Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - A Dick, A Bunk, and Beauty Queen Drunk (w/ Aya Cash, Rob Cohen, and Allison Raskin)

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Aya Cash, Rob Cohen, and Allison Raskin to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Aya tells how dressing like an elf led to trouble on a very high shelf, Rob goes on patrol with trouble, and Allison is forced to watch the original DVD. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Aya Cash: @maybeayacash on InstagramRob Cohen: https://therobertcohen.com/Allison Raskin: https://www.allisonraskin.com/This episode was recorded prior to the SAG-AFTRA strike on July 14th.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We went out and he, I remember he had a tooth he could take out. And then he told me a story about how he did this art experiment where he put blenders on either side of a table. And he had jars of mice on one side and jars of strawberries on the other. And he had a flip of coin. And he was like, whichever it comes up, heads or tails, everything from that side goes into the blender and I blend it. As an experiment in anticipation.

And I remember being like, so what happened? And he said it came up strawberries, like heads or whatever. And I said, but what would you have done if it had come up the other? And he said, I don't know. And I was like, oh, okay, we can date for a couple of months. Yeah. Oh, no. How did you meet this guy? In Jail. She met him in Jail, obviously. I'm going to start with Alison, I think. Alison, what's it like to date you? Well, historically, it was a disaster.

Right. I sort of am famously bad at this. I'm going to start with Alison. I'm going to start with Alison. I'm going to start with Alison. I think Alison, what's it like to date you? Well, historically, it was a disaster. Right.

I sort of am famously bad at this. I'm going to start with Alison. I'm going to start with Alison. What's it like to date you? Well, historically it was a disaster. I sort of am famously bad at dating when I was growing up and I've turned it into a bit of a career where I talk about it all the time. Yeah, wrote a book about it. Had a show called A Nightmare to Date. I would have found out about this. I was like, this is right up my alley. So I was out about this I was like this is right up my alley. Yeah, so I I was a nightmare because I Had a lot of mental health struggles that I think were really exacerbated by dating So I like kind of hit every quote unquote crazy girl stereotype out there like I a particular crazy thing that you did

Was there a pattern? I mean, there's so much, but I was so desperate for a partner, right? So it was like, you know, like the desperation would sort of just kind of leak off of me. In senior year of college, I like lived behind this like, flat house, and then there was like, this guy I hooked up with one time

who like lived next door, and I would like walk by to see if he was home all the time. That's not a good thing to do. Didn't Olivia Rodrigo something have, like a really famous song about doing that? I feel like we all were very forgiving about that sort of behaviour, and she was driving up and down his right back there.

Exactly, exactly. That was fair. I'm not gonna try normalised stalking here, but I get it. Rob, we know it's other worlds, but how do you feel about your contribution to the dating world? Do you have any apologies to make? I have so many apologies, the show's not long enough, but I would take huge gaps in

between dates, so I would just try to, you know, if something worked out, then it stopped. I would probably wait a few years before I got into it. I was out of choice. Ladies being down the door and you're like, no, no. Yeah, I mean, look at me.

I hate this. Yes, thick with testosterone. I, I, no, it was my choice. No, I asked, I asked, because I, it wasn't my choice for me. It like between 24 and 27, didn't get fingered one time.

I wish I could say that. Was not like, no, honestly, it's not that. Leave me alone. And I owe. How did you feel about the dating world? Was it enjoyable for you? Was it enjoyable for them? I was a serial managamous.

So like, I tried to make everything work. I've never had a one night stand. And I remember trying to have a one night stand with this art student from NYU who I'd met through Friendster and Yep, that's my age and Friends. Yeah, I thought I was in music No, not explaining.

It was a pigeon carrier service. In the 8,500s. Well, I can't wait to hear about all of your stories that far. Bad dates. Ghosts aren't real. At least, as a journalist, that's what I've always believed. Sure, odd things happen in my childhood bedroom, but ultimately, I shrugged it all off. That is, until a couple of years ago, when I discovered that every subsequent argument

of that house is convinced they've experienced something inexplicable too, including the most recent inhabitant who says she was visited at night by the ghost of a faceless woman. And it gets even stranger. It just so happens that the alleged ghost haunted my childhood room might just be my wife's great grandmother. It was murdered in the house next door by two gunshots to the face. From Wondering and Pineapple Street Studios comes Ghost Story, a podcast about family secrets, overwhelming coincidence, and the things that come back to haunt us. Follow Go Story wherever you get your podcast.

