Aunty Donna Podcast - Podcast Ep 231 - A Christmas Special feat. Michael Ian Black

Episode Date: December 5, 2020

A very big thank you to Michael Ian Black for joining us for a special Christmas episode! auntydonnaclub.com auntydonna.com haventyoudonewell.com  Join The Aunty Donna Club: https://www.patreon.com/auntydonnaSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Get A legends and welcome to another rip episode of the Aunty Donner Podcast. Today we're joined by very special guest Michael E. in Black for a little Christmas special. I would like to remind all our beloved listeners to please watch our Netflix show about nine times and to tell at least a hundred friends about it. And yes, we hope you enjoyed the motherfucking podcast Christmas is magical time when friendship happens with my boys My, that's just my, but no, no, is the bells and sack is the drums

You don't have to address the bells. I was just... I was just trying to support what you were doing. Christmas. Ah, bar humbug. Hi, I'm Chris Merz. I think it's a holiday in Ben to buy execs to sell tigs. Your Christmas spirit has been so low ever since you were in that car accident. Yeah, I was in a car accident and now I hate Christmas. I hate it with every fiber of my being

and all of you are going to work this Christmas, every single one of you. And there's nothing not you're going to come in and you're my manager. What? You're not a manager. I don't work for you. and you're my manager. What? You're not a manager? I don't work for you. Well, you're going to, you're going to come in. I took the time off. I put in my roster.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You're a kid. You don't believe in Santa, do you? No. No, I don't believe in Santa. I feel sorry for you, man.

Why? Because Santa's the only thing that brings me Christmas spirit and joy. I don't have any Christmas spirit or joy, and you're all coming in, and if you don't come in, I'll just use the app and I'll get some other people to come in. That's how it works now. I don't care. Okay, well, I hope this Christmas, you find some joy. Come on, guys, let's go to bed

Okay, and then they went to bed and later that night God I am just running myself ragged here, but I don't want to Oh my god, oh no Oh my God. Oh no. Oh. Mark, you guys weren't supposed to see me. Oh my God. Oh my God.

It's Santa Claus. Oh no. No, no, guys, you got to get up early and go to work tomorrow. I just wanted to drop off some stuff and get out of here and wish you guys a Merry Christmas. Now I don't have to work anymore. I believe in the spirit of Christmas. I've been changed. No, it's like it's really good.

I still have to work. That's that if you know, I know if you open your stockings, you'll see I left a little note that says you guys still have to work. I'm really I'm I'm as upset about it as you guys, but we really we really need you guys to work tomorrow. Did you go on to Merit? I understand. I understand, but now that I know that you exist, I believe in the spirit of Christmas. And for me personally, I know you make the final decision here. I'm okay with them not working now.

It would be better, Zach, if maybe you came to that realization over the course of the next 25 minutes or so. That's happened. I love Christmas! Alright, well, that's not worry about any arcs. I'm very confused. Where am I working tomorrow? What time do I start? Oh, okay, so I don't know where you guys work now.

Yeah. But tomorrow, I'm going to need you to be at the office at nine. I'm going to let you guys sleep until nine, but I need you there. And then you guys are going to have, but I'm going to need you guys to work a late shift because everybody else is going to be on celebrating Christmas. What the fuck are you talking about? You have no understanding of what the fuck we do, of what skills we have, you've gone into no particular detail about what the job is and your Santa Claus. So I mean, maybe is it present, you want us to do presents? And I just looked in the stocking, there's no notes,

it's just full of dip. Look inside the dip. Oh, fucks sake, I've got a big, big, big dip. Yeah, there's a note inside the dip. I know you guys like dip, right? Well, I do love dip. I do love a good dip. I got you an assortment of dips. Do you? To kind of ease the pain of the fact that you got to work an extra long, extra long shift tomorrow. Broden, of course, I know what you guys do. I'm Santa. I know like what your skill sets are. you guys do. I'm Santa. I know like what your skill sets are and you all are really good at interacting with the public and doing public facing stuff. So you can win some customer

support tomorrow. What the fuck even if I was good at, if we've, I know, okay, I will concede we are good at public facing branding and content in regards to general public stuff as opposed to interior corporate stuff. I'll concede that. But the notion that we should start anything tomorrow or that we have the proper prerequisites or Tom, I think you should put some Christmas music under all of this. Yeah, put some Christmas music under your Tom. Santa, is there any way around this? What can we do for you?

I wish there was. My hands are tied on this. This is above my pay grade. But yeah, I'm going to need you guys to come in tomorrow and probably for the next several days, just because we're so backed up, because of COVID and everybody really wants to celebrate Christmas.

So where's the... Somebody had to cross the short straw and unfortunately it's you guys. So, is that the Santa Claus office? No, no, no. No, I'm in the North Pole. This is a satellite office. Oh my God. So, it's interesting. I have more experience. I know obviously through Antidona I've got a lot of the customer service stuff, but actually the bulk of my work experience is in beta bay. I was just wondering if you had anything more in terms of production line, in terms of supply, if I could help you out. I'm really going to need you to just strap in and do customer support, and there's going

to be a lot of calls coming in from people pretty much all over the world So yeah, if you guys could just If anybody just has a question I Like I'm gonna give you a laminate and it'll answer most of the questions that people are gonna ask because it's a laminate You like seeing ten questions over and over and over I'm happy to say the laminate. I've been digging through this stocking It's there's no note in here and I don't know how you got this much dip in a stocking this small it feels almost is this some sort of elves Yeah, elves

Yeah, elves. Yeah, how many times were I have to say you know my deal elves elves made the dip We get the how they get so much in such a small stocking. A spoon, little elf spoons? Yeah. Mark, I don't understand why you're struggling with this. You haven't seen that, you haven't been with the stocking. I've got my own stocking, it's filled with an avocado dip. I have been meaning to ask Santa, is this a fresh guacamole or an avocado dip?

Of course, of course, of course. Yeah, this is all fresh. There's no dairy, that's my main concern. Of course not. Obviously, I'm not going to give you dairy. Yeah, thank you. Oh, wow, you know about that? Of course.

Wow, the spirit of Christmas for you. You're on board too much. I don't like how much I'm on board you are. I love Christmas. You see how the art, the art is that he wasn't on board. Now he's on board too much. I don't like how much I'm bored you are. I love it. You see how the art, the art is that he wasn't on board. Now he's on board. You guys were on board. The issue is it's five minutes in.

Yeah, it just happened quick. Right. It's less of an arc. I think you guys are envisioning an arc. And I see it more as like a, like, be inciting incident or even like a second act twist. You know, it's like, he's a flip and how we're gonna get back to normal.

What adventures are we gonna go on? I have a question before we get into it. I just want to, I just a question. Now, you guys have got dips and I've just got it. It's just a question of like, you know, what's what? My stockings filled with basil pesto. Now, my question to you guys, is that a dip? Yes.

I don't know. It can be used as a spread or a dip. Yes. But it was a pasta base, like for a base for a delicious pasta, right? Yeah. If you look under the tree, you'll see there's several boxes of pasta wrapped up. Oh, you know my Christmas wish, Santa. Yep, a couple boxes of pasta.

That was your Christmas wish. Egg-based? Nope. No, we couldn't get that. I am. I guess so. I think that you guys have been really rude. You didn't know about the dip thing at all

until you got your stocking of dip and now suddenly you're talking about whether it's a dip or not. You know, it's like this man's generously come into our home, he's offered his dip, pasta, work. You know, work is a privilege and I think sometimes we forget that. It's unpaid, I probably should have said that.

It's unpaid. I sho have said that. It's unpaid. I shamed as much. I did. I shamed as much. I mean, I'll do anything for you, Santa. You know how much I love Christmas. He will do anything. He didn't. He didn't love Christmas. And so I guess I'm a little torn about how much you love Christmas now. But you're, I think you're, you're really experiencing the Christmas spirit in a way that these other guys aren't because you're willing to come into the office for several days in a row, working extra shifts for no pay, and that's really what Christmas is all

about. Well, I just know, I just know that we're generating a lot of profits off of your guys' work, and that's going to all go towards next Christmas. And the Christmas after that. And some of you is my, and not Santa. I almost called you Michael Santa. What's interesting to me is you're talking about profit

and you're very open to talk about profit and all of the things you're making off us, but at no point are you ever talking about recompense for us or any kind of kind of cut. I don't know, I said you won't get paid. Yeah, I know heard that and I heard that and what I'm saying to you. But that would address the recompense question, I think. And my question to you, Santa, is why would I work hard for you if there's no reward, Santa?

Why would I go out of my way? Santa, Saint Nick, to do a good job for you. If you're not putting something back in our stocking that isn't a half-dip, half-spread, you fuck. Think about that. You fuck. I'm not working. I'm going on strike. So I get this question a lot, and if you guys look at your laminate, you'll see that the reason that we come in, and we do this extra work, is not for me, and not for the bonus that I'm gonna get, and for the other members of the board are gonna get,

it's for everybody who celebrates Christmas, and doesn't have to work. You're not doing it for me, you're doing it for all the other boys and girls out there who really, really, really love Christmas and don't have to come in. And for, and for the military. You're doing it for the military.

I didn't realize we were doing it for the boys. I was for the troops, okay. I was going for the troops. I had to argue when it's for the troops, but it feels like what you're doing, if I may, is you're putting your benefiting quite a lot from this, but you're also including in the argument, people who you can't argue against, you know, people who are happy to give money to charity, like children, soldiers. So do you have a benefit from this? Troops are going to benefit, so thank you. But you're a are gonna benefit, so thank you.

But you're more, and then I'm also gonna benefit. So thank you. I'm gonna drill you on this. I'm not gonna let you get away with it, Santa. What you're saying is that you've just put in a defense mechanism that we give some money to charity, which I quite frankly think is fucking shit. And you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.

And I'm out of, I hate Christmas now fuck it. Wow that's that's that's huge. That's a big big one. Let Broden walk because I have heard word that there is a management position coming up in the new year. Now I don't know if they're going internal or external for that but if we do these extra hours, I think we're in with a better chance than Broden. Zach, you bring up such a good point because we like to promote from within. We like to have an entire Christmas family. Yeah.

And that's how we think of ourselves as a family. It's not just about temp work, although that's an important part of it. And this is really your opportunity to shine, so that if, and I'm not saying there is, but if management position does open up in the very near future, with pay, with benefits. Oh. Then, yeah, I mean, definitely we're going to look, we're going to look to see who helped us out in a jam first. Before we start. Are they helping benefits?

You say benefits, can you walk me through what some of the benefits of and the management finish? Absolutely. Vacation days. Why? Starting, starting, it starts at 10 vacation days a year. And you can use those however you want. You can use them one at a time. You can take the whole 10 days off,

except obviously during the two weeks before Christmas. That's a no-go, right? It comes, there's an expense account. Really? For certain management positions, there's an expense account. And you know, all we're asking is just don't go crazy with it. Right, right, right. Okay. There's a cruise. Not everybody gets to be on the cruise, but you get to be entered into the raffle for the cruise. And the more we use, you work at Christmas company, the more chances you

get to win the cruise. Some of our employees, even very junior level employees, have been on the cruise three, four, five times. It's the highlight of their year. Wow, really? Wow. But Brodin, it's okay. I mean, you don't want to be a part of that. You don't want to help the troops.

You don't want to help the animals. You're aborted. You totally get it. Like, what are we going to do? We're not going to drag you into the office. I'm Chris. I feel it. Okay, but maybe what I was doing, maybe he, What are we gonna do? We're not gonna drag you into the office. I'm pretty good. Okay, but maybe what I was doing, maybe he, maybe the spirit of Christmas is standing up for yourself.

No, it's not, you've got to stop. No, really, it's not. It's not broken and you're out. It's really not. You're not even gonna entertain that idea, the idea that maybe me standing up for myself was the best gift to you at all? That really isn't.

I mean, the best gift that you could be, I think, giving would be showing up and doing some customer support for a few days while the troops can rest and animals can recover from wildfires. Yeah, fuck off, Broden. I'm here for the troops. I'm here for the dead koalas.

I'm gonna get that management position and ain't nothing gonna stop me. And I'm gonna be on that cruise, and I'm gonna be, yeah, the Christmas spirit is coming in. I'm gonna be in an 830 center. I know you said nine. I'm coming in an 830, I'm gonna clean everyone's desk or whatever it is that I'm not sure exactly

still what the job is. You're doing the Robert De Niro and Hathaway film The Intern now. That's what it sounds like you're doing. Well, in what way? Cleaning the desk, showing up early. Yeah, I haven't seen it. I think, yeah, I haven't seen it either.

Did she do that? She rides a bike, doesn't she? No, no, no. So in Hathaway is ahead of a CEO, she rides a seen it either. Does she do that? She rides a bike, doesn't she? No, no, no. So in Halfway is ahead of a CEO, she rides a bike through the office very, you know, to company. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Robert De Niro is old man.

You've seen it. Well, I'm not sure now, because I don't remember someone coming in early to clean the desks. Robert De Niro is an old man, he's 108 and he, he wants to get back in the workforce because his wife died. He becomes an intern with young, other young people. And he brings that old style of workforce mentality where it's, you know, work hard and he shows

up in a suit. He has a hanky, but not for himself for when a lady cries very gentlemanly and how do you do? Oh, chivalry is alive. Yeah. But can I get back in the company? I feel bad and is there any? Well, look as a manager, I can talk to Santa about this. I can talk to my two IC, which is Zach, and we can try and figure something out.

But you're going to have to leave the room, Broden. Sorry, man. We're so sorry. We don't want to do this, but our positions in this company are delicate. I know they're doing layoffs in the new year. We're standing around in pajamas, around a Christmas tree in the middle of the night. I mean, that's, you know, I think that's part of the joy Santa brought. You know, there's a lot of companies. That's the thing, man. We don't get paid quite as well or at all.

It's a pair to some of the other companies, but I can come in my pajamas. I can come to work in my pajamas. I just want to clarify, you think real quick. When you come in tomorrow, it is, you don't have to wear a suit, but it is business casual. Okay. And also, you don't ride a bike in the office because there's insurance reasons. I'll say that was an anthaway from the intern.

I know and I appreciate that and I love it. I love the reference. And next year, if you guys keep this up, I'm going to get you a DVD copy of the intern. Really? Is that a promise? Of course. I'm not saying I'm not full of shit here. And I just, I just, I just wanted to clarify just to be extra clear, no bike riding in the office, it's a very cramped office.

The ceilings are very low, the whole ways are very narrow, so we just, we can't afford to have any accidents. Plus, it's just gonna be mom, it's gonna be a mob scene there. It's gonna be crowded. It's gonna be... Is it okay to ride bikes in the quadrangle in the area at the front? Oh no, there's no quadrangle. It's a... I mean, it's above a muffler shop. Yeah. The North Pole is above a muffler shop?

No, the satellite office. It's a fucking satellite office, bro. And this is why you didn't get the manager position. This is why you're out in your ass. Christmas Eve, freeze and go, sorry, Santa. I have these milk and cookies, by the way. We got these milk and cookies. Yeah, sorry, man.

Did you want the milk and cookies? Is? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna leave and come back. Oh, hey, oh, you're back. Hello. You're back. Yeah, I'm sorry I had to dash off and drop off some presents. You wait there was so quick. Where did you go? That we That's a yeah, Senegal Thailand Wow, wow. Oh my god. that was so quick. You can travel that fast. I get the Christmas spirit. I want back in.

Fuck off. Sorry, man. Fuck off. Yeah, you really fucked it, man. You really fucked it. What I would recommend is you go home, you have a thing about what you say. This is my house.

Where you put this thing. I understand that, bro. We're in our pajamas. Santa's standing there. He's a slender white American man. Yeah, Broden, I understand everything that you're saying, but I think you need to go home. I think you need to read the 14 steps to success by Santa. I think you need to have a real think about the opportunities you've been given here tonight. Not many employees get to talk to Santa. He's come in, he's given us, what, 20 minutes of

our time of his time. Yeah, which is you. This is what I'm not saying that I'm not thankful for that. I'm saying I'm confused and I want clarity. Is it a problem to come into a business and say I want clarity and what's going on? Like, do my best job. Really? It's just a, it's just, it's just, it's just such a bad attitude. It's not the Christmas attitude. I mean, there's a HR department as well. Like, this is an opportunity. We could be picking his brain. This is the guy that took, I mean, I don't want to show that I know too much about your work here, Sandra. I want to kind of play it cool, but he took a small fledgling business in Europe. I know over the last two, three, four hundred to kind of play it cool, but he took a small fledgling business in Europe

and over the last two, three, four hundred years, he's turned it into a worldwide thing. He's got deals with Coca-Cola, he's got deals with McDonald's, he's got deals with Macy's. This man has made billions of dollars off of a $200,000 loan from his parents. This guy can be teaching us how we can one day be as successful as him. And here you are, you're talking to him like he's the HR department. There are people down the hall that you can talk to any minute of the day. The man comes to a house at midnight, Christmas night. He offers us an opportunity for career acceleration. He fills our house with dips. With dips? Let's not forget all these layers. I just

think you're wasting an opportunity here, man. This is why you're wasting our time. This is the race that's successful. It is Christmas Eve. Or I guess early Christmas morning now. Yeah. And Broden, you did fuck up. And I'm nothing if not forgiving. So. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that.

I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about that. I think if you write me a check right now, for $300 US, I think $9,000 Australian. Yep. I think we can probably put you in a seat tomorrow at Christmas satellite office above that muffler shop and have you doing customer service? I think for

$300 we could probably make that happen. Let me just let me just talk to my manager real quick. But if I sign that if I write the check now and get that to you now, does that help in any way? I mean I really should talk to my manager. I'll tell you why. Why don't we make it 500 and I'll grease all the wheels I can make sure that you've got a seat tomorrow. Okay, I can do that I really appreciate that Santa. Thank you so much for that. I'll draw that now. It's the least I could do I'm I'm I'm thrilled To help you realize this opportunity for you Yeah, and I appreciate that. I feel the Christmas spirit.

Thank you. The troops think. The troops think. The troops think I'm this kind of stuff, man. The notion that you see in movies like Tim Ellens, The Santa Claus or Elf or you know, Die Hard. Die Hard, The Christmas spirit coming.

You know, it's a wonderful life, even. I'm starting to see it. I'm starting to figure it out now and I thank you so much Santa for letting me see it. I really do. I also find it amazing. I don't know if this is the right time to note. I always imagined you to look more like the jolly Christmas Santa man. I find it amazing how accurate the Christmas Chronicles 2 is. You look exactly like Kurt Russell in a leather red leather outfit. I thought they were taking some artistic license with the book. Can I tell you what it was? The pellet? I got a pellet on.

Over New York. New York on the quarantine. I got a pellet on and I've taken off 15 pounds. You'd show up looking great. 15 pounds. Has Mrs. Klos looking? Has she doing with all of this? Well, I don't know if you know or you don't know, but what have you done, Zach? We're no longer together. Good job, Zach. He's doing well.

And we're like working through everything and I think ultimately it's for the best. So yeah, I mean, I guess what's that? How do we do? How do we do? Yeah, sets are basically infinite because elves make shit. So I think she's going to go, I think she's going to go back to Sacramento. That makes sense. Yeah, it makes sense. Is she gonna still work with the charity, and that sort of thing, or? All TBD. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm so sorry. I'm gonna have to talk about that. I don't know. This is a thing for Americans, but I know for my parents, we ever think of super adnuation, which counts as an asset. So just be careful there, because sometimes they can come after,

like, you think it's your savings, and you think you're worth it. The guys worth, like, $200 billion billion mark and you turn to $500. And $500. And $500 now. It's kind of embarrassing us a little bit here, Mark. You're not thinking to be. Honestly, I've got to have this misbeared right there

is the advice and the love. And I really appreciate that. Seal it and thanks. And if there is an inside track to that management position, you might have it. Well, that doesn't surprise me. That's really, that makes me so happy Santa. And I mean, I know you've given us so much tonight, so much. So I feel really awful asking for just one more thing. Yeah, I'm very happy. I'm very happy. Sandy, if we ask for just one more, just little thing.

