Aunty Donna Podcast - Where’s Zach? feat. Detective Tom

Episode Date: August 20, 2024

A noir adventure that takes us from the docks to The Dick Shop featuring Captain Shit, Steve Jobs & Dickless Pete. Oh and has anyone seen Zach? LINKS  Listen to the episode we mentioned ‘The Chase’ https://pod.fo/e/cf854  Follow @theauntydonnagallery on Instagram https://bit.ly/auntydonna-ig  Become a Patreon supporter at http://auntydonnaclub.com/   CREDITS   Hosts: Broden Kelly, Zachary Ruane, & Mark Bonanno   Guest: Thomas Zahariou Producer: Lindsey Green Digital Producers: Nick Barrett, Jim Cruse & Tanya Zerek Audio Imager: Mitch Calladine  Supervising Producer: Elise Cooper   Managing Producer: Sam Cavanagh   Join The Aunty Donna Club: https://www.patreon.com/auntydonnaSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A listener production. Hi everybody, it's Zach Rewain, introing this episode because I'm actually not in this episode. This episode titled Where's Zach with Tom Armstrong, very special guest from God Wolf, a bit of a film noir pastiche. If you want to watch the visual of this podcast, of course you can head over to AuntieDonnaClub.com, which is our Patreon. You get to watch all the visuals of our podcasts and also lots of other bonus content like me talking about Star Trek and

shit. The greatest fucking fuckers in the world. Burning like a sack and sometimes a guest. We hope you enjoy the motherfucking podcast. Hello. It is me, Detective Eagle Point Nerf. Nerf Eagle Point. And I'm here today. Highton character. I'm here today to solve.

This is me, Highton. I'm here today as Ner this is me hon. I'm here today as nerf eagle point to Find out solve the mystery of where is Zack? Zack is missing Should I do like an accent? Yeah, I think it's like it might be too late to bring one in no because I was thinking like eagle point I could do like a knives out sort of like,

you know, like, like an old Kentucky. I mean, how do you feel? Do you feel comfortable? No, but should I go for it anyway? I mean, let's try it on now. Okay. And then we'll hear for a bit and then see how we go. Howdy, I am a detective Nerf Eagle Point. I love that. And I'm here to solve the mystery of where is Zack? Zack is not here. So I'm gonna go find out where Zack is and

look for clues and detective-y things. First up is this mechanics. Knock knock knock. Yeah one second mate, one second mate. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Do you know where Zack is? Zack. Zack. Remind me what does he look like? He's tall.

Yeah. He has long hair. That's sort of his, like, thing. Did he ever host an episode of The Chase? The Chase. No, I don't think so. I'll just say yes. Oh, yes. Yes, he did.

Oh, he did. Oh, he, oh, yeah, that's Zack. The one who doesn't know what a fucking towbar fitter is. Oh, I remember that episode. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. So you're, um... I'm fucking tow bar fitter is. Oh I remember that episode. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. So you're um... I'm a tow bar fitter. Man who is tow bar fitter. No my name is Sam. Oh hello Sam. Hello. But I fit tow bars. Yeah right. Now when I ask you, when I say to you I'm a tow bar fitter, what do you

reckon I'd do? I reckon you take cars without tow bars and you fit tow bars onto the back of the cars. That's why this man's a detective. Yeah. Very smart. Deductions. It's new art so talk to the audience a bit. Okay. This is a small boy I keep.

Yeah. I love narrative. As I am. It's my small narrative boy. I'm a kept boy. Yeah, I keep him around. He's free to come and go as he pleases. Yeah. But he polishes the tow bars and I'll watch him. Okay, and it's nothing weird. No, it's just nothing weird

It's nothing weird. I'm a kept 21 year old boy. Yeah, I'll just keep him in the office He sleeps there under the desk and he gets a he gets as much food as he wants when he begs for it as I talk to Sam the tow bar fitter, I look around at the greasy mechanic. Is he talking to you? No, I'm storytelling. Oh, right. I'm doing one. Yeah, right.

Okay. I'm using a flowery language. Oh, okay. Like bread and sort of pastries, that kind of thing. Yeah. I was thinking more like the grease stained upholstery. Do that. Yeah.

That's all I've got. Yeah. Um, let me inquire further. So what's your relationship to Zach? Well, you know, we had a run in. Yeah. Once when he, I just, he couldn't fucking fathom what a tow bar fitter was. Yep.

And I'm like, and if you want to check that out, head over to the Auntie Donna podcast and listen to the episode, The Chase. The Chase. A great, a great episode. Yeah. Very funny, in my opinion. Yes. And that's the backstory there.

That's kind of a prequel to this episode in some ways. Yeah. story there. That's kind of a prequel to this episode in some ways. But I remember now, now the last time I saw Zack he brought his car in here because we finally, you know, we got over our bullshit. You know, we got over it. We made up. We had a, we got into a wrestle. That's how I like to solve my problems with my boy here. Yeah. So I'm a kept boy of the towbar fit of Sam. Yeah, and we get into it. We're doing body slams. Yeah. Yeah. Throwing each other. I got him to throw me onto a trestle table full of thumb tacks the other day. Yeah, right. We call it ECW. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, which stands for... Extreme Championship Wrestling. Yeah, yeah. It is really cool. You want to get involved?

No, thank you. Now, do any of your wrestles? He's just- Oh, you struck? I struck your chest with a slap. Narrate it, narrate it. As he struck my chest, I realized that I'd immediately found my first suspect. What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just weird. Now, when you wrestle, Zach, does it ever go too far? It does sometimes go too far. That's a too far? It does sometimes go too far. That's a good narrative. It does sometimes go too far. He really gets into it.

He gets into it so much that he often has to go to the toilet in the middle of the wrestle, but I don't let that stop us wrestling. So you continue to wrestle in the toilet? Yeah. Yeah, is that weird? I mean, no. I mean, whatever floats your boat. Don't judge. Yeah, I don't judge from here. No, it's not a no. I mean, whatever floats your boat. Don't judge.

Yeah, I don't know judgment here. No, it's not a sexual thing. Don't say float your boat like I'm fucking getting off on it. Boy, tell him. No king shaming here. He doesn't. What? I don't get off on it.

He doesn't get off. It's not a fucking... Not a thing. How dare you? Yeah. Are you a PI? Yeah. A private investigator?

Is that what that stands for? Yeah. Oh, great. Hahaha. I'm Detective Nerf Eaglepoint. Oh, right. Um, alright. Well, sometimes he goes to the toilet. And he shits in a very particular way. Does he? A very special way.

Yeah. The way it kind of drapes out of him. Mm-hmm. Which is never an adjective I thought I'd use for someone going to the bathroom. That's giving me like sticky elongated shit gloves. No, don't go anywhere. You don't have to go into it. But it does drape.

What if I did it in like a noir storytelling way? Okay. That makes it better, but still for me I'm not happy about it. I'm happy to hear it. No, no, no. Let's not hear it. Yeah. No, it's all right.

You could do it like a, you could use that flowery language. Yeah, use the... Like a baker up at 4 a.m. Yeah. He was wily. What's with the bread stuff today? Flowery language. Yeah, yeah.

I think I've got a way to describe it. All right, go. When Sam described Zach on the bathroom, I've lost my accent. It sounded as if it was sticky and elongated shit like bread dough. Needed. Falling out of his bottom. Yeah it was a bit like that. Yeah right. Yeah. So did you kill Zack? No no no absolutely not but I know who might. Who? Because as last- Is he dead? Well, I assume so. What? He's dead. Where is he? I thought he just went missing.

I feel like he's wrestled him. Wrestled him too hard on the bathroom and he's fallen and hit his head or something. Nah, it's all fake, mate. Oh, it's all fake. Wrestling's all fake, but it does hurt. Yeah, I know. Oh, it hurts. Oh, it's fake, is it? Is this fake?

OUCH. Yeah. That was fake, yeah. He slapped him across the chest. Yeah, yeah, a bit. Well, I didn't actually, you know, punch you or anything. What really happened is you clapped and he set fake. Yeah, he slept. Yeah. Yeah a bit. Well, I didn't actually you know punch you or no What really happened is you clapped and he set out. Yeah, it's too Yeah complicit in a lie. Yeah, I probably should have just struck you but I would never do that

You have my permission to strike me. I'm okay. I'm here to fit towbars. Make sure my boy doesn't get out I'm a kept boy. Yeah But when I saw when I was wrestling Zack, yeah, had him in a choke ready to choke slam him And okay, yeah, and he was going to the bathroom and it was draping out of him. I said this is very day like bread dough Yeah, I said this is very particular way Where did you learn? How to poop like this? Yeah, he told me how to poop like this. Yeah.

He told me, Captain Shit. Captain Shit. And he said to me that, uh, he was going to the bathroom in a way that Captain Shit wouldn't have approved of. Okay.

So if anyone had something to do with that going missing, you might want to talk to Captain Shit. Now where could I find this Captain Shit, Sam? Um, in the docks, at the docks. At the docks. That's spooky. He may live in like a plank of wood at the docks as well. He's thin. He's thin. And quite long. He's thin and long like a 2x4. Okay, should I go there now? I mean, have you had lunch? No, should we get lunch? I don't want to get lunch with you. I don't know you. You're a stranger. I'm just saying you can go

straight there but also if you're hungry get lunch first. Okay, any anywhere good to eat around? Um yeah, yeah there's uh uh have you been to Oven Street Bakery? Yes. The place is sick. It is very nice. Yeah. A lot of construction going on on that street at the moment. Yeah, I saw the like animal rescue come and take a couple of dogs that I think would be mistreated from the place next door. Not from the bakery. No, from the place next door. The guy that runs that bakery, he loves his dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. So I should go to Avon Street Bakery? Yes, and don't ask or tell anyone about this boy. Yeah, keep me a secret. Okay, the um... Alright, hooroo. Alright, see ya.

But before you go, how are your towbars on your cars? Um, really nice and well fitted and well polished. Thank you. You're welcome. I did them. You sure? Right? Yes. I did them. Right? Yes.

I did them while you weren't even, while we were speaking. Oh, you just did it now? Yeah. Oh, thank you. Yeah, that's why they're so good. Oh, wow. I don't know why, this was done.

This was done and you were leaving. Yeah, I was ready to go to Armistead Bakery. And it wasn't, it hasn't offered anything good. I'm just struggling to know when to go into noir storytelling, you know? No, I think you're doing a great job of that. Yeah? Yeah. All right.

As I left the garage. Bye. And headed down to the docks. Go, get out of here. I'm walking and narrating at the same time. Are you? Yeah. All right. Walk faster, please.

I definitely thought that Sam, the tow bar fitter, was on the top of my suspects, and he's clearly hiding something from me. But now I must head down to the docks to find Captain Shit. Captain Shit! Um... Uh... Well, hello, dear.

Oh, hello. Matee! How are you? Good. My name is Captain Shit and I'm the captain of this here boat at the docklands. You've got a great accent. Well thank you very much. That's what I've been trying to do. I'm Captain Shit and I've docked my ship at the docklands for a period of time right

here for no other reason than I wanted to visit the city. Are you a captain of shit or you are captain shit? Um... Like is your boat made of shit? Is that the bit? Um... I uh... I... I... Um... No? Not sure. I'm Captain Shit. Captain Shit. Captain of Shit or Captain... Captain Mr Shit? Captain Shit.

Oh, who's this? This is my kept boy. I'm a kept boy. Are you the first mate of the shit ship? You should check for Zack down at the... Are we moving on from Captain ship already? At the at the dick shop. Oh at the dick shop okay thank you Captain Ship. No go you just die. Do you guys want to come to the to the to the dick shop? Um, I... I don't know. I'm re... I'm not... This is worse than Party Quest.

Captain Shit, I had a message for you. Well, don't... Bec, what is it? Uh... I... I... Um... I don't know. You guys are... I don't... I don't... Somewhere...

We're ready to set sail? I wasn't sure at this point whether Mr. Shit and his first mate were just bad at improvisation or this was a bit... Have you ever tried looking at a friend and truly seeing what he's doing or this was a bit? Have you ever tried

Looking at a friend And truly seeing what their their agenda is Yes Yes, I think so Okay We just we just like to check that with people so yeah, no, I feel like I feel like that The dick shop is where you should go. Yeah, do you want, do you just want to come or?

I don't know. You don't know? You can't leave? I don't know. Because you're just shits floating in the dock, hey? No, no, no, no, no. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't. You're just little shit people that live on a shit boat

down at the shit docks. I don't, I don't, I don't, I can't. You're just unsure. I really don't. You guys don't know. You're just little shit people that live on a shit boat down at the shit docks. I don't, I don't. I can't, I can't. You're just unsure. I really don't. You guys don't know. Yee-haw! Oh yeah!

Alright. You seem like a, like a old man shit. I'm a boy. I bet you're a boy. I'm kept here. I don't, I don't, I don't. Kept by captain shit. I don't, I don't, I don't.

