Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - A Strong Haunch (w/ Mike Glazer, Vanessa Gonzalez, and Joe Castle Baker)

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

On a brand new episode of Bad Dates, guest host Marie Faustin welcomes comedians Mike Glazer, Vanessa Gonzalez, and Joe Castle Baker to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Mike’s rendezvous makes his mind puke, Vanessa is trapped in a tryst with Captain Adjective, and Mike’s date calls everything into question.If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Marie Faustin: @reeezy on social media, @whyare.yousingle on Insta for ticketsMike Glazer: @glazerboohoohooVanessa Gonzalez: vanessacomedy.com, @vanessagcomedy on socialsJoe Castle Baker: @joecastlebaker on socials, Finally podcastSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I just was on tour and I went to, I did morning TV in Portland and on it I was like, yeah, I'm on tour, but I'm in love. And I hadn't told her I was in love with her yet. And I told live TV in Portland all about it, man. I just mess up a lot. I'm a mess load. Did she watch the episode? Did you send her the link? I didn't want to come at it like that.

You know what I mean? That's not romantic to be like, yo, watch this link three minutes in. I don't think that's the move. Yo, watch this link. Back dates. Yo, watch this link. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Well, well, well, if it isn't a brand new episode of Bad Dates with me, Marie Faustin, I am a single by choice person. But you know, when I say single, I mean like single in quotes, because I'm dating somebody who I think thinks he's my boyfriend.

So shout out to him. This is Bad Dates, the podcast where I talk to funny people about bad days that they've been on. And it's a safe space to really be as open as possible and share your truth. So the voices that you hear in the background are people. So let's introduce them. First, we have Mike Glazer, an actor, a comic, a writer who's appeared on Comedy Central

and just performed in the Netflix is a Joke festival. Hi, Mike, busy. Uh-huh, I'm so excited too. Shout out to Acts of Service. Shout out to, what's the one where people tell you they're proud of you and you like talk a lot? Like the communication one? Words of affirmation.

Words of affirmation. Yo, give me that all day, absolutely. Okay, great. Mike is setting a trend. Everyone, when I introduce you, please share your love language. Next we have Vanessa Gonzalez, writer, actress, comic, performed on Netflix's Verified Stand-Up, and Jimmy Kimmel. Hi, Vanessa.

Yeah. Hello, hello. My love language is definitely like chicken nuggets and also being fed, being pampered, a foot rub. Love a foot rub. being a pamper, a foot rub, love a foot rub. Now, I love that. I love, I think they call that self-care when someone takes care of you, right? Yeah, yeah. Let's introduce our final guest. It's Joe Castlebaker, writer and actor

from Search Party and Fallout. Hi, Joe. Hi, guys. Thanks so much for having me, Marie. And your love language is? It's touch, but I'm saying that a lot of gay guys say touch, and what they're saying is they have to have sex five times a day. Five times?

Five times a day. I only have to have sex maybe two, three times a day. So, I like other kinds of touch as well. I'm not really sure about the love languages, how they work. I need to read up on them. Because sometimes when they speak to me in Spanish, the Spanish language is a love language. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't matter what they're saying in Spanish

or just the fact that they're speaking Spanish? Yeah, I mean, they could really be saying anything. I like to be saying to in Spanish too. Oh, Vanessa, you're all freaky. Okay, chicken nuggets and Spanish singing? Wow. Is that too much? I mean, I'm not having sex two times a day. But I'm just like...

I'm not either for the record. For the record, I'm not either. This is a goal. It's a goal. Okay. Como se dice chicken nuggets in Spanish? Oh, pollo nuggets. See, this is... Ooh, I'm getting hard. I am rock hard, Vanessa.

Oh my God. Yeah, that was really hot. See, I don't do the talking. They do it to me. Everybody's wet right now. I love this. Hello, I'm Emily. And I'm Anna. And we're the hosts of Terribly Famous, the show that takes you inside the

lives of our biggest celebrities. And just a warning, our latest season will feature a lot of accents. Can I just check what accents? I can't tell this story without going all in. Okay, I'm scared to ask, but can you give us a clue? Why I, man? Oh, aunt and or death? I'm afraid not, and it's not Alan Shearer

either. I am talking about a young woman plucked from obscurity who rose to become the Neershin's sweetheart. A woman who's had a lot of surnames and has ditched them all to become just Cheryl. Love it. Girls Aloud fans strap in we're gonna follow Cheryl from her Girl Band Glory Days, Getting Together with Ashley Cole and the many scandals and humiliations that followed. Not to mention a near death experience. Oh, she's been through a lot. And she has needed every ounce of her Northern grit to see her through. I promise you it's going to be an emotional roller coaster.

Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus on Apple podcasts or the Wondery app. Alice and Matt here from British Scandal. Matt, if we had a bingo card, what would be on there? Oh, compelling storytelling, egotistical white men and dubious humour. If that sounds like your cup of tea, you will love our podcast, British Scandal, the show where every week we bring you stories from this green and not always so pleasant land. We've looked at spies, politicians, media magnates, a king, no one is safe. And knowing our country, we won't be out of a job anytime soon. Follow British Scandal wherever you listen to your podcasts.

Okay, well, Mike, we might as well just get right into your story because I want to hear how you're coming up next Mike's story. Yeah. So talk to us about your bad day. Okay. First and foremost, I'm going to shout out my girlfriend, Tina, just as like a quick preamble apology for what what I'm about to share. Because it's about is Tina going to listen to the episode? Oh, yeah, she's very supportive, even when I'd rather she wasn't.

You know what I mean? Like, it's like too much. Hey, girl, if you want to wasn't, you know what I mean? Like. It's like too much. Hey Tina girl, if you wanna fast forward, you can. But we're listening. So I've had a lot of one night stands in my life. So I love it. I think it used to be the most fun thing in the world, but not when you're in love, hello Tina.

So it's like, and I'll never forget, it was when I knew I needed to make a change in my one night stand routine, because usually it's like no consequence, one of us dips out in the morning, it's all good, we don't need to exchange phone numbers, it is what it is. But on this specific night, I was pretty drunk. I'm at Bar Lubech one night drinking dirty martinis.

I saw a woman across the floor. It was a sweaty night. It was a dancing sweaty night at Bar Lubech. There's like drinks flowing, everyone's dry humping. And she's a CrossFit model. She's got a thick thigh, she's got a strong haunch. Are you talking about Seabiscuit? Like what?

I know. And like to be a CrossFit model, do you have to do CrossFit or can you just be the model? Can you just say you are that, right? Yeah. Right. Cause technically I too am a CrossFit model. Yeah, you are. Right. That's right.

Wait, you got a strong haunch? Is a haunch the side of the butt? Like, what is, what part of the meat? Yeah, what is that part of the body? Is it the thigh? Like, I'm not a, I'm not like a, I'm not a foot dude, but I love a haunch. Like, I'm like, that's the part of the leg I like the most. A haunch is a foot?

What part of the body is the haunch? No, I'm saying like- We need a graphic. Yeah, like, almost like a woman was a piece of meat. Where would be the end of, you know? Have you ever seen those like diagrams of like a cow and it's like, this is the gender loin. This is the, yeah, well I need that for the woman's leg.

Is it like the cankle area? Are we talking haunch there? Higher, much higher. Is it like where the thigh meets the butt? Like that? Yeah. That little like limbo zone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. The gam, is that a gam? A gam? Is that what people call their grandmas? Is it like? Gammy? Like? Is it a yam or gam?

I don't know. I think gam is right too. Oh man, you like, do you talk dirty like you're in the 1920s, Vanessa? Yes. I do. Okay, wait, wait, wait. So the CrossFit model is you guys are walking in toward each other slow motion and everyone's dancing fast.

You feel like you're in a dentine ice commercial. What happens? 100%. There's peppermint dust coming out of our mouths as we meet in the middle. I like a strong, sturdy, sexy woman. I like muscles a bit, and she had the, I don't know what the neck muscles are,

but she had the muscles up here. Traps? The traps! Yeah, that'd be fun. Yo, and I was hooked. I love that that's what they were called. That's awesome because I was like... Because you were trapped.

I was trapped. They trapped you. Yeah. Because like, we'll get to the sex part later, but you know, like to me it's really... Yeah, we will. You know how you can like hit it from behind and you can hold a trap? Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.

