Back Side - Jamie Hutchinson On W**king Over His PARENTS, His Weirdest Fantasy & His Most EMBARRASSING Moment!

Episode Date: September 4, 2025

If you'd like to work with us, email the studio on [e-mail] by The Fellas Studios: https://fellasstudios.com/podcastsTheo:https://youtube.com/c/HiMalfoyhttps://youtube.com/c/TheoBakerVlogsOllie:https://youtube.com/c/reevhttps://youtube.com/c/OllieFletcherTom Garratt:https://www.youtube.com/@TomGarratt10Lewis:https://www.youtube.com/@lewisbowden1If you'd like to work with us, email the studio on [e-mail] by The Fellas Studios: https://fellasstudios.com/podcastsTheo:https://youtube.com/c/HiMalfoyhttps://youtube.com/c/TheoBakerVlogsOllie:https://youtube.com/c/reevhttps://youtube.com/c/OllieFletcherTom Garratt:https://www.youtube.com/@TomGarratt10Lewis Bowden:https://www.youtube.com/@lewisbowden1 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to a new episode of Backside with me, Reeve, Theo Baker, Tom Garrett and Lewis Bowden. If you haven't already hit follow, why not tap it right now for new episodes every week. And if you want to see more Backside, catch us on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram where all you have to do is search Backside. Let's get into it. Here it is! All I'm in, Jayfrey Hudson's! I think you've come a similar time to respect that. If you dare say, you heard them having six another one.

Yeah. It was just like the moaning and that. You're like, oh no. And then, so I've put a demo take together to get like, try and get voice overworked so I've done my gritty's like mental health. Hey. Oh no, okay, sorry. Are you struggling?

Suppose we are that. I imagine I'm a 16 year old orphaned and I'm in Ramsey's kitchen nightmares. As a pot washer. Ramsey comes in you. This steak is raw. This is a kitchen is a disgrace. My God. These are the cleanest plates I've ever seen.

What do you think the most objectively embarrassing thing you've ever done is? Um... Right, welcome back to backside. Right. Thanks 50K. Thanks 50K. Oh my gosh. completes one Iron Man and then scyves from work.

Yeah. Oh, I can't do it. I can't do it. I think those jellyfish have got to me. Last week as well, he was like, I was fine. The day after I was fine. And now he was actually giving him. Was that Theo's voice?

It didn't sound. That was fine. That was fine. Who is that? Who is that? Who is he mouse? Fucking Theo. Right.

Well, obviously, Theo's, you know, recovering from an Iron Man. Got a better replacement coming, though. We do have a very special guest. So keep tuned for that. But I'm obviously on the other side of the coin. I'm still training for some.

How long now? Three weeks. Getting close. Hell yeah. I actually think yours is harder than the Iron Man as well. Definitely not. But I do think something can help you. Oh, what is it, Tommy?

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This special offer is available for new customers as well as those who canceled their subscription 12 months ago or more. Honestly, looking forward to that. Do you know what? Can I just tick this one home? I'll take the selfish again. Go on, I'll take that off. Selfish, lazy, little chin. Yeah, all right.

Yeah. We will let you have it. So anyway, should we bring in Theo's replacement? Woo! Here he is! All I'm in, Jamie on the show! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh, that seems weird though, yeah, swap, swap, swap.

You get in there, son. He started to do it. I don't think of guns I don't know that I actually think it's a better we should have him permanently instead of Theo I already prefer it we've got actually the beard

they're both in the hair's both going to be how are you doing? Yeah, sweet me mate just fucking good on getting it well it's weird for me and Lou because you and Tom are like already friends aren't you best friends in the whole world now we've got to try and break in

You can't because you don't have the bone knowledge either We don't talk about football You don't have that 2002 Man United Reserve Squad knowledge I saw him I saw him manifest John Stones That was actually crisis And this is yeah That's football in

Yeah Ball knowledge gods coming down on you When you say it's long Do you mean like life itself Oh life itself I'm waking up and that It's fucking that It's like waiting up bro

Fuck that mate Yeah What time do you normally wake up on a morning? Depends. It was like, dog runs, it jumps on me and all that.

What dog you got? Samoid. Saloid. What is that? Fish? Like a jack, jack, fucking fluffy,

cunt. I don't know if you've seen that episode of Cruffs. Yeah, so she'll like put an asshole in my face and all that. You're like, fucking hell, me.

And that's what gets you up in the morning. You're about the missus? Oh, great, raised up. What? Your miss is all the dog. No, no,

no, but sometimes there was sniff test. Just to do a sniff test. Yeah. Who's been having pedigree tonight? Yeah, so normally, I'll get up a while, which my missus gets up here because she's got, like, real job. Oh, boom.

Yeah, yeah. The NHS is what going on about. Oh, kids. I'll work hard as well. I do at least two days a week. I have to get pissed with my mates all the time. It's actually tougher than you think, people. God.

Anyway, any shows coming up? When's the tour, actually? Funny, you should ask. The tour's on sale as of now. It's in tomorrow in real life, but obviously with the art of content and that, this is out in a couple of weeks. When's Birmingham?

Because I want to come. Birmingham is in the spring. How many dates you do? I'm doing, I've got 30 dates on sale now, so I'm going to do an autumn, a spring leg, break for the World Cup, because I'm not booking. Imagine me, Minston, about stage for an hour

when fucking Ecuador's on. Checking your bets for two minutes. Ecuador, Croatia's on, Nate. Are you having to laugh? Who goes to fuck the eye? How many corners are you at your house? No one's ass, mate. We're going to do two more dates.

It's just going to be bollocks on yellow card. So, yeah, doing a spring leg, then breaking for the World Cup, then we're going to do an autumn. What's like the rogous place you're stopping off at? Northampton. Oh, it's kind of there, apparently. I've heard.

No, it's Cambridge. Yeah, I bet. Yeah, I know, I think the mean streets No, but I think it's like Fake hard. I might be Northamptonshire

actually, I don't know why I said that. They're trying, like Northampton, because it is like bit posh and no one gives a fuck about it. They think they're a bit hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been a night out there.

That's exactly what I. It's like people from Shelfield. Oh, I'm not part. I'm a fish bit of a massive, mate. Oh, right. You roll with like an entourage, you know what I mean? Like, we rock up with these guys.

He might, No, you might roll up with like... Last year, I just had my opener. So I have the same opener every time because I don't want anyone who's got any ambition, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I just... Outshrine it, yeah.

The warmer pack's got to be able to. No, it's not about outshining. I don't want anyone positive in the green room. Green room's about fucking misery. Like, we've got to do this again, lad. Are you going to say, so I don't want anyone you to talk about comedy theory at me and all that. Like, well, just make of the audience.

We don't care. Just put me on in front of fucking a thousand clapping seals. I don't give a fucking. mate. Do you have a tall rider? I just got like poloni in that way. Yeah, yeah. By Budva since we're sponsored by Budva.

Oh, that's right. You're sponsored by Budva. Yeah. That's class. You're doing better than us. Yeah. Yeah, so now I'll just say like it's sort of clay if you can. Like, I don't have anything special.

Yeah, yeah. Is your actually funny story, my mate, Mitch mentioned me the other day and he's like, oh, what, he's seen the generation football thing and he's like, what's Jamie like? Because he actually went to your show not long ago. Birmingham. Oh, right. With his misses.

Which one? Like, foreshall? He just said I saw him live, not long ago, in Birmingham. He said, you're very good. But what I'd like to see your act is, are you just like crowdwork mainly, do you know? No, no, no, no. Mine is a...

You have a set thing? Yeah, mine's a very careful, nervous breakdown of the mid-30s. Oh, so good. Yeah. Do you do any crowd-waters? I do a little bit, but I'd, like, they're scared of me because I jump on them and that, like a lap dance

them and stuff if they start getting out of hand say if I'm talking to someone he sips a drinking front of my face I'll come down and lap dance under you won't sip a drinking like that, mate, fucking hell he's just after a lap dance

yeah yeah I don't do like you know, what's you do mate plumber oh what's your favourite pipe that does my head isn't that what's your favourite pipe oh that's a dig if you could

if you had to kill one comedian who'd it be who'd a question that like kill. And it's a cabby. No, but not just like press a button they're dead. I mean like batter to death

with an axe. Batter to death with an axe. Probably do one of the wheelchair ones. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, one of the crutches and that. Yeah. Because they're already off like there.

Yeah, you'll get it away with fucking murder you, lad. Udy up and get on the stage like fucking limping about. Fucking wait to go on here. In 10 minutes, fucking waiting for you to get on, he up.

He's cheating himself, me. Come it, come it. He says, he's not getting pushed. It's called a joke. It might be the most unscensored one. I'm just a fucking comedian. If anyone's going to cry about this in the comments,

fucking shoot yourself. I want to say I'm shit myself because I'm technically on crutches out of the moment. So I'm just sort of keeping you. You're walking around. I was giving it. Where do your opinions lie in the whole like anything's a joke, subject matter kind of vibe? Say what you want,

but fucking back it up. Don't come crying to me. I don't fucking care. Comedy is shit. Comedy. Comedy. Content. Everything's shit.

We're all frauds, let's admit, we're four fat frauds. Yeah, we're winging it. I'm probably fight the news, but yeah, comedy is just all... Probably, yeah, probably. Comedy is just... But now we've, hello fresh, we've both... Don't worry, man, we don't have it. Helping, balance and easy to make meals.

Oh, whilst we're on that, we've seen your McVitties head. Have you got anything else? By the way, no, before you do that, wait, all I haven't seen this. I just want to say how long? What? I haven't seen these. It's generations.

How long? A genuine McVit's a... McVittie's ad? No, no, isn't it? I'm trying to create me on opportunities. How long did you sit at home practicing that? Because that's not off the cuff. That is you sat practicing McVittie's voiceover.

I did a McVitie's voiceover, a fake one. So I've put a demo tape together to get, like, try and get voiceover work. So I've done McVitties, like, mental health, Ladbrooks and that. That's a big bend diagram, right? Wait, what was your mental health one? Fuck

Let him do it Let him do it Let him do it Hey Oh no Okay sorry Are you struggling Suppose we all are

But if you are Don't bother up Silence isn't strength Opening up is So if you are struggling Tell a mate A brother Anyone

For support Call mind That's fucking That's good Oh my god, I think I want to talk to someone about my deep, deep and lying fucking issues in a minute But like the big bit he's one is so fucking good And then it rolls into the labrocks one straight after Yeah, if you are struggling

Put a fucking bitch on Keep panting Keep fucking panting I'm a biscuit and a pet You don't got out from the back of it then No, I might be getting some biscuits on the way They do, oh yeah You reckon

Voiceover works like the easiest one Oh, bloody It's easy world and it's good money it's turned up and talk in it see the problem is that any different

to what weed I'll never be able to that though because my accent's just too fucking ming no no no it's a burning a brand

you could do like a revised version of your voice though yeah you could do drink driving or something right

how about this right oh we should have got you a script to read anyway first moment you truly felt like an adult please

hmm do I ever though if you I was going I was going to follow that up with. Do you feel like an honor? Here's a thing, yeah. So I put some money towards the house.

It's all in my missy's name because I'm ficking that. I got on it the night before, so I was still sniffed up. I was not, can you talk about that? Yeah, yeah. I was so sniffed up from the night before.

Can you talk? And we went to a viewing, I just bought the first house we tour. I was that one over, I went, yeah, we'll have it. Stop talking. How many did you have planned? How many of you?

It was a dog, crate. Yeah, just a kettle. It's just like, no, this is one for me. I can see you in the... I never like, you haven't seen the house yet. We're still in the car. And this is like, really, do you think?

I went, oh, I can just so see it with cushions and air and that. I'll go anywhere. I'll sleep anywhere. Just get me out of the situation, do what I mean? So I don't really, ever truly feel like and I don't really... Where is home for you? Dantwich I live in now. Okay.

You've moved to crew, right? I thought he's true. Cruise, like, but I'm still trying to sound hard. Oh, okay. Right. Right. That's what in. Yeah, right.

You feel. Be dirty. Do you like coming out to London? Because I know not a lot. Oh, it's a buzz, mate, yeah. Oh, you love it? No. Okay.

Everyone rushing about. You train to every two minutes. Do you mean? Isn't it fucking two rights? The dickhead. We have one bus every fortnight. No, I know what it is? They get on fucking Twitter because they're fucking

TFL train is 10 minutes late There's not even a bus to my fucking village You have to walk 30 minutes to get the nearest Oh, do you? You don't live in Ethiopia Why are you defending these people complaining about the 10 minute train? No, no, people moaning about trains

In London is crazy because there's one every minute But it is the best transport system In the world probably However, you compare me to someone from Ethiopia I'm not from Ethiopia, I'm not from England At least compare me someone in the same country I'm not going to compare myself But you're on about like

To fucking walk 30 minute I like argue, they probably had a better busses I remember my first day down pit Yeah, just fish and chitch up It's when they're rushing all about What are you rushing for? You, you little knobbed

I've had this conversation The other day Do you know why? Because they're actually busy doing things They're not No, but not even that They're looking busy No, no, no, no

Wait, they have got meetings To take your land yard off We don't care, me You're fucking little gibbon They all buy into their psychology of feeling busy though Yeah, but they have to be Because I've worked an office job, right?

And the majority of the day, you're just filling gaps. Like you are, you're filling gaps. And the reason they want to look busy is so they don't lose their job. Yeah, absolutely. That's how the modern world works. Well, there's a better way to do it. Just get in an office, get some files and just shake your head every now and then. We do that.

Here's some tips to being late, yes. I was always, like, late for being pissed and that and still sniffed up and stuff. And I'd just come in and say it was like two hours late for work. Because if you're going to be, there's no point rushing to be 10 minutes. Yeah, I agree. I like you fucked it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And then you just come in and if say your man goes, well, where, where you, you just go, don't ask. Always works. I say, do not ask. That's a good one. But James, it's the fifth time this week. If you're a woman, that's even easy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Personal.

Yeah. Personal problems. And then just chuck loads of ketchup on you. Think of some jobs, some jobs they don't even ask. when I used to work um I was no I don't care

I don't no also he's trying to claim he's ever been late but when he's when he did work on the radio like so I did the early

breakfast show and this went like I was in Germany but went like around the world to all like the other ones in the bros no literally

I used to start the show started at six and because you're in the broth was a night before hey we don't we'll talk about that on the five year

anniversary but now I used to like just sleep in or you get stuck on the other side this train because it was a train track in the way and like the show wouldn't be going out

for like 30, 35 minutes around the world but like no one fucking no one's a wake listening anyways because it was like a little shit of radio I don't understand anything you've just said there I just wouldn't make it to the show time started so no one would be in the office no one's in the studio the show's not going out on air but because no twat's listening to the shit station

no one ever said out so you just start turning up there you described so your hack is to do a job no one gives a fuck about yeah no if you do the most pointless job you can just turn up to it and no one gives a fuck. I worked in car centres where the time you shits and that, don't you mean. Oh.

Can you get that job instead? It's 9.02. Look, lad, I don't give a shit, lad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to get called a cunt for eight hours here. Do you think I'm asses? It's 9-0-2, lad. And it's also, like, I remember when I went to JD and it's like,

no one's going to die if I don't get your shoe in the next 30 seconds. Yeah, really. Where's my train, I, or did it fuck? I don't give a fuck about your shitty Air Max 90s, do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I give a fuck? You fucking little cunt.

There's a thousand people in the cube. There's a thousand people on the phones. Why do I have to be in at nine o'clock? I'm ungover. I've just been rejected. I've got a rash that I can't get rid of. Rejected for you? Anyone like that.

Anyone. Anyone. Everyone. Everyone. I'm fucked. What would you say your worst job you work was? Or funniest? The funniest was a dementia room.

You worked in a dementia? Yeah, because I used to like, How do you get a job doing that? They don't remember how bad the interview went. That's good. Nah, because I used to write newsletters for the council and that, Joe, like, advertise. Karatey and that.

What? How many lives have you lived? I was going to say, are you? Why? I used to work in the health and well-being depend. Can I just ask? Sorry, to put in. Nowadays, obviously, the famous story about your brother who's, what you?

Is there something wrong with you? I'm not. Yeah, I'm pure. My man drank a lot of gym, mentioned she was pregnant I'm an abortion survived as well really

oh yeah for the last four moments I was just fucking dodging coat angers me a reflex is a bow like that yeah I'm trying to flush me

down the bog bro led you into a career of karate that did yeah yeah is that your excuse I actually almost

died at birth and I tell you I came out and then Bill could call this round here and I came out like this

so I generally I came out and then he dragged us off him and I didn't even You were talking like you remember that I have a theory though I have a theory because I don't really

look like my brothers so I have a theory that baby died and then they would like shit and they got a different baby and give it to me man and that's me I reckon that must have happened in life by the way someone's gone home with them By the way that has generally has happened because I've been any Senders

Ronnie and Ronnie and Katzwich babies didn't they Tommy? That would be good for that has happened because then then the Then they find out and then they have to go find the real families. Yeah, so they have half a medallion. Where are your original? No, no.

I'm on about people who'd done it and then never, like, still to this day, don't know. Hello? That's what I'm saying? Hello? Yeah, so we're saying, where are your original parents? I don't know. Two families in the West Midlands are waiting for compensation. No, but this is more point.

They know. Yeah. Well, we're up with five ones. It must be people. Well, if there's people who know, there'll be ones who don't know as well, naturally, who just haven't found out. How do you know? Well, because they didn't know until.

knew. How do you know? Because that's how knowledge works. No. You're wrong. If your life had chapter titles,

what would this current chapter be named? The beginning of the end. How long has that chapter been running now? I've got three chapters

left, bro. Do you go, what's... What's... You've only landed to your death? What's the way... If I'm alive

at past 50, bro, it's done. Yeah. I can't see that. I'm not. How old? are you? 34.

And you've had 78 jobs? Oh, yeah. I just get sacked every three months, mate. The call centre

life is just like prison bro in Manchester. Fought way, I can't do that. You go into a different call centre and you're like,

oh yeah, surf with him at fucking direct line or whatever. Serve with him. That was a sick hack back in the day to get around

universal credit and that. Get a job at a company. Do six weeks pay training and then I bounce. Get sacks to call a customer

I don't want to conning your first, do you know. What is the way eventing it all that you fantasise about the match? Ooh. I'd like to try and save a burning baby. Oh, Blaze of Glory. I like that. The baby goes obviously.

Oh, the baby dies. Oh, in your arm. Baby dies like that. And then you're trying to get out. He's trying to get out. He's trying to. It's a giant in the point. looking hero.

I want to die an hero, get back here you. Well, speak to a looking hero. Describe, oh my God. This is going to be, I don't even know what he's going to say.

Describe your teenage bedroom using three objects. It's not teenage, but it's 20s. It's probably worse, but I'm everything to be dead now. It's box room because we got the house in the will. One,

no, Michelle. So I stayed in the box room Yeah And I stayed in the same room I was conceived on Right Conceived on Yeah

How do you know where you Do you mean on How do you know In the room below In the room But that just had never been Chitted For as long as I knew

No he means I think Oh you mean He meant in Yeah Yeah Yeah On the floor

How'd you know How'd you know You know He told me Okay He told you that My mom Why?

Because They had a map My mom and my sister Why she told you that Me and my cousin and are born like five days apart, but we're doing the same day. So I went, what's going on there?

You must have all been shagging each other. No, we had a mattress room in your nannas. What the fuck is going on a young house? Oh, my God. It's just a sex room. We had a games room at the line on it. Designated sex room. Okay, so you had a mattress on the floor and people would tap in and then...

Yeah, and then just like, my mum would shag her fella, and then my sister would go... Time. Because she told this. So she'd drag her fella, get pregnant. And then my mum was going after because she... who's the youngest rat on my dad. You're just calling it like a six-aside, powerly.

You know what the big issue is here, right? And it's also the reason why you're so funny and like, you'll be serious? I'm not dead to serious, I suppose. So it's just a mattress on the floor? It was. It was. I had a bed.

I'm just getting like, is it the same mattress? I don't know if it's having changed. It has now, because I changed it on his fear. He's sleeping on the same mattress. He was fucking conceived on. I used to The most Frank Gallagher story I've ever heard of

I used to So my One of my favourite objects In that bedroom was the curtains So I used to want me Come on that curtain Oh

Oh no And because where it's situated I think I think there's three generations Of my God That's my dad's staying That's my dad's staying Yeah

But does that When you see it Oh look Same colour He's written his name Jamie, 2021. Mom, there's none of a squirt, you know. With the logistics of that, so were you coming in your hand or coming directly onto it

or coming on your belly? So, like, he said he wiped his come on the curtain. So he either, he either, no, because he might be standing at the curtain coming. Oh, well, I'll start it. What are you on about? No, no, no. There's three possibilities, mate. You come in your hand, you come on your belly, you come on the curtain.

You use the curtains, like there are tissue. Yeah. I know, so where does the ejaculate go? Yeah, on your belly. And sometimes. Do you ever get it where you forget to wipe the belly button and you wander off? I put your top on and then all of a sudden there's a wet patch.

No, I've done it. I don't... How's he said that? And that's still the weird thing in this corner. It's not accidental, but I used to like to like it... Oh, fuck off, baby. Do you like when you glued your fingers in, except...

Yeah. Yeah. I know exactly. Why is he reacted like, I feel seen? What was that called that glue? PVA, PVA, PVA glue. What were you saying? PGA?

PGA, so. So you're, hang on for a set. Your mattress must be just underneath the curtains then. Yeah, it's right. Because that would imply that you've got up, you wiped it and then. It's perfectly adjacent to belly button. Yeah, got you. That makes sense.

It's just easier than going time. Logistically, yeah, yeah. Have you seriously never have just cum in your belly button? What do you know like genuinely like because like you get all that It happens yeah

But I don't leave it there I don't leave it there Not intentionally But I'm not I'm quite a good cleaner And you see You see like little bits of fluff And you're like

Oh this is like a skis Had an affalange You see a little bit of fluff And it's like a skier's helmet Yeah And you're like Whoa they've just been drowned in the Alps bro You are

Have you cleaned yourself up before this pod? You clean yourself up before this pod? Have you ever... Have you ever reached your... Like, have you ever reached your lip? Like... Oh, yeah, I've come. You know what I mean?

Like, where, like, it's just like... For some reason, you're a bit more excited. I've had it on... I've had never went in my mouth. Oh, that's good on it. I've had it on the bottom lip before. Oh, when you're young and vibrant, do I mean? Got like a nice...

Powerhouse down there. meal down you. What is that well-balanced me? That's been easily prepared and stuff. It does help you. Does it? Yeah. Your libido.

If you're struggling to come, hello fresh, that's what I don't know. Well, they say watermelon makes it taste nicer. Pineapple, isn't it? I don't know. It depends on you like. That's not your own thing,

but just doesn't. I can attest to that. No, but we're only one item through. Oh, shit, yeah. Surely's in a hell. Oh, shit, yeah. We've got to go out of the question. We favourite items, McCurns, and that's it.

Curtains, mattress. Oh, everything you need for the operation. Yeah, maybe. And a dead rat. We did have weird Beatles. We had a breakdown when she was, like, in the 30s and that. And we adopted, like, this family from Next Over One. It was just turning to chaos, and you had, like, sleeping in the tip.

You know what I mean? Like, you like, you stood on litter. Oh. And when we... You could have cleaned it up, though, couldn't you? Nah, it was all having a breakdown, my. Oh, right. I'm fucking...

I'm not clean you. Oh, but then when we did... Over this litter on the floor, then... When we found this tide here, we found these beetles I've never seen before. So I think I've, like, discovered a species, so I'm pretty proud of that one. So that's the final line. That's impressive. Yeah.

Yeah. Beatles. Mattress curtain. Yeah, well, there's his favourite childhood items. The Big Thick. The Big Three. The Beatles, Patrick,

uh, if that's on. Fucking Mount Rushmoreth, Jesus Christ. I mean, I don't even know how to carry on now. If you're like it over the fact that, like,

he just so naturally announces he's sleeping on the same place that he's conceived on. I feel like you're the only person in... Do you know where you were conceived? No. But do you know what I was thinking yesterday? Do you know what else? thinking yesterday I don't look too much into this

but I've seen a clip and I was like that's such a good point do you think any of us here have ever ejaculated at the same time yeah well not probably no no like exactly no chance throughout our lives the exact same time no chance

it's possible within five seconds that's not the exact same time is it within five seconds I think we could off this I reckon possibly then there's four of us what times are normally thousands of francs between us yeah exactly

Stats, that's the exact same time He gave a five second buffer I'll probably give you that, yeah If it's still coming out at that point Do you think we've done it recently? Right, what's your obsession? I don't, yeah, it was just the question Where do you want to go with this question?

Why is this the only guest that's brought these questions? Well, we remember about come? Because he feels seen. I think I've come a similar time to me step, Dad. Oh, for that's why we ask boys. Well, we'll have to get him on next thing. That, please, please, I don't know. I don't even know if I want to ask this question,

please do not tell me it was because you rifle towered your mom. No, no, no. What's Eiffel towered? Have a guess. Ladd it both. One at the front, one at the back. Yeah. It's more blackpool.

Is that spit roast? What do you say? Is that not spit roast? Yeah, but it's, yeah. Yeah, but you, you, you, you touch hands. Yeah. Cool? Yeah, it's just.

Pretty cool. Yeah, sex is cool, man. Pretty good, guys. I love it at the balls going. No, I was just like, obviously, quite, you know. If you dare say, you heard them having sex and had a whang. Yeah. You.

Oh, that is outrageous. That is outrageous. I'm trying to stop. I know it's wrong. That is horrendous. That is horrendous. Now, go on, so how old were you? Now, let him say it from the...

Early 20, so I was playing for... Early 20. Early 20. It's not even like, he's out of control and puberty. This is... It was just like the moaning and that. You're like, oh, no. And then my brain, my brain couldn't know it's me, ma'am.

What, in the same house? So my, yeah, my brain's just going. Fuck. That noise. Were you intoxicated at this point? Oh. Oh, that's right. No, no.

Why would it be? Well, because then you... Then it's a bit of blur, isn't it? You could go, I was drunk, I was fucking off my head. I was fucking fancied it. I was playing for your manager, and then I just got, it weren't a horny erection, it was a scientific one. Right, right.

It was like, you know, when you forget one in the sin? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know, I was like, oh, not now, man. I'm in the fucking cup by and he fucking getting absolutely, he's like, fucking arguing me, like, fucking arguing with yourself, you're the devil. The devil. Wait, sorry, sorry.

So you're playing for a manager, you get the boner, but you can hear sex noises. Can hear about, I can hear balls on prolaps, yeah. Oh my God. But what you're saying is, you know,

it's not the fact that it's your mom. It's a scientific evolution. Yeah, all right, no, no, right. But it is his mom? Yeah, yeah. I'm not defending this. I'm just clarifying. If I was in the situation

of finishing a cup final on football manager, I had my mom having sex I'd probably just carry on I think I'd seem to be Here's a thing though We went 1-0 down And me and my mum moaned at the same time Oh my god

Shoot yourself up When you're Obviously like you've taken A hiatus from the game To finish Yeah Did you win the cup final Sorry we're not skipping past the fact

You spunked over your mom I didn't spook over me home I imagined something else To her morning to her moaning what did you imagine what did you imagine get off and work

where from work it was one of the dimension effort how did you feel okay it's finished it's left your body like what's that

post nut clarity like clarity was really I was like someone's got to change I need to get back on plenty of fish or something

let's get a fish by the way The dirty is fucking dating side there. Where's that bingo call up and bernet? Maybe she'll take me back. So, does your mom know this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's she saying? They're quite open, actually. I'm funny of that. That could be misinterpreted. Yeah, I'm really not going to delve into that. Yeah. What did, what was it like the next time you saw, look to that?

I don't know. Crossing back in the kitchen. I don't you do. No, because we always told so I went, yeah, trying to sleep. Daniel's next door. Oh.

So how does she know you, you wanked? Well, I've just said it all. I was like, yeah. I don't, I didn't want to her. You keep seeing that, but you did a little bit. You did a little bit,

but it triggered that triggered the cat. What did it sound like? Her? I just moaning and then, Dave. Dave. And like, Popper gone, I'm like, fuck, I've never made a woman sound like that, bro. Big up, Dave.

Was it, so was it? I'm coming Dave's diet. Was it not like a hard one, though? Do you know what? Sometimes were you really trying out to get it over the life? Was it just like? He had rhythm, man. I wasn't talking about Dave's rhythm.

I'm going about your rhythm. In, uh, too busy complimenting Dave. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The ball type was so in beat, do you know what I mean? It weren't like... It was... Like, she was going...

Oh, yeah. Do you have the hacker in there? Fucking out. Fucking out. It's something to make this. I was about to read one of the questions, but I don't even know. I think we've answered that. Oh, well, actually both...

No, no, I'm sorry, we need to ask us about it. If that just came out and... Is there anything more embarrassing than that? What's the most embarrassing thing? I'm not... He's not embarrassed by anything that. Yeah, that's the thing. What do you think the most objectively embarrassing thing you've ever done is?

Um, sniffing my granddad's ass. I remember... Wait, wait, wait, what was this? I was so intrigued by what my granddad's ass smelt like. He always had an ass crack and it was dead wide. I was like, fucking out. What do you mean? What do you mean?

So, like, why can you see it? What do you mean, like, Yeah, I could build his ass. Yeah, but why was the crack so wide? I don't know, that's what I'm always like... Well, the cheek's like sagging. I wonder if it smells deep. It's just like a little...

Like a cave. I'm just like the devil wink. I just don't... Because my dad's is so shallow. Genetically doesn't make sense. You know that? You mean divs? Oh, no, it's like to step.

Oh, yeah, so... So you... What did it smell like? Just deep. It smells. Earthy. Did it smell like you expect

Like it Like it Like warm breath How old are you At the time? Oh Five or six Oh

Yeah I was just been Yeah Oh that's not that real Yeah Just increased by the world You mentioned like The devil

Talking to you A couple of Is that happening a lot Yeah I get like Yeah Is he spoke to you Today

Go on Like Just just Just think Like What's the Last time The devil's

Oh Do you ever Think that Like Like just like Yeah Just don't Go ahead

Just don't go If I mean I get that Well, I get it like... Yeah, you just got to override that. So now when you, like, see a train. And imagine if I just jumped in front of it.

Yeah, like, every time. Every time, though. But like... And he lived in front of a train trek, which is it. Aye. Is that the devil or is that the angel trying to save me from other people? Oh.

Save you from me. What? Well, what are you planning on doing to people? No, I might like... Well, like, the angel might have been talking. It's like, say Hitler, for example. Right. Have we got to that?

Easy connection to make that, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm going to hear him. Angel on my shoulder. You're not the devil one boy. He's not the devil one. So what I'm saying is that... Devil were five and a love. If Hitler had a voice, going to him,

is like, kill yourself. Is that the devil or is that the... Kill yourself! Is that the devil or an angel? Oh, right. You know what I mean? Well, you'll stop yourself. It might have been an angel.

Oh, you're trying to be like this philosophical, deep, like... Well, that's what I'm known as. I'm known as that. I'd say, if Hitler said that to you, then... Hitler's not talking to me. Oh, no, he's talking about if... Come on, the devil in the end. Yeah, if...

Why did you say Hitler? No, because if... Because it's Hitler, if Hitler's voice in his head was like, oh, kill yourself, kill yourself. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It would be the devil because... It's still a bad thing, right? Because the voice you hear would be... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't care. Yeah. Any voice is the devil, man. Any boy. Yeah, I'm not really that embarrassed by things. I had a video call, uh, this one was like 15. was drinking cider in the park and that and my mates filled me crying

because I had ginger pubes and that went around the school and that was mortifying man really but wouldn't you know you have ginger pubes because I was like oh the girls are gonna laugh in me yeah don't you remember school pubes are like a big thing in school oh no it's like a statement of like

how manly I tried to grow my own pubs what like scientifically yeah what do you mean I was 11 6 4 I only bathed in swimming trunks I tried to like do the greenhouse effects on my pew

that trap heating them if I'd get a dad hot dead hot bath a dad hot bath oh that's a hot bath oh that's a surprise you slip oh daddy you said it's my turn for the tapper

is that a tapping me back or you just fixed his dick Dave tap's much bigger What's the tap throbbing? Oh, it's shooting stuff, Dad. You're dirty, dirty, girl. Yeah, so I used to trap steam and be trunks and keep it there because I've just fought like steam and moisture without.

Yeah, yeah. Do it? Help. I got pubs down, bro. Yeah. That's fair. I'd say that fucking work then you fucking junds and your cund. Didn't work?

The most you think you've done this week? Most of me think I fantasize quite a bit. Oh, God. I drift into like imagination stuff. Don't mention your family. No, no, no. And then my girlfriend's like, what was you doing? Because I'm like,

Wait, you're awake. See the visual expression. Yeah, so, and she's like, what, this time? I went, I went to one of the usual ones, which ones? What's the usual? It's the, I imagine sometimes, sometimes do this in the shower so it's weird I was doing it on the couch.

But I imagine I'm a 16-year-old orphan, yeah. And I'm in Ramsey's kitchen nightmares as a pot washer, right? So Ramsey comes in here. And he's like, this steak is raw, this is the kitchen is a disgrace. My God, these are the cleanest plates I've ever seen.

You're cleaning these plates? And I'm like, me and Mr. Ramsey went, oh my God, your parents must be so proud. And I'm like, oh, they died in a burger van accident. And he's like, oh my God, you're an orphan, but you can still clean plates like this. You're a superstar, you've got real potential. And then I get caught because I steal onions out of the bin.

Seal onions out of the bin. Because I practice me chopping at home. Do what I mean? Practice me chopping. No one don't know what you mean. No one fucking don't. No what you mean. A pot washer, right?

It's a lowly pot washer, right? And I nick like, like onions. No, I understand what you're saying. But you're saying, do you know what I mean? Like, you know what, Mark. No, because it's going to become a shit. Yeah, it's a dinner story. And I go to the care home.

I just practice all night. Were you in a care home? Because we, I'm on. It's an orphan? Oh, yeah, sorry. Sorry. I died of a burger. Yeah, sorry.

The classic burger about her. And that's why the smell of onions like makes me think of my mom and dad. Oh. in the burger. So, practicing chopping onions, and he,

Ramsey's like berating everyone and he puts his eye around me and puts me through catering college man and that's been a mission star show. Wow.

So I just, you should like Roy, well done. Like Roy chose or something. Yeah, so I do, I just do, I just drift off

little fantasies like that. So, like, say, yeah, but yeah, but say that one. You've already done it now. No,

no, I act out quite a lot. Why? I don't know, I act out being a 16-year-old dart play. Littlisorah, I fantasized that for like 10 years. He's rubbed your fly. Well, you might have brought it into the universe. He's in Madrid.

He brought it into the universe. Yeah, but so when... I could bring in a pot washer from... If there's a pot-washy who makes it Mitchell and Star, then. That's pot-washed. Yeah, so when Littler come about, did you... Was you annoyed or proud? I got tagged in it so many times.

Oh, because you meant... She spoke about it. Yeah, yeah, because I played... That is so funny. I played darts all couple. and I have a shower, and I think that I'm playing Phil Taylor because this is like...

Yeah, yeah. Back in the day. Yeah, 16 against Phil Taylor and he beats me in the final. I even get lost... I'll even lose me on fantasy because I'm humble. I just go,

I had to slow person to let anyone down. Thanks to all the support. And Phil Taylor jumps on the mic and he goes, listen to me now. This man, it's a future world champion. And he's like,

he properties under the wing and that. I just want to be a 16-year-old. Did he take you his caravan? Yeah. Where, is it... I thought it's unreal. Are you an orphan? Are you always an orphan?

He's not an orphan. Always. Actually. You're going to make it, man. I see it, you know, and there's like an earthquake or something in, like, the Middle East and that. And you're like, oh, and a, and, uh, little, this little baby, uh, this little baby I can is, uh, is now left without a mom and dad. Like, are you lucky bastard? You have no idea what you'll become.

In fairness, based on the stories you've been telling us, I'm not surprised. You think all that if you're listening to your mom that's smashed about. How long are the day dreams less than four? I've just drifted out of them, like, five, seven minutes. Do you ever have, like, lucid dreams, do you know when you're like thinking to me, how good of them? Yeah.

I shrag a lot in lucid dreams. Yeah, well, get more action that way, don't you? But I've never, I never get to come. So, like, I always get to. right there I'm like I'm like fucking shagging like I don't know fucking I'm just do you shagging in the dreams and you wake up I never know who they are I never know who they are but like mysterious I start I tried to make my own lucid dreams so I've been you can do that I've been researching dreams and that so I love dreams and drifting off so

I dream to start off as like a sheep herder but I only had one sheep and then I go to a sheep herd in competition right with one shit although they'd be like fucking at least yeah So I'm... I'm there It's like You know Really low down the pecking order Just sneak into the competition

And I come last But someone just goes Hey kid Good sheep birding And I'm like What are they from Fucking New York Sheeperding in Manhattan

Hey Kid there's a future for you Sheep was in Seattle Yeah Oh Fuck you know I can't get over that back Hey kid

Hey kid Hey, kid, you like a chip off the old block Yeah, you like what I call a shepherd And he's like And then you're going to the mob You went, you got bars, kid You got real bar I went

I used to know your, I used to know your papa I trained him Sniffed his ass And I'm like, you train my papa You train my papa? I'm going to get to say she died from the classic Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I thought, she ran up The Sheba massacre, yeah So my dad's dead and stuff He went I train your pop And I'm not trying to live up To me dad's reputation and stuff And it's just me and my grand now

So it takes me to America To some sheep herder in America Like an intensive course And everywhere I see It's like E oldie Allen And it's loads of pictures And my granddad all around This small town

My granddad is a hero To the sheep town So he went out He flew over there In the 50s And he'd revolutionized sheepherding In this small town So they all like bank him and stuff, do you know what I mean?

And he's like, he's a hero over there. And I'm like, oh my God, my hero's your hero. And then I see this whole woman. It turns out my granddad was sleeping. You're cheating on my grand with this woman. And I've got to go back to my grand. And everyone lords my granddad. And it lays heavy on me like he cheated on my granddad.

Yeah. And then I start getting really good at sheep herding. Would you want sheep? No, but then, no, I get more shit. Because people are like, oh, fuck, he's got finger. Yeah, you've got potential as well. Yeah, he's got building up. Knoxville, like, backing him.

Is it a Bill of Knoxville, sheepherder? Yeah. So I started getting cheap to like other counties and stuff. Oh, yeah. I become a county champion, represent your country. And it's become like a pretty big deal. Yeah. But I fall out of love with the game because it's all built on smoking mirrors and lies.

Do you know what? You are absolutely mentally insane. But you actually should write stuff. I'm noticing a trend of dead parents and the mentor. Yeah, but the imagination for that. The imagination is that instead of your typical... I could see that being a film.

Yeah. I'm not even joking. Yeah, yeah. But you are mentally ill. But I could see that definitely being like some sort of... A little lovely into dreams, man. Dreams and... It's like, maybe you can start getting some lucid dreams going on.

You're like your own God in your own head. It's like you start doing mad shit, whatever you want. Yeah. I started going around just smacking people, though. That's what you... But they never... But they never feel any... pain so it's like there's

this guy was like mugging me off and he kept like laughing so I was like smashing his head against fucking walls and stuff thrown on stairs but I just don't hurt him yeah all right but still it's like it's like it kind of fun though do you want to put anything into the crabby corner

crabby corner what's that so has anything pissed you off this way yeah um names of burgers oh I've seen like a guy just skits of stuff like this on TikTok when he's wait explain welcome to like

Like the, I don't know, welcome to the hot-com burger joint. Do you want us to throw our white load all over your chips? And he's like, yes, please. Can I please have your white load on my chips, right? Oh, boy, it's like the Empire State Burger and it's just got onion rings on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the burger of onion rings. That's what I think, yeah, I think, I ate wacky names of stuff.

Yeah, like the kick-ass flaming burger. Yeah, so I'm not saying that, I'm 34 and depressed. you know what I mean kick your own ass my parents are hiding in big exactly yeah yeah you're like to home

yeah you're actually really it's actually really sensitive topic fucking out you're actually stood at a counterplating he's like you've actually

tricked me there you want to try our granddad sheep but well fucking out actually Jesus That's the last thing I need to think about.

Do you do you got anything this week? Crabby Corner. Oh, I don't think I've got anything? It's hard because the one I went yesterday was or last week was the towel one, won't it? I've seen a video, though, to follow up on last week. There was a video of like these Brits abroad. So last week I basically kicked off saying

people who fucking reserve beds on all day need to die. And I've seen a video, it was Brits abroad. It was still dark and they were sleeping on the fucking sunbeds on holiday. And so, but other than that. It didn't just fall asleep in the day. No, no, no, no. It's not. It's night time.

And there's loads of them all over the beds. There's sleeping on it at night. Fucking freaks. But, uh, wait, they're leaving their towels. Well, they're sleeping on it to protect them.

That is fucking in. The night before. Like, I get, it must be like 4 a.m. or 3.m. in the morning, but there's no sun.

Oh, you have one actually to put in. It's a very niche one. I've been rewatching Jersey Shore on Paramount. Oh, yeah. And because, so I'm putting into crappy corner at TV licensing and, no, no, no, no, music licensing, because you watch Jersey Shore, right? You all see Jersey Show, you know, get crazy, get wild, F party, that's the, obviously the theme tune. Yeah.

Not on Paramount. Same in the in between us. Not on fucking Paramount, it's not. Exactly. Because it's not MTV, they don't have the license for that fucking LMFAO tune, which nobody listens to in the world other than the opening sequence of Jersey Shore when snuck up. he's going. I'm going to Jersey short, bitch. Get crazy. Go out. I back that. I don't want to hear the Paramount

fucking own... I don't even know what tune it is. I've done it when I've watched Classic EastEnders yet. You're on the drama channel? No. Nobody watches that. What number is it on three of you? I don't know. I don't...

Okay. No way. Not in the poverty, you're in bed, bro. Is you up to Sky now? I want Sky to go. Yeah, yeah. My mum's logging, but still. Yeah, so... On there, for example, they're all dancing around, oh, yeah, I love this one.

And there's no music. Oh, yeah, I know what you mean now. That's like some of the old towies are like that when they're in the club. But that is actually how they film it, ain't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just in silence going. Their plug is like all saints or whatever, new single. Oh, yeah, it's great.

Relevant to the time, yeah. silence just a glass that's one thing I wanted to know I wanted to do a silent disco yeah

where everyone's got like a big party song like chic or um so like

ah freak out yeah yeah yeah like I was staying alive like a dead disc yeah yeah and then on the other one

like dogs being tortured and then everyone's like so the one person listening to dogs and then switch it around and go what's this guy that's so funny

that's so good not real like just audio edited that should be a fucking that should be a reality show like me are that fucking you do I was a freak out I've seen like a walking disco

Edinburgh once I'd love to change just one person's headphones If you're off your head, that would be fucking unreal, wouldn't it? You'd enjoy that, wouldn't you, Lewis? I enjoy everything. Pinging out to dogs being tortured? No, imagine if that was your pinging off your air. Everyone else is dancing to freak out and you've got dogs being tortured.

The world just closing in. On acid. What the fuck is going on? Oh my God. I mean, we are going to build a perfect pub. Yeah. Which you think you're a great candidate. We say, what are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a couple weeks in the making, man. But when we get on to that, do you have, like, just one underrated thing in life that you just don't, you don't think gets the credit, and don't say sheep herders. Shepherds. Shepherds, sorry.

One underrated thing in life. We can all think of an underrated. I have my goal, I think I've said this before, but, like, do you know when you have, like, I was just peace and quiet? Do you know when you have, like, a hair that's trapped in, I don't know if you've had this. I had it earlier on the toilet.

Yeah, when you have, it's so rare, so it's so sweet, but you have like a long hair trapped in your foreskin and then you pull it. I don't have that. I've never had it in my ass. Yeah. What goes in your ass? No, it's obviously just like by your gooch and your balls.

And then obviously when you're walking around, it goes... Now, mine's like, it's sort of like in your foreskin, you pull it. And it's like, oh. It's like one of the best feelings that only men can feel. Jamie's getting a bone. I've got a good one. I think he's fantasizing about being a shepherd or whatever. He's not.

He's not there. It's not like it. I've got a good one, but I don't know if Jamie resonates because he's daydreams. But you know, the feeling of falling asleep prior to a nap, like the actual feeling of dreaming of. Oh, yeah. That is unreal.

When you know a nap's coming, that you're just so tough. What do you mean? When you're just lying there, and you know, like, maybe you've not got anything on for another three or four hours. You know you're about to nap, and then you're just like... Well, I didn't have a day. My mom's, had a barbecue around my mum's, and I was... You could only have that feeling for a little time.

I just didn't come room. I had the United Games, I could just feel my eyes. But there's no, there's no obligation to say, wait. I was just like, yeah, go on, do it. Yeah. Do it to me too. Just do it. That is another right thing.

Me, take me. I like... And unfortunately, I woke up. Yeah. Back in the day when I sleep, sleep in my moms and, like, on the circuit for five nights a week, I'd often get a lot of like Mega Busy's home like one in the morning and that

On Friday it was takeaway night And underrated seeing what they've left over It was like a gamble every time So sometimes it'd be one size of garlic bread left You're like oh no way But other times it's like a trade of donat meat An onion badge and you're like oh it's just like You pay a certain amount and they give you the

Oh no no no no no no my mum's ordered Oh sorry yeah yeah yeah yeah I've ordered I've come in like two in the morning Yeah And I'm like oh what's left now Are they the top of family to like never have the same stuff as well oh it's just you don't know it's a mixture that's fucking yeah that is a good yeah another one another food one I get slated for this by my missis but say

if we have like a dip fest night what we have like chicken nuggets and loads of sauce and that how old are you talking dip that's the greatest thing ever dip fest is that not just like when you have like put your little like no dip fest is the most important thing in your life dip fest is It's a solo job But I introduced my girlfriend It's not called DIPFest It can never be DIPFest

Because it's you know Compromise Because the witch Let me off me get So you have a plate of sauce Nice And you have five sauces Four on the outer rim

And one in the middle Now the one in the middle Is the headline act Right Right That changes every month Or every often you do Hang on so you're squirting it

Around a plate No You have a blob there, blob there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have this palette. Got you, got you. And then you have a headline one in the middle. Yeah.

Every month, that middle one has to change. Right. And you have to give a trial to a new sauce. Oh, like a new pepper sauce or a new type of... Okay, lay them out. What are you usually giving me? What dips are you doing? What's the greatest ever dip fest you've had?

Oh, yeah, go on. What's the greatest glass of me? What's your red in 2000, line up? Heinz Firecracker sauce. Oh, never had it. Discontinued. Oh. Unreal.

What was it like just a spicy, like mayo? More smoking, yeah. It's got a bit of heat, but... Are you a hot... The old bottle. That second bottle there. Wow, I've never seen that. Oh, painting.

That does look good. And I have mayo in the middle. Mayo's a good... Mayo's a good conduit. Yeah, yeah. Caracas sauce, bro. Because also, I'm guessing... I'm assuming, like,

Arce. Mayo just lets the others play. Yeah, yeah. Matt Bellini, bro. Does the dirty stuff. Absolutely. He's like... Ugly stuff. And if it is like an artist's palette,

obviously I'm guessing they can mix. Yeah, and that's what Mayo's great. Then the last dipper. The last dipper, the little washroom of all those five stars is. A bit of reggae, reggae there. Oh, yeah. I was going to see it.

Do you have double dip on this? I quintupled it. Oh, fucking hell. Do you know how many dips that is? Four? No. Five. We've only got five on the flag.

I know. So. What are you dipping in it? Guzons, chicken dippers, breaded mushrooms, onioning. Mottelloosa sticks? Nah.

Nah. Don't like mozzarella. It basically just ice some, bro. It's like Kevin Cotonas minced. Bread crumbed. Just breadcrumbs everywhere. So that's free. We got Firecracker Reggae, Meo.

Yeah. There's a, There's a hot pepper sauce. Can't remember the... Encona. A little Jamaican... Little, like, palm trees on it. It's Encona.

It's unreal. Yeah, really nice. Hot Peppers. It's a West Indian sauce. Yeah, yeah. Really cool. So I've been Encona hot sauce. N-C-O-E-A-G-E-Go.

Yeah, there you go. That one, isn't it? Yeah, that's it. That's the fucker. I always buy that. Yeah, really good stuff. You know your sauces? I see you're a man of taste.

Encona. Jarba. Just stop wanking over your mom. Oh, top five. Now, we just need a bit. I like to... Have you ever had the bomb? I always have to have a gamble on one,

like a honey mustard or something. Have you ever had the bomb? No, the hot wings one. Yeah. It's hotter than any of the other hot. No, but they created it, right? No, no, no. Is it not?

They made the hottest one on their game show. But the bomb is actually hot. Oh, okay. It almost killed you. Yeah, I'm not massively great with heat. I like that sort of level of heat. No ketchup. That's quite spicy, though.

Yeah, it's quite spicy. That's probably like the... Go on, then give us a fifth. Give us a new one. Give us one to try. Or one you've just tried and you think other people should live... I've done new ones in a while, man.

Because we go over and I have to make it more palatable job. Oh, she like... Because of the wot mob. But so after we've had all them crumbs, yeah, this is what I like to do. Which he calls it disgusting. I call it efficient, right? I like to eat burnt crumbs from the oven.

during the oven baking dish all the burnt crumbs that have been left there for ages and that some of blacken that but that taste horrible now oh it tastes amazing how when can i ask when did you discover when did you discover that when did you discover that taste amazing because it has to be a first time where you were so fucking hungry you were like yeah i'm gonna eat the shit at the bottom it's just i can't be asked putting it in the bin so you're like oh i just um do you're like when you get to the end of the bag and you're... I might lick in the bag, but the oven chris. Just from...

Oh, it tasted your mouth. Fuck me. Yeah, that's one she doesn't really like. I think I can see why she doesn't like. Right, let's build the perfect hub. Yeah, this is so wild, man. I feel like this is going to be... I mean...

I should probably try to copy her. this before-hand because someone might jump off the back of it and actually try and build it maybe we should build it maybe we'll just do it then build a pub like backside arms I think yeah the back the name has to be what we're going to the backside arms we're going the backside location right firstly I think it has to be up north it's got to be northern I don't think you want a city centre though fuck that you want like uh somewhere town low yeah town yeah so on city center now you're gonna get people in in on a random night hour who aren't proper local yeah yeah yeah coming in and just fucking

No, no, not a city centre, but a high street. Like a town and high street. I think on a, yeah, you want a good amount. I think town local in an Uber distance to the city centre. I think that's where you want. Otherwise you get a 10 minutes out of town, Sunday. No riffraff. Yeah, town local, 10 minutes from city centre.

Anyway, or town centre, whatever. Yeah, and then you have more chance of having a nice spear garden as well. You'll have a bit more speed. Yeah, you have to have a beer garden. Yeah, proper. Sheffield and north. You have to know everyone.

You're like knowing everyone. in there. Exactly. You don't, if some... Yeah. And you're like, don't remember about the old bloke in the corner, he keeps pissing himself. He's been doing that for 20 years. He's Jamie. You used to be a comedian. You get used to the smell. It's mad because I'll still go back to me,

though, whenever I go back home. Just make it for the pubs still running. And it's like, we have the same, like, guy who, in the corner, it's like when I was 16 and he was all... He's, like, he's always there. He doesn't say a word, but everyone fucking knows him, and he'll just sit there quiet and, like, have his drink and that. And I'd never say it's a word to anyone but he's just reliably

there every day I fucking respect it yeah you need that and I'll tell you what else you know it's not pubs but you need a paedophile on every street yeah we had a Pido he was one of the bartenders he used to always when you get a bit drunk he'd start flirt with you at that point yeah I will I don't how can he be a Pido then

if you're in a pub? Not Pido or not Pido but like uh you know what I mean bouncing castle Sunday getting other kids pizza and they're six we're on about a pizza well to be fair you used to get in like at 16 Is that? Yeah, but that's legal age, isn't it?

Ah, but it was not a peed up, but, like, still a bit dodgy. You don't know whether you can tell, like... Oh, yeah, like, I understand, yeah. Yeah, it'll be colossal, because sometimes you'll see he's getting a bit handsy with your mate. I don't mean, like, a child molest. I mean, just want, you'll put people who wear a fleece and that. Don't mean, like, don't kick your ball on his guard. Yeah, you have got a point.

You could have been 16, 17, but he's still a peed. Yeah, I still dodgy, like, that's just what you call him, you're a fucking... Don't get me wrong. I never got the attention. I could call, like, if someone if all locals like that with me now, I'd be like, you're a p-ed, don't you? You just either scared him out of every estate.

Yeah. I used to try and, oh, no, I'm not going to say that. What, surely something worse than what he said? There was kind of one of them on my street, and I was younger, and he had kids, and I did just feel a bit sorry for the kids. So I remember there was like this berry bush on our road, and one of his kids was only about five or six,

and I was like 10 or 11 at the time. And I remember I used to, like, pick the berries off. And I'd be like, go and give that to your dad. I didn't know if they were poisonous one. I was hoping they was. But I'd be like, God, go and give that to your dad. And he'd be like, really? I'm like, yeah, he loves him.

He told me, he told me to tell you to give him to him. And I reckon he would, he would have gone in and got actually beaten up. So I do feel a bit bad about doing that. Yeah. But I did try to help him. I tried to help him out of the house. I was like, go on. I'm assisting your dad to death.

I was like just grooming kids with berries. Having sex with him wasn't part of the plan. He done did this. Your dad told me to do this. Yeah, anyway, he didn't die. He's still knocking around? Yeah, I think he just kept beating his kids. It's not sad, but I tried my best.

Point spread, max of force. I think we all get a point each year. I'll go perone. It's a great shout. You're going to go inches. I'll have to go a cider. You can't neglect that part of the... Go on, man.

