Back Side - 1: How Theo Met John Cena? First W*nks & Tom’s Dodgy Driving Instructor...

Episode Date: April 18, 2024

The lads are here for their first episode. Where Theo reveals his recurring dream, they talk about which side of your brain is the monkey one... and lots more rubbish.If you'd like to work with us, email the studio on [e-mail] by The Fellas Studios: https://fellasstudios.com/podcastsTheo:https://youtube.com/c/HiMalfoyhttps://youtube.com/c/TheoBakerVlogsOllie:https://youtube.com/c/reevhttps://youtube.com/c/OllieFletcherTom Garratt:https://www.youtube.com/@TomGarratt10 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to a new episode of Backside with me, Reeve, Theo Baker, Tom Garrett and Lewis Bowden. If you haven't already hit follow, why not tap it right now for new episodes every week. And if you want to see more Backside, catch us on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram, where all you have to do is search Backside. Let's get into it. Guys, welcome to Waterside. We actually don't have a name for this shit podcast, but we're here and we're live and direct.

Oh, that's the intro? Yeah, man. Yeah, baby. So basically, I know what you're thinking here. I said Waterside. I got a month's detention. I know what you're thinking here. Is this a scheme for Lewis to finally get on camera

and be part of the show? Also, can I just say, Lou, why have you positioned yourself directly in front of Tom when no one can see Tom? They're not all the same. No, they can, they can, they can. You have really, like,

what is this white box doing? It's nice. It holds my clock. Get rid of that white... You said you've been... Do you know what? A lot of effort went into this set. I was working on...

Does it look like a lot of effort went into this? This is how this room always is. This is all from my desk as well in the office. Also, is it not going to be well echoey? Nah. This is all from my desk as well in the office. Also, is it not going to be well echoey? Nah, nah. We've got some good mics on the go. Is that mine?

Water bottle? You just started drinking that. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Is Miley Cyrus one of the most underappreciated and greatest singers? No, no, say what you said.

Singers, greatest singers of our, greatest singers of our generation. Say what you just said before you were in trouble. What did you say?

Was it not that? That's a hyperbole. I said Adele, Adele can do shit. No, you say what you said before. You said Miley Cyrus is the best female vocalist of this generation.

I didn't quite say that. I definitely think she has more to her vocal range than Adele. What are you on about? Fire to the Rain? What? Fire to the Rain,

that song alone. Set fire to the rain. Fire to the rain. No, that... Goodbye's a good one as well. I put Biebs above her actually. No. Okay no again he's done vocally he's incredible jay bizzle i used to fancy milo cyrus and justin bieber yeah i still do both she i actually got caught in uh i've told this i've actually told the story on what i haven't heard it uh when i was in year nine in ict what a class man by the way i got uh sky you know when you just get told to do your work exactly

yeah add the headphones in and i was so engrossed in what i was doing on the computer what were you doing what we doing because obviously you're so engrossed you must be able to remember yeah i was looking at photos of miley cyrus Google Images mate when Wrecking Ball came out that was like no that was a really that was a big off put I think I had my first wank

to that what did you say actually no my first wank was to the bill but not to the bill but the bill was on the telly I think mine was to kill Bill

the bill the police show that was his first wank nah because I discovered wanking like naturally not like do you know where like

bro do you know what so did i now that's what i mean i remember i was just pulling up my cock and then yeah it's like what's yeah you're like what's happening and then also yeah yeah but i don't think i started on my mates at the same time yeah they were like this feels great why don't you give it a go no i swear no because i went to school the day after and i was going to be best mate i was like mate you're gonna think i'm mental here but if you do this to your knob, and he was like, mate,

I tried it the other day and it was class. Yeah. How old were you? So you were watching a police crime. No. I can tell you.

You went, fucking hell, this is. Wait, Lewis, how old was your mate? The same age as me. How old was that?

I don't know how old I was. How old were you? How old was your mate? How old was your mate, Lou? I'm not saying that. How old was your mate? How old was your mate, Lou? I'm not saying that. How old was your mate? I know exactly what my first rank was.

I typed in big titted female in YouTube. In YouTube? Did it come up? Yeah, when YouTube... Oh, mate. Really? Yeah. Did it?

Really? Yeah. Did the same thing come up for you as me? Like big titted lesbian females. Big juicy mumbas. Big bubbly bobbins. you as me like lesbian females big juicy mumbas big bubbly bobbins

at that point you just type in the keywords because you don't know what you're searching for so you go lesbian

girl boobs is that what you're into well was it I never knew about I didn't know what porn was

when I was like 12 yeah that's why YouTube one of the older lads at school was like if you go mate I'd type know what porn was when I was like 12. Yeah. That's about YouTube. One of the older lads at school was like, oh, if you go home, mate, I'd type in gay porn.

It's like really funny. Oi, do you remember typing in flaccid? What? What? No, but in science. Surely you must have done that in science. What's this? Like in science,

like when you were learning about science, there's something that was flaccid and everyone's like, let's Google flaccid and you had to Google it but it was just loads of pictures of flaccid cars. Oh, did you have... They gave you access to your computers in science.

Oh, they had computers in science. Yeah, we just sat at our school. We had a couple of computers on the side, yeah. No way. Did you just have the gas things that you let off? Bunsen burners. No, no, the other little gas sockets and you just let them off

and the whole room would smell of gas. What? Yeah, they're like... Is that attempted murder? Yeah. They're like anchored Bunsen burners though, aren, they had the little gas socket and just let them off and the whole room would smell of gas. What? Yeah, they're like... They're like attempted murder. They're like anchored Bunsen burners, though, aren't they? No, you can set fire to them, like... Yeah, they're just gas force. Did you...

Anyways, did you watch My Happy Sunday? No, it wasn't a special school, mate. Oh, mate, so it's like a website you go on and there's this, like, old geezer swinging his knob about. Oh, yeah. But it's a virus. No, it's My Lazy Sunday. Is it?

My Lazy Sunday. What about Meetspin? Me But it's a virus. No, it's my lazy Sunday. Is it? My lazy Sunday. What about meat spin? Meat spin, you spin. Yeah, yeah. You never seen meat spin? I don't know what school it's you that went to. Oh, no, meat spin, right. No, meat spin, right.

My mate coming to school, he was like, right, you need to see this, lads. It's meat spin. And obviously, it's just a guy. He's bouncing on a cock. Yeah, yeah. And then his cock's going round and round and round.

And it counts how many spins you watch. And my mate watched it for that long. it came up going, you are officially gay. How many spins was that? I don't know, I don't know. Like ten? I don't know, I think he was... Oh, there goes the phone. He was wanking, so he doesn't know.

Can you just remember your first wanks? No. I just told you. I actually can't. No, did you discover it naturally I mean or did someone say if you do this

or did you through your evolution just discover it I started without being told I could rub my cock I genuinely can't remember isn't that weird

it must be in like your genetics I do I remember I was like I just remember like being you rained out

no I was stood up being able to come used to be like a huge flex to the 10 people watching while we're doing this don't you really I just remember like being I think I used Are you laying down? No I was stood up Are you able to Are we getting out of the address to the people to the ten people watching while we're doing this?

Don't you really want to just hear the end of my story? Yeah it was this Miley Cyrus stuff So there you are there I am sorry looking at the computer just falling in love

as you do and little did I know for ten minutes of me doing that the lady or the teacher The system No the teacher The lady You know how the teacher The lady supervisor You also called the teacher the system no the teacher the lady you know

how the lady supervisor who you know how the teacher could look at your you could pull up your screen right yeah yeah he has on the big screen for 10 minutes everyone was watching me what what did you have off like was it like images wasn't it yeah that's fine oh that's nothing mate bit embarrassing though what a crazy school experience you had I'm sure all your classmates were like

mad fear what the fuck go on name a crazy school experience you had go on um go on it's gonna be good now

I don't know I can't think you were definitely like a hard case in school like big badass I remember Mooney and a teacher and getting

did you though? That sounds like a bollocks, didn't happen award year. It was like, it was when... Did you just say didn't happen award year? It was like, you know, like one of the helpers. Teacher assistant. Yeah, we used to have like every year,

like a rewards day. So if you... Yeah, you collect like gold stars award. Oh, like 99% attendance award. No, no, it's like if you have less than like gold stars or what oh like 99% attendance award no no it's like if you have less than like 10 detentions or no

isolation everyone goes to like Alton Towers and obviously it's not absolutely bad so it's just normal school then

no less than 10 detentions surely it'd be like more than two you don't go to Alton Towers no it was

you'd have probably this isn't the point of the story who cares do you have school check greenish it was, I don't know. You're the proper raw start. This isn't the point of the story, who cares about the Do you have school check greenish?

It was, so if you had an isolation, you couldn't go, you could only get a certain amount, you could only be naughty a certain amount

and then everyone would go to Thornton Towers. Anyway, so on that day, all the teachers went as well, so the only people

left back are like the naughty kids and then like the helpers, so it's just carnage. Oh, they've got no control.

Were you one of the naughty kids? This isn't even that good of a story, I just moonied an assistant teacher and I said I didn't moon it yet I just had white boxes on

and my trousers fell down and I got away with it did you have a hairy ass back then as well I started getting really hairy you were definitely hairy in primary school I was like 15, 16

no I've always had hairy arms but like chest oh do you remember when everyone started growing armpit hair yeah again that was like that was like a flex at our

school if you had like hair like my legs didn't come through earlier so everyone's like hi you haven't got hair

on your legs I'm like shit have you got pups I remember I remember I was so fucking embarrassed

when I didn't have pubes I was like yeah man it's so shit now what about like one singular armpit hair

you got them yet oh it's like your voice dropping as well mine never happened as well and they're like alright squeaky and like the hard line hard line yeah i definitely used to put on a bit of a

deep one of my uh one of my best uh you sound like it's a story time stories was um about this time where my uh one of my science teachers got uh what's his tenure got removed because he was grooming uh what does that mean what does that His tenure is like where you appeared there to be forever, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, like you're just... Employed. You can't be sacked essentially unless you do something. He's an aunt. Oh, I was a three, I didn't tell you lot this the other day.

I was, um, we was on about learning and driving or whatever and I've got a great story. Learning and driving. About a driving instructor by us called should i say his name no probably not like well then roger well he went to prison so but anyway but basically most my mates went with him like they all liked him got on with him and you'd like practice by us and then he'd take them to wales because there's only like one round he'd take them to wales for the test because it was so easy. How far away is Wales?

Oh, no, yeah, yeah. An hour and a half or something. What? Yeah, to go there.

Everyone would pass. No, no, no. It gets so much better. Then, anyway, it came out like two years later.

He passed because he's got such pretty eyes. Everyone starts like getting messages from people, like the police, being like, would you care to comment

on your time with the driving instructor? And all the lads were like, hey, Sandy. Then all the police being like would you care to comment on your time with the driving instructor and all the lads were like hey son they're like all the girls were like apparently

saying like he's really weird then he gets sent down for like five years like that's pretty heavy for something like that

and then my mate goes yeah I did think it was weird the ones he offered me a free lesson to do it in my boxers

and we were like we went hang on why didn't you ever tell us this not even contemplating the fact he did it he did it

and never mentioned it and the thought of him just sat there in his box having a drive is his name Neil but what else did he do yeah he's literally like

Neil he was like he was like tired I was like we were like you do know you were literally groomed and when the police

asked you about Gary you went yeah he's a great bloke got a free lesson off him and he was literally like yeah but the time

so 20 quid to us at the time so a lot of money you skim 17 yeah he's like I just thought

it was anything else he forgot about he was like yeah you didn't think to mention this when we were all

laughing about it oh yeah he did suck anything that was to do with helping him drive or something I think he think it was to do with like helping him drive or something I think he thought

it was funny he thought but I'll do that to you I'll be like do a stream for 50 quid we've all had that haven't we really

have we what gay experiences no we had a teacher let go because she wanked off her pupil we were talking about

getting groomed as a young man. No, no, I haven't had that. You said. Actually, yeah, no, actually, my old, um. We've all been there. Our McDonald's manager

went to prison for it. Wait, wasn't he your mate or something? My mate's mate, yeah. Who's his boyfriend? He was recording them in the toilets. Doing what?

Is he the one who tells you off on that video where he comes to the toilet? No, no, no. Is that stage? That is stage, yeah. Sorry, guys. recording them in the toilets doing what is he the one who tells you off on that video where no no is that stage that is stage sorry guys no no it's not stage

it's not stage it's just my mate who told me off knew that they were filming so they're like he played up to it he played up to the camera yeah

my TikTok at the minute is full of your video the whole video the rock paper scissors one always comes off hang on go back to this McDonald's

boss story the McDonald's nonce well I don't know if I can really talk about it why not you can just leave it I don't know I think he's out now

so what's he going to come and haunt you he's going to come and bully you yeah he was just noncing my mates female mate

no boys he's gay oh he's just a male noncing boys boys gay but it was like there was always this facebook account for like years and i was like that's obviously like a fake fake account yeah burner account uh turns out it was him doing messaging people yeah but

then he would also just like pick his mates up from from home and take him to work and like oh yeah go for dinners and like i always thought that's a bit weird you see the thing with that is right that that could actually be quite a nice gesture that i'll guarantee people but i've got a weird vibe yeah that's the thing where but now you wouldn't do it would you because you just look fucking weird like i've stopped doing that yeah it's just yeah anyway oh stop twitching my legs I'm only having a laugh I'm on my fifth TikTok account

man I can't afford this have you ever hurt yourself but like it didn't hurt what the fuck does that mean so like have you ever like done something

that you thought oh that that should have hurt that should have hurt every time I'm drunk it doesn't hurt and then it hurts oh mate

you know what in Dublin where I actually jumped over that fence yeah that was stupid by the way you could have got yourself like do you know those videos where they're like over that fence. Yeah. That was stupid by the way. You could have got yourself like, do you know

those videos where they're upside down? The top was actually really sharp. I was actually shit. It was probably a sharp fence I was trying to... I shouldn't have done that.

The bin was just next to it like it was inviting me to... Oh, you climbed on the bin over the thing? Yes, I obviously By the way, you're so lazy you couldn't be asked to walk two minutes

the other way. I didn't know. You'd rather risk your life. The hotel was there. Yeah, but there's a fucking big fence there. And there was this people walking by on the other side of the fence. We got a photo.

I'll put a photo up. But there was this bin. I don't get what you're on about. There was this bin next to the fence that was just obviously said, you must climb over the bin. When you came out of the event centre. I left early. There was a road that went.

We were first. In Dublin. At the Poker Stars road that went uh we were in dublin at the poker stars event yes we're in dublin he went on by this point i was at home by this point yeah we'll talk about why you went home actually yeah i figured that might be brought up yeah but anyway right so uh he very true uh he instead of walking out of the uh entire building slash center he's decided to stay on the road that's actually like inside the gate i was inside the race course i just followed these people in front of me who were just walking as well as like four people and then they carry them walking i said oh they're going their way out it was race course now there was a car in my room there's like there's a race course yeah truck it's very it wasn't a track well i

think it's where they do the dancing stuff yeah it was yeah show jumping and then these people in front of me just got in a car and went back the way they came i was like oh shit and then i saw the hotel they got in the car and you went i'll just carry on now i was shitting itself though because it was they really they were really spiking i had this vision of like my my thigh or my hand yeah i'm getting caught in it yeah and i was really really scared do not advocate this but of like my, my thigh or my hand getting caught in it. And I was really, really scared. Do not advocate this. But as I got to the top,

I was like, fuck, I'm just going to go for it. And I was sliding my foot down a little bit and use my abs and my core. Then I went down. Engage the core. And my foot got stuck in the fence. And you imagine if you'd have been stuck in there hanging upside down all night.

Well, my foot was like up here. And then I tried I'm engaging the core because the fence had gone like that so my foot had like got in the V

so I couldn't rip it out and I yanked and I yanked and then it finally came out and then like two seconds later you were out and you went to the hotel

yeah but my foot was killing me my foot was killing me it was killing me I woke up with a big bruise apart from the fact that Tom actually like broke ligaments in his ankle

you're moaning about climbing a fence. Has he? Nah, it's all right now. He kicked a couple of balls and got bruised. Where did he do that? I showed you my foot, didn't I? No. He played the six-a-side game with, like,

basically a foster plan. Oh, I never knew he was actually... I heard you mention it, but you didn't really. It was really bad. He got it from a Chris M.D. video. All I did was shoot in the holdout, because I don't know what it is. I think it's because I haven was shoot in the holdout because I don't know what it is

I think it's because I haven't played in that long so I'm just not do you have this for the pitch side shoe as well a bit a little bit yeah after a while it does

I think it's just because I don't play anymore or I'm just like we were talking about this the other day you don't even when you did play you wouldn't go and train

for an hour and just boo from a ball machine and like a ball machine that's coming and like a lot of the time at the start these lot were

you thought you got concussion as well this shoe that's a different shoe same idea though I've got bruises on my chest from the James Rodriguez to what

oh no I mean I'm not that much of a fan well I actually got surgery because of football videos so yeah fuck it mate

you leave a Chris MD video and you're fucked tough work innit really tough really tough life really tough job that is but I'm because I'm not used to it

like these were at the start they were flinging balls out from this ball machine dropping from like 50 yards and they were letting it bounce I was just on the full just trying to whack

and then I was like oh fuck and then literally towards the end of the video I was like lads come on fuck it was swollen from literally my whole foot

all the way up there, which was completely, I think it's still a bit black. Oh my God. Mate, what? What the fuck? That's from the- Yeah. It's like you got an indent.

I like all my toes, all my toes are like black as well. Still? Yeah. It's fucked. Get it out. Get the dogs out. The hogs. That is actually, I want to see this

last night anyway bro blackened up bro you just you said bro you've got to blur it though because it's free content

people paid fucking exactly that's what I mean no free content here oh it's gone oh my toes are alright oh no it's alright oh mate they are fucking dogs

you've got like three long hairs on each toe I don't like the hairs on the toes what's going on with that what did you miss oh yeah it is Bruce what did your missus say about your feet I don't like the hairs on the toes what's going on with that what did you miss it

oh yeah it is Bruce what did your missus say about your feet I don't have a missus oh yeah oh fair enough yeah what did your missus

say about your feet she calls them trolls I think for someone who's played football all their lives my feet aren't that bad oh come on mate you're 27 years old

they're well cut the nails at least we didn't play football you're like what do you think you're going to be fine you're not like Ronaldo I've been playing football

for 24 years 23 years pretty much every day I fine you're not like Ronaldo we've been playing football for 24 years 23 years pretty much every day I think they're not bad condition no? fine you're only saying that

because of Ronaldo's photo the biggest toe my feet my toe's bent that's what I mean I've got no like my feet are just they're a bit hairy

my second toe is genuinely like that no they're not even hairy they just have three long hairs on them my like big toe isn't even the biggest toe it's like the one next, they're not even hairy. They just have three long hairs on them. My like big toe is named the biggest toe. It's like the one next to it. They call it the Borden toe.

Yeah, that's quite common. Runs in the family. That's quite common. They call it the Borden toe. Yeah, it's the Borden toe. Runs in the fam. The toedon. Hey guys, I don't want to toot my own horn.

Seen a couple celebrities recently. You look in the mirror, eh? Where did you get that one from? What? Doesn't matter. Who wants to play guess who Theo saw in the last week? I know the answer get that one from? What? Doesn't matter. Who wants to play Guess Who Theo Saw in the last week?

I know the answer. No, you don't know all of them. Alright, well I'll guess. I don't. I don't know the answer. I'll guess one. Okay, the first one I saw We need a clue though.

The first one I saw was on hole four at a golf course and he came up to me and he started talking to me and I didn't know and I didn't hear him so my mate said

he's talking to you and then he said What, mate? Neither of your he's talking to you. And then he said, what, mate? Neither of your mates are from Yorkshire. Yeah, he said to me, all right, mate, where did my ball land?

I've got really bad depth perception. He used those words. He used those words. Can you give me a clue? He needs to know he can give me a clue. And I watched him last night

in the play. I can't remember who it is. And I said to him, I said, ah, I landed green. Did it actually, or were you just seeing that to get rid of him?

I think it landed on green. I'll give you a clue. That's a clue. I said, I watched him last night in the flesh. Did it actually, or were you just saying that to get rid of him? I think it landed on green. I'll give you a clue. That's a clue. I said I watched him last night in the flesh. He's an Arsenal player. No. I thought he said in the flesh.

Yeah. Oh, Alfie Doughty. No. It was during the international break. Carl Morris? Yeah. Oh, what a guess. Well done, mate.

But we couldn't figure out, because he had his hat on and the golfer tie. I thought we weren't talking about football in this podcast. I couldn't figure out who it was for ages. And then we saw him in the clubhouse.

I know, I was going to say do you not need depth perception for his job no you're not saying you know when you recognise a face what were you trying to say

I said I forgot his name but then we saw him in the clubhouse and it was him yeah oh was he out drinking Colton who's the craziest person

you've ever met in the craziest scenario I don't think I have any of the craziest on top of my head in the craziest scenario I don't think I have any on the top of my head the craziest scenario um I was once at a

uh services who um and uh Ek and Sue walked past me is she fit in real life

if I speak I mean oh I I have a similar story but then also but then also two weeks prior saw her in a lift

and I thought fucking hell she's following me oh you're following her she's on so many levels my brother um my brother met uh george bush he came to fishburne what the fuck yeah my dad was defending him as well but dad was technically we were doing his eastbourne thing you i might have told you my dad was technically protecting the president yeah so we had Tony Blair

at the time and his constituency Sedgefield which is the shitty village next to my shitty village and my dad was in the police that's where Tony

Blair um yeah he's not a Geordie yeah so is he a Geordie nah nah just like nah just around Sedgefield area um he's from Sedgefield that was

his constituency I don't know where he's actually from I don't know where he's from he must be I know what that is um so George George Bush comes over and he takes him to Sedgefield? That was his constituency. I don't know how he's actually from. I don't know how he's from. He must be. I know what that is. So George Bush comes over

and he takes him to Sedgefield School. Me brother fucking meets him. He has a picture with him randomly. And then when he came through Fishburn, he got eggs.

Aye. Fair play, mate. The second towel was down. My famous encounter is very similar, actually, is a service station. I saw James May and he was obviously a new car

and he parked at the pump, the wrong side. So you saw James May struggling. A car expert. Aren't you on top gear? Did you see that too? No, no, no. I'd actually loved to bump into him.

It was a school trip, so we just went back on the bus and everyone was like, that's James May! Yeah, I must admit I do try if I see someone I try not to talk to them

unless they're like someone I really like you're so humble man no I just think I don't know it's awkward going up to him I've seen Jesus Gámez in the Metro Centre one

so it's left a lot who the fuck is Jesus Gámez Jesus yeah he signed for us Jesus Gámez he signed for us but he's with his family and his kid

I was like so I just stared at him and walked off who the fuck is that Jesus Jesus Gámez it's Jesus he signed for us but he's with his family and his kid I was like so I just stared at him and walked off Jesus Jesus Gomez Jesus Jesus Gomez

you never like just sometimes you've got to do it though no I know I have I saw Carl Bartley once at Cheltenham when I had a photo with him

Carl Bartley yeah yeah it was about two years ago I had a photo with him but and I have I have asked people for photos

but I mean just like I think more so when I've been to events with you and like there's people there who normally if I saw them i might ask them but then i'm just like it depends on the scenario been the only person i've ever kind of said something to was jay and me at one of the sidemen parties i was like and i literally just said oh bro i love your music and he was like thanks man that was it so humble man you know i know he hates it though as well so

i don't want to go up to him and be like, oh, Jamie! So she just states off. Do what? Bumped into John Cena. Yeah, go on then. Bumped into John Cena, didn't I? Oh, yeah. No, you didn't. No, you were in the same room as him. Oh, no, you did.

You had a selfie with him, no? Just walked in. I walked into something and I just did like, what the hell is this? And I couldn't see anything. Yeah. Nah, I lied. It was at his premiere.

Did you? No, we know know it doesn't work if you immediately and then Samuel L. Jackson walked past I was like fuck I know that's Samuel L. Jackson

what was he there he was in the film oh god I still haven't seen that what was the film oh god oh god who's like the one person

that would make you like fanboy a little bit Ronaldinho Alan Shearer for me who Alan Shearer I've met Alan Shearer yeah

probably Theo's mum that's fair like fat slag Alan Shearer for me Alan Shearer I've met Alan Shearer yeah probably Theo's mum that's fair like fat slag um no Alan Shearer uh Kaka you're just listening to people

that you've met already yeah like if you haven't met and you'd make your like get a little little I would love to actually meet

David Beckham and Ronaldinho oh I'm right now in the same room all together the same time just like I'm going back to David Beckham and Ronaldinho oh I'm running out of the same room all together at the same time just like I got invited to

David Beckham's premiere I'm trying to think if I didn't meet him yeah probably Kuma would be the

football answer or Ricky Gervais I think too scared to say hello no no I said you'd get a bit like nervous

oh right oh I'd definitely go and say well I'd like to think I'd say that. Do you remember the first famous person you ever saw? Fuck me.

You said that. This is the weird thing with London, right? I think mine would have been, I think mine would have been Jamie Redknapp. Really? The Danone Nations Cup. That's cool.

In London, you like walk past like famous people all the time. Like I'm in like the fucking middle of nowhere. There's no one ever comes through our area but here you literally walk you walk through anywhere in London yeah I literally

like I walked the other day and it's like Josh Whitacombe's walking past me yeah oh we saw him when we come back from the shoot

me and Kyle dropped me off we were driving through I don't know where and he was just stood on the side of the road with his missus and I went

no one normally cares UK head freak they don't care though it's like the London based on the side of the road with his missus and I went, no one normally cares. You curly-haired freak! They don't care though. It's like the London based comedians. They're just all about everywhere. I'm pretty sure- How weird is that that you saw him as well? That's fucking crazy, man.

Maybe he's not got a home with him. I'm pretty sure I drove past Adam Peaty earlier. Who's that? The swimmer. GB swimmer, yeah. They were doing like a big castor shoot. Was he in a pool? He was just swimming along the side.

What's like the most awkward time where yous have been like stopped you know what I mean like have you ever had somewhere where it's like oh this is you know what last

night was a bit of a weird one what happened I was sitting waiting for the person that had the tickets to the game where were you sat

club level he was in a box in the concourse two Luton fans come over and they go Reeve mate I really love your stuff.

I've been a fan for a massive time. I'm like, yeah, cool, take a photo. It's all good. This American woman, who's obviously visiting the Emirates for the first time, turns around and goes, I'm so sorry, but who are you? Oh, I hate when people do that.

And I was like, oh, I just, I make YouTube videos. And she's like, YouTube? Yeah. What? I make videos online. So they probably watch them regularly. How did she not know YouTube? Exactly'm doing videos online so they probably watch them regularly

exactly which is already weird anyway two minutes later two minutes later she's taking a photo over her shoulder like this

what the and I'm just sat there and I can see the camera were you pretending not to see it or did you look at it were you pretending as if you didn't know

no I knew it was there but obviously I didn't give her the satisfaction she's probably going to send that to her kids, like, look at this YouTuber. This is what I mean. Yeah, yeah.

I'm very good at that. Nothing annoys me more than when someone's like, I don't even know who you are. And I'm like, I don't know who you are? What the fuck? What is this?

You're just going up to random people and going, I don't know who you are. I can't believe he says that. So when someone has a photo with you, they're like, I don't even know who you are that's a fence

yeah you better know who I am excuse me fucking he gets up on his social it's in my bio

I actually go up to people asking if they want pictures right now he actually did you know he actually did

no no I'll save enough for pictures later on to answer your question mine would be having a piss

like it's so weird when people talk to you when you're having a piss in the toilet when they start when they follow you into the toilet after they've wanked you off as well it's just great you've had your fun people that follow you into toilets they're the weirdest surely by now i don't think i've had that oh i've definitely had have you oh i once had where they think they're sneaky because the

only thing that you don't know is i'm like i know you've just walked in i actually have a good story about that i actually had my first ever panic attack because of that. Oh, good time. Oh, people following you in, you mean? It was all a bit much in Bournemouth. It was only the last couple of years ago. I was in Bournemouth at a club and I was like,

fuck, I shouldn't be here really. Student club. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I want to register. I was like, fucking it, get out of here. I went to the toilet

and then... Is this within one mile of a school? You know, in between, they start filming over the toilet and all these cameras coming over the toilet oh no

yeah and I'm not even going to the toilet I'm sat there like and everyone's like filming and I'm like oh fucking hell and I'm a drunk

I thought my world was caving in yeah you do no it does make you it does make you a bit anxious yeah then I ran out crying when you

and then the people at the club had to hide me away that is that's embarrassing no but i had to hide me away because you got out of hand no that's embarrassing but i was having a panic attack same time no that's embarrassing first time for everything though eh yeah come on man and the last one is that the last one you've had no you literally have you're a fella's part you're a private part you know what party yeah that was the start what is it that was the start of a downward spiral

what's that like is it just like you can't breathe no you know what it is it's so funny because I always thought yeah it sounds

I'm explaining because I've never had one it sounds really I always thought like this is very like bad to say but I was like fuck man

just put yourself together yeah yeah yeah how have you ever like what's wrong with you just breathe normally yeah oh you can't oh you can't so is it like you Just breathe normally Yeah Oh you can't Oh you can't

So is it like short breath So you're like You can't breathe It's like you're dying And then is it like I'm guessing No matter what you do You're just making it worse

You make it worse Yeah yeah yeah Can you feel it like Settling in You're like shit it's coming Like an orgasm You know what I mean Where you can feel the needle

You have to like Grab a breath And it's impossible Yeah So hard And you can feel And also you can feel it coming. How do you come out of one then? How do you ever end one?

20 minutes later? 20 minutes? Fuck me. And you just go, fucking hell, I'll be done in 15, 20 minutes each time. I'm saying there's obviously a structure of how you eventually come out of one. You can't just be...

