Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - A Pair Of Hands Will Tell You (w/ Nicole Aimée Schreiber, Mike Lawrence, and Nore Davis)

Episode Date: June 2, 2025

On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Nicole Aimée Schreiber, Mike Lawrence, and Nore Davis to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Nicole really likes Matzo balls and luckily her date doesn’t mind them either, Mike is bi-curious but in the end it’s just “bye,” and Nore gets introduced to red wine but in the morning lets something slip. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips.Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Nicole Aimée Schreiber: @nicoleaimee on socials Mike Lawrence: @mikelawrencecomedy on socials, Nerd Of Mouth podcastNore Davis: @noredavis on socials, noredavis.com Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

Smart. Less. Me. Young. The guys like call me daddy. I'm like, I have a really good relationship with my father. Yeah, it's at the age of 37 now. I'm really starting to age out because it's like when a guy wants to do that with me,

I'm like, you're like five years older than me. You're my older cousin. We can do older cousin play if you want, but like I'm like, you're like five years older than me, you're my older cousin. We can do older cousin play if you want, but like, I'm not, like, you're not my dad. Like there's just no, I can't suspend my disbelief. I can't do it. No, but sometimes I love as a real boner killer for a guy like to just be like, dad!

And then immediately he won't come. Aw, man. Peace. In three, two, one, I'm starting the podcast now. Include that. That's right. I said I'm starting the podcast now. The podcast is Bad Dates. I'm your host, Joel Kim Booster.

We're back, back, back again for another week of Tales from the Trenches, guys. This is a podcast where I invite some of my funniest friends and they all share their trauma with us. And bad dates on this podcast can mean anything from a first date, a second date, a third date, a marriage, a hookup. We really have a wide umbrella here

because people gotta tell their stories. They got to process their grief. And I serve as a platform for that. But before we get to our guests today, as we've been doing for the last couple of weeks, we gathered a list from relationship experts of 150 questions you should ask on the first date in order to better get to know your date and see if you're compatible. And so we've been asking our panelists these questions and I've been answering as well. And today's question is, what's a personal red flag for you that most people would be fine with? And this is a tough one. I think like, I don't know that everyone is fine with this. More people are fine with this than I am, but under-tipping is a big red flag for me. That I cannot.

Like it is, there will be no further date. If I peep the bill, because of course like you will be paying, but if I peep the bill and it's 10%, you're done, you're chopped, you're stomped. Get out of my life. Joel is like, if you don't take out that tip app, there's it's 10 percent. You done. You're shocked. You're stumped. Get out of your life. Like if you don't take out that tip app, there's no second. Because I don't know math.

So I'm like, I got to bring that back. Math at all. Just give just just move the decimal point. It turns out all all that you will experience is just the tip. Yeah. Damn. Oh, my God. Our panelist is running wild today. I have not even introduced them yet, and they are already interjecting. We got to get them in here today. Joining me is a comedian, a writer and an actress who has performed on Roast

Battle and the Netflix is a Joke Festival. Nicole, I'm a tribe. I may. It's I may as the French way or the English American way is Amy. We could just go basic and say Amy, but I really wanted to go for a May. A May. Shriver. We also have another Roast Battle veteran.

He's a comedian and a writer from this year's Golden Globe Awards, and he co-hosts the podcast, Nerd of Mouth. It's my good buddy, Mike Lawrence. Hey, what's up? Yeah. Good to see you, man. My red flag is people asking 150 questions on a date. Here are the 150 questions.

I just imagine everyone leaves the restaurant and you're like, number 68? Finally, another old, old, old friend, deep, deep family, a comedian, a writer, producer, an actor from shows like Survival of the Thickest, and succession, heard of it, it's Norrie Davis, everybody. What's up, Joe? Oh, it's so good to see you all.

Good to see you, man. I'm so excited to have all of you, two roast battle alums, incredible. You know, I will say this, Mike, my favorite story about you, I will tell very quickly, is that people always ask me why I will say this, Mike, my favorite story about you, I will tell very quickly, is that people always ask me why I never did more roast battles. And my thing was, is I was always like, I'm gay and Asian,

so I'm sure I've heard most of the jokes since I was 13 years old. Like, I'm not gonna hear anything new. But the worst reality is, is that I do hear something new and I find out all the things that all the comics are talking about me behind my back that I don't even know is annoying. And I said this to you, Mike, back in 20, I want to say 16 or 15. And without missing a beat, you turned to me and said, Oh, you mean like all those really

long Facebook posts that you post that everybody thinks is annoying? And I was like, I told you, Mike, I did not want to know what the thing was. Like, I just wanted it all to be racist and homophobic. And you actually took it and cut me very, very deep. And that is why I knew you were a real one. Yeah. No, I will never forget. Being friends with Mike is like doing ayahuasca. He like he's going to show that meridio and let you know who you really are.

Like you don't even need to pay all that money and go with some shaman who has a trust fund. Like you can just be friends with Mike Lawrence and he'll be like, this is who you are,. Like, you don't even need to pay all that money and go with some shaman who has a trust fund. Like, you can just be friends with Mike Lawrence and he'll be like, this is who you are, bitch. Exactly. I don't care that you're gay and Asian. I'm not an uneducated audience in the Midwest. Yeah.

See, and then that's where the ruthlessness of LA Comics. Y'all win on Rose Battle. Y'all got that shit. New York, we a century of as fuck. Y'all got it. Y'all all on our posts. Y'all reading, y'all scanning. Just in case y'all got that shit. New York, we a Saint-Liv-as-fuck. Y'all got it, y'all all on our posts. Y'all reading, y'all scanning, just in case we come over to those Rose Battles,

we like, oh no, we know what the fuck you've been doing. We gonna talk about it. So Nicole, what is a red flag for you that most people are fine with? Okay, maybe it's because I'm from Detroit, I'm a car girl, but if a guy doesn't know how to change a tire, we're done, we're done.

Like listen, if we get a flat tire on the date, you can have AAA, you can call AAA, but I just wanna know that you can still change that tire. It's a pretty simple process, ultimately. So, I can do it. Like it's daunting, but it's simple. It's daunting, it's simple. It's screwing and unscrewing. But also, like, just get me in the mood, all right?

Be a useful man. Do some, do some faces. Yeah, do you remember when men used to be men? I love it. I just, my dad was a blue collar guy, so I guess I just love a blue collar man. Like, you see that tire, you fix that tire. Nicole, we can't mess up our nails.

Straight guys used to be straight guys, gay guys used to be gay guys, and now everyone's painting their nails. We don't know, up is down mess up our nails. Straight guys used to be straight guys, gay guys used to be gay guys, and now everyone's painting their nails. We don't know, up is down, down is up. If you can't use a jack in front of Amy, you're gonna be jacking it at home. Yes, exactly. My skinny jeans can't get down there.

No, I'm sorry. Wear those skinny jeans, paint those nails. Be as effeminate as you want, but when it comes to a flat tire, fix it. And then fix me. I want you to fix me. This is a common theme that has come up on the pod a lot, is... Wanting the men to be men? Yeah, exactly. Mike Lawrence, what is a red flag that bothers you

but doesn't bother a lot of other people? And I'm sure you have a list. Yeah, I mean, I am autistic to the point where I can't even drive, so does that qualify me or disqualify me? Mike, can you not drive? Yeah, I've never driven a car. Yeah. Oh my God. You can't even make eye contact with the road.

Now I can't even make eye contact with the road. My eyes go where the windshield wipers go just back and forth. Amy, that's a front runner for title of the app. Eye contact with the road. Love it. For me, I mean, you kind of said it, but any server abuse, any kind of rudeness, because then I know you're detached from society.

Nori, what is your red flag that bothers you, but doesn't seem to bother anyone else? Isolation is a big one. Like, no, don't accept that shit. Like, definitely you should be able to have your friends. And they should be able to accept your partner, whoever they are, and your family. I don't think you're gonna get a lot of pushback on that.

I think most people agree that you should be able to hang out with your friends. I push back if it's the first date. You should not come with a crew. I mean, we've literally had stories on here where someone showed up with their mother. This is a rap video, nigga. Like, I'm bringing everybody.

The first date, it's a rap video. You should not have the Coolio Fantastic Voyage car where people just keep coming out. Yes. And then there's a rabbi to show how inclusive you are. Incredible. Bad dates. Bad dates. Bad dates.

First storyteller up at bat is the one and only Nicole Amey-Triver. Hello. Nicole, can you give us a little bit of context for where you're at right now relationship wise? Are you in a relationship? Are you single? Are you dating?

