Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Blow Your Biscuits (w/ Russell Howard, Raanan Hershberg, and Sarah Cooper)

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Russell Howard, Raanan Hershberg, and Sarah Cooper to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Russell gets underwhelmed under the bridge, Raanan’s virginity is decided by the flip of a coin, and Sarah tells us about her unsatisfying attempt to land the f*** of the Irish. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Russell Howard: https://www.russell-howard.co.uk/Raanan Hershberg: @raanancomedy on social media, https://www.raananhershberg.com/Sarah Cooper: Sarah’s new book Foolish: Tales Of Assimilation, Determination, and Humiliation is available hereSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

After I got divorced, I started to go into bed in lingerie. Like, I don't wear it during the day, but I like sleeping in it by myself. I'm in a relationship when I go to a bed to dress like the Abominable Snowman. I thought, that's how I was. That's how I was. That's how I was.

Yeah, that's how I was. It's so funny how you doing that, Sarah. Like, the very fact that when you're on your own, you sort of wear lingerie and you go to sleep, it's that there will be a foul, like, like, Jemila says, there'll be thousands of men just go, oh my God, this is incredible. If I had the same story about me,

it would be somehow, isn't it weird, the most unsettling thing of like, no, I just, I like putting on my leathers, I like sleeping on my own. I get, I get, I get my gag ball. I just drink, I just drink, I just fall asleep. I'm chill drinking, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I just drink, I to bad dates. I'm so thrilled to have you all here. I'm such big fans. How is everyone? Are you all well? Doing well, yeah.

So excited to meet you. And you're gorgeous hair. Thank you. Thank you. I'm using my big hair to cover up the big mess that's in my room right now. Oh, it's working. Yeah.

Zoom is still humiliating me on a daily basis. OK, so before we get into everyone's stories, can you just tell me a little bit about what your attitude is towards dating. Sarah, will you go first? How do you feel about dating? You're good at it. Okay, Mike. Let's start at the beginning and just say, I've been on like in my 20s and 30s, I had my very first joke that I ever wrote for stand up was, it was a year ago, I was single and today I'm no longer single I'm now desperate. Anyway I was very desperate I was on every dating site known to man I used

the onion personal if anybody remembers the onion personal they had a personal section. Is that the satire website? Yes. Yes. Wow you were going for a high end. But wait, as you know that everyone isn't saying, like, doing satirical posts about love. Well, turns out they were. No, it was pretty good. That was the first, I met a guy named Bill on the Onion Personals, who was the first guy to ever give me an orgasm. So I will give it up to the Onion Personals for that. Sure.

Yeah. But when he satirically giving it, or was it an high point? I was a joke. It was I was kidding. I went on a little like drink. He kept calling it a date and I kept thinking myself that doesn't sound like the right word for this. For me, this is a vibe check for sex. That's what that's what they are for me now. Like I'm just actually seeing if I want to have sex with you or not, I'm not interested in a relationship. So. Oh sure, sure. So you're going to go. That may be the most American thing I've ever heard in my life.

Why is that American? This is a vibe check. Oh, because I can't imagine an English person saying you're currently on a vibe check for sex. Yeah. It's just, it's. It's so direct. The pot. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

What about you, Rennon? Similarly, ruthless. I guess the best way to describe me before that. I'm like a sex addict who was constantly going through withdrawal, you know, I mean, like it was hard for me to like always have sex, but that's what I really wanted. And I would date, you know, but always run away from relationships. And now I'm finally in like an actual committed person live with me relationship, you know so But you know, so yeah, like the reverse But do you feel like you have been lucky in the dating world or was it?

I mean I haven't been lucky, but I also haven't been like I've run away. I have a lot of issues my mother lucky, but I also haven't been like, I've run away. I have a lot of issues. My mother, my mother was very intrusive growing up. I think for a certain point, I associated it being loved with being trapped, you know, classic avoidance. So I'd like run away. This is a whole lot of the book cost. Yes, mostly relationships. I also got rejected when I was younger quite a bit. And so for me for a long time, someone not being into me was what I was attracted to. Because it's what I got. That's normal. That's normal. Yeah, it's normal. Yeah. But I, because when you get rejected, when you're younger, like now, if someone's not into me, I'm like,

it's hurtful, but I'm also like, this is nostalgic. Oh yeah. This is my childhood. So, oh God, I'm the complete opposite. I'm, I'm, if someone isn't willing to lay down their life for me, I'm not kissing you. Like you have to be ready with a sword. That's what I wanted when I met my ex. That's what I wanted.

No uncertainty. I don't want to put myself out there at all. I need like completely straight lines, clear communication. I can't read any fucking cues. I need you want to put myself out there at all. I need like completely straight lines, clear communication. I can't read any fucking cues. I need you to lay it all out there. It's just such a brilliant example of how confusing it is to be single because men have always been told that having a good sense of humor is important, but it turns out you've got to be ready with a sword.

But yeah. Again. Well, no, but wait, Russell, just to be clear, like funny with a sword. Funny with a sword. Funny with a sword. Funny with a sword. It just has to, I just need, like, I need complete certainty that you're into me. If there's even a hint that someone's not at all into me, or if, or if even if someone else, this is too far, right?

But if someone else is also interested in the same person as me, I immediately back out, because I feel immediately like I'm getting in the way of true love. And I don't want a hassle, I don't want to fight, I have no competitive instinct. I am just like, either it's simple and clear and we're going to do this now, or I can't, I cannot be asked with a game or a chase or any of that. I don't want you to chase me. I don't want to chase you. It's, it's the height of romance, really. It's like a cold, clinical bank deal. I got bad news. I don't think we could work out together.

I know. Okay, here's the thing. Here's what you know is describing. Okay, she's describing a man who's so completely in love with her that like getting a sword is no big deal. It's not like Russell. It's not a big deal to get a sword for this woman. You know what I mean?

Like you'd have to meet a woman where it was like no big deal for you to get a sword. I really regret saying sword. I think it's created a... I love it. It's created a really intense fight. A sword of humor. Yeah, I love it.

Russell, what about you? How do you feel about dating you into it? I've never been dating up, never done anything like that. I've just been with my girlfriend who's now my wife. So I feel very... I feel like a very old man listening to you all right. You're David Beckham.

David Beckham never dated. I don't say that to an English person. Oh, sorry. Sorry. The English know the truth in our Beckham. Let's not mock your words. I've always thought of Russell as the David Beckham of comedy, right?

You get that all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One in the same. David Beckham, lovely. I'm sure he's a lovely bloke. But yeah. Well, listen, I was just talking about with his relationship with posh because he never dated and then he met her and that was it for him It just sounds like that's a real shit. I feel like you haven't actually seen the documentary

So yeah, I have What are you talking about? He dated other people maybe after getting with anyway, this is turning into a bad backup instead of I've only seen the first episode, okay, now for months. Yes. Bad dates! Hello, I'm Hannah. And I'm Suryte. And we are the hosts of A Red Handed, a weekly true crime podcast.

Every week on Red Handed, we get stuck into the most talked about cases. But we also dig into those you might not have heard of. Like the Nephiles Royal Massacre and the Nithory Child Sacrifices. Whatever the case, we want to know what pushes people to the extremes of human behaviour. Find, download and binge-read-handed wherever you listen to your podcasts. I'm Rob Briden and welcome to my podcast, Briden and we are now in our third series. Among those still to come is some Michael Paling, the comedy duo Egg and Robbie Williams. The list goes on, so do sit back and enjoy Briden and on Amazon Music, Wondery Plus or wherever you get your podcasts.

Russell, can you tell me the story of Under the Bridge? under the bridge. So under the bridge is I I lost my virginity when I was 15, which was very late at my school. So I was mocked mercilessly by all my mates. It's not crazy that 15 is very late. I know. I never felt more embarrassed in my life. I was 22 when I was 16, so I guess I'm okay. But that's the correct age. You shouldn't lose your virginity under a bridge. She got to mean it's, but I was at an army camp for kids that they thought wouldn't do well at exams at school. During the summer holidays and we kind of went there and there was a girl that's quite liked me.

She was 15 as well and she said you want to come over here towards the woods. And how did you feel? Are you surprised were you getting this kind of attention? Delighted. Yeah, just I love the brain. Delighted. I love that. Yeah, I'm delighted. And I sort of, for whatever reason, during that week at this Army camp, I decided to wear my shorts backwards. And I just said, I remember thinking, it must be the shorts. They must be working in some way. Wait, why? Why was there a, was there like a logo? It was a crisscross era. I think it was a crisscross thing. Daddy Maca make ya jump. Jump, jump, yeah.

I don't know, but I just remember thinking, this is an opportunity to be a new me, I'm gonna wear my clothes back. And after two days, it sort of worked and she said, do you wanna come to the woods? And I was like, yeah, it's so cool. Oh my God. So we started sort of kissing.

