Back Side - Embarrassing School Stories, RANKING The Worst Hear Me Out's & The Legendary Chimp War!

Episode Date: November 21, 2024

An instant classic! To celebrate their brand new set, the lads talk their secret childhood stories that have never been heard...(for a reason.) They rank their Top 5 Hear me out's, Theo calls Reev and idiot and Lewis has his best/worst fact yet... The Infamous Chimp War. If you'd like to work with us, email the studio on [e-mail] by The Fellas Studios: https://fellasstudios.com/podcastsTheo:https://youtube.com/c/HiMalfoyhttps://youtube.com/c/TheoBakerVlogsOllie:https://youtube.com/c/reevhttps://youtube.com/c/OllieFletcherTom Garratt:https://www.youtube.com/@TomGarratt10Lewis:Worm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to a new episode of Backside with me, Reeve, Theo Baker, Tom Garrett and Lewis Bowden. If you haven't already hit follow, why not tap it right now for new episodes every week. And if you want to see more Backside, catch us on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram, where all you have to do is search Backside. Let's get into it. Welcome to the new set everyone! And that's right, I have grown by seven feet and Reeve has shrunk. But look at it, man.

How many things can you spot in the background? I'm not allowed to put my arm on the chair thing. You just put it over the top like that. What's it like down there? I'm so excited to be here, Theo. Tom, I like what you've done with this little arm underneath. I hate my chair so much. It's actually comfier than mine.

Mine's a bit lumpy. Well, it is the fella's garage garage if you're wondering where we are. We finally got a set, but they decided to put us in the garage. Do you like how pink Tom's hair is? I love the lighting with a nice pink light directed right at his neat hair. It's nice. We've got the fish with hair. We've got Stuart Little. Why is he up there?

Tom's favourite T-shirt. Do I have anything? Yeah, we have the ninja monkeys up top here. No one can see that. Can you even remember the ninja monkeys? There's actually a Stuart Little there as well. He's fucking everywhere, isn't he? It's not real, so don't worry.

No, he's a real mouse. Guilty until proven innocent. And we got a fishbowl. Well, there's dumbbells there. Why is there a fishbowl? I haven't got a fish yet. But most importantly... I want to get a fish.

Most importantly, guys, the logo i drew has been used yeah look at that man it's a pretty good look no come here surely we'd be the only podcast in the world with a live this is right can i can i talk to you about this so when we were designing the set obviously i said i really want a fish and they're like why i was like i don't think you understand like he'll be part of the pod yeah i was like not only that we put them on he'll be part of the pod and I was like not only that we put him on the artwork and not only that

we give him a split of the podcast the fish is a host and we put a little dangly do you know in Spongebob where the mic comes from

above the sea and there's like a little thing what happens every Christmas when the fish dies no no we're not even that what happens if we turn up one day and he's not here

and he's gone on to do bigger things he's gone on to the club you? He's gone on to the club. You never know, do you? He could outgrow us. He'll be part of the podcast. He'll be a great guy. He'll chirp in.

And also, we'd have a funeral when he dies. Can you imagine we buy the wrong type of fish? Are you kidding? It's massive. I imagine there was a fish there. Or a dead fish. We need a goldfish. He's like, I need water.

But everyone's telling me that, no, Lewis, you can't have a fish on the podcast. Guys, 3,000 likes and we will get a fish. We need a goldfish. He's like, I need water. But everyone's telling me that, nor Lewis, you can't have a fish on a podcast. Guys, 3,000 likes and we will get a fish. And a rice cake. We could feed it rice cake. Yeah. A fish and a rice cake. Can I just say, like, who's stopping us going to get a fish?

It's just down to, I don't think they trust that I'm going to feed it, but I wouldn't let a fish die. You don't need to feed a fish, mate. It feeds itself. It's a fish. It's not in the sea. It's in our garage. How's he going to feed himself in that bowl, Theo?

I'm really trying hard here, guys. You know, if you get a goldfish... Yes, you're right. It's a fucking fish. You know, if you get a goldfish, you, you're right. It's a fucking fish. You know, if you get a goldfish, you don't need to worry about feeding it because it'll never remember if you fed it or not. That is not how goldfish work.

You might be the stupidest bloke ever, mate. Is that why you eat a lot? Yeah, they just forget they're hungry. His brain doesn't work. You know why a goldfish goes in a circle? Yeah, we understand that. He goes, I've never been here before. And his swim trot goes, I've never been here before.

No, no, no. That might be true. And they may forget they've eaten, but understand that. He goes, I've never been here before. And the swimmer goes, I've never been here before. No, no, no. That might be true and they may forget they've eaten but if they don't eat, they die. But is that why every single... They can't just go,

oh, I forgot I've had food. Therefore, I don't need food. But also, this is what you're forgetting, right? People will never know if our goldfish dies because you can just replace it with another goldfish.

No, no, no. He's part of the podcast. He owns a percentage. Who is he? The fish. Who? Who's sake's not a she? This is annoying,

because this is annoying. They said we couldn't get a fish, but they just give me the ball without the fish. So what's the fucking point then? I will go and get you a fish. I think we should get a fish. Let's sneak a fish. I vote for fish.

In the comments, let us know what fish we should get. And what name. We need to name it. I have a quite a traumatic experience actually. You should call it Burn. Can I talk? Should we get him? We need to find a type of fish that has hair. I name it I have quite a traumatic experience actually should we get in we need to find a type of fish

that has hair I've got a bit of a traumatic experience about fish that's why it's funny because they don't have hair I have a bit of

a traumatic experience about a fish did you put one up your arsehole can we just have no can we actually take this serious because it was

close to me so I was younger and I always wanted a dog I really wanted a dog so you went for a fish yeah I'll make sure no I won't that's something and I always wanted a dog. I really wanted a dog. So you went for a fish? Yeah, that makes sense. No, I won't. That's not really silly.

I always wanted a dog, but my mum and dad... No, don't call me pet. We'll get you one eventually. We'll start you off with a fish. That was kind of it. So my mum and dad never really wanted a dog because they thought it was a bit tiring. So they gave me a fish.

Tiring? What does that mean? Like they can't go on holiday. They tie you down. Tie you down, okay. So they were like, we'll get you a fish. And I was like, well, it's not really the same, is it? And the next thing I knew I had were like we'll get your fish and i was like it's not really the same is it and the next thing i knew i had a fish so i got one he was beautiful he's called larry and beautiful he had these fantastic he was like this big and he had these

beautiful fins right and like when he swam around he was like floating around he's so nice fantastic fantastic literally and larry was the first fish we got we got a few others and then we got a couple other fish and they're called anton Deck. Oh, let me guess. Yeah. Larry got munched. I went downstairs one day and I'm like, where's Larry?

He's swimming around in circles because he's only got one fin left. Oh, he's been here. He's doing like circles. Ant and Deck,

I've came into this fucking fish bowl, demolished my favourite fish and started just raking havoc. They were like fucking pillages. Raking havoc. Did they have headsets Did you- Did they- Raking havoc.

Did they have headsets on going, tell him his fucking shit. Did you do the honourable thing and take the like demented fish out and just eat it? Yeah, did you just cook it? And they went down the toilet. How big do you think they put down the toilet? They got off lightly.

We should have poured bleach on them. Wait, you put- You could say it. It's Larry? Wait, you put- Oh, yeah, right, you put Ant and Dec down the toilet. Wait, you put it on Larry? Wait, you put Anton Deck down the toilet. Oh, I didn't know with Larry. I was too traumatised to deal with that. The dish hadn't even died.

You put it in the toilet. Anton Deck deserved a bad death. Mate, that's torture. Fuck them. And what did you call what they did to Larry, mate? He had one fin. Mate, how do you know? How do you know Larry didn't start the fight?

We were seeing them because they kept coming down and picking on him. That is also true. Larry lived there in peace for months. How do you know Larry wasn't a knob? Yeah, because he was only they kept coming down and picking on him. That is also true. Larry lived there in peace for months. How do you know Larry wasn't a knob? Yeah, because he was only there alone. No, there was another one. There was Max. Max.

I swear to God, it was like Coronation Street in that tank. It was fucking like, yeah, so fish is a, you just need like a single athlete. It would be more Biker Grove, wouldn't it really? Would you say fish a friend? Not food. Brilliant. Stop referencing the fact you've been to Australia. Nobody. How is that Australian? How is that Australian? Fish your friend, not food brilliant stop referencing the fact you've been to Australia nobody how's that Australian

how's that Australian fish your friend not food from Finding Nemo yeah which is famously in Sydney no they don't start in Sydney though

do they Pete Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney yeah but they start in England what the fuck is he saying no they don't

you think clownfish spawn in England they start in like near the fucking what's the thing called Great Barrier Reef they start near there oh then they catch the thing called? Great Barrier Reef. They start near there. Oh, then they catch the wave.

Yeah. It's in Australia. The whole film's in Australia. You're an idiot. Karen. You might be an idiot. It's a fucking Australian shark, isn't it? I have no idea what any of you are talking about.

Oh, bro. Yeah. Although Nemo is... English? No, they're American. Dory. Nemo's a clown. You know who Dory's played by?

Yes, everyone knows that. Who? Ellen. Is it? She'd made a comeback. No, she's fucking cancelled. She made a new show saying, I am the greatest person again.

Do you know what they should do? Ellen and Schofield, a new dynamic duo. Hang about. When's that Schofield documentary coming out? It's already out. It's been on the island. No one cares.

It's already out. I don't care. He really thought people would give a shit. It was also on Channel 4. I didn't know it even came out. Exactly. That's fucking... Talking to celebrities.

We did come out. Oh, it's G Phil. That's a bit early, man. I've got stuff. I've got something I wanted to show you. I've got one from your fish story. My mum burnt my hamster alive. Okay. What the fuck happened there then? That's like RSPC. fish story. My mum burnt my hamster alive. Okay, well,

what the fuck happened there then? That's like RSPC. Wait, wait, wait. This is a perfect moment. Let's get deep side. Yeah, seriously, man. So his name was Boogles.

Oh, that lighting sounds better. Boogles? Boogles. That would make a lot of sense with your lighter choices in life. Boogles.

Maybe we're deep side right now. Boogles. Because he eats the fingers. Oh, because the boogles is another word for cocaine.le Because it eats the fingers Oh Because the bugle is another word for cocaine I thought it was the crisps

Yeah I wouldn't know Bacon crisps Yeah she cleaned around the house this one time and she moved his hamster

What's it called? Cage Yeah the cage Into the microwave Into the sunlight Sunlight on the windowsill. Oh, it's like a magnifying glass, isn't it?

Like, oh, no. Wait, so you watched your hamster go up in flames? No, no, no, no, no. I mean, he died from, I think, heat. Heat exhaustion, yeah. So he got cooked to death. Yeah, while she was cleaning up the house. Fuck.

Were you a YouTuber at this point? No, I was about six years old, seven years old. So you could have been the first one to the hamster funeral. It would have been fun. We had a few hamsters as kids, actually. What did you do? We had different lives, different stories. Gerb, you don't know the trick they do with the gerbil and the tube?

What's that? You've never heard of that? No. No, don't. No, never heard of that. What's that? This is genuine. Stop.

Don't. Don't. See, like, a popular thing in, like, the gay community, or I don't know how popular it is, you put, like, a tube up your ass and let the gerbil literally go into your ass. Where do you acquire this information? And it like plays with your like.

What, like sausage man? Yeah. Oh, it's on your prostate. No, on your G spot. Oh, your G spot, sorry. It feels really good. Is that what it stands for, gerbil? You have to shit it out.

I don't know. Gerbil spot. No, it just comes, but you keep the tube up there, then it can come back out the tube when it's done. Weird. What, covered in poo? I don't think it'd be covered in poo,

because your poo's up in your stomach. No, the gerbil's covered in poo, not you. No, I know, but the gerbil's not going into your stomach. It's just going around like... Well, your bowels are in your ass. Ah, but I don't think you'd be covered in poo. Imagine you farted and just forced it out. Have you not heard the song...

Like an evacuation. From Eminem when he's like, shove a dribble in your ass through a tube. Shove a dribble in your ass through a tube. That's not a real song, Tom. Tom, that's not a real song. Remember that. If you're happy and...

Where do you acquire this information? That's just... Just when it comes to sort of these sexual things, you sort of know about them? I think a lot of my childhood I've knocked about with a lot of people older than me so then I'd hear things

and be like, what's that? And like... Where's that? I know people older than me and they don't know about tubes. You're from a posh end up in fucking Durham.