Listen everywhere on October 23rd, or you can binge early and add free on Wondering Plus the same day. Bosch Legacy returns, now streaming. Mad is been taken. Oh God. His daughter. Mad! He's in the hands of a madman.

What are the police have been looking for me? But nothing can stop a father. We want to find her just as much as you do. I doubt that very much. From doing what the law can't. And we have to do this a by way. You have to. I don't.

Bosch Legacy. Watch the new season now streaming exclusively on FreeV. Aya, will you tell me your story first? It is curiously named Angelina versus Gwyneth. So I'm in college. I do a lot of odd jobs for money. I end up getting hired to go to the Manheim Steam Roller concert and walk around during the intermission

as the entertainment. And you have like three choices. You're either an elf, and not like a sexy elf, like a big skirted like grandma elf, or you're a snowman, which you can't see out of. You can't piss by yourself. Like you have to have a handler, so that's the third job. I'm an elf, and there's a really hot handler there.

And he's guiding around a snowman and maybe holding his deck while he pees, I don't know. But he asks me out, and I say yes. And on our first date, we go out and he's got like a big like giant car that The muffler has fallen off of so it's like very very loud Mm-hmm, and he picks me up. We go. We have a great date. We have ice cream We are driving back towards my dorm and we get pulled over by the cops and he pulls over and the cop comes and says license and registration gives him that and

The cop comes back to the car and says I need you to get out of the car and he never comes back Then dries me to my dorm and it's like your boyfriend's going to jail and I was like so my boyfriend. I don't know. I'm his first That's not the bad day. So I go on again, as we've established, I'm very forgiving. I'm like, yeah, whatever. Turns out he had a lot of tickets. I was like, yeah, you're whatever.

Yeah, you like a bad boy. Yeah, or did. My husband's a very nice boy. So our second date, we go, we play poker at his friend's house, you know, as I like poker, we're out there. Yeah, exactly. I'm sorry. What was your next conversation with him after he was arrested during your day?

What was he arrested for? Two many tickets. Two tickets. Two or a big. Was he embarrassed? Was there an apology? Oh, totally. He was very much like, oh my God, that is so horrifying.

Like, I can't believe that happened, but like, I really like you and like, give me another chance. And I was like, yeah, sure, you're cute. We've established, I'm forgiving. It's a good, it's also good. It's a good, meet cute story for the grandkids. All that sort of thing is, it's a very Ben Stiller movie. And he was out very quickly.

So I knew it wasn't serious. It wasn't any tickets, right? I bought the line that it was tickets. OK. So we get drunk. We're playing poker till like two in the morning. We're near my dorm. I'm like, just come sleep over at my place.

Like, you shouldn't drive, because I'm responsible. We walk to my dorm, we get into bed, we honestly just pass out, we're both drunk and tired. And so in dorm rooms, you often have like beds at two levels. So you have one, like sort of like a bunk bed, except ours are in an L shape, right? So my roommate's bed is lower than my bed on the L, if that makes sense. And in the middle of the night, I wake up to screaming. And my roommate is sitting up in bed shrieking. She's screaming at the top of her lungs. We look down, he's just on the floor convulsing, basically.

And soon we both turn to him and are sort of just screaming at him, Joey, are you OK? Are you OK? And he doesn't respond. He stops convulsing and gets up, but doesn't respond to us at all. And he slowly walks towards Melissa's closet and puts his hand on the side of the closet

and pulls his dick out and pees all over her. All of her beautiful midwestern clothing, her yoga mat, everything. While he's this weird coma. In this like, fugues, Cez this weird coma. In this like fugues. Cezha. Wow. Melissa runs screaming from the room. I run after her because that's the primary relationship, obviously. I mean, whatever. Second date with this guy, whatever. So I run after her, I make sure she's okay. I run back to the room. He's

sitting on the floor just sort of looking out of it. So basically what happens is we're staring at Joey on the floor and he's convulsing and he's not responding and we realize that he is actually trying to climb out of bed probably, you know, to go to the bathroom, go get a drink of water, something like that in the middle of the night and he has fallen out of the bed trying to get out of the bed in the lab. He has hit the lamp next to the bed. And that has slammed my sweet roommate in the face.

