Back Side - 4: My **** Doesn't Work! Tom’s Big Secret EXPOSED & Misfit Fights!?

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

Theo forces the boys to eat banana's and mints. The lads make their top 10 things to do before they die and which of them will be having a Misfits boxing fight!?If you'd like to work with us, email the studio on [e-mail] by The Fellas Studios: https://fellasstudios.com/podcastsTheo:https://youtube.com/c/HiMalfoyhttps://youtube.com/c/TheoBakerVlogsOllie:https://youtube.com/c/reevhttps://youtube.com/c/OllieFletcherTom Garratt:https://www.youtube.com/@TomGarratt10 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to a new episode of Backside with me, Reeve, Theo Baker, Tom Garrett and Lewis Bowden. If you haven't already hit follow, why not tap it right now for new episodes every week. And if you want to see more Backside, catch us on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram, where all you have to do is search Backside. Let's get into it. Oh, I'll come with breaking news. Hang on, we haven't started yet. I'd want to all to know one thing. I just had one of those white chocolate oreo bars

it's always food every episode's been stout food yeah banging we haven't started we haven't started it's recorded actually we were talking about it

oh that's fine we haven't started you just said you had one I only eat my protein I've got chlamydia what did you say? I don't really you've broken that on behalf of Lewis

Lewis mate it's fine have you ever had it yeah have you yeah oh shit well I haven't I think a lot of people have had shit

when we was in college we had a competition so you could get it first that's a great competition did everyone clap hey that is actually a common myth it competition did everyone clap hey that is actually a common myth

it's not called clap the clap is gonorrhoea which is gone forever yeah but everyone thinks the clap is I thought it was gone forever

AIDS no the other one herpes herpes lasts forever but that could be like it comes and goes I actually have the first ones

I have herpes it's the same as I have herpes if I've ever had a It's the same as... I have herpes. If I've ever had a cold sore, you have herpes for life. That's herpes? Yeah, that's mouth herpes. If you've ever had a cold sore,

that's herpes. But like, have I ever had a cold sore? Cold sore. Cold sore. Cold sore. Cold sore. Cold sore.

Not cold sore. Herpes is quite a chill one, isn't it? Because like, apparently the first time... Just to clarify, I've not got general herpes. I've just got the cold sore.

It doesn't matter either way. But I thought... Yeah, but that would look rough, wouldn't it? No, no. In my head, I've not got general herpes. I've just got the cold. It doesn't matter either way. Yeah, but that would look rough, wouldn't it? No, no, in my head I thought herpes was... I don't think they look the same. Oh, okay. No, in my head I thought herpes was terrible, but it's like... It's not that bad. I thought it was there forever, like boils, but it's not.

No, it tastes like a wheat to get rid of. Boil, yeah. It just comes and goes. It flares up, mate. It's exactly the same as a cold, so it comes and goes sometimes. I sometimes get it from kissing your mum. I'm actually rather gentle herpes than mouth herpes. Gentle herpes.

Gentle. Very nice. Very nice. Yeah, because like... Do you know what? I actually think I agree. I could hide my knob. What?

Yeah, and then you could just not have sex for like a week. Yeah, I'll take a week off. No, I'll just have a lad. All right, babe, not feeling it tonight. What's your break thing, mate? Walking around with thingy it's very exciting breaking news

backside has officially got a celebrity super fan and I want you to guess who you think it is Cal Freezy

are we venturing beyond the walls of these studios is it Anne Hathaway she loves backside

and Leandro Trussard each person can lock in one guest the closest who's been on Anne Hathaway loves Tr loves pitch, backside and Leandro Trostard. Each person can lock in one guest. The closest wins. Who's been on? Can we get a clue? Anne Hathaway loves Trostard. It is a female.

Female. Anne Hathaway. So pitch side is primarily male. Backside, ironically, has ventured off into the females. I don't know who it is. It's Grace. It's Grace. No.

VK Barry. No, come on. I just asked you if it's Beyond the Walls of these studios. That's not a celebrity. She's already part of it. Is it a celebrity or is it a YouTuber? It's Chris. Oh, brilliant.

Wow, that's exciting. She said she thinks it's fucking hilarious and I think it's because of your in it. Well, yeah, man. You know, your history. It's pearly blue eyes. You got in the doghouse, didn't you, after the last episode? Why?

Last episode he came out with his love for his girlfriend. Oh yeah, no, but all the comments were, oh, Tom's in the doghouse. Oh, I didn't watch it,

why? Why would I be in the doghouse? I don't think he said, he said that about me, but I actually was in the doghouse after what I said about Charlie. Because you said like, you loved her and shit.

You mean you don't do what Lewis does and watches every single minute back? I don't know. I have to watch it like five times or, I have to watch it. What did I say? What did I say that would put me in the doghouse

I don't think I think he just said yeah I like her he was quite wholesome oh so does she like you even more now I don't think she's watched

I don't know can we get can we get an update um I don't know go and update how he's doing he's just

it's exactly the same time for another update it's good it's going good. Why are you in the doghouse, Lou? No, because remember on the first episode,

I was like talking about shagging people in my dreams. Yeah. Apparently that's like... Cheating on your girlfriend in your dreams. Apparently don't like just talk about that.

Yeah, maybe not. Touch your subject. I thought it was fine. I'm actually... Do you know what? I can say whatever the fuck I want on here. Yeah, Moink and fucking Oldie.

My girlfriend will never ever watch this. She thinks it's shit. So I'm an open forum on this, man. I think mine actually does. Mine what? Girlfriend. Now, do you know what she said to us?

She was like, nah, because that means that you want to have sex. I was like, well, yeah. You do? As males? Yeah, with you, but like. nah because that means that you want to have sex I was like well yeah you do as males yeah with you

but like do you know what I want to say to this episode right here we need to make sure it's good because at this point we've fallen off

why what do you mean because it's episode 4 by the time this comes out right and I predict we have fallen off by then you're like a

what do you mean do you know what you are you're a woman what do you mean fallen off by that i tell you what i mean we need to have a good episode right it's almost like he's planning fun and as men what i found is that a lot of men don't plan fun they just just do fun, right? They say, oh, we should do it. Whereas for a lot of women out there, they have to plan fun. Yeah, because the anticipation of doing something actually creates more dopamine than doing it itself. Huh?

Because they're fucking annoying. Or that one. Or that, yeah, why not? Not that, Thomas. But it is quite interesting how we just do and they plan yeah Charlie just gets stressed out with my want to

actually not plan I have to be here planning because like what if I change my mind I have to I'm now sold into this also I don't know

if next Wednesday I want to come out yeah sorry I probably will he did that a long while ago right I always I find there's like

there must be a plan for the weekend I'm like my best nights are always like last minute let's do this and then let's just

see where it takes us it's fucking crazy one minute you're in Tenerife I was like oh actually yeah speaking of which

you're going back to Tenerife aren't you I am going back to Tenerife this weekend and if you don't recreate if you don't wank someone off

you've had a shit holiday. I don't know how, like, is this with the original wankies? Get him in the hotel room. Get him in the hotel room. There's only one person on the stag do

who was on the holiday. Are you in the same room? No, I've literally booked last minute, so I've got my own room. Mate, you have to make a TikTok of like,

like for part two, and like you're all standing there with your mates. Eight years on. That'll bang. Yeah. And then actually do it. Look, just finish him off this time.

Just send it to me. Yeah, if you don't go all the way to completion, it's pointless recreating it, really, isn't it? I might do... With your math round. Sequels are never as good either. That's not true. That's just not true.

It is. Avengers Endgame is better than Avengers 1 I actually think it's more it would bang more on Twitter if I just post a picture of my location yeah that's what I'm saying

some fucking party going on there man we got Tom on find my friends wank my friends okay I know what you're all eagerly anticipating. No.

My updated dream diary. Okay, go on. Yeah. Theo's got a dream and he's going to tell us. Oh, what the hell? That was right at the back of the throat, wasn't it? What happened there? I'll give you a pair of bad news.

I've dreamt once this week. Is that it? Yeah. Well, spoilers, man. You're supposed to run us through and build the idea. Monday, no dream. I didn't dream. I'll be fair with bad news I've dreamt once this week Is that it? Yeah Well spoilers man You're supposed to run us through And build the idea Monday no dream Tuesday no dream

Yeah And then you'd be weird Like oh Wednesday no dream Thursday realised I do have a dream Tuesday no dream Wednesday no dream

Thursday no dream Friday no dream Saturday no dream Sounds like the world's Shittiest Martin Luther King That's crazy that you actually Like logged every day You didn't have one as well You care about this show Quite a lot Well I always find it sad and a dream sounds like the world's shittiest Martin Luther King that's crazy that you actually like logged every day you didn't

have one as well you care about this show quite a lot well I always find it probably too much but then also I will say Monday I had a dream

woah woah where have I heard that before I couldn't remember the dream but all I could remember about the dream was I was in a house can't

mate imagine if Martin Luther King said that I heard a dream I heard a dream I can't remember it right now but I can remember a house can't mate imagine if Martin Luther King said that I heard a dream I heard a dream I'm from it right now but I can't remember I can't fucking remember it so the Sunday night dream

because he was from Leeds it is a bit sad I can't lie I'm not fucking leaving but I was basically like looking at the Premier League table

oh fucking hell man we said no football yeah and it showed Arsenal were 10 points behind everyone so we were on 72 and everyone was on 82

but in my head like I was adamant like we were still like level that is also you know what's mental it's crazy people

think that you contribute to this show anyway and also last night I was you got bummed 82 times I was night talking you were night talking

sleep talking sleep talking sorry I'm so tired apparently I was like talking. You were night talking? Sleep talking. Sleep talking, sorry. I'm so tired. Apparently I was like making like paragraphs and shit. Paragraphs?

Who's confirmed this? Jodie. She was just a poor girl. She's fucking sat awake and you're going 72 pints

coincidentally and get 82 pints. How can you talk in a paragraph? I wasn't saying one thing I was saying like multiple sentences. And what did she say that you were saying

I can't remember fucking hell what is the point of that you're both going no it's only 20 minutes I'm playing I can't sleep

but normally when you sleep you sleep alright did you yeah no great night sleep doesn't normally make sense yeah I went to the

you don't really talk that's not true yeah I used to shout my sister's name sorry fucking name off have you ever woke up like laughing no i've been woke up crying i've woke up crying i've had dreams that are so bad where like somebody's someone else has died in the dream that i've had a dream

where yeah my deceased granddad was playing with the first what no no the first the first dog i had who's now passed away as well. They're both in heaven somewhere, Daisy. And they're both playing together. And I woke up and I was like, oh, that's really emotional. Yeah, no, it fucks you up for the morning, for the morning like that.

That felt real. Why are you laughing at that, man? I'm trying to be vulnerable on the show and you're just fucking giggling away. It's like that dog day. And then when, oh. Dog. Oh.

Dog, he's dead. Oh, you got bubble gum for me. If you told me, I'd want you to also have a smint. Yeah, so if you're listening to this, Theo's giving everyone a smint. I want you to suck on the smint. Oh, we released this on Spotify as well? Yeah. Yeah.