It soon became apparent that she was experienced and I really wasn't. And I kind of sort of touched her like a bad mechanic trying to figure out a cast problems. Do you know what I mean? It was like I kind of touched below, touched the boobs. I was like, right, that's that done. And then do you have any finesse at this, being a 15-year-old virgin? Oh, absolutely not. Is it the bag of sand? You're just...

You just can't... Oh, it's awful. It would be like... The outtakes from Patrick's Way, you from Ghost. Do you know what I mean? The potwigs go in everywhere. Like this. This absolutely... I mean, that could be hot, but... No skills whatsoever.

And are you both wearing clothes at this point or are you just fully clothed just groping? What's happening? Sort of, yeah, we're in the mud kind of kissing and groping. And there's a bridge over the top of us and there's honking from the cars. And it's giving a real immediacy. So there's an I'm just thinking, okay, this is it. This is it. Finally, I'm going to lose my virginity. Finally, I'm free of the ridicule. Finally, I'm going to become a man.

So I'm excited. But all I'm thinking about is telling my friends. That's the important thing. Of course. Of course. So yeah, it's just, it's this kind of blizzard of emotions of kind of mud and boobs and uh-uh. And we, we start having sex. She's got a condom. Of course she does. She's, she's better before.

She's better. To the point where it felt like the woodland animals knew her. That's how kind of, it's another thing. I felt like she was getting high fives from a bear like while it was happening. Yeah, yeah. So it was just like a just a rabbit going you again. It was like that. He's like, oh, Mommy. Yeah, he's right.

Bambeys like, this is worse to my mom that killed. But it was, what she accepts, a few of you not knowing what to do or was she giving you shit? She was like, how can you be eight years old? Not know how to do this. You're fucking virgin or was she like understanding? Yeah, I think she had a destination to get to and she had sex before is what you're saying. She is very experienced. Oh, I think that was

fit. I was fairly sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was saying she was the animal. This wasn't a, oh, God. I wasn't saying that. Absolutely not. I'm saying she was, friends with me and home in her environments. I really miss him. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no B.C.L.S.E. whatsoever. I'm just trying to paint an image. So you're both having what I imagine then is quite silent sex.

Is it awkward sex? Like, how's it going? It's incredibly awkward because there's cars honking. And my pale English ass is kind of jackhammering away. It was kind of... This is so embarrassing. Yes, disgusting. And then it finishes pretty quickly,

but not before, this is the peculiar bit of it. This was how I know she wasn't, you know, being sexually entertained is because she paused. I went, oh my God, can you hear that? And we kind of froze. And then she went, and I've never, I've never, I've never, I've never never, and still haven't been inside somebody whilst they're giggling. But it was a bewildering experience. It was, yeah, it was, Was she just trying to make it more fun for herself? Because it was so important.

Yeah, she thought she'd play a prank on me and in the middle of this. But it was the weirdest sensation because it felt like my dick was getting a handshake inside a tornado. Do you know what I mean? It was just the most peculiar thing. That's just the same as when you sneeze.

Yeah, but again, I've not had that experience. I've never sort of put pepper under a lady's nose. It's bad when women giggle when you have sex. So I've been just reading the situation. This wasn't a giggle. This was a maniacal laugh from a bond villain. This was a proper, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a good, a proper, a good. Can I just say there's a low key bragging here?

Yes, that you might be missing. Which is that in your during your losing your virginity, you lasted long enough that someone was able to conjure up and then perform a prank on you. Yes, congratulations. There's a lot of people I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great work. I know, came on their way to the vagina. And in fact, the first person I ever had sex with, God bless him, would come so quickly that he would, we would have sex and he'd be listening to, we'd be listening to songs on the radio while we were having sex

so that the person we were living with couldn't hear us. And as he would come, he'd just say things like, two songs or three songs, because he was counting the whole time how many songs he was asking. It's a very traditional part of losing your virginity and yet here you are getting pranked, because you know, you lost it so long.

With all the honking as well, terrifying. As it ended, when we've kind of finished, and I was just thinking, this is so great, I'm in the gang, I can tell my friends, I kind of rolled over into an aunts nest, I kind of got bit. So I was kind of like, had can tell my friends. I kind of rolled over into an aunts nest, kind of got bit. So I was kind of like, had these kind of welts on me as I wandered back to the army camp.

Where are the welts? Are they on face or no, or both? On my face. Right, that could have been worse. Yeah, even though it was awful, I just remember thinking, it's done, it's dealt with. I've made my debut, it's fine. She got to mean, it was kind of,

it was like playing in the Premier League and you go, right, I touched it all four times, I got sent off the referee played a plank on me, but it doesn't matter because I made my debut. We'll be right back. Bad days. Bosch Legacy returns, now streaming. Maddie's been taken.

Oh God. His daughter. He's in the hands of a madman. How did the police have been looking for me? But nothing can stop a father. We want to find her just as much as you do. I doubt that very much. From doing what the law can't.

And we have to do this a by way. You have to. I can't. And we have to do this the very way. You have to. I don't. Bosh Legacy. Watch the new season, now streaming exclusively on FreeV. And we're back. So, Renan, your story is also about losing your virginity. And I know that because the title is creatively losing my virginity.

Well, I was I was 2021 or 22 as well. No, I feel like the prize guys we had it with each other. But I feel like you're all less shocked about me big 22 than she was. You're like, how are you a virgin at 22 that makes no sense? And I'm like, I also, I'm sorry. That's what I was thinking. I'm all cheeseburger. Yeah.

That's so awful. The all of us, nobody's supposed to get you. What? Why am I not? You're joking. You're looking at me. You are joking. You all could not wrap your heads around your meal,

but you're like, what? I don't get it. So yeah, I was a virgin. I was in college. She was called college. Yeah, she was a soul college. It was just, it was this girl out of friends with, and we were just complaining about like being virgins one day.

And we were just friends. And then I like as a joke, it was like, maybe we should just complaining about like being virgins one day. And we were just friends. And then I like as a joke was like, maybe we should just have sex. I said it like a joke unless you're serious, you know? Right. The joke. So this is the joke depending on your reaction, you know what I mean? And she was like, okay, and I was like, really?

And she was like, sure. And then we like kind of agreed to it like a business. It was the most unromantic, just purely transactual thing ever. First we agreed right there, we were on her balcony. And then I remember I said that night, I was like, maybe we should just make out now, so we feel more comfortable. I said that.

And she was like, I don't know. She literally said, I don't know. And then Ronan was like, I was just kidding. I'll just show you. Yeah, you. A hot comedian. Is that hilarious? I don't think that.

And this is true. She said, let's flip a coin. I swear to God, she said, we'll flip a coin. If it's ads, we'll make it. Yeah. And if it's tails, we won't. Wow. Yeah, it was crazy.

Wow. This could be more unromantic. It's just scheduling and you're luck. No desire. No desire. No desire. No desire. And so we flipped it quite and it landed

on, I don't want to brag, but it landed on whatever I called. So we made out. And then we had a good, was it good? It was good. But then we had, then we met up a second time. We still hadn't had the section. I love this is so corporate. I know. On our second meeting, which we put in the calendar, it actually was a very embarrassing situation. We were making out and she didn't want to have section, but she offered to blow me. And I got blown. And this is totally true. There was a cop. She brought out a red solo cup, and she put it down next to me. And for some, I never had any sexual experience. I thought she wanted me to come in the cup, you know? Oh, Jesus Christ, the Lord.

Do I do my dick out and I put it in the cup? It's like beer. It's like come pong. Beer pong is that guy? You guys are playing. Yeah. But there was the cup was full of like water. It wasn't for me to come in. It's like like helper watching down. And it spilled like everywhere is disaster. So that scheduled a sex, that pushed a sex back a couple of weeks. We talked to HR for a while. And then we finally had a schedule have sex. And I remember I was very worried about coming out.

So we started, I'm gonna brush out with the UK and then a cup. That's just, we're moving for that. That was full of water. And it's just whatever. And you know what? That looks great. Cup and water is not a tool like predator.

So yeah, you said it. Well, I thought that's what a cup was for. Yeah. So then she didn't have anything to wash her mouth out with. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. I've been a good cup of water with coming. Look, I was only 42 years old. I didn't know. I didn't know that blow've been a good cup of water with coming. Look, I was only 42 years old.

I didn't know. I didn't know that blow jobs are like what the thing. Yeah, I was very embarrassed. Like water had come out everywhere. And I will say that I've never done that. I've never put a glass of water next because I know that I'm planning never happened. No, no, it was all a thank you.

Have you done that, Jamila? What? A cup of water? Yeah, yeah. Gone to go get a cup of water before you've done it. No, I just spit it back in their face. I could feel it first and yeah. Just right in the eye, hold the eyes open,

just lamp it right back and not joking. No, I thought I brought a cup of water. I'm not that prepared. Right, me either. Yeah. It would be a bit of a kill if someone rocked up, we'd like, list the rain in a cup. Oh my god.

That's a rain. Yeah, just like the water pick, you know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little discouraging, you know? Yeah. Mouthwash, a memory eraser for men and black. I actually bring, I actually bring my dental hygienist with me to the blowjob, and she sits in the way it's till I've done. So I get the good scrape under the gums.

So come a water got everywhere. It was very embarrassing. And then we scheduled a sex. It was gonna be at night in my dorm room. And I remember I was terrified of coming early. That was my big issue. I just knew I was gonna come early and I didn't want to. And I was reading at the time.

I don't know if I, it's very well. I was reading, you know, Victor Frankl's man search for meaning. What during sex? No, no, this is before I'm going to say. It's like a couple of years. Now, see that, see that kind of thing totally expected based on this story. Yeah, you could be reading during the sex story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And how was that? How was that book impact to you at the time? No, I was reading it and at the end of the book, you can look it up. There's an epilogue where he's a psychologist.

It's all about the Holocaust and fighting, meaning in life, but he's a psychologist and at the end of the book, he has this part about how like when people have sexual dysfunctions, it's because it's like, you're trying not to come. And so you come. So the key to not come early is to try to come early.

He said something like that, you know? so I thought in my head, okay, wait, sorry. Did what is that the end of the book? As a kind of analogy or that. Yeah, I think about the Holocaust just to be very good. Yeah, certainly. Like that's quite a pangin. Yeah.

There was a lot of suffering and I had to find purpose, but I'd say what? If you're ever, if you're ever trying to, if you think you're going to blow your biscuits early is my tip your Victor Victor I'm not sure the book needs I think you've made a you've made a super point yeah but I want to broaden out you know I mean I'm thinking about doing a podcast every hard-court book enters the sexual and Frank at the end and all ends are something sexual yeah and, and Frank totally. Yeah, exactly. Here's how you blow a guy and that's the last line. Bring a cup. Yeah.

So yeah, but it said that and I was like, all right, he seems to be smart about the Holocaust and finding meanings. So I'll trust him on this too, you know what I mean? No, seriously, you haven't actually clarified. Did he say that verbatim or was that an analogy you drew from the Holocaust? No, no, no, he said that verbatim. Oh, no, that wasn't like reading that Holocaust. That's in the book. That's in the book. Oh, no, no, that wasn't a metaphor. I wasn't like, he wasn't like six million Jews died. I was like, Oh, yes, come early.

That's the end. You know, try to come early, you know, yeah. It just he actually said that. It's like an epilogue and he's just talking about Sexual dysfunction. I guess you didn't have I guess you didn't have a whole thing to talk about a hudder book So I just put at the end of that. Fuck it. I was just really crowbar that in anyway. Sorry He crowbar did it. Yeah, yeah Well at the end of the end of Charles Dickens. There's a bit where Charles Dickens is. You should think about Mark or Fetch's face. She'll have a list of the commercial for Vagra. I don't know. Well,

well, Pride and Pride this was originally called Pride, Pride, Pride and Pride, and we'll see. So, so I, so I was like, all right, we're going to have sex. I'm going to come, I'm going to try to come early.

So she got in, we got naked. I put my penis in and I remember thinking come early, come early. And it didn't work. I came immediately. Wow. Just a hand on a minute. Please tell me, please tell me at that point you were fucking Victor Frank.

But that, it got me. Guys, I got all of a sudden. Never happened. I just shouted. Did it not sound? Did it not sound like Victor Frank will just play the most amazing prank on everybody. On every man. On every man. That's what kept him going all the way through the Holocaust.

He was kind of like, I say what I thought of the ultimate prank. That's the meeting. And I've never spoken to her since and I think she would still deny fucking me. Oh my God. Her tombstone will say I did not fuck Ron on. What a mad Freudian. Sorry, anyway, it took me a while to get into a healthy relationship, but... But you're here now. Congratulation.

Yeah, try and work on that. Thank you for that story. Oh my lord, we'll be right back. Bad dates! Go sound real. At least as a journalist, that's what I've always believed. Sure, odd things happen in my childhood bedroom. But ultimately, I shrugged it all off.

