Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - A Potato You Can Get Behind (w/ Julia Shiplett and Jay Jurden)

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

On a brand new episode of Bad Dates, guest host Marie Faustin welcomes comedians Julia Shiplett and Jay Jurden to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Julia needs some relationship fast food, but her date has a little too much dip on his chip, and Jay tells us about the time a debit card prevented him getting into heaven.If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Marie Faustin: @reeezy on social media, @whyare.yousingle on Insta for ticketsJulia Shiplett: @juliashiplett on social mediaJay Jurden: @jayjurden on social mediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Smart, last, me-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- Seem like you might have a drinking problem. Like. That is true. Cause I'm like, I know it's not me. I'm here. A1. A1. If I'm here and you struggling, babe, let's call somebody. Marie said, I know three men on my block who are just outside that can tell me, it's not you, baby. It's definitely not you. It's never been you, Marie.

It's always been you, Marie. It's always been me. Hi, guys. Hi, friends. Hey. So first of all, my name is Marie Faustin. Welcome to Bad Dates. Yeah, the show where we talk to funny people about terrible times and we feel good about ourselves while we listen, yeah. Today I have two very, very funny people with me.

Actually, let me take one of the verys out because I don't wanna set the bar too high for the episode today. We can't, it's just a double very. You didn't say extremely, you didn't say life changing. Also, there's two of us. Give us each one very. Uh, okay, you gon' share, no, y'all can share one very.

Two very funny people with me today. Uh, Jay Jordan is here, comedian, actor, writer, performed on Falling, Colbert, and wrote on The Problem with Jon Stewart. Okay, booked. Hi, Dan. That was last year. That's more than some people do in a lifetime, you greedy, successful bitch.

And my very good friend, Julia Shiplit is here, a writer, a performer, and freckly hag. Okay, sis, we're twins. Based in New York, appeared on High Maintenance and Crashing. Hey, Julia. Hi, friend. Can we get into this? So I don't know what's happening if Mercury's in retrograde or whatever, but I bumped into

three of my exes last week. Three. Three. Okay. Three, Julia. Three of them. How was this like, were you just like out around the city and you saw them at functions or did you see them like running errands?

One, the first one I was running an errand. I was so close to my house. And you know when you like, when you can see your home in the distance, you know, you let go of all like inhibitions, you free. So I was probably picking my nose. I don't know. It was crazy. So I look, I look over, there was a guy on a bike waiting across,

like parallel to me, and I was like, ooh, who is that? And then I was like, ooh, I know him and he looked great. And so I had to disappear. I had to- Wait, this was the ex? Blend into the wall. This is an ex from last, I met him, Julia, like New Year's last year,

and then we had a thing for like a couple months. So, I had to duck out. The second one, I invited out, because I wanted to see how it'd feel. Okay, bumping is a little, not exactly a bumping. Yeah, well, you know, he could have said no, but he said yes. And then the third one, I could have said no, but he said yes. And then the third one, I was leaving a party and he was outside also having left the party

and he looked amazing. He looked great. I was angry. I was so mad. He looked so good. I think this is, you said two of them looked very good and one of them you invited out. I feel like this is just you bragging about your taste. Yeah, well, I mean, that's one thing.

Yeah, these are kind of all good run-ins. Most of the time you're like, oh, run-in is like, I look like shit, I'm going through something. I did look bad, I looked bad, the first one. Wow, Marie, so you look bad for Marie, so like a seven. Like an eight and a half. I was devastated.

I was like, is this how you all people live? So did you talk to the other two? No. Well, yes. One, I spoke to the other one. I had Julia. I wasn't at my best. You're not going to catch me looking dusty during women's history, mom. Are you friends with any of your exes?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm still friendly with people I used to hook up with. Like, there's no, there's no bad blood. I mean, if there's bad blood is for different reasons, or if someone isn't friendly with me, I give them that. You know what? Have at it. If you want to continue beefing, good for it. Couldn't be me.

You're not friends with any of your exes. No, I mean, I'm cool with them, but friends? No, like I'm not like, hey, what's up? Let's hang out. It's like- Let's get coffee. No. This, can we actually talk about the stereotype

versus the lived truth of that? Because a lot of times people are like, oh, like WLW relationships, like sapphics are all friends with their exes. And I love it when people are like, we ain't friends, we are not friends. I know her. What's WLW relationships like sapphics are all friends with their exes and I love it when people are like, we ain't friends, we are not friends. I know her. What's WLW?

Women loving women. Oh. I will say though, with women I have dated, like I am not, I'm cool with everyone though. Like we are still, we're cordial, we will still occasionally DM. Like there, with men I will never speak or see you again. You are dead to me.

But women, we're it's still there's still support. There's still love even if we're not, we're not really hanging. I have a friend who is still in her ex ex girlfriends family group chat. They broke up six years ago. That's bad. That's really really bad. She's still in the group chat. They broke up six years ago. That's bad. That's really, really bad. She's still in the group chat. I don't even understand. Two girlfriend, two, maybe three girlfriends ago, the family, the mom, the dad, the brother,

the sister and the ex are in the chat with my friend. That's they just be laughing, sending names to the parents, dropping pictures of the baby. And like, no, I don't think that my friend responds, but she's like, if I leave, they go know that I left. Yeah, you should have been left. They're going to be shocked that you were still there. So now they're just held hostage in this group text.

Damn, that's crazy. Imagine getting pictures of your ex's cousins? Me? No. No. Because what if the cousin's hot? Julia, you got some bad date stories for us too, yes? I do. I do. This was this winter.

This is like post breakup with a woman and I was just like, I'm horny. I want someone simple, dumb, easy. I want a man. A man. Okay. I want a man. Yes, yes, yes. Hold on. Do a lot of lesbians do that? Because you're not the first that I've heard.

I don't identify as a lesbian. Well, do a lot of the women who date both women and men do this? Yeah, 100%. Wait a second. Marie's like, wait a second. Are y'all just using these poor, sweet, dumb men? No, I love it. I choose. If that's dumb men? No, I love it. I choose.

If that's what we're doing, I choose identify as a lesbian. I mean, it feels like a cheat day. It's like I've been eating salad. I have been growing and nourishing my body and my mind for a long time. And now I want some greasy fries. I will regret. Let's pig out.

It's bad for me. It's gonna make me gain weight. What kind of fry was this man? What kind of fry? Okay, here are the options. Crinkle cut, shoestring, was he bisexual? So was he a curly fry? Was it a waffle fry?

Was it a waffle, so was he Christian? Christian is waffle? Yes. I think waffle is the best, to be honest. Ooh, okay. Yeah, so I don't think Christian is waffle. Was he a steak fry? Was he? Actually, I think he he was a steak fry covered in tattoos. Let's say that a steak fry covered in tattoos.

Yeah, which is not my favorite type of fry. A steak fry. I'm listening. I like it. Jay, I do think you would have liked this kind of this carb. This was a potato I think you could get behind. But ultimately... Not the most... She said a potato I could get behind. Jay's like, I gotta order something really quick.

Went on a little hinge date for some, I was just like something fun, something easy in the neighborhood, whatever. In the neighborhood. And like in the neighborhood, the banter was cute on the phone and I was like, okay, feeling good. But here's the thing, I'm coming off of women. I'm coming off of women and it's just, I mean, I wanna go back. I actually feel like, again, regressing a little bit, so we gotta get back on track. But I was not used to someone who was just so forward from the jump and that's okay.

Like forward can be good, but immediately like goes for the hug, kiss on the cheek, hand on the hip. Whoa. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is so, did you screen him before you went out with him? You guys got on the phone? No, I've never done that in my life. Oh yeah. Me neither. I just want you. He sat, it said on the phone. He said the banter was good. You mean text, text, text, messaging. Wait a second.