It's just YouTube. So basically, audio listeners just hearing us going... Oh, I need to have one as well. I wonder why you have to do this. Because you don't want to just bite on a smint, do you? You want to chew it. No, I want my bubblegum fix like a nice minty mouth

open the banana then if you're confused about this last episode Theo cleared that we don't need to I don't think we need to reference every episode no because a lot of people

are due okay well they don't know what this is Theo thinks a mint and a banana together tastes like bubblegum no no no not tastes like

is the bubblegum flavour very big difference yeah it's similar no he thinks the bubblegum flavour. Very big difference. It's similar. No, he thinks the bubblegum flavour is mint and banana. So.

And they, for marketing purposes, they thought it'd be easier to market it as bubblegum instead of mint banana. Also, why do I have to eat a whole

banana for this to work? Well, healthy. This is the stupidest podcast ever. So, I got everyone a smint and a banana.

Yeah, work that one out. Am I supposed to be buying this? ever. So, I got everyone a smint and a banana. Yeah, I worked that one out. Am I supposed to be buying this? No. So, how are we doing it then? Do you eat it and then... That's why I gave you the smint now, is because... You're not supposed to eat that yet.

You're not supposed to do that yet. You're not supposed to eat it yet. Do you have to let the mint come in? You have to mint your mouth out first. It is. I've just barely got anything left. Yeah, what? Mints take like 20 minutes to dissolve.

So, we're going to do this in 20 minutes. Right, so fucking hell, we can't talk about anything else to move. So we're going to do this in 20 minutes time. We can't talk about anything else to move on. And we just reference back. That's not the best way to do it. He's opened his banana upside down. That actually is a scientific way to do it, right? That's the best way to do it.

You actually get to eat the bottom, which is horrible. You get to eat that end bit. Take that bit off. What are you doing with that? But now you got wasted. That's a great throw. Fucking hell. That was a proper splat as well. Right, so I'm going to go in first,

cause I'm- Shut up Banana Ed. Fight the mint. Oi, Banana Ed, shut up Banana Boy. Oi, shut up Banana, Banana Ed. Bite the mint. Oi, Banana Ed. Shut up, Banana Boy. Oi, shut up, Banana Boy. Get rid of the mint. Why? How can you have a mint and a banana?

I'm going to chew this. That's the whole point of the fucking flavour! He's saying, how can you have a mint and a banana together? You told us to! He's done it, he's done it. Go for it, lads. That is not bubble gum in remotely close at all. It is.

Do you know what it tastes like? It tastes like I've eaten a banana after I've had a mint. So horrible then. Do you like when you've had orange toothpaste? It's like eating a banana after toothpaste. I've just brushed my teeth and now I'll... Let me get into it. You haven't brushed your teeth, mate. That is not bubble gum at all.

You're an idiot. Even he doesn't think it now. He's convinced himself and it just doesn't exist. You're an idiot. How is that even think it now. He's convinced himself and it just doesn't exist. You're an idiot. How is that even... Why are we entertaining these idiotic fucking suggestions, man? We've all just... Because we're out of ideas of content. We've resorted to believing this guy's nonsense.

I think you have to have the banana like 10 minutes after you're smitten. Oh, sure. Okay, let me go. think you have to have the banana like 10 minutes after you're smitten. Oh, sure. Okay, let me go. Have you not tried it yet? Whoa, how did that happen? Fucking. It's not, is it? What?

The stupidest thing I've ever heard. Just passed out a banana. That is, this actually, I'm not even taking this. That is the stupidest thing. Shock, shock. Ever. I'll tell you what, you said some things in your time. I've never heard anything as ridiculous as that. That's not even taking this that is the stupidest shock shock ever i'll tell you what you said some things in your time i've never heard anything as ridiculous as that that's not even close i knew it would be bollocks but a tiny tiny part of me thought maybe yeah there's every chance i'm

telling you no i've just tried it it's not you're not gonna gaslight me into thinking you need to there needs to be time also shock he's made us eat by the way you need to have time between the mint and the banana should I wait right okay five minutes I'll have it

holy no still not well that was can I suggest something that might have circled I don't know how the last episode was edited but something that we can

circle back to from the end of the last episode yeah would you swap the death of your wife for the actual power of being able to use the force in real life? Could you remember like- Star Wars force, Jedi force.

Never seen Star Wars. Oh my God. Right, so this is a three-way conversation then. Really? So basically, it's borderline like telekinesis. They're in tune with anything. They can move stuff with their mind that sort of thing would you swap

the death of your wife for a superpower essentially theoretically when we say wife you mean my missus

you have to think you're married or down the line you're married and you've got kids and everything I'd take the death of her

just for 10 minutes a piece if I'm honest forget fucking forget fucking the force alright well because the force of silence

how about that let's Jesus let's vary this let's vary this because obviously he's never watched Star Wars would you take the death

of your wife for a superpower of your choice because you have to think you essentially are becoming the most powerful person but the reason the reason we've suggested power of the

force is because it's Darth Vader. Darth Vader. His wife doesn't die and then he gets the force. Do you want my real answer? Anakin doesn't die. Padme dies and he becomes even more powerful. That's the implication. He becomes Darth

Vader off the back. So you are the most powerful person in the world, but you have to deal with the death of wife. Yeah. Or we do death of wife for a superpower of your choice. Okay, do you want my real answer or the content answer? You have to really think about the real implications of life. Why not both? The real answer is obviously not.

No, but think about it. That's a lie. You could do anything. You obviously wouldn't kill your wife. No, you don't kill her. No, you don't kill her. She just dies. Okay, but it's still your choice. You could save millions of lives with your power. I don't kill your wife. No, you don't kill her. No, you don't kill her. She just dies. Okay, well, it's still your choice.

You could save millions of lives with your power. I don't give a fuck. How? The game's the game. Maybe it's the sacrifice of the greater good. I'm really silly. No, I agree. The greater good.

Would she say it's for the greater good? Do it. If you give me that power, I am not using it for good What would you do? I'm using it for purely selfish reasons Chalk me Also to be fair

That's what he does Pause To be fair If like you were so close with your wife And she died There's every chance That you just go off the rails And you're a superhero

You're like a homelander You're a guilt You're flying around Fucking blowing people's brains out It's a stupid question But you can't snarl It's a stupid question. But you can't snore, this is a serious question. No, but we're saying the superhero is your choice.

Okay, well, speaking of death, let's make this more light-hearted. Top 10 things to do before you die. I actually compiled a little bit of a list. I didn't quite get to 10 because I actually don't have 10 in mind. One, kids. Two, married.

Sorry, but have kids. You want to get married? All right, cool. Tom, you want to get married alright cool Tom you want to get married oh ten okay I'll do ten first yeah what you ranked it

yeah I ranked it no no no I just picked ten I did top ten things no no no mine's not in order I ranked it shock another list

that we're doing where nobody understands the assignment that's ideal no I've got kids marriage pay parents mortgage off

oh clever see a pregnant Chinese slash Japanese lady, skydive, go to... No, I'm serious. I've never seen a pregnant Chinese or Japanese lady.

Before you go on, can we just... You've never seen a pregnant... Have you? It's like the baby pigeon thing, isn't it? No one's seen a baby pigeon. Bollocks.

That's a fucking good point. You're always in a nest though, that's different. Yeah, but when's anyone ever seen a baby pigeon? Peopleollocks. Oh, that's a fucking good point. You're always in a nest though. That's different. Yeah, but when's anyone ever seen a baby pigeon? People seem to think that they're spies from the government and they're not real.

I think you're right. Pigeons are robotic birds. You've seen that video of the baby cockatoo. What's a cockatoo? It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. No, we haven't.

It's like a rat dinosaur, like... It's fucking wild a bit like how you wake up in the morning morning Jodie that's him screaming for water

oh my god that is you that's you without your glasses on my mouth's been fucking big in these last few years with a bit of cold

can I do my list is there any is there any chance that you would like is there any chance that you can just learn to breathe through your nose at one point

what oh mate yeah because you're a mouth breather can I do my fucking list yeah go on yeah yeah Jesus pregnant

Chinese person yeah pregnant slash Japanese okay skydive go to Australia slash New Zealand complete football bingo

on TikTok continue going slash go to as many Albion games as possible in my life number nine earlier slash New Zealand. Complete football bingo on TikTok. Continue going slash go to as many Albion games as possible in my life. Number nine, go to Glastonbury. Oh, great shot.

I like that. Number 10, create my own beer. Oh. Does it count if we create our own beer? No, I want to create my own.

Oh, I suppose. Depends how much money it makes me. Yeah, Glastonbury. I've just added Glastonbury because I think that's a great shot. I've still never been. And also complete every money it makes me. Yeah, Glastonbury. I've just added Glastonbury because I think that's a great shout. I've still never been.

And also complete every square metre of it. It's quite hard to get two as well. Like get tickets for, it's really hard. Yeah, I know. It's like impossible. Shall I go? Yeah, you go. Similar to, have kids, marriage.

Yeah, so complete nine man. Do John O'Groats to Land's End fully. Do what? John O'Groats to Land's End fully. What what? John O'Groats to Land's End fully. What's that? Top of UK to bottom of UK. So either on foot or on bike. Out of all the countries in the world,

you choose the UK to do that? No, it's just a cool... Until I've realised I'm not a weirdo. Write a book. Write a book? Write a book? What? Anything.

What's wrong with that? Like a novel? Yeah, probably. Or a stoicism book. No, that's just too much. I with that? Like a novel? Yeah, probably. Oh, it's a book. No, that's just too much. I reckon you'd be quite good at that, actually. A self-help book. Give us a synopsis.

Well, you never know until a story hits you, do you? Most people write about their own lives, don't they? Write what you know, that's the point. I run a marathon. No. Go on. I don't know. Just to...

Wait, the point is... Come on, give us a book. The point is before I die so realistically I've got what 2500 weeks left travel Australia slash New Zealand again Glastonbury

and renovate a camper van and travel across the UK my mate's done that he did it across Europe as well I want to do that someone's got to do that list okay number 10

be a fit and healthy 50 year old oh that's he's going to have the shit oh your lice is going to be do you know what

do you know what I'm going to do lift to 155 before I die I know he's not 50 but you know Casey Neistat he's like

I'll be like 35 or something hit all my macros by the time I'm 60 fucking hell man you're such a wet guy I want to be like 35 hit on my macros by the time i'm 60 your diet has to be better by the time that you're at that age okay okay great number nine uh buy a house and make a home gym with recovery center yeah that's good one that's fine number eight yearly pub golf with the lads. Good idea. Good idea.

I like that. So meet up with the lads once a year. Yeah, yearly pub golf because pub golf is not my favourite thing ever. All right.

Has to be. I like that. Pub golf's lit. Number seven, a full Ironman. Five, travel, especially Asia. Yeah, good chat.

Northern Thailand, see the elephants and that. Four, run a marathon in every continent. Oh, can't. North and Thailand. See the elephants in that. Four. Run a marathon in every continent. Oh, can't you be arsed? Really? Yeah, man.

For a video or just for the... Just for goals. And for a video. Yeah. Three. Play golf with my mates on the regular. I mean, as you grow up, that'll happen anyway. That's a life goal.

Have the best fucking wedding ever including coming out to greatest showman or some cool shit man walks down the aisle like doing like I'm just Ken

or something like that oh Jesus that's your walk that's your walkout song you need a walkout song also if a man doesn't walk in yeah I know but having a walkout song

as a man would be lit like on FIFA like having a walkout oh big a man doesn't walk in yeah I know but having a walkout song as a man would be lit like on FIFA like having a walkout oh big character Robbie Williams strikes again yeah I'm just

getting pushed right out of the way and then get all the boys to like take part of your stick yeah

they all just like strip off their black tuxes or whatever you wear at weddings and they've got pink ones underneath. Number one, have kids and train them to be the next Mbappe. Brilliant.

Yeah, brilliant. Surely there's a better player than Mbappe you can think of. Yeah. Next Messi? No, I want them to be Mbappe. Do you think your kids are going to live up to your like charity football match legacy? What?

No, you know how like... He's not got a legacy. He has. What is it? He's decorated. He's done every charity football match legacy. What? No. No, you know how like he's not got a legacy. He has. What is it? He's done every charity football match Yeah, but we don't know how that's going to go yet, do we? The legacy that we know of so far

is injuries. You're in the Champions League final now. Literally, you've got one injury in one game. Yeah, but what's the most thing you're memorable for at charity, mate? It is. Blimbo Wembley Cup goal?

Blimbo Wembley Cup goal? Blimber Wembley Cup goal? No, it's the injury. I reckon the injury at Sardinia West is everything. It is. I think it has. I think in your mind the Wembley Cup goal is bigger,

but I think people now recognise you as the guy that pulled the hip in so many years. Do you think your kids will be able to live up to your career in football? That's what I thought he was going to ask.

I actually think I'm more recognised as Jamie Vardy these days. Yeah, but that's not a charity match moment. Ah, it's not. Right, okay. Jesus. That was good. I'm excited for this one.

I like them, yeah. They were good. A lot of fitness ones, though. Yeah. Not like... I couldn't really think of anything else. Ten. Create a business.

That'd be good to be like, have a little... Because when you're like 50 yeah what are you going to do I thought you said no career ones no no I said that's my only career one

okay fair enough get an MBA is number nine which one did you say N services to pitch time I don't know what I mean what are you going to get

an MBA I don't know also what is the difference between like OM I don't know I know there's a ranking system. When you just pick a knighthood.

Yeah, because I feel, I want to be realistic. That's a knighthood. OB is higher than MBE. Order of the British Empire is different to member of the British Empire. It hasn't even got his knighthood. So like, I don't know. We know why though. Do we?

Yeah, because of the emails. What emails? What? Remember he literally got hacked and his emails went around saying he's annoyed about why he hasn't got an you would be annoyed

if you were here but he's done what has he done he was really good at football he's shagging his boys I reckon if he waits long enough

and is King William he'll get knighted anyway when it ends up being King William we'll knight him anyway because he gets the choice right yeah true that yeah and I think

they're quite close but Luke what are you going to get an MBE in like services like media I don't know I just do something like charity you have to do something

a goal you have to say yeah it is to get an MBE so I don't have the answers now but you do you have to you have to do something

to service like your community and shit so yeah I was going to say it's also quite very it's very selfish at the moment Lewis it would have been Lewis it would have been more

it would have been where's world peace on that list it would have been more wholesome for you to say I'd love to achieve an MBE

by serving the community not give myself MBE I want to be known as fucking MBE Lewis Gordon that was a good accent that

eat some of Gordon Ramsay's food to see if it's all that. You could do that anyway. Go to Bread Spree Kitchen. No, no. I'm actually cooked by him. I've got that soon.

Cooked by him. I've had a lot of nice food and I always think like... You haven't, mate. Does Gordon Ramsay think this is shit? You really haven't. If I could say comparatively, in terms of fine dining,

you are definitely the least experienced. Peter Horton's lush. So, Lou, I went to a Thai restaurant and you said you recognised one thing in the photo I sent do you know what's

meant to write it was beef noodles that was fucking rice chicken and rice and that was rice now do you know Kitchen Nightmares I always watch that

thinking that looks pretty nice write a book book or script thank you yeah great idea I think writing a book

is a permanent stamp on the world yeah i used to do loads because i used to do video shit so i actually have like a couple scripts i've got a class you know what i fully back that idea what is your good luck with it mate i'll tell you some other day on the pod but i've got i've got the ultimate like tv series trust me i believe you as well yeah it's it's some i do question how you get through life going on in that brain you got a bit Richard Osman about you you might be the glasses have you like painted in your hairline

have you like put sprinklers no he's just done hairspray or something no it's nothing it's fresh it hasn't even got any I feel like you put like sprinklers when did you get that done yesterday yeah

fresh hair yeah yeah keep going I'm liking this I've got a script yep six play football

at St. James's Park nice that's doable that's very doable for you five meet Alan Shearer yeah oh that's

that's probably the easiest on the list so far I've already technically met him as a kid but like as an adult but like speak to him have a conversation

with him yeah but I don't know if I'd be able to do you reckon he knows who you are do you reckon if he came up to you he'd be like

oh mate I'm not a fan but I do know who you are. So you want to meet... Alan Sheeran knows you. There's no way he's on TikTok and YouTube. Mate, obviously he knows who you are. This is football having short form content, mate.

He doesn't scroll through it. He just turns up shoes. He'll see his big side on Twitter. He uses Twitter. I promise you, he would have seen your face. Before, see a tornado up close. Is that because of the one I put in the chat?

Is that because of the TikTok? No, I've always been interested, but that one was sick though. That was class. Why risk your life for that? No, I don't, I just think- You want to go storm chasing?

It's just such a, like weird, like phenomenon that happens. It's so crazy. Why don't you just watch a video of it? Nah. Imagine seeing it.

To see a tornado. You won't think that, you'll think it's CGI it's crazy like that just exists yeah it is crazy they are mad I mean that's definitely

a doable thing before you die how close do you want it I want to get a bit close I don't want to die well that's a fine line Lewis alright well I'll go stop there's excitement though

of like there that close to death you could see it I like it no you're you do that every day death as well you could see it I like it no you're you do that every day with me mate you're close

I'm edging fight on misfits I think that's a cool thing to look back on when you're dead or dying you can do that anyway

surely you could have thought bigger than misfits no I think that's that's like more prominent in my mind for a world title no but I mean like- To do it like, to actually, think how many people-

So you're fucking sat on your deathbed at 85 and you go, I'm so glad I fought in Misfits 29. No, it's not like Misfits, it's like fighting in that sort of platform. Yeah, okay, I get it, I get it. Do you need to ever feel what it's like to be a professional boxer? Yeah, and also it's like something that I imagine is-

Yeah, no one wants to write a fucking weird sci-fi book it's also like that would be a big like not on many people I didn't even say sci-fi I don't know how

he's got to that because it would be alright a lot of people would be like oh nah fuck that it's kind of like a not scary thing

to do no I get it I just didn't understand why it was specifically misfit when I did the dart and I went

out there was only 100 people there I was like I feel a bit wobbly here yeah that could have been because you were fucking performing in front of a crowd is difficult When I did the dart and I went out, there was only 100 people there. I was like, I feel a bit wobbly here. Yeah. That could have been because you were fucking pissed.

Performing in front of a crowd is difficult, mate. Especially when you're going out of scrap. It's like at school, if you know you're about to have a fight and you're like at break time and you're like, ooh. Fight or flight.

Have you figured out what you're doing with your eyes yet? What? Like in the boxing, do you wear lenses? I don't know. You need to get lenses, mate. Oh, yeah. They'll probably just get hit. Either way. A bit more generic of a question. Yeah. Have you figured out what like in the boxing like do you wear lenses i don't know you need to get lenses mate oh yeah

they'll probably get hit either way a bit more generic of a question yeah have you figured out what you're gonna do with your eyes that was very uh laser eye surgery i would if you needed it for the fire i'd genuinely do it just for that i could never you know i could never risk that after watching final destination man oh yeah how do they keep your eyes open for the procedure? What? They clamp them, don't they? And you have to stare at a thing. But how do you not blink?

Well, if you do, then you get your eyes burnt. I don't know. There must be a way, because blinking is a natural... Also, do you want a quick fact about... Anyone want a quick fact about blinking? Yeah. How often do you reckon we blink on a daily basis? Oh, that's a good question.

How many times per day do you reckon we blink? a daily basis oh that's a good question how many times per day do you reckon we blink oh my god once every two seconds yeah number one it's a rough number 18,400 how many seconds it's a fucking good guess

to be fair it's 14,000 so it means of every waking day our eyes are closed for 23 minutes damn that is a cool fact

there you go you know what hey I'm going to instigate something we should do random facts of the week and we all bring a fact in i said this first episode yeah let's do it like fucking yeah i can't remember what it was you couldn't even remember the facts didn't you that's what happened right you were like oh i can't remember then if you see that um video of the ostrich fucking that ostrich at the spy party the other day it was unbelievable

how their cocks look what do you mean you haven't seen it no oh my phone is over you I promise I don't know

what you're on you guys haven't seen it he was borrowing it on twitter you mean your FYP's not filled with fucking penises Ligon's cock

has like a spike on it all cats do do you want to know why that is is it like a weapon is it all cats do do you want to know what that is is it like a weapon is it to lock it in

I think I heard this on the low IQ podcast actually a great source of information yeah the reason cats

cocks are spiked is because during like mating season or whatever female cats are just

constantly getting like shagged and filled with spunk so it scrapes out the previous cat's spunk. So it scrapes out. It scrapes out the previous cat's spunk.

Oh, wow. And leaves it. That is crazy. Nature is mad. How mad is that? Sorry, mate. I know that you've just fucking finished it now,

but I'm going to have to remove that before I do. How bad is that? That's me. Well, number two, anyways. Lying cocks to buying my parents a flat in America.

And then I'll also use it though like America do you mean I don't know my mum loves America and I remember I said that as a kid she's been

but like do you mean a condo a condo whereabouts it's a big place Hawaii I don't know where they bought it

aim higher for a than a flat so Hawaii so Hawaii or somewhere like Florida yeah I reckon you'd get her like an actual house, not a flat. I don't know.

Oh, she wants a cabin. I'm never going to buy a house down in London. That's American. You're going to aspire to something, you know, big. That's cute. You want to buy her a log cabin in Alaska? What, you're going to turn into the Unabomber? And then the first is...

That's what the Unabomber did? He went just foot in the middle of like fucking Missouri. And that's what the Unabomber did he went just in the middle of like fucking Missouri and that's what Walter White did how did they find him you've not seen it on Netflix

the documentary you'll enjoy that great show really good I don't think I have actually it's like a Manhunter series is it the Boston one no

and then go to space that's the Boston Marathon go to space go to space that's a good one that's not it's not mental because

I said this like five years ago it's a good one that's not it's not mental because I said this like five years ago it's getting space travel let's dissect this for a second how are you going to space

are you going as an astronaut or are you going like a commercial like with Richard Branson so just the zero G sort of they pop you up

bring you down not actually go in space and get a C no that's very different though you could no no no you can't that's not what, that's not it, is it?

Yeah, it is. On the Virgin, they have been doing it for years. But I thought they just, I thought they just, I thought they'd just go to somewhere close and then bring you back down. Oh, no.

So you experience zero, Jeff Bezos is doing it and then so is, So they actually send you fully out of the atmosphere. You're into, technically into space territory. Fuck.

Luke, if we booked you onto Virgin Galactic, would you actually do it? Yes, why not? I would do it. Oh, fuck that. Do you know how much it is? It's fucking...

It's so expensive. I think Richard Branson's is looking dodgy these days. I don't know how his is. They haven't done it though yet, have they? People have went, yeah. Oh, I thought it was...

