Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Bodies Bodies Bodies (w/ Shapel Lacey, Natasha Vaynblat, and Michael Rowland)

Episode Date: February 3, 2025

On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Shapel Lacey, Natasha Vaynblat, and Michael Rowland to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Shapel is an international champion, but his dismount could use some work, Natasha is trying to live that Felicity life, but the skinless mummies are something of a red flag, and Michael’s tale of unqualified fumbling in an Italian hostel will leave you saying “WHAT DID YOU DOOOOO?!” If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips.Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Shapel Lacey: @shapellacey on everythingNatasha Vaynblat: @natashavaynblat on everything, new live show Childless FreakMichael Rowland: @michaelrowlando_0 on everything, third season of Animal Control showing now Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes.

Smart. Less. Neon. I've been betrayed by a fart before while I've been sick. If there's evidence. Yes, absolutely. It happens quarterly for me. I'm not proud of it. I got food poisoning.

Yes, I ditched underwear on an airplane. It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I had food poisoning. I had to fly back from Ireland. Oh, I took a risk. I lost. I'm cleaning myself up in the bathroom.

I had a bathing suit that I brought in my backpack. People watched me walk to the bathroom in pants and they watched me walk out in a bathing suit. It was, it was one of the worst things. Oh, hello and welcome to another episode of Bad Dates. I'm your host, Joel Kim Booster, back again this week with another panel of amazing guests who are all going to share a little bit of their own personal trauma with you for your entertainment. Doesn't that sound nice?

Look at all the good we do, especially in this climate. It's the least we could do. Bad Dates, it's right there in the title. If you are a new listener, what we cover here is Bad Dates, and that can encompass any number of things. It can be first dates, it can be second dates, it can be third dates, it could be hookups, it could be entire marriages.

We've had that before. And boy, oh boy, does it just get sadder the longer it goes on. So, before we jump into this week's guest stories though, I will start with a little bit of mailbag from you as always. This one is from Amelia. It's very disturbing. I have had one date with a guy I met on Hinge and not sure about another. We met at a bar, had a few cocktails, and the vibe was there. He started giggling a little at first, then kind of

like a rolling giggle, which was weird. Suddenly the laughing came to an abrupt halt, followed by him saying, oh no! He stood up and sure enough he had pissed himself. Ordinarily that's the end of the date, but he said he really liked me and would I mind standing outside of the bar with him while his pants dried out? He was serious. Even worse, I agreed! He still tried to flirt wearing

pissed stained jeans. I gave it about 10 minutes of awkward chat before I told him I had to go. He was hot enough that I'm bothering to ask, is it even possible this was a one-off sprinkle or do I run for the hills? Wow, Amelia. I got to tell you, this is another case and we've hear a lot of this on this podcast, of straight women setting the bar so low, so low. It is just such an indicator of how dark it is out there for straight women that you didn't immediately run for the hills with this man, this grown ass man, pissed his jeans and then asked you to wait it out with him.

That's wild. There's so many there's so many questions I have about this situation. Obviously, this man is above six feet because otherwise you wouldn't have cared. You wouldn't have done it. There's some he's definitely tall, along with the other. Why she wouldn't be there. Exactly. And here's the other thing. I don't think this was an accident.

I think you just involuntarily engaged in someone else's kink. That's it. And I think this was sort of a test run for him to see how you'd handle it. And I'm getting a lot of agreement, a lot of nods from an agreement from the panel. So I'm just gonna bring them in so that we can all weigh in on this together because this is a wild one you guys. First up, you heard him agreeing a little bit earlier. He's a comedian who's appeared on Comedy Central and is a regular at the laugh factory here in LA. It's Chappelle Lacey. Hello, Chappelle. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I cannot

wait to hear you, your ideas on poor Amelia's situation. The next step, we have another stand up comedian. You've seen him on The Tonight Show and Animal Control. Please give it up for Michael Rowland. Yay. Hi, Michael. Hello, Joel Kim Booster. It's so good to see you, buddy. Good to see you too.

