that on? I'm sorry, this is my first time on Zoom. I had to download it myself. Usually I get my assistant to do it. But can you hear me when I say that about the variety packs?

Right now, my screen has been taken over by some very graphic pornography. Okay. Okay. What is it? What is it? taken over by some very graphic pornography. Oh, okay. What is it? What is it? Well, it's a close up of what I... I mean, I'm not going to say what... I think it's a cock entering an anal canal. I'm not sure which sex...

That's not... We're holding a box of Kellogg's. I'm not sure. Maybe that's a virus. Is that a virus or did you make the choice, did you Google cock and anal? No, no, no, I just muted them. I muted them. Oh, you muted them.

All right, great, great, great. That could have been me. I was watching that sort of pornography before I joined. Are you screen sharing? I think I might have been screen sharing there, so I just want to apologise in advance if that was my anal pornography that came up on your screen. I think I'll just take a quick look. I'm going to mute myself.

I'm going to see if I can figure out this screen share anal pornography problem. Go incognito. I believe. Go incognito. Well, absolutely. Well, I was watching it on incognito. Oh, but I think I've done a screen share. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to turn off my camera.

Yes. I'm going to mute myself. Yeah. And I'm going to deal with this pornography situation while you pitch the various knack packs. A sincere apology to you in the US there. That is not what we stand for at Kellogg's Australia. Absolutely not.

No, well, and it's interesting that you bring that up because, you know, so many times different companies are spreading themselves too thin product-wise. And I would just be surprised if you were also in the adult film market. I was shocked to hear that that's what you were seeing, because what I saw was Mark holding a box of eight packs of sachets of different cereals. A variety pack. And the eye is a spoon. The eye is a spoon in variety.

The eye is a spoon. In variety, the eye, and what you said you saw brought me immense horror. Yeah, there's no, I'll check the back, but I don't think there's any penises entering bottoms on the variety pack, but I will check behind, no, just more pictures of cereal. I am just jumping back on. Can I just ask, has anyone got anal pornography or pornography of any kind on their screens

right now? I think I've dealt with the problem at my end. I do have a treat called Mr Brownie, which is a small individually wrapped brownie. It's not on my screen, it's in my hand. Yeah. But I just wonder if that's connected to the pornography at all. I don't. In the US? In the US. In the US. Have we got any pornography happening over there? Do you have Instacart? Did you by accident order it with your phone?

No, I did buy, I did bring this from home, which I'm in. Okay. Locked in. Okay, so you're the cart. Okay, you brought it. Yes, yes, yeah. I bought it. No cocks.

No cocks. And that, yeah, no cocks. No cocks. No cocks. And that, yeah, no, no cocks. No cocks. You know, I have to say I've got three children and two dogs in the other room that I'm neglecting. I really need to focus on what are you trying to sell me? Of course, of course, of course.

We love, you know, this is a grocery chain, it's called Albertson's, it's not nationwide, but it could be. And what we do is we buy large bulk items that are being discontinued, sort of an outlet for groceries so you will have like a pyramid of oat milk that's about to go bad, that kind of thing. So we'd love to give in the older Australian cereal market. Yep, I sure will. That's wonderful to hear. Well, Mark's going to take you through one by one what we have down here.

Yes. And you let us know if that would work at Albertans. So for clarity here. It's Albertans. Albertans. I am so sorry for... and firstly, for the pornography shared onto your screen. We can't apologize enough for the pornography.

We can't apologize enough, but then also for mispronouncing the grocery store. It's no problem, life is so precious. It really is. Do you have- Just before we launch into this, I just want to say... I was just about to get into the Saltana branch. No, I know, but I want to avoid any confusion.

Mark will be holding up small snack-sized variety sachets. They can be available to you. We can ship them to you. But we also do the larger sort of... When you imagine a cereal box, I think you imagine something of a yay high kind of, we do do that as well. We currently have national- As long as the- Oh, you go.

No, you go. No, no, you go. I'm fine. No, you go. You go. You go. No, you go. You go. You go. As long as they're like a week off of the due date for being past consumable, then we

are, we're, we're with you. We really are interested in the product. That's how you do it at Albertsons. Albertsons. Albertsons. Albertsons. Albertsons. Albertsons.

Do you have distribution in Yarnsworth? Albert's. Albert's. Albert'sons. Albert'sons. Albert'sons. Albert'sons. Do you have distribution in Yarnsworth? In Yarnsworth and Sons? I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with Yarnsworth. Mark, I've just sent you a private chat on Zoom, just essentially saying what the fuck are you doing? Yarnsworth and Sons.