It's fun. Like a go-kart, kind of. Yes, like a bicycle handle? Yeah know what I'm saying? It's fun. Like a go-kart, kind of. Yes, like a bicycle handle? The handlebars. Yes, the handlebars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. So you can just kind of hold the handlebars.

And it's so fun. So anyway, so we're on the dance floor. We're dancing. We're barely even saying, we're not even saying much because the energy is right. I get us some shots of ice cold vodka, knock them back, suck a lemon, get back out there. It's a party all night long.

We're sweaty, our foreheads are touching, that third eye is just like mixing in the middle. It's very hot. Oh wow, this is hot my damn. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah, I know. The third eye. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah, I know. The third eye in front of people, wow. Yeah.

Third eyes are touching. Third eyes are touching, the energy is there, our bubbles are mixing, and we go back to her place, and we're making out, she rolls a blunt, we're smoking, we're hanging, and it's all going really good, and this is where that turn hits, because I start taking off her shirt and my shirt,

and I run my hands down her body, and she has a six pack, because she's a cross fitter, and she has those little lines down the sides, you know what I'm talking about, real hot? But the V, and I'm all about the V. But because her skin is so thin and she's in such good shape, her belly button is out.

And she has a straight up outy belly button, like a pregnant woman who's not pregnant. And I felt it before I knew it, because we're in the dark, and I go whoop, and I had to run my hand over a speed bump, and I immediately got so grossed out, and I could not handle it.

It felt like a little baby carrot in the middle of her body. And I- Wait, that's how, she had an outie like that? It came out. She had an, yo, it was outie out out. It was outie out. Nobody's talking about this, by the way. This is a real thing.

This is what happens when your body fat percentage is too low. Yes, the belly button sticks out. the umbilical cord comes back basically. Wow. When the body fat is that low, you have a little bit of the umbilical cord still there. Yes, really? I've seen this. Don't listen to anything Julie.

I'm like, I need to see a chart of the woman body. And now I don't even know what's what. We have like a haunch over here. We have an outie right here. I think, yeah, once you have a haunch, you have an outie. Yeah, they pair well together. Yeah. Yeah, it was. So you're grossed out.

But you're like, are you making out with her while you're rubbing her body and you go bleh in her mouth? No, you don't do that. No. He did. My brain did. Yeah. My mind puked for sure. And so I felt it and I was like, oh no. But also, again, I'm a people pleaser. It goes back to being like, we're in it, we're here, everything was good except this. Who am I to judge somebody else even though I'm hardly, Like it goes back to being like we're in it, we're here. poke it in and get the whole body right.

Right. Well, because the aid pack pushed it out. When you have abs, your stomach, you know, the muscles control the body at that point, I think. Let me tell you, my belly button goes very in. It's the opposite. I'm like, I'm having a hard time picturing because mine is very deep. Oh, yeah. That's I mean, it's how deep is it? I don't want to I don't want to brag. Sorry. It's not my turn, but I have a deep belly button.

Wow. Wait, I need to hear what happens. Like, yeah, yeah. The clothes come off. First of all. Wait, hold on. Did you get out of Mike? Let's talk about what your body's given. Do you have abs? No, well, no, but I don't like how you asked me that also.

The listeners want to know what your body looks like. Okay, so no abs. No abs, but when I sit down for too long, if I'm wearing a belt, I do get a little rash on the underside of my belly, because it's resting on top of the jeans. Because I got that dad bod that used to be popular and I embraced it then, and it's fallen off as a trend since then, you know?

Okay, okay, so you got like a Leonardo DiCaprio body, great, got it. Yeah, yeah, I got the bloat. I got the coke bloat without the snorting part for sure. Yeah. She's got lamps. You know what I mean? So there's like silhouettes, which also I'm so glad I didn't see a silhouette of her. That would have been so crazy to see. So crazy. You see like, oh man, you can picture that shadow.

I don't need to get more into it. It's and then I'm whatever, all three inches of me. So it's like, you know, it's just a lot. That big, wow, huge. Oh yeah, massive. Okay, so silhouette. So silhouettes. Are we having sex? What happens?

Cut two, cut two. We're having sex. She's on top because she is a CrossFit model. She does have that testosterone. She is like, I want to like dominate this whole thing. And I'm again, I'm into that choke me out till I can see like a little bit of light leaving my body. You know what I mean?