Pass out. Half a ventilator. No, you just eventually come and someone will be there like it's a cause of drinking as well or like definitely was because of drinking yeah but also sometimes not will that not chill you out a bit like you know because a lot of people get emotional when they get drinking don't they so it's easier to come from confront oh what you call no no as in like you know when there's loads of people around you and fans you know that know who you are i feel like when you're drunk it's quite oh yeah that's that's yeah but there's the right the right level and there's a bad level some people react differently to alcohol

anyway i don't know like yeah depends what kind of personality you have i think i was also loud i was that was also like a few months you get really loving so it's a bit that's true that's a few months after surgery so it's a bit like in the bin for a while. Yeah. I'm doing great now, guys. Thanks for asking. I actually am doing fantastic. Did you give our things on there? Yeah, we had an over and under. I've got it here, guys.

I've got it here. Let's do the over and underrated section. What would it cost? Okay, yeah, okay. Do you want to do that? What would it cost for you to quit pitch side? Okay, that's not what I was... We were talking about this in the office the other day, right?

I don't think I would. I'm close to it. So, like, the amount... It is, because it's kind of fun, isn't it? Oh, yeah. So, what else are you going to do? I don't think I would. I'm close to it. So like the amount. It is because it's kind of fun, isn't it? Oh yeah. So what else are you going to do? I don't think. A lot.

Yeah, a lot. Yeah, I feel like for you, yous have a lot more going on than me. This pitch side would sit me real. If someone gave me like £10 million, I'd still do pitch side. I think. I said a million quid.

It's like live golf though, isn't it? They all got hundreds of meals to play golf. And they're still pretty good at it. I'm just on aid. It's like live golf though, isn't it? They all got hundreds of mils to play golf. I'm just going to yacht in the middle of the bowl. Actually, yeah, I suppose there is a number, maybe 50 mil. No, no, no. 50 million quid to leave this? So if someone offered you a million,

you wouldn't leave? I'd leave the UK for 50 mil. Never mind for the countryside. No, I think if I had a mil I'd still do it it's only a mil I mean a mil's a lot of money

it's only a mil this guy's got a touch of reality over or underrated a segment we've done on mid-side lockdown underrated

lockdown was class lockdown one was lockdown one was class lockdown two was shit also do you not

remember the weather it was just boiling hot every day it was so hot it was so fucking it was legit unreal Lockdown 1 was class. Lockdown 2 was shit. Also, do you not remember the weather? It was just boiling hot every day. It was so hot. It was so fucking good. It was legit unreal. I ran a 5K, went on a bike. And then do you remember the next summer, when we were allowed out, it was fucking...

Mate, I was a key worker, so I could get about. Keep you up as your toilet roll. Yeah. Who did that? My job at the time had me as key worker. I was keeping morale high on the radio so I could drive about. Go you, Lou. Yeah, man. Wait, was there a lockdown in Bahrain? No, I was in Bahrain. I was keeping morale high on the radio so I could drive about go you Lou was there lockdown in Bahrain

I was in Bahrain I was up north at that point for you yeah so I was driving about the roads were caught

immediately you were smashing down the roads it was unreal it was actually sick and then I realised that the area that I lived in

I thought clapping them was so patronising and disrespectful if I'm honest well the hospital was so far away they probably wouldn't have heard

of it anyway. We did it. We clapped, the government are like, let's clap for them. Why don't you fucking pay them? Yeah, I agree with that one. Yeah, that's true, but also, do you not think, like, it was a pretty dark time, just trying to have a bit of positivity. We used to play Last Clap with you, mate, up the road. Nah, let's make everyone depressed.

Last Clap! Yeah, we used to be Last Clap, so everyone went in and we're still going, Nah, that's taking a piss. up the road. Nah, just a bit of fun. How old are you, mate? You've lost Lewis your turn to put the

bins out I think you should can't you just play a board game or something not when you're in fucking separate locations what's fucking do you remember like

quarantine radio Tory Lanez yeah oh so funny yeah that was brilliant do you remember your birthday I do remember my

birthday mate are you sure you remember it yeah of course I remember it how did we get hold of mood number two I do remember my birthday, man. Are you sure you remember it? Yeah, of course I remember it. What did you do on lockdown? How did we get hold of... It was pretty carnage on his birthday.

He played Pin the Donkey. Do you remember Jackbox in lockdown? What's that? Jackbox? Houseparty. Similar. Jackbox. Oh, that's... Yeah, similar to Houseparty.

Houseparty was class. Very similar, but it was like online and it's the most outrageous thing that I've ever played yeah it was pretty outrageous because it was like draw you have to like

give someone to draw and then you have to do a draw of something different to what they yeah that's crazy that's fucking class send me a link

yeah we used to just play COD and drink Disarano oh that was the best thing Warzone you did 16 hours on COD 11 gold guns yeah we used to just play cod and drink Disarano that was the best thing war zone you woke up you did 16 hours

on cod 11 gold guns and then went back to bed Friday night everyone was on like 10 of us Sea of Thieves just playing a bit of music

with the lads no not Sea of Thieves 4 in the morning play some music it's relaxing Disarano we did speed runs

of pro clubs yeah to like Div 1 we played a war zone and just drank recorder licks yeah it was class We did speed runs of pro clubs. Yeah. To like, dip one. We played a war zone and just drank recorder licks. Yeah. Yeah,

it was class. Whoa, recorder licks. It's out of him for drinking some of this. Yeah, but think about it. It's a nice,

hot, sunny day. You've got a cider in one hand. So every time that I've drank then, really. I was on the Coronas because, you know,

keep it on. Yeah, yeah. So lockdown was underrated. Extension leads. I mean, I think, I think. one of them shit pog. Like, what the fuck is that? Man, you know keep it on the ground so lockdown was underrated extension leads I mean I think we just bought

one of them shit pog I'm like what the fuck is that man well these are serious matters

they're becoming overrated do you reckon how often do you use extension leads we could have used one today though

I have about seven in like my bedroom alone do you think you could survive without an extension lead no way

no way I don't use one in my life most houses now come with so many plugs. Yeah. No, I need extension leads for everything. I plug in everything.