When you say hand on the hip, okay. I get this. Oh, hey, nice to finally meet in person. So excited for the date. Hug, kiss on the cheek, little bold, but okay. Hand on the hip. We talking- Hand on the hip.

Lower back or he's like touching hip, a little booty. At that point. Like close to the booty, close to the booty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. He said, let me test the merchandise before I put my car down. Quick test drive.

Conversation was good. He was, he's gregarious. He asked questions, which I like. Well, that's a lovely name. Gregarious. Hello, I'm gregarious. So he's Greek is what you're saying? Yeah.

Yeah. Yes, he was a Greek God. Gregarious, Yakatoupas. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, he was a Greek god. Big Aries, Iacatupus. Of the New York Knicks. But he, we just, you know, we was getting a little flirty, the conversation, but he goes and starts making out with me at the bar, fully kissing me. And that's just like- After how many, After how many drinks?

One and a half. Okay. It's been like 80 minutes. Jay is not mad at any of this. Good kiss, bad kiss? A decent kiss, but a strong kiss, like a make out kiss. Like it wasn't like, I think you, a first kiss is like, we're in a public space.

Yeah, a first kiss is like light, like test the waters, you pull back. He's doing tongue immediately. He had the back of your head like this? Not yet. Not yet. But even the bouncer clocked this kiss and was sort of like, he kind of looked at me like,

and I was like, it's okay. But it was a little bit, like it was just too strong. And I was like, oh, I don't really do that like that in public. And he was like, oh, okay. And acting like I was kind of being like, prude and not fun. And I was like, all right.

He was like, okay, virgin, what you drinking? A Shirley Temple? Yes. That's corny. And then he like pulled his pants back up. Yeah, he's a little too much. A little little too much too much dip on your chip playboy Yeah, I think so, but I was also like, you know, I had a little buzz going also horny I was also horny so sort of like let's see what happens next

He was telling me about his puppy and he was like I need to walk my dog soon and I live in the neighborhood You want to walk this dog? Oh, no. I know and this is what I should have said, no, I should not, you walk that dog. And I was like, yeah, I'll walk a dog. I love dogs, I'll meet up cute puppy. Okay and the people wanna know visually, like, you know, what kind of dog was it? Yeah.

It was a very cute, like, pit bull mix. Okay. Okay. It was really cute. This is that I'm sad that he used such a cute animal for such nefarious, like, plants. That was actually the dog's name, Nefarious. Nefarious?

Nefarious and Gregarius? Yeah. Gregarius walks Nefarious. But we end up, he calls a car and it's like, oh, it's kind of cold out. So I was like, I thought you were in the neighborhood and he was like, oh, it's close, but it's cold. So he calls a car. We're in this car and I'm like, I'm in a car with this man that I don't know now, but we get to his apartment. It's like a, it's a gorgeous apartment.

It's almost too nice where I'm like, where are the bodies? It's like, it's also designed to perfection. Like this dog is so cute though. And he goes, okay, let me just walk the dog really quick. And I'll be back in like five minutes. And I was like, wait, what? You're supposed to walk the dog with him. We walking the dog.

I guess that wasn't really the plan. This isn't the first time he's done this. This is a plan. This not even the dog. I guess that wasn't really the plan. This isn't the first time he's done this. This is a plan. This not even his dog. This not even his apartment. It's not even his dog. He broke into my apartment. That was my apartment.

Julia, that was my dog. That's my ex. So he comes back, the dog is back, and then he's just immediately like picking me up, putting me on the counter. And I'm like, I am not used to this vibe. And I was like, okay, this is a lot. Can we like chill for a minute?

And we did. And then, you know, then we didn't. And thing was it nice. I mean, there were moments I was having fun, but I was kind of just like, you know what? This is the ride tonight, let's go. But there was a point where this man is, you know, he's downtown. The dog is in the other room jumping on the counter.

And instead of getting up to handle the dog, he just starts screaming at the dog, in my cavernous vagina. He's just like, Murphy, down. Murphy, Murphy, get down from there. Murphy, get down. And I was like, sir, you can handle that. Like get up, go do what you need to do.

You said the cavern of your vagina? That's the name of the episode, babe. Thank you. Oh my Lord. I'm just screaming, screaming at me. But I was like, this is a lot. And then, you know, whatever goes down, yada, yada, yada. And then I leave after I left his place.

I took a car home and he was like, text me when you get back. And I did. And I'm like, I'm home. And he said, good girl. And I was like, after the dog incident, do not call me good girl. Do not call me good girl. He sends me a voice memo the next day that says, hey Julia, just want to check in

since it's been a full day later and see how you're feeling after hopping back on the pole. Girl. Hopping back on the pole. Did you go pole, question mark? I said, I said. Hopping back on the pole? I said, you are coming in very hot, sir.

And I don't know how I feel about all this. And then he immediately was like, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I don't really know you like that. I shouldn't have said that, da da da. I was like, you don't, I'm kidding. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I don't really know you like that. I shouldn't have said that. I was like, you don't, you don't. And I am actually kind of figuring out how I feel about hopping back on the pole. You're pole and specific. I think hopping back on the pole is a wild way to say, how are

you doing? Right? It's been a full day since you hop back on the pole. One day since accidents on this work site sort of ended. Yeah. Yeah. Bad dates. Bad dates. Bad dates. Bad dates.

Bad dates. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground,

and I heard somebody say, call 911. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they'd look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels... There are murders in all of the books.

...that she was playing them out in real life? Follow Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Peyton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated.

And correct. You're such a Leo. All the time. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions, if you're a hater first, and a lover of pop culture second, then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix,

the host of Wondry's newest podcast, Let Me Say This. As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess, we are scouring the depths of the internet so you don't have to. We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news. Like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when.

You are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides, don't you worry. The deep cuts, the niche, the obscure. Like that one photo of Nicole Kidman after she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise. Mother, a mother to many. Follow, let me say this on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd or you can listen ad free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcasts. Jay, you have a story for us. Let's talk about your bad day. Okay. Well, I have my first bad day. This is like chronologically, one of the worst bad dates I went on is and y'all don't be too shocked. It was a date with a woman. It was a date with the woman. When was what year was this? 1999? This was back in the day.

I mean, I mean, technically. So it was back in the day and it was back when I had my first job. This is like early date. I mean, I was in high school at this point. You know when you first get a debit card in high school and you're like, okay, I'm about to stunt. I took this girl. Oh, you had a debit card.

Hold on, you had a debit card in high school? Okay, rich. Yes, okay. Okay, so we're Applebee's cause you know I'm trying to show out. Two for 20 card gets declined on the first date. Card gets declined multiple times. Well, how much was the how much was the any tizers babe?

Here's the thing. First of all, it was because at that point in time if you didn't activate your debit card at the bank, they weren't letting you use it. And I was like, no, I promise. I know there's more than $30 in my account. I'm getting embarrassed. And so I'm like, oh, and suddenly the girl was like, I'll pay. And I was like, oh, I got to day dos now.

I can't do this. I can't do this. Your card got declined so hard that you went, you turned gay. That's what it did. That's what happens. Yeah. The banking system turned me into a queer person. Let's talk about it. Let's unpack that Bank of America. Capitalism stopped me from getting into heaven. And you know what? Good.