And that's how she's woken up. So that's part of the reason. Wait, Gary or the lamp? The lamp has hit her in the head. So that's why she's screaming. So he goes and pees in her closet over all her stuff. He runs out. I come back. He's sitting days. I'm like, look, don't call me. I'll call you. You got to go maybe go to the hospital. Like, I don't know what's going on, but leave. And, um,

yeah, we dated for two years. He was wonderful. Maybe he's the nicest guy I've done in my husband. God. And we actually can't use his name because I talked to him before this because we're still friends. He's a lovely, lovely man. Wait, okay. He wasn't mad at you that you just like he was clearly convulsing and you were like, get out of here. I was like, I was like, you should call a friend and you should, I mean, I, okay, great.

Now this is my fault. That's so rude. I didn't see the clear fill in Rehib because I was thinking about all the piss, but Alesson, you are right. You are right. What was the time for him that this happened in? This was probably five in the morning.

It was dark, but it's like like kind of never dark in dorm rooms. You know, like there's always those big bloodlines outside. I was like, yes, yes. Yes, as was saying. Can you imagine how much urine he must have unloaded, like a drunk middle of the night piss, the one that you've been holding for an extra long time because you're drunk and so you're kind of unconscious.

That is like unloading a camel. Yeah. Oh my god, I was taking the month and the night. To taste this with my tea. I also, I feel like if I was at that time in my life, I would have responded in the exact same way. It's like only now that I like, I like understand,

I don't know, epilepsy that I would be like, more worried or something. She pretended to empathise with you and then quickly suck the knife in one more time at the end. It boils of steel to get arrested on your first night to urinate all over your room on the second night and then still think, I have something to give this woman. I mean, that is... That's extraordinary self-confidence.

The amount of things in life that we've all probably collectively backed out on because we're like, I'm not sure if I'm perfect for this. And this motherfucker, he has the golden egg of confidence. Can I be nosy and ask what finally broke you two up because it seems like you could have gotten through anything. Me. Me.

I, you called it, Allison. You read it right. I'm the asshole in this story, OK? I liked another boy and gave some bullshit excuses. And I made the wrong decision, not in my marriage. Fuck. No. We'll be right back. and I made the wrong decision. Not in my marriage, fuck no! We'll be right back.

Emily, do you remember when One Direction called it a day? I think you'll find there are still many people who can't talk about it. Well luckily, we can. A lot. Because our new season of terribly famous is all about the first one directioner to go it alone. Zayn Malik. We'll take you on Zayn's journey from Shilad from Bradford to being in the world's biggest boy band and explore why when he reached the top, he decided to walk away. Follow terribly famous wherever you get your podcasts. It's terribly famous.

And we're back. So next up, Rob, we have your beauty queen story. Yes. This is called Beauty Queen Blowout. Exactly. It doesn't involve that much urine. And it's not a contest. So way, way back when when I had moved to the states from Canada, I was illegal and needed to get any sort of job that I could make money at and shockingly a mall in Los Angeles was hiring security guards for the night shift

and didn't care if they were documented or sane or anything they just wanted bodies. Cool. Yeah, super safe. And so one of my jobs was to be the security for visiting dignitaries. And I'm making air quotes and dignitaries because so many famous people would come to the mall, but one day they called me and said, you are going to be security for mis-Sharmon Oaks. This was the Sherman Oaks Galleria now out of business. day they called me and said, you are going to be security for mis-Shermanoaks. This was the Sherman Oaks Galleria now out of business. And I was excited.