And then, finally, last but certainly not least, we have, thank God, a straight woman to weigh in on this situation. She's a comedian with appearances on Comedy Central and The Tonight Show. And you can watch your special We're All Dads here on YouTube. It's Natasha Van Blatt. Hi, Natasha. Thank you so much. And I brought notes.

Don't you worry. As a straight woman, I brought notes. I am so glad. Guys, what do we think about what happened to Amelia here? Is this is our things so dark out there for straight women in 2024 that she has to consider a second date with the piss jeans guy? I think absolutely. I'm not in the dating world. I'm not a straight woman so.

Yeah. I would say as a straight woman, not a single one, but as a straight woman, it's really rough out there. I was chatting with a friend recently and she was like, I've started only dating married men because at least they keep appointments. Wow. Wow.

What a life hack. What a life hack. That's incredible. I mean, I guess Michael and Chappelle, have you ever pissed on a first date with a woman? Has that ever been something that you've experienced personally? Yeah, who does that?

What? I'm not a little kid. Yeah, maybe it is a kink. He's like, he's soft launching the kink to see like, could she be into it? No grown man pisses their, like, was he wasted? Was that a factor? It didn't sound like he was hammered.

I think like it's, we're supposed to, it's implied a little bit that they were drinking, sure. But even still, I guess the only way he could get out of this is to say something like, I was so engaged with our conversation and so into you that I simply couldn't interrupt whatever brilliant story you were telling

to go to the bathroom. That's how deep into you and your storytelling ability I was that I needed to piss my pants. And can we talk for a second? Is it warm? You're gonna have a strong benefit of doubt with that. I know, listen, I'm just trying to look on the bright side. It's inoculation morning.

I am trying to really look at the positives today. But can we talk really quickly, there is no more uncomfortable fabric to sit in your own piss in than jeans. Like I've pissed my pants in jeans. I mean, I'm not gonna tell you the last time it happened. No, certainly not. Is this you?

Was this you sending the story? But also how old were you when you pissed your pants? I mean like a kid, kid, kid. But you don't forget the feeling of being, of sitting in your own piss in jeans. Wet jeans is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Here's my question though.

If they're dark jeans, I feel like you couldn't even tell. I know, I wonder what- So I'm like, this guy should just be wearing dark jeans. Especially if he was just trying to get Amelia in on his kink, I guess. He could have just, I would have just done it and not said anything the first time, see if she was okay with the smell, the look, the feel,

and then revealed later on that I had pissed myself. What was wrong with just indicating it right there? I know, this is what I want for Amelia and for every woman, straight, gay, bi, like cis, anything otherwise, just in general, the population, I want better for you, okay? I want men who will hold their piss until they get to a toilet.

I want men who aren't driving cyber trucks. I want men who listen and ask follow-up questions. You know, like three simple things. This is the inauguration speech I want men who listen and ask follow up questions. You know, this is the inauguration speech I want. This is the speech we need this morning. Bad Dates I wrote poems hard. I remember one time I wrote a girl, a poem in high school.

We had to write poems, right? And I got an F on it, right? But I was just like, screw you, Miss Lady. Your teacher was Drew Barrymore from Never Been Killed? Yeah, right, pretty much. So I was mad at my teacher, and what I did is I took the poem, and my homie had like a recording studio,

well, it was his iMac, and I recorded the poem on acoustic guitar with me singing. Let's go. Yeah. You turned it into a song. You turned an F into an F minus. Yeah, I was like, whoa. Dad games.

First up, we're gonna start with Chappelle. Now Chappelle, give me a little bit of background. Where are you at right now dating wise? Are you in a relationship? Are you single? Are you actively looking? What's the Chappelle vibe? You're single currently. Where in your life does this bad date story take place? I was a competitive cheerleader, right? Uh huh. And so I, you know, I did it for 12 years.

Okay. I started in high school, whatever, ended like college, early high school. Lifting those girls up, doing flips and kicks. What were you doing? Doing flips and kicks all the above. All the above. I was, I was that guy. I'm a world champ.