I'm all about it. So our legs are like wrapped up like UFC fighters. It's very fun. But because like we're going at it and we're going hard and it's that, we're just bringing Bar Ljubic into the bedroom, but her Audi keeps grazing my innie because we're rocking through it so much. So I keep feeling this reverberation go up my gut of her Audi just flicking my innie

over and over and over. So you're in her and she's in you. Yes, I was about to say. Yes. They're locked in. Very kind of like yin and yang, kind of like in and out, like beautiful in a way. The circle of life.

That's beautiful. Yeah, exactly. Oh, thank you for saying that's beautiful, Vanessa, because it was not. I think it can be. It could be, it could be. Maybe if we got to know each other better. But yeah.

So instead, there was one moment where we got in real tight and it was aggressive and it was very fun, but at the same time, her Audi was straight up in my innie for like, even if it was three seconds, that's too long. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that's too long for an Audi to be in an innie. Yeah, belly buttons are sensitive. Like were you like giggling?

Was it ticklish? Like did you, like did you, did it make you come faster? Like let's talk about it. To answer the question. Yeah, I'm trying. No, I did not giggle. I did get grossed out.

I did not enjoy that moment at all. I was like, what am I doing here? I need to make a change in my life because this is not okay. This next part, it is not true, but I wish it had happened. I wish when she sat up from getting out of my any belly button that it had popped like a champagne cork and gone like, because that would have been the best moment of my life. Yes.

Yeah. Why not change positions? Oh, hey. Okay. Okay. I'm with it. I see. You were the one saying from the back. I know. Okay. I'm with it. I see. You were the one saying from the back, the handlebars.

I know. Right. The handlebars. You didn't even grab the traps. I didn't even grab them traps. I, this whole thing is a mess. You know what? I'm going to call her.

You're right. Now, because you bought out AirPods, how would you compare the length of her Audi to an AirPod? Oh, great question. Oh, I have AirPods. Okay, let's say the stem, let's say stem, stem no pot. Know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. That's significant. That's significant. Some people might be into that. So if you're listening, I don't know. Listen, there's... They're out there. If you have a kink, someone else somewhere in the world also has that kink.

You might not ever meet them, but yeah, you know, some people like banging trees. So... That's right. And some trees love that too. Love it. Love it. I don't want to be friends with any of these people. Like, that's crazy, don't you think?

I don't even know what I would call that, but thank you for sharing that with us. That was, ooh, so brave. Fat Gate! I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peter Frankenpun. And in our podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we're going to be exploring the life of Margaret Thatcher.

The first female leader of Britain. Her 11-year premiership completely overhauled British society. The political legacy of Thatcherism is both pervasive, but also controversial. So who was the woman behind the policies? Wow, what a titan of modern British history, Peter. It's kind of intimidating, actually. We spent days, days recording this one. And to just to cut it down, there is so much that happens

over the course of Margaret Thatcher's life that we've had to think really hard about what we can include. And this is of all the characters we've done so far, the one who's had the most personal impact on my conscious, waking, real-time life. I mean, I lived through her, I was born under her, I'm a Thatcher baby. That's going to be set to dance music. So follow Legacy Now from wherever you get your podcasts. Or binge entire seasons early and ad-free on Wondery+.

The early 2000s was a wild time for reality TV. There seemed to be an endless supply of shows that delivered entertainment for us, but trauma for children. I'm Misha Brown, the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each week on The Big Flop, comedians join me to chronicle the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? We recently looked behind the scenes of what was really going on at Abby Lee Miller's dance studio.

Abby's biggest misstep wasn't screaming nonsensical catchphrases or throwing chairs on television, but instead she was choreographing financial fraud in plain sight. Join me to break down all the wild details of Abby Lee Miller's story. Follow The Big Flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Big Flop early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. You know what, Vanessa? I think maybe it's time for you to be brave now. What?

Oh, what is your bad date? Great story, I'm sure. Well, you know, for me, I was I was a late bloomer. I've only seen four dicks in my life, just four. You've only seen four total? In person. And that was all at once, right? Right.

No. Once or before? I did sign up for the FastPass of the dicks. No, it was individually. And I've seen others on TV, on my TV, on my computer, on the train. Sure. Right. I was like, okay, I need to see more dicks.