I feel like the main... No, extension leads are very, very helpful for like builders and stuff or like people who are working. The mainstream are starting to over-rate them, essentially. Yeah, basically. Yeah, they do a job,

but they're becoming overrated. I took creatine. I'm on my creatine loading phase again, so I need a wee like every 10 minutes. Okay. Maths. Underrated. Underrated the fuck. I took creatine I'm on my creatine loading phase again so I need a wee like every 10 minutes cheers maths underrated underrated the fuck

society doesn't exist without maths underrated yeah can't overrate maths people complaining about shit in school right where they're like oh why are you

teaching me algebra just because like you're a thick cunt doesn't mean like the other person next year is because if you didn't have algebra

we wouldn't have all the shit going on what in the sky same with like what is all the shit going on what in the sky same with like what's it was it it's a sine wave in the sky same with like

pythagoras it's like oh wait when will I need pythagoras you're thick so you don't need it I'm thick I don't need it but the builder guy who builds your house

needs pythagoras they have a point though on real when's the last time you've actually used algebra in real life outside of school but they can't

fucking educate if we didn't teach algebra... You are also a mathematician or a scientist, they probably say every day. Correct, but Lewis Bowden. You can't... You don't filter down to the bottom denominator of thick bastards.

You should filter to the top people. The majority of society are, though. No, it's the same as taxes. Why didn't you teach us taxes? If you had a taxes lesson at school, would you fuck listen? You know the reason why they don't do that is because so we suffer

through life for the rest of it and then they get more money as a government. No, but you would... If they teach people how tax works as a child, we'll obviously be more equipped for tax.

But would you listen in that lesson? Mate, I was fucking binging off in science when I'm learning about like evolution and stuff and us coming from monkeys and I'm going to be

paying attention in a taxes lesson. This tells me a lot. Nah, mate, you're not listening to a tax lesson. You still are a chimp. Yeah. You can't agree with that.

Look, we've just seen your fucking legs. You're a chimp. You are literally 80% hair. But you are like, you're still in like, you're more chimp than human. I haven't evolved to the next age.

You know, in the evolution path. You know, your brain has a chimp and a... What is this? I mean, you're paraphrasing the book. It's not.

No, let it go. Let it go. No, hear me out. Hear me out. Your brain... In your brain, you have a chimp and you have a human. And every day in your life, your brain is deciding whether I go down the chimp route

or the human route. That's not true. Not exactly what the book... So right now, I whether I go down the chimp route or the human route that's not true not exactly what the fuck so right now I might be going down the chimp route because I don't really understand myself

what the fuck are you talking about that's how it works that's what you're talking about basically means like your primitive desires are controlled by like wanking

a chimp in your yeah I suppose so like you see boobs you want boobies so that's why we discovered it by ourselves naturally yeah you get a boner watching hot women

or men what about like the random boners like when we're we're calling pitchfork that's also an actual yeah how many random boners do you get a day really

would you say I don't count them but maybe less often now I'll have like one or two did you used to get like soggy pants at school no

no what does that mean I always put it like I can handle not say and no for a fact I've never ever had a wet dream

or anything like that mate I want one I've came close never when I was younger how do you get over the line I can feel in the dream right sorry

nah I can feel in the dream right sorry how do I spunk myself in real life when in my brain in my brain I'm trouble I beg your pardon nah I've had dreams where like lucid dreams like do you know where you can control what you're doing yeah that's true so like I've had lucid in real life when in my brain I'm trouble.

Nah, I've had dreams where like lucid dreams, like do you know where you can control what you're doing? So like I've had lucid sex dreams, which are class. Cause like you just- I've never had that. No mate, it's class. I have, and they're unreal. Yeah, it's unreal.

As soon as I'm getting to like the good bit, it's like my body won't allow me. When did you last have one Lewis? When did you last have one? The other day, literally. Oh really, and who was it over? It was, I can't remember the piece. You are meant to...

Your first answer should be, my girlfriend. Me last? No, but it's literally... No, but it never is because you can do that in real life. Literally, you're in the dream and you might be with someone in the dream.

It's like, right, I'm just going to shag them now and then that's where the dream goes. So you're cheating on your missus in your head. You've never... It's not cheating. You've never actually managed

to go through with it? Nah. No, I'm there I'm doing it I'm like why is this not working hang on Lewis if your missus

told you that she had a sex dream about another bloke how do you feel about that it's a disgrace also for you it's fine also so

is your brain basically telling you that you are cheating because your brain's in control of that dream your brain is actually telling you that you're a chick

yeah I'm like you're a dirty teen no no look I'm in a dream. And you've just turned around and said, I can't fucking finish. Do you know what? Right now, all you're doing is digging yourself a hole.

No, I swear to God. Is this going to make the podcast? Teens underrated. I swear to God, I've had these dreams. I've had... That wasn't one of the topics. I've had these dreams where I felt guilty, though, in the dream.

I'm like, oh, this is so bad. I've got to wake up now. And then I wake up and I'm like, this is so I've got to wake up now and then I'm like I wake up and I'm like thank fuck I get like a big bit of relief and there's a load of spunk on your mattress

he's got to clean up I wish man I could never get there also Lewis why have you written on this crappy little brief I'm really confused I've never ever

ever had anything like that not a sex dream you've got so much going on in your actual life yeah maybe you're not horny enough it's not even like a lucid dream you just get too much you just get too much

gas I've had so many lucid dreams where I've dreamt like I'm a superhero yeah and I fly and do cool shit like that

yeah my dreams I don't even remember any of them no I don't remember but I do remember one I had a recurring dream like growing up

what was that that I was in year three shit my pants no no I couldn't work out what it meant I still can't

if you are a dream analyser let me know I was in year three I was in year three all the comments is like I know I could

I was in I was in year three and I suddenly saw all these no because it sounds like come on come on no because it sounds like I'm... Go on, go on, go on.

It sounds like I'm making it up, but I promise you this is... Anything happens in dreams. It was like these ninja monkeys, like tiny little ninja monkeys, like coming to attack the car. But I was the only one who could see them. So I was trying to...