I don't know what that is. Is that why we're having the Zoom to try and get our Kellogg's variety packs into Yarnsworth and Sons. I don't know what that is. Is that why we're having the Zoom to try and get our Kellogg's variety packs into Yarnsworth and Sons? No into Albertsons. Albertsons. Albertsons. Yarnsworth and Sons is later. Oh I'm sorry I thought we were on the Yarnsworth and Sons call. She's just said Albertsons. Oh I wasn't listening I was watching pornography. No. Oh my. No. It's not sharing, is it? No. I have several family members who I don't know whether they are going to have the ability to make it respiratory issues. So when we're talking about this and it sounds like you're not prepared

for me to be doing this business call, I feel it's just a lot. It's a lot coming at me. Now, absolutely. I think that's a fair point you're making there. Obviously, we love Albertsons. It's hard on all of us. Fair point you're making there. Obviously, we love Albertsons. It's hard on all of us. We were at the airport. We were ready. We were in the lounge. We were ready to get on that plane, as you know.

We were going to meet you at Albertsons HQ. We're working this out as well. And I know it's really tough over there in New York City. I've seen the news pieces. But I think the one thing, it's hard tough over there in New York City. I've seen the news pieces. But I think the one thing, it's hard to make a comparison. The one thing, if the fear of family members and that sort of worry is there for you,

I think equally you need to embrace the excitement for the varieties of cereal that we could be bringing to your store. Well, that all sounds to me, just right. Okay, let's hear it. I need a tummy up the cereals. Well what I did try to do there was introduce the first cereal by saying that all sounded just right, which is the first cereal in the packet.

Do you have just right at Albinsons? Albert's? We don't. We don't. We don't. I'm so sorry that I... I think... Yeah. No, you go. You go. So just right is not too heavy and not too light.

That's what it says. He's not, that's not Mark saying that. That's what the slogan is. That's just what the slogan is. How do you feel about it so far? I'm excited. I just need to know how old it is. Broden, would you like to cover?

Broden's the, he's executive in age. Let's just have a quick look, he's executive in age. Let us just have a quick look. Let's have a quick. We need to use this before October 16. Okay, that's a little rich for our blood. Okay, okay, okay. We can knock it down. Well, by the time I think you won't want to... What I'm thinking about is product that's, you know, maybe around early May.

Or maybe that when someone in the US opens it, they say, I got to eat this in the store. Well, I think we can sustain. Okay, can sustain that level of off-puttedness. Now, just to the rep over at Albertsons in New York City, I just wanted to say, when Mark said we can sustain, he said a sentence about sustaining. Now, I know that you probably think maybe if the visual's not great, he's engaging with what you're saying and using a strange piece of word. Particularly if you're saying porn. But I just wanted to be really clear, he's actually holding up a variety of cereal called Sustain. Energy from whole grains.

Energy from whole grains. How do you feel about that? Just so far. Now this is just curiosity for me. What is the taste, the tongue texture? Like when I, when I put, when you put your tongue on that, please taste some right now. Put it, put it on your tongue right now. You want me to eat the cereal? I've never tried the product before. Well, what you'll see, what you'll see for, yeah, what you'll see is it's an easy open packet as well. So if you're out camping or eating on the run and you can pop the milk, you can pop the white right in there.

Put as much as you can into your mouth right now. Put as much as you can. Do it, Ma. As if you can as fits in your... Yeah, do it. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. He's doing it. There we go.

Okay. He's doing it. He's chugging the cereal. Now with your mouth full, say what it's like. Now with your mouth full. Crunky. Okay, he's done that. Crunky.

He's saying crunchy, I think. We'll take it. We'll take it. You'll take it? Crocky? Yeah. Now I should say, when we lost the international mark, you've made the point you're embarrassing us now That that is exactly what I needed to hear it's crunchy and I don't think he's saying crunchy Help me

Crust kill me crispy Crispy crispy. Are you okay with crispy crispy? Crispy. Crispy. Crispy. Are you okay with crispy? Crispy. Crispy.

I mean, I like that it's bleeding into stale. Dry. Dry. Now most people would have them with milk. I apologize that I sort of told him to stop there. You know, there are some cultural differences. Most of our business has been with Australians. We don't usually gorge on our dry cereal products in pitch meetings.

We usually talk about the flavor profile and maybe the marketing potential. So I apologize. I didn't realize that was a custom for you. Well, I'm born in the USA. We hurt ourselves with food. That's a regular thing. Oh, yes, yes, yes. United States of America.

