Aunty Donna Podcast - What happens on tour happened on tour

Episode Date: March 3, 2026

We went on tour and stuff happened on tour and we will tell you what happened on tour in this podcast and it is funny Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Grouse House podcast. So last year we went on world tour. Mm-hmm. Help, help me. What do you mean? You were kicking off the podcast? We're doing a world tour thing. We're telling, we're talking about the things that happened.

We have lots of crazy stories. We've got a couple. I wrote down three that I remember. All right. Zach? I won't be sharing my crazy story. Oh, Zach is a hornbag And he

He would often on tour say things like What, what happens onto a What happens on tour Happened on tour What happens on tour Leave it What was it? No, because you say what happens on tour

And we would all go, yeah We under, obviously I have that what I said? Yeah, it was weird What happens on tour Happened on tour It works I mean, I remember having a, like, I thought I, I thought, I, I remember it having a good ring to it.

But I thought, because we're often in the, in the VIP sessions, we would tell stories that had happened that day. And, uh, we went all across Australia, New Zealand, Canada, US, UK, Ireland. And, uh, let me say, uh, some of the stories, I wasn't sharing at those VIP sessions. You're going to do this for 30 minutes Yeah, I think so Let's see how it goes All right The first one I would like to tell

Is a story of in Brisbane Yep I got a couple of stories Well, I got one story from Brisbane But you're not hearing it You're doing well This is good I really know

Hey, you can do this If anyone can do this for half an hour It's you Yeah, yeah Don't let Don't let him break your confidence You got this man I'm coming into this new podcast

Being supportive of my brothers Yeah You guys are my fucking blood brothers We share blood Do you understand that? I understand Do you understand what I mean by that Yeah, I understand what you mean by that

What do I mean? Broden What do I mean? Fucking you tell me what I mean Cunt I joke It means I've taken your blood And I've put it in me

I've separated The white blood cells When did you take out blood When you were sleeping on tour What happens on tour Happened on tour And this happened The first story I would like to tell

Is called Mark lost his wedding ring So gather around children Well it's quite stressful Yeah I'll tell you what, I certainly found a way to deal with that stress, but I'm not going to tell you about it. Wanking? Was it wanking? Fuck someone.

Drink? I don't know. Like, I'm not going to tell you. Did you jerk off to relieve the stress from me losing my wedding ring? Is that way? I didn't jerk off. Did you take his wedding ring, put it on your dick? And then just, that's disgusting, Zach. And then move it up and down. Listen, I made a choice to stay silent about some of these tour stories. Yeah. And I can see now that you're filling in the blanks. Yeah.

And it's creating a situation where I can't defend myself. Yeah. So I need to have a think about how I engage with this podcast. I thought the angle you were doing before was fun. But then what happened is you then, I left gaps and you. you filled it in with, I put your ring on my dick. You said that. I said you jerked off to relieve yourself from the stress of me, having lost it.

No, I didn't do that. I didn't do that. The story is, Mark, I did not do what you said. Okay. Mark. I did. Yeah, sure. That makes sense.

I just want to say, I chose not to share all the details. You put it on your dick. No. No, he jerked off to relieve himself. He was talking about his thing. I just want to say one thing. I am choosing what I do and don't say. I want to say unequivocally, I did not jerk off to relieve myself of the stress of the ring thing.

All right, I believe you. I think there's been that and other accusations thrown around. Yeah, well, why aren't you denying the other one? What Broden has said is a crazy accusation. Right, so deny it. It wouldn't fit on my dick. So clearly aspects of his story are. incorrect. So you see what he said there?

Yeah. It's not a fool. Because for mine, he like really put the hammer down. Did you wank? Did you wank to make yourself feel better about? Absolutely not. No part of that. But did you take his dancing around? Did you borrow his wedding

ring? He's dancing around it. Put it on the shaft of your D. You could move it up and down. Broden, you have made a assumption? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's without, in your attempt to try not let everyone know. what happened, you're making it very clear. But it wouldn't fit on my dick. You're right.