It can. Yeah, we'll go inches. I'm big on an Estrella at the moment, so I'm going to put Estrella. Great shout! Yeah. I'm going to go with... We've got two strong lagers there. You know what you want to say.

You know what you're going to say. It's got... Throw in a jubel. No, it's got to be. Throw jubal in. People want to split it, man. Oh shit, yeah. We do need a Guinness now.

I tell you what, it'll be... It's got a beginning. I tell you what? Oh, 164 Blanc. I tell you what, I don't mind it on, but none of the bars are for doing all that, letting it rest shite for these fucking little lips. No, they are. That's how you're going to have it, right?

No, don't. Oh, it's got to be pointing Dublin, mate. Yeah. I'm just going to set up, let it sell for 40 minutes while I use all drink your pint and have a laugh. I'm just going to be here, fuck the Guinness. In fairness, that is a reason not to have it. I don't mind Guinness, but Guinness drinkers are bad. Because I don't.

Yeah, so it's just a... Nobody drink Do you fair If you don't have it You don't have it You can let it track them in as well It's on But the pint glasses

On the pump So Actually give me 1664 Blanc Very very good beer And it's a bit A bit of citrusy in that It's a good lineup I think that's a good lineup

It's a bit line up For like the recruitment consultants who might stumble That's a very Yeah that's a very central Londony line up I think that Salt and vinegar If we would do it

If we were attracting a northern crowd, how would we change the... Carlin. Carlin Guinness. Boddington's. And then the local aisle. Domestic abuse, leaflets. Tears.

Fourth one. Just tears. Right, snack, I've got to have nuts. Oh, yeah. Scampy fries. Oh, yeah, scampy fries, nuts. Yeah, salted peanuts. And noblies.

I like the fucking brown ones. I don't like poor fries. Scrassings, but you got to have them. Yeah, I never really have them. Do you not like them? I don't like scratching. Oh, mate, that's so good. Sometimes they're like wet, aren't they?

Yeah, that's the fun. I'm like, why are you wet for? It's been there for fucking ages. A soggy sat scratching, bro. Soggy scratching, for rolling. And then one more, one more. Crisps? I think a little bit.

Get a McCoys in there if you want to pick a bag for the table. Oh, McCoys are not at Chris. I'm not a pub, Chris. Why? and fucking me they're most commonly there they are you mean

they're not they're not you have walkers or quaver yeah rip them open you rip them open you rip them open

and you share with you mate yeah you can do that with Coiz or no you can quiver me what sort of

fucking pub is yeah that's that's that's what that's what shity pub yeah yeah

it's showing pride month mate yeah ha ha ha ha ha now you can't have quivers you're

not eating air no you can have quivers no that's bullshit oh McCoys oh my coys So walkers then, meet them in the middle. Oh, walkers, walkers.

Okay, layout. Shatting it? Layout. I like a nice... Need a beer garden. I like a nice feeling pubs. You know what I mean? Where, like, the couches are a bit more worn down

with the little mosques, like, you know what I mean? I don't like the modern sort of layout leaves. Yeah. There's still lagas scenes from the 80s. Yeah. But when it looks like that, you don't feel like you're too on edge.

You feel like you're a bit more fucking... No, no food. Pool table. Yeah. And they're dying out, by the way. Benches. Benches or Benches or

Only snacks What's your Chipping X-O Yeah genuinely We're having an Epidemic At the moment

By the way Where Poole tables are dying Out and put No no No no no No no Not old

Sorry not small Not small No big one mate No I want a big Big but like Classic You don't want a too big

Because then you Inviting Too many people in No no But he's got to be A decent size And a big organ And big on

The size of the Vic Yeah Yeah. That's all right. I don't mind, man. It's enough for everyone on the square. Yeah, like the size of Queen Vic with a beer garden. Nice beer garden.

And local dealer goes in. Local dealers are regular. That's the quirk. Put that in bold, please. Put the dealer in bold, please. Right. Yeah, quiz not, no, sport quiz nights. We haven't done the game.

We haven't done the games. Poole table, dart and one of those slidey things, that's all you need. No, that's so good. No, you get a little mini one, that's good, Lama. You've changed you. We had one up in the block.

You want a shuffleboard in a pool. A little mini one. You fucking scary. You want to have a little quaver. I want quivers for people like you. You play shuffles. Don't get me a pack of quivers, Monty. Quaver and shuffleboard.

No, my God. You can swim back in the corner. What do you mean? They're massive. Nah, because you used to, you used to be able to play with your beer. You used to have the beer like half full, and you can slide your beer on,

and you can make it into a drinking game. We're not having that. We're not having drinking games. You should do a... Let's get pissed on. Should have a skittal alley that's external in the beer garden. No. No.

What do you have to make... What are you trying to make this a kiddie fucking fool? No, it's all allowed for one. You know what skittal alley is? Do we have a laser quest? Do you know what Skittlally is? There's a... There's an annex with a...

You go to it, or a boys go, there's a skittl alley. It's not like... I'd rather kill myself. I don't know what Skittles are. No. What? They're like mini bowling is shit. It's class.

That's worse than what I said. All I only one, all I want is pool darts and loads of telly. A quiz machine. And loads of tennis. Yeah, definitely. Fruities. To lose me bollocks. Oh, fruit.

Yeah, definitely fruities. Yeah, and a quiz machine. With fishing frenzy big catch on as well. We have to have a quiz machine. Yeah. By the way, there's no way you have karaoke, because that does me head in. It's not worse when you're going to the pub and you're looking forward to a good night, and they have like karaoke night on.

And like you have the same fucking group of lasses who won't get off here, and they're just fucking made it. I don't mind playing music, but not karaoke. Karaoke is fucking brutal, listening to fucking cold play. Yes, we're going to do a sports quiz every Monday. She's, he's not coming back, Karen. Fuck off the mic. Singing Adele.

He don't want to have. No one's ass. Get on Mangaro. Monday Sports quiz. We're going to do, what else can we do? No kids, no kids allowed. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'll tell you what, put on a carvery.

Put on a carverie on the food. Not on a Sunday, on a Sunday only. No meals. Put some of what on meals. On the Sunday, I want a car for you. We've got a chipping next door. Oh, do we? Saturday discount points, 12 to 5.

Can you bring the food in as well? Yeah. Should have that. Yeah. We'll have pool night, like, pool, pool. Darts League. We'll do the Darts League. Darts League.

Every Thursday. evening. Mayor, so we actually fucking... Oh, this is so horny. Yeah. It would be classed at owner pub,

like, and then live music every Saturday night. Yeah. Maybe a bit of bingo on a Sunday. Nah, we're bringing the old...

We don't want to have... Oh, yeah. But he's going to be in the corner permanently, so he needs something on a Sunday. Bingo. Like, little shit you bingo. I think we're happy with that.

Fuck, you know, that is an unreal pub. Yeah. Well, that is... Ah, there we go. There is the perfect pub. The backside arm. I mean, maybe...

No one launches that, by the way. We need... Well, we might need to do it. Leave in the comments what your perfect pub would be. Please like, subscribe. Jamie, plug your tour, whatever the fuck you do, you're free. Jamie H-comed.com. Now, there is another website, jamiehcomedy.

But I lost the login. Jamie Medium. He's still got the 2017 tour, mate. Can we put the link in this? Will. Yeah, it'll be down below. Yeah, it'll be down below. Jamiehcomadion.com.

I'm coming to less of a square. in April, I think. All up and down. You're going anywhere in the northeast? Yeah, doing the Tine theater. Okay. That's the biggest one at the tour. What are your Midlands dates?

Are you doing Birmingham? Yeah, Birmingham, Nottingham, Lester, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All in. Get involved, man. £20,000, get me out of the skip, bro. Let him... He wants to have a bet.

Get me out the skip. And if you subscribe when we're all five stars, he'll permanently replace Thiel. With Jamie. That's a deal. Bye. Thanks for 50 Kitt. You made it to the end. Well done you. If you haven't already hit that follow button, why not?

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