I don't know, I don't. Is this a previous podcast reference as well? No. I feel like as a detective I should have done my research before I came in on previous podcasts. That would have helped. Have you guys seen Zack? At the last I heard of Zack... Was at the dick shop.

Was he was talking about the dick shop. He was talking about the dick shop? Was he was talking about the dick shop He was talking about the dick shop? He's always talking about the dick shop And how he needed a new dick Yeah Well let's go find Zach at the dick shop and see if he's there getting a new dick We got to get back to work What do you do for a job? I don't know, I don't know

I'm not sure I really don't know I have no idea Yeah that's fair Alright well I'm off, we're sure. I really... I know why. Yeah, that's very hard. All right, well, I'm off. We're going to go to the dick shop. Hopefully we'll find some people at the dick shop who can provide some more information as to Zach's whereabouts.

Are you talking to me or have you just dropped the flowery language thing? I feel like I'm trying to, when I go third person noir storytelling, that's when I'm doing the flowery language and I just in that moment I wasn't sure if you were doing the third person and it just sort of like given up. Head down to the dick shop in Chadston. Oh in Chadston? Chadston shopping center. I thought to myself, throw to an ad.

Let's go to an ad break. And when I come back from the ad break, my detective story. Yeah, great. And now recap everything. Okay. For those of you just joining us, we're on a mission to find out where is Zach. My name is Detective Nerf Eagle Point.

I have a thick southern accent southern accent yeah yeah yeah first I went to the mechanics and there was Sam the tow bar fitter and his boy who was a tow bar polisher and then they didn't know where Zack was so they sent me down to the docks where Captain shit and his boy who sounded more like an old boy, were there and they didn't, they either seemed to be poor at improvisation or to have no answers for me, but they did say go to the dick shop at Chadston. So that's where we find ourselves now. Walking around Chadston, very lost, three, I don't know where I parked my car. There's three different stories. I'm very lost.

But there's the Apple store. I might go in the Apple store and ask if they have directions to the dick shop. Excuse me. Hi, welcome to the Apple store. I am a genius. Hello, genius. Do you know where the dick shop is? What are you here?

Do you have an appointment today? Let me put it into my iPad. No, I'm just looking for my friend Zach at the dick shop. Do you notice that I'm a genius? Yeah. I have a ponytail and an apple shirt. It's very cool and groovy. Yeah. Um do you find that your products are overpriced? Do you have an appointment? No. Hmm you'll need to go online through the Apple ID portal and book in an appointment. Would it be cool if I just asked you really quickly where the dick shop is? Unfortunately there's a line of suckers behind you who use Apple products.

Yeah. Who have fallen apart because they're shit. Yeah. Oh hello, come in. Hello, I'm Steve Jobs. Oh my god, Steve Jobs, how are you? I'm good. I'm here at the Apple store because my fucking, this fucking iPhone... Aren't you dead?

Well, that's what everybody would like to believe but actually I'm a minimalist and for me I just needed to get rid of a life life. So this is the ghost of Steve Jobs. It was kind of fluttering my space. Yeah. I had problems picking a couch. Yeah. So why would I not have problems? Excuse me Steve. Yeah. Just gonna need you to fill in the online portal to the book an appointment. Really? Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck, alright. Um, do you even really know? Is that a pixel? No. You gotta Google pixel? I like to see what the competition is doing. But you're a ghost? Like why do you even use a phone? You can go anywhere at any moment.

In my belief of ghosts. Yeah, no, that's not actually how ghosts work. What are you, where are you at? Ghosts work like a close-ended system. In the sense that- I know that, I'm a genius, I know what that means. Yeah. I don't.

I wear a turtleneck. Yeah, right, and do you know where the dick shop is? Oh yeah. Where is the dick shop? It's on level- Do you guys have an appointment for this conversation? I only know where JB Hi-Fi is, so- We don't need an appointment to have a conversation about where the app

I just need you to log into the Apple ID go in there go to Chadston Apple and talking at time Okay, all right. Let me do that if you're gonna talk Well, you know what? Well, I'm gonna get out of here. If you're gonna get out of here You're gonna have to do login really ID into an appointment. I'm gonna go out of here. If you're gonna get out of here, you're gonna have to do, log in to Apple ID and do an appointment. I'm gonna go visit the Taj Mahal. Steve, before you leave, do you know where the dick shop is?