I'll come back to this because what happened is you got married. Congratulations, by the way. Finally, you've said it. I think we'd said it before. Yeah, I think, no. I'm so sorry if that's true. I've been fucking hanging for it. Really?

You'd know. I would have said it on the wedding. I know. Yeah, I didn't even say hi. As I walked in, you think, I was like, Where's the food? Yeah, yeah. I'm hungry.

Sorry about that. It's all good. It's all good. But you have a nice big wedding ring. Yeah. It's on your finger. It's on my finger now. It's not.

It's not like a six inch diameter. It's the diameter of a ring finger. I don't know. Yeah. Like I don't want to comment on the, because you say it doesn't fit and I don't want to comment on either way of why. It doesn't fit. Yeah, it could be too.

Is the ring too big? Is the ring too small? I have a pretty much on average circumference. Yeah, right. I believe. It's harder to measure than length. And maybe this isn't, we don't have to talk about it. I don't want to talk about the girth of my dick,

but there have been accusations thrown around. Ones that I believe are an attack on my character and ones that I think have within them gross exaggerations and assumptions. So it's before a show. We've got a big sold-out Brisbane show. This is the true... Whenever you hear me talking,

it's the true story. Okay? Stay with me, audience. I'll be the kind of... For once. You don't have to carry that. The straight guy. You don't have to carry that,

I want to tell the story. I think it's a great story. But I want you to keep doing... I want this. These sort of... Thank you. So what happened is, you are all of a sudden,

like, where the fuck's my wedding? You're walking around backstage and it's a cool backstage area. It's a wonderful backstage area at the, uh, uh, is not the trivilly. Fortitude music hall. Fortitude. What's the trivily? That's a, the trivary.

I got some stories about that backstage area. Oh, you're doing two bits. I got some stories about that backstage area. No, it's the same bit. Oh, okay. You're not going to hear him. So you lost your wedding room. What did you do back there?

That was a shared space. If you did something. Did you wank back there? You did something. that you don't feel comfortable talking that Bron and I about. That makes me very upset. Hey mate, what happens on tour, happens on tour, all right? That is true.

So you're like, guys, have you seen my wedding ring? You're going through the catering table, you're looking at couches, you're looking through. You missed the most important detail. Go. I was, I had a, you know, one of the, a lint remover. Yeah. I was removing the lint on my, my costume. Take us through.

Take us there. I don't think there's much else to say. Is that the most important detail? Well, it's a pretty, it's good to know. It paints the picture. Maybe not the most important. I'm sorry. I didn't, I didn't mean that.

I just, I shouldn't have said most important. I said it up a bit too much. I think the most important is you lost your ring. Yeah, you're right. You're so right. That is way more important. You stopped. You're like, but you're missing the most important bit.

I was removing lids from my shirt. You're right. I'm just going to go with the flow. now I'm just going to stop bringing in what I think's important. It's not, it wasn't that important. And you're like, oh, and we looked around, we couldn't find it. And as time went on, it was getting scarier. I was getting very stressed.

The show was close. Show was close. And our opener, Ben Hunter was in, like, meeting a lot of us for the first time. And he had this dynamic of three guys, four guys going, fuck, where's his fucking ring? Because I'm a professional funny man, right? People meet me in real life Yeah, absolutely

We're all professional funny men You're not, are you? No, I'm allowed to talk about myself We're all funny men Yeah, but I'm allowed to talk about myself And that doesn't mean, yeah, that's not taking away from you You're all funny men Yes

Some funny than others We're all professional funny men Absolutely professionally Professional funny men I'm one of three professional funny men that I work with Is that better? What are you doing, Zay? It's fine. No, it's good.

The other one will be left out. I understand. I didn't, I was, I was, he said he's funny. I just, what I'm trying to set up is that when a, I'm saying I'm funny too. Yes. Do you understand? I'm a, I'm a professional funny man too. Okay. Okay. I don't understand where there's, is there tension here?

I think you may be created some. Why? What's wrong right now? What's happened right now? So all I was trying to set up is that I am a professional funny man. That doesn't mean. And so am I. And so are you.