But you know what, Jay? There's more ATMs in hell, so you good. Well, 100%. I think there's Cash App in hell. There's Zell. What, Zell? Zell in hell, yeah. So that was like my first really bad date. The other bad date that really sticks out,

I had a horrible bad date in college. It was like close to the end of my college career. I was like dating guys now too, And this is like my first serious boyfriend. And we went out to dinner. He was my ex at this point. But he agreed. He was like, oh, we should go out one last time. And he said he was paying. And as you could tell from my track record, when someone says that, I'm like, oh,

let's go. You know what? So you bought you bought you bought no money. You left your wallet, your your Velcro wallet in the dorm. Big entrees. Get them all. but you bought no money. You left your wallet, your Velcro wallet in the dorm. Big entrees, get them all. You know, so we go out and he's like, he is like treating me really nice. He's being a wonderful ex-boyfriend.

And so then I'm like, oh, this was nice. I'm glad that we can still do this. I'm gonna go home. He drives me home, drives me to my apartment complex, drops me off. I go look at that We did it. Oh my who says it can't be done Bow I'm out then I get like a bunch of text messages a bunch of phone calls He's like I want to come up on I want to come up want to come up like nice

I we're not doing that where X is I want to come up want to come up no Sneaks into my apartment complex when the gate is opening for someone else to exit. Then just like, yes, like shows up at my apartment. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, knocking. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. He broke into my apartment, broke into my apartment. So he went, he was banging on the door. He broke the door down or he came up the fire escape.

No, no, no. He broke the door down. No, Jay, this is, is the door down. No, Jay. This is is this Jennifer Lopez in enough? Like what? No, but like, here's the crazy part. I was like, why the fuck would you do all of this if we just had such a good time? We literally had just had a great time. It's done. Look at that. It was beautiful.

And now you want to do this. Broke down my apartment, broke down the door to my apartment. First of all, I wouldn't live by myself. I had two roommates who were out of town because I was in. It was like December, you know, when everyone leaves. Yes, I was like, why would you do this? And because he's crazy, he was like, I just want to say good night. I was like, see, this is oh, my God.

He could have sent you a text. Like, maybe. He sent plenty of them. He sent plenty of them. And then what's wild is that like, at that point, I'm also seeing my husband, the person who's my husband now. And so he hears about all this and he's like,

do I need to call the police? I was like, I mean, we kind of need to. And so then the hardest part is that telling the police, listen, he's crazy. But also, I don't want to deal with him anymore. So like pressing charges is like a whole that's like a lengthy thing that you have to play out. You have to see that person all the damn time.

You had to press charges. No. Oh, you said I don't want to do the paperwork. Let's just get a new door. And that keeps him in your life. Yes, exactly. And so like that was arguably the worst day I've ever been on. But the wine was wonderful. You know what? No one has ever committed a B&E for me, though.

So that's actually low key kind of romantic. And you know what's shocking for me? Actually, I'm going to be real vulnerable. What you guys right now is one of actually I'm gonna be real vulnerable what you guys right now is one of my goals is to be engaged at least three or four times and the fact that I've never been engaged is devastating to me. I mean Marie you know what you need to do and only a certain group of people can laugh at this.

You need to find a Nigerian man who already has a wife and he will ask if he can marry you. Jay, that's not the one that I want. But you know what? That's a good story. Cause when people are like, where's Ekenna? And I'll be like, oh, you know, I'm with Justin now. So what happened? Girl, don't you know he had a whole wife and a family?

He had a whole family back home. And then people like, that's crazy. And then you see me in a couple more months. And then it's like, girl, I'm engaged to Brian. I think multiple engagements does suit you. Thank you. I see that for you. Not only do I see it for you, I think men need to step up.

That's what this podcast is about. Men, what do you bringing to the table? You're Marie. Where is my ring, babe? Yes, yes. Jay, wait, Jay, when the door comes down or off the hinges, what do you do? Just kind of off to the side.

Right, because, what do you do? Well, you do scream. What I did was scream and I was very mad. And first of all, he was definitely drunk and definitely on pills. So there are a number of factors at play here. Also, Julia, something I haven't told you about this man is he wasn't a frat. And when I say drunk and on pills, you kind of go, so same, same. Track, tracks track.