That is, until a couple of years ago, when I discovered that every subsequent occupant of that house is convinced they've experienced something inexplicable too. Including the most recent inhabitant who says she was visited at night by the ghost of a faceless woman. And it gets even stranger. It just so happens that the alleged ghost haunted my childhood room might just be my wife's great grandmother.

It was murdered in the house next door by two gunshots to the face. From Wondry and Pineapple Street Studios comes Ghost Story, a podcast about family secrets, overwhelming coincidence, and the things that come back to haunt us. Follow Ghost Story on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes,

ad-free right now by joining Wondry Plus. you can binge all episodes at free right now by joining Wondery Plus. What a life these celebrities lead. Imagine walking the red carpet, the cameras in your face, the designer clothes, the worst dress list, big house, the world constantly peering in, the bursting bank account, the people trying to get the grubby mitts on it. What's he all about? I'm just saying, being really, really famous.

It's not always easy. I'm Emily Loitany, and I'm Anneliong Rofi, and we're the hosts of Terribly Famous from Wondery, the podcast which tells the stories of our favorite celebrities from their perspective. Each season we show you what it's really like being famous by taking you inside the life of a British icon. We walk you through their glittering highs and eyebrow raising lows and

ask, is fame and fortune really worth it? Follow terribly famous now wherever you get your podcasts or listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the one do we have. [♪ music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing hearing your stories, I'm like, this isn't that that. Like it's really. So I as I told you, I got off all the dating sites, but the last one that I was on, this was the last guy I met before I canceled everything. So I matched with him and we met up on a Sunday when he was just in New York. He was visiting from Dublin or he was on his way to Austin or something like that. Yeah, I was in a play and it was like before the Metinee and we just met up at his hotel and he was really cute and had this cute Irish accent. We had coffee and he was like, do you want to go to my hotel room? And I was like, sure.

You know, and so we go up to this hotel room. They tell me, good day. Day time, like 10 a.m. like this is weird, right? But anyway, I haven't had sex in a long time. Since I've gotten divorced, I've maybe had sex like three times. It's like that. So I'm just like, I just, anybody.

So we go to a hotel room and we're making out and it's good and everything, but I have a problem, which is that I haven't chaved in in a really long time. And for me, that's like a chastity belt. Like I will not, I have to make sure that it's all taken care of. I also didn't know for even that makes it sound so English and proper.

It's not quite ch. It's quite safe. Yes, mom. So I was just like, you know what, I'll come to Dublin. Because I had gone to Dublin with my ex-husband like years ago. We fought the whole time, but I loved it so much. So I wanted to go back. So four months later, I booked my trip. We were like texting back and forth in the four months or whatever.

And I booked my trip. Hang on a minute. So, so when he invited you up to his hotel room, you didn't have sex. No. Okay. No, she instead decided to book a second date across the information. Atlantic, yeah. Yeah, okay.

Nice. This story has to be renamed the fuck of the Irish. Yeah. The such a good one, such a good one. This story has to be renamed the fuck of the Irish. We have to do that. Yeah. The such a good one, such a good one. But that is incredible. So, okay, so sorry. I just wanted to clarify.

I just wanted to make the title of the episode. Sorry, sorry. Thank you for these titles. The fuck of the Irish, yes. So I did all cute. I put, you know, I do my hair, makeup, everything. Like, I had put on some shoes that were really uncomfortable, but looked really cute.

I had earrings on. It was crazy. It was like, I did a lot. So he's like, yeah, he texted me on that side of your hotel room. He's got on shorts and a t-shirt that is ill-fitting and has some sort of stain on it. And he sees me.

And the first thing he says is, so where do you want to go? You flown all the way to Ireland for him. He hasn't. As if you know, you're all the way around. So where do you want to go? I was like, I flew here. Like I flew here. I don't live here. You know, need you know know any good restaurants around? What's good around here? So in his head, by his logic, just like, because I, people are quite straightforward, right?

He's thinking, he met you in your city and you didn't invite him to the fucking, I don't know, Empire State Building. You went to tell him. We've been saying this for months. No, I know, but in his head,, I don't know, Empire State Building. You went to his hotel room. We've been saying this for months. No, I know, but in his head, he's like, wow, Ferris Fair. Like, you know, I'm now your my city. I'm just gonna come to your hotel room.

Like, that's the, that's straightforward, I wish. I never thought about that way, but you're right, Tiffa Taff. Yep, that's true. Ah. That's, so what happened next then? Did you do anything? Did you take him anywhere, Nage?