They're called astronauts. I thought that was just like in the works. Richard Branson's went. Do they not just remind you of like the submarine? Like, no thank you. Oh, no thank you if I went on a do you know what

I'd be fucking shitting myself if I went on a commercial space flight with you because you look exactly like that guy in Men in Black

yeah yeah which grows out the little head you do you know the little head they've been portraying the ship and you do

you little bean bean damn well that was a good list yeah I like yours mate yours was varied mine was the best but okay

it's not all about winning Tom it's not competition I didn't even have a full 11 if it was about that I would does anyone have any news this week

news I'm moving in with my girlfriend are you I didn't even have a full 11. If it was about that, I would. Does anyone have any news this week? News? I'm moving in with my girlfriend. Oh yeah? She got a job down here. Oh wait, she did the interview and got a job? Yeah, they offered her the same deal. That's crazy. Oh, congratulations!

That's crazy. I'm a bit worried about it. That's crazy that she allows you to call her that rather than your carer. Wait, Luke, why are you scared because i've lived with her for one week during a covid and i made her cry because uh your breath like you know when you just pull the seat out and they hit the floor so i did that she fell on the floor it's like day one of like that fucking year living with Coco the clown fucking hell

after one week of living here in lockdown did she say I can't take someone and moved out nah but like she's genuinely in tears on day one

because she turned I thought it was funny and then she like turned around from the floor you know why it's because she's not only she falls on the floor from that chair

she's turning around and you're going he must be so difficult to live with you know I bet you're so annoying I'm getting kicked out too so we can we can look at some houses together yeah we can all i uh i actually need to move in like he's gonna be my neighbor uh because that's the mortgage rates have changed

so our landlord is just selling it not renting anymore but he's gonna be my neighbor potentially maybe one of the options is where fear lives yeah Oh. I was going to say, you can't. Can you imagine? We can see each other. Yeah, can't get enough of him already. I can't imagine it. Think of all the workouts we could do. Yeah, great times, man.

And then all the burgers we can eat afterwards because I'll just copy what you do. Oi, I got one and I was really mind blown by this. It doesn't say much. There were predictions about what it's about. I thought the obvious food.

He found that you can get iPhone phone cases in like 10 colours. Oh, that's a good one. He discovered that tutti frutti

is just a mix of random fruits and ate them all at the same time. That's quite interesting. What's your one? I think he's discovered that his Ford Charger works with his AirPods.

No! What is it? So I was on a shoot the other day with a footballer who I can't name yet. Brilliant. And it's a very, very top level, I think best in the world. So you've just gave it away.

Well done. No, because there's loads of footballers. Yeah, it's easy. Hey. What? No, carry on. Anyways, but it was like an all-day shoot, right? So they had him for about four hours.

And you know on shoot, they would have like food for like the crew and everyone. The old snack food, crisps and whatever they have, right? His team did not allow any crisps, anything unhealthy, even for the crew so every snack had to be like apples bananas nature valley bars everything on set had to be healthy right even though it wasn't for him and for the whole crew even though it wasn't there everything had to be healthy so what's that discovery about a footballer's elite athletes are just they surround themselves by healthy food yeah they

tailor their environment if he saw he wouldn't have to see a packet of crisps if he saw a packet of

crisps he'd like me he'd just cave in yeah that's the psychology behind eating healthy food

but he might that's the whole point so they remove the temptation do you not think that's

mad though he wouldn't even be there for the first two hours I think it's kind of a dick move

he's probably not him. That's how all footballers or music artists sort their rider, don't they? True. You can go behind the curtain and have a distract. No, but it was quite good, though, because you just ended up snacking on healthy food, so it helps everyone else.

Right. Okay. So, once again, Theo's discovery is about food. And then the other one I went to go take a parcel back the other day and I was like fuck there's nowhere to park

so I just whacked it on a single yellow and it was like five minute loading or whatever and I went to go do it came back and the parking guy

was giving me a ticket but he hadn't whacked it on the car yet I was like oh mate I'm here like I just did the park like I'm here

it's fine like I'll go he's like too late mate been two minutes and in front of me I said mate I'm literally gone

and he whacked it on my car and took a photo of me in front of the car that's up there with the wrong paper scissors that is the most

boring thing you've ever said he's described he parked illegally he got a parking point. He's described the process of getting a parking ticket in London. But I'm here. Like, can't he just do me a favour?

Like, I'm right. He's not even put it on my car yet. But that's why they have a bad rep, because they do shit like that. He hasn't put it on the car. He's not done it. Yeah, but you're... I'm here!

Just give me a break! What you should have done is driven off. Off, mate. Quickly got in your car and driven off. Do you remember when we went to play golf? Just one second. Stop reversing. No, come back.

I think I'm in the photo on the guy when he took the photo of the car. He's an Amazon delivery driver. Wow. And then the guy next to me, he's, because I was like,

oh, mate, and he just walked off. How can you park next to someone on a yellow line? I watched this guy happen. He's been there one minute. They're meant to wait like two minutes

for you to come back or something like that you shouldn't have taken that you're going to have to hold that but remember when we played golf

we were 20 minutes late right so we were trying to squeeze onto tea and it was really busy it was at Liverpool it was like on the morning of a shoot

and he was getting so like Karen we were up north in like Liverpool and he was so Karen Southern Karen boy these people are letting us Liverpool and you saw Karen Southern Karen boy mate these people

are letting us in and I was like oh the more like these arseholes are fucking pushing in through all their heads it was like

I'm not letting this Southerner in and you were making it where he was getting because we had no leg to stand on man you have changed that is not

that is not changing here we go now they see the truth. There's somewhere, somewhere between these. We were. We were there for our tea time.

We were. Lewis, you're making out. We were there because we stopped at Cedric's. Also, he's making out as if like.