You got outed, mate. We used to go down, we used to go down to the park and like lick sticks. No, we didn down the park, like, lick sticks. No, we didn't. That says a lot, actually. I had a couple of hamsters, guys. Thanks for asking.

Yeah, what happened to them when they lived long and they prospered? No, I didn't. He just interrupted me. They've now got loads of estates. Yeah, yeah. I had a couple of hamsters. One was an albino. Snowy.

Died. One was just a normal hamster that we used to put in the wheel when we went out and then barricade the stairs and then one time we came back and it was in the

toilet downstairs so that must have been a wild ride for that hamster it climbed up an entire no it went through the books

it was only a little book and how would he get into the toilet because the door was open so he's in a ball that can run around

everywhere how did you get into the toilet toilet's downstairs door was open. So he's in a ball that can run around everywhere, aren't he? How did you get into the toilet? Toilet's downstairs. No, not in the fucking toilet bowl,

in the room. That's what I thought you meant. No, in the room. You may have likely jumped into the toilet.

Can you imagine this little hamster bouncing down the stairs in his little ball? Yeah, he's probably fucking loving it. And then this other one

we gave to a... Do they actually go around in balls? I thought it was cartoons. I thought it was just a cartoon That's how you get That's how you let them around the house So they can literally go about the house In a ball

Yeah Fuck off That's class That's how they get around That's how you let them exercise It's a Zorb It is a Zorb The last hamster we had

Died of a heart attack Did you never actually dent any like Sheera Too fat Could do yeah But that would be a bit cruel We had guinea pigs But they're

A bit bigger though aren't they You don't put that You can let them run free Really Fucking hell Could do yeah, but that would be a bit cruel. We had guinea pigs, but they're bigger than one day You don't put that date you can let them Really fucking I feel like the creep up on you and shit make you shoot yourself a guinea pig a really calm I just literally sit on you just oh they do actually yeah Once he started robbing he got hit by the Foxes it escaped though you haven't had a good experience oh I actually met your hamster no a different one that was Carly

that was Carly yeah you came around and you said Carly obviously it's called Carly Carly Mbongo Bugay was her name do you know what the first thing I said to Carly was

we said that she she signed for Atletico Madrid for 72 million pounds so bad so shit just going back to the my sister's um rabbit so basically the way it was found oh fuck off shut up i know what you're gonna say it was found up someone's ass no it's probably it wasn't it wasn't so um you know when have you ever heard foxes in the

middle of the night yeah yeah oh my god my God. That's them having sex. I didn't know what they were. That noise was when I was in London. You took me there to figure it out. You know, there's one of two things. It's either foxes having sex or cats fighting. No, you can tell the fox. I can tell the difference.

Anyway, we heard that. And then in the morning, we went out. And literally, her rabbit was like in half. Genuinely in half. And in it, there was like a tiny little bullet from Anne Summers. Why do you make this shit up? Your sister's one, obviously.

I don't know. My sister was... Undisclosed information. You didn't think about that story there, did you? My sister was six at the time, so doubtful. So what, are you saying someone shagged the rabbit? So hang on, whose bullet is that? Well, that is the question we've been asking for years.

The curious case of the rabbit bullet. In the Garrett household. We don't know who put the bullet up the rabbit's arse. Well, do you ever question why? It went so far up that it split the rabbit in half, though. No, no, no. No, the fox killed the rabbit. But on the inside.

All this time, the bullet's been in the rabbit. Yeah, so the rabbit's consumed the bullet. And we did always think he was picked up by a rabbit and he was the happiest rabbit. But now we know why. He might have even had a rabbit in him as well. Because... I don't know why you say you're laughing.

You can't get a laugh off camera for that. Yeah, I got a laugh off camera. It just means like another sex toy, doesn't it? It's called a rabbit, isn't it? I've never heard of that. You're clearly not experienced. Rumping rabbit or whatever it's called. Or whatever it's called.

Yeah, the rumping rabbit 45,000. Whatever it's listed at. Code number 456789. Sorry. I have a big animal problem. Lewis actually had an issue this week, which I told him to delete from the group chat. It's really actually, well, it's been an ongoing mystery. So I moved into big animal problem. Lewis actually had an issue this week, which I told him to delete from the group chat. It's really actually,

well, it's been an ongoing mystery. So I moved into the new flat. I hate to hear this. No, honestly, this has been like Blue's Clues. Blue's Clues, that's so niche. What is Blue's Clues again? It's a kid's TV show where they used to show you the clues. With a dog.

Because we're doing Hear Me Out later, and I've been going through the fucking trenches anyways. So yeah, stay tuned for that guys hear me out it's coming you've been talking about hear me out in terms of fitness

and you've been going through kids TV shows not well there's adults in some TV shows yeah you're weird

you're trying to you're trying to make it weird but actually you're weird you're weird it's like when you grow up and you're

just randomly attracted to something and you're like what is that happening or someone not something but like we moved in right and you're just randomly attracted to something and you're like, what is happening? Or someone, not something. But we moved in, right? And one of my prized possessions,

which we really had to find somewhere for in the flat, was what you very kindly got me on pitch side, which is the sign Bruno T-shirt frame. And it's just sitting nicely on our table and dust kept gathering underneath it. I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? I kept wiping it away. And then eventually I realised in the frame, there's a hole. I'm like what the fuck is this shit i kept wiping it away and then eventually i realized in the frame there's like a hole i'm like what and i look there's like more lots of holes i'm like what the fuck is this and i realized there's something inside the frame

that's eating it eating the glass not the shirt the shirt's fine but down inside the frame it's sawdust that's a quarter landed i got like tiny tiny termites. I don't know what it is. So I was like, what the fuck do I do? So I've been trying to hoover the frame. Holes are in what? The glass or the wood? The wood.

Oh, it's termites. Yeah. Have you seen what a queen termite looks like, by the way? Yeah, no. I saw it the other day. We have seen it. It's fucking massive. Mate, wait until you see it.

It is massive. I've been like, fucking these little pricks are destroying my prized possession. And you can't just get a new frame because on the back, it's like the certificate and everything it's like you can you can you get it reframed yeah and you can take the certificate with you to the framing yeah but it's like glued on the back no you'd be able to make trust me they're good at their job they'll be able

to reframe it anyways this little prick is destroying me prize possession so i've got the spray and i can't stop them and anyways the other day i was making somewhere and i was like finally i've caught the bastard i've got a pair of other day I was making something and I was like, finally, I've caught the bastard. I've got a pair of scissors and his little head, it was as if he was mocking me. He was like, see where I was at.

His little head peeping out one of the holes. Did he look a bit like you? Yeah, could you talk to him? So I stabbed him with the scissors, right? Not enough to kill him because I want him to feel the pain.

The little prick. Yeah, mate, look at the queen termite there. It's fucking huge. So they're all regular sized termites alongside it. I don't think that's it. I think it's like a woodworm. Or maybe it's a woodworm, but I'm just talking at the queen termite there. It's fucking huge. So they're all regular-sized termites alongside it. I don't think that's it. I think it's like a woodworm.

Or maybe it's a woodworm, but I'm just talking about a queen termite. They're massive. It just makes me feel so fucking... Pull that shit up, Jamie. Wait, Luke, did you stab it with the scissor or did you scissor it? I sort of stuck it into it a little bit to get it out.

Have you got it or what? Yeah, I'm trying to find... But then... But now I've just done... Fucking hell, Keith! How do you find the picture? It's in the WhatsApp. You send it to me.

You ready? You can see his little antenna. I've got, I've got woodworms and I don't know what I do, essentially. How many, is there only one?

Is there multiple? Is there a family? The sawdust is still appearing after I killed him. Oh, is it? I poured bleach on him. Oh, wait, so you're just going to ruin your team?

Yeah, that is what it is. Yeah. I poured bleach on him. Oh, wait. So you're just going to ruin your tea? Yeah, that is what it is. Yeah? I poured bleach on him. Look, so he's digging all these little holes. No, not that. It's not that. It looks different, but it's digging like little channels

inside me fucking frame. Lou, you need to call in the pesticide people, don't you? Look at him with the ugly sack, the fucking minging twat. Not him. But Lou, do you know what? I need to question it.

You're living in somewhere which has woodworms. Woodworms. Lou, do you know I need to question it? Like, you're living in somewhere which has woodworms. Woodworms. Yeah, I've got woodworms. Does that not make you feel like you've got the heebie-jeebies at night? Yeah, it gives me big heebie-jeebies.

Wait, but you got that from the room or it was already in the frame? That was the original one I got. I don't know what's happened in like storage somewhere when it's coming through, but at some point

I've acquired a woodworm. There's a family living in the Joe Linton shirt. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's Bruno G, not Joe Linton. Yeah, it was fucking little twat, so I don't know what that's what my... How are you going to get them out, Lou? That's the question. I've got the sprayer, been rubbing it on them, but they don't give a shit.

They're mocking me at the moment. Maybe you need to lay out food as a trap. Well, they eat wood. Put your cock in it. What would you do? I'd put my cock in it. What would you do? Have you never had woodworms? No. Me personally?

Yeah. Or just go and get it reframed and stop crying about it, to be honest. It's a hassle. Yeah, that's actually quite a smart way of doing it. Then smash the wood up and then you can really see how many you've got in there.

That's what I really want to see and I want to set them all on fire. Yeah, imagine you crack it open and they go, ahhh! They go, what are they? What are they? They're car! them all on fire yeah imagine it imagine you crack it open they go they go why nervous that's a good impression thanks mate for doing it well cool right uh should we do our um are we are we doing it straight away i want to get straight into this yeah i think we should do this i think

this might be the most amount of time anyone spent on prep for the show. Yeah, so we're doing our top five hear me outs. So everyone should know what hear me out is. You shouldn't really have to give a description of why. No, you don't need to describe hear me outs. Yeah, you don't have to describe them. You just got to give them. And I'm sure producer Matt will get them up as we say them.

Yeah. I did struggle with this a lot. I've got eight. Do you know what's really annoying? You've got six. I've got six. I've got six. I've got six. I've got six.

What would be really annoying is if someone says another one of somebody else's and then you go, oh, that's my limelight ruined. Right. Well, I wanted to put Gabby Logan in, but apparently she's not here. She's not here to hit me out. She's just-

Yeah, Theo doesn't understand me. Who remembers the UK Shameless? Yeah, with Nicholas Holt. No, that was Skins, wasn't it? That's Skins. Type in Monica Gallagher. Who's Monica Gallagher? UK Shameless, Monica Gallagher.

I feel like we're going down a very different route. She's not a hear-me-out, is she? Yeah, she's rough in this. She's just a lady. No, no, look at that picture. Yeah, she's rough in this. Hey, the little thong strap, you know. And look at that picture yeah she's roughing beautiful

hey the little thong strap you know and look at the one with the white top she's just slagging this mate honestly she's an absolute tart she's a bit older

I think that's a decent one yeah go on keep going I've got a lot worse than that is what my concern is I mean mine are mine are actually jokey

no no no I'm starting serious then mine get weird. French and Saunders? Yeah. Both of them? Yeah, at the same time. Who's French and Saunders?

I knew you wouldn't know who they were. It's a bit younger, isn't it? These pair. Oh, yeah. Oh, Vicar of Dibley. I think Jennifer Saunders is... And she's the fairy godmother

in Shrek as well. That could have been a good one. Right. Next up, the woman from Tom and Jerry. You never see her face. You only ever see her ass. You're obsessed with her, you know. Mate, that's what I'm saying. Her ass is fucking big though, isn't it?

Thomas! Oh, yeah. The agenda, like... Oh, my God, maybe you do see her face. Wait, you never see... Ed, you never see her face. How have they got a face? There she is, Tom.

That can't be right. They've never shown that. They've never shorn that Finally I know What she looks like Yeah That must be on a different That must be That's the one I'm on about

That's what you normally see Yeah I'll fucking have a bit of that Right next up She's got She's got fucking Right angled ankles What's that about?

No that's her slippers You don't need to Tuck this one in Because everyone knows Who it is She's got fucking Stitches in her legs Skylar from Breaking Bad That's another one What's that about? No, that's the slippers. You don't need to type this one in because everyone knows who it is. She's got fucking stitches in her legs. Sky, Love and Breaking Bad.

That's another one. These aren't really human. No, these are just women. Right, next up, Dot from A Bug's Life. Brilliant. You love that show so much. A fucking one-year-old bug. No, A Bug's Life, not Bug's... There.

Weird, weird, weird, weird, weird. She's a one-year-old. Wait a second. That's a baby. Mate, that's a baby. Wait a second. Also, wait, wait, wait, wait. She's a one year old. Wait a second. That's a baby. Mate, that's a baby. Wait a second. Also, she's a princess too. She's fucking three years old.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. Wait, wait, this film was out in 2001. It's now 2024. She's at least 25. Judging by how long Ant's life.

Not a time though. I'd say she's way younger than three years old, bro. Mate, she is so young. She's a baby. I'd say she's way younger than three years old. She's so young. She's a baby. If anything, I reckon she's a couple of days old. She's a rocket. You can't see it though, don't you? Not now.

As far as the Ant score. Me and Orca. Then I've also got the Queen. And then finally, Patty and Selma. Typing Patty and Selma. Rough and ready, mate. Who's Patty and Selma? Simpsons.

Oh, Tom. get the one of them smoking there yeah that one oh Tom yeah that's like you've been out on a long night it's five

o'clock in the morning well both of ya I went down a very different route yeah you went down a bit of the mine are all fairly jokey some are serious

you'll have to work out which is which they're all serious don't hide from it you know mine are all a joke obviously I'm joking about Dot oh yeah classic I don't hide from it you know. No mine are all a joke obviously I'm joking about Dot.

Oh yeah classic. I don't know how are we just moving are we just moving past that Dot one is crazy. I knew he'd bring her up he does it every time. I knew the

the Tom and Jerry lady was coming up and I knew Dot was coming up. That's mental. Doesn't matter how many he was going to say. Also I was going to put in no I can't say that.

Okay go on. Number one Helen Keller keller who's that the murderer the murderer you know the blind and deaf murderer murderer mate wait what who what's she do how lewis how do you not remember this joke like 10 times yeah she's a good shout actually who is what's she do like she's blind and deaf she went to uni she went to uni i don't believe she's blind and deaf i think's blind and deaf. She went to uni. She went to uni. I don't believe she's blind and deaf. I think she's playing on it. Number two, Jigglypuff. Oh, good shout. Here comes Jiggly. Oh, that's not bad.

Is she a baby as well? It's Pokemon, mate. They never really aged. They evolved, mate. And also Pikachu's another shout for that. That's a boy, no? No, it's Pika Pika. That's a boy. Pikachu's a boy, no? I don't boy no no it's Pika Pika that's a boy

Pikachu's a boy no I don't really know if it's a boy I'm just saying well from what I understand your preference is a female yeah but who cares I've got blokes on here

I've got blokes mate my next one's a bloke I've got Kratos from God of War that would be who I'd love to see you and him at it in the sheets like

fucking hell Reeve I didn't know you were into that kind of that that's a bit aggressive so who's taking it that's not a very jokey one to be honest Reeve that's a bit worrying

is that a serious one we'll have to work it out get one with his muscles out we can see his muscles there Lou next one oh look at that Raz from Monsters Inc which one's Raz

oh no way is this the lizard one oh my god if this is the lizard one? Oh, my God. If this is the lizard one. Is it Roz? Oh! Mate, it's a sluggo. Mike Wazowski.

Oh, he should have put... Oh, she's disgusting. That is not even here we are. Rave McGee. Do you know what I wonder? Underneath, like, her, like, body, I guess, or face,

like, what is that? Is that where her hole is? Lewis. Lewis. That would be where her... If she was to breathe, it would be there, wouldn't it? There'd be just a big... The weasel.

The weasel. The pigeon woman from Home Alone 2. The pigeon? That's not what I hear me out. She hasn't had a shower-o. Oh. I don't remember this. Jesus Christ. Mate, it's fucking Piers Morgan, mate. It's P a hear me out. She hasn't had a shower-o. Oh. I don't remember this. Jesus Christ.

Mate, it's fucking Piers Morgan, mate. It's Piers Morgan. It's Piers Morgan. It's Piers. Oh, you dirty bastard. Drop me the goal, you to go. Okay, okay. We have to work out which one's a serious and which one's a joke.

I'm really getting to know what you're sort of into. What jigglypuff? Basically fat men. Muscular men. Right, I've got Layla from Futurama. She's just big. Mate, she's a one-eyed alien. She's not understood the assignment.

She has three tits. She's literally the love interest of the entire show. Wait, is this a Mandela effect? I'm sure she had three tits. No. Did she have three tits? No. She's got one eye.

She's an alien. She has one eye and three tits. We. Did she have three tits? No. She's got one eye. She's an alien. She had one eye and three tits. We were sat upstairs and you were naming like Hollywood actresses. Cameron Diaz. If you want to hear me out, it's that octopus one

because he'd give you some crazy sloppy. What, doctor thing imaging? Yeah, imagine a board. I'll be fucking mad. Imagine me eating your ass.

Oh my God. See him instead no I'm putting my mind 3-0-4-1 I've actually fit people Martha from Baby Reindeer yeah nice

oh shit I forgot one of mine I'll do mine at the end are you are you fucking gay that is actually a good show a bit of the crazy you know

it's a bit exciting yeah I've got a similar one to that now wait the real one or the film the show though because the real one I think the show one no no no the show one. It's a bit exciting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a similar one to that. Now, wait, the real one or the film, the show though? Because the real one

is like... I think the show one. No, no, no, the show one. The show one, yeah. The show's a great actress. She's incredible. Yeah. Jessica Gunning, isn't it?

Oh, okay. Reaching now. All right, mate. Reaching? Come on. Come on. The Red M&M, I think his vibes are pretty cool.

You're literally just borrowing what other people said. Yeah, that's a bit cringe. This is why I told you off. You shouldn just borrowing what other people said. Yeah, that's a bit cringe. This is why I told you off. You shouldn't have been speaking about it. Yeah, that is a bit cringe. But also at the same time you can see it. Well, again, he's just pretty,

no, no, that's a good one. I'll give you that. Mary Berry. Another one you've just copied from them upstairs. No, it isn't. Yeah, it is. No, it's not. Also, she is not a hear me out really.

She's just attractive. Oh. She's an old woman, but she's- Type in young Mary Berry. I want to see her young though. Yeah, it is. Also, she is not a hear-me-out, really. She's just attractive. She's an old woman, but she's... Type in young Mary Berry. I want to see her young. Yeah, exactly. Mate, that picture's crazy. Oh, my God. She was a rocket.

Oh, she looks like she's fucking a bit stern. You can't have that one. You compare that and Kratos. Come on, man. Is that your final one? No, I've got Gavin's mum. Gavin and Stacey. Oh, that's a good shout, actually.

Yeah, she's fit. Tom! Wait, the blonde one? Yeah, her mum. His mum. How are you saying that's alright but then Monica Gallagher's an issue? I think she's already fit though

but I disagree that that's a hear me out. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? He's just picking fit people. Yeah. You have to pick some fitties. I'll pick Piers Morgan. Gloria from Madagascar.

Yeah. She's a hippopotamus. Yeah. She's literally a hippopotamus. I'll give him that. She is fit though. Yeah, I'll give you that one. She's got,

oh, look at that. She's a female protagonist, bro. Look at that. She's got raw sex appeal. She's a hippo. Oh, do that one where she's got bikini on. I don't know what it is with animals, but when you put clothes on them, all of a sudden it seems dirtier. She's a female protagonist, bro. Look at that. She's got raw sex appeal. She's a hippo! Oh, do that one where she's got bikini on. I don't know what it is with animals, but when you put clothes on them,

all of a sudden it seems dirtier. She's got crabs. It's a crab, mate. The one I forgot was Carrie from The Inbetweeners. Oh, Big Kez. Big Kez. Let's see that. Although she is actually quite attractive.

She is attractive. Stop with The Inbetweeners, Kyle. Right. You brought up the fucking Inbetweeners. By the way, my list is fucking classic. No, because you-betweeners, Coy. Right. You brought up the fucking in-betweeners. By the way, my list is fucking class. No, because you've actually put time and effort into this. We're just messing around. I did it for about,

I only put five minutes into this, it's easy. Number one, meet my girlfriend. I'll put in Doris from Shrek. Jolly. What? Doris? Who's Doris? Now, if you want someone who's like manly,

I'm gonna dominate you. Nah, that's not him, yeah. The ugly stepsisters. If you want to be dominated. Nah, that's not him. What, the ugly stepsisters? If you want to be dominated... Yeah, I'd pick Kratos for that reason, man. Doris for Shrek is that... I'd actually prefer Kratos over that person.

At least you know you're getting dominated. So I'm going to put in also Miss Trunchbull. No way. Oh, no way. That's just too far the other way.

I love how Lewis prefaced this with I've cooked. I've cooked. That's too far the other way. Look at her. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, mate. That's not him, y'all, man. Yeah. how Lewis prefaces this with, I've cooked. I've cooked. That's too far the other way. Look at her. Jesus fucking Christ, mate.

That's what came out, man. Yeah. Oh my God. She's like a fucking bodybuilder. Although I would have a suck on them. You know the... I'm going to go with Sandy from SpongeBob. Nah. Type this in.

Watch this. I thought you were going to say grease. Watch this. She's already... Click on that bikini one. Nah, she's already hot though, man. You can't do that. Click on that bikini one no she's already hot though man you can't do that click on that bikini bottom one now i'll feel like we can give him that of course you can give me that sandy was the one who everyone wanted no i was uh i was gonna put her in mind but then i thought she's too attractive to be a

she's literally a rat she's a squirrel i've never seen sponge what okay wait what it doesn't matter because you can tell that she's squirrelirrel. Look at the fucking picture. I've seen like one episode. Right. You've never seen Team America. You've never seen Gladiator.

You've never seen SpongeBob. What did you grow up on? Premier League. Right. This one. Right. This one I want to

preface just a little bit with. Imagine it's like a winter's morning. It's cold. The heating's broken. Okay. So today then?

It's really cold chilly morning. Can you type in bear in the big blue house? Oh my God. That can't run. You want to fuck the bear? No, look.

He's so cozy, mate. Yeah, but he's actually... That's not Hear Me Out. Yes, it is Hear Me Out. You just typed in TV's kids shows and just chose a character. You just typed in moderately attractive women and selected them all.

Mine's... My last one is my favourite by far. He's a giant cuddly bear. Yeah. Is that Hear Me Out? that's not a hear me out I think it is nah right this one definitely is

I'd love to be a little spoon if you know you know from the series because this person has a silky voice the octopus from the boys watch this oh yeah

mate when this when this girl is like talking to the Aquaman guy oh yeah I fucking would like that's probably

your best one actually. I mean, it's my favourite by far. Typing fees from the tweenies. No, no, no. No, but that bit,

you should hear the octopus, the way she's like flirting with him and like talking. It's like, come, come here. Oh, no,

she gave me nightmares. Tom, Tom. You telling me you wouldn't fucking Tom, she's seven. What about Jake? In the mohawk.

Right. Let us know who you think had the best hear me out. It's seven. What about Jake? With the mohawk. Right. Let us know who you think had the best hear me out. It's obviously mine. Yours was, yours were too attractive. I did have like, do you know,

Miss, Miss, Miss Hooli from Balamore. Oh, that is a good shout. It's your teacher, isn't it? You know,

I actually have a confession about this show. Don't say what I think you're going to say. Go on. You know the theme tune? Mm-hmm. I had it stuck on my

head for about five years. Oh. I thought you were going to say something. I thought you were going to say something. What a crazy confession. I couldn't get it out

of my head. Who wants to hear I can make my world come true? Phil and Ben? Yeah. The best. What's my thing

that called again? Biggest butterfly, flutter, flutter. Now, I can't take all credit for this one. The best. What's my thing that called again? Baker's Butterfly. Flutter, flutter. Now, I can't take all credit for this one. Just like to hear me out, Steve. Because... He nabbed him. He's bald and red and I want him to die.

It's time for Baker's Butterfly. Yeah, good. That's very good. Well done, mate. That's very good. Suspended with immediate effect. That's crazy. We're doing this podcast, mate.

What did I just sing? He's bald. He's red. He's ready to die. No, I want him to die. Oh. That's good. This one's good.

You like that one, don't you? And you're in a red chair. Have you actually prepared it this time? Do you like the theme song? I feel like he's just going to be reading it from the internet. Theo, do you like the theme song? I love it. That's my favourite theme song I've ever done in my life.

You're going to be laughing. Are you researching it as we speak do you want to get the thing open so you can read are you on reddit right now no I've got a

screenshot I don't think the screenshot everything but anyways right so so Tom you know

how recently you've just seemed to be bumping into these people with like things up their ass

I've got another one by the way okay yeah good well it happened again Tom an incident occurred in 1985

when someone was found with a beer bottle up his arse. And do you know what this caused? He had his head stuck. He's in a bottle bank. This caused... Arse raped 18 times. This caused the disillusion of Yugoslavia. Disillusion?

Yeah, like the breakup of Yugoslavia. Oh, okay. About having a bottle with his arse. That's not a disillusion. I don't think that's right. The breakup. The desolation? The disillusion?

The breakup. The breakup. Jesus. The breakup. Desolution. No, disillusion is the right answer. It's the right word. You said disillusion.

Disillusion. No, that's not what you said. You said disillusion. Disillusion. No, that's not what you said. You said disillusion. Whatever. This bottle so far up his ass, it caused the dissolution of Yugoslavia. You've said it again. Who was he?

The breakup. So. Come on, I'm listening. This is going to be good. Dorday Martinovich is the guy. Yeah. He's the man that had the bottle i do the serious lights for this yeah do serious lights in may 1985 like a single spotlight on him

the serbian farmer from kosovo obviously previously how can it be a serbian farmer from kosovo because he's a serbian farmer living in kosovo it's's all part of Yugoslavia and it's a very touchy subject. Is it? What is Yugoslavia? It's the old, it used to be like loads of countries together. Yeah. And they broke up and they're all like different countries now. Name. So this Serbian farmer who was living in Kosovo called Dordej Martinovic.

Okay. Martinovic claimed that he was attacked by two Albanian men who forced a broken beer bottle up his arse. Wait, who was it? Why did they put it up his arse? Well. To kill him or to pleasure him? Well, they put it up his arse.

Wow. Full bottle. They were trying to, they attacked him. They attacked him with a beer bottle. Full one or empty bottle? No, the broken one. If you could attack him with a beer bottle, that's not the way you'd do it. Well, I think what happened was

what I'm getting from here is they shoved the bottle up his arse and then like made him tickle him

and then his arse broke the bottle does it sound like an attack to me so two men have came in

and this what's this guy's name Dorday so he's already so they're bent over no no they

bent him over and shoved this beer bottle up his arse yeah it doesn't sound like an attack. No, no, they bent him over and shoved his beer bottle Yeah, it doesn't sound like an attack to me. Oh, no, Dord. Please don't put the corona up my arse. Dorday, more like

Sorday, right? Keep that in mind. Keep that in mind, Tom. Oh, my God. Anyways, this was a big issue. Okay. Because obviously

there's a Serbian man living in Kosovo. This incident became a cause of salabre. What were the countries in Yugoslavia? Serbia, Kosovo, Czechoslovakia. What's the problem with that? They're all still in Yugoslavia then, no?

No, Yugoslavia doesn't exist. No, but back in this point in time. Yeah, but... Yeah, he's saying right now, yeah, it's like Croatia, Macedonia, Serbia, Bosnia. I know, but if he's from Kosovo, then surely they're all from Yugoslavia, no? No, yeah, but Kosovo is still an area. Kosovo is now its own country.

That's why there was so much political diversity. So, Dordier's got his ass cut open by the bottle because he tickled it. He clinched Sorda in more like glass. Dordier, more like Dordgate because he put a bottle up his ass. Well, you don't know that he did it himself the two bloke did it to him exactly as an attack not as pleasure anyways this incident caused a lot of problems in serbian politics and played a significant role in worsening ethnic tensions between the kosovo serbs and albanian population was he the prime

minister where were the people from who did it to him? They were from Albania. Ah, I see. You should have said that at the start. And this guy was just like a random farmer and he's just been done in with a bottle in his arse. That's been done in

by a couple of Albanians with a beer bottle in his arse. Yeah, there's something going on here. There's something fishy going on. However, the facts of this incident remain in dispute for many years, with some claiming...

He did it to himself. ...that Martinovich had actually self-inflicted the bottle up his arse. Right, so he shoved a bottle up his arse and got caught. Yeah, yeah. That's where I was going with it. The official conclusion was, from this case, was that Dorday had actually injured himself

during masturbation. He shoved the bottle up his arse and clenched and the bottle broke. So he was actually there with the bottle up his arse wanking

and then whilst he came he clenched and that broke the bottle. Was he sat on a washing machine with some ice? That was the official run. However, another however, double however. This was then disputed by medical experts

who found no evidence of self-inflation. We can't go one episode with that. The Dorda Martinovic affair fuelled a newly growing nationalist movement in Serbia. This caused the movement. Oh, no, because two Albanian men attacked a Serbian bloke. That's why it caused issues. But they're saying they didn't.

But they're saying they did. Yeah, but the politics are politics, man. Who are you going to believe, you know? Anyways, this ultimately led to the dissolution of Yugoslavia in 1991. What's saying the dissolution of Yugoslavia in 1991. What's that, the dissolution? Stop the word. Despite the controversy surrounding the incident, no one was accused or prosecuted for the alleged beer up the arse on Martinovich.

Beer up the arse. The case highlighted the growing ethnic tensions between Kosovo and contributed to the political instability that eventually led to the breakup of Yugoslavia. One bottle ruined. So it contributed, it didn't lead to, as you first said.

Let me reread that a second. It led to the definition of Yugoslavia. Right, yeah. I think that's a really big reach, but I like the story. That's a better one than the rest of the ones.

I like the story. It was actually sent to me. I like the story a lot. Yeah, if you buy the same guy. Now, I actually don't know the political stuff between those countries and that area,

but I know it's tense, is it? Tense? Yeah, it's... I don't know. Why are you looking at me? Yeah,

they're fucking, they all hate each other. What, over the bottle in the ass? Did he look up Dorday? Not over that, but... Dorday Masvidal.

Dorday Martinovich. Jorge Masvidal. Jorge Masvidal Jorge Masvidal had a bottle up his arse yeah let me see a picture of this guy

and I'll be able to tell you if he put it up his own arse or not he's definitely put it up his own arse

see look at that he's interrogated by Yugoslavia's people army look at that look at that man

it's crazy yeah do you know what? That's one of your better ones yet. Yeah. Damn, man. Well done, Phil. I do think it's a reach, but then again...

Did you like it because it was a bottle up his arse? Yes. I think anything sexual, you're going to get top on board quicker. And I... Well, speaking of...

The incident was widely compared with means of torture and execution. Right, okay, deal. Let's take that down, otherwise he's going to just keep reading. Let me read a poem. No, twice. Let me read a poem to you guys that came out of this incident.

With a broken bottle on a stake, as though through a lamb. It's tough in English. But alive. They went through Dorday Martinovich as if with their first and heavy steps into their future

field, they treaded. When out of the opium and pain, Dorday Martinovich came round as if from the long past Turkish times. He woke up with a bottle up his up his ass do you know do you

know when like you do english lessons and that one kid who can't read it's like fucking hell mate i just want to go on break what a special man you are go on then what have you seen with a bottle up the arse? Oh no, it's not that. I've got a story from when I was younger. Go on. He's digging in already. This is, I promise you, this is a God's honest story. I'm not going to say the guy's name. All right.

So there's a lot of weird things that happened at my school, but if you fronted it, like you wouldn't get bullied for it or taken the piss out of. So like, no, I can't say the one. Tom's turning into our very own version of Theo Vaughn. Yeah, so there was a house party the once no i can't say the one but i'm turning into our very own version of theo bond yeah so so there was it was a house party the ones and we was drinking and playing cards and that and we

were doing if you i think we're playing irish snap and it was like if you lost we'd give you like a dare to do so the one was i don't know you've got to go run up and down the street naked or and then we just hide your clothes and he's like i lock you outside he's like let me in just boys be boys you know what i mean anyway the one was um the the our mate lost and i can't i think we just said you just gotta keg yourself for like 10 seconds what does that mean just keg yourself that's not really kicking yourself just pulling you yeah basically just get your cock out yeah just a bit just a bit of bit of flanter with the lads. Anyway. Are you sure you lost?

Oh, no, I lost again. Anyway, he was like, no, no, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. We were like, fucking hell, mate. Just fucking get your cock out. Don't be boring. Just get your knob out. Whatever.

And then, so I was like, all right, if I give you an alternative, you've got to do one or the other. And he was like, all right. So I was like, what's the most ridiculous thing I can say that he won't do just so he'll have to do this? I was like, all right, if I give you an alternative, you've got to do one or the other. And he was like, all right. So I was like, what's the most ridiculous thing I can say that he won't do just so he'll have to do this? I was like, all right. Do you remember them big bottles of pop you get,

like the cheap cola bottles with lemonade? We had one of them we were using as a mixer. And I was like, all right, you've got to stick that up your ass. You've got to squat. We'll put that down. You've got to squat on it and actually sit on it until the lid goes up your arm. But he's got clothes on or is he just like.

No, no. He'd have to then. See, this is the whole. He's getting his cock out anyways. Exactly. And he was like, all right, I'll do that. Right. And we were like, no, you're not actually going to do that.

That was like a joke. And he was like, no, I'd rather do that than get my cock out. And we're like, what? And we're like, he's like, all right, you've got to hand your phones in because obviously, I think we're like, unless you've got a body We were like 16.

Anyway, oh my God, the thought of, it was got to a point where when he's about to do it, I'm like, surely actually not,

you're not actually going to do this in front of all the lads. But you were all sat there wanking. Yeah, well that was, I thought that would

have put him off. Yeah. Anyway. You're the last to take your trousers off come on so then he like squats and he's a big lad as well like tall big a really tall lad he just swallowed it and him just like the sight of him so he had to pull his trousers down anyway so we saw his cock anyway and the the sight of him his legs were shaking like a shitting dog. And he hovered. To get into the position. He hovered over this bottle, right? I don't even know if this can go in the fucking pod. Hovered over the bottle.

And like, to be honest, it barely even touched his ass, the bottle. And then he just stood up, stopped. And then I think we're all crying, laughing. And he just went white, like, like oh my god what the fuck have i actually just done why didn't i just get my car or whatever we were like crying laughing going have you actually just done that you fucking weirdo i mean no i didn't even go up his ass he kind of just like touched it with his arsehole then stood up and went oh my fucking god but it gets better the next day he used to live like 10 doors

up from me so the next day he's having like some i don't know he's taking the piss out of each other in the group chat and i was like fucking hell man like calm down otherwise we're gonna let everyone know about you sticking a bottle up your ass five minutes later knock at my door i open the door he's like no you can't please You can't fucking tell anyone about this. I'm telling everyone. I'm not going to release the guy's name. But how fucking mental is that? And all I talk about.

That doesn't even seem that bad though, because he didn't go far up his arse. He only touched a bit. But he made it worse. But we obviously would tell everyone. I thought you were going to say that he really enjoyed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would be wrong with that? He just found something out about himself.

No, yeah. So I don't even know if I can go in, because that might just be severe bullying that we did to him, mate. Everyone's had those incidents. We're like 12 years on as well. Everyone's had those incidents. I finally got over it. I thought I was free.

I won't tell the name of the guy. He's still his friend? But the thing is, no one mentions it it because he really hates it kind of thing. Oh, there you go. Well, sorry about that. If you're watching. No, people do like behind his back. That's not better.

He probably thinks everyone's for God. No. It's not quite as bad. I had a similar scenario. Actually, it's just not similar at all. Actually, don't worry. What's up in here? You did it, didn't you? Go on. No, it's just not similar at all. Actually, don't worry. What? Stop it.

You do it. Go on. No, go on. We're sharing. We were just having a sleepover, and then... It's not even funny. I don't know why I said it. Yeah, I know.

I just had sex with my mom. No, you just... You know when you fart on someone's face, but they were asleep, and my friend just like... Got pink on? Shat on his head. No, he took his pants down, his own pants down, and farted on his face got pink on. Shat on his head. No, like took his pants down. Like his own pants down and like farted in his face

but got really close to his nose. So bummer. It's like on his nose. Just farted on his face. Yeah, so you should. But with his bummer in his face. He's sniffing.

Sorry that probably can go in. No, just cut that out please. I had a mate. I still see him sometimes now. When he was in year six. He's got a never endingending supply when he's in year six stories no no it's not ass when he's in year six he used to have like really thick hair but like he's spiky but it was thick and this is god's honest truth this is not a fucking lie he used to store bogeys in his hair in his hair and would like eat them after.

That is so grim. So he let them go crispy. Yeah. That is disgusting. That is so horrendously grim. You eat your snot. You know I always thought it was a myth that people eat bogeys. Yeah, you do eat your snot.

I said I have done. You always eat your snot. It's not true. You know what you did in that taxi as well. Guys, guys, guys. You know what? You guys don't actually eat bogeys though. I have done. I used to as a child, yeah.? You guys don't actually eat bogeys though, right? I have done, yeah.

I used to as a child, yeah. This guy in the taxi home when we were in Dublin, right? Is that weird? I think more kids in the UK probably eat their own bogeys. It's not that weird. I honestly thought it was like a ha-ha. Loads of children eat their own bogeys. All the time, man.

Yeah, it's not that weird. Why would you eat a bogey, though? It's disgusting. It used to taste nice. I used to fucking pick and eat my scabs. Oh, that's horrendous. That is so grim. That is absolutely...

I don't care. I really don't. Do you think I care? There's a video of me wanking my mate off online. There's the teacher. No one's there, bro. No one's there. Yeah.

Oh, there's 10 of you here behind me. Yeah, I used to pick and eat my scabs. You still do eat your snots. I don't. I've seen you, mate. Snots? I honestly don't. Is that what you call bogeys?

Do you remember? You were there in Dublin where we were in the taxi and he was picking his nose and wiping it on the door. So that's not me eating it, is it? It's fucking bigger. I wipe them everywhere.

Secretly, I wipe them. If you look under my seat, there'll be loads. Oh, I did. You know, you met my mate Josh, ain't you? Tall, lanky Josh. I did.

He did eat one of my bogeys once on a night out. Class that. That is so grim not even for money with a knife and fork no I just meant sometimes I'm one of them

days where like you just stop talking yeah I need to stop revealing things right let me let me bring my uncle used to touch me back to some

some science baby we're going less philosophy today and more questions about life Scientology yeah maybe question about life

very nice is this deep side it can be also Luke this whole purple light and shit let's change it yeah good

very good alright guys very constructive yeah I don't know about you but your whole head was purple

I don't care doesn't look great for TikToks you can just put it in a more polite way you know someone watching this might have put many hours into setting that up. You can just put it in a more polite way. You know, someone watching this might have put many hours

into setting that up and you've just said it's shit in front of thousands of people. Well, yeah, as it should be. You don't want to tell them it's a good job, do you? I think they've done

a very good job. Yeah, but the purple lighting directly on Tom's head. So this is how Theo treats those who he deems being beneath him. Yeah.

He doesn't respect them and he treats them like this. Yep. Shalom, Jackie. Shalom. Have you watched that new series, Nobody Wants Us on Netflix? Really good.

Little rom-com? I've seen the Zodiac Killer one. It was definitely... Don't ruin it. I've not seen it. It was just definitely the bloke that everyone thought it was. Yeah.

Essentially. You kind of listen to it as like... It's quite obvious. Do you know what I don't get about? Sorry to interrupt, but do you know what I don't get about the law? The fact that you can look at someone's height, right?

You obviously fucking did it. But it's like, oh, we don't have the thing. It's him. They found a bomb and he's out. What have you got bombs in your house? He used to do code solving puzzles with his class at school. He made his grandkids create scuba gear from,

which was the exact same outfit as the fucking Zodiac killer. I just asked you not to ruin it. Oh, shut up. It's been out like a mum. It's known information as well. Yeah. Anyways.

All right. Thanks. If we had a transporter that could recreate you atom by atom on Mars, but your body on Earth here dies, would you use it? Wait, say that again.

Why would we go to Mars? There's nothing there. Say that again, sorry. Well, we're going into planetary eventually, aren't we? Mate, come on. Say it again. What are you on about? Mate, what are you on about?

You'll be the first person on Mars. Yeah, what are you going to do there? You're going to die. You're fucking five years away from Earth. You're stuck there. You've got no space. Yeah, so if we had a transport that could recreate you atom by atom

on Mars, but the body you have now on Earth would die, would you use it? So basically, if I could live on Mars if I wanted to, would I do it? But you're on your own, mate. Do others get this choice? Probably not at this stage, no. You're on your own in Mars and you're dead on Earth. Even to extend this

as like a... That's not even like... That might be one of the dumbest questions you've ever asked. The fact that you think that's a dumb question actually reflects more on you than it does me. You're dead. Whoa! Because you would be the first person ever to be remembered. But you're dead in Earth.

You're dead. Yes, but think about the legacy that you would leave. But you're stuck in Mars. It depends if you value life now more than being remembered forever. That's the question. This is actually unrealistic. When the first people go to Mars, it's very likely that they will stay there. Because the diagrams of the mission to Mars is,

you go there and they have ideas of how it would go, but you'd actually grow life there. But Lewis Reeves is saying no one else can do that. It's just you. No, you'd be the first one, but... How long do you got to wait? What? Until someone else comes.

I don't know. Let's say 10 days, 20 days. So it's quite quick then. Yeah, you're not going to be left there alone forever. Yeah, I mean... Do you know what? Honestly... The point is really, would you forever want to be remembered

as the first person on Mars, but your body on Earth is dead? That isn't how I'm thinking of it. I'm thinking, imagine the peace and tranquility you'd have. Fucking whinging all the fucking time from people. Who are you referring to? Just people. That's nasty.

Just fucking, oh, you mean I can just be left alone? I can just scroll on my phone for the rest of my life? You can't though, Tom, can you? There's no signal. Oh, yes! There's no signal. I can just sit and play. There's no Wi- my phone for the rest of my life. But you can't though, Tom, can you? There's no signal. Oh, yes! There's no signal. I can just sit and play. Tom, there's no Wi-Fi. There's Starlink.

No, they'll sort that out for you. There's no Wi-Fi. I can just sit there. Starlink can't get into Mars, mate. I can just sit there, watch footy. You can't. Buy FPL. You can't.

Buy FPL. Can't. Bet. Can't. Bet on the Mars horse racing. There's no Mars horses. Just drink Mars beer. There's no Mars beer.

Oh, my God. Send me there now. The telly's about to go off, by the way. You are on an empty rock. Yeah. That'll do me. What are you going to do? Just stare into space all day?

They're actually starting to think that there's aliens, but under the crust. So like there's water channels underneath Mars because that water that was on, because Mars used to be like Earth. Yeah.

But that water had to go somewhere and they think it's actually went into water channels underneath. Oh, there's fish aliens. And this could be like, yeah into water channels underneath oh there's fish aliens and this could be like yeah no they think there's underwater aliens you could also

break the question down a little more with the whole ship of Theseus thing that we did so because it's atom by atom you would be

teleported are you actually the same person when you go across fuck off Rafe it's your question. That was so unnecessary. He can't pronounce it, that's why.

Oh, shut up. Shut up. That one guy in the afters who's trying to get like a really deep sound. No, I like that. Can I bring my mighty sound? What about if you take that question and you make it like... This is the whole point of philosophy. Yeah.

Next time I'll say, I've already done that. It's a hotdog. Do you want to be an orange or an apple? Yeah, exactly. No, that's a good one. But if you made it like- There we go.

The level of like, what's your favorite letter of the alphabet? And if you could be one, which one would you be? Oh. T. I think I'd be, oh, F. F.

I like a V. T. I can't believe it. T is good. I thought we were really- T is good actually. I thought we were growing it guys. I thought we V. T. I can't believe it. T is good. I thought we were growing it, guys. I thought we were working out how much we value legacy, etc.

Rather than... No, I think if you make it like... So can we change it to like if you're on that first mission at Mars, so you're going with like a collective, but you're going on that mission and you're staying there. So you will have a life.

Reshape the question you're just completely you're just completely ignoring what you said there no because yours is like I'm there what's that mean I'm just stood there

in the cold looking about in a space suit you don't even get to enjoy the journey that means would you rather die or live

is kind of the current one can I ask you don't get to enjoy the journey right well no there is no journey so what's more important the journey or the destination

in this scenario it's the destination the destination is shit because you're on your own. I like being on my own though. Yeah, but also... Are you going to talk to him? I don't know.

I don't know if I'd be on the first Mars. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, but I mean, we could pose that as a dating question. Because that is something that will happen.

If given the offer, would you want to be the first person or a first group of people to go to Mars? So you go there, but you know... No, think about it deeply.

You think you're gone there and you know you're never coming back and you won't ever see your family again. You'll never see your family again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send me now.

What's the name of the first guy on the moon? Neil. Neil what? Neil Armstrong. Everyone knows it. And Buzz Aldrin. Yeah, exactly.

Do you remember the second guy? Yeah, we do. Yeah, but not many people know Buzz Aldrin. Everyone knows Buzz Aldrin. Not as much as Lance Armstrong and Neil Armstrong. Oh! Oh, man! I got laughed at Not many people know Buzz Aldrin. Everyone knows Buzz Aldrin. Not as much as Lance Armstrong. And Neil Armstrong.

Oh, man. I got laughed at for posing the question. You fucking said Lance Armstrong. You're an idiot. God forbid I name one word wrong. You're an idiot. At least you said Neil Armstrong five years ago. You'd have to repopulate Mars.

But like, you're accepting that you're going to have a worse life. You have to start the repopulation. But also, if and when we become multi-planetary lewis bowden will be the first name that everyone remembers yeah everyone would know me for thousands of maybe millions of years you'd finally be the main character i've got an unpopular opinion here so like the armstrong is that everyone knows him because he's like when the moon but realistically there wasn't much internet happening i think you're all news after like three days now. I really agree.

If you're the first on Mars, I was thinking about this the other day. I think the first person on Mars is already like, it's a bit less interesting because before when we sent them to, when they sent them to the moon. What was the guy's name who jumped out of that thing? Felix Baumgartner. There you go. Yeah.

Quickly, that guy who went to the, when they went to the moon, they didn't know if they were just going to like die. Like they put them in quarantine when they came back. They thought space was a lot more unknown than it is now. Now we know they'll be all right.

They're just going to land on a big fucking rock and just chill there. No, we don't know Mars that well. And also, before with the moon, we'd never seen, sent probes there.

We haven't had anything there. Mars already has probes. We already have pictures. We already have rocks. We know shit. It's a bit boring. They sent have pictures. We already have rocks. We know shit. It's a bit boring. They're sending a colony to the moon to do research and that.

Darkseid, right? With the Egyptians. Yeah, they're doing... No, they are... And they're walking across it. Yeah. Going to hike. You think that...

I'm saying there's a lot less on the line. The next step of human evolution, which would be to go multi-planetary, that if you were the first person on Mars, you would be old news quickly.

That is crazy. That is stupid. There's a lot There's a lot more We already know what it looks like from the surface. It's not like a viral video.

Yeah, mate. It'd be the biggest moment in human history ever. Ever. I know, but like a week later everyone's just cracking up with their lives

and I'm just stuck up on the rock. It's not true. No, Moon is not bigger than Mars. If you look at modern technology I think Moon will be more impressive than Mars. If we descend to another planet... Moving to another planet is way more...

Oh, you've got to actually physically move it. That's the whole conversation, Theo. I thought he was just referring to being the first. To live there? The first person to live there. The first person to be a Mars resident. I don't think it'd be very fun to live there after a while. I think it'd be really shit.

Do you know what? If you could choose one person, you'd blend in anyway. Yeah, but that's not the point. It would be shit because it'd be incredibly lonely and obviously it's you on a planet on your own. How about this?

You'd be camouflaged. But Theo Baker would be forever remembered in human history. I'm going to be forever remembered anyway. You're not, mate. If you could send one person from the human race and you don't have a choice. None of us are going to be remembered in long-term human history. I'm going to be forever remembered anyway. You're not, mate. If you could send one person from the human race and you don't have a choice. None of us are going to be

remembered in long-term human history. Trust me. I'm only just getting started. No, no. I promise you now, none of us are going to be remembered in long-term

human history. I'm going to have six podcasts by the time I'm 50. Not a single person in 150 years' time is going to remember Lewis Bone and Tom Garrett. I reckon my family might.

You don't know what I've got planned for how I get killed. Okay, right. Or do the killing. But if you could send one person from the human race. You don't know what I've got planned for how I get killed. Okay, right. Or do the killing. But if you could send one person from the human race... You've heard of Jack the Ripper?

What are you? You're here. You're here. Well, you aren't here because you'll be... Jack the Ripper? Jack the Ripper. They don't even know

if he's called Jack as well. So it's like... Is he remembered? If you could send one person from the human race, who would you send? To where? Tony Poole.

You have no choice. You've just got to send them. They're the sole person who's going to represent humans. Genuinely you to Mars, 100%. Can you imagine if you... It should be Elon Musk, really, shouldn't it? I think you send, like, Kyson out or something. He likes his stream.

Kyson out doing his stream. Imagine him doing his Mars streams. He won't. He's an engineer, Will. Yeah, he'd be fucking loving it. I'd send... Who's that real... Who's the physician?

Brian Cox. No, the Neil deGrasse Tyson. I send him. He does my tits in him. Or Brian Cox, yeah. Brian Cox. I really like Brian Cox. Someone that has an understanding of where they are would be cool.

I think we need Brian Cox on this pod, by the way. Imagine him being here and just telling us. He would agree with so much space stuff I've told you. I don't think you'd understand. Do you reckon if I said that philosophy again and Brian Cox was here, he'd go, oh, fuck off. Well, yeah, because he'd say what you said.

He would say, well, you can't just transport like that, can you? That's the whole point of philosophy. He'd say you're wrong. No, he wouldn't. I think he'd probably understand the question. But also, I don't think our audience would like us having a serious, intelligent bloke. I think they'd like that. I think they'd probably understand the question. But also, I don't think our audience would like us having a serious, intelligent bloke. I think they'd like that.

I think they'd like it. Because we'd ask the questions they want to know. Our whole podcast is for fucking idiots. No, but we're trying to figure out life at the same time. No, we're not. We've done no... You tell us stories about fish with air. What's that figuring out?

You tell me it's not real. What do you think you're going to find on Mars, mate, under the crust? Since we've started this podcast, I reckon, in terms of knowledge that we've gained from the pod, has regressed. The emu war got worse. No way, I've got well smarter. Mate, look at all the stuff that we've learned about. I've got well cleverer since then.

We've got an encyclopedia here. Do you know what's funny? I'm actually really smart. Yeah, we know, but... You are a smart fella. Or a fart smeller. You're a cunning linguist. A what?

Is he smart, by the way? No, Theo's not smart. We still need to do the IQ test. Yeah. Probably the second smartest in the room. Okay, well, final answers then. In fact, not even probably. I definitely am the second smartest in this room.

I love space, but I think I'd be a bit bored. Academically or... Everything. No, you're not. I love space, but I think I'd be a bit bored. Academically or... Everything. No, you're not, mate. Street smart. Probably. Yeah, thank you. Maybe.

Street smart. Everything's smart. There's different levels of smart to this, man. I'd argue, by the way, if you were truly smart, you would not say, I'm smart at everything. You'd be clever enough to know you're weak at smart. Almost academically smart, though. Yeah.

If we had a quiz, I'd beat you. But that's memory. That's funny because we have quiz every week. That's funny. We have a quiz every week and you don't win. Knowledge retention though. That's not really like...

Which is the whole... What? The fact that you think that's the only definition of smart is mad. No, no, no. Knowledge retention is literally knowledge. No, but that's like memory, isn't it? Well, yeah.

That's not knowledge. You don't understand it. You just remember the fact. Comprehension of things is not memory. Comprehension is the knowledge. And the way you comprehend things is you've been taught it. So you remember. No, no, no.

You process stuff. So this is it. So what's osmosis? So you have a maths question. What is osmosis? Water osmosis. Yeah, I know what you're trying to lead into. I'm trying to.

They do that in the dental practices. It's like the cleaning of water, isn't it? Oh, I was a dentist. So you had a maths question. Is there any water for a semi-permeable membrane? Yeah. Thomas? They do it in dentists, man.

They do. They have ROs. See, you have a maths question, Tom. Tom, a maths question, yeah? You know the answer, but you don't know how to find out the answer. You just know the answer. That's not true.

Is that knowledge or is that memory? Regard to taking information is not the same as understanding something. You know E equals MC squared, but do you understand why? That is the knowledge. Yes, I get that, but with maths, you wouldn't know the answer without knowing how to work it out. No,

I know E equals MC squared. That is a scientific formula, but I don't know why. E equals MC squared is a thing. Tommy, you've just been proven to be the biggest thicket. Everyone in the world knows E equals MC squared, but not everyone knows Y. Yeah. But Y is not in that equation.

It's just E equals MC squared. There's no Y. There is a Y. Or a how. I think I get what you mean. But in terms of math, I think that's a poor analogy. I think it's actually a really good analogy.

It's a very good analogy. Yeah. No, but how would you know the answer is E equals mc squared it is do you know what e equals mc squared is not really energy equals maths not maths maths energy equals mc my square doesn't it and like circumstance squared i can't remember but my point it's a formula to figure out energy of something to get to the answer you need to know the workings out yeah and you don't

what is what is a right angle what do you mean it's a 90 degree angle correct oh god what's obtuse that's larger

than a 90 degree angle describe to me Pythagoras' theory I can't without really thinking about it that is embarrassing.

But you're just asking him maths-based questions because you've got an A in maths. I'd school years all up live. I've got an A in maths, but I don't remember any of it. You've changed the subject now. That might be the most radical you've ever been. Oh, we didn't have to see a philosophy in the end. No, you kind of did.

Some people choose to stay alive. What? I'd stay, but I'd stay. Oh, this is good. We all talk over each other. Tom's ever been. I'd stay, but I'd stay. Oh, this is good. We all talk over each other. Tom's ever been. I'd stay, but if I get to go on the journey and see space and that and go on a rocket,

then I'll go. Go on a rocket? You go on a rocket every night, don't you, mate? But you never see a rocket ever again. Here's a more interesting question. At what point in your life would you sacrifice the end of your life on Earth

to be forever remembered for being on Mars. Why does no one care about being remembered, man? Just fucking live your life. Tomorrow. 80. Do you know what I mean?

That's what some people's whole aim in life is. Legacy. If aliens care, it's not mine. If aliens care, man, you had to choose one human to be the representation

and speak to them. Who speaks with them? Brian. No. What's this guy's name? Jason Kumas. I think- Theo Von. That would be pretty funny. That's so, you're putting that on.

Yeah, that's so unnecessary. No, it's not. You've never sneezed like that ever. You wouldn't sneeze like that on a tube. If you're on the tube, you wouldn't sneeze that loud. It's how I sneeze. What's a tube make a difference? Because you're in public. Yeah, you're trying to show off in front of the camera. I'm trying to be like, oh, look at me, I'm't sneeze that loud. It's how I sneeze. What's a tube make a difference? Because you're in public.

Yeah, you're trying to shut off in front of the camera. I'm trying to be like, oh, look at me. I'm a loud sneezer. It's not true. Why are you threatened by the noise of my using wide pick? John Butler. John Butler. John Butler. He's a horse racing trainer.

Oh, no. He's like a... No, yeah. It's cringe because you wouldn't do it in public. You think it's like a personality trait? I was just doing his face, but he's like... Oh, I've got such a personality trait because I sneeze loud. Shut up. Fucking knobhead. What else have we got? We have facts. I was just doing his face. I've got such a personality trait because I sneeze loud. I just sneeze, man.

Fucking knobhead. What else have we got? We have facts. I've got a fact in a long time. I've got a good one for you as well. And don't forget this. You two still owe a dance. Lewis has two, by the way.

A little quick one for you. Without earlobes, we'd always be walking in circles because of how we work. That cannot be true. Some people don't have earlobes. Nah, it's something... They're not constantly walking around in circles because of how we work that cannot be true people some people don't have earlobes no it's something they're not it's something to do like if you had earlobes all your life and you lose them or something then like you're all thrown off and you just walk in circles so you've done zero research it's just a quick headline if you didn't have earlobes you

can't walk and you're always working in so that can't make there's people without earlobes in current society now they have no earlobes. Yeah, but like, nah, this is just the thing. They're not walking around in circles on the high street. You just can't walk in a straight line. That's not even the same thing. You just said they keep walking around in circles. It's true.

It's true. It's a true fact. Right. The other, the big fact is we've had the emu war. We've had the pig war. This is the best one yet. The great chimpanzee war. I've seen that emu war. We've had the pig war. This is the best one yet. The great chimpanzee war. I've seen that film.

Yeah, yeah. This is literally monkey news. So this is a war that spanned over four years in the forest. At least watch Planet of the Apes. It's fucking class, right? If you start telling us the plot to Planet of the Apes. It's 1974. Oh, I know it.

It's 1974 and there's this, it. It's 1974, and there's this... It was a chill day in the forest. There was a group of chimps, like, all hanging out, doing what chimps do, collecting bananas, climbing trees and that. Scrap a lot, don't they? Do get scrappy. But they had a long...

This crew was huge, but they had a long-term... Is that what the group name for chimps is? Probably not. Yeah, big chimp family. They were all working under one king. And, you know, times are good. Like, they were advancing. Like, they were discovering, like, new tools and, like, new sciences.

Like, they were sort of, like, advancing. Well, science is as simple as, like, creating something like fire. That's science. Science was shim. It's like civilization, like, where you advance through the ages. Well, he's the third smartest. Yeah. So they were getting new tools.

Like, they had, had like an axe and stuff lying about and uh we know this because scientists used to monitor these chimps as a tribe oh they're under observation they were free but like the scientists yeah yeah yeah yeah but they had found like they were making axes yeah like this tribe was doing really really good that's a smart tribe um anyways the long-term king who's called Mike. Mike? And he went into retirement. Mike? Oxlong.

He went into retirement so he ruled over this tribe for a long time and this sort of caused... Well, hang on. What do you mean went into retirement? He's like...

I didn't know monkeys had to... I've done large... They don't... What do you mean? What do you do? When you get too old, you're not fit to rule. Did he get a pension?

Yeah. You're not fit to rule did he get a pension yeah you're not fit to rule so he's like right I'm not the alpha guys I don't think they had that concept I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure the way that happens is they kill the previous

yeah no no no he backed down they have to submit they kill them if they don't submit sure okay that's more believable yeah that's true

I know me fucking shit like but you said he retired but don't he did retire he stepped down he was like I'm done guys no but when they get when when they get challenged to the crown, don't they then get ostracized from the group

because they're no longer worth anything? I think that's lions, isn't it? I'm pretty sure it's the same with chimps, isn't it? Pandas. Okay. Or is it pandas? So over the course of eight months, there started to be a bit of discrepancy over who the real king was in the town there was that started to be like a bit of

discrepancy over who the real king was in the town and people started to leave in the town well they had little like

camps and like in the jungle this was a good tribe man they were fucking smashing it it's a really sad story actually

so eight months they started separating separating and there was a separatist tribe that split from the main tribe separatists So eight months, they started separating. Separating. And there was a separous tribe that split from the main tribe. A separous? A syphilis tribe.

So the syphilis tribe had brought eight males, 18 females and all the kids. So they stole all the bitches. And the children. Why would you call them that? That's what you call a female... They took the... A female... It's a bitch. It was a female they took the tube a female is a female dog same with the dog yeah it's it's just any female animal there's not a bitch any female any female animal

not humans not humans we're respectful creatures but them bitches is that actually true yeah any female animals yeah it's a bit well you should know no it's not it's not yes it is it's not. It's not. Yes, it is. It's not. It is. You're trying to say that a baby cow was a foal the other day. They're chimpets. Anyways, they stole the women and started breeding. Viciously. Yeah. Viciously. Like a lot of kids were getting spouted out

as if they were sort of planning to build an army. Get to the bit where... An army of children chimpanzees. Well, they grew up to men and they start fighting. Get to the bit where aliens take over. So over several months, you know, they start to cross each other, the separatists, and we'll call the other one the North.

What's the pregnancy period for a chimp? Separatists? Yeah, they were the separatists. The gestation period for a chimp, was it? What is it? Yeah, I'm going to Google that. The pregnancy period for a chimp. Why have we not got...

About three months. We need the fucking... I don't think it's three months. It's got to be longer than that. Anyways, over these next few months the separatists and we call the other one the north 243 days that's longer than three months

we call them the northerners because the original tribe were the northerners you have the separatists so they bump into each other every now and again and life was fairly decent they'd still trade bananas the separatists was ran by Mike and Rudolph and then the OG tribe was headed up by Hugh and Charlie. So it's Hugh and Charlie and Mike and Rudolph.

Whose name in these chimps? Lou did it earlier this morning when he was looking through. So you have these two kings, but the main kings was Rudolph and Hugh. So anyways, they lived peacefully and then suddenly it was just like one nice day okay like it's just nice and that it's a kookaburra yeah yeah rudolph and five is made to like patrol in the forests patrolling they see this monkey called gordy

up a tree and he's just like eating the tree and that and eating the bark and like eating the bark do you eat the trees the least bird in the group do monkeys eat bark Gordy does I don't think they do well maybe Gordy

well he's by himself maybe he's probably eating the termites off the bark special Gordy so anyways like them kids at school used to eat ants

yeah so Rudolph and his five mates seen them and they're like fucking hell and they went up and dragged them from the tree and threw them to the ground and started beating the out of god no no he's part of the group no no gordy's part of the northerners these are the separatists so this is the first strike they beat up a disabled chimp so they they're beating the out of gordy and they're they, yeah, we run this shit.

They're brutal, by the way. Yeah, they're fucking animals, man. They're going like, yeah, yeah, fucking tell your friends. And they leave him on the brink of death intentionally to send like a message. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not quite dead, just on the brink.

Yeah, just on the brink of death. They rob him of his bananas and that. Yeah, because he had bananas in his pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do have supplies because they go out and collect supplies. I've got a question. Why was he eating bark

if he's got bananas on him? Well, barks, bananas for the tribe. The bark's for him. It's like, obviously, it's like, start a main dessert.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Banana for dessert. So they're like, yeah, tell your friends, punk ass bitch and stuff like that, like trash talking them. And this is genuine.

They started like celebrating. They started celebrating throwing leaves about. So much of your fucking friends. Yeah. And anyways, they this is genuine. They started celebrating. They started celebrating throwing leaves about. So much of your fucking friends. Yeah, and anyways, they flee the scene. They've just committed the first act of war.

So they go back and Hughes, like, I'd argue what the fuck. That Godi was in the wrong territory so isn't he committing the first act of war?

Well, this is where you get into the political side of it because, like, technically, Rudolph might have a point. Rudolph might have a point. I mean, if you're in our territory, do we have right to attack you yes but should we attack you yes they're monkeys they don't know any formal concept right so so hugh sees gordy and he's he's like

do you know what like in the film he's like oh he fucking jeez no like they're really fucking hurt by like what's happened he's like Gordy! he's like that part of the film so do you know when in the film where they stop referencing the fucking film

it's like do you know when they're crying do you know when they're crying and they look up all angry and they're like this Gordy! yeah and then Gordy! Gordy! Yeah. And then, like, Gordy dies.

Gordy dies. It's not referencing a film. And he's, like, touching the side of his face with, like, the blood. And he leaves, like, the bloodstain. Oh, fuck off. Lewis, how do you know this? How do you know this? Where are the cameras?

Because he walks up to me with the eyes. No, I promise. They don't just have cameras in every fucking tree. He looks up like this. He looks up like this with blood and one single tear. And then he goes like this. He pans to the side camera. And he's like, oh! And he gets like all the monkeys.

And he looks at the camera and he goes. They're not monkeys. They're not monkeys. I will get them. They're not monkeys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh! And he gets like the other monkeys to join him.

They're not monkeys! And they fucking climb in the trees. This kicked off a four-year war of pure battling. Like I'm talking, they'd gang up on each other, steal the bananas. There was occasions where... There's occasions where... Can I just ask?

Like this whole like chimps eating bananas thing, how often do they actually have bananas? All the time. Not a lot. I'm not actually sure in the world how often they eat bananas. All the time. If they're in amongst the place where it has bananas.

Of course, yeah, but I don't think that's that common. How common are bananas just in the jungle? Chimps will eat anything. Chimps will eat anything. Hugh and Rudolph are like rivals at the moment. They're like the two kings and Hugh's like wronged by Rudolph. You know what I mean? The separatist who's killed his friend Gordy.

Yeah. You said he wasn't dead. So they commit- No, he died in front of Hugh. The meat round the- So he left the blood stain on his- So he did die. Yeah, Gordy died.

Like Hugh got to see him. No, Hugh arrived just in time for him to die. Oh right, so yeah. And he was like, Gordy- His lining just as can be panned to him as well. Yeah. So you still get this blood stain on him. So everyone knows who he is.

And they're like, and cut. In the wild, in the wild, apes rarely encounter bananas because bananas are a domesticated fruit. I knew it. It's bullshit.

However, apes in contact with humans enthusiastically consume bananas when they get bananas. We're in the wild. No, no, I get it. Yeah, but I've got my... Yeah, so they eat bananas. My only ever experience with apes is eating fucking loads of bananas. They necessarily consume bananas when they get the chance. We're in the wild. No, no, I get it, yeah. But I've got my-

Yeah, so they eat bananas. My only ever experience with apes is eating fucking loads of bananas. If there were bananas available, they would eat them. But, Lush, you're telling me that these monkeys are just strapped with bananas and then the whole war, they're just taking bananas. Mate, I think you're missing the point here.

We have a war on our hands. Put them up! We have a war on our hands. A civilization that was once one is now two. And Hugh meets with his senior officers, sort of thing. Like the next one's in charge. And they plan like this night raid. They do a night raid where they just like literally

swing from trees, drop from above. And I swear to God, chimpanzees. And they chuck bananas at him. Mate, they're so vicious. They would tear limbs. They have the paratroopers in apparently. Well, they could do that with like leaves. They tear, I told you about the sciences

they tear would tear the limbs from the other chimpanzees and beat them with it and this is like fucking real that is true

no they're fucking brutal like they rip off their heads and like leave them about just for the fun of it they hold them up to the fucking cartel because she was like a goody and now he's turned into a baddie

of a gaudy guy go on get to the bit get to the get to the bit where... Get to the bit! Yeah, so you have, like... Next. Get to the bit where fucking aliens intervene.

So, like, this is four years gone by where they're patrolling the borders, you know, they're stealing land, taking it, you know. There's occasions where, actually, they would, like, try and chirp the women on a night and get them to come over. Try and get them to come over to their camp. Yeah.

Is that how they work? Do they chat up women chimps? Yeah. They chimp them up. It's whoever has like the brightest ass, like the red. No, that's baboons. That's baboons, mate. They're baboons, mate.

You don't know anything, do you? Chimps do have pretty fucking shit asses. Yeah, big shitty asses. As in like the... How do you know? You never been to a zoo? You've seen chimpanzees? There was even occasion.

Look at their arses, mate. There was even occasion. They turn around at you and they go. Do you know how Hugh has like the blood on his face? There was this fail, but there's a mission from the Separatists where they put blood on their face to try to imitate the king.

Fuck off, mate. Didn't work out though because it wasn't the same science. And didn't happen. Look, you know you said obviously the scientists are like studying all these things. Watching it, yeah. So they have all this on camera

and they see it every day. They see it's like a war. They're watching the war. They're watching the war. Until eventually, yeah. So they have all this on camera and they have, they see, every day they see this like, They're watching the wall. They're watching the wall. Until eventually, after like the banana's been stolen, there's walls that are set in fires, the scientists like get,

capture, tranquilise, Hugh and Rudolph. They wake up. They wake up. Oh, where am I? Do they recreate

the Messi and Ronaldo pic of the chess? They wake up and they're in like this enclosure. Yeah, they've got The way it's called. And they're in this enclosure. Yeah, they've got a Louis Vuitton sponsorship. They're in this enclosure together. They're in an enclosure together. When Hugh becomes one.

Hugh and Rudolph. And the scientist is essentially like, you're not leaving until you fucking become chill. Who's telling them that? They're not saying this to you. Who's telling them that? Do you believe these words that come out of your mouth? Yeah, they tranquilise them.

Who's telling them that? The scientists that cannot communicate with apes are going, right, you two sort it out, otherwise it's fucking- Yeah. Let me ask you this. You know what, you're fucking kicking- Yeah, we've had enough of this.

The mayor of the forest, you said, you two need to fucking pack it in. Until you fucking sort it out. Until you sort this out, you can stay in here and think about what you've done. Yeah. Do you talk to your dog? Lou. You are not using that. Oi about what you've done. Do you talk to your dog? Lou.

You are not using that. Do you know what I do? You don't put two dogs in a room together. You communicate in other ways. You give them bananas. You put them together. You make sure that they get along. You keep them there.

And eventually, Hugh and Rudolph made amends. Yeah, do you know what? Such shit. Yeah, when I famously speak to my dog, I go, you shat in your bed, mate. Go clean it up. He walks to it, puts it in the fucking washing machine and the tumble dryer, comes back and then sorts himself out.

Yeah, he does that. This is how you made amends, right? You had them both in separate cells, but you could see each other. Fuck off! Fuck right off, mate. You had them in both- The bacon is up!

It's not! This is all in your head! So they had bananas above hugh's head and he couldn't reach them right but um rudolph had a stick to bash them down they had to work so they had to work together yeah yeah so after a while they were like rudolph was like i'm not giving a stick i'm not giving a fucking stick but actually he was like i'd actually like banana but if he doesn't give the stick he's gonna starve to get he's get a banana. So he gives him the stick, he knocks down the banana and for a second you think Hugh

is going to be like, ha, ha, ha, and eat them. Yeah. The truce. Yeah, he goes, truce. The hand.

It's down as one of the most symbolic moments of like animal history. Chimp history, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure they've got this on photo then, do they? No, no.

Because they handed over the banana. It was just like this ceremonial like truce. Because he could have... As he was handing it over, he went, You are not fucking right in the head, mate. He could have kept the banana, but he didn't. So he hands over the banana and they're like,

right, truce. So it's a banana split. Do you genuinely believe this shit? This is true. This is true. Wasted joke there, guys. I can't find any of this shit. Anyways.

So they're like, fucking get in. The scientists are buzzing. Four years of war and suffering, right? And they've sent them back. And they're like, these can live together now. We've actually done something amazing. We've solved this. Anyways, and you're going to think I'm taking the piss here,

but this is his name. No, we never made it. And Rudolph, who's now like washed off the blood of his old friend Gordy. He goes to his senior commander. He's called this, I promise. Corporal Willy Wally. Okay. I promise that.

I don't know why the scientists called him this. But he's called Corporal Willy Wally. He's not called Corporal Willy Wally. He's obviously a joke. Oh my cool corporal oh my god no don't google you're gonna ruin the ending i'm not ruining it corporal willy wally that's not a real name and he calls to him and he's like you know what to do in other words you know what to do in the night brings some bunch of troops and like all like you and that is like and Rudolph's like celebrating like yeah we made peace they fucking brutally murder him

in front of the entire tribe and then they they murder Hugh they won the war no they murdered Rudolph oh no Hugh no Hugh

no they murdered Hugh you said oh they're separatists yeah separatists yeah wait so the separatists Rudolph got his revenge on Gordy

so the separatists are now the king now they're no the northerners retained the land be honest it's just a film nah it's a real thing i tell you the best thing about this whole story is think how deeply he's described it's a film isn't it it's real or a book this has come i think it's from from a children's book you are fucking called willie and hugh willie is lonely and then he bumps into gorilla hugh and the two of

them are different and their friendship grows after the tension between the two tribes can willy save few and save the day when a big hairy spider comes along that's not my story there's no spiders he's just actually copper willy wally no it's not a children's book yeah yeah yeah i promise you That is true The four year chimp war That is a true story I was really buying it man But now he's ruined it for me

Tell them that I'm right Because I'm right Who are you asking? The audience Okay The crowd You can buy it for four quid on Amazon You are a fucking idiot

It's fucking true so you've gone and found a children's book about two chimps and embellished it to sound like planet of the apes i haven't embellished it that's fucking i put so much i only had 20 minutes of my dinner break because i was researching about corporal willy wally gordy rudolph hugh i had to memorize this shit i'm starting to question whether or not they're their real name yeah you're gonna you ate your words over emu while you prick, and you're going to eat them again over the Godzilla, not the monkey.