Are you fucking? What's going on? I am single. I am not fucking. I have boundaries. Okay, I have boundaries. I am in a 12 step program. And a neighborhood dog.

Now, won't shut up. I'm watching my neighbor's dog, all right? I'm a dog lady. But no, I am single, ready to mingle. I'm one year out of a relationship with someone who I thought was the one, and they were not. That is tough. And so, you know, I think I'm finally,

no, I don't think, I know I'm finally ready today. You know? And that's good. Put that out into the universe, and it'll sure to come back to you. I hope so. Where in the timeline does your story take place? Is this pre-ex or post-ex? Is this like in the sort of like wreckage of your life after the breakup or in the...

This was in the wreckage of my life in my 20s. All right, this is 20s. This is 20s wreckage, okay. Whoo! This is all the life lessons learned in the hardest way possible. I was out there, you know, mama was a rolling stone, okay? She was getting mileage on these tires, all right?

And wishy-dove! And I was dating a guy who I really liked so, so much. And he was a little bit older, so I was, you you know trying to be like a little girl and me like I knew my shit I mean it's maybe like a month into the relationship and I know that I really like him we had just gone to dinner we went to Cantor's okay as a what was the tip he tipped well he tipped well he tipped well and we went to Cantor's and I got matzah ball soup as I do as a Jew. I love matzah ball soup. My

favorite thing. And I don't know if you've ever had matzah ball soup at Cantor's Deli. The portions are obscene. And growing up in a family that you weren't allowed to leave the table until you finished your dinner, I clean a plate, okay? I don't fuck around. I respect that. Food waste? Big pet peeve of mine. Big pet peeve. Yeah, same.

Like, I don't think I've ever taken anything to go in my life when people are like, I'm just gonna have a little. Yeah, I love a partner that can chow down. They call me the vulture when we go out to dinner because I'm like, oh. Yeah, yeah, no. No, no, no, don't box that up, I'm eating that.

Yeah, yeah, no. I eat meal. Like someone's taking my food away and I'm like, I get it in there as fast as possible. Yeah. That's hot. So I just, you know, I slammed down the multiple soup. We're back at my apartment. We're hooking up. We're getting it on. I'm giving them a, you know, a loan job. And, um, you know, I, I, when it comes to blow jobs, like, you want to say it with your full chest, we can beat that. Say it with my full chest. I was giving, I was, I was sucking that dick. She was squeezing the sour cream out of a locker. Not only was I squeezing the sour cream out of the locker, I was trying to squeeze the love,

his love out of his dick hole. I was like, give me your love. And so I was in there, I was committed. I was, you know, two hands, one hand, it wasn't that big. It was one hand and then just like the whole thing. And then I went- Did he pay for the matzo dough? Absolutely, he was older.

He had a job. Okay, gotcha, gotcha. I don't wanna brag. Not enough. I was dating a man with a job. And I went all the way, I, you know, I fully committed to that blow job. And then I threw up matzo ball soup onto his dick. Now, how processed was this matzo ball soup

at this point in the night, would you say? It was, I mean, honestly, I shouldn't have been swimming. Okay, I shouldn't have been swimming, okay? I shouldn't have been swimming or getting blowed up, all right, it was within a half an hour, all right? I basically, I ate the soup, we got the check, we ran home hot and horny, because nothing gets you in the mood

like overeating, quick dry cement matzo balls, okay? I threw up, I was, first of all, completely naked. I screamed, I was like, oh my God, I am so sorry. And I got up and I'm running, I hid in my closet. Your own closet. And then he comes over to my own closet. I went into my own closet, naked, barf on my face, barf on him, I was like, you can fend for yourself

at that point. And then he walks over and he's like, hey, he's like, Nicole, don't worry, this is great. Now I got matzo balls because the matzo balls were on his balls. And so and is this man, Tony Hinchcliffe? Like, what is hilarious. I am so like, what a like that is like, wow, I can hear the curb music like start to play after he says it.

You know, did you laugh in the moment? is like, wow, I can hear the curb music like start to play after he says it, you know? Did you laugh in the moment? No, I started crying. I was really mortified. And then he's like, are you standing naked in your closet covered in vomit crying? And I was like, yes. That's a Billie Eilish song if I've ever heard it.