Oh my God. Hell yeah. Yeah. One world champ. You guys can't see, but Chappelle's been doing back flips this whole time. This whole time. The viewers, the listeners can't see. He's been doing the podcast in a back bend.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I wasn't really into like hooking up because I would hear the girls that I cheered with and they would talk about their hookup stories and they just sounded so traumatic. So I was just like, oh, I don't wanna be that guy. Like I remember, for the longest time,

I wouldn't let a girl go down on me. All right, cause I thought it was rude. Cause this is what I'm saying. You wouldn't let them go down on you. No, I wouldn't because I'll tell you why. Cause I remember at practice, the girls will be talking and they'd be like, they're like, oh, what'd you do with them last night?

And they'd be like, ugh, I sucked this dick. And I'm like, oh, they hate that. So anytime a girl would go down on me, so anytime a girl would try to go down on me, I would just pull their head up. Wow. And unfortunately, Chappelle, you probably created a separate kind of trauma for them

by not allowing them to go down on you. Like, literally, like, I guess there is no winning for straight women. Like, it's a terrible thing to have to go down on a man, but it's also to have a man pull your head off his dick. That just tells me, like, she's going back and saying, I guess I'm really bad at it. I guess I'm so bad.

I found the one guy who doesn't want me to suck his dick. So this was at cheer camp. OK, I was in college and, you know, I this was the second time I ever had sex and I was already like I was just so reserved with it, you know, because I wanted to do it with someone I was in love with. So, you know, cause I wanted to do it with someone I was in love with. So, you know. You fool.

I know. You fool, you clown. You clown. Yeah. Yeah. Is cheer camp a like hot bed of hooking up just for me like setting wise? As a straight male cheerleader,

were you like a hot commodity? Were you like- Yeah, cause I was like the odd man now. Yeah. Yeah. So everyone's trying to hook up with him. Most of the dudes on my team were gay. And so, and also I was really, really good at cheerleading.

So me being really good, and then like the girls, they would see, they'd be like, oh my gosh, he's so good. Like he's always in front for the dances. Yeah, I was. Rock hard spirit, you would say. So not only were you a hot commodity amongst the straight women, but you were hated by the gay guys who wanted to be up front.

Oh, listen, the catty gays, the high human, they hated that a straight dude was out doing them and the toe touches, like, I was like, kill it. I mean, it does feel a little bit like If if that were me if I were a gay guy on your cheer squad watching you crush the front row toe touches it would be as though I were like I Were jay-z watching Macklemore get the Grammy for best rap album, you know Like that's how that would feel like to me. It would feel like a major case of cultural appropriation. Like this is not you can't have everything.

You're good at this to like shut up. But that's just I'm just putting myself in their shoes for a second. But anyways, you were at cheer camp. You were having an amazing time being a great cheerleader. How come it was like it was our last day of cheer, you know, the cheer camp or last night because we had to do like spirit stuff in the morning or whatever. But anyways, we were all like drinking, you know, just having fun in a hotel. And one of my teammates and I didn't really know her

because I was new to the team and And she started like dancing on me. And I was like, she goes, do you have a boner? I was like, yeah. And then she was like, let me see. What? She goes, let me see. Wait, is this in front of everybody? Yes.

What? And she goes, let me see it. And I was like, OK. And then I showed it. And then she was like, all right, we're going to your room. And so she takes my hand, we go to my room. And she leads you by your penis. Yes, right next to you.

She takes you by the boner. That's hot. Efficient. Takes you by the boner, walks with me to the room, kicks everyone out of my room, says, everybody get out. Chappelle and I are about to have sex. And I'm like. Okay, girl boss, I love this. Chappelle and I are about to have sex. And I'm like. Okay, girl boss.

I love it. Truly. That's CEO energy. No, and it's so nice for you because it's like, that's it. You know what? You want to talk about enthusiastic consent. Like, I mean, actually I haven't heard it from you yet.