I remember last time I was there, I noticed a lot of large portion sizes in the United States. Super size me. No, it's an angry meal, not a happy meal. It is. We're going to force force feed you like a goose. Speaking of which, the next one, the next one, the next one. Well, let's not nutrigrain ourselves.

Now, Mark, do the do the the the the putting it all in your mouth for the American. I don't think I need to. He doesn't have to do it for this one. I know what NutriGrain is. I'm not interested. Really? Not interested at all? Do you know about the proteins?

I don't want it. And there's a personal reason that I'm not going to... Well, no, we would need... There's a guy I... Yeah, please. If we're going to exclude NutriGrain, which has corn oats and wheat, I'm gonna need to know the reason why. Back in the early aughts, I did a lot of sleeping around.

And, you know, just because you're out on the road and, you know, you're visiting different stores and I'm one night here, one night there. And one of the store managers out of Chicago, you know, perfectly, I mean, I suppose a nice guy. What did he? Well, it's what he didn't do I he didn't he wasn't He didn't want to seal the deal and

It was I had I brought some neutral grain and I said, hey, after this, do you wanna come back to my hotel around, which is on a freeway entrance ramp next to a Hooters? And he said, oh, no thanks, ma'am. Okay. Oh. And I took a box of neutral grain and I just ate the whole thing. And I didn't want to. That's a lot of protein. I don't like Nutri.

I don't like it. Were you aware of how many B vitamins you were consuming at that time? And iron? To me, eating healthy cereal is equivalent to cutting. Yeah, okay, sure. It's like, I want to feel, I just want to feel something. Just put the Nutri- Put the Nutri-

Put the Nutri- Put the Nutri- Put the Nutri- Put the Nutri- Put the Nutri- I think it's time for Coco Pops. I don't think we need to engage with the Nutri- Am I?

I think it's time for Coco Pops. I think it's time for, yes. Once you, Coco Pops, we say you can't stops. No we don't. Do you know milkshakes? I think I've got this one. Do you know milkshakes? Do you have milkshakes over in the United States? Of course.

Ask about the text. Of course we know about milkshakes. OK. Zach, Zach, Zach. Of course, the American diner. Calm down. The American diner. I'm familiar.

We got our happy days when we were boys, you know, we know about the American, the Fonzie. Ask her about the texture of milkshakes. Mel, when you think of a milkshake, maybe a chocolate milkshake, what would you describe the texture of a milkshake as? It reminds me of my father who died. Oh no, no, no. Oh no, no, no. Because I, this last thing he wanted was,

he just wanted me to door dash something really easy from Dairy Queen, which is a chain we have over here. And I said, I said, Dad, Dad, you know, I just, I don't have time to go on my phone and use an app for 30 seconds. And it was at that moment that he lost consciousness. Slipped away, slipped away. So that's a very tragic story there.

Do you think, do you think it would have been any different if perhaps that milkshake he was ordering was crunchy? Hmm. I mean, God, had it, you know, it's hard because I can't go back. Yeah, it's a very hard memory, but just try to imagine, rather than the smooth viscosity of a regular milkshake, a crunchy milkshake. It would have been more possible had I been able to put it in my purse. We weren't there with you with your father at that moment, that sacred moment between

you and your father, but we do know our cereal. Yes and perchance if Coco the monkey was there perchance things would have worked out differently. In spirit. In spirit but also in a small variety pack. And also you can put it in the purse. And you have to listen to the client. I don't. Put it in the purse.

I'm not. I've just ate the most fucking sustain I've ever eaten in my fucking life. I know we rehearsed this to the I've ever eaten in my fucking life. I feel sick to my stomach. I know we rehearsed this, the client just said they want a milkshake they can put in their purse, you adapt. But this is a crunchy milkshake. Yeah, absolutely, but you can also put it in your purse.

I'm so sorry about this. You can't put it in wet. We're just having a little breakout conversation, I hope you don't mind. Can I ask if, how often do you put things that are wet in your purse? You know what, sometimes I bag up some cantaloupe and I leave it open. I leave it open so it kind of can perfume the whole purse itself. So your bag smells of lobe. You got a lobe bag.

You got a lobe smelling bag. That's very common in Australia. I got a little... We lope our bags all the time. We lope our laundry. We get everything lopey. Yeah. Help.

You have to come down here. Melon... You know, there's nothing like having a warm, wet melon ball, right, fresh from your purse. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. No, you have to come down here. We got the lope festival once a year down in, down in, up in Sydney.