And so are you. We're going to go to an ad break. And when we come back, we're going to get to the bottom of what Mark's problem is here. Welcome back. So we're all professional funny men. Yes. Great. That's the end of it.

So when someone like Ben Hunter, a child, how young is this boy? He wouldn't be older than 15. Yeah, fresh. Man, he's 20. No, I don't know about that. No, no, no, no, no. He'd have to be in like nine. He had a youthful naivity about him.

Hosts Triple J over, overnight. Yeah. That's too late for a boy. That's a youth radio station. Those are the hours for a man. So he comes in expecting to see three professional funny men, Zach included in that. I'm making special, special mention of that.

so that you know. It's a shame it has to be a special mention. But also I was there. Oh, come on, man. Come on. Come on. I wasn't setting up. I wasn't trying to say

that I'm the only professional funny man. And I never said that you were saying that. What I'm trying to say is... Ben was expecting funny men. He was. And can I just say one thing? Can I just say one thing before you go on with your story? Probably one thing.

Broden, you're a professional funny man. Thank you. Yes. Carry on. So when you're going to meet your idols, your heroes, the people you look up to. Probably, yeah. Ben would. I'm pretty sure.

Oh, he was, when he walked in the room, he met me the first time I saw in his eyes, go, this is a professional funny man when he saw me. That was my, he gave me that look at. Oh, really? I fucking knew it. What? I fucking knew it. You know what? You've never respected me as a professional funny man.

Zach, that's not true. That's simply not true. 14 years I've been professionally funny and a man for you. Show's getting closer. We can't find the ring. Ben's stressed as well. He's like, this is a bad energy to be in. Well, he's seeing these men, three men, professionals, who he knows to be funny.

And he's expecting us to be funny backstage. I imagine he was imagining we'd be doing goofs and gags and mucking about, you know, know, playing, I don't know, kiss chacey, schoolyard games, hula hoops, whatever it is, a young boy desires to see the people he respects the most, the people who made him start doing comedy. Maybe. Some assumptions.

Well, why else would he have been there? I think we paid him. Yeah, he's a gig. Yeah. So anyway, he's there. And what does he see? He sees two professional funny men. You two.

And a stress, and all I'm trying to say is I was pretty stressed out. Oh man, that was a huge divergence. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, I was just trying to say I was stressed out. We couldn't find it. We looked all across the stage. And I just, I want to apologize here. Because I see you were trying to talk about how you were stressed out.

Yes. So the fact that Brod and I, a professional, Finding, man, wasn't relevant to the story. Absolutely not. So I see now why you didn't bring it up. And I apologize. We went, we looked all across the stage. Maybe it fell off where we were getting the stage ready for the show.

You tried to convince me I'd left it in my hotel room and I fucking told you. I said, no, I didn't. I tried to make you feel better. I didn't know that conversation had happened. I'm sorry. I didn't know that conversation had happened. So then I said, hey, Mark, maybe you left it in your hotel room. And then I got the fire of a thousand sides.

I was like, oh, I think there's some context here. I'm missing. No, because here's the thing that happens in my brain quite earnestly. I'm like, I know I didn't. My brain's going, I know I didn't leave it at home. But then there's the other voice going, but you're a dumb gun. And maybe you did.

But I know I didn't. But also, I just lost my wedding ring. So who am I to say whether I did or didn't? Right. And it's that feeling of like, I'm really so sure I didn't. And we checked everywhere. Like you'd gone to the bathroom.

You'd wash your hands. You'd gone and dove it there. You'd started doing your hair. We'd been on. stage setting props, all these different places. And we looked in all of these locations and we couldn't find them. You were off downstairs looking for it. Tom was looking at it.

You had resigned yourself almost to the point where I was like, okay, I've lost it. I need to move on with my life. I started. Well, yeah, no, no, no. Before you get to the ending, I also want to talk, brief detour of B plot of Detective Brodard and detective Zach. No, this is an important part. So we were like, so Mark said to us, he says, he goes, I didn't leave it at home.