I mean, truly, truly. Or Lana Del Rey. And Finneas would do that matzah ball joke. Yeah, he really would. That's his part in the creative process. Did you resume after this or was this game over? You know, I came out of the closet. We took a shower together because there was just, you know, barf everywhere. And then we probably had sex in the

shower. Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Nicole. I just got so confused because I forgot you were physically in the closet. And I thought that this blowjob was so traumatic to you that you came out of the closet. You threw up on this dick and said, actually, I'm good. Let me tell you, everybody's waiting for me to come out of the closet. I's waiting for me to come out of the closet. I'm waiting for me to come out of the closet. Okay, there's absolutely I have played way too much softball and dipped way too much tobacco to be a straight woman. But here I am.

All right. Yeah, your your dogs are actually just cats and dog costumes and they're waiting for you to be gay to take the costumes off. Everyone's waiting for me to be gay. Tick tock, Nicole. Tick tock. I just need to move to Portland. All right. So when you took a shower with him, you felt better?

Yeah, I did. And then he was like, he told me how much he liked me. He told me he was like, he was like, Hey, listen, I don't think this is gonna make you feel any better. But just so you know, if any other girl would have puked on my deck, I'd be gone. He's like, hey, listen, I don't think this is gonna make you feel any better. But just so you know, if any other girl would have puked on my dick, I'd be gone. He's like, but I really like you. He's like, so I find this really endearing. That's actually kind of sweet. Yeah, I do wonder, like, the thing is, I this is happening to me both ways.

Wait, you puked on someone and someone's puked on you. Of course. And someone has puked on my dick. But I will say when someone puked on my dick, it is like sort of as a man, you're sort of like, hell yeah. You know, like it is. There is a little element of that. It's like my compliments to the chef, you know.

Exactly. It's like, oh, like, you... I reached the gag reflex. And that is a, you know, that feels good sometimes. I mean, guys with little dicks aren't getting their dicks fuked on, okay? No, that is true. That is, you know, if I were on another show, I would say it was a rule of culture, but it is not that show.

Nicole, did you see this man after this moment? Or were you two... Yeah, we ended up dating. We ended up dating for six months. Jared Ranere Whoa! Nicole Lange Yeah. Jared Ranere Oh man, what a wedding speech that would have been.

Jason Bahl I think you're gonna say eight months, but it should have lasted one. Nicole Lange Yeah. Well, I already ate and then I pooped. So yeah. But yeah, so we dated for a while. He was very, he was, you know, there's a few relationships in my life I can look back on and, and feel good about what transpired. That's one of them. That's great. I, I'm going to declare that this is one of the rare, I'd say probably one of three stories on the podcast that since I have taken over hosting where there are no villains in the story. Like you were not a villain. You were merely a victim of circumstance and biology.

And on both sides, it was a victimless crime. Yeah, no, no, absolutely. And it's like rarely on this podcast specifically, do we hear tales of straight men doing aftercare? By the way, stunning aftercare. And I think aftercare is one of the most attractive things a man can do. And he held me. He held me in the shower. Nicole, did you learn any lessons from this date or six-month long relationship that you took with you into the future?

First and foremost, don't eat cantors on a date. Maybe just don't eat on a date. You know, just like have the date and then... I always say fuck first, then eat. Yeah, otherwise you never want to be too fuck to full and you also never want to be too... Wait, too full to fuck and you never want to be too full to blow. Bad dates.

["Bad Dates Theme Song"] ["Bad Dates Theme Song"] Bad dates. ["Bad Dates Theme Song"] I look forward to the day when you come back on the podcast and reveal that you are now married to a woman in Portland with a mullet and we will welcome you with open arms to our community. Nicole, we will. We will. We absolutely will. Who we won't be welcoming with open arms is Mike Lawrence. Marry Mike. No trades will be made today, but no, I'm kidding. I love you, Mike. I know you are very happily married yourself right now.

Correct. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we are married. We we we we've been together 15 years. And as of two weeks from now, and we have a beautiful boy. Um, I want to say Joel, you're one of the reasons I was into the idea of adopting because you're such an awesome person and yeah, Oh my God, Mike, that actually really, thank you for saying that.

That makes me feel good. But I'm dead to you. So a ghost said that. But seriously, seriously, you were one of the first adoptive adults I've met. And I remember you talking about your adoptive family. And yeah, we didn't even try IVF or anything. We were like, let's just adopt for JKB. I love that.