What are you talking about? I can travel beyond space and time. That's great. And I've- You just log into the Apple ID and book in Taj Mahal. Apple Taj Mahal. Stevejobs at gmail dot com.

What the hell? Gmail? Password. You hate Gmail? Password. I love close-ended systems. I think he likes open-ended systems. No, I like close-ended systems.

Oh yeah, nothing that we can't be fucked with. I spoke to Seth Rogen in my garage. Oh yeah. And I told him, it's gotta be closing. Yeah. What does that mean? It means you can't put your bits and bobs in it. Yeah, no, it's gotta be Apple.

It comes as one thing. And you can't like, yeah, just change out the round. You say, you say comes with an Australian accent. Do I? Yeah. It comes, it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes. Oh no, the ghost of Steve Jobs is saying comes a lot. But you know, I've never seen the Taj Mahal.

Well go, but you got a book in. And he's gone, like dust in the air. It's a shame, I feel like he knew where the dick shop was. Maybe he'll come back and take you there. Maybe I should go back down to JB Hi-Fi, because I know where JB Hi-Fi is, and ask them if they know where the dick shop is. Go for it. Okay, okay.

As I walked down the escalator I realized that those Apple people were really not very helpful. Hopefully I'll have more luck at the JB Hi-Fi. Um, excuse me, can I get your help for a second? Yeah, what's up man? What do you want? Um, do you know where the dick shop is? Wait, no. Wait, no fucking way. Yeah. Aunty Donna?

Ah, I do. Liam, do you way. Yeah. Aunty Donna? Ah, I do. Liam, do you know if we have any vinyls or anything? Yeah, yeah, no. Yeah, no, idols. Yeah, yeah, no, we do, but mate. Fucking. Oh, yeah. Aunty Donna. Yeah, I know the guys and work with them often. Fuck me.

Yeah. Nice. It's pretty cool, yeah. Fucking love your fucking shit. Let me do you a deal. Hey, you guys know Zach from Aunty Donna? Yeah, he came in here one time. Yeah, yeah.

Has he been here recently? Yeah, he was in here one time. Has he been here recently? Yeah, he was looking for smart lights. And he said he was going to the Dick Shop. So where is that Dick Shop? I hooked him up by the way. I got him some Philips Hue for like 20% off. That's good. Could you... The LG OLEDs?

Yeah, what do you want man? You need like an SD card. Well, no, it's just good to know that I can get a discount if I come here. Apple stuff though, can't do much with that. Sorry mate. You need like an SD card. Well, no, it's just good to know that I can get a discount if I come here. Apple stuff though, can't do much with that, sorry mate. Yeah, no, that's very nice. That just comes in the way it is. Yep. You want to talk to the geniuses.

It's because it's closed system, that's why. I don't know what that means, man. You don't know? No. So essentially, have you seen the film by Aaron Sorkin? Because I'm a film buff, I have a lot of Blu-rays. Yeah, he works in the DVD Blu-ray section, man. Ask him any film. I have a lot of Blu-rays. Yeah, he works in the DVD Blu-ray section, man. Ask him any film.

I have a question about film. Yeah. Every time someone says- Christopher Nolan. Christopher Nolan. That's my answer. Tenet. Every time someone says Aaron Sorkin,

I think of the person who played Gollum. Why is that? Cause his name was Andy Serkis. Yeah, same in my head. Yeah. Isn't that weird? No. It's not weird?

No, one's a writer and one's a physical actor. A specialty actor. Yeah. If you're just saying their first and second names, they have the same initials. Yeah, I think that's the issue, isn't it? But I believe that's where the similarities begin and end. Yeah. Good to know.

Hey, you guys know where the dick shop is? Next door. Next door? Yes, next door. Okay, I'm off, guys. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Finally, I'm at the dick store. Hello. What is the dick store? And what do you do here dick store people? G'day mate. How you going? My name is dickless Pete. G'day dickless Pete. Guess why my name is dickless Pete? Because you don't have a dick? No. Oh. Because I fit towbars. Oh no. Do you know Sam the towbar fitter? No we don't all fucking know each other. Well you got similar accents. Just cause what? Cause I'm Italian I must know every fucking Italian as well. I thought you were playing like full Aussie actually sorry. You know I just I don't even know to be honest. I don't even know. I feel like when you do Italian you put one much thicker accent. My name's Dickless Pete. Okay, Dickless Pete. I work at the dick store. Yep. We sell dicks. Yeah. And in my spare time I fit tow bars. Completely unrelated to anyone else you've met today, I promise you. And do you keep a young boy

here? No, no, that's fucked. Why would I keep a young boy here? I just went down to the Captain's Shit at the Docks, they had a young boy. Oh, Captain Shit keeps a boy. Yeah, and I went down to the captain's shit at the docks, they had a young boy. Oh, captain's shit keeps a boy. Yeah, and I went to see him. Feels like an old man to me. Yeah, I know, right? I have like the traits of a like a... Yeah. Yeah. Have you guys seen Zach from Auntie Donna?