Because I remember, I remember being impressed that he used, aka the doctors. I'm impressed that he used his Nectar cards because I thought he was so wealthy

he wouldn't care about Nectar cards. I don't have a Nectar cards. I don't have a Nectar card. It was whatever you scanned at Sainsbury's. Unless it was a Tesco or something. Yeah, he scanned it. Sainsbury's.

I think you've got something mixed up in this situation, mate. He scanned his Tesco club card at Sainsbury's, right? And then the guy's going, I fucking know it's not going to work here. And he's like, Lewis is going, we're going to be late.

We're going to be late. It's the wrong supermarket. We checked into the clubhouse and guys were like yeah just jump on it's fine you're on time it's all good

and these old little Dossers the well and the right Dossers the well and the right we were there for our tea time we didn't ask them politely though

you were doing you had a southern voice and you were going mate this is unbelievable like mate I literally didn't do that once I said oh do you mind

do you mind playing mate can you get off the market and get in on it I was not getting in on it, oh, do you mind? Fucking. Hey, can you get off my team? I was not getting annoyed. I said, mate, do you mind if we play our tea time? They're like, no. Fucking scoff. Yeah, they did let us in, but then you were annoyed after that. Well, obviously.

You carried. It's like, we're there for our tea time. No, we were late. We were late. Look at you trying to chat shit about your master. We were. Obey him. You are carried of the group

I wanted to play our tea time because if we were late I would agree with that I would agree with that you get over something very like small

you'll get I know out of the four of us I think you are you have the highest you are the most uptight definitely I'll never

I'll never like anyone that ever says anything to like a waiter about food that gives me the yeah I'll just leave it yeah no I don't believe that I couldn't do it I don't believe that unless it ache. Yeah. I'll just leave it. Yeah.

No, I don't believe that. I couldn't do it. I don't believe that. Unless it's got mayo and asked no mayo. So yeah, you would.

No, you just say, oh, can I get a wrap no mayo? And then they give you a wrap with mayo. That's them not doing their job. I don't think that's being, so everything I've just said,

you've just proved wrong. No, not normally though. Like if it's cold, I'll just eat it. I don't think it's being a current, like, what happens if I'm allergic to egg? They're trying to kill me. That's very different, bro not normally though like if it's cold I'll just eat it I don't think it's being a current like just quietly on the weekends

what happens if I'm allergic to egg they try and kill me that's very different especially if you specify I'm allergic to egg you're allergic to mayo

you're 100% the most uptight you're not allergic to mayo you get very also that's a Karen moment in itself he's not allergic to

mayo because you've tried it in a video I'd say I'm allergic to mayo though so you're not you're just being a Karen try and kill me which is the we were on the do you think if you had a problem with your cock you would be able to come to one of us but this is one of you well i mean are we are we close enough as a group for you to inspect our penis i feel you see my cock or arsehole you know if you

had a problem downstairs and you're like boys I've got a bit of an issue here. Why would you bring it into work, though? I don't know if I'd want to show you. That's what I'm asking. Are we beyond work now? I'll say we're away on a shoot. Yeah, are we beyond work friends now? Look, you want to look at my willy?

I'd happily show you my cock. Yeah, we do that anyway. We see it every shoot. I've got little bumps around the bottom of my bellend. Okay, keep going. What? I had them ever since I was young. I was like,

fucking hell, have I got... That isn't good. Nah, nah, I googled it have you been sucking on your own cock with herpes just a normal thing like I just had it

wait what do you mean like bumps just like little ridges I think I got that see I think it's like it's called something something like mega

oh yeah is that the scientific name I think it's called like that's the Latin name is it something something yeah

it's got big I don't know Biggiest cockiest I think It was like Cocos engorgio No he was a dinosaur It was like Chip looked at your arse

Would you trust us To look at your arse Yeah that's good Not you Definitely me You trust me Why wouldn't you trust me Well I have a semi like

Medical background Yeah yeah Understanding You no way You'd give me an infection Yeah You yeah 100% you can go Also I think you'd Catch pink I way you'd give me an infection yeah also I think you'd catch

pink eye I think you'd catch pink eye the easiest as well because your eyes are so far out of

your head that you know if I ever had someone to inspect I'd be like who do I

want to give pink eye the least to here or who's the most likely to get it

I can't give Lewis it do you fart all the time and it just smells no I don't eat enough no not all the time do you have a cock huh do you have anything yeah it's too big no i used to have oh my mates i love this i did i did get uh i've got

two i did get warts on them when I was younger and I just picked them off because you can either go and get them froze off I had them froze off on my hands get a verruca on your nose no no no warts

oh god what the fuck horrible how did you even get that you had genital warts oh fucking hell not when you were how old were you

I was like 17, 18 and I showed my mates and they were like fucking hell bro they were like that's genital warts and we googled it they were like you hell bro like we googled they were like that's genital warts and we googled it they were like

you can either go to get them froze off how long do they like they obviously come off eventually as soon as I pulled them off they went for good

literally pulled them off a lot of bleeding yeah of course I just picked them off and then they never came back never came back get off

get off I'll let you know yeah that's not just so people know that's not medical advice yeah don't do that I've had them froze off and be hard to deserve and then I've had chlamydia a few times know, that's not medical advice. Yeah, don't do that. I've had the pearls

off my hands. And then I've had chlamydia a few times and then that's about it. Yeah, I'm just trying to tick them all off. The worst is when you go in and it's like,

they start asking you things. No, and the nurse is like, it's you from Saturday. No, I'm just here for a routine inspection, love. We had a great night though, didn't we, but you can't lie can you and sometimes say you've had like a heavy weekend or whatever and you're like she's like so when's the last time you had um like oral sex you're like um yeah yesterday and she was like the time before that yeah the day before she's like are these all the same

partner and you're like no it's not the same part and she's like looking at you like hmm okay I think yeah piss into it and I'm just sat there like yeah my dick never used to work

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