And thank you for saying that. That is so sweet. I love you so much. Yeah, buddy. Um, but now onto the trauma portion of the show. Where in the timeline, because you've been with your wife for a long time now, 15 years, that's not nothing,

but I do know you've been getting around in the open mic scene in cities all across America for many, many years. Hilarious. So I'm sure that there is something that happened before you met the love of your life. This was when I was 21 years old. This is November 2004.

The fray is having its way with our hearts on the charts. How to save a life, baby. Yeah, damn right. Couldn't save mine. And I had gotten out of my first ever like real relationship breakup. We'd been together for like over four years, never had sex. And, and then, so then, you know, Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What were you doing for four years?

Were you Christian? No, no. She said, I don't like the idea of someone inside me. And I, I was a fucking idiot. And I said, okay, I respect that. Wow. Mike's like, Mike's like, yeah, I have issues with texture as well. It's it's so crazy. Happy New Year. I respect it. We're like villainizing Mike for respecting this woman's boundaries. For years. Oh, gross. Finally, a man is doing something right. And we're like, what? Yeah.

And I, you know, and people would be like, well, maybe you're just gay. So I dated a guy for like a few weeks. Oh, interesting. I had no idea. How does that feel? Tell me you were listening. Yeah, yeah. Then he, you know, he was Jewish, I was Jewish,

he threw up all my dick, I yelled free Palestine, it didn't work, but anyway. Ah, bam. Joke is around the corner, baby, it's coming. No, so, no, we were at, I was at a friend's house and he was like a mutual friend of another friend that was there and there's nothing more romantic than when you hate a movie the same way.

Oh my God. And we were watching, it's beautiful, right? Literally. The day after tomorrow. My fiance told me the moment he knew that, like, he wanted to date me and that I was like the one was we sat in an empty theater and watched Dear Evan Hansen together and just ripped into it for however many hours that movie is. It was just like mystery science theater with just the two of us in the theater. And it was the most honestly, it's where we fell in love,

is over making fun of Dear Van Hattie. I think that's what long-term love is. You guys can hate the same things together. Like, it doesn't matter what you enjoy together. You need to hate the same people, hate the same movies. If you're not demonizing things on the same page, it's never gonna work. Yeah, if you're not dating your best friend, then what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Don't worry. I love you so much. It's never gonna work. Yeah, if you're not dating your best friend, then what the fuck are you doing? Yeah?

Enjoy I mean you can't watch Ben Platt in that movie not think I look good for my age So we're watching that and and then you know We go see the Incredibles and he's talking through it. And I'm like, no, this is good movie. You don't talk during good movie. Incredibles is my number one movie. I've watched it maybe. It's pretty great. Yeah. Yeah.

What the red flag from my, not the incredible. Yeah. Mr. Frozo's talking. You're talking. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, no. Yeah.

Is my decor on the movie. Yes. And he didn't even know that Ed Namode was based on a real designer, so I'm like, what kind of gay are you? You're like, no capes, no talking, no capes, no talking. But anyway, so the third date happens, which is on Thanksgiving. And we, you know, this was South Florida too. You know, just if you're wondering if it was homophobic or not, it very much was.

And this is, I was like five years into working at McDonald's. So we're, we're Thanksgiving and you know, I'm the, you may, you may have been in this situation, Joel, right? I'm the, I may, you may have been in this situation, Joel, right? I'm the, I'm his new friend. And they're just like, Oh, Matthew brought a friend along. And, but I could tell that everybody knew that we were together because they made us sit at the kids table. It's like,

sit in South Florida at the kids table. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're damn right. First name knew less name friend. Right. That was your name. New friend. I mean, that is my little fiance to my nephew's is my.

I get it. I the whole situation you're in right now, like the McDonald's, the South Florida, the like nervous homophobia, it is a Sean Baker film. Like it is it is going to be shot on an iPhone 14 any minute now. Like you will. This is his next Oscar winning film is this story. It's called it's called it's called a dorka. Yeah. So you are.

So you're nervously sitting with your friend. Yeah. And and then we go home and you know, and his mom was nice and she knew and she was just happy he was with someone he was he was he was also like 21. He was diabetic, you know, so I did end up being with someone who was like one of my parents. My dad was diabetic. By the way, I have to back up really quickly, Mike, and just say, like, they set you at the kids table, and it's like, okay, do you want the gays by the kids or not?