That's the problem with this story. It's that she seems to be very into it. How are you feeling in the moment, Chappelle? I was terrified. Because I've only done it once. And the first time I did it, the this girl, she got me drunk. She said, oh, we were just taking advantage. You left it right. Holy shit.

Yeah. I'm telling you, if Natasha were telling this story, I think it would be a different podcast. I got to tell you, it would be a true crime podcast. If Natasha were telling this, were telling this exact story. So anyways, we go to my hotel room, she kicks everyone out, and then we just start at it. And I still don't know what I'm doing. Even though I had sex once already,

I still, that was like two years ago, two years prior. You forget, holy. Yeah. Beginner's block, you knew where all the holes were. Second time around, you don't know. They could have moved around on the body. Yeah, this is completely different down here. This is what I used to do at all.

Mr. Potato Head body, but on a woman. You're both laughing because it's so true. Yeah. So start going out of world position number two, which is a doggy style, if you will. Yeah. I love to say that. That's usually position number one for me. But then, but different strokes for different folks, but so it's position number two for you.

So we're on position two and we're at it. And then all of a sudden I felt this weird thing happen to where I just needed to pull out, you know, and I was just like, what the fuck happened? So I pulled out and there was blood. Oh, right. And then she was like, oh, she goes out. She goes, I think I started my period. I'm sorry.

And then I was like, oh, it's OK. I'll just go clean off. And you know, she went to her room to like tampon up or whatever. If that's what you call it. Upon a. That is what I'm calling it from now on. Time to tampon up. That is what I'm calling it from now on. Time to tampon up.

That's like, that's actually, that's such an empowering way to phrase it. I feel, you know, instead of like, Oh, I got my period. It's like, Hey, I had to, I'm sort of tamponed up right now. Yeah. It's like morphin, it's like morphin time.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. Perfect. I go to the bathroom to like clean off. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So perfect. I go to the bathroom to like clean off. And then I realized it kept dripping. I was like, what the fuck? Oh, no. And it was me. I was the one bleeding and I was like, wow.

You got your period. And I started freaking out. I started. I don't know, I just started like going crazy, like trying to like, you know, I had a rag to my dick and I was like trying to stop this blood, but I couldn't because I was drunk, you know, alcohol. Chappelle, I have to know, where was the blood coming out of? The hole or was it a leak, some sort of scrap scrap or scratcher I

didn't get the snipper rule when I was younger okay oh same thing yeah yeah I'm an uncut king it's cool on cut Kings look at you guys so basically what happened she was dry and so I was just like going off like pornos and I was like And so that friction Like basically like rug burn Yeah Broke the damn skin. It's our bro. God the skin. That's what happened so I'm freaking out and then teammates, some of the dudes I was

cheered with, they were like, you're like, they're knocking at the bathroom door. They're like, what's going on? I was like, come here. They're like, they're like these fucking gay guys are like, let me look at the dick. Let me check it out. I bet I can figure it out.

Yeah. And then when they saw the they saw the blood, they were like, oh, so. When determine. Yeah, right. To me at all. You know, we get still a little rag to me. It was so there was blood everywhere in the bathroom and I didn't realize I think I was probably it was like on the walls,

the toilet, whipping it around. Yes, I think I was just like. You were Jackson Pollocking the bathroom with your bloody dick. And it literally looked like a murder scene because I just had like spots of blood everywhere. Oh my Christ. And so.

Christ. I know, and so one of my buddies, he's looking at me, he goes, okay, you clean up in here, I'll clean up out there. And so basically he took the bloody sheets Because it was in Myrtle Beach Myrtle Beach. Oh my god, I would have guess that's where it would happen Yeah, so he threw he threw the fucking sheet on the beach That's how he got rid of the evidence. I gotta tell you someone who used to go to Myrtle Beach a lot That's not the first bloody sheet somebody has stumbled upon on that beach.

Okay. I know someone picking up just goes, once again. Anyways. Cheer camp is here. Yeah. Yeah, cheer camp. All right. Did you ever follow up with her?