What are you talking, hello? Hi, have you seen Zach from Auntie Donna around? Don't bother the customers, alright? He's not a customer. What am I? I thought you were one of the dick employees. Do I have a lanyard on? No, you don't. Do I have a lanyard on? No you don't. Do I have a

uniform? This dick, this we love dick, the dick, the dick? No, I'm so sorry you were giving off dickless energy. Pull down your pants. Yep dick. What has he got there? I'm so sorry you were giving off dickless energy. I assumed. My name's Broden. You were, hi Brody. Hi. Broden from Aunty Donna? Yes. Do you know where Zach is? Hmm. No I don't. But he did say he was going to the dick shop. Yeah, but that's why we're here, because I'm looking for Zach. Are you looking for Zach too? Uh... yes.

That's why I'm here. Wow. You boys are in luck. Yeah? I'm gonna go though. Zach was... See, I might come back in an hour. I am looking for Zach, and that's why I did come in here. Yeah'll see I might come back in an hour. I am looking for Zach and that's why I did come in here

Yeah But I might come back later. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for Zach to definitely- What do you mean it's a coincidence? Nothing, I'm looking for Zach, but you're you do your thing Tom. You just happen to be in the in the dick shop Yeah, I'm looking for Zach. Okay. Bye. I'm Neff Eagle Points. Thank you I've got a sneaking suspicion bro. I'm in here looking for Zach. Okay. I'm NERF Eagle Point. Thank you. I've got a Sneaking suspicion bro. I'm looking for a new dick Right, maybe a dick upgrade perhaps. Yeah, maybe I mean that'd be cool you think about like cyberpunk that whole idea that you can just you know change any part of your body

Hello, I'd like to buy a new. Oh, you're still here. Yeah Broden where is Zach? Yeah, where is Zach? Well, I'm looking for Zach. Did he come here for a dick up ride? I might just go to JB. It's funny that you mentioned Zach. Yeah. Zach has the most beautiful perfect cock I've ever seen. Yeah, wow. He comes in here often so that we can take molds. Really? Yeah. He has beautiful luscious hair too. Yes, he does. When was the last time you saw him? Five seconds ago. Where? Right here. And where did he go? You just missed him. Where did he go? Did he say where he was going? Well, he came in fishing

Fish and chips. Fish and chips. He came in fish and chips because we have a fryer out the back. Oh, that's so handy. You know, if you bring in anything frozen, I'll fry it for you. Sick. So if I went and got a Mars bar from Woolies, would you deep fry it for me? Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you got batter already or do we need to make the batter?

Yeah, mate. No, I've got a tub of batter. Yeah. And I've got a deep fryer out the back. That's just for me. That's just like my hobby. Some people like ceramics. Some people, you know, go to the park with their dog,

throw a frisbee. Some people paint. Some people practice instruments on their, in the guitar or drums on the drums. What other people do? Some people play video games. That's my main thing, really. Some people, but you,... Well I'm getting to that. Some people are, you know, they're really into homewares, making homewares. Oh yeah. But you... Wait, I am getting to it. I don't feel like people really make pots at home. But me, don't interrupt me. Sorry. But me, I'll batter and fry things on request. But you, yes I've said that. Alright. Would you say batter is a flowery language? Um it's wet flowery language. That's true. Yeah, yeah. So anything you want deep fried,

any dick you want, I can sort you out. Separate things, I don't charge for the batter and fry. I do it for fun. Would you fry a dick? If someone bought it first, and then wanted a deep fry, I'd be like, mate, that is a waste, but. Do they have to hand it over and then hand it back to you? What do you mean? If I, let's do this, hi, I'd like to buy a dick.

Sure, what sort of model are you looking for? The Zach 1.0, the Zach 2.0, I'd like to buy a dick. Sure. What sort of model are you looking for the Zack 1.0? Yes, like 2.0 or the Zack 3.0. They're all Zack. Mmm. Mmm. The mystery is that gets thicker Zack 3.0 is act 3.0. That is our best-selling model. Okay. Yeah, it's two and a half thousand dollars. Thank you, here you go. That's all right, thank you. You just gave me a cracker. Can you?