Make up your fucking mind, okay? No track links, but yes gays. Like you're just setting yourself at the kids table, but you're saying stay away from the kids, you're sending mixed messages, like make up your fucking mind. I agree, burn it all down. I mean, you know, without saying like make up your fucking mind. I agree. Burn it all down.

I mean, you know, without saying much, these kids were safe, but anyway, so we end up, you know, going back to his place. We're playing N64. All right. Which was awesome. GoldenEye? GoldenEye? What's that?

What game? Uh, no, Metroid. Nice. Oh, good one. Nice. Yeah. Which was awesome. GoldenEye? GoldenEye? What's up? What game? No, Metroid. Nice. We're playing one player games. And then we go to bed and he proceeds to give me the worst hand job I've ever had in my life. It's almost redundant to say worst hand job. You know? Because I've never had a stellar one.

Can I just share a story about a guy I dated that was so weird? He used to like it when I gave him a hand job with baby powder. With baby powder? With baby powder. Tons of baby powder and then it was like this weird, soft, friction or hand job. That is weird. You know what, they all do develop weird habits when we first start learning how to masturbate. That does some of them do carry on significantly older into adult. Okay. But yeah,

no, there's no excuse for that. So he's giving you a bad hand job. No King Jamie, but okay. Yeah, no, no King Jamie. What would you say about it made it a bad blowjob, Mike? Or was it hand? Yeah, it was no, yeah. It felt like my dick was all of his family's necks. Oh. Like, it felt. Nah, bro, you crazy.

It was like the pent up rage of an awful day. And just taken out on little Mikey. And your head was just head was looning up as it was trying to circumcise you again. Yeah, it's like if someone knows if someone knows they're not worthy to be king, but they go for Excalibur anyways. You know, like, yeah, it's picking up Thor's hammer. But you're- Yes, yes, I was the owner.

Yeah. And he was not working on it. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't come or anything. We just went to bed. But the saddest part- Crying doesn't count as coming.

Fluids are involved. The saddest part was that the next morning, you know, I don't drive. This is where this fits into the story. His place was not close to my place. And, you know, we break up, we realize it's, you know, it's just not going to work. And not just because the hand job, but like a lot of family stuff was awkward and everything. And, and I mean, I think, I think he strangled the homosexuality out

of my dick. I think I was, I was, you know, scared straight. You were bi curious and curiosity got your dick squeezed. And I said, I was enough for you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I then end up having to ask him how to get home after we've broken up. I know the bus route is. This was before like I had that, yeah,

a smartphone or anything. So it was just like, he's like sad. You just get out of Thomas Guide to get home. He's like, go west. Yeah, he's like sad and he's like crying a little bit. And he's like, you just go to the edge of the street and then you, and that was it. Go to the edge of the street and then you. Oh, go to the edge of the street and keep walking. Yeah. Have you stayed in contact with this person at all, Mike?

I have not. And I and I and I feel bad about how the way the way I reacted. Did you learn anything, any lesson from this? I learned that, you know, when you don't know who you are, a pair of hands will tell you. A pair of hands will tell you. That is so poetic. A pair of hands will tell you. Another front runner for Title of Vette. And last and sadly least is a kidding is Norrie Davis. Good friend, old friend.

Buddy Joe, I can't keep up. You are a player, so I can't keep up with where you're at right now with the lady situation. What's happening in your life? Where are you at? Are you wiped up? What's going on? Yes, I am pretty much wiped up. I'm in a seven month relationship with a girl that's in therapy just like me. So I finally crossed over to somebody that's healing.

A matching set. Yes. And never healing, because before that, Joe, all I was doing was dating women that were like my mom. I couldn't like toxic yell at me, isolate me, manipulate me, all that bullshit. People play this shit. She did not get a David and Harry's basket on Sunday, did she? I know.

No, not at all. Yeah, this story is during the talks relationship. This is in my 36, 38, third date within my second ex-fiance, second ex-fiance, not the first one, the second one. We are all the math. We're all doing that math meme right now trying to like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I have a whole board with string connecting

all of your past lovers together. Your second ex-fiance. How many times have you been engaged and fiancéed? Two. Or married? Married zero, engaged two. Marriage, I'm O and two. Engaged, two and O. But married, O and two., but married 0 and 2.

Okay. Yep, yep, yep. I think I understand. But I mean, at least just say- As complicated as your marriage is, yeah, yeah. Did you break up pre-deposit getting it back? Did you, like, was it- Oh, no, no.