You have to come down, you know, if we make this deal happen, I'm sure we could arrange it. That's good, Zach. Get a couple of cantaloupes, we could cut them up, pop them in our bags, I think you'd have a great time. Sydney. And that's the sort of stuff we could be doing if we make this business deal happen.

Yes, Sydney, where the weather's warm and lopes firm. That's what we say. How do you fix that? Hold on a second, I'm teaching my kids seventh grade. Oh yeah. Wait a second. I'm teaching my kids seventh grade. Oh yeah. Now you seem to have cut out there. Seventh grade.

Boys, I just got a question for you. Has the client cut out for you as well or is that at my end? The client has cut out for me as well. I was just about to ask how they felt about grain based protein. Yeah, listen. While she's off, you're fucking this up. Me? You are fucking this up, man. I fucking took a bullet for the whole company eating a whole pack of cereal. Oh, you're back? Oh, you're back? I'm back. Hi. Hi't seem to understand how to figure it out for yourself. Yes, last we heard you were teaching her seventh grade and we didn't and we are all dying to find out. Math. Math. Math.

Here's some math for you. Oh yes. It's intuitive. Yeah, it's intuitive. I've got some maths for you. What happens when you take Australian cereal, you ship it from Australia and you sell it at Albertsons at a higher rate than we sold it to you for. This is good, this is good.

Okay that doesn't make any sense financially. Yeah, sure. So what I'm trying to do is I'm a bottom feeder. So when you sell it to me, it's your older cereals for a cheaper rate and I buy it in bulk. So you give me a very low rate and then I jack up the prices a little bit. Yeah, right. A little bit, but not so much that people won't be excited when they see like a tractor

trailer full of it in the middle of the warehouse. Sure. Sure. That sounds like a special deal. Some would say a special K deal. Special K. Okay. I got her back. I got her back.

Is the K what I hope it is? Ketamine. Well, you... what? No, it's not. It's not. It's not. Okay, it's not ketamine. Sorry. What are you... Why don't you tell us your hopes and dreams for the K and we'll see if it aligns with our values as a company My husband's been getting ketamine treatments Jesus Christ

You know fucking hell fuck feels like when he's inside of the brick, that's what he says. It says inside of the brick. That's what it feels like. He's inside of a brick and, you know, um, he took public transportation, uh, back home after the treatment and he, you know, if you're ever in Los Angeles or New York City, I'd love to go. Well, actually, actually any city in United States at all, you will find that it is terrifying to take any kind of train, bus, because we have no healthcare or housing.

Right. Listen, listen, how the fuck was I supposed to know your husband was on ketamine treatment? With all due respect, I'm just trying to sell you cereal here. This is nothing on you as a person, but it does seem that each and every cereal from the variety pack does trigger a kind of harrowing memory for you. And at this point, I'm not sure if I should bring up cornflakes, which do have essential nutrients, in fear of it relating to your life in a tragic way. Oh, cornflakes, I love cornflakes. Oh, okay. And of course with iron, zinc, B vitamins and folate.

Oh, oh, I don't know what's going on here. No, I love cornflakes. Yeah. No notes. Oh, wonderful. And you're aware that it contains folate? Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. You got it. contains folate you got it you don't need you don't oh my god why it has iron zinc B vitamins and folate you had it no way no one on this earth on this good green earth could possibly have a tragic event I'll handle this mark that is situated around folate. I don't even know what folate is.

I don't think many people do. And if I'm wrong, this is the hill I will die on. Mark, I'll handle this from here. You know what, guys? I am gonna put your minds at rest. I wanna buy all of your oldest cereals. When I say that, I mean all of it. Yes.

Oh. And now we'll work out a price. You know what? I'm just going to write a number on a piece of paper, and I'm going to show it to you through the Zoom. OK. She's got the paper. And you tell me where you're at.

Jesus, I'm very excited. Yeah, it's going to be good. Is that a, what is that? Is that an S? Is that a five? I, I, I, I'm just giving us a thumbs up now. Now I'm not sure if you can hear us. Just get off the call, get off the call, get off the call.

I'm not sure. That's, that's, is that a, I can't, I can't. And just the thumbs up. Okay, this person's not well. You're gonna get off the call? Get off the call? End the call? Well, it's been, our people will talk to your people and you talk to my people and I'm gonna

put the variety back away. It's more trouble than it's worth. We'll shoot you an email. Get off the call. Oh my gosh, you know what? The porn came from within. Okay, get off the call. And lovely to speak to you. We'll see you soon, once this all dies down.

You've been listening to the Aunty Donna podcast. Thanks for joining us for another RIP episode brought to you by AuntyDonnaClub.com. See you next week.