No, I was so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. Because everybody knew. Because here's embarrassed. Everybody, cause everybody knew. Cause here's the thing, cheerleaders talk. Cheerleaders talk. I mean, that's kind of your job. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So I'm walking around camp the next day. He was bleeding. He, he was bleeding. B-L-E-E-D-I-M-G. He was bleeding. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Next up, Natasha. Now I know you, I've only known you as a married lady, I think. That's true.

Or as a very partnered person in the many years that we've known each other. So where in your life does this date take place? I was in New York for an internship while I was still in college. So it was the summer. And talk about Chappelle, talk about a rom-com setup. Young white girl at an internship in New York City. Is this Felicity? I wish. God, I wish I had that hair. My God.

Yeah, so I was like, yeah, loving my time in the city, going crazy in the city, but I was at the time, so I'm Russian, born there, grew up in Virginia though, but I have family in Queens. I have like very elderly traditional Russian relatives in Queens. And so that summer I was living with them, these two aunts, and they were like, you are 21, you need to be married yesterday. Okay? So they were like, this is a problem. And we're constantly trying to be matchmaker to me. And so I was like, I really, I really don't want to do this.

And frankly, my parents were like, you have to be nice and just like go on one of these dates because you're staying at their house. And where were, what pool of men were they pulling from to send you out? A great question. Okay? Not a good pool. I'll tell you that.

Okay? It was, it was like, it would be like the cousin of some other woman they met at a grocery store competing over potatoes. You know, it was like, it was just, these people weren't vetted in any way. Yeah, the only rule was like- That's the old school setup.

Oh, big time, yeah. Or it's like you needed batteries, and it's like, okay, I'll give you batteries, but date my son, you know, that sort of thing. Exactly, it is very, you are property at this point. It's like, I'll let you have the potatoes, give me your daughter. Yeah.

So finally I was like, okay, fine, I'll just say yes. And so again, I'm like, I don't even, I don't remember this man's name. They certainly did not know him. It was like, truly was like a friend of a friend of a friend had a single boy. Yeah. Yeah. We'll call him Ivan Sergey. Great. Yeah. Ivan Sergey.

Let's call him Ivan Sergey. Yeah. That seems that seems likely. And so he picks the date and we go. I don't know if you guys remember this, but this was like 2000, it must have been 2008. The bodies exhibit in Manhattan. Does anybody remember this? I remember the ads for it.

I don't think I actually went and saw it. Is it no skin, but you can like see the musculature and the skeletons? Yes. That was wild time. It really makes you appreciatek. Yes, I remember this. Skeletons. Yes. That was wild time. Yeah. It really makes you appreciate skin. I'll tell you that.

Yeah, it's really a pro skin kind of example. I don't need to see all that. I don't need to see all what's going on underneath there. Those are all the comment cards. They say, yes, first date. It's a very Russian first date. Isn't it? Or it's like, this is where we'll end up.

Natasha, look. You and I become this. This is us without skin. First date it's a very Russian first date isn't it? Yeah, it's like this is where we'll end up Skin you like Yeah, so it was like so immediate so first of all, okay, so I meet him outside I feel like I've like they've given me like some sort of description, but I'm 21. This man is 37. Okay already I'm like here who whoops, here we go. You know, he's got, you know, circles under the eyes. Now is that common, that kind of age gap? No, well I mean, not for me. Okay, okay.

But I mean, I would say actually, now that you said it, I'm like in the Russian community, probably. Actually probably. So in their mind, they're like. Now we're not here at bad dates trying to speak for the entire Russian community. probably. Actually, probably. So in their mind, they're like, we're not here at bad dates trying to speak for the entire Russian community. Exactly. This is Natasha's opinion.