I had to, like, pawn that and got like- Those were costly. Those were costly breaks. Yeah, I pawned it and I probably bought some Ninja Turtle toys. Mike knows that life. Got it. Yeah. OK, so you're on your second. You go back to the true love that will never leave you.

There you go. You're on your second date with or your third date with your second ex-fiance. Yes, I am. So we know we sort of this is one of those fun little stories where we know sort of what the ending is, but we're, we sort of, this is one of those fun little stories where we know sort of what the ending is, but we're excited about the journey. How was this date so bad? And yet we know he gets engaged to her at the end.

So this is so exciting. Set the scene. Set the scene. Okay. We are in Brooklyn, third date. I think I have my BMW 2008, 335 XI driving around in Manhattan. And we go to a bar and she likes red wine. She introduced me to red wine.

I never had red wine before. And we didn't eat. You were in your 30s and you had never had red wine before. No, always maybe white, but I was always a liquor guy. Always drinking liquor no matter what. Never had wine, always drinking liquor. Black people shit, bro. So anyway, I'm just like, right, so,

all right, I'll do red wine, but didn't eat. That's the key, didn't eat. So we drinking red wine, drinking it, drinking it, getting tipsy off of it, and then like fucked up, like, all right, let's drive to your crib. And wine drunk is different than liquor drunk. We have to acknowledge. Yes, it is.

It is a different category. Dry as hell, I was just dry, I just felt dry and dehydrated, but also able to drive. But don't drink and drive, kids. Don't drink and drive. I do not endorse that. So here we get. No, math fact, the car was parked. We was in her neighborhood in Brooklyn,

and then we was at the bar, walked over there. Okay, so walking back to her crib, had nothing to eat, but like, you know, we feeling each other, we ready to get it on. So we fuck, it was nice, it was dope. Go to sleep, wake up, and I feel some rumbling in my stomach from the red wine. Uh-oh. Some rumbling, some rumbling.

And then I'm like, okay, this is a fart. I'll let it out. Just a little fart. And boom, diarrhea in her topper. A little diarrhea on her topper. And I clench my butt cheek. Back up, I clench him back up like, ooh. And that is not a thing to do. Clench to it.

No, no, no, that's not it. That's not it. That was a poop. That was a poop. That takes a strong mind-body connection to make happen. Ooh. That wasn't poop. That was a poop. That takes a strong mind-body connection to make happen. Ooh. That wasn't poop. And then I like, yeah, that was definitely poop. So she's sleeping though,

because I did do a good job. The perfect crime in many ways. Yeah. She is knocked out good. So I'm like, all right, I can clean myself up and clean this up while she's sleeping. So I get to the bathroom, I clean myself and I'm like, fuck, it's like a nice little, there's a good size poop stain in her fucking comforter.

On the comforter or on the mattress topper? Mattress topper. That's tough. Did it soak through? I need to look at this. Yes, yes it did. As someone who has IBS and who's shat a few things in her time, I'm gonna need to... As I look into the distance, Nicole, I'm there.

I'm like, yeah, it did soak through. Walk me through it. And I remember, yes, but I remember taking it to the sink and trying to clean it or no. How did you get the mattress topper off without waking her up? She woke up. She woke up. She woke up. Yeah, she woke up. She woke up. Yeah, she woke up. And then she was like, wait, what happened?

What's that smell? Ooh, my heart dropped. You should have blamed it on her at that point. Oh, honestly, you should, yeah. Rookie mode, baby. You already cleaned yourself up, and then you should have just smeared some on her butt and been like, yo, baby, you're so cool.

But it's crazy. Frame her ass. Frame her. Frame her ass, literally. So you guys are telling me turn straight villain. Turn straight villain, take my butt, like take my hand, smear it on her, like you pooped, that was you.

Yeah. Like, that's the heart. that's the reboot of Gaslight. I'll just I'll never be able to listen to Billy Joel again. Like the next time I hear ball of red ball of white, I'm just going to be there shitting. I mean, we do have to have a point of order really quickly. I haven't drank in a long time, but like that was never my experience with red wine. Is this a common wine experience?

People shitting their pants? Damn. I'm sorry to invalidate your experience, Nori, but you don't have to constitute. Come on, you can blame it on the wine all you want. Don't blame it on the Lisa Sphincter, okay? I mean, Nori, I've just been holding into Kevin's shark pun for the past five minutes. So you're not... Good.