And in my baggy beige polyester uniform was standing there and did nothing. But for some crazy reason, the absolutely beautiful, lovely mis-Shermanoaks, let's call her Ronda, took a liking to me. I don't know why, I still don't know why, but she basically hit on me after I just stood there while she cut a ribbon or something. It's the bodyguard, it's because of the bodyguard. Yeah, it was the way the mind was. It was the way the mind was. It was all insane about anyone whose job it is to vaguely protect us. Exactly, it's ruined everything. So she asked me out and of course I said yes I was stunned that this was happening and said meet me in my house.

Here's the address and it was great because I worked the night shift and my job was to work from about 7 pm to 7 am and she lived about a mile and a half away from them all. So we made a plan and because I couldn't get off, what I realized is the walkie talkies that we used had a range of about two miles. So I knew I could pretend I was on a patrol and call it in and then get in my 76 dots in 280Z, please calm down. And my boy, yeah, race over to her house. So that's what I did and I called in a patrol

and they said, okay, race to her house, I was still in my uniform. When I got there, it was a apartment and I walked in the door and they said, okay, race to her house, I was still in my uniform. When I got there, it was her apartment and I walked in the door and it was a very weird shape apartment, it was sort of an L shape and so you had to walk in the front and make a hard right pass the bathroom to make a hard left into the dining room

and she had laid out this beautiful spread, wine and cheese and she looked beautiful and it was clear that it was going to be a very fun evening and it was sort of ready to go. And she explained to me that her brother brought this bottle of wine back from Thailand. It was a time or low and he was very excited to bring it back and she'd been saving it for a special occasion. So I wasn't really a wine guy, but I asked her, is Thailand known for Molo? And she said that her brother said yes, so that was good enough for her. And I didn't have any of the drink, but I started eating and she started pouring the wine

glass after glass. And so while this is going on, I'm on the Waki-Taki calling in patrol, so I'd say like, I'm on level three behind R&B furniture and they thought I was there. So I was covering myself because I figured this all out. So she starts to get hammered and I'm eating the food and I'm watching the clock because I know I have roughly two to three hours before I have to physically show up in the security office. And she's just getting blasted on this time or low. And excuses herself before we are about to clearly make out. And I'm thrilled. And she goes to the bathroom and I'm waiting. And I'm waiting and I'm waiting in about five minutes go by

and 10 minutes go by and then 15 minutes go by. And I'm now getting a little nervous looking at the clock. And I ask her if she's okay. And she says everything is fine. And then another 15 minutes go by. And I ask if she's okay. And her voice has a sort of crispness to it that I had not heard previously.

And then I start to hear what sounds like sobbing and punching and rattling coming from the bathroom. And now I'm really, I don't know what's going on in the bathroom, but I also am looking at the clock as now I'm running out of time. So I say, are you sure you don't need any help? And she starts to scream, I won't scream it in the mic, but she's like, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Just have more cheese. So the crying and the punching and the, there's things breaking. So I realize she's sick and she's had bad wine and the time her low is bad. And now I start to hear breaking and throwing up and smashing. It's like there's a tiger in the bathroom. So I go, are you okay? and the timer low is bad. And now I start to hear breaking and throwing up and smashing. It's like there's a tiger in the bathroom. So I go, are you okay?

And all I start to hear is screaming at the top of her lungs. She goes, the fucking wine, the fucking timer low. But in between that, there's liquid evacuating and things splattering. And I peer around the corner. There is, she'd left the door open to jar and she's punching the wall. She's covered in sweat. Her mascara is completely poured down her face.

Her clothes are sort of ripped off and she's, everything is coming out of every possible hole. I wish everyone could see the faces. So I'm making it right now. It's just silent Tara and horror. Sorry, Rob Caron. No, no, please. So she is, there's like multiple aliens bursting out of every orifice of her body, and there's not coming down her face.