Like, you know, I need to have my slut era. So I started going out on dates and I was like, I don't even want a boyfriend at this point. Like, let's just fuck, you know? And surprisingly, guys are like, yeah, that's all we wanna do too. So... Wow, who would have thought?

Who would have thought that? I know, I know. I was shocked. I was like, oh damn, I think it was just like a mental block where I was like, I can't get out there. And then it's like, no bitch, you can. Yeah, the dicks are outside.

They're all outside. They're all out there. I'm like, someone needs to see how deep this belly button is that sets me. So I started going on like dates and I met this one guy on, I think it was OK Cupid, one of the free ones. And we like meet up and we start hooking up on the first date and he was like super into my body, like so into it where I was like a little like red flag, you know, because it's like, I'm like, okay, like calm down. It's that.

But like, I mean, don't you want somebody who's super into your body? Yeah, I guess, but I was just like not, you know, it feels like, you know when you're doing- Was it like that Jordan Peele meme where he's sweating profusely and it's just like pouring down his body? Yeah, he was just like that. It's like, you know when you're telling jokes on stage

and you're like, it's not that funny, y'all. Yeah, yes. And they're like, you know what I mean? And they're just- It was kind of like that. It's like, something's not that funny, y'all. And they're like, you know what I mean? And it was kind of like that. It's like, something's going on here. Exactly. Like, are you laughing at me or with me?

Yeah, yeah. Right. So he's like, he's like, you know, talking a lot. And I was like, hell yeah. And he's like grabbing my legs, my gams. Your haunch. And he's like, he's grabbing my haunches. And he's like, ooh, I love your big, big legs. They're so big.

They're so big. And I'm like, okay, I know. It sounds like you're dating a Mongol from like... And then he like goes up to my ass and he's like, Oh yeah, this is the biggest ass I've ever seen. And I'm like, Okay, well, we're gonna have to check with Guinness on that one. I don't think I hold the record, but you know, you're like my last name not even Kardashian. And he was just like grabbing my ass grabbing my legs, you know, and then he starts like kissing me on the

chest and I'm not a top heavy woman. I'm okay with that. You know, I'm fine. I got ass for days and titties for a few minutes. That's fine. Tits for minutes. Tits for minutes. And so he's kissing my chest and he's like, I love your itty bitty titties. And I was like, why do we have to say that though? You know? It sounds like he's really into adjectives. I know, really. It's like very descriptive.

So many adjectives. But then I was like, well, I can't be doing adjectives with like that. I feel like I'll make him cry if... You know what I mean? You know, like, I wanted to like turn it on him and be like, ooh, I love your long balls. Why are they like that? They were very long. They were very long. Oh, how many AirPods? How many AirPods?

How many AirPods? It was like three AirPods back to back. Oh, how many AirPods? How many AirPods? It was like three AirPods back to back. Oh my God. Pretty long. So that's like four belly buttons. They were like four belly buttons long. But it was fine and fun. And then he ended up being like just like a fuck buddy, which was also a situation I was like, oh, I never thought I can like figure that out.

But it was, it was like perfect. Like we, it was never like discussed. It was just like we text, we fuck, and then it's over. Like I don't want to talk to you. And we were just like on the same page. And I thought that was like beautiful how that worked out Yeah, I feel like we've all at some point in our lives had Like a friends with benefits or a fuck buddy that we didn't really like You know I mean, we don't really like them, but the sex is almost better that way actually

Yeah, and oh and kinda and then then I started dating like my now boyfriend. So I was like, okay, I'm, you know, I'm getting serious about this guy. And then he hit me up and I thought I was like, he wants this big ass again, you know. But I was like, no, I'm sorry, I'm in a relationship. And he was like, no, I was wondering if you moved out of your studio apartment. I remember you said it was very low rent. And I was like, no, I'm still here. Thank you. He wants that itty bitty rent.

He wants that itty bitty rent. Wow. Hey, I'd like to say something about long balls if that's okay. Oh, yeah Yeah, I feel like that's a genetic defect because they're so Present. Oh, do you have long balls? We'll just, I'll hear it out, I'll hear it out. But. He said, oh, sorry, do you have long balls? Oh.

It's not my time yet, but we'll get to that for sure. Before we get too deep into your long ass balls, I just want to say thank you for sharing your story, Vanessa. Thank you. Bad Dates Joe, what's your bad day, baby? I will say just upfront, there were no balls harmed in this story or involved. This story was when I was much younger. I was maybe 19 or involved. Um... Um... This, uh... story was when I was much younger. I was maybe 19 or so.

Okay, so this is like two years ago? This was about two years ago. Thank you. Yeah. Um... And, uh... I was like seeing this guy that I think I also met on OKCupid or something, something free. And he was like a, um... I was not in college at the time, but he was a TA

at a school. And so I would- And TA famously stands for tits and ass. Yeah, exactly, yeah, tits and ass. And so he would always be like sneaking me into his dorm and we would like hook up in his dorm. That's so hard. And he like had this tendency to like lie in a way that was really kind of,

it was clear he was insecure, so it wasn't that big of a deal. He would lie, he'd be like, yeah, I got a full ride to Harvard, but I decided not to do it because I just didn't want to do that. And I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Right, okay.

We were just having sex kinda, so I was like, I really don't care about that kind of thing, you know. The backstory. But then there was this one day, and, uh, where he was kind of acting weird, I like came into his dorm, and we hadn't been seeing each other. It was maybe like a month of us like hooking up.

And he had like this, uh this old website that guys used to use to hook up on each other called Adam for Adam on there. And it was up on his website, or on his computer. And he was like, oh look, I just found my choir teacher on this site. And I was like, okay. It was so random, out of the blue. But I was so young, I didn't think,

oh, maybe he was on there hooking up with other people. And I don't know if I would have even cared if he was. And then later that night, it was like, we were trying to go to bed or something. And out of the blue, he turns to me, he was like, you know, I'm really sorry that I've been kind of weird today, and I was like, okay. And he was like, You're like, this of weird today. And I was like, okay. You're like, this is your usual energy.

I was like, this is how it always is. Whatever you say. And then he was like, you know, something happened today. My best friend died. And I was like, it was so clear that he was completely lying. Like completely making this up in the moment. You know when like someone... I mean, clearly he was like such a bad liar.

And I was like an idiot. I was like 19. And even I could tell he was lying. So I was like, oh my God, this is crazy. Now he's really being crazy with these lies. Yeah. But it was like one in the morning, it was like pitch black in his dorm. So I didn't even know what to say. And so then, you know, the next morning,

I texted him and I was like, hey, I'm really sorry to do this. But could you just prove to me that your friend died, please? Dude, yes, yes, yes, yes. Not you ask for a receipt. I literally asked for receipts for his best friend's death. That's what the airline does when you say someone died.

They're like, we need a receipt. Yeah, exactly. Show us the body, babe. Now I know why. I was jet blue that morning, you know? And then, you know, dot dot dot dot dot dot texting me, I'm at Peary for a while. And then of course he was like,

I can't believe you're asking me this. This is so crazy. This horrible thing happened to me. And I was like, oh, you're lying. You're really lying now. Like, this is so bad. And I felt really like guilt. You know when you're like, someone's like really caught

in a lie and you're like making them do it and you feel like almost bad Even though like that you know you should have been like send me his myspace And then he was like really upset and then like you know the next day he he texted me again He was like you know what I just want to say I've been going through a lot of really dark stuff lately Oh, no, and what happened is I was so depressed, I hallucinated that my friend died. That's what he said.

Oh my God. He still can't fess up. He can't just say, he couldn't. I think also it's like, I don't blame him because it's such a weird lie and he didn't even meet. There was no reason to lie about it to begin with. So it's like, how could he even explain that he was like lying about that?

You know what I mean? Like it was so strange. He just kept adding lies on top of it. Also, we hooked up, when I got here, you weren't talking about your friend dying. And after we hooked up now, you're like, sorry, I was being weird. My best friend.

Like, yeah. Yeah. I forgot to mention I'm best friends with Mac Miller. Oh. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Oh my God, my best friend, Whitney Houston died today.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are we sure he was a TA and not just a student who told you he was a TA? Yeah, where did the lies stop? Right. Yeah, he like lives in like a closet or something. I'm like the whole time he's like pulling me into this like storage room and I'm like, this is weird, you know.