I said, I said, you know, I was like, some place I wish, you know? I was like, I just want to go to an Irish place, you know? That's what you do. That's right. Wow. Did he take you down Temple Bar or something like that's the most American place in Dublin. We are literally eating burgers and pizza. It's awful. I take an

edible because what else are you going to do at this point? I was like, I want to have sex with this guy, but he's really like trying my last nerves. So anyway, I get I get a little bit too high. We go back to my hotel room and that's when we started having sex. And he loses his accent when we started having sex. And he loses his accent while we're having sex. In your mind or no, like, literally before we're having sex, cute Irish accent, you know, like stay with me, like you're chomps, whatever you guys say, sound like.

Exactly. I quite the way over. I had no problem whatsoever with, you're lucky charms, whatever you guys sit sound like. Yeah, exactly. I quite the way love. I had no problem whatsoever. If you had a hairy bushing the first place, but this is absolutely splendid. Like, to be honest, I can't get back. I can't wait like it when it's hairy. It looks like, like,

like John Snow's cold from Game of Thrones. It's absolutely pointless. Right. We got it. Wait, so you guys back to what, I mean, it's the accent. Yeah, it's Batman. It's Christian Bell. It's very much like it's the accent. You right now.

Yeah, it's like that. He's like, do you like that? Do you like that? Where is your click? Could have been Tom Hardy. That's where that goes. God, do we think he was even from Ireland? Do we think that this man just met you in Ireland from somewhere else? And that's why he didn't know where to take you.

I mean, he seemed Irish. I don't know. I think he seemed Irish. I think that's exactly what's happened. What he's done, he's realized the power in Irish accent has. Yeah. He used this. Yeah. And then when he's done, he's realized the power in Irish accent has. He used it. Yeah. And then when he's about to blow his biscuits, he can't hold onto it. So it just disappears.

Right. And it becomes a power of these. You craft the case. I'm never going to eat a biscuit again for fuck's sake. Yeah. Okay, so he drops his accent. So he drops his accent. And you're like, I'm only fucking you to hear the accent.

Yeah, I mean, that was half of it, yeah. Yeah. So anyway, I'm like, the loss of the accent's weirding me out a little bit, but I'm like, it's okay, this is fine. But then I decide to change positions because I feel like maybe, I don't know, that'll be better for me. He'll go back to being Irish and about cowgirl. Yeah. So I get on top of him, I'm sorry if that's too much

information, but anyway I get on top of him and I think we're safe in this episode. Okay. And I'm just trying to enjoy myself. I don't about sitting come in someone's eye. I'm holding her and I really think you're fine. Okay, thank you. I just want to know what this chameleon does next. So all of a sudden, I have my eyes closed and just trying to enjoy myself and all of a sudden they hear out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out,

in an English accent. I don't know what it was, but I'm like, are you okay? Am I hurting you? And he's like, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. Or I was, but I'm like, are you okay? Am I hurting you? And he's like, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. Or no, I was like, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. And so I keep going. Technically, Juno, Sarah, I think you had a threesome because I think you might have had sex with a skit, so Fr schizophrenic. I think that's what's happened. I could have. So anyway, I don't know why keep going.

Again, I hear out, out, out, out, out. And I'm just like, you know, I'm really tired. I just had to end it at that point. I mean, we cuddled for a little bit and then he like had to leave. And neither of us finished and it was just over. And I was just like, you know what? I don't know if sex is worth it. That's what that's all right. Wow, so done with sex.

Well, I think that sex in my head is great, but like actual sex is so much more disappointing. Like I just get disappointed. I build it up and then it's just a point. You know, I feel the same way. Yeah? I feel the same way about fruit tea. Do you know what I mean?

The idea of it, you sort of look at it and you go, God that looks delicious. Yeah, it's fucking horrible. I did it. Yeah. Every time, it doesn't matter what flavor is roasted. Oh my God, I love that. Yeah, it's exactly how I feel about it.

You know, like I, I just, in my head, the men in my head are like, they do great things. They do exactly what I feel about it, you know? Like I just, in my head, the men in my head are like, they do great things. They do exactly what I need them to do. And my ears, do you were able to keep fucking through the accent change? I would, that would be it for me. I, everything would stop. All the lights are coming on.