And I just sort of, I realize obviously nothing's gonna happen that night, but I say, are you sure you don't wanna help because I have to get back to work? And she goes, fuck you, you're staying, I'm fine. But I see this through the crack of the door, and it's literally snot and piss and puke, fuck you, you're staying, I'm fine. But I see this through the crack of the door and it's literally snot and piss and puke, everything. So I realize nothing's gonna happen

and I just say very, meekly and freaked out. I go, I have to go back to work. I'm so sorry, I've got to get back to work. And she goes, no, don't leave. This was gonna be special. And I go, I gotta go. So I'm like, oh my God, she's I.O's guys, Somme. Again, with the like, who the fuck do you think you were

that you can survive someone seeing you in that situation and you think the night has still got something magical and sexy to bring, that's extraordinary. Yes, she thought it was still gonna happen, it was gonna be amazing. So, I just apologize and say, I gotta get back to work,

but I'm calling in these hush panic patrols, so that the guys in the control room will think that I'm still at work, and I'm like, yeah, I'm behind my specific theaters, everything's good for it. And then, I realize that I can't leave in front of it because now she's furious in the bathroom, so like an idiot, I think the only way out of here

is through the kitchen window. So I run and she has a horizontally opening window and I leap over the sink and basically die out her kitchen window, which is a one-story apartment. And in my panic, I hear her screaming behind me and no action here. I catch my badge on the window sill and it rips my shirt, but I'm not even worried about that. So I bail out, I get in my car, I'm racing back to the gallery as fast as I can, and I come screeching up and go inside the mall

so I can come outside of the control room and basically go, everything's great. I straighten myself out and they're wondering if everything's all right, because I look like I've seen multiple ghosts. Yeah. And I lie to them and I say, everything's great, because I have to keep my job and they're

like, okay, fine. Can you go check on this thing in the parking lot? And I tell them this amazing lie and everything is cool until I hear another car come screaming up. And it is a convertible VW rabbit that comes blasting up. The hot car. Hot car, exactly. Races up and screeches to a halt right in front of the door of the security office. Steam of smoke coming off the car. Hot girl car, exactly. Races up and screeches to a halt right in front of the door

of the security office. Steam of smoke coming off the tires. And I see the completely blasted, now wind blasted, and shit and piss covered, mis-sermon oaks, in her underpants, in her car. And she basically goes, you forgot this asshole and holds up my badge. And the guys in the security office,

don't know what's going on. And I'm panicking, a terrible liar, face just goes white. And they ask what's going on. And I'm like, I don't know who she is. And they go, is that Miss Sherman Oaks? And I'm like, yes. Like, I'm trying to identify her

without claiming any connection to her. So long story short, she explained what had just happened and I got fired on the spot. Yep, got fired. Oh man. And then she flipped me off and drove away. Oh, that was such a dick move of her to do that to get you fired just because you left because she was having ongoing, rageful, dire rear. I think that was a dick move.

That's such a horrifying, like, Paul No Gone Wrong, isn't it? Because you think the fantasy is going to happen. Like, you already can't believe it when it's going on, that she's chosen you. She's asked you out that night. She's brought all the wine and the food, like, clearly extremely keen. I mean, it's just, I've never heard of a 180, like, fucking love it. That story is so hauntingly disgusting. And the visual that you paint of her screaming

and punching exorcist style is going to live with me for the rest of my life. It's your ex, it's my gift. She didn't even close the door of the whole way. She closed it almost the entire way, but there was a wall. Yeah, but when you're that hot, Alice, and you don't need to, okay. There is an unspoken rule

I reckon that beauty queen tab of like anything goes. She thinks the night is still going to go on. She thinks they're going to get right back to the neocase and they're going to fuck up to that. Like this is, it's a level, it's a code. It's a code that we don't live by of the beauty queens. I think there's something we just I think we haven't been given the the cheat code of the confidence But that's extraordinary another another legend another legend and just one episode. It was gonna be a brief bathroom trip Well, thank you for ruining everyone's lunch or dinner with that exceptional story We'll be right back. Bad beats! The seaside town of Ambul is cold grey and run down, so when a wild dolphin appears,

it's the miracle everyone's been waiting for. It was like a magical draw. I'm going and nothing can stop me. I must meet the stuffin' Some believe Freddy has healing powers others that he's an alien Everyone wants to swim with him. It's just this world, you know Until one day someone is accused of taking things way too far Alan Cooper committed an act of allude, obscene and disgusting nature. A tabloid scandal leads to a court battle that grips the whole country.

By behaving in an indecent manner with a bottle nose dolphin. From Wondry and Blanchard House, I'm Becky Milligan and this is Hooked on Freddy. Listen to Hooked on Freddy on the one-dria, or wherever you get your podcasts. Deep in the enchanted forest, from the whimsical world of Disney Frozen, something is wrong. Airendel is in danger once again

from dark forces threatening to disrupt the peace and tranquility. And it's up to Anna and Elsa to stop the villains before it's too late. For the last 10 years, Frozen has mesmerized millions around the world. Now Wondry presents Disney Frozen Forces of Nature podcast, which extends the storytelling of the beloved animated series as an audio-first original story, complete with new characters and a standalone adventure set after the events of Frozen 2. Reunite with the whole crew, Anna, Elsa, Olaf, and Kristoff for an action-packed adventure

of fun, imagination, and mystery. Follow along as the gang enlist the help of old friends and new as they venture deep into the forest and discover the mysterious copper machines behind the chaos. And count yourself amongst the allies as they investigate the strange happenings in the enchanted forest. The only question is, are Anna and Elsa able to save their peaceful kingdom? Listen early and add free to the entire season of Disney Frozen Forces of Nature podcast,

along with exclusive bonus content on Wondry Plus. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app, or Wondry Plus Kids on Apple Podcasts. And we're back. Allison, your story is called Dick Van Dyke Day. Yes. So a little backstory, my date occurred with someone I was in a relationship with. And so this was a guy who I met when I was working at Buzzfeed. And I just thought that he was like the coolest guy.

I was just like, I mean, I was obsessed. You know those people that, I don't know for any of you, but that person where you break up and then for years afterwards, you're like, but we will somehow be together again. And they haven't thought of you in months. I was really into this guy, Dan. That's his real name. He knows all about this. And he was someone who, it was as if he had been born in another time

based on his interests. Like he was like obsessed with Lucille Ball, had like so much Lucille Ball merchandise. And then also love Dick Van Dyke. Wait, was it, do you think it was real? It was one of those like cool guys works at Buzzfeed doing a bit so that everyone's like, he's so quirky and mysterious.

No, it was not. It was, it was true. Like, it was like, he had the interest of a man many decades older than him. But he, so he- I collect Beatles memorabilia, so also I can't talk. I'm being a cunt. There you go. Go on. I can't talk, I'm being a cunt. But so he had gotten us tickets to go see Dick Van Dyke in Malibu.

Like, give a little in person, give a little show, have a little signing, and he was so jazzed about this day. I didn't really know who to put a die quote. But before we're getting ready to leave, I like start to feel nauseous. And at that point in my life, I was not familiar with that. Cut to me at 33. I have poor blessed reflex. I'm vomiting all the time. But at that point, I was still a fresh mid 20 something going, what's happening to my body? And so I threw up in the kitchen sink, which is a gross detail, but I'd hate a toilet. And I was still feeling kind of sick,

but he was like, well, that was weird. We got to get to dick fill. I'm dying, Phil. Which kitchen had you thrown up in? My kitchen. Your kitchen. My kitchen. Right kitchen right right and honestly If I can teach people anything it's sad. It's actually pretty convenient to throw up in your kitchen sink because you've got

I have roommates so I don't think anyone would love our fly but go on in private you get a quick clean up It's a quick you got that if you have a garbage disposal it's right down Uh-huh easy peasy and you know. But you had thrown up and he said, not how are you? He said, we've got to get to Dick Van Dyke. Yeah. I mean, it was like a sense of like, oh, are you okay?

I felt like I don't know. I feel really weird still. And he was like, great, we got to get to Dick Van Dyke. Right. And so me not being an experienced vamiter at the time, I was like, well, I should probably bring something in the car just in case this happens again, but I wasn't thinking through the logic of that.

So I'm pretty sure I brought like a paper bag, which is not a substance that will hold vomit. No, you're thinking because of the aeroplane, but they've got special linings. Right, they have special linings. You need a pot, you need a plastic bag, you need something that's not porous, I guess. Okay, good to know.

I am in the car, we're driving on the way there. I'm like, oh no, I don't feel well again. And then I vomit into the bag, but the bag immediately rips leaks through. Oh my god. And I have vomit all over myself. Oh my god. And my dress. And but the thing that makes me feel. Wait, what did you feel in that moment? I've never I've experienced a lot of horrors in the days of urban, but never that. What does that feel like when it's in front of someone that you really, really like?

No matter what's going on in my life, there's always that writer in me that is like, oh, but we'll use this later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is so devastating, but this will be good for Twitter. And so I get, I'm like covered in vomit, but the only thing that made what happened, what happens next possible is that I was out of character pretty much wearing this like dark brown paisley dress.

And for whatever reason, the dress didn't show that I was covered in vomit. Like it didn't, you couldn't tell. So you just smelled amazing. I smell different. Yeah. And so we're like in the car, and in my head, I'm like, well, I just threw up on myself. We'll be going home now. That's kind of a day, the end of the day. And there was like some discussion of going home.

But then after like 10 minutes, I was like, I'm not great with geography, but I was like, I don't, it doesn't seem like we turned around. And it turned out we were still head and straight to Malibu because he had to see Dick Van Dyke. And at this point, I think I should tell all of you that this was not his first time meeting Dick Van Dyke. Like, this wasn't, this wasn't even like a once-in-a-life time opportunity. This was sort of a repeat experience that was, I guess, enjoyable.

And so we get to this, like, lovely, like, Malibu theater place and I'm, like, go into the bathroom and I'm, like, trying to clean myself, but, like, not to be so gross and revealing, but, you know, I had vomited on my laps. Like my underwear was like soaked. Oh. So I like, Jesus Christ. I had to throw my underwear out in the bathroom. But you're still wearing a dress because it didn't show. Right, the paisley dress.

It was not visible and I was not wearing underwear. And then we like went in and like there was a part where like he had paid to meet Dick Van Dyke, but I had it. So I'm there like covered in vomit, like having to like stand in the back while he like gets to go up on stage and like shake Dick Van Dyke's hand and while he gets to go up on stage and shake Dick Van Dyke's hand and have the time of his life. And then this Instagram photo I swear to you because I checked is still up on his Instagram.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Dick Van Dyke. And then the caption from October 3rd, 2015 is, Alison puked on our way to meet Dick Van Dyke, but I kept driving because I needed this picture. Oh. Oh, then I remained on and off and love with him

for years afterwards. So we all, you know. Did you take that picture? I took the picture, yeah. Oh my goodness. That's awesome. This is an episode about extraordinary confidence. This is an episode about bold and extraordinary confidence.

The way he treated you that night was like he could get away with anything. And he did not for a long time. Would you even give you the option of paying to go and see Dick Van Dykel? Did you not know about that until he got up on the stage? I don't remember. I think maybe it was like only certain amount of people

got to do it, but it was like very funny to have gone through this whole thing and then not even get to have the full experience. How was the drive back from Dick Van Dyke? So again, I think at the time I was such in a place of this is so funny. Like what kind of monster makes their vomit-covered girlfriend Meet Dick Van Dyke?

Like, I was still in the comedy room element of it. And then I would tell the story to people as if it was very funny and people would be like, oh no, you got to get out of that relationship. So what ended the relationship in the end? So it was one of those on-again off-again because on our one-year anniversary, we went out to this nice dinner and then he proceeded to tell me how he had been thinking about his ex-girlfriend recently and how he always thought that when you met the right person, you had a moment of clarity, but

he never had that with me, so that had been really concerning to him. He was just sort of talking to me as if I was his buddy, not the person he was talking about. He was talking about you to you, basically. Yeah, and I had to be like, oh, that must be hard. You must be difficult not to know if you love me. And so that kind of was like, I feel like that sort of then ended our like formalish relationship. And then there was like six months of on and off.

