Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Chicken Fainter (w/ Laura Benanti, Zainab Johnson, and Sophie Buddle)

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Laura Benanti, Zainab Johnson and Sophie Buddle to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Laura’s people-pleasing leads to a date she will Never Forget, Zainab learns she has “lose your mind” beauty, and the panel discover just how high Sophie’s red flag threshold was set. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Laura Benanti: No Hard Feelings, The Gilded Age, Nobody Cares taping at the Minetta Lane Theatre in NYC Feb 2-4.Zainab Johnson: New special Hijabs Off, Upload, @zainabjohnson on social mediaSophie Buddle: @sophbuds on social mediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I was only choosing dates from people that were already obsessed with me. And that's like the pool that I was pulling from because it's like why put all my eggs into a basket that is not even... No, but I love an echo chamber. My dad says you have to go through all the seasons, all the seasons before you actually know somebody. And he's a therapist, so. Oh wow. He knows everything. Wow.

Yeah. Being advised to hear from your dad. dad well what if you live in LA where there's no season yeah So good. Oh, I'm so happy to have you here. I really appreciate anyone who's willing to bear their soul about the story of love and lust and dating and shagging and all of it. Before we get into everyone's stories, I always love to get a sense of you. And so,

let's start with Sophie. Sophie, how do you feel about dating? Are you good at it? Do you enjoy it? I'm pretty extroverted. I do enjoy it, but I've been dating my boyfriend for seven years. And so, all of my crazy stories are from like late teens, early 20s. And I just really hold on to them. I'm now glad that I was behaving with no regard to my health so that I have some stories still to discuss with my friends. Because my boyfriend's just very peaceful. He doesn't have very many red flags.

He has some obviously, but enough that I'm willing to look past to continue our relationship. But I definitely had no sense of my surrounding obviously, but enough that I'm willing to look past to continue our relationship. But I definitely had no sense of my surroundings or safety as a young woman. And so all of my early relationships reflect that. Cool, cool, cool, cool. And did you enjoy the process? Did you like someone getting to know you for the first time?

Were you able to be authentic? Did you have to put on a mask? I don't know if I was able to be authentic, but because I'm a stand-up, I do like an audience. And I think a date is a pretty captive audience. So they laugh at your jokes, they ask you questions. I mean, not the bad ones, obviously. But as a stand-up, it's just kind of,

you know, you tell your stories, you see, got some stuff in the bank. It's, I think it's hard to like connect and be super authentic and yourself with everyone because you don't know what their vibe is unless you're dating a comic, which you also should not do, obviously, for obvious reasons. What about you, Zainab? Do you enjoy it? You get it?

Well, one, I totally agree with Sophie. Dates are like, can be like open mics, you know? And maybe open mic, the ends in marriage, I don't know. Yeah, honestly though, I'm approved. Like, I'm like a prude. Like my friend sent me a video of like lizards having sex this morning. And I was like, what? How did you know?

I can't watch sex scenes in films. I can't, I have to fast forward. I even when I'm alone, because I just don't know what to do. I don't know what face to make. I don't know sex scenes in films. I can't, I have to fast forward. I even when I'm alone, because I just don't know what to do. I don't know what face to make. I don't know, it feels so inappropriate. I have a face I had to design for like when I'm watching like,

if I'm in a cinema and I get surprised with the sex scene, like when I was watching Oppenheimer, I just had to go with a... It's presidential, it's hopeful. It is, it's diplomat. It doesn't. It's like it aroused. I'm not disappointed. I'm happy for them. I'm just sort of like, huh. I'm not sure I've been working with. As the viewer of you experiencing that, you can really project anything you need onto that face. That's true. It's a canvas. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm also approved. Yeah, I went to that face. That's true. Yeah. It's a canvas. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm also approved. Yeah, I went to that that I'm Broadway show about baseball and all the. Oh, um, penis. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. And I didn't take me out. Take me out. They took them out. They did. I did not know. I think my friend and I when we went, we were the only two people who had no idea we would be seeing. Can I say Dix or should I say penis? Please say Dix. I already said Dix. I had no idea. That's how much of a prude I am. Can I say Dix?

I call sex, do it. Oh, whatever. It's Broadway, right? So people are sitting there looking at those Dix dignified. You know, with that exact face that you gave us, I dated one of those dicks. Did you? Yeah, in the original production. I dated the catcