Aunty Donna Podcast - Spaghettification, Linguinification, Fettucinification, Parpadellification

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

This week we find out if Zach is a hardwood floor or if he is Zach. LINKS  Follow @theauntydonnagallery on Instagram https://bit.ly/auntydonna-ig  Become a Patreon supporter at http://auntydonnaclub.com/   CREDITS  Hosts: Broden Kelly, Zachary Ruane, & Mark Bonanno  Producer: Lindsey Green Digital Producers: Nick Barrett, Jim Cruse & Tanya Zerek Audio Imager: Mitch Calladine  Supervising Producer: Elise Cooper   Managing Producer: Sam Cavanagh    Join The Aunty Donna Club: https://www.patreon.com/auntydonnaSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A listener production. It is week two of the Paris Olympics and we are rejoining the boys back in Paris. We're not in Paris. If you enjoy this episode and you want to see the visual side of it, you can go to theauntiedonaclub.com. That's the Aunty Donna Club powered by Patreon to see the visuals and get lots of other bonus content. Otherwise, enjoy the podcast. Welcome to the future.

Hello and welcome to day eight of the Paris Olympics. My name is Big Lanolium. I am a big, I am a big, big, big man. I should actually say my skin is Lanolium. So I'm a very handsome private, private school educated former Olympian, still very beautiful even with a few more kilos on him. My skin is made of linoleum. I have- Is that lino?

Yes. Yeah, linoleum. I have helicopter rudders or helicopter, what are they called? Blades. Blades. Or maybe it could be a head. Atop my mineral that don't work.

I have pencils for fingers. Hands. And I fucked my teammate's wife, but I'm good now. I'm joined as always by our esteemed guest, the French guy. And by a new guest taking the place of Broden. Broden, who's exactly the same as Broden. But a little bit French. But a little bit French. But a little bit French.

Thank you for having me. Thank you so much. Now, over the last eight days, we haven't talked about the Olympics at all. We've just been doing trivia with the French guy. Well, should we do a check-in on the Olympics? Yes, let's talk about it. The futsal. Yeah, futsal was good. Happened the other day. Swimming was good. Who won?

Spaghettification occurs. Heaps. Yeah, heaps. Spaghettification occurs. Heaps? Yeah. Heaps of people won? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spaghettification is the theorised effect on anybody that enters what astronomical object? Italian. No. Black hole. Spaghettification. A black hole. Spaghettification. Black hole. Spaghettification is what I would go over my nunners. We've been doing trivia non-stop every day for the past eight days.

In gay-paree. Sorry. Sorry. In gay-paree. She would go, have you eaten? And I'd say no, she'd go, and then she would spaghettify me. Do you know what spaghetti? Yes, I do It's when the gravity at your feet is stronger than the gravity of your head No, so you get stretched and squished until you become one long spaghetti No, no, that is what happens in spaghettification and what happens when gravity does that shit? But it makes you flat with a bit of meat in the middle That yeah, that's delicious Fafa Dahlia Fafa Dahlia elation

When the gravity correct fuck it I say raviola vacation. Oh, yeah Gravity squishes you Squishes you small and minces you up and then wraps you in pasta. Then what happens? Like a dumpling. Yeah, and then what happens, what do you call it when gravity does that shit you just said, but then it wraps you like ravioli but there's a bit of a little wrap around, like it's not

flat with the... Like it squishes you in the middle? Yeah, that's Angolotti, that's Angolotti. What's Angolotti? What's tortellinification? Yeah, yeah, I guess tortellini. Oh, tortellini, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what happens, because I thought you were talking about when gravity squishes you flat but not long and then in your middle bit around your tummy it squishes you in, it squishes in. Yeah, with no meat, no meat. No meat though and that's a bow tie-ification. What do you call it when that gravity thing does that thing? Yeah. But it makes you into a tube. Yeah that's a straight cut off tube not not um what would you call it? It's a rigatoni-fication. Rigatoni-fication? Yeah. Whereas if there's a diagonal cut that's's a penification. And it has a little thinner. Yeah, a little thinner.

Penification. My least favourite of that fucking thing you said is... What happens when it's the gravity thing squishes you? It twists you around, makes you all twisty like a spiral. It's called a facilification. Facilification. Facilification. What do you call it when it's that?

It's a version of spaghettification, very, very thin though. Angularification. Come on. What do you call it? What do you call it when it's spaghettification, but a little bit flatter? Spaghettification just a little bit. Nolinguinification. Of fetichinification?

Fetichinification. Fetichinification is a little bit thin. Linguine, no, no, no, no. What's the difference between linguinification and fetichinification? Fetichinification, you get a little flatter, just a little wider. So it would go spaghettification, linguinification. Yes, spaghettification, linguinification. Fetichinification. Fetichettification, linguinification, uh... Fettuccinefication.

Fettuccinefication, pappadelification. Pappadelification. And are they all like egg? Yeah, very much they can be. What do you call it when that thing happens but it makes a tube but it's even smaller and on like... A macaroonification. Elbow macaroonification elbow. Macaronification. Macaronification. Let's talk about something else. I reckon that'd be really good. I've got every pasta, a list of every pasta. Oh do you have a list of all the pastas?

There's quite a lot of them. You know that I don't think any of these are physically possible other than spaghettification. Well, are you sure about that? They said that's what the Italians said in the 1600s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you watch... I'm the Catholic Church to your Galileo. If you watch...

To your Galileo. Thank you, Biglennolium. In Tostela, he got bookacification. What do you call it? Do you understand? What? He got bookacification. What do you call it?

Because he was a Christian. He was a Christian. He was a Christian. Interstellar he got book-case-ification. What do you call it? You understand? What? He got book-case-ification. What do you call it? Because he was in a bookcase at the end. What do you call it when you do that shit but it makes you sort of like a seashell? Oh, what's the name of the fucking seashell, bastard? Conchiclification.

I got one, I got one. Yeah? I got one. What do you do? Is it Oricietification? Yeah, Oriclification. I got one, I got one. Yeah. I got one. What do you do? Is it Orochietification? Yeah, Orochietification.

Was that actually- That's where I was going. That's a hard one to describe, you know, like a small- Smallish shells. Because it doesn't really look like an ear. Yeah, I would say like- But Orochetti means ear, Orochetti. I would say what would you like, you know how in Mission Impossible how they put fake fingernail finger

Like foot Fingerprints like covers the finger so you can touch stuff and yeah, I'm actually thinking you've gone in 60 seconds They do that and gone in 60 seconds, which one the original the Nicholas Cage Nicholas Cage Which in my opinion is the original do you know what I was thinking? I agree. I Popped into my head fully formed the other day. Swordfish, remember? Yeah, swordfish blowjob fish. Yeah, Hugh Jackman gets a... Can you hack while getting a blowjob?

Yeah, with a gun to your head. With a gun to your head. He had a gun to his head as well. Never forget that. Got one more question for you. He did not crack or come under pressure. It takes how many years for the sun to complete one orbit through the Milky Way around its centre. So of course the planets... How is that relevant to what we're doing? Yeah. We're talking about different pastas. Yeah absolutely but I still want to keep the pressure on Frenchmen. Okay. So the Sun, of course we rotate the sun in a year.

The sun rotates the centre of the Milky Way, the obviously the black hole at the centre. And how many years does it take for it to rotate? I don't know. Five hundred years. Five hundred years. Oh come on. Around a whole galaxy. Come on man.

One galaxy, whole galaxy. You guess cunt. Oh no, it's your on trial. Alright. Five hundred, yeah, we'll just zip around. It's a whole galaxy. You guess cunt. Oh no, it's you're on trial. All right. You're 500.

Yeah, we'll just zip around. It's a whole galaxy. Remember? We thought that was the whole universe. 35,000 years. 35,000 years. Oh, come on man. 35,000 years.

Come on man. Come on. I don't know. I don't know. You just, you want to maybe make a guess. Paris guys. A million years. A million years. A million years.

He's so belligerent. 20 million years. French people are so belligerent. 20 million years. Come on man. A hundred million years. A hundred million years. Oh god, really is it more than that? Yeah, yeah it is.

200,000 million years. That's a bit silly. I don't know. You were on the right kind of path when you went 20 to 100. Twenty five hundred million years split the diff 250 million years will be less 240 million years 230 million little bit less 220 million years. Yes, but that was a bit too long. So I am gonna duck five points. What am I on? What's my score? I don't know. It's a running total over the last eight days and it's bad. Paris man Big Linolium what have been your highlights of these Olympics? I like seeing them run. Run run run run run. Oh when they run they run real red.

My favourite bit was one person run and the person runned and one of them runned the fastest. Well, I like the running where they pass the stick. Oh yeah, that's when- They run as fast as they can. Stick pass boys and stick pass girls. One person, one person when people drop sticks, sad. Sad, sad. Oh yeah, sad when people drop sticks.

I like run, run, run, jump, run, run, run, jump, run, run, run, jump, run, run, run, jump. I like run run run jump, run run run jump, run run run jump, run run run jump. I like best basketballers in the world versus everyone else. Yeah, that is always fun. The guy from Space Jam versus everyone else. Guy from Space Jam versus everyone else. I also really love people that are pretty good at soccer. LeBronchen.

People that are pretty good at soccer. Yeah are pretty good at soccer. The Bronson. People that are pretty good at soccer. Yeah, pretty good at soccer. Kids play in boxing, because they don't make the real boxers box. They get little kids to box. They should get them to. Kids play in soccer and kids boxing. Yeah. Because professional tennis players can compete.

Yeah, they do. Shoots, shoots. Which why, why, why professional tennis players in the professional? Like it's a vibe thing. So like what used to happen in basketball is it was just like college kids play because I'm like, hey, let's not get professionals to do this. And then Spain got really good, I think, and beat the USA. And so the USA went, all right, Cairns. And so they brought out every good player.

And they won. Andre Agassi. The Olympics was all... At basketball. Yeah. The Olympics was all... At basketball. Yeah. The Olympics was all amateur. Very similar. Very similar games.

The Olympics was all amateur in its initial... In Athens. In Olympia. No, no. Well, yes, in Athens, but... On Mount Olympia. A hundred years ago, we're talking here. The home of Zeus.

Who remembers when Björk performed at the Greek opening ceremony? Remember that? Björk? I was thinking, what's this lady, not from Greece, doing performing at the Greek opening ceremony? Now you, Big Linolium, you ran at that. Yeah, I was there. I was there. Behind the flag, wearing my little green and gold. Yeah, and now what has been great, what Australian performances have made you get horny this

last one? I got gold at the Commonwealth Games Good, oh yeah, you said nice What Australian performance? I love seeing the Aussies do good at the at the at the at all the stuff they do They've done us proud They have done us proud And we just don't have as many people Well, you've got you've got to realize Per capita we fucking smash

Per capita we fucking smash and it should be, but they don't count that. No. They go, is America, who wins usually? You know in the city. China, America. China, America. Russia not allowed this year. How come? Because of their drug cheats. Are they? They cheat with drugs. Do you know what was very funny? I. Careful. Careful. It's true. You'll be dead by tomorrow. I had never seen... I would have missed at the airport. I had never seen the movie Dodgeball before. Oh, haven't you?

And my goodness is that an awful... It's a terrible movie. It doesn't hold up. Genuinely one of the worst... What about that like, If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's also... There's more... There's more tits in that movie than I've ever seen. What year did it come out? You know, I don't know. Reptorial. 2003, I reckon. That would be my money, would be 2003.

It is so full on. Why are you bringing this up at the Olympics? Because. Did you watch it as an adult? I watched it last night. And for the first ever time. For the first ever time, alright. I'd never seen it before.

That's a weird movie to watch for the first time. It came on for reasons that I don't want to get into. It was on, I was like, this is a real piece of shit. Like, this is a real just phone and an in-piece of shit. 2004. 2004. And then there is a scene. I do love VidSpawn though. There is a scene. It really, never in my life have I seen a movie that holds up less. In every aspect. In the way it's shot, in its structure, in its jokes. You don't want to talk about like tennis or something? Well I'm getting to it. I'm getting to something. This is pretty nerdy shit.

There is a scene. There is a scene. I watched The Avatar with my wife. The Avatar? Yeah, I went to The Avatar. It was a bit long. It was the last movie I watched. Yeah. They're blue. Yeah, I didn't mind it. It was alright. Now imagine them in the steeplechase. You know what I'm gonna, I had to say it was nice getting a popcorn because I couldn't get a popcorn when I was a professional athlete.

No of course. Do people sit behind you in the cinema or do they tend, do you get back row? I try to get back row out of respect because I'm a tall guy. You don't want to get noticed. Oh and also the helicopter blades. I forget about that. There is a scene in dodgeball where Vince Vaughan is down and out. Oh, yeah. And then a famous sports star comes up to him and gives him a pep talk. Yeah. And it's the lance. You can spoil dodgeball for this.

It's Lance Armstrong. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. And it's really great to watch that. He cheated a lot too. But, but then, you know, was everyone cheating? Yeah, I think the reveal of the Lance Armstrong, the layer with Lance Armstrong that was so funny was just the slow reveal that every single one of them was cheating.

So that's the question. Is he still the best if it wasn't even playing field? But it's just very funny to watch that movie now. I didn't expect it because Lance Armstrong. I mean I did a lot of it. 2004 Lance Armstrong walks in and he's like, I'm Lance Armstrong and I'm the greatest cyclist in the world. And he picks up Vince Vaughan.

It's just funny with the context that we have today. Yeah, today he's a drug treat. Well, he wasn't a drug treat, he was blood doping. Blood doping. He did a drug cheat. Well, well, he wasn't a drug. He was blood-doping. Blood-doping. He did a bunch of stuff. So he would go up into the mountains so that his blood had higher counts of oxygen in it. Yeah. And then remove the blood and then put his own blood back into him. Which I think is so fun. That's such a fun idea that I'm like let him win. So put your own blood back in you. Take it out. That's got such a, I love the way it sounds.

I'd like to do that once. I reckon I'd feel really good. Wouldn't that be fun? Isn't that what the crazy man, I know you don't fuck his dad or his son but he has something weird with him. What are you talking about? The man that wants to live forever and he like puts his son's cum in his blood or something. The same out characters, biohacking. Yeah, he was for a time taking his son's blood and putting it into him. All good stuff. It's great stuff. All good stuff. I don't think we fuck around with our blood enough. The idea of going, I'm not going to take drugs, I'm going to take my own blood, is just fucked up and I love it.

So the tennis, do you want to talk about any of the sports? Well we've just wrapped up on the swimming. Yes we have. And it wasn't good in the pool. And the pool was good and they've transformed the stadium from that amazing opening ceremony. Now we are getting into the athletics. Yeah but how was the, I want to talk about the divers and how they did Ozzy's... They flip around. They flip around. And I go, I'm watching it, right?

Because I was on the commentary team for that. And I'm watching it and I go, oh, geez, that's the tallest, like, bloody board I've ever seen in my life. They're gonna win for sure. And then they go down and as they're going down, they do flips and turns and twists and I go Jesus Christ. You seen them doing it when fucking two of them doing it at the same time? Yeah same time. And let's not forget the Dancing in the Pool show. Oh when they're upside down. When they're upside down? What do they call that? They do a bit of that. Synchronized swimming. Yeah Dancing in the Pool. Dancing in the Pool was, and our Aussies did it so

proud. The other night I couldn't sleep and on the tally was an interview with the former president of the international, of the IMF, International Monetary Fund, and now I know that she used to be a professional synchronised swimmer. Yeah. And that's a piece of information that I do not need that will live in my head. And who could forget the water polo? Oh when they ball. I know but it's poor horses they all drowned. How good was it? Did you see when they go up the wall, the spider-mans? When they go wall climb. Oh that's not a pool one though. No but have you seen, did you watch that one? Yeah that's good. And the trotting? The trotting. They got skateboards now. They got skateboards. You can skateboard. You can... The break dancing in yet? Yes, this year it is. Big spins on your head for points and the Aussies did us proud. Gecko wrestling.

I'll tell you my favorite one. Yeah. The trotting horse. You said that already. The hansy lady on a trotting horse. Trotting horse, they call that equestrian. That's me, that's, do you want to hear a little bit of, can I play a little bit of the commentary that I did? Oh, big linoleum please. Please. Let's cut to earlier this week at the equestrian. Jeez, that horse is trotting well isn't it? Yes absolutely it is and I think when you see the trotting horse you see the form of the horse and the relationship with the horse and its rider is so important. Yeah I mean it's not really about the form as much as

it is about the relationship between the rider and the horse is that correct? Yes I'm saying Dan, what a beautiful horse it is, it's got a strong leg and a fine dick. Excuse me? Excuse me? A fine dick. You can't touch the dick when you're riding the horse, you have to sit atop it and just imagine it. What's the dick got to do with it? Yeah that was a little weird. And who was that co-host, the Equestrian expert? So they match me whenever I'm commentating. I'm there as sort of for the, I'm like the eyes for the audience. You're like the Joel Creasy at Eurovision. Yeah, I'm like the Joel Creaky at Eurovision.

And then they put me with a... What was their name? I don't know, just some British chick. Well, British chick is here now. British chick, thanks for coming in. Oh, hello there. How are you? We're very good, thank you.

Now, when you said the horse's dick and you can't touch it, what were you talking about? See, it's sort of a thing that you used to be able to jerk off your own horse. Oh, okay. Right, right, right. So back in the day, if your horse was getting a little rowdy, you'd give it a little, you'd jerk it off, you know. Yeah. And then apparently, because it's bestiality, because know because it's thanks for coming on yeah we yeah yeah

she's second cousin to King Charles really but her sentience has just left that and got into Mark's brain so welcome back British woman yes now you left your own body and have gone into the power of Mark's body. Yes, I'm less of a sort of a real tangible person, I'm more just sort of a spirit that enters into your bones. Sort of, I imagine you do, it looks a lot like the evil dead spirit where it's like just the camera. Oh that's nice.

Yes, yes, a little bit like that. Now the horse is caught. Get out of here with that horse. Wait, let me speak. Let me speak. Elf devil. You're not welcome here. Yeah, get out of here.

Tineke la tenewa. Okay, well that was weird. Yeah, you were possessed by the devil of King Charles' second cousin. Yeah. A gold medalist equestrian who likes jacket off horses The weightlifting this week, oh can we talk about the weightlifting? Yeah I love when they pick up because you go that's really heavy on you see him. Sometimes you see them try and They don't get it. I it. And then they try again and they don't get it.

But on the third time. They don't get it. And they're eliminated. Oh really, is that three in a row? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the way it works. But sometimes you see them and you go, that's too heavy. But you covered it, Mark. And so we're going to cut now to you covering the weightlifting that we did. You just didn't know the rules of.

All right. So he's lifting it for a third time. Let's see if he gets it. He didn't. That's all right. I'll give it another go. Wait, why is it? Where's he going?

Wow. That was a very illuminating clip. Yeah. I had no idea. I had no idea of what, I was genuinely confused, he dropped it the third time I was like, you got it, you got so close. Did you watch the swimming? Broden did. So they got... Broden commentated on the swimming. We have a bit of it, He was fired. He really fucked it up.

You flunked. I just... Bro, you fucked up. But to be fair, that was the moment when someone drowned. And he was just in shock. But I took over the next day. Oh yeah, that's right. They brought me in and oh look at them splash, them splash splash splash splash from one side to the other side

One of them splash it the fastest and then oh, there's another one splashing up to him, but then this one splashed the fastest Wow They looked like splashes to me yeah, that was that was just doing the backstroke like splashes to me. Yeah, that was, they were just doing the backstroke. Now, did you know there's different kinds of strokes? This is something I didn't realise. No, major, minor, cerebral. Yeah.

No, no, no, you're talking about the brain hemorrhage type situation. No, no, what I'm talking about is when people go from one side of the pool to the- Wank. From one side of the pool to the other side of the pool, the reason why they do it so many times is that they are told how they are allowed to do it. Yeah. Do you understand? Yeah.

So it's not like, so I thought, I assumed it would be, alright here you are at the one end of the pool and whoever gets to the other end quickest wins, right? No, no, no, no, it's like it's whoever gets the other end of the pool quickest wins But you're only allowed to do it this way. Yes, and then they have to do it a certain. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't get to pick what Let's go through the strokes Favorite stroke the least favorite stroke. I love strokes. Yeah'm swimming. Mine's Julian Casablanca's. No, no, no, no. Fabian Moretti. No, no, no.

Not the famous band that reinvented rock and roll in 2001 with their... Butterfly, Nikolai Furtari. I'm talking about Swimmin' Strokes. Oh, okay. Because me, I cannot watch... From time to time they will have a swim. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely, they will. Of a swim. Oh absolutely. Absolutely they will. Of course they will.

They're very wealthy boys and they were before they started the band. Albert Hammond Jr's gotta be number one. Sure. I like the way he holds his little guitar quite high up. The Killers from that era are awesome. But they're not the Strokes. No, no, no. But that whole era, that rock boom in the 2000s.

I'll tell you this bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah's are up there for me. Interpol. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah's or Interpol? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah's. But I was saying yeah, yeah, yeah. I said yeah, yeah, yeah's and then I said yeah.

But even like La Tigre, even you know, like that whole era. Phoenix. Phoenix, oh Phoenix, who could forget? Some of the best rock. People with Alzheimer's. Yeah. Excuse me? People with Alzheimer's could forget. Oh yeah, they would.

Depending on how far along the disease is manifested. Hello! Oh she's back, she's taking off. What are you back? Are you the same character? Help me come back. I'm the same physician. What are you back? Are you the same character? I can't even say I'm possessed here. Who are your favourite rock bands of the 2000s? I don't really listen to rock.

Really? What do you listen to? I listen to EDM. Really? Yeah, so like a Boris Brackhouse sort of... No, I don't really know. I like just the big ones. Such as? I don't know. Just relaxes back. Yeah I go to EDM night at the club at Crown Casino. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you just don't you just like He's like the dance. He's like the

Lady So we were writing our favourite. Zach, you were possessed briefly by the equestrian commentary lady. I mean, big linoleum, not Zach. Well, here's the twist. I'm not big linoleum. You're not big in the linoleum. No, he's removing his mask. I'm removing his Mission Impossible mask.

What, linoleum? Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least linoleum mask. This is like a lino Impossible mask. What, linoleum? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's linoleum mask. It's just like a linoleum mask. A linoleum sort of... I'm worried that underneath is just going to be chipwood. Nope. It's me, Zach.

Oh, it's floorboards. It's floorboards. That's great for the house. That's incredible. Why would they cover that in linoleum? No, no, no, no, no. Sorry guys, you're confused. I think you've just assumed, because you assumed you were going to see floorboards.

I think we polish him up. No, I floorboards. I think we polish him up. No, I'm Zach. Please don't polish me. I think we polish him up and that will increase the value of our Zach by like 10%. We can put down a nice Persian rug. Absolutely, absolutely. You can polish me but just don't use anything toxic and please don't try to remove a layer, you know, like one does with the floorboards. No, no, no. We never would. No, no, I'm Zach. I cannot believe you were floorboards. Ask him 10 questions Zach would know and floorboards wouldn't know.

All right okay all right yeah yeah this is we're gonna test we're gonna test to see if you're who you fucking say you are. If you're just tuning in I claim that I'm Zach one of the three members of Auntie Donna. This is a bit. But Broden and Mark... This is a bit for the ages. Broden and Mark are under the impression because I was originally encased in linoleum that I am nice floorboards that have been uncovered. This is the clip for social media. And they need to be polished. They need to be polished. Absolutely. They're not, you know...

These boys want to polish me up. They want to varnish me. They want to do that thing where you take off the top layer of wood. It's so much more beautiful. It's great for resale. You're great for resale. If, if, if I am a hardwood floor, that is the best thing they can do. If I am Zach, which I am claiming, that would surely kill me. Not instantly, but through the infection to the abrasions to my skin, I would die.

And now we're going to test him to see if it's actually Zach. Now, this is going to be the clip, I'm sure this is going to be the clip for social media. Yeah, this is a very accessible idea. And what's great about this is... We should cut this up, make it into its own podcast. You have to listen to so much, so much podcast and you're going to be so confused as to how we got here based on where we started. Because you've got to listen to two episodes to understand why I'm big linoleum. But right now we are going to test Zach to see if it is Zach or if it's actually four

boys. And my life depends on it. So it is funny, but there are high stakes. And potentially a high resale value. Okay, here we go. All right, question number one. What does Zach eat for breakfast? Now, if you're listening at home,

floorboards wouldn't eat anything. Floorboards would actually love things like varnish. Yeah. Well, they would love nothing. A good mop. Yeah. And you know, like you gotta vacuum them. You gotta vacuum them pretty often, or sweep.

So let's see what he says. Let's see what he says, because if he says, I don't like any of those things, I don't eat breakfast, I prefer things like a mop. Then I'll have my answer. But if he says like, cereal and milk. Yeah, yeah. Toast. Toast, yeah.

We'll see what he says. Maybe even like yesterday's pizza, you know, like for breakfast. I do that. Well, let's just find out. Let's stop, because I think he can hear us, which is the worry. Yeah. What score do I have to get for you to not- Just rip off my top layer of skin.

One, one, like one out of five. Okay. We'll see. So what do I eat for breakfast? What does Zach eat for breakfast? What does Zach eat for breakfast? If you are Zach. Uh, usually doesn't eat breakfast, prefers an early lunch.

Floorboards do prefer an early lunch as well. That's why that's hard. Could be Zach. Could be Zach. With floorboards, you don't eat lunch as well. That's why that's hard. Could be Zach. Could be Zach. Floorboards, yeah, don't eat breakfast as well. So, yeah, this is tough. Do you want to ask a question?

Okay. Shit. Sir. Why are you stressing? Because if you think I'm floorboards, I die a slow, painful, agonising death. You're going to go over my skin, rip off my skin, and then paint varnish on it. Not if I'm a person. Think of how much you'll elevate the kitchen space.

Easy to clean as well. If I'm a person or if I'm chipwood, you best hope I'm hardwood before you do what you're about to do. If. Brodo, first question. Next question. It can be the first question. This is life or death.

Were your parents humans? Uh huh. Or a tree? Yeah, great question. Joe and Stan Ruane humans. Okay, well that's Zach. That's Zach. That's the Zach I know.

Isn't they? Isn't they? Isn't they? Who's to say that Joe and Stan Ruane haven't had floorboards and love them so much that they consider them. And we can't do follow up questions. No we can't. Have you met Joe or Stan? One time I was with Zach and he was like,

they're my parents and pointed at a redwood. Did he? Yeah. Yeah. Shit. That's strange. There was two parents below like at the base of the tree? Yeah, no, yeah.

There was one time he said, I've got my mum over for Christmas and I peeked into his house because sometimes I just like to sneak around. Yeah, you're a fair little peeping Tom. And he had a Christmas tree. I didn't see any Joe. His parents? How would you have known what you, because you have met my parents have come to shows

and stuff. Yeah, but they always run away. they always run away whenever I go to can trees run a running tree yeah trees with legs a running tree I don't think they exist guys you are moving the goal posts here yeah mark to go so some of the goal posts made out of metal Metal. Metal I think. Wood. Maybe PVC. Wood. Wood.

Wood. Wood. Wood. It's interesting. No. Summer wood. I think I've got a question that might help us figure this out for us. Do you enjoy being walked all over?

Do I enjoy being walked all over. Do I enjoy being walked all over? No. I like to stand my ground. Stand his ground. Stand his ground. I gotta say I'm I have no idea. I'm leaning floor. Oh shit. You're leaning wooden floor. You're leaning wooden idea. I'm leaning floor. Oh She'll leaning leaning wooden floor. You're leaning wooden floor. I've got two more questions. If you're just tuning in I have two more questions Why two more questions was it five or was it? No. No, why is he leaning floors? I'm trying to figure two more questions not leaning prove that I am Zachary Wayne Otherwise these guys will torture me now. Well, the thing I'm worried about now is that you're a leaning floor. See how easy it is? Which which which if you really think about it is a wall.

No. No. Yeah. No. Yeah yeah yeah it is. No. It is. Because if a floor is a floor if a floor would lean all the way up.

All the way up. That would become a wall. A wooden floor. But it has the wall. If a fucking, listen. Okay. If a floor, say you have a floor, you lean it up.

How much? What degrees? 45. Oh, that's right in the middle. That's not a wall. That's a floor or a wall. A roof at best. The only way you're going to know if that's a floor, a wall or a roof is whether someone's walking on it or walking next to it. Exactly.

So, could go either way. Exactly. It's a lot of knowledge on walls and floors for a man. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, true. Ask me your next question. Ummm... Yeah. Yeah. OK, true. Ask me your next question. This is life or death for me, you understand? We got a crack. We got a fucking crack in this case.

Talk us through your childhood. Uh-huh. Sure. Yeah. Favorite memory from childhood. Favorite memory from childhood. Favorite memory. This will be big. And this is, your life is depending on this because I'm going to fucking sand you down and varnish you for resale value.

Now. And for lifestyle. My favourite memory from childhood, this doesn't, this is, okay, this is a little bit awkward. Okay. I need you to just hear me out when I say this. It was when I was first chopped up. Okay. From the log, from a log. Yeah. I'm starting to lean a certain way now. Right. And that's what I'm worried about. When I was chopped up and laid out along the bottom of a house in a sort of alternating pattern and then vanished. Now I know that sounds like the childhood of a hardwood floor.

But I need to promise you that that just is a coincidence. I was expecting something like going to school, going to the beach. And I did all of those things. But when I remember it was, I think I was about 10 or 11. I would have been about 10 because it was around the same time as the Sydney Olympics, which is fitting, the theme of the podcast. I would have been about 10 or 11. I went on the summer, I was chopped up from a log and laid out along.

It does not, it doesn't help your case. But do you understand this is one specific- I would have picked- Yeah, but I have to be honest here. Yeah, no, and I appreciate the honesty. Oh no, we need to know, because I don't want to, to be very clear, I do not want to kill Zach. No.

I don't want to- But then again, I don't want to sell this house Oh, I know if he's before boards. He has to be and I own refurbished and We need to like yeah If I'm like I know I that lino was awful even a read like looking at the hallway and do we need the hallway? Do we open it up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah knock some, knock down some walls. If I'm a floorboard, can I just say this? What is it with you and floors and walls? I'm not a wall or a floor. Oh wow, that would be really a great twist. I think we've got another podcast. I just want to say,

I just want to say if I am a floorboard right now, if, right, and I've had the memories of a man, a man you once knew named Zach, inserted into my brain and they've merged mushed with the floorboard memories, but I am a floorboard. I say 100% that you need to, I own this and this is scary for me to say this, but 100% you need to varnish, you need to take off that top layer and varnish that floorboard. Because then it increases the value. It's risky. Because he will ascend.

At least he knows. If he is floorboards, he'll become a better version of himself. I want to know more than anyone here whether I'm Zach or whether I'm floorboards. It's like if you're a person of great deep faith and you pass over, you're going to find out pretty quickly if your faith was worthy or not. Pretty quickly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. this is the last question I think we're all leaning towards floorboard now myself included

yeah oh let's see how this goes my last question last question oh Jesus um how How do you feel about flames? If you were to be engulfed in flames, what would happen to you? What would happen to me? This is going to be big. I would scream. I would scream. I would scream. My skin would bubble up. The water in my body, the 70% water in my body would turn to steam.

And I would soon die. So you'd burn. And that's done it for me. This is Zack. Congratulations. Because if I was a hardwood floor you would just burn. I would just burn. Unless you're wet. Yeah, yeah. And the varnish and everything would probably play a little bit. But I think a lot of the things there about the steam, the body, the screaming, none of those things would happen. You're a sentient floor.

Well folks, but I believe you are Zach and we'll leave it there. Wait a second. Wait a second. Someone's trying to wrap it up a little quick. I've just got to get to back to my house. Your house. Interesting that you call it your house. Where would you go when you go to your house? I would go to a couch or a bed. Where would you go? Oh dear, every day corner of the room. You're the floor. You're the floor. Why was the floor? Why was the floor?

I was the floor. Why was the floor? Now we're going to polish you. Oh no, but that's been the Olympics. Thank you so much for joining us. That's been the Olympics. Oh no. We'll see you next in four years time for Olympics fever again.

Yeah, and it's going to be crazy crazy then the fever is going to get worse. LA is it going LA? Look it up. Broden's going to gigs it. Um, um, I can't believe it was Broden the whole time. That was the floor. Yeah. Well, the LA Olympics, Los Angeles, city.

We'll never know if I'm a floor or not either. Like we, no, we found out. We asked you Los Angeles. City Angels. We'll never know if I'm a Florian or not either. No, we found out. We asked you. We interrogated you. Yeah, but there'll always be that fan speculation on the forums. Okay, I thought we got to the bottom of it. I thought it was pretty clear.

Yeah, but it's good to keep it a little bit ambiguous for the forums and the fan speculation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a great Olympics. Enjoy that closing ceremony. And we'll see you in four years. Hopefully Kylie performs again. You've been listening to the Auntie Donna podcast. Thanks for joining us for another RIP episode

brought to you by auntiedonaclub.com. See you next week.