Godzilla. Fuck off. Just a Freudian slip there. Can you tell us that story word for word again, or do you struggle? I don't think the audience wants that. Please subscribe and let me know, message me with any other future facts,

because that was a good one. I think someone tipped me off on that one. Where is this chimpanzee prison that they were keeping? And the Dorday one as well, Lou. Dorday, yeah, Dorday. We love them all. Let us know what you think of our set. Right, time for the quiz.

And just to let the viewers know, these two still do our dances. LouSO's twos, twos, two. How are you going to follow up on my amazing quiz last week, Tom? Just thought of some questions. Anyway. Okay.

Everyone's buzzing. Buzz. Pew. Beer. Corporal Willy Wally. Oh, yeah. I'll go Corporal Willy Wally. Right.

Question number one. Who is the highest paid athlete of 2023? Corporal Willy Wally. Ronaldo. Wrong. Correct. Shit. Damn.

Question number two. What's the most popular breakfast cereal? Cork, Willy Wally. I think that's you. Rice Krispies. No. Ooh,

Weetabix. Yeah. What? That's shit. Turn it to mush. Right. Good guess, that.

If you leave it too long, you need to eat faster. Question number three. What is the most southern country in the world? Ooh. Peru. Corporal Willy Wally. Argentina.

Yeah. Shit, I was so close to it. Good. Three nils. It's three nil, mate. If you both end up on zero, you both have to do a dance. Well, yeah, that's how the loss works. No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. What? Oh, you mean because there's no tiebreaker? Yeah. Well, I have got a tie dance. Well, yeah, that's how the loss works. No, it's not. Yeah, it is. What? Oh, you mean because there's no tiebreaker? Yeah. Well, I have got a tiebreaker. Oh, okay. All right, question number four. What's the capital of Turkey?

Here we go, Wally. Transespor. Istanbul. I was before him. No, no. It was definitely me. I said Buzz before he finished his buzzer. Istanbul?

No. Oh. Really? Ankara. Yes. Is it Istanbul? No. Oh. Really? Ankara. Yes. Is it actually? Since when? Since forever.

Yeah. That's so interesting. I never knew that. Used to be constant. Maybe you're not that clever. What's the second fastest land animal in the world? You. Yours is so mental, your buzzer.

Leopard. No. Emu. No. What? Ostrich, sorry. Leopard. No. Emu. No. What? Pospis, sorry. Emu. An emu.

Oh, mate. What the fuck? The second fastest lander was an emu. I don't know if this is true. I will go... I don't know if this is true. Rhino? No.

Rhino? Yeah. Corporal Willy Wally. rhino no rhino yeah purple willy-wolly maybe i thought it's the fastest it is the fastest but i also thought emu was uh cheetah that's the fastest yeah that's what i said behind it oh no you um you're gonna think i'm crazy here hippopotamus no i? No. I almost said that, actually. They're fast, aren't they? They are. They're up there, aren't they? I'll give you a clue.

The first name which describes them is pronghorn, and then it says the name of the actual animal. So it's a pronghorn something. Hugh. So you know how you get like... A white rhino? Yeah. Hugh.

I thought it was a rhino. A pronghorn goat. You should do a dance for that alone. A longhorned goat makes sense. Pronghorn. What's that mean? I don't know. They have horns, Gortmere.

How many animals do you know that have horns? Tom, is it like an animal we'd know? You'd know what it is, yeah, for sure. For sure. I don't think it's a traditional animal we'd know you'd know what it is yeah for sure for sure for sure for sure I don't think it's a traditional animal we'd think is fast

you would no they're fast so you would know it's fast yeah they tend to be prey oh Buzz Antelope

yes oh interesting I'm fucked then aren't I so that's 3-2 there is a bonus question which you get five points for

we should have no that's not how yeah that's fair that's fair I'm the quiz master but he's the which you get five points for. We should have got... No, that's not how it works. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. I'm the quiz master. But he's the quiz master. Tom. I'm the quiz master.

Oh, you don't like it on the other foot, do you? I can't lose anyway, so... You can. All right, how about ten? If he gets five, we've lost them. How about the person who gets it right chooses someone else to get five points as well? This isn't the last one, is it?

This is the last one, yeah. No, no, no. This is on you, mate. You should be pushing it. No, there's... All right, so... I didn't want a five-point question. It's a bonus question,

but there's three questions within it. Oh, okay. And it's five points for each one. You're such a twat. It's a bonus question but there's three questions within it Oh okay And it's five points for each one You're such a twat Right the bonus question is I want you to tell me how many Insta followers we all have Corporal I haven't started yet

How many Instagram followers does Lewis have Few The way you said it it said we were all going to say a number. Is it the exact number or just the rounded... The closest two

is going to get five points. But the exact number if you clicked on it and saw the exact number or what it says on Instagram? What it says on Instagram. I think it is...

I know this. I'm not... 20... Oh, it might be... Edmond. No, that's's I don't know I can't differentiate between Twitter and all

oh what's Instagram you better know 19,600 oh okay I was going to be less than that

I think it is 16,800 it is less than that I was going to go like 45,000 um no fucking hell

I think I thought my Twitter is dead there I think I'm what did you say I think he's right less than that. I was going to go like 45,000. No. Fucking hell. I think I thought my Twitter instead there. I think I'm... What did you say? I think he's right. 19,600. But I think that's my Twitter estimate.

No, it's actually 18.9. I'll say one. You do just get it. You should get your own one though. Yeah, hold that bitch. Five points. That's five points.

Right, next up. Next up, Theo. Instagram. The number that it says on his thing? Yeah. You should let him go first. 519,000, okay. Theo.

No, Lewis first. Adam, Buzz. And even I. I know what it is. Go on then. Hugh. Oh, it might be an old number there. Oh, fuck it.

Who cares? You did say an old number? fuck it who cares you did say an old number an old number 418,000 I'm going to go with 519 oh you said 519 you can't go

with the same number I can say the same number no you can't that's the whole point that's why he what do you mean you can say the same number he's realised

he should know where it is and now he's fucked it that's not fair but yeah it is fair That's the whole point. That's why he buzzed in first. What do you mean you can say the same number? He's realised he's in a weird and now he's fucked it. He can't buy it anymore. That's not fair. What do you mean it's fair?

It feels like it's the same number. How is it not fair? You could have buzzed in first. I thought you didn't say anyone could buzz in. You could just say, everyone has to say an answer. No, but you can't say the same answer as someone else. So who wins then? Who wins the point?

We both get right. No, that's not how it works. He's fucked it. He tried to not how it works he's fucked it he tried to get cocky and he's any other question 519 250 no it's not what i've got written down here mate unfortunately the answer is five more noise that's five you don't know who i'm gonna to say next. If you know it, buzz in. Next up. Reeve. I was first.

189,000. That's bullshit. That's absolutely bullshit. What point is everyone on? There's one more person to go. What point is everyone on? I'm on 10 from this. Reeve has won the quiz.

I'm on five. How many is he on? Oh, no, maybe not. I'm on five. Reeve has won the quiz. I'm on five. How many is he on? Oh, no, maybe not. You're on three. You're on five. Right. No, I'm on 12 total, though. Yeah.

Oh, so Reeve's the one. So, Reeve, you're out. Sure. I mean, I'm not. Can I play as well, though, or not? Yeah, you can play him. Right, you two do rock, paper, scissors to see who goes first. No, no, no.

We're buzzing. Okay. What? No, I'm joking. Right, now we've got, how many Instagram followers do I have? You. He went first though.

I mean, his buzzer finished first, but he said it first. What's me? I started first. No, that's not how it works. That's why we do one syllable- What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you not backing me? That's why we do one syllable-

Why should he back it? Why should he back it? That's why we do one syllable- That was the honest thing I said you started first I said you started the buzzer first But his buzzer ended first That's all that happens

I think it is 145,000 Okay 89,000 You went fucking bold, mate. Oh. I think I actually know it. Is it 88.1?

Yeah. Do I win? You... No, he doesn't win. Reeve wins. Reeve wins. Reeve wins. Reeve wins.

Reeve wins. Reeve gets the points. I was the closest. Reeve gets the points. You let your say between me and Lewis, who's going to buzz in first? You know Reeve gets the points. I was the closest. Reeve gets the points. You leave your say between me and Lewis, and he's gonna buzz in first. You know Reeve gets the points. The democracy of this quiz, after how good.

I have the chance to do something really funny. Reeve gets the points. He does get the points though. He got a quiz. He said he was out. They all can't get the points. No, no, no, the integrity of the quiz must be upheld. It has to be a tiebreaker now. The integrity must be upheld. That was all the questions. I clearly won that. We have no, no. We didn't get the points. It must be a tie breaker now.

The integrity must be up. That was all the questions. We have the final score. Now we have a tie breaker.

Oh, do you know what's funny? Is that I'll just go home. Because the integrity of this quiz. Oh, and it

wasn't last week, was it, man? That was the entire quiz. Well done, Reeve. You got the points.

You got the final score. Now you do the tiebreaker over the final one. You literally said on camera, it's between you two. No, you didn't. You literally said that. Do you know what's crazy? You actually beat him because you got five and you got three.

So actually you're second and Theo's last. So therefore Theo does the dance. If that's how we're going down. If that's how you want it. I got five points just there. No, you didn't. I was out with me and you. You fucking idiot. Yeah, I win.

I win. It was only me and you playing. See, Tom, I win. He got all... Just say no, I'm absolved, man. No, can I just say, can I say why I think I'm right? Because my... Bleed your case.

My benefit from getting more points going into the final question is, in a scenario where Reeve is correct, I have the benefit because I got to that final round on more points you don't then just you don't you don't just rule him out to give Theo a chance Theo has to get it correct the burden is on him because he's last to make it that Reeve's not involved and his right answer doesn't count is an unfair display of my performance previous questions in the quiz. Okay. And Tom, prior to the question being stated,

you said the rules. You explicitly said it was between- Sorry, you correct the quiz master. Is he telling you what you said? Are you trying to tell the quiz master what he said? You said that, yes, on camera. You said it was between me and Lewis. Well, I don't like your attitude.

You take charge of this. I really don't like your attitude. It's exactly what you said. It's exactly what you said. Why are you talking to me like that as the quiz master? Are you shouting at them? Why are you shouting at me? Why are you shouting at them?

And I was 900, in fact, actually it's 88.1. I'm 900 followers away. He was 60,000 followers away. Tom, I think, I think we should,

60,000, not only that. I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, if anything,

if anything, that's him thinking bigger of you so well i also think i knew that i think of this two ways the first way the way you've just fucking spoken to me i want to give it him don't ever talk to the quiz master like that again that's true cheeky little twat that's true you're sick however he's trying to put in boss. Yeah. Boss, boss. You got an orgs boss. No one likes a fucking lick ass. You is right. However, you were so far away with your guess.

Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop putting in, sorry. You're meant to be like our producer. You're meant to be in tune with everything we do. You should know how many followers we have. You know, whenever we get pitched to some people, do you give our fucking numbers and then just go, well, everyone's got 100,000 more followers than they do.

I think he's got like 200k. However, also, like you just pointed out, maybe you just think highly of me. I do. That's a really nice thing. Or maybe he doesn't know you. However, out of the integrity of the show, I did say Reeve is out for this.

That's not integrity because I had more points. You're giving him an advantage. You're giving him an advantage. You're giving him an advantage. I had more points going in. He did not get the question correct. He did. He got the correction. Reeve just wanted to join in. Yeah, but he has every right

to join in because that's the entire quiz. He gets more points. He wasn't joining in. He wasn't joining in for points. May I say one final thing? Man City win the league before the final day. They don't just back out of the league, mate. They get more points and they finish on their final tally. And they take that into the record books.

His final tally is 17 points. I agree. However, first of all, you went first. You had the advantage. Second of all, I literally said Reeve can join in as a joke as a laugh, but he doesn't include in the points. So you lost. You have lost, you are dancing.

What content can we make him do it? No. Yeah, I think we should. I think that's a good idea. You haven't done one yet. I'm really silly. Actually Reeve got it right. You've lost.

Reeve's run the quiz. Lewis is second. You're third. That means you owe a dance. You owe a dance.. You've lost. Reeves won the quiz. Lewis is second. You're third. That means you owe a dance. You owe a dance. You owe two dances. I answered the most questions right. Well, unfortunately that's not how quizzes work.

I answered four questions right out of six. Who do you think should have won? I got five right. Well done Reeves. Thanks man. Good job Chris Master. That's very well handled. Thanks for tuning in guys.

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