What the fuck is going on? That you're a real trooper. All you were incredibly high. Well done. Bad dates. Thank you for being so open and for sharing these mad stories and this insight. Before you go, we always have our listeners

send in their own bad dates stories, and I would like to read you one. This is from Marissa. It was Halloween. What better date than to go to a haunted house? It looked like a totally typical haunted house on the outside, however, when we stepped inside, we immediately realised it was not at all what we were expecting. We were met by a large man wearing a leather harness and carrying a whip. Oh, it's russle at night.

It's just me on a difficult Wednesday. Yep. Yeah. And barking explicit sexual orders at us. Oh my God. And chasing us through this SNM-themed haunted house. Mind you, we were completely sober. In the corner of the last room, there was this bloody woman strapped down to a bed, spread eagle. Oh my God.

On the opposite side of the room, next to the door, we had to exit through was another large, harnessed man jerking off to opposite side of the room, next to the door, we had to exit through was another large, harnessed man jerking off to the site of the bloody woman. What is happening here? I was the last exit holding my date man. He's a Mr. News Squid Game. Yeah.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Um, I was the last exit holding my date's hand, following closely behind him. Oh my God god guys. She says as I pass the large man in the corner to the exit, he ejaculated all over my face. No, but like actually all over my face, all over my hair, dripping down my forehead and cheeks. Oh my god, physically sick. I like how they're like, let's really make this haunted house scary. Let's include rape. We were stunned and horrified,

but that broke the ice and we went back to my place so that I could get cleaned up and he basically never left. Hopefully that's the date, not the man who came all over her face. It's now 10 years later. Oh, and they're married with two kids. Wow. Jesus Christ, that is the most upset and story I've ever heard. Honestly. Yeah. So, there's going to be, can you imagine that moment where their kids go, so Mamitati, you realize that you love each other? You said, I'll say, well, I'm just going to go into the kitchen and do mommy's silence there. She's just cool. I'm like how she mentioned it's an F&M haunted house in the middle. Yeah, it's not at the beginning.

She's just like, we just went to a haunted house. So, is it they thought it was a haunted house? It was a normal one. It just turned out, but also, why would you have an F&M theme? Horned it has a no shade to the F&M community, but the whole thing. But the whole thing is like consent. And these people had no idea what this was. And then, yeah, I just was hopefully, hopefully fake come, I would imagine. But I think so. I think so. I think so.

Oh, it's fake. I thought it was real. Oh, yeah, right. I like thinking it was fake. It's not clarified. We'd like to think that it was, we had depends on which level of the group on they bought probably whether they get like real or fake. To be behind mayonnaise, like what would be the, yeah, it's something that led to trauma bonding. It's the water come from your experience, right? I would be scared to have cuffs. It's got the image of having to walk all the way home covered in just real or fake jizz, just all over face, I would go to that hospital because I would think that I was going to get something. That's what I would. Yeah, but I would, like the only time I've had a fight in my life,

playing footballs when someone spat in me and I just literally just punched him in the face and we kind of went at it. But if someone, if I was on what I thought was like, like an escape room and someone cheesed in my face. Bad dates. Before you go, will you please tell me where people can find you and what it is of yours that we should be watching or reading at Russell? I'm doing an East Coast tour of America.

So if you could come along to that, that would be great. And it's on russellhoward.co.uk and all that but lucky so yeah that'd be nice if anyone fancies it. Great. Zara, my new book, Foolish, Tales of Assimilation, Determination and Humiliation is out now and please buy it, don't read it but please buy it. Thank you. I'm always touring, so you can just go to my Instagram, follow me on Instagram, run on comedy, that's R-A-A-N-A-N comedy, and there'll be a link to all my

tour dates and my specials that you can watch. Thank you so much for coming today. Thank you for having me. I will never look at any of you the same way again. Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jemina Jamil. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant, also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann.

Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arne, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next time for more... Bad dates!

Thank you! Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. The seaside town of Ambul is cold, grey and run down, so when a wild dolphin appears, it's the miracle everyone's been waiting for. It was like a magical draw. I'm going and nothing can stop me. I must meet the stuffin'.

Some believe Freddy has healing powers, others that he's an alien. Everyone wants to swim with him. It's just... Oh, this world, you know. Until one day, someone is accused of taking things way too far. Alan Cooper committed an act of allude, obscene and disgusting nature. A tabloid scandal leads to a court battle that grips the whole country.

By behaving in an indecent manner with a bottle nose dolphin. From Wondry and Blanchard House, I'm Becky Milligan, and this is Hooked On Freddy. Listen to Hooked On Freddy on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.