This is just my own anecdotal experience being Russian and engaging with the Russian community. Exactly. Yeah. So he's old to me, old as dirt at that time. I'm 21. I'm like this man. Yeah, this man's going to die tomorrow. I am now. Let's be clear. Oh, and now I'm like, God, if only I was kinder to this man. Okay, so we greet each other and I'm already, I'm like, okay, well, get me out of this as fast as possible. And then we

walk in and yeah, it's just a dark warehouse, but with, yeah, these just like skinless mummies lit up everywhere in various like poses. Like honestly, I wonder if there was a cheerleading one. There's like, they're playing tennis just with skin and eyeballs, you know? They're like cooking and it was just horrific. And so we didn't talk the whole time. I just moved ahead of him really fast.

No talking? No talking. No talking. No observations about the body or what you could see. I mean, there's a view. No talking? No talking. No talking. No observations about the body or what you could see. I mean, there's a view. No, look at this one. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Check out this guy's pancreas. None of that? Yeah, like is this my cousin? That sort of thing. Yeah, there's very little talking. I feel like we tried at first to be like, oh, interesting.

And then I was like, I can't do this anymore. But I know I have to finish the museum. I can't walk through the entrance. So I was like a rule follower till the day I die. And so I was like, well, if I just go through it really fast. So I just went through the whole exhibit really fast. And then I waited for him at the exit. He came out and I said goodbye and he said goodbye

and we never saw each other again. Oh shit. Why would you? Now, I mean, this isn't about how he has called bad dates. Did he, was there, what was especially bad about it other than his general, other than who he was? I would say the activity. Yeah, what we did.

It was the activity. It was really the act. It's just, it's like, it's the equivalent of like going to a morgue. Yeah, no. It is like, you walked into the bathroom where Chappelle's dick was bleeding and you got to see it from the inside out.

Yeah, you got to see it. What did it look like on the display? Was it okay? Yeah, I was still quite red. So that, surprisingly, more veins than I would have expected. Did the bodies have penises or were they anatomically correct? I wish I remembered. I would think so. I think this exhibit seemed to be very like, we're showing everything. We're showing all of it. So a penis with no skin.

A penis with no skin. And definitely. You said they were doing different poses? They were. That honestly was even more upsetting, where I was like, let's just respect these bodies. Yeah. You know? That's a serious killer's dream. That's literally the end goal for a lot of serial killers.

They literally let a serial killer plan a exhibit at a museum. Yeah, the gift store. And they were like, this seems museum. Yeah, the gift store. And they were like, this seems normal. Yeah, the gift store is just like lamps made of the skin taken off the bodies. That's where all the skin went. Oh, I thought you were serious.

No, no, no, no. I put that for the bodies they used. Because they were like, yes, use my body for science and art. And then they do this. And they're probably looking down from heaven, like, not like this. This is not what I want. Why am I playing pickleball with another dead body?

Yeah. Yeah. Show me some respect. I think the body's thing was shut down because it turned out the bodies were gotten non-consensually. Oh, my God. They didn't use consensus. Then I think they were like like prisoners or something. And it was like, oh, I should have looked this up. The bodies exhibit is going to come from my ass.

I'm getting a producer note now that we, we did a little research. The bodies were sourced from unclaimed bodies from China. People executed or imprisoned. That doesn't feel great. No. What, what the fuck? Why was this allowed? I would say not a rom-com setting anymore. No. And this dude was like, yo, let's go see him. Yeah.

He was like, yeah. I wish him well. Do you see this? This is what I want to do to you. You guys didn't have food? You didn't eat, you didn't drink, you didn't- You didn't eat? No.

Yeah, was there a food court at the museum at the end? Yeah. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad end? Bad dates. Bad dates. Taking us home, last but certainly not least, we're going to go with Michael. Now, Michael, I know you had prepped a story,

but Chappelle's had inspired you so much. You were thinking about changing. Chappelle inspired me for, I think, a great story that might be slightly more compelling. There is blood involved. That's what I do for White Male. It's a bit of a theme. I just inspire.