I mean, I'm gonna call it out. You're not gonna get the humanity you want I mean, I'm gonna call it- You're not gonna get the humanity you want from me. I wanna tell it a bad situation, so. Yes. Give me all the poop. My story's the only one that should have ended with bodily functions and it's the only one that didn't.

It's true. Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna start the story off like, hey, me and Nicole got something a lot in common. But you know what? I just wanted her to know like, don't worry girl, I got your back on this. My mouth, ear, me and Nicole got something a lot in common. But you know what? I just want her to know, like, don't worry, girl, I got your back on this.

My mouth, ear, butt. Yeah. What? Dream team. So straight to Peacock. Um, so yeah, she wakes up. What's that smell? What the hell?

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. And then she just like, oh my god. I know. I'm sorry. I'm God. And then she just like, Oh my I know I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And then she just starts laughing. She starts laughing like, Oh my God, that's so funny. Like I was like, it was the red wine. It was the red wine. She's like, Oh my God, that's so funny. And then

that's when I knew, yeah, I want to marry this girl. I mean, that is, there is, there is a cleaning technique that has gone viral on TikTok, I think, where you pick up an object and you think to yourself, if this object were covered in shit, would I clean it off or would I just throw it away? And you literally did that test with your ex-fiance. She picked up this man that is covered in shit and she thought to herself, do I clean this up or do I throw it away? And she chose clean it up.

I wasn't covered in shit. Wow. I'm doing asterisks in this podcast. It wasn't no shit. What was your big lesson? What was your big takeaway from this date in particular? Fuck red wine. Fuck red wine is right, baby. Fuck red wine. I know you're going to die on that hill, aren't you?

You're gonna keep blinging red wine forever. All day. Bad dates. You guys have been so fantastic. Thank you so much for joining us. Nicole, where can people find you and what are you doing these days? Nicole, Amy, all social media.

I'm doing comedy around Los Angeles. I'm doing comedy around the country. I'm very excited. I'm going to be going to Alaska this summer. Oh. That is the show I'm looking forward to the most. Not necessarily the show, but I just want to do some outdoor stuff. Totally. So if you're in Alaska, I feel like you probably have a really big listening audience in Alaska.

Come out and see me June 26th. The Palins are huge fans of the pod actually. So you might see them there. We love an in-u-ite group. So come on out. You guys are huge. Mike Lawrence, sir, where can people find you and what are you doing these days

other than raising a literal human being? Yeah, Mike, yeah. He finds farts the funniest. And out of the old fart It's out of the mouth of babes. I say I mean the first jokes were fart jokes in history Yeah, he'll fart and then he'll go far and then just laugh. It's amazing I met Mike Lawrence comedy on Instagram and and yeah, my podcast, Nerd of Mouth.

We talk about different nerd stuff. I just did a whole episode about all of my autism symptoms. Oh, wow. Nice. And it's really fun. Have me on, I wanna talk about like Absolute DC or something like that. Oh, done. Okay, great.

I wanna talk about the fact that my brother has never said I love you to anyone on Earth. That's for better. He's an engineer. Listen to the ads lady. Use code baddates at checkout. Norrie Davis, what are you doing these days and where can people find you? Everything. Norrie Davis, N-O-R-E-D-A-V-I-S on Instagram,

threads, TikTok, my website norridavs.com. I am headlining in August, Austin, Texas, excuse me, May 30th. And I'm headlining in LA June 10th. And it's also you can stream it for 10 bucks. So definitely get your tickets there noridaves.com. So yeah, headlining. I, Dory is one of my favorite live performers. Just Oodles of Charisma and so many funny jokes. So if you have a chance, go and see him. That has been the show. You guys, this has been bad dates.

If you liked what you heard, please go ahead and give us a rating and a review five stars, please. Once again, even if you hated the podcast, give it five stars as many of you have men getting a lot of people say they don't like this and yet they still get five stars, which I ultimately don't care about it. As long as the five stars is there, I will accept the note. Okay. So please rate and review. It helps people find the show and we will be back next Monday with another full episode of Bad Dates. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media created by Robert Cohen.

Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devon Torrey-Brien. Produced by Ann Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky.

Music by Cushi and Eben Schleder. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more Bad Dates.