I really want a dream analyser. So you were on acid. I was the only one who could see them. so i was trying to i really wanted to re-analyze it you were on acid i was the only one who could see them i said fuck i've got to start fighting all these ninja monkeys they're just so we are it's like why is he like fighting the air force i just fucking begged it what you left and then i was running i could tell you what that was i was running i was running and then i was running and then the ninja monkeys were like running after me and i know exactly the road the route from my secondary my primary school to my house i know the route and i knew and on this corner when i was approaching the main road that's when i stopped running i couldn't run any further so i was like running but i can't run i could never run in my dream i could never run i

got to this point i could never i could I was like, fuck, they're coming. And then snap, then snap, then snap, I'm at the top of my stairs. What? And I'm flying down the stairs. Carry on,

carry on. Yeah, keep going, keep going. That's the end of the dream. That's it. So we've got to work out, you've been chased by invisible ninja monkeys on the front of the home.

How do you know, yeah, did they have headbands on? Yeah. And swords on their back. They're dressed like ninjas. So like samurais. you've been chased by invisible ninja monkey on the front of home how do you know yeah did they have headbands on yeah and swords on their back they're dressed like ninjas so like samurais what does a ninja dress like

I've never heard of it like black robe headband they had the whole kit on yeah those monkeys yeah tiny little things aren't ninjas Japanese

they're Japanese ninja monkeys yeah yeah why not I don't feel like they have that has a meaning surely were they small or like they're tiny like

like well like really like, surely. Were they small or like... They're tiny. Like how... Like... Well, like really... Like sea monkeys? Yeah. Were they running or were they like climbing? No, they're like all over the ceiling. Were they running a lot all fours?

Oh, shit. Shit, the ninja monkeys. What, monkeys don't run? They're going all fours? Yeah, they're all over the ceiling. That's what I'm saying. On the ceiling? Yeah, but they were invisible as well.

How could they be on the ceiling outside? No, inside. They got inside the building. Yeah, but then they chased you home. In my classroom. You're in my classroom you said the chair but i go from being in there to now i'm suddenly running there's no like yeah i'm just there you don't look back and see them running like i know that i don't know how i can i just know that so it's a bit like you know how in your dream it's never first person. It's always third person, right? That's not true.

What? You're saying to yourself, what are you on about? That's the weirdest thing about that whole story. Wait, no, no, that can't be, no, I meant the other way around.

First person. Yeah, yeah, so you can see. And third person too. Fuck. You don't view your dream like you're looking on TV.

Yeah, so you watch a film. Yeah, so then I was just at the top of my stairs. I was flying down the stairs. What do you mean flying? Like this? I think that has pretty much no meaning other than

it's got to be a meaning behind it if you're a dream you're running away when did you say you had this dream my whole life it's recurring

but I haven't had it for years it's a metaphor for you running away from you my problems no you want to get bummed by loads of

monkeys but you keep running away from them. But then I've stopped running, so I'm like, fuck. He's like, oh, go on then. No, I can't do this. But I haven't had that in years, but I remember it. That's crazy that you can, there's one dream. Yeah, because I had it so many times.

That's so weird. I had it so many times. If it's recurring, then it obviously does actually mean something. Yeah, run away from... Ninja monkeys. My problems. if it's recurring then it obviously does actually mean something yeah but run away from ninja monkeys my problems I don't I think you're no that can't

that's not the meaning there has to be a meaning behind it if you're a dream meaning person then dissect that I don't really have anything like that

I had Michael Jackson killers in my dream and that's like I woke up crying what do you mean by that what do you mean by that essentially if you saw I swear you can't be killed

in your dream nah nah he got me good wait Inception's a fucking load of shit nah nah What do you mean by that? What do you mean by that? Essentially, if you saw... I swear you can't be killed in your dream. Nah, nah, he got me good. Wait, Inception's a fucking load of shit then. Nah, nah, if you saw him in my dream moonwalking across the zebra crossing... He's going, Shabam! No, no, no, I swear that was it.

If you saw him, you knew you were next. And I've seen him... He's moonwalking towards me! Mate, it could If you saw him, you knew you were next. And I've seen him. It's real walking towards me. Mate, it could have been a film this. And then I was in my dad's office and I seen him. So I'm like,

shit, he's coming for me. And I seen him down, down at the bottom by the pasta bar. And I was like, shit, he's coming.

And then he comes, knocks on the door, knocks open it. And then he goes from white. He just, he leans. He transforms from white, like to black. He goes back in. He just, he leans. He leans forward. He transforms from white, like, to black. He goes back in time.

Yeah, he goes back how he was. Yeah, it's sort of like right in front of me. I'm like, what the fuck? And then, yeah, he killed me. He goes, don't be afraid, little boy. I'm just going to bum you. No, no, no. Two dreams that he's inferred.

It's like fucking getting bummed. I think it's just because. Bummed sorry fucking getting bummed bummed by ninja monkeys and bummed by Michael Jackson right basically my common

dream is I play football all the time and he wanted to bum me he's going to get bummed on a football pitch

I think the reason I don't have big dreams is because I'm always woken up by my dad bumming me I don't really dream now

and now yeah now you live your dream now I don't live with my dad I just have dreams of that so good time what happens in the end

like does he bum not just checking What happens in the end? Does he bum? No. It's like, yeah, just Tevin's and me getting bummed, essentially. And then it's all... Wait, you actually do get bummed?

I thought he kills you. No, I get bummed first and then... What? I'm joking, I'm joking. No, I woke up crying and it's bad because I remember

my brothers coming round and I'm like... Get it? What happened, Lewis? Why are you crying? Yeah, and I told's bad because I remember my brothers coming around and like it's bad get it what happened Lewis why are you crying yeah and I told them and like my mum told my brothers so they're all laughing

out beside my room and I'm like mum you didn't tell them did you say no no and she's like trying to keep her laughing it's such a bad dream she's like

was it a thriller oh god oh god on that note we should probably end it yeah you'll cut it there why not

yeah that lasted way too long I don't know how long was that longer than we think yeah waterside to the top up the waterside

right guys if you want to see another episode let us know yeah if you don't just also let us know yeah we don't really know how do we sign off

yeah we don't really know if we're going to be doing I feel like that had no structure at all we just spoke about bumming that's what podcasts are yeah well you spoke about bumming. That's what podcasts are. Yeah. Well, you spoke about bumming and everyone just started chatting about it. Yeah.

Yeah. Let us know if you want to see more non-football content and if what we should do. And whether or not we can go a full 40 minutes without mentioning the word bumming. I quit if that's the case. Nice. Bye. Bye. You made it to the end.

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