For this whole thing, it's more of a body's exhibit. Yeah. I love the body's exhibit theme of this episode. So if you feel comfortable and you wanna tell it, by all means, go for it. Yes. I lost my virginity later as well. I was like, I was 19. And it's because I had a bit of

a traumatic experience when I was 18. My grandmother gave money to me and my brother. This is like her one big gift she gives us. She gives you money to travel. So we went to Italy. We were like backpacking around Italy. Yeah. RIP. She's the best Jackie Kavanaugh. Ah, she was the best. And so me and my brother were like backpacking around and we're outside Rome, you know, and I'm just like, I didn't have my first kiss till I was 18. I was like a short fat kid. And so I'm, I'm in Europe trying to be a cool guy. Not really pulling it off. Nobody, I'm not really getting attention. And we're at this like hostel that's outside of Rome,

me and my brother, and we meet these German girls and they're nice, they're nice, they're at the pool. And they'll fuck anything. You know? Do they have their skin? They have their skin. They have beautiful skin. They have beautiful skin.

Lucky. They're kind. Good and dark. Their English is broken but passable. And we're having a nice time. I'm not comfortable with us describing a pair of German girls and hearing Michael be like, and their skin was amazing. I loved it.

I just really. You know, we talked to him at the pool. Me and my brother were hanging out with this guy from New Zealand. Evan, he becomes our buddy. We're friends with these New Zealanders and these British guys. And so one night we're at the hostel

and we're playing cards and the German girls come out and Evan's like, why don't we go back to my room and play cards? And so we go to Evan's room, we're playing cards with the German girl. I'm not thinking anything of it. I'm just happy to be in a room where women are present. You're playing Uno internationally and that's enough for you. And that is enough. I'm like, man, look how far we've come. And then we're playing those cards

and I get up and I go, I need to go to the bathroom. And one of the German goes, let me know if you need any help. And I go, okay. And then I walk out and I'm like, wait, that was like a thing. So I go back in and I was like, I do need help. And then she goes, okay. And then we go back to my room, we make out a little bit. And I'm like, again, enough for me, amazing, awesome.

I just love the implication that you went to the bathroom and realized you needed help and like earnestly came back and was like You know what I was confident. I could do it by myself, but I can't and I need help I'm asking for help is is you know the most mature masculine thing you can do in a situation like that And you know what I asked for that help and she gave it She kissed me on the lips and I said what a time what a night and then the next day there's a party at the hostel everybody's drunk everybody's drunk as hell drunk as fuck and then me and her

talk again she goes it's not going to happen again so get it out of your head oh and I was like okay not gonna happen again that's fine and then eventually we get drunker and then all of a sudden we're in Evan's room on a mattress on the floor and we're making out. And I've never, I mean, I just started kissing like a month before that. I don't know what's going on. You've gone zero to 60 from no kissing to kissing a German girl on a mattress on a floor in a fucking Italian hostel. It's, it's's got a skirt on and no panties, no panties. I go, what a world. And so I don't know what I'm doing exactly.

So I'm like, all right, well, you know, get in there. And so I just sort of like, I started like fingering her while she was on top of me pretty, I would say aggressively, too aggressively, just blast, just rocketed in there. And then next thing I know- Like you were searching for something. Yeah.

Trying to get in between the seat, the driver's seat and that space in between. Yeah, exactly. You drop a loose change, you're going around. Some money down between. Yeah, exactly. You drop it. You drop it. You drop some money down there. Yeah. Yeah. I dropped my chapstick in there. Yeah.

I just looking. And man, next thing I know, she's standing over me screaming, what did you do? And I go, I look down and my stomach is like covered in blood. Whoa. And she's like, she's bleeding all over the floor and she's like, what did you do? What did you do?

And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry. And I'm, she's like, you don't know what you're doing. And I was like, yeah, I know what I'm doing. I swear I know what I'm doing. She's like, you don't know what you're doing.

And then she stormed out and then I'm left there and there's blood all over the floor in my belly. And I go find my brother and I'm like, she's bleeding everywhere, man. And he's like drunk and he's like, I don't know what the fuck to do. So then my dumb ass, it's not my room that we were in. So I find her and I'm like, hey, I know that was bad,

but we gotta go clean up this blood. We? Like, I try to enlist. I try to enlist her to help me clean. I said, we. I'm not proud of this. And not the victim. Wow.