And then I went to him, you know, if you're not really gonna commit to me fully, I'm gonna start dating other people. And he, I think didn't believe me. So then I dated Dick Van Dyke. I did, yeah. Well, I, the one thing I will say is if you have tickets to see Dick Van Dyke, there is an element of like, is he going to die tomorrow? Cool. There's like more, there's more urgency to see Dick Van Dyke than a younger

celebrity because you think it's, I thought you were going in a different direction. I thought you were like, and you could be there for that. Like, you could be there. You could see Dick and I had died. I would have done everything in my power to spite Fuck Dick Van Dyke. It's Dick Van Dyke still alive. He is.

So it turns out we did it need you to go that day. You got to have sex with him. He's 97. Yeah. There's still time. Yeah. There's still time. He's still fertile. You could take it all the way anyway. OK, I'm going to move on.

Bad dates. Thank you all for your wonderful stories. We have one more left to come, which is from one of our dear listeners who's written in about her terrible date. Her name is Heather, and she says, my bad date was one of those awkward, one-sided dates that sneaks up on you. I was just finishing my junior year of college and was in the ROTC program to become

an officer once I graduated. As part of this program, I was assigned to a young army officer who was probably two years out of college. I had zero romantic inclinations towards this guy. I realised he may have other ideas when he took me out in his beloved Mustang to drive me around the airfield as I wanted to be a helicopter pilot. The whole drive, he kept driving really fast like he was Vin Diesel and kept trying to look deep into my eyes. It was an awkward experience. He proceeded to then ask me to work out with him and took me on a long run along the airfield.

I was a little wary of this, but went along with it. We get into a secluded spot and he stops and recommends we do sit-ups and push-ups here. Again, I reluctantly comply. As we are doing sit-ups, I hear him start groaning. Then his groan turns to screams. He jumps up and starts manically swatting at his crotch. Mother Nature had my back because as he flopped down, bullsack first, it was straight into a pile of fire ants. And these ants tore into... Oh my God.

They tore into his scrotum, guys. Oh! They tore into his scrotum. Like my family at an old country buffet with a 50% off coupon. Yes, Heather. That is the kind of imagery that we seek on bad days. He tried to jog back, but could barely walk.

And he ended up going to the infirmary and was out of work for the rest of the week to ice its balls. After I left, he wrote me a letter about how it wasn't the right time for us to make love. I love people so much. That's awesome. Again, the confidence. Yeah. Otherwise, though, I was crushing this thing. Oh, Heather, I'm so sorry that you got rejected by the fucking lunatic.

Imagine trying to think exercise is ever gonna make someone horny. Like there's just nothing, there's nothing that would murder my vagina more. It just blows like the food as someone tries to make me do like forced sit-ups. People meet at the gym, I feel like. I feel like that's a common. But I don't think they can continue to work out. I think they wait till a moment of pause or wait till the end.

Oh, that's true. Also, they've both opted into the gym. That's like someone grabbing you from the street, like, bringing, dragging you into the gym and then forcing you to work out. It's fucked up. What a joke. What a hock.

But again, his confidence. This is the ongoing theme of the day, confidence. We all need to take something and learn from this. I, I wholly appreciate everyone's stories, especially your tether. Thank you very much. And before we go, does anyone have any words of dating wisdom that they would like to impart? I think Joey is still in Minneapolis. He's really lovely.

Honestly, he was great. Thank you so much, guys. You've been an absolute joy. And I hope to see you soon. Thank you. Thank you so much guys, you've been an absolute joy and I hope to see you soon. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks to me. Follow Ia Cash on Instagram at maybe Ia Cash. Follow Alice and Raskin on social media on Instagram at Alice and Raskin and tick top at Alice and Raskin baby and listen to her podcast just between us wherever you listen to podcasts.

Make sure to read her novels. I hate everyone but you, please send help and overthinking about you. Follow Rob Cohen on Instagram at Rob is being Canadian. Continue listening to bad dates. Bad dates is produced by smartness media and wonderery. Created by Rob at Cohen. Executive producers are Rob at Cohen and Jemila Jemil.

That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes.

Executive producers for Smartness Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more Bad Gates See you next time for more! Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.