Well, this is role, I'm trying to work through what you would do. Yeah, but don't give me a salata if you wanna pay for it. Well, before I pay, I want it deep fried. You want the salata deep fried? No, I want the exact dig 3.0. Well, you gotta buy it first, because once I deep-fry it the

Resale how much is the 1.01? It's the same like a car as soon as you drive this dick out of here It depreciates by like 20% instantly. Yeah, so and if you deep-fry it it goes up Back to what goes up to you know, you can sell for like 3-4 grand. Oh my god. So, I gotta be careful. Why aren't you just selling the 3-4? I gotta be careful. Because if you're, someone tried to start a deep fried dick shop across the road, I had to shut them down.

Oh my lord. Yeah, with fire. Why? You burnt down a rival? You shouldn't admit to that stuff. Why? Well, no, I just tried, like, I didn't burn it down. I used fire in a way.

Detective, take control. You've lost control. Yeah, I'm trying to work out if you're Broden and you came back from JB. I guess I did, yeah. Well, I've, yeah, I thought you were ashamed of buying dicks. I... I... I... Alright, here is your- here it is. What would you like to do with it?

Can I deep fry it? I mean, I can do that for you. Yeah. I don't let anyone touch my shit. What? But I'll do it for you. Yeah, thanks. Alright. I don't let anyone touch my shit either.

Batter, batter, batter. But did I take that off you? That's all I want to know. What do you mean? Did you hand it to me? When? The dick. I haven't deep fried it yet. You were just making the noises. Yeah, yeah, well no, I'm doing know. What do you mean? Did you hand it to me? When? The dick. I haven't deep fried it yet.

You were just making the noises. Yeah, yeah, but no, I'm doing it. It takes a while. But can I not touch the dick from there to there? Or does it come to me and then back to you? I mean, you can have a fiddle with it if you want before the end. No, I'm asking the protocol. I don't care either way.

I just want to know the protocol. It just depends when you ask. You asked for it straight away, so I took it out the back straight away. Great. So that's all I needed to know. But that doesn't, it doesn't have to go that way. Because if you buy a Mars bar from a fish and chip shop, I'm like, can I get the deep fried Mars bar, the process is all done. But you didn't ask for the deep fried penis, you said-

Let me try to start again. Can I have a deep fried penis? No. You can only have a penis at this point in time. Yeah, see, that's that. Now it's all clear to me. Yeah. So, anyone saying Zach? That was quick.

Um, yes. Yeah, that's right. He was here five seconds ago. Did he say where he was going? Yeah. He went to the toilet store. The toilet store? Yeah. What's the name of the toilet store yeah what's the name of the toilet store I'm sending you up for Bunnings Bunnings okay great I'll go to Bunnings which isn't a toilet store but there is a toilet section yeah sure sure sure sure

so should I go then yeah whatever you want to do man I'm not your mum that's true you're not my mother I just want to do man, I'm not your mum. That's true, you're not my mother. I just want to find Zach. Although if you bring your mum in here, I'll batter her and fry her up for you. Yeah, nice. I just really want to know where Zach is and my broden doesn't care where Zach is. Yeah. Oh, that's an interesting thing. I just want the dick. The dick 3.0. Yeah. And then you have deep fry Yeah. Well later, we'll do our business if you want to monologue or go away. Yeah. Yeah. Should I just do a little noir thing? Yeah. Whatever man. As I left the dick shop in Chadston, I

thought to myself How are we gonna wrap up this podcast? As I got to Bunnings, I approached the counter to ask if they'd seen a tall long-haired man named Zack. Hello. Hello. What's going on here? Um, I'm just looking for my friend Zack. Have you seen him?

Hmm. I have. But I need a little bit more. My memory's hazy, see? Are you asking for money? Huh. Do you want me to like... No, I'd never take a bribe. But you would though. Do you want me to like buy something from Bunnings before you tell me or... Or do you want me to like personally give you...

Sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, please. Where are the tap fixtures? No, aisle. At the... aisle at the back aisles. 22. 22? Cheers, thanks mate. Cheese bunnies are big aren't they?

How many aisles are there? I want bribe money. Bribe money, okay. Here's $50, will that do it? Yeah, no. Yeah, sure I've seen Zach. Yeah? Recently?