This guy's kinky. Yeah, exactly. This is my bucket. I always have a bucket over here. This is my bucket. Joe, thank you for sharing your story full of lies. I don't even know if I can believe you. Yeah.

That's wild. We have time for one listener story. I am going to read the first line of two different stories and then you guys will tell me which one you want me to read. Cool? Oh, yeah. Okay. Story number one. Let's call this story Brown Downtown. Okay? Or story number two. This was girl on girl gone horribly wrong oh wow hmm okay mm-hmm okay the first one's about someone whose last name is Brown yeah I think they were saying there yeah okay I'm intrigued by Brown downtown I

know me too you guys want wanna hear Brown Downtown, Joe? I think so, yeah. Okay, let's go. Remember, y'all asked for this nasty ass story. Ready? Oh God. Let's call this story Brown Downtown. I had only recently come out

when I matched with a guy on Tinder. He was cute and we were having a good time, so we went to multiple bars before I stayed over at his place. We cuddled and made out before falling asleep. In the morning we awoke to finish what we had started the night before. Wanting to finish things up, he asked if I can go down on him or if he could finish on my face.

Luckily, I declined both because as we laid next to each other, we watched as he shot ejaculate the color of burnt wheat toast over his chest and abs. Our souls left our body as we paused in confusion and horror over what we had witnessed. I honestly thought he had done a magic trick of some kind. Why was it dark brown? I asked if his cum was always brown. He said, no, and began to slowly descend into

panic. We did some frantic googling before cleaning up his sticky number and headed for the emergency room. That day he was diagnosed with prostasis and inflammation of the prostate and prescribed antibiotics because the inflammation was likely caused by an infection. Luckily we had only done hand stuff, so there was no risk of exposure for me. We went on a few more dates, however he couldn't ejaculate for a month, so he didn't want to be intimate

and things eventually browned out. Wow. Wow, I thought it was gonna be a doo doo story, but that was. Same. That was almost worse. Yeah. Is he a robot? That sounds like oil. Like what the fuck? I feel like if this was your guy, the liar, he would be like,

yeah, it just looks like that all the time. He'd be like, that's not even brown. It's dark white. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Bad dates. Well guys, that's not even brown, it's dark white. Yeah, exactly. Bad dates.

Well, guys, thank you so much for coming on bad dates with me today and, you know, just sharing it being vulnerable about, you know, one, love languages, two, outy belly buttons and, you know, three long balls. So I really feel like we learned a lot today. Where can the listeners find more of you? Where can they catch you? We'll start with Mike and work our way around. Okay, yeah.

My Instagram is glazerboohoohoo. Yeah, glazerboohoohoo. I used to be a lot sadder. Shout out to my therapist, Peter Tuesdays at noon. Things are going a lot better now. Tuesdays at noon with Peter. Yeah, love that. And also sometimes Fridays at nine. But you know, that's another story for another time. So on Instagram at Glazer Boohoohoo. I love that. Vanessa, where can people catch you? You can find me at VanessaComedy.com

and Vanessa G Comedy on all socials. Catch me on the road headlining in a city near you. Ooh, love it. List it, need it, want it. Joe. So you can find me at Joe Castle Baker on everything, on Instagram, blah blah blah. And then you can listen to my podcast, Finally, which is on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Gorge, what is Finally?

It's a podcast where we chit chat and put things to rest, finally, which is why it's called that. I thought it was like, find a Lee, like find a guy named Lee or a guy named Lee. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, thank you. Is that like a true crime thing? No, no, no, no.

And as always, you can find me on Instagram at Reezy. Or you can come see me at Why Are You Single, the dating game show that really I don't help anybody find love, but it's a good show and we have a good time. And you can listen to more episodes right here on Bad Dates. Have a good day. Bye. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery,

created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey, produced by Anne Harris and Devin Torrey Bryant, engineered and edited by Devin Torrey Bryant and Kyle McGrath. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Sean Hayes, and Jason Bateman.

Executive producers for Spotless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushy and Eben Schledder. If you've had a bad date, please share it with us at 984-265-3283 or write us at baddatespod at gmail.com. We would love to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We'll be back next week for more. Hello Prime members.

You can listen to Bad Dates early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and ad-free with Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.