Yeah, but a man that can break a door down, sound like he had a good body. Like, the shoulders was shouldering. I'm not gonna date an ugly, crazy person. Like that's not, what am I doing at that point? Yeah, what's wrong? What's the matter with you? I don't think I could sleep soundly

if I know my front door is broken and people know that it's broken. Well, also, like, just think about this. I had to deal with that, and then I'm also having to be like, oh shit, like, all my shit could get stolen. All your CDs in the case, bitch? All your DVDs, your Blu-rays? This was late enough that I think now this might have been blue ray... no. Your blu-rays?

Bad Dates Peyton it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. I mean it's hard work being this opinionated. And correct. You're such a Leo. All time. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions, if you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second, then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix, the host

of Wondry's newest podcast, Let Me Say This. As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess, we are scouring the depths of the internet so you don't have to. We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and Celebrity news like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done But when you are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides Don't you worry the deep cuts the niche the obscure like that one photo of Nicole Kidman after she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise Mother a mother to many

Follow let me say this on the wonder Eery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd or you can listen ad free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcast. Hey y'all, it's your girl Kiki Palmer, your favorite quadruple threat, actor, singer, dancer, and my new role, podcaster. My podcast, Baby This Is Kiki Palmer, is blowin' up, y'all, cause every episode I bring on an icon. Like when John Stamos and I talked about internet trolls

hating on Disney adults, or when Jordan Peele explained why we love scary movies, even though the world is already creepy as fuck. Tune in to learn a little and laugh a lot, cause your girl keeps it real. Listen on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts.

We got some listener stories that I just want to go through with you guys. I'm down. Okay, let's get ready. You know what, Marie? Good girl. Stop! Oh my God. Jayce, stop it. I am at work. It's working a little bit. It's okay. All right. Let's go.

I'm going to read the first line and you tell me which one you want to hear. Okay? Story number one. I'm going to call this experience the singing python or the end of this date looked like something out of a horror movie. Wow. Wow. Singing Python?

Singing Python's got me hooked a little bit. Okay. That's because you nasty, Jay. That's nice. As a horror movie, I don't, we don't need to get into like, like scary, scary shit. I would much rather hear about a singing python. Okay. He loves a dick and a musical. into like, like scary, scary shit. I would much rather hear about a singing python. He loves a dick and a musical.

So. Well, I'm kind of redundant. Famously gay at that point. OK, let me read this damn story so we can we can leave. I'm going to call this experience the singing python. It was my sophomore year in college and I was still a virgin. There was this hot guy on the soccer team that everyone thought was so cute. I bumped into him at a party and he gave me his Snapchat. I figured after a few nice dates maybe I could do the deed with him once I got to know him

better. Okay. One night he texted me and asked if I wanted to watch a movie at his place. All of a sudden I felt the worst, most awful sensation in my gut and sprinted to my bathroom. I sat on the toilet and had the most vile, explosive diarrhea of my entire life. Okay, this is a horror movie.

Which is saying a lot because I have IBS. I only had 30... Queen. Right, I only had 30 minutes to get ready and leave and was drenched in sweat from my toilet issues and panic that I would have to shit at his house. I took a quick but deep cleanse in the shower. Okay, phew.

Changed my outfit and, well, cause what? Don't show up to the date with a residual butt stuff. You gotta hose yourself down. Yeah, with IBS crumbs on your ass, like not in the calvings. IBS crumbs. Okay, so.

Why did you feel the need to keep that part of the story in? I love her. Yeah. I changed my outfit and dashed out the door. I enter his house and move to sit on the couch, but he said the TV in his room upstairs had more signal. Okay. Signal? You got bunny ears? Yeah. I mean, we're on Snapchat, but your TV doesn't have signal. I walked into his room and he patted the bed next to him. I was like, I'll just kiss him.

