Back Side - Lewis FINALLY Reads His JOURNAL! Reev achieves SIGMA STATUS & Tom’s Pain Olympics Plan

Episode Date: May 28, 2025

If you'd like to work with us, email the studio on [e-mail] by The Fellas Studios: https://fellasstudios.com/podcastsTheo:https://youtube.com/c/HiMalfoyhttps://youtube.com/c/TheoBakerVlogsOllie:https://youtube.com/c/reevhttps://youtube.com/c/OllieFletcherTom Garratt:https://www.youtube.com/@TomGarratt10Lewis:https://www.youtube.com/@lewisbowden1 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to a new episode of Backside with me, Reeve, Theo Baker, Tom Garrett and Lewis Bowden. If you haven't already hit follow, why not tap it right now for new episodes every week. And if you want to see more Backside, catch us on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram, where all you have to do is search Backside. Let's get into it. It's time for Lewis's journal. I can't express to you how little I, how much I am regretting this. Just remember we're all here for you mate. Entry number one. So mom and dad bought me,

okay, so mom and dad bought me a couple of books today. So I thought I'd use one as a journal. Aw. I just want to be the old me. I must have been really going through it. Oh dear, how is that entry number one? Woo! Woo!

Woo! Beast mode! Don't forget to subscribe because we are so close to 100,000 subscribers. Thanks for 50k. Thanks for 50k. Thank you for 50k. Thanks for 50k.

Beast mode! I think after last week, you're not allowed to talk about your golf stories ever again because everyone was really bored. Yeah, do you know what I think I said to the on the train? You got cooked in the comments. Because of reasons we know, but like that was going to be trimmed down.

Well, it's going to win. But that was going to be a 15 minute story, but then also I was- I'm not editing anymore. What reason? Oh. I was going to be editing that, it would have been trimmed to like 15.

But you were busy at the races, which we can talk about. Yeah. Once again, he misses the backside vlog. Yeah, poor for me. He's missed more than I have. No, it's not true. I don't think that's true.

We replaced him with Jack Lewis twice. All I can say is me and Lewis haven't missed one. We had a good time. That's Beast Mode. You were the generals. No, that's not plural, mate. We're just the pawns. I'm the Beast Mode general, he's the soldier.

Beast Nash. That's gone beyond a tick now. What the Beast Nash? It's a movement, I'm bringing out merch. It's a way of life. I'm bringing out merch, and you're not allowed to buy it. Please don't buy it. Yeah, the race is really fun. I had zero winners.

Yeah, I think no one had a winner. Did you two? No, I lost seven. Let me tell you about that. Oh no, they had one winner, sorry. One winner, I won 30 pound on one winner and then lost it. How much did you put on to win the 30? 10. 10, I won it. It was world you put on to win the 30? 10.

10, I won it. It was world at one, it was two to one. But it was a really bad day for the betting. That's why I don't bet. But it was a fun day in general. Yeah, you guys got to run on the track, right? What's that? He set a record?

The fastest human to run a furlong. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Serious record by the way. No, no, I believe that. You look like Wolverine. I love believe you're allowed on the track. Oh, what's that fucking click back? I was going fast.

And then we went down to the starting stalls. I got in and became a horse. Yeah, sort of. OK, that was really is that where the constant eating comes from? No, I don't think you would have enjoyed that. Yeah, I would have done. It was very cool to see. Becky was good, right? Yeah, she's very funny. Wasn't it really odd how quiet at the starting stalls it was? Like it was quite eerie, wasn't it?

Were they after me? I don't know if it was for the horses. No, I know, but it's weird that there's... What you expect? Just get in the horse and it'll fucking work. It's completely alone, like how electric the horse racing is, but it's so calm before the storm.

It's really cool. Yeah, it's for that reason. As soon as they're in, like as soon as the last horse is in, it's like two seconds and then they're off. Yeah. It's wild. Can you remember making that joke

that got shut down very quickly to the current jockey? What's her name again? Joanna Mason. Yeah, because you made a joke about like, I don't know, getting them agitated and then she was like, no, that's really dangerous. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She clearly didn't get the song. She was lovely though.

Yeah, friend of the show. She was lovely. She's definitely a friend of the show now. How many bevs did we all get for you guys? We actually didn't get drunk. I don't think we had a chance to drink. Genuinely, because we were like up and down and like trying to get the filming side.

We actually didn't have a chance to just sit there and drink. I think I had three pints. Didn't have too much. In like what, seven hours? Oh yeah, I had one pint and then a couple of gin and tonics and I think that was, but I didn didn't drink because I traveled on the way There on my own, right? I didn't drink

I'm not gonna sit there on my drink in like a sadder We we met some three elderly gentlemen on the train who I'm pretty sure they were ex-premier league referees How do you know that because they said I was a referee for 40 years When you told me you thought you out on that small detail of them saying, yeah, I was a ref for 40 years. He might not have been like division one, you know what I mean? He might have been like, but I sort of recognised him. This is what blows my mind, right?

I didn't clock it till the end and we were talking about a referee. What do you mean you didn't clock it? When he says, when he says, I was your Premier League referee or I was a referee for 40 years, oh, no way, what league a referee for 40 years. Oh, well, I would go, no, why? What league, where? Yeah, what did you ref? No, but we were talking about the football in general. I don't know what part of this you're not getting.

It's still perfectly set up for him to dig deeper. He's probably stuck there waiting for you to ask so he can tell you. It's an open question. Yeah. I was on their table and they are the four next to me here, so I was like mid-converse when I battled two conversations.

So you just ignored the people in front of you. I thought that's what was that. It doesn't make sense. It was it. They were... Who do they support again? You were talking to them. I don't know. I can't remember. They were cracking open a bottle of prosecco.

In Costa Cup, yeah. I mean, it's just so annoying. He didn't find... Why would you not reply to that going, oh, no way, that's so cool. What level, what league? It was cleaning. I didn't click was so annoying. He didn't find that. Why would you not reply to that going? Oh, no way. That's so cool What level what league? I didn't clock it till the end. What do you mean you didn't clock it? It's not like he had like a badge on that said I was a former referee He's like, oh fucking I didn't clock it till I was leaving. I would have asked him. He told ya!

You didn't tell me that he actually told ya. You just showed me pictures like I think I recognise him Yeah, and he does it. He says to me, he's like, do you recognise these? I was like, no, he's like, cause I think they're Premier League referees. And I was like, what makes you say that? He's like, he told me. I was like, why did you ask him his name? Fucking idiot.

He's absolutely- You got a fair point there. They are gonna be fucking mental at times. You know how like Piers Morgan goes in, right? And he interviews like murderers. We're not on an interview, we're on a train. Do you not think that that would be amazing to watch him question the murderers? He just took about food. Don't get why you did it. Because they're probably the serial killers come into that scenario. Not serial killers. Yeah, they do. Not all

John Wayne. Gacy did. Who's that? Oh my god. West did. Who is that? The clown. John Wayne Gacy did. Who's that? Oh my God. Red West did. Who is that? The clown killer. Not John Wayne you're thinking of. You know, I didn't really look. The gay cowboy though. Yesterday on stream when I read that out, I only said John Wayne, but he had written John Wayne Gacy. Yeah, John Wayne Gacy's a serial killer. I thought that was double power. When you read it he's a gay cowboy. Now, do you know what the serial killers like? They're going in there, the sociopaths, He thought he meant it. He thought he meant it as a gay cowboy. Now, do you know what the serial killers like? They're going in there, the sociopaths, so they're trying to like outsmart the-

Sorry, the interview. Yeah, they're trying to outsmart the interview straight away. I think they get it with you, and very quickly they'd be like- It'd be a psychopath. Yeah, stick them in there and see what happens. What? What?

I reckon I'll have a one-on-one with a psychopath or a sociopath. I bet I'll fucking come out on top. I actually think they would, because I think they'll be- That sounded would. Cause I think they'll be- That sounded really like- I think they'll be actually expecting like a certain level of like battle,

intellectual battle. I don't think it's like with him, it's like trying to outsmart like a panda. And it's like, what's the food like? What angle can I take? First of all, you act like I'm not fucking highly intelligent.

Oh. Which I am. Oh. All right, tell us something intelligent. No. Oh. Your small brain wouldn't understand my I don't have to prove my intelligence to you. That's do the talking. What's your staff? So that's that's what we see. Do you know what got in psychology? Hey, well, level A. A level. So tell us something you learned. Second year I only needed my BTEC sport to get into uni. So I got a U and an E.

I balanced it out to a D. That's not good show. I didn't need it. I didn't go like do the exam. Yeah. You outsmarted the game. You're intelligent. I outsmarted the UCAS system.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I just needed 360 UCAS points. I got like 800 by doing two B's. I didn't go like do the exam. Yeah. Yeah. You outsmarted the game. You're intelligent. I outsmarted the UCAS system. Yeah. Yeah. Because I just needed 360 UCAS points. I got like 800 by doing two. I just went and lied to them. I got onto it.

I got all over the UCAS points. I got put onto like a journalism degree. And I wanted to be on the better one. That was like me. Journalism. So I just went in and told them I was supposed to be on this other course and you switched it. And the teacher, when I came in, the teacher was like,

who are you? I was like, Who are you? What are you scratching your ass when I came in, the teacher was like, who are you? I was like, he went, who are you? But like, it took like double the marks that I needed. But I didn't know. Before we continue, before we continue though, we must preface the show today because we have some exciting and breaking news at the end of the show.

So make sure you stay tuned. Let him talk. At the end of the show, so make sure you stay tuned, drop a like right now and subscribe. Tell all your friends and family to subscribe. Also don't skip to the end right now. Just watch this from here on. We've still got gas gobbles, don't worry.

I know you all want gas gobbles. Lewis Bowden has brought in his journal and he's going to read it at his own will and we haven't got him a gun point. I put in, I just want to say it, I put in the chat, I still reserve the right to not read it. I've got it here as an option, but I feel, when I tell you, when I read a section that I'll be read, possibly reading today. No, you're reading it.

You're reading it. I was reading it. I'm genuinely, if you have headphones, turn it down. But I was like, no, I was like screaming. So dramatic. It was like, no, it was, ah! You didn't do that. I just didn't do that.

That was more of a feeble, no, it was, ah! And I had to like put it down and I had to like be like this. Like you didn't realise in the group chat, you boy up. Nobody can mention it. I found it. We've forgotten it for like four weeks. That's true. No, this is a dilemma I have, right?

Guys, I really don't want to bring it in. No, this is a dilemma I have because I know it will be very funny and good for you. And it'll be good content. It's good content, but it's like, at what point am I willing? Sacrifice yourself? Yeah. Yeah, possibly. No, So you think you're going to sacrifice yourself? Yeah. Possibly.

No, if you think we can do without it, then we will proceed without. We are definitely doing it. Once it's on the dock, you can't say it like that. You're outvoted 3v1 anyway. Yeah, but that might be coming up. I feel very sick at the thought of it. We went to the races, we went beast mode, not on the betting, but just in like life. In life. In life and the day. And then over the weekend, I can't lie.

He was on his way to becoming a Sigma status, but I think Reeve might have achieved Sigma status over the weekend. What's that mean? What's Sigma? Oh, fuck. He net three siders during a half marathon. No way. Fuck off. That's no three whilst watching. Running whilst running it mate. He dropped a sub two hour half marathon three-siders deep.

Wait, how's that legal? What? You tell me, pal. It's not illegal. That's absolutely raucous. Yeah. They did have a line of police at the end. That's what would take me away, officer.

You're so goofy. I'm so shit. Oh my god. No, but he did have a cool moment. Played the tape where he like grabbed it and went... Well, yeah, seeing when you're running, you were doing the funny thing with your legs. I was just looking at the guy behind you.

He was like fucking like... It's Chip. Yeah, then we always... No, there's another guy in the shot. Yeah, that's his name. And then it was obviously too good because then they came... They came.

27 minutes later, the stream. Yeah, like four hours later. Yeah, that was really... At least you're not butt hurt by it. I'm not. Yeah, like four hours later. Yeah. That was really nice. At least you're not butt hurt by it. I'm not. Just unprofessional really. It's nice, yeah.

I mean, it's just unprofessional. Well, Lewis was later than us. Yeah, you actually didn't arrive on the table. And then we also, then we went for a few, but Roger Eno is after, which Theo dragged us to this pub. Yeah. Fucking 15 minute line bike was knackered.

And then he leaves without even having a drink. Not even a single bite. He just went. Hey, if I talk. And you didn't even say bye. That was really rude. Rude. I didn't know I was leaving. I'm not. At the point of where you're leaving. Touch the what? I don't want to touch any matters. Touch the mat. I'm not. No. How can you not know you're leaving as you're leaving? Well, it's blindfolded and dragged out by my feet. I don't know if that's how it happens. I don't think that's actually how it happens. I'm actually very excited to have some Beverageinos.

Well, you weren't actually. He always gives it a big and I thought. I thought you meant, no, no. He never does it. I'm not having this, it's not my fault. Right, straight after this, we'll go on the piss then? No, we got to go play the Emirates. Oh, it's all so, you know.

Anyway. Yeah, I know, but seriously, what Ollie did Emirates. Oh, it's awesome, you know. Anyway. Yeah, but seriously, what Ollie did on the Hackney Harve was pretty truly remarkable as a friend. He paced my girlfriend to a sub-2 hour marathon. You're gonna let him get away with that? And not only that, not only that... Come on, you want to tell him or shall I? What? He broke the sound barrier and the speed of light.

That is true actually, yeah. I didn't want to bring it up, but I'm officially the best runner of all time. His official chip time of the Hackney half marathon is? Have a guess. I've seen it. I've seen it. One second. One second.

He just went... Did you not just go over the start line and back over like that? I did the running in the middle. Obviously I didn't think he's picked it up, Lou. He ran too fast, mate. I was trying to track it and I was wondering why. Why did he move his foot? I already finished it.

You just weren't there. I just moved my foot on the course. Do you want a little question? Yeah. That's it, we're not really touching on anything else. It's boring. No, this is what we do. Sorry, it's boring.

We talk about it for a bit, then he gives us a question that we probably score. Oh, what did he do? She put one foot in front of the other for half a other. I didn't even bring up my birthday trip. Yeah. Golf trip. Cause I feel like no one wants to listen to golf. This guy went up to Scotland for five days.

Fucking ripped the shit. We want to hear about the golf. What happened on the court? And then got Achilles tendonitis. Yeah. We got to hear about the golf stuff. You know something happened. It was one in 12 and a half billion. Oh, that is true actually.

Yeah. We should actually bring it up. Right. So on my birthday, which was the Monday, the first day we went up there, Harry got an Albatross. Jesus. Well, later, where did you go, who with? I went with Cal, I went with Randy, and I went with Harry. Be smart. Because it was originally prefaced as a golf trip,

and then it turns out that both Randy and my birthdays were on the first two days. It wasn't planned, but it is what it is. Be smart. So yeah, par five, 190 yards out, that both Randy and my birthdays were on the first two days. It wasn't planned, but it is what it is. So yeah, par five, 190 yards out, cow whoops out his camera, films the entire thing. What are the chances of that? I think that's what the chances are.

The chances are one in a million. That's what the chances are. Who calculated this? Chachie V2. AI. Then what? Day after Randy's birthday, bearing in mind Harry's given me a present of a two and a par five, I've never seen one before, fuck it, that's pretty impressive.

Day after, Harry gets a hole in one. No way. On a par three. On a pot. Yeah, obviously. What a ridiculous thing to say. Obviously, yeah. Me and Nicholas in par. Yeah, par four all in one.

Which the stats of those are one in 12,500. So you combine those and the chance of Harry doing what I did back to back days is one in 12.5 billion. Wow. And to be the same, we worked this out as well, it's a bit nerdy, but to be the same three spectating as the four ball is one in 87. No, one in 875 billion.

We get it, it's unlikely. It's unlikely. He completed golf as an amateur in two days. What happened once he did the hole in one? Oh, we left the course. We were on the 11th hole and we were like, fuck it, let's go to the clubhouse and get drunk. But I raised this with Harry.

That's pretty sweet. If you get a hole in one, you have to buy the clubhouse a drink. He only bought you a drink. No, he bought all of us a drink. But you need to buy the whole clubhouse a drink. Yeah, you're supposed to though. Yeah.

They were strangers in a different country. He probably can't afford it, can he? It's not really a different country. Scotland is a different country. It's a little bit up though. Scotland is quite literally a different country. I'm sure they still would like a free drink. No, I don't think so these Scots want a free drink.

I know, but he's saying different country as if it's like Portugal and they might not speak the language. Why would you shoot Portugal? But why does being in a different country in Scotland matter? I was just raising the point of it being a different country, that was all. Just a fact. Be snash. Facts isn't facts. Stop. Be snash.

Yeah, but that's the worst golf I've ever played in my entire life. I knew what you did from it. Yeah, and I got the most old man injury of all time. Achilles tendonitis from walking up and down hills. Really? Yeah. Because you're 30 now, that's why. Yeah.

I'm 31. How did you get 31? Yeah, I'm 31 as of Monday. Holy shit. You're well-oiled. Do you know where the Achilles heel comes from? What? The, you mean Brad Pitt?

It's when Achilles got an arrow to the Achilles. True. Brad Pitt? Brad Pitt died, yeah. And that's why it's his heel. How did that kill him though? Well that was the only, because he got dipped in the fountain of immortality, but by someone held him by his Achilles.

They think they found the fountain of youth by the way, have you seen this? No, it's a film mate coming out. No, no, they think they found the fountain of youth. It's in like this private island where if you if you draw a line, island, if you draw a line between all the so if you draw a line, come on, come on, okay, from all the wonders of the world, all the pyramids and that and they all intersect at the same point. What's there? There's an island north.

There's an island there and you go to the island and on there, there's a fountain of youth. But the island's owned by the rich. So we can't go there. Who's telling you this? I can't remember his name. It's something Geller and he used to be a magician. Uri Geller. Uri Geller. Yeah, that known charlatan. Wait, so a magician is telling you something exists and you've believed it. He went there and then he pulled a rabbit. Yeah. It's out of a hat on. It's just not the ones I'll go to. Yeah. They found the you're an idiot. That bomb Mortimer. This comes from somewhere. You know, it's not just like the people just make it up. Legends come from somewhere like dragons and stuff. Right. There's dinosaurs that exist. What?

Well, you know, every weekend. Screamed at me. I've done absolutely nothing. Cleaned yourself for 45 minutes in a bathtub. Yeah. Spent 45 minutes in a bath, getting scrubbed down by my girlfriend. Naked by the way. Sounds bad.

I picked the same vein of questions as the ones you enjoyed last time. So should we do, do you want to do a couple? Reeve questions live. Reeve's got questions. I'm questioning my whole life. That's you, me in the head. All right. You got all your boys with you for one night. Yes. I'll rent a Lamborghini in Dubai. I'm sucking it. Is it first time out in a new city or a hometown reunion? Oh, Jesus Christ. You know what? Let's go into it. So Hometown Reunion, that's like going around your old place. Yeah, you visit all the classics.

Is it? Are we pretending that we haven't been there for ages? Yes. Yeah, I think it's a new, I don't like Seaford and Nottoward anymore. I think it's, I think you're missing the point. This thing, because the problem is, if I had my boys in a new town, it's way better. All our pubs are closed. Yeah, like we know it's all torrid. I know it's hypothetical. So are the old black lines?

It's not. Is the black line happening reality? Well, I know that is the black. But this is what is the black line open? I don't know. I've never been to the line. It's closed. No, we're just going to say it's your perfect hometown.

Yeah, perfect hometown reunion. Perfect hometown reunion. All the boys you ever see in ages. It doesn't exist anymore. Or brand new city that you've never been to. Yeah, but you're with the same boys. Same boys. Yeah, brand new city for sure. What city is it?

I'm not sure. I haven't been to... I think maybe the new city just for like a bit of freshness. Some vibes. Well, we answered that pretty quickly. Yeah, I think I'd probably get one about you, Chimp. It depends what city. Like real...

Choose one! Real de Janeiro? Yeah, all right. What's it real as well? Like if Real Madrid's rolling. Real de Janeiro. Real de Janeiro. If it's Real de Janeiro, I'll go.

But it'd be like- You can choose the fucking city. I'm saying- You fucking wind me up with this segment. I'm saying, but if it's Paris, obviously you're not gonna- Don't choose Paris then! Yeah, you get to pick me.

It's home, like the greatest night at home. Also the black line, no the problem is, I like being hometown but the black line's closed. I will tell you, I know really- Fucking hell. I know a really good gay bar which do loads of pints in Paris. Did you?

Fuck yeah right. DC. You were there. Where's that? What? You're not there? I've been to a few gay bars, it's quite fun. It seems true, Jordy and what?

I went to a gay bar and- I didn't go to Paris go to a gay bar. Oh, mate, it was wild. They were serving milkshake beers. Did you just pretend I was, I'm with you at things. I just assumed you were always there. They're serving like 10% beers. Damn. Yeah, really bad. You had none of them because you were funny.

No, I actually had so many I have face planted on my balcony and busted my nose open because I'm a lad. Yeah, you telephil. Do you want another one? It really hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me another one. Legs.

Legs. Legs. Legs. Legs. Legs. Legs. Legs. Legs. Legs. I always farted on my balcony and busted my nose open because I'm a lad. Yeah, you telephil. Do you want another one? It really hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give me another one. Late night kebab versus preferred takeaway or morning after a fraught, naughty breakfast. Late night kebab. I think I'll go. I think late night takeaway. Speaking of which. I love the hangover breakfast thing.

Disagree strongly. A few beers and a Chinese. Oh no, last time I did that, I did shit myself. Usually that's a recipe. Hey, you said you didn't drink that night. I guess I did. Quite literally saying he had a solo pint at a trap office at the Chinese. You have to be smashed. No, no, no, honestly.

Just two beers. Two beers. No, for this scenario, that doesn't count as drinking for this scenario. When we were in Edinburgh with Waffelin, we went to a kebab know, but for this scenario, that doesn't count as drinking for this scenario. When we was in Edinburgh with Waffelin, we went to a kebab shop, had a kebab, and then a deep fried Mars bar whilst hammered, oh my God, I think I came.

I think you just came again. He just did again, he's covering it. You know nothing else turns him on as much as food does. Let me talk to you about cheesy chip wrap with Don and me in it as well and lettuce and ketchup. Is that the one where you pretended that you made it up? Cheesy chip wrap with Don and me in it. Is this the one you invented?

Add whatever sauce you want, say okay. Don and ketchup is crazy. It's gotta be garlic mayo and chili sauce. Garlic mayo is absolutely fine. Chili sauce be small, yeah. Garlic mayo and chili sauce with a diamond crab. Do you even like garlic mayo? You hate mayo.

I like garlic mayo when it's in something, when I can't really see it. Oh, what if it's inside your ass? That's fine by me. The problem is, Jodie's sucking it out. Yo, have you seen- No, no, have you seen the baby bird? The Tiger King's bumhole.

No. Definitely not what I was about to say. I wanna see that. If he was gonna say the same thing, you both have serious problems. I was about to say. I wanna see that. If he was gonna say the same thing, you both have serious problems. I was about to say baby bird video. Please Google tiger king bumhole print. And after that, there's no way

I should have come up on the work computer. Please Google tiger king bumhole. After that, can you search baby bird eating bumhole? Won't it be on Reddit? He put ink on his arse, he's bumhole print on a bit of paper. That can't be right. You can't get the paper onto it,

cause of the cheeks. Go down, go down. It can't get the paper onto it because of the cheeks. Get down. It's not going to be on Google. It'll be on Reddit. It'll be on Reddit. Facebook's pretty sure. It's on Facebook. Have you seen the video of how the man bird, right,

is feeding the baby chicks worms? Baby bird. Yeah, no. You're just giving it to him. It's a lie. But then the baby chick shits, and the man bird starts eating the shit. I haven't seen that. It's fucking grim. You watch weird things mate. Animals do do that. I've seen a fucking video the other day, a gorilla just shits in his hand

and then eats it. And people are still convinced they beat 100 men. Oh yeah. Yeah, they're fucking, I've seen before. I'm also pretty sure I've seen you do that. Yeah. Do you know dogs eat their poo to cover their tracks? They also eat other dog poo. I've witnessed my dog eating a lot of dog shit. Yeah. I used to, yeah. It's annoying. You used to eat it? No, I used to. That's what you just said? Be careful you heard that. Yeah, Will's dog Jeff, when he was a... Jeff? when he was a- Jeff! Jeff! Can't be a dog name!

Oh my God! He's named after an old wolf, Jeffery Magandabee, I can't remember his name. Jeff! But he's called Jeff. Come here Jeff! He's a little- He's a fucking little poodle!

He's a French poodle. Okay, all right, Frenchie. So when he- Pfft! You've not spoken for the last three minutes. A Frenchie! He's been fucking Googling Tiger King's bumhole. That's exactly it.

Yeah, when he was a puppy, they'd lock him in the utility just because he was a nightmare. And he'd just shit and eat it. And they could just see remnants of it. And they'd be like, oh, but at least you don't have to clean it up. That's actually fucking- But then he just recycles the poo over and over again. But then he breath stinks.

Genuine gushing. Oh yeah, because dogs usually have lovely breath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much does? How much? No, he doesn't. No then your breath stinks. Genuine question. Oh yeah, because dogs usually have a lovely breath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much does? No, he doesn't. No, all dog breath. How much do you eat?

A poo sandwich. How big's the poo? Like your own poo. In like a normal people's sandwich. I physically couldn't, I just don't. Yeah, I could give it a quick fry. What if like, I'm gonna die. No, no, no, no, no.

You know like chocolate spread? Don't do that. Chocolate spread so it's like squelched onto the bread. Don't do that, give me an offer. Make me an offer. A million pounds. Yeah. Yeah. I'd give it a bread. Don't do that.

Give me an offer. Make me an offer. A million pounds. Yeah. Yeah. I'd give it a go. Eat your own shit sandwich. I'd give it a go. You reckon you wouldn't?

You have to get it down you though. You reckon you wouldn't? No, I'd give it a go, but I don't think I'd be able to do it. What do you think it tastes like? Probably really bad. Yeah, but like how bad? I reckon it tastes like shit, mate.

Do you think like, like, but it might not be that bad. Okay. How about you go home, try out for us. But did you know what I mean? Like it genuinely might just taste of nothing. Are you talking of shit? You might as well eat it. I never got it.

It might not taste that bad. It might taste of nothing. Well, you've seen the video where they eat shit and stuff. I think you can tell from the smell. It might taste of nothing. I don't like this. I've not seen it. Hang on. He's fucking throwing up from the smell it was a taste. I don't like this. I've not seen it. Hang on.

He's fucking throwing up from the segment, but he started it. I've not seen the video where the two lasses are eating shit directly from the asshole. And then they start necking on. It's two girls, one cup. It wasn't, no, this is one where it's directly from the ass. Two girls, one cup.

This one's from directly from the ass. It's two girls, one cup. Yeah, it's two girls, one cup mate. No, two girls, one cup goes into the cup. Yeah, it goes in the cup. They also eat it out of each other's arms. How do you know? I've watched it a lot where I was young.

You've not seen it? Not recently. Don't forget that kind of stuff, man. Yeah, that was imprinted in my mind. Two girls, two girls, two girls, one cup, one man, one jar, one man, one horse. The video, yeah, the horse one. Oh, I've seen that one. One woman, one horse.

You're gonna have to beat the kid one, I reckon. What? Two kids in a sandbox. Yeah. You're gonna have to beat the kid one, I reckon. Why? Two kids in a sandbox? Yeah. They're not shaggy, are they? I can't remember, what are they doing there? Yeah, I feel like just let's be safe on the children. No.

Tom, there's already a lot of allegations about you, buddy. They're true. No, remember the period one? That's weird. One man, one jar. Tampon, Ted that one. What? You just had like a last dad eating a tampon.

Pain Olympics. Oh, that was horrible. Pain Olympics was disgusting. Chopped his cock off. You don't wanna get videos like this now study in a temple. Um, pain Olympics. Oh, that was horrible. Pain Olympics was disgusting. Chops his cock off. You don't really have videos like this now. Stop, stop, stop, stop. You don't really have videos like this. And he only got the bronze medal.

Imagine. Have you seen the one where he literally knives off his own testicle. Fuck off. And he only got the silver medal. That's crazy. What is this? I've never heard of it. Pain Olympics. I've never seen Pain Olympics. You never seen it mate. They used to, I don't know if it's still going. It can't be real. It's real. People used

to send in the worst pain videos they could to win. But obviously all you won was just one went you've won. That's it. So you chop off your balls just to get chopped off your balls. Yeah. Now how would you win the Pain Olympics? Olympics? I don't like this. What would you do? I think I'd like, I think I'd put a nail in the end of my cock. I'll tell you what, I'd get my cock like that. So I'll cut it down the middle. Right. Go on Theo, what would you do to win the pain Olympics? Oh. Oh. Look at this. I don't like it at all. Or I'd literally like get someone, I'd get like the world's strongest man

to grab me by the ass and just rip me open. But you'd die. I wouldn't die. You could put like, what if you like put your balls. Everything would fall out. I'd have the paramedics on hand. Oh, this is one you'll like. You can put your dick into a deep fat fryer

and then you can batter it as well. And you can eat it. You can eat it. You can put your dick into a deep fat fryer And then you can batter it as well. You can eat it Deep deep fried cock If you bring it to the chippy do you think the deep fat fryer for you? Yeah, all right kind of cock Normally if you bring a Mars bar, they'll do it. All right kind of cock taste nice allegedly Is this hand shit? He said, yeah, we'll find out. I don't even know what I'm on about. I'm a fucking weirdo.

Speaking of small cocks though. They're back in fashion, aren't they? Yeah. Are they? Well, according to the prep. Well done, you're up. I think Theo has a smaller penis than me. No, he doesn't. Not on our part. Do you remember yesterday,

do you remember yesterday when I showed you that person that had a bigger cock than you? Why do you feel ill? You started that. You're fucking old man, that's really big. Wait, that must have been massive enrollment times. You know, Hickory actually saw a small dick as a sign of honesty, rationale and self-control and a big dick as a sign of

idiotic laugh and a lack of restraint. You see, whoever wrote that just had a small pee pee though, didn't you? And also, experts have suggested that a small penis may actually become desirable at some point in the future. And with the concept of being... Fucking Ali Reeds, like, really, do you? ...having been a fluid and ever-changing one throughout history, yeah. Are they going to hear it out of the siren mouth?

You read like English is your third language. I can't understand them. And I have a question. Good news for Lewis, question mark. And question doc, would you rather have sex with a long thin doc or a fat? Doc! Doc!

Or a chode. Thin doc. Come here doc. Or a chode. What's that back? A fat short dick is a chode. Yeah, you just, yeah. Yeah, but you said a doc.

Which one? Yeah, but you started, you read everything verbatim and then went, or a chode. You got a paraphrase. I'll just get another place. I'd probably rather be done by a long thing, thin one, because then I won't really feel it. Oh, but surely if you're doing it, you want to feel it.

You're not getting done, you have to do the doing. What? That's not the question. Which would you rather suck? Short and fat. Short and fat. Chode would be like a, short and fat.

And also, Both? And also the question obviously would be, No, it would be toothy, wouldn't it? How fucking big do you think a chode is? Short fat one. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat. Short fat from? Oh yeah, I saw that earlier. And on the back of Willy as well, allegedly. I don't know, Theo, you're gonna enlighten me. Is it medically known as scrotal rave? What? That's what it's called. Rave?

What the fuck are we doing? Raffae? Raff? I think it's raffae. Why is it that sometimes your balls are really firm and then other times they're saggy? That's to do with temperature, moderating temperature.

Is it not because you might have a lot of cum in at some point? No, when it's hot, they dangle, and when it's cold, they shrivel. Not for you, mate. I thought it's like if you have a- They're outside of your body, so they don't get the same core temperature.

So where does your cum stay? They're in your balls, mate. You bollock. Inside your balls? It's not outside your balls, is it? It's not outside your balls, is it? Where else do you think? Where else do you actually think? Well, you don't produce any. I just don't, I don't think it stays in your balls. You bollock. Inside your balls? It's not outside your balls, is it? Where else do you think? Where else do you actually think? Well, you don't produce any.

I don't think it stays in the balls. You also didn't realise animals have fanny, so... Can you search where does cum get stored? In your testicles, I'm telling you. Nah, it's not big enough. And sometimes you have a lot of cum, brother. It must be in the sack as well. Otherwise, what's going on in your sack?

He typed typing cum. Testicles, yeah. Yeah, in the testicles. Also, an epidemis. They should teach you this shit. They're producing the testicles, then they go through the tube. So what is the point of my whole sack? What's going on inside me sack? I'm telling you why. It's protection.

To keep the testicles at the correct temperature and to protect them at the same time. They don't do a good job protecting them. Imagine they were just dangling down with no scrotum, mate. They should be more armoured. What spiky. Do you know one of the worst things I've ever seen? You know, remember on Jackass, when they did the pogo stick?

Like, can you imagine? Can you imagine? You know, it got in the corner of his ball sack and it was fine. Imagine if that landed on the testicle. Yeah, that's how people explain their balls in gym. Like, why would they do that? Oh, I don't want to talk about this.

What do you think's the worst stunt? Let's talk about this. What's the worst stunt they've done on Jackass? I genuinely think that's the worst stunt they've ever done. The worst stunt on Jackass is? The ball, the pogo stick ball. I think, do you know what the thing- Because that could have genuinely burst his testicle.

Yeah, that's what the- Do you know the thing that used to chop your neck off? Like- Guillotine. Guillotine. On the shins. They did a skateboard one of that and put the shins out and they just dropped the skateboard onto the shins. Yeah. No, the Pogo stick's worse than that. I think the shit bug. The Pogo. The shit bungee thing. Hilarious though. Yeah, but that's not like

painful. That's disgusting. It's disgusting. We probably did a little bit, but it's not a Pogo stick on your testicle. Yeah. Oh, have you seen the one where they get the big one? When they put going in with the balls and just get the ball. This thing is they can die. Yeah. Funny though. What's the fat one called?

The bear and the bear just eats them. Yeah, but the bear is obviously trained. The bear was trained. The bear was trained. What's the fat one called? Trained bear. I wouldn't like to do that. Should we do it?

Get in a room with a bear. You couldn't even get in a room with a fucking rat, mate. I don't want a bear. That is true. Oh, shoot. Bring in the bear! Have you seen the one where they get the big one on the thingy walker, wrap him in cling film and they drain all the sweat off him

and it gets into a cup of just yellow liquid and then he downs it. It's not that bad, but like, yeah, that's disgusting. But I'd rather do that 20 times than have a Pogo stick on my cock. Have you seen the video of the guy, some guy, on the little, it the guy, some guy, on the little, it's like, you know, like the shitty

theme parks that have like a little, like, it goes in a loop, you just sit there like this. Yeah, the tiny rollercoaster. And you're locked in, you know, there's one in Canada, and as he's going along, these two grizzlies come out, and they're just walking along next to him, and he's just like... He's not moving.

He's like, go slow. And you're just trapped there, like you can just mull your face down. Or off. Mull your face down? Any more questions for us? Yeah, if you want some more. Yeah, give us a question.

Give us another one then we can get onto me. Whoa, whoa. Hang on a second. Look at my hamstring just like. Do you want a beer one or? Do you want to? You give us what you want, brother. A beer one.

I'll go with a beer one. Holiday balcony beer or barbecue beer garden? Barbecue beer garden. You know what? Holiday balcony is class. Are you on your own? You've been in the pool. Are you missus getting ready?

Yeah. Yeah, you've been in the pool and you've got out, you've just been sorted. That is one of mine. You still get ready. You're prepping the barbecue, you got a beer in there. Nah, nah. I don't do that very often.

I think I'm... Obviously it's rare, but... I actually think holiday balcony beer might be top two for me. Because it's not only even, it's quite nice. First sip of beer garden pint. It is, it smells nice. That's probably your number one last time, innit? Yeah, I don't know.

It's usually like a Corona or something like that. No. It's your own holiday. It's foreign beers. Yeah. A nice red shrub on the balcony while I'm waiting for the fuck, you know, to get ready. You know what I mean? It is class sometimes when lasses take ages getting ready because you can't just have a doom scroll. Yeah, I mean, I get ready in 10 minutes. Charlie was doing the day, but when

we went out for our anniversary, she was getting ready for fucking ages. I was sat there just like scrolling, got ready in 10 minutes and I was chilling. No, that's what happens when you get to the point where they say they're ready and then you just stand there in the corridor for like 15 minutes. Oh my God, thank you. Oh fucking hell, I'm ready. Are you sure you're ready?

Cause last time you said you were ready, you took another 10 minutes. Are you fucking ready? Yeah, I'm ready, just coming now. 20 minutes later! And guess what, Tom? You'll be the one in trouble because you'll be the one that's late.

Fucking won't. No, fair enough. Yeah, no, no. No. No. No. No. Anyone question?

Yeah, sorry, that one really rattled me. Yeah, I can do the final one. I've never had to pick that one. I'll bring a couple more next time. It's not really all right. Lad's poker night orads' pub quiz night? Pub quiz. Pub quiz.

Not even close. Do you know what? I don't enjoy poker because I am a gambler who just likes to bet there and then and get it done. So I just go all in. All right, you don't want a four hour spin. Boring! And it's shit if someone does that.

You know what? Pub quiz gotta be like top 10 things of all time. It is a sick day. Or like, yeah. I've never done a pub quiz with the lads. We should do one. We should do one at a local. We should.

There's so many. There's one like everyone. I've never done one. I've never done a pub quiz. You can Google London pub quiz and there's one every night of the week all around London. We should just do it.

We can do a series trying to dominate every time. It doesn't have to be content. We could just go and enjoy one, Lou. You've never been to one. I went to one a few weeks now a few months ago And like they I love it because they had the lady who's running was just mental and she loved it for it No, but the oh He's like a quiz writer, yeah

It's like how the fuck do you know this shit? I'm real we play one It's really cool. I mean the winnings aren't very good and we never win but it's it's like on an iPad and it's like different rounds and it's Hoot so it's easy to do that pitch around and all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the first to click It's pretty good. It's pretty cool. Is that the old had a Hinksford Hinks I don't do they had a really high-tech one at summer farmers actually Yeah, we should actually definitely did I'm not very clever really high tech on a summer farm. I actually, well, I imagine it would be well, 4 million pounds. Yeah, we should actually definitely do that. But I'm not very clever.

Theo never comes out with this. No, I generally should be fine. I've only ever done one once and I didn't. Well, we got food round. That's the music round. Sport round. Yeah, Robbie Williams round. We've got what's on team name beast.

Beast. And crystal palace round. It has to be a crystal palace and Brian round. Yeah, Crystal Palace and Brighton round. That's sorted. Are you watching All-Stars? And... Fucking hell, man. You got a...

I can multitask. If you're allowed to watch All-Stars, I'm allowed to eat my fucking granola. Oh, for fuck's sake. No, because that makes a bad sound. This is the worst part in the world. Yeah. He's start gambling.

Fucking lost. Good. Don't say good. Any more questions? I've actually witnessed a generational performance from Tom, to be fair though, so. I can't even lie. No, that's it. I't say good. I've actually witnessed a generational performance from Tom to be fair though so I can't even like. No that's it I only brought four I didn't realise I get four all fourth. Did you win that one yesterday? No. It was unlucky wasn't it. Should we have a gas gobble? Gobble my arse. Is that the new intro? Don't tempt me with a good

time. Right this week I don't think you'll get it. Shock. I think this week is really- You're trying to smack tacos. Yeah. We all get them. We all, also, I did read the comments last week of the podcast. First of all, they were cooking you for your shit goal story.

I also saw an interesting comment that Reeve, Reeve is on Fraud Watch. Oh, why? With Gasgobbles. He always gets it wrong. True. He does, always. True. goggles. He always gets it wrong. True. He does, always. True.

Always. So you're on fraud watch. Just letting you know. Well, I definitely got the golf one when you said it was 13 miles off the beach. That was about two months ago. That was the only one you got right, mate. Yeah, don't live in the past, mate.

Live in the present. Right, so no one's got any right then, have we? Last week, he called it right and you went against him. They always do, brother. I actually don't read back my comments. He's a brilliant. Which, what was last week's one again? I can't remember. The gold story from Lewis did not

need to be half an hour. Agreed. Theo is right about the train. It is the same. Theo knows more about relativity than the rest of them. What was I talking about about trains? Don't know, mate. Oh, that's brilliant. I'm right. Guys. Oh my God. Right. Are you going? Yeah. Right. So lock in now, man. Stop reading them. Let's go. The man who survived a skydive without a parachute. He's not even listening. That's happened, but it's in world record books. There you go. World record books. Don't choose that one. It's in the world record books. A town accidentally elected a goat as mayor. I've seen that before as well. What are you doing?

Reading comments. The woman who woke up speaking fluent Mandarin after a car crash. I thought it was Spanish. I know that's true. Do you actually? Yeah, I actually do. Okay. So which one?

That one's definitely real. Which one? The Mandarin one. Why are you already ruling them out? Because I'm clever. I think they're all true. I think? The Mandarin one. Why are you already ruling him out? Because I'm clever. I think they're all true. I think you've done us. No, I absolutely promise you I'm a dog's life on his faults.

Okay, well first of all, it was a woman who fell out of a plane and survived in a parachute. She looked like Myra Hindley. He does this all the time. Who's Myra Hindley? I don't know who Myra Hindley is. I don't know who that is either. Well, she looked like me on my old driving licence photo. So just another comparison then. Oh, thank you. Go for Myra Hindley is. I don't know who that is either. Well, she looked like me on my old driving license photo. That's just another comparison.

Oh, thank you. Go for Myra Hindley quickly. Just some girl who went to what school? No, Myra Hindley. He's a Moors murderer. Oh. Yeah, Myra Hindley. Have you seen her watch the new Fred West documentary?

No. Myra Hindley. Oh, that one. She's murdering, isn't she? I actually do know who she is. The Moors murderers, aye. Fuck. I didn't know her name off by heart there.

Because I looked exactly like her in my old driver. Yeah. Look that that made it one of the third row. Like her. I had like the long locks when I could see it. Yeah. That's like your Mountford picture. It's not a good person to look like. I'm not gonna lie man. She's dead. So it's okay.

But she's also like a horrendous human though. Yeah. One of the worst. The devil incarnate. No other. What were the things again? Just start with the first one I reckon. The first one is, oh no that's the third one. Story A, the man who survived a skydive without a parachute.

Story B, the town that accidentally elected a goat as mayor. Oh no, I meant like elaborate, sorry. Oh, so you want the first one? Tom, you know the skydive one? Was it the bloke who jumped? Oh well I'm about to elaborate. But when he jumped out of a plane onto a giant like trampoline, why don't you listen?

That's not going to work. You got skydive onto a trampoline. That's not possible. Yeah, you just go straight back up. Really? I really did not possible. Yes. OK, Google it.

Well, we can't. That's not the game. No, you can't. Google it. This happened, mate. No, you can't Google it because that might be what he's on about. Yeah, this't. That's cut the game. We're not in the game. No, we can't. This happened, mate. No, you can't Google it, because that might be what he's on about.

Yeah. This happened. It's a world record. Highest freefall without parachute. You just bumped through the trampoline, mate. It's especially made big one, you idiot. No, you wouldn't. You'd go back into space.

It's especially made big one. They'd use like a big inflatable bouncy castle instead or something like that. Yeah, they would. After this, I'll show you. Right. In 2006, skydiver Michael Holmes jumped from a plane at 15,000 feet.

His main parachute failed to deploy properly. It's a different story. And the reserve chute tangled. He plummeted to the ground, landing in a Blackberry bush and survived with only a broken ankle and a collapsed lung. This is true by the way. I think Blackberry bush is true, I've heard that. It's just so bad, cause he's just. I wholeheart Blackberry Bush is true. I've heard that. It's just so bad because he's just...

Do you? I wholeheartedly believe that's true. All right. Well, okay. You always think you've heard it. Wholeheartedly believe that's true, bro. I think his brain makes a connection. Where have you got Blackberry Bush from, though? What have you read and heard? Obviously, it's a softer landing than the hard ground, isn't it?

Yeah, but it's still like a... That's still hard. It's still a bush, mate. I'm not answering the question. I don't think Blackberry Bush... I think it's a borns as well, mate. Yeah, question. I think blackberry bush. Orns as well, mate. Yeah, yeah. Ready for the second one?

Yeah, go on. How can you land in a blackberry tree as well? It's not a tree, mate. They don't grow on trees. Well, you didn't land on the grass. You'd get stabbed. Yeah, you would. Right, in 2013, a small town in Vermont

held a symbolic election as a fundraiser. The locals nominated animals for mayor and a goat named Lincoln won by a landslide. The goat served a one year term during which he chewed official documents and was banned from city hall after pooping on the floor during a council meeting. Yeah, it's very believable.

Ape from last week's was mayor as well, remember? There was an ape. There's loads of things, one has like a dog as a mare. Okay then, and story C, in 2010, an Australian woman named Leanne Rowe got into a serious car accident and went into a coma. When she woke up, she could only speak in what sounded like fluent Mandarin,

despite never having studied the language. Doctors diagnosed her with an extremely rare condition known as foreign accent syndrome. I feel like that's true. That's happened. That has happened. We've had that question and he woke up speaking ancient Egyptian.

No, but this has happened with different languages. It's happened. That one was. Does that mean we're all Normandran? That was the one I did when it was ancient Egyptian. It was like that wouldn't have even been the language. Yeah, it would have been Arabic. It was very idiotic that you didn't get it but yeah. This is the real language. Well you said all three have happened.

No but this has happened it may not be this woman, it might be a different woman. What the fuck. Why would it? No but it's not gonna. Oh watch me. But then he just used the story of it the actual woman wouldn't he? Ah see that's why he's in your head. Is he? It took me five minutes to do this I'm really not going that in depth with it. How couldn't you know Mandarin? How can you? Yeah when you've never heard it before. How can you?

Unless all brains know Mandarin. All brains might. I can speak Dudley. Maybe you've heard it. How can you? But that's just an accent. Their point is you've heard that. How can you? But that's just an accent. Their point is you've heard that though. This woman has never.

I suppose she would have heard it, but. To assimilate the entire vocabulary. Is she not just like a bit. That's as much as the information I've got on each one. Okay. And just saying like, what would she be doing? Doing a really bit awful. In fairness, that is why it says she could only speak in what sounded like fluent

Mandarin. Oh. So she could... Oh. I think she's racist. I'm guessing she was just speaking gibberish. Oh, so that language is gibberish. Well, it wasn't the language.

She wasn't speaking Mandarin. Who's wrote this? I'm not, I'm not, I can't do that because for one of them, I won't be able to tell you. Whoever wrote this has just heard us said has gone yet mandarin. But surely the headline would be racist woman wakes from coma. And then also racist doctor assumes. Well no the doctor could have been Asian. Let's role play what would happen like she's. Let's not, let's definitely not do that. No you be the woman. I'll be the doctor. No you be the woman waking up. I'll be the doctor, I'll be the tax doctor, you be the woman. I'll be the doctor. You be the woman.

I'll be the doctor. I'll be the doctor. Lee, I'll be the woman. Lee, and you've just woken up. Yeah, that's what her name was. Leandro. Leandro, Leandro Crow or whatever it was. Leandro.

Row. Leandro. Leandro knows a woman. Leandro. So you're Leandro. And I'm like, plead the fifth. Alejandro. No, you can't do that. you're Leandro and I'm like plead the fifth. Alejandro. No, you can't do that. I'll do it. I'll do it. No, Leanne, you've been in a coma for so long.

How would someone pretend to speak English? Have you ever heard? No, have you heard there's a guy or AI, whatever that, you know, how very different, like French or Spanish or English. Yes. Yeah. But so they they they made it sound like what say like a French person say a French person doesn't speak English. They made English sound like what they would know. What are you saying?

Because I've seen what he's explained. It really I don't understand a single word. So basically, you don't want to hear French. You can tell it's French. But yeah, yeah, yeah. They made a version of that for English that we can listen to. So it's not actual words. But that's the same inf yeah. You made a version of that for English, that we can listen to. So it's not actual words, but that's the same inflection,

so we can hear what it would sound like for a French person listening to us. I think I've seen a video of like, I think they're Chinese people in school doing that. Like they can't speak English, but they're like, and they do say, it does sound like how English people talk. It's a completely different vocabulary,

different letters. And it's the way you pronounce things, very different, isn't it? I don't know. Like in certain languages, they don't have like, kuh, that's not part of the language. Yeah. So they have to learn how to say it.

Cheers for that. I know, like that's not ground-breaking information. Ha ha ha. Anyway, which one you're going for? I can't remember. So the man who survived the skydive without a parachute. He's convinced A is true. Convinced.

I know. Okay, he knows. We'll take that off the board then. Why Blackberry Bush? Take that off the board. What do you mean why a Blackberry Bush? He didn't choose to land on it. That's a very particular detail that could make it true though.

He's making out, like he chose to land on the Blackberry Bush. Yeah, I don't think he aimed bush. You died though from falling. Unless his parachute like slurred him out a little bit. No, his parachute failed. By the way, after this, we're coming back to your trampoline thing. Cause you're talking out your ass there. I'm not. It's a giant fucking trampoline. It just bounced further along.

How can it just be a nest? Huge trampoline net. So a net. It's not a trampoline. Because why would the other bounce? How are you going to then predict where he's going? He ended up on the moon. I meant a giant net trampoline.

Oh there we go then. So it's not a trampoline. You don't believe me still. No, a net is fine. A trampoline is ridiculous. Shut up man. I have actually seen the one with the net. But that was planned. You can catch them. I know actually seen the one with the net, but that was planned.

You can catch them. This wasn't planned. No, I know. But neither was the lady who fell out the plane and survived. Let's get this clear. You're not taking a win if it's a net, because I agree a net's possible. A trampoline would be ridiculous. A trampoline would be very different, mate.

One kind of catches the force, the other kind of repels it. Well, if you hold the net tight enough, it becomes a trampoline, doesn't it? No. I just can't see how someone would assume an entire language. I've seen the headline, I think it's real, I think it's the goat. My initial instinct was the goat, but he started getting really defensive as we asked more questions about him. Don't look into his games and tricks. Goat is fake. Can I just ask, you've only asked me questions about the third one. No we haven't.

Yeah you haven't asked me one thing about the Gort. What's the Gort in here? Mayor who? I told you that. Mayor? Lincoln? In what town? In Canada.

In Vermont. That's not good. They don't even have Gorts in Vermont. They can transport one up. They're going to transport a Gort purely. Also, I guess they do have have goats in Vermont. They can transport one up. They're going to transport a goat. Also, I guess they do have goats in Vermont. It's not all snow. They don't have goats in Vermont.

You know for a fact goats only are native to Ireland and Wales. Yes. What about England? What about Arabic goats? No goats in England. Don't get me started on the Arabic goats. What about Oryx's aren't they? What about America?

What about them? There's no goats in America. Is Vermont Canada or America? Canada. Are you sure? Yeah, I think it's Canada. They don't have goats. Can we Google that? Vancouver.

Type it. No, I think Vermont's USA. Oh, maybe I'm completely... USA. Vermont. Americans do it. Shark, I'm right. They don't have goats there, mate.

It's right in the... No, no, go off. No, go off now because you're showing them photos. I can't see no goates in Vermont. Oh, it's cold though, isn't it? Why would there be a goatee? It's obviously next to New Hampshire as well. As the residents always write at Gaz Gobbles,

but never believed. You're not always right, you're an idiot. I like to hear that. I initially thought goatee. The goatee's definitely fake news. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, look it in. You've been found out, son.

Get done in, son. Are you sure? There's no goates in Vermont. There's no way. You've been found out son. Get done in son. Are you sure? There's no go to them. There's no way. Yeah, it's too clear. I 100% believe. I 100% believe. Ah!

If you used to go out and tell us that a guy fell out of a plane with no parachute and survived, obviously that's true. In a blackberry bush. In a blackberry bush. You're right. That's correct. That was a true story.

Beast mode. Beast mode, general nature. So it comes down to the goat and the woman who spoke Mandarin be snatched The goats a true story the fake stories I did I did my chat GBT where I asked for three stories Give me one fake and they always do take a guess which one do you think's fake and I went with the go and it was wrong So I would have got that wrong too, but I'm not playing. Of course, how's she gonna not mandarin? I said this about the Egyptian thing. It does happen though, I tell you it does happen

Can I just say no? He was hella defensive and I've read into that too. Hang on hang on. So so this was that they give you like a an explanation to each one. And for story C, which is the fake accent one, foreign accent syndrome is real, but the version where someone wakes up speaking fluent Mandarin out of nowhere is fictional. The actual condition causes someone to sound like they have a foreign accent, not speaking entirely new language. Both of them. Fuck sake man. I thought, well, Fuck sake Mandarin. Is the God still get a Mandarin we should is the good still man no I told you there's the lady that was in the record book that's what I'm talking about mmm what

yeah yeah you were right mate where's the trampoline so that's another W for me and another L for you this is is getting embarrassing. Fucking piss. Now Timbers having surgery. Anyway, I think it's time. For monkey news. No, well, it's basically- No, it's better than that. Monkey writes his fucking thoughts down.

I think we call the episodes. No, we haven't done monkey news. I've got my heart going. So it's time for Lewis's journal. What's it look like? Where is it? Is it in there? I really genuinely don't know. Is it actually a book?

Yeah. Go and get it. Did you hide it so we didn't go through it? Yeah. Well you shouldn't go through any of this because it would ruin the- Go and get it. He's slumbering off.

I really don't actually want to do this. You've got it. It's a Peppa Pig journal. Wait, is it 2025? So the weird thing with this is, right, it's a 2020 diary. Oh, 2020. So therefore, I don't know why I've done it this way,

but essentially you can see the pages lay out. It's upside down. So like, some day on this, some days, if I write on that, I'll have no room and I'll have to go backwards. Do I appear in this? No, this is 2020. You didn't have to get us that at this point. I'm in uni. I can't express to you how little I, how much I regret in this. This is cute and wholesome, man. Yeah, it'd be really nice. We wouldn't take it. I'm glad you're finally opening up. It's fine an entry word. You're gonna have to like, you're gonna have to like bear with it.

Do you have to read it? No, definitely not. Oh wait, why not? You're not gonna be able to read this writing anyway. Fuck me. Because he's smudging it with all his tears. Go on. Okay, so this is entry number one. Entry number one of what? The 2020?

Lewis, is that actually, why is it entry number one. Entry number one of what? The 2020? Is it, Lewis, is that actually, why is it entry number one, but it's halfway through the book? Because I must've done it on September 19th. Come on. But spread across several other, like another book though, this is just, yeah.

Should we set the tone? Yeah, put deep side. Yeah, put deep side. We're all here, look, just remember, we're all here for you, mate. So we should intro it for short. We're all hippie. So if you don't know what this is, I journaled.

I still do from time to time. But obviously when you journal, you never expect anyone to be reading it. No, that's true. Looking back on it. Are you actually breaking the journal trust right now? Like, you know the magic circle? With myself. How white his hair looks for the guy.

That's why I didn't want it. No, guys, we can keep the colour. So entry number one. I feel like I'm shaking. So mum and dad bought me. Mum and dad? He's not even said anything crazy yet. Regardless of what the fast forward was right he was going to, regardless of what the fast forward words were, he was going to burst out on top of me. So my mum and dad bought me a couple of books today. So I thought I'd use one as a journal. I imagine future Lewis will be reading this. Not in the manner that you are though.

From the thousands of people on the podcast. Wait, it does sound like when you're talking, you are about to cry though. Are you okay? No, I am going to cry. I imagine the future Lewis will be reading this. He'll either be pissed off or grateful for the amount of work I've put in. I hope I haven't wasted my potential. Oh, that's all right. You know how you always tell us. You always tell us how it's future Lewis's problem. So you've always been like that. You've always been a bit odd.

I've always had concept. I just open up. So you're always odd. I've always had a concept of that. He's been a fucking freak. It is odd to act that way though. As in like, he won't address an issue because that's future Lewis's problem but also isn't I'm not not in terms of like I've always had I've always had like I've

also always perceived future Lewis as a different as an entity yeah he doesn't do his tax returns because that's future Lewis problem oh he should present. It's a present Lewis problem. It's true though. I hear a past Lewis problem as well. Exactly, a past Lewis. What sent you number two, Lou? That was really nice. Is that it? Oh, no. This is still going.

I have felt really pessimistic and had a lot of self-doubt since last night. I don't know what happened. I'm worried what people think of me. Go on, carry on. That's totally normal. I'd rather you laugh at me than like become fit. It's not that funny. Reading right to left is crazy.

Do you remember what happened at that time? Is he reading right to left? He started on the right. Yeah, so I go back. Are you reading Arabic? That is mental. Arabic does that. Yeah, well maybe I went to Bahrain.

Carry on. I don't know why. does that yeah well maybe i've went to bar in carry on louis it was afghanistan i don't know why well i do it's from my own insecurities of not being good enough go on carry, carry on. You're right. You're not good enough. Kyle the dragon would tell you the same. I need to let it go. I just want to be the old me. I must have been really gone through it. I'm just doing it really.

How is that entry number one? I don't know what I'm going through here. Oh, mate, that's miserable. Oh, you are a miserable book. Oh, did you get fired from any jobs in Afghanistan or something? I'm in uni here. I'm starting uni, I think. Oh, so you're not in Afghanistan at the moment?

Oh, no. This is like... Maybe you broke up with a girl at something at uni. You can't be starting... You didn't have a girlfriend. This is five years ago. You're 25 now. He's in uni. You were 20. Yes, he's at something. You didn't have a girl. This is five years ago. You're 25 now. You were 20. Oh, did you say first year of uni? No, I don't know where I was. I'm

in uni. I'm in uni at this point. It sounds like you didn't know where you are. What the wonder what you did to deserve this writing. I feel like this thing throughout all this, I'm very, I'm very harsh on myself. I sit and look at that. I'm like, whoa. I just want to be the old me. Damn. I'm at crossroads. Oh, fucking hell, I spoke for Matt. I feel in my life.

Me at the crossroads. Am I going to work now and succeed? I'll condemn myself. Oh my god. To a normal life. Sounds like some Brad Pitt. Do you know what? I think I was working in Sainsbury's and I think I got a little bit... When you get fingered in the ass. Sweet. Oh my god. To a normal life. Sounds like some Brad Pitt.

Do you know what? I think I was working in Sainsbury's and I think I got a little bit- When you're getting fingered in the sweet aisle. I think I was in Sainsbury's and I was really scared. Like, it's fair enough if you want to work in Sainsbury's and like focus on living with your family, but I was really scared at the idea of being full-time

just in a job that I didn't enjoy. Yeah, you know, you've written about being at Sainsbury's and I'm scared I'm gonna condemn my life. Condemn myself to it. Condemn myself to it written about being at Sainsbury's, I'm scared I'm going to condemn my life. Condemn myself for 10 years at Sainsbury's. Fucking hell. It just gets spicier. Go on. Maybe if I make it, I don't know what that means, is make it. As a professional basketball player?

I could sell this journal as a motivational book to those facing the same crossword. That is pretty crazy that it's come full circle that you basically are making money off the journal now. If you want this to be a motivational book, maybe you should sell this as a comedic book. That's true. I just show you have faith in that you will make it one day or you got a massive ego. Did you make it? I don't feel like it's can't be a massive ego because you're not saying it to anyone.

You wouldn't write that if you did it. So you just have a lot of self-belief which is good then. It sounds like I haven't feel like it's can't be a massive ego because you're not saying it to anyone. You wouldn't write that. So you just have a lot of self-belief which is good then. It sounds like I haven't. It sounds like I know I can do something with my life, but I don't know if I can be asked to do it. I think if you have a massive ego as well, you don't write down these thoughts as a journal. Do you know what I mean? You'd be going, I can't wait in a few years to be the best.

I don't need a fucking journal, mate. True. Maybe I could sell this journal as a motivational book to those facing the same crosswords. Actually. Crossroads. Crossroads. Actually, not a bad idea. This is now a motivational book.

Bro, you have schizophrenia. Why are you talking to yourself? I'm being written by a guy making the journey. Schizophrenic of me. Lewis, this a guy, making the journey. Schizophrenic of me. Lewis, this doesn't sound like a journal. Multiple personality disorder, bro. I always thought like this. Say I was imagining being interviewed.

He sounds like an autobiography. Seeing I was imagining being interviewed on Conan, I would imagine I told him that I imagined telling him that I imagined this conversation. How many imagines are in there John Lennon? Your face right now is how I imagined he would be looking at me. Wow. Well done mate. And that's only entry number one. Do you know, it's like I broke the fourth wall within a journal. That's not, you're writing a fucking novel mate. A motivational book? Yeah, that's not, wall within a journal. That's not, you're writing a fucking novel, mate. A motivational book?

Yeah, that's not, that's no journal. That is not as embarrassing as you made out. It feels embarrassing. I'm talking about writing a motivational book as if I'm like some sort of author. At which point did you scream at this morning? That's what I wanna know. Oh, the motivational book bit, the Conan bit

and the bit where I said the word condemn. You are writing it in a odd way. I don't know what I imagined. It's like I'm talking to myself. Well, next week we can hear... I don't know what I imagined, but it just wasn't that. But maybe we stop there. Maybe we didn't enjoy that.

No, no, no. And we don't have to delve deeper. Let us know in the comments if you want more of Lewis's journal. Maybe people don't like it. Maybe that's like the golf story. We'll see what the comments say. So the way you portray your feelings is writing it as if it's like a graphic novel or something like that. Honestly, when I scan through some of these bits, it looks like I'm just like bullying myself. It's all very dramatic. And

I put my hand on my own leg. It is very dramatic. I condemned myself to a life of Satan's brews. Like here in November 18th, 2020, I started by going, yo, yo, yo. My G. Yo, yo, yo, it's L-Dog in the house. I know what he can't say after that. Can I ask, how does the novel over here compare to like when you write in your journal? Ooh, it's actually not too dissimilar. You write a novel as well? Yeah. Maybe that is just the way to journal.

I think I talk about not being able to get a boner at some point. You write something out and then you answer it. I think it sounds like two people are talking. It just sounds like you're going insane. I think later on I'll write about not being able to get a boner at some point. You write something out and then you answer it. I think I write- So it sounds like two people are talking. It just sounds like you're going insane. Yeah. I think later on I'll write about not being able to get an erection. Well- Hahahaha!

What date is that? I've never heard of that, dawg. Tune in next week to find that one out. Also, really quickly, if we do 52 episodes a year, because there's 52 weeks in a year- It's going to take a while to get through. 365 days in a year. I don't do every day.

Oh. They're very sporadic. You better remember to do it. But this is the problem, because it's more depressing, because every now and again, I'll just come back when I'm depressed one time if something's not happening, and I'll just sit and mourn.

Well that's- So I don't know how funny it's going to be. It's just like, oh damn, you were fucking. Well, why don't you just pick and choose which ones that would be good for the people to listen to? No, no. Then he gets to pick and choose and that's not what it's about.

Okay, there's three options, right? We'll either do it in order, I'll pick and choose, or we can just never do it again. I think doing it in order is nice, we get to follow the progression of you sort of like. It will tell a story, but they will, and on the boring ones, we'll just do a little touching. What?

A little touching. Look, I want to say thank you so much for opening up. It's been a real insight into your brain. You're a fucking freak. And on that note, make sure you like and subscribe. We're trying to get to a million subscribers by the end of the year. I just copied my pitch like that. Oh, I forgot to say, oh sorry, there was one more bit.

Anyway, rambling aside, I'm currently sat at my desk, brain food playlist in my ears, wearing only my boxers, writing this to give you a bit of imagery brain food plays good i i find it so amazing that you imagined yourself that we should have ended it on that like being we should have just ended the podcast on that yeah we're done superstar like yeah see you next week he's a freak why was i writing it in my boxes i was just nude you made it to the end well done you if you haven't already hit that follow button, why not? Tap it right now for new episodes every week. And if you want to catch more Backside, you can find us on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram by typing in Backside.