I didn't know. And did she help? Did we go back a little bit? She stayed in for a second while I had like a roll of paper towels that she just kept going, you don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you're doing. And I was like, I'm sorry. We have gone this entire story and we have not stepped back

and given you a round of applause for the dialect work that you're doing for this character. I got to tell you, we have had a lot of international characters appear in the stories featured on bad dates But you're the first one to do to really go full tilt accent with it And I really appreciate that about you Michael. So then eventually she leaves I find my brother again I'm like, what do I do? My brother's like go to bed, man You know, it's burned in there is the what did you do? It was crazy.

It's a little bit like, I'm sorry, but the more you do it, the it is verging on Miss Piggy territory. Like, especially on the what did you do? I just can imagine her being like, what did you do? Like, I just can imagine her being like, Kermie, what did you do? Yes. I go to bed, I wake up the next day, all this blood is pooled and congealed in my belly button. Like, my belly is still covered.

Just talk about waking up full of shame and just like, Jesus Christ. And then, anyway, next day, you know, we're kicking around the hostel in the afternoon, and I see her, and she's with her friends, and I'm like, hey, I'm so sorry. And she goes, no, no, it's not your fault. And I go, what? She goes, no, we talked to my friends's it's not your fault. And I go, okay. Well, Sorry, she goes, it's okay. It's not going to happen again, but okay, but then That night. No, we didn't hook up again. But I Was gonna die also, I'm not sure why she was bleeding but I think it was because I

Also, I'm not sure why she was bleeding, but I think it was because I... Fingered herself. Okay. That was the big mystery for me. You fingered too aggressively, and you gave her a finger is basically what you're saying. I thought so too, but then the way she was saying, it's not your fault, I thought maybe I had broken the...

Hymen? Well, I think, Michael, when she said, it's not your fault, is what she meant by that is, you were clearly put in a situation you should never have been put in. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Bad dates. I have loved every second of all of your stories. This has been an incredible assortment, I have to say. And all of them involving straight people finally, because we listened to the comments and people have been very confused about the influx. And I gotta say, I don't have anything to do

with the booking, this is just all three of my straight friends that came to hang out with me today, okay you guys? So I hope you're all happy now, you've gotten what you wanted, the day of Trump's inauguration, no more queer guests, only the straights will be appearing on bad dates.

That is the appropriate response. Just kidding, but it has been so fun to have you guys. Chappelle, where can people find you? Where can they look for you if they want to come and check you out live? Well, I'm still on TikTok, but at Chappelle Lazy on everything. Chappelle Lazy on everything. And that's S-H-A-P-E-L. Michael Rowland, where can people find you if they'd like to look you up after this? Yes, yes, yes. I'm michaelrowland0 underscore O on everything.

And also check out Animal Control on Fox Next Day on Hulu. Season 3 is showing now. Congrats, congrats, congrats. Nobody gets a season 3. So congratulations on that, congrats. Nobody gets a season three. So congratulations on that, Michael Rowland. Thank you, King. And finally, Natasha, where can the people find you if they would like to look you up

and support you and your work? They can find me at Natasha Vainblatt on everything. And then if they're in New York, I'm doing a brand new live show called Childless Freak. Love it. So come, come, come, come. Love it, love it, love it. Check that out for sure. Tasha, one of my favorite live performers in history of the world.

And with that, you guys, I'm Joel Kim Booster. You can find me online and I hate Joel Kim. If you've liked what you've heard this week, please give us a rating and a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you're listening to the podcast. Five stars, please. It helps people find the podcast. And wouldn't you want somebody to stumble upon these disgusting stories? I think so.

I think that's what everybody needs in this climate, quite frankly. We'll be back next week with more stories from the trenches. In the meantime, have a blessed day. Bye bye. Bad Dates is a production of Smart List Media, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devin Torrey-Brien. Produced by Ann Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana, executive producers are Sean Hayes,

Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushi and Eben Schleder. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates.

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