As we were making out, I felt his boner stabbed meatted the bed next to him. I was like, I'll just kiss him. As we were making out, I felt his boner stab me in the stomach and recoiled in fear because I didn't want anything poking my delicate tummy issues. Cut to, I'm giving him a blowjob and he screeches. Whoa, okay. She said, I don't want to touch nothing.

I'm a virgin, I don't usually do this. That is why yum yum yum. I'm a virgin, I don't usually do this. Wah wah wah. That is why this person said, I'm a virgin, but I've sucked tons of dicks. I don't get it twisted. That's not in the notes. I don't know if they have or they haven't, but they suck in this dick, okay?

They suck in this dick. Um, given a blowjob and he screeches and strips fully naked and starts checking himself out in the mirror. He stood up at, what? He stood up and was like, okay, let's do this. I was like, do you mean sex? My friends had all warned me that the first time is extremely painful. So as he went to put it in, I took a huge deep breath and released it as he slid it in. Okay. Wow. Nancy Myers. I shockingly did not feel any discomfort and was ready to enjoy my first time.

He did five or six strokes that arched his back like a cat. Oh my God. And groaned. It looked like he was in severe pain and he rolled onto his back. I jumped up and grabbed his hand, terrified that he had broken his penis or something horrible.

Instead he said, it's all done, in a James Bond voice. What the? He laid back in the bed and said, whoa, that's so lit. I pretended to turn to put on my skirt, but had to bite the pillow to stop from crying tears of laughter. I pulled on my skirt and suddenly I felt his whole naked body cocooned around my clothed body

like a python constricting a sheep, okay? He said I could lay here with you forever. And then he started singing the national anthem at top volume. National anthem? Oh, say can you see? No. It felt like an out of body experience as he concluded his dramatic rendition and started

begging me to play Guess the Tune while he sang. I played along while he hummed the ABCs, The Hips Don't Lie, among other ballads. It was honestly kind of endearing to see him be his true self, but also was so, so, so cringe. Needless to say, I haven't seen him since. Wow. It sounds like she took his virginity. It does feel like she took his virginity.

Also, the IBS was a red herring cause it did not come up at all later. I kept thinking poop on him. Yeah. It's been done is a wild thing to say because you have to actually do something. That's what an assassin says. Yeah.

That's a hit job. Yeah. Or someone who like their only goal is to like deliver something and like they face all these obstacles and they get shot and then they but they fall and they deliver the thing. Like, that's what that is. You didn't earn it's been done, sir. You know, he earned a, oh, my bad. Also, did he she went she blew him. Did he?

I know it didn't sound like there was any foreplay for her. No, no, no, no, no. The foreplay was the IBS, babe. No! Bad dates. Let's talk about what you're doing, where people can find you, you know, why you can afford so many mudslides. Oh. know why you can afford so many mudslides. You can find me everywhere on the Internet, just at jjurdynj, Y-J-U-R-D-E-N. I'm currently on tour.

Yes. Which seems like I've been on tour forever, but I'll come to your city if you want me to. I planned a lot of dates out already, so I will come to the cities that I've already said yes to. And he's going to sing the national anthem in every single one of those cities. I absolutely will.

And then I will say, it's been done. It's been, it's done. It's done. Julia, where can people find you? What do you have going on? Here's the place to share that. You can find me everywhere online at Julia Shiplett. And as always, you can find me at Reezy on Instagram,

R-E-E-E-Z-Y. And you can catch my live show, Why Are You Single, whenever on Miniatur City. And I'll see you next week here on Bad Dates. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced by Anne Harris and Devin Torrey Bryant.

Engineered and edited by Devin Torrey Bryant and Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Sean Hayes, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Sean Hayes, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Sparlis Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushy and Eben Schledder. If you've had a bad day, please share it with us

at 984-265-3283, or write us at baddatespod at gmail.com. We would love to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We'll be back next week for more. Bad Dates. Smart. Less.

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