I can't remember. Alright, here's another 50 you sly dog. Thank you. Sure I've seen him. When did you see him? Why don't you ask my name? What's your name? My name's Dickless Shit.

Oh no. It's a culmination of all the places we've been so far. I'm so sorry. Oh hi. So sorry to interrupt. No, that's alright. I'm Dickless Shit. Oh yeah, you work here, yeah.

Yeah. Um, I just wanted to say thank you. They were in aisle 22. Yeah, great. And you're gonna buy one Yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah. I uh, I found what I needed. Yeah, and I got it and it was exactly what you said It would be yeah, I know I work here a lot and we're we're lowest prices at just the beginning All right. I just want oh I was just trying to say thank you. No no it's weird I don't know why you're doing this. It is weird I would say from working in retail that no one ever as soon as you say where the thing is. Well then I'll just fuck off then. Yeah that's usually what they do. Sorry for trying to be nice. Have you seen Zack? Yeah. Where is he? I gotta go I'll

see you guys later. Was that Mark? Yeah that's Mark. I gotta talk to Dickless Shit and find out where Zack is so we can wrap up this podcast. Hey, Dickless Shit. Yeah. I've had enough. I've had the shurb. He's on holiday. Where'd he go? He just went to Gold Coast. Oh, right.

To Warner Brothers Movie World. Wow. Case closed then. Yeah. Wow. Case closed then. Yeah. So what we did this episode is we wrote four characters down for Tom to go and find. Yeah, did I find them all? Uh, yeah you did. Yeah, wow.

You did really good detective work. Yeah, thank you. Because we tried to bury the leads as much as possible. Yeah. But we wrote down Toe Barfitter, Captain Shit, dickless Pete and then dickless shit and you interviewed all of them and you got to the bottom of the mystery. And what was the bit you guys were doing with the captain shit? What do you mean? When like you wouldn't answer any questions and you're just like... I know I guess we just found that funny

like Broden genuinely at the start didn't know how to answer and then we looked to each other and realized that was funny. Yeah, OK. Two characters in here. You just went for it. Yeah, just let's just roll with it. Yeah, great. Just leave me out to to float as it was. Yeah, but you did a great job leading that. Thank you. You uncovered the mystery.

Have you ever done a murder mystery party at your home? I didn't think so, no. I think you should. Yeah. Yeah, you love parties at your house. I do. I love parties at your house. Yeah. I think you should. Yeah? Yeah, you love parties at your house. I do, I love parties. You love parties at your house. Yeah. I think you would host a great one.

Hashtag Tom loves parties at his house. I love parties at my house. So hopefully we'll see Zach next week then, I guess. Yeah, cause he's on holidays, I guess. Yeah. Is what that man said. All right, well, that's the end of the episode. See us out with some more narration.

Okay. Yeah, and let's all remember Tom loves parties at his house. And as the sun set and I walked down the alley, I realised that crime can never be truly solved and it really is all... There was no crime. There was no crime. Guys, I had and it really is there was no crime guys I had a great joke coming up all right I'm sorry no no no crime can never truly be solved you guys are the funny ones so interrupt whatever you want that's right that is right but what I was gonna say your fucking I was gonna do like a Chinatown bit oh yeah great yeah so what I realised was it's all Chinatown.

You should have said it's all movie world. It's all movie world on the Gold Coast. Does he say it's all Chinatown or does he say this is Chinatown? I'm not sure. Just forget it, it's Chinatown. Forget it, it's Chinatown. Forget it Sam, I'm guessing that guy's name is. Probably yeah. Forget it Sam. Do you want to try again with that? Yeah sure but I guess like my the joke I was going for was like saying the wrong thing. Oh! Yeah. So I leave the comedy up to you guys. No but that was good. All right well I've had so much fucking fun today on the podcast and Tom I can't wait for the next party at your house Yep, that is something that is people don't widely know. Yeah, so Tom loves parties So hashtag Tom loves parties at his house and we will send we will be posting pics and clips from Tom's next big

party party soiree Yeah Tom's next big party soiree at his home where his wife and son live. Yeah. We have shared walls. We have shared. I mean, Jake, Jake, forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown. Forget it, Jake.

It's Chinatown. End. You've been listening to the Aunty Donna podcast. Thanks for joining us for another RIP episode brought to you by AuntyDonnaClub.com. See you next week!