Yeah, I would love to, obviously when the Christmas season passes and you're a little less busy, I would love to just pick your brain, love to go get a coffee and just pick your brain for half an hour just to learn a little bit about how you got to where you are and if you have any advice for a young entrepreneur. I would love to do what you do. I think I'll tell you what I'm gonna have Terry give you a call And we'll try to pencil something in Obviously like this month is gonna be hard next month. I generally take off so let's think about something in February Yeah, absolutely and yeah, I'll have Terry reach out. Are you going anyway special in January?

Honestly, I'm gonna get into my bed. I'm going to sleep for like a week straight. No joke. I'm probably just. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. Oh, yeah. Somebody is ridiculous. I'll get off to this. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I might go to Vancouver or something. And just stuff. I'm not. Not. Yeah. They got Whistler over there. So I might do some scissor.

Oh. Oh. Yeah. Thank you. Because if you say, so I might do some scissor. Oh. Oh. Thank. Because it would be saying, tenet. It's on my list. Like, I'm dying to see it, but I've just been so busy. I know.

No spoiler, please. Sorry, it wasn't for me, but some people are enjoying it. I hope you enjoy it. Yeah, I've been million things to catch up on. Yeah, it is the golden age of television. And I've been million things to catch up on just Yeah, I and you know, it is the golden age of television and I've just been Yeah, this like this time in a series I still have a bunch of breaking bad like that's where I'm at. Well, I still God, there's so much. Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to get I want to watch Queens Gambit

I want to watch tenet obviously that new Matrix film, I have a screener of Really? I get screeners and Why do you get screeners? Because there's merchandising. They want toys and stuff for the next year. Yeah, and it's a great little Do you make old? Did I have all the special effects? Did you have to sort of say it with like temp effects? No, it's all done. It's oh well But just I mean usually I don't know I haven't see it

So there's a ton of shit. I want to catch up on and then you know, I want to re-brok Obama's autobiography or listen to it It's great. It's really great Yeah, and you know and then just kind of just chill, you know I'm a podcast Santa. Of course of course That's right man Well, that's right, man. I look once that you should listen. All right, I really, guys, I really, I got a, I got a, I got a, I got like a couple more billion houses to get to and no, we've, we've kept you for too long.

Do you have a card or anything we could get? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much. Oh, thank you. Yeah. But again, like that's Terry's number on there. That's not my number.

Either email him or I'll have him email you. We'll book something for February. And yeah, I'm just thrilled that you guys can do this. And Rodin, thank you for the check. And for the other guys, if you want to chip in, that would be great too. Come on guys. Happy to. It would be so happy to have you. Thank you again. You want to chip in that would be great too. Come on guys. Happy to. It would be so happy to have you again.

You want to match with Broding game? Or do you want to? I'm happy to give more. I'm happy to give much more. I feel, you know, for me, the animals and the troops are worth it. I've always said that. I've always been that way. So the truth animals.

I'm happy to give double or, yeah, the true animals. The animals. I don't want you to give anything. I don't want you to give more than you can afford, even though every dollar that you give, a portion of it does go to help the true animals. And so, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

I'm not super liquid at the moment, but if I can call my parents about some sort of loan, I can call Terry and organize something, but I'd be happy to donate more than I need. They have more than eight bonds and stuff. I'm good. I'm good. I can give you much more than the other two. Great. I don't know. Great. Thank you, Chris Mastanta. Merry Christmas, Santa.

You've got to enjoy the dip. You're overdoing it a little bit. you're overdoing it just a little bit. I already said you had the insight track. I was just, it was a funny, sorry, I was having a drive. I was, okay. You've been listening to the Aunty Donna Podcast. Thanks for joining us for another rip episode brought to you by Aunty Donna Club.com. See you next week! This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network.

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