And we said, we were whispering behind your back. Going, I bet he did that dumb cunt. Dumb cunt probably left it at home. What a dumb cunt. No, we weren't. That's all right. I was telling myself that. What we were saying was...

We met in the arbor and discussed. We were saying we need evidence. We need proof. We need to... We need to... We need to stand up in the court of law. We need to be sure that it is here. So we realised we'd done some photos for social media.

Half an hour earlier. We'd done social... media photos of we're in Brisbane. So, you've got to do that as a social media comedy. If you're a professional, that's what a professional. Professional funny man is. And I wouldn't know that. And that's why I'm happy to admit I'm not a professional funny man.

Why don't you give me so much shit before then? Because I want you to think I have. Of course I do. You have the same job as me. Zach, chill the fuck out, man. You are fucking wound up so tight. I just want to be respected. You are.

You are. And I don't know how else to fucking make you feel this way. I kill myself to make you feel like you are. Kill myself. Do you understand what it's like working with the two best professional funny men in Melbourne? No, I have no idea what that's like. Well, imagine, take the feeling you feel of working with the best professional funny man in Melbourne.

Yeah. And the third best professional funny man in Melbourne. And now imagine you're dealing with the best professional funny man in Melbourne and the second best professional funny man in Melbourne. That's tough. That's a tough game. It hurts. Yeah.

It hurts. Every day I come in and I go, and you guys got any ideas? I don't have any ideas. And then Brodn will say, what about big dad goes to the shop? Fuck, that's great. Mark comes in and he goes, What about the cum dog? And I'm sitting here, I'm racking my brain.

I'm wrecking my brain. Nothing. So we're looking for the room. Yeah. And so we go, because we're professional funny men, not meaning to go back over our grand, we'd taken a photo saying we're in Brisbane.

Zach actually said, get that photo you took out. Let's see if he has a ring on. That's a great idea. And I had eight photos or so in my... It's not funny though. No, but it's a detective, a professional detective would have said that. Can I ask you a question, Tom?

This microphone, is this fine? I've been just signalling so hard to just put it a little bit closer to you. A little bit closer there. I love it. There we go. That's not a professional funny man thing. That's just a technique thing. It's a professional thing.

That's so much better. Sorry. Sorry, I don't even know. I would have put the microphone. No, exactly. Don't you fall the pieces. Everything makes him fall the pieces. But he has moved away from the mic again

I just want to Yeah I do want to just I do want to You gotta get more self-confidence man That's what it is It's a self-confidence issue

No you don't believe in yourself A bit more Then like a soft breeze Won't break you down All right But so he's You gotta build a strong foundation Of yourself

To keep the house up The house that Zach built That's a beautiful house I want to live in it You know You're welcome I just wish You never come around.

I just wish you were happy with the decor. You got to your... Make sure it isn't non-compliant. Yeah, TikTok guy, YouTube guy, the non-compliant guy. Yeah, yeah, I love him. No, I don't know. Now, this great... This guttering is non-compliant.

This will leak into the patio. This is non-compliant guttering. Non-compliant. No, I don't. Broden, you said earlier that I was talking like a professional detective. I disagree. I think I said that. It's okay.

I don't mind. We're a collaborative effort. Most importantly, I'm not going to have a breakdown about it. No, don't say. I was just setting an example. I wanted to tell three stories. Yeah. We will get to the three stories.

I just want to say that I think a professional detective would say something more like, um, oh, listen, it's just, uh, yeah, I don't, I don't, there's not a good chance you can find that rig. Yeah. And you'd say, oh, could you please try it? And they go, nah, I got, I got it. We got, anyway, well, these two, let us know if it shows up. These two boys went above and beyond.

We went through eight photos, right? Some, we're like, no, it's not in that one. It's not in that one. We found one. And it was, we zoomed in on it on your little finger. Mm-hmm. Your very thin little finger, dainty little, thin finger. Not a girthy finger, is it?

That's right. Right. So you've got a spaghetti dick. I don't have a spaghetti dig. And it's on there. And so go, it's in the building. Right. So I also could have been a shadow. Pardon?

Could have been a shadow. It could have been a shadow. Could have been. Yeah. But did you both feel like idiots then for trying to convince me that I left it at home? We just like, maybe it's at home. I was like, oh, that's a shame. I did feel my sink, my sink drop.

My gut sink. My gut drop. Because the only answer at that point is this little fucking boy from Triple J Knights has stolen Marks. Yeah, Ben Hunter. So we put it in a run. That little cun. And I went to him, I said, even though he got there after. Yeah.

And I went there and I said to him, I said, Ben, can we talk? You guys are straight. You don't know this part of the story. I said, Ben, can we talk? I sat him down. I said, listen, we're pretty established in this industry. I said, if I find out you've fucking stolen my best friend's ring. I will fucking destroy you.

What do you say? I don't know. I walked out the room. Wow. I haven't apologized to him for that. But I just want you to know that I'm backing you boys every day. I do shit like that every day that you don't know about it. You don't need to.

No, I'm a professional funny man. And behind the scenes, when you don't know about it, I am yelling and threatening young comics all the time for you guys. This isn't saying that you're not a professional funny man. But I don't think that's part of the job description. That's unprofessional funny man. But that's the shit I've got to do so you guys can shine. It's just unprofessional.

So, and then Zach, this is where it all comes full circle, this story, is because Zach, a perfect circle. I was hungry. I wanted a treat. Go on. I don't know what you mean because he went through the bin. I'm a little rat. So Zach went, hmm.

I think you. used personal losing stuff experience. Is that fair to say? Well, that's why I first pitched maybe it's back at the hotel, because that is often my story. But you, I didn't realize you have two rings you were wearing one of them and I thought that was such an interesting point. I have other rings and part of my routine because I am a fucked Losey thing person. Yeah. I've carried a little satchel with me. A purse. It's a purse. I've carried a purse with me since I was 21 years old because once I lost my wallet on public transport three times in a month. Wow.

And after that, and after having a breakdown at Southern Cross Station, after losing it the third time, where I fell to my knees, I fell to my knees on Platform 6 and went, not again, when please not again, how is this happening to me? This can't be a thing. I then bought a little. satchel, I keep my keys on my wallets in it.

And I haven't lost my keys on wallet since. I didn't know that satchel had such a traumatic history. That is why I have it. That is why I carry that. And so I've gotten very good. See how you're learning my, my technique? And you've come up with a routine and a way to do that.

He's smashing the microphone. Yeah. Yeah. Now, um, so I have a routine with my wrist. And if I don't put one on, I don't put any of them on. So if one is on, at some point, they were all on. I knew this to be true.

All right. This is part of the, this is important part of the story. All right. Fuck. All right, you tell it. But then, Zach goes. Well, I was like, it was a real retracing the steps thing. And at one point, I can't remember exactly, but at one point you'd said,

you were maybe worried you'd taken it off to wipe you. your hands. So you usually take it off to wash my hands. And I think, and you'd looked on this in the sink. And then I was just like, well, heck, maybe it's in the bin. Maybe it's in the bin. Maybe it's in the bin of the bathroom. I can't remember if I thought it through or if I was just like, let's just check it. Everyone had gone through that bathroom five to ten times. But no one had thought like the rat. No one. The rat king. Zat. Had used the mind of the rat. The vermin. And I thought to myself, perhaps it's in the bin and I went in and I unfurled little pieces of paper. And what it happened is when Mark, because it's quite a girthy ring, when Mark was drying his hands,

he'd accidentally taken the ring off with his paper towel, put it in the bin. And so I unfurled the paper towel and what a little treat was in there for me. and then you... And then 20 minutes later I came out of that, fuck, Park, is this your Rick? I said yes and I put it in my mouth.

And that, that's how a professional funny man fucking does it. And that is a pretty true story about the day Mark lost his, wedding ring. And Zach did a mic drop and may have actually. And Zach's leaving.

Don't leave. But we don't really have the room. This is very unprofessional because the podcast doesn't finish. Well, I think it has. I just wanted to say really one thing. I wanted you to throw to me. That was a hand not to finish, but to throw to me. The funny thing was Ben Hunter afterwards was like,

I was meeting you guys for the first time. And because of most upsetting guessing game, I wasn't sure if you guys were doing some crazy improv warm-up game. Yeah, the improv game was Zach. Mark is visually, visibly very distressed. And everyone else is kind of shook by that distressed energy. When they, I wish Zach was still here to fill in this last bit of the story,

but he's left, then he'll commit to the bit. Because that's what a professional funny man does. He's going to say, I'm just on Tom's microphone, just to commit to the bit. If you need me, I'm here, brother.

Well, you did. The way you revealed that you'd found the ring to me was very cute. Do you remember what you did? I remember my experience. My experience was just going hearing someone go, oh, oh! At the time I was like, that's the joy of someone who's found the ring. In retrospect, it could be coming.

Because he's got a wedding ring. Because he went to where the sound was, but the door was locked on the toilet. Yeah, and I thought he was, oh, I found it, but he was fucking the ring. He was going. I didn't, what did you just do? It was, it was, it was, he just came up. remember you put

Mark where it you did it you tell me what we walked up to you and said we were like we found

someone's gonna be you were like you were like remember what you did you came up you're like oh someone's someone's gonna be a happy boy

you something like that you don't remember I vaguely remember it I think whether we should fucking ring no no it was really cute what you did. I think I was like, bro, fucking, we found your fucking ring man. No, you were, no. I think we ran downstairs. We were like, oh, this is good. Yeah, yeah.

We were excited. But, well, I like what you were doing. Yeah, that's what you were doing. That's how you remember it. Proto proposed one of these. We always, he's diming. And I went, don't fuck with me. Yeah, you were like, you were very, you were like, don't. It was like, it was goodwill hunting. Yeah, I was like, if you're going to, if there's a burger ring. behind your back and you're doing something cunty. I was, I was going to be really upset. I was going to be really upset. But then you showed me you found my ring and I cried.

Because I was, uh, because I'm a pussy. That's not pussy. It's pretty pussy. No, it's not pussy. Nah, real man cry. I was very, I was overwhelmed. I was very happy that I hadn't lost my ring. And I didn't have to buy another one because I started looking up.

I was just going to buy another one. Yeah, you were like, I'm moving on, but we found the ring. Well, Zach found the ring entirely. Yeah, Zach found the ring. But I had like two other great stories. Now smash him out. Guy, you got one minute. Or we could...

Not two of them ever. No, well... I mean, that's what I was setting up for. I was going to say, because we've got other podcasts. Go on. Nah, no. Do the... Do it.

Do it. No, a professional funny man knows when to quit. All right. Well, Maybe we'll tell the other two stories. What do you think the other two stories are? Who I saw in an elevator. Yes, correct.

Really? Yeah. And the picture of Tom's poo after he was constipated for a couple weeks. No. That was crazy. No. Can I tell that one very quickly? It looks really good.

That's awesome. Yeah, it looks really good. Can we just tell that one real quickly? It's very quick. the next week man and there's another one the Toronto car yeah

that whole thing the Toronto Tom showed me a picture of his big shit that he took after being constipated for two weeks yeah I hadn't been seven days and I loved it it hurts so much

great country to have that in too because they got lots of water in their toilet Vancouver well the North American toilets yeah all right that was

that and if you if you've spiritually got a wedding ring that you've lost uh check photo check if you've taken photos for social media before you lost it and and then you'll know whether you're wearing it or not and whether you're a professional funny man or you're not a professional funny man it doesn't matter yeah uh what matters is the your heart and the spirit of a man and um how much they love their family and what they're willing to do for them, what they're willing to sacrifice. There we go. That's good.

That'll do. You've been listening to the Auntie Donna podcast. Thanks for joining us for another Ripper episode brought to you by Auntie Donner Club.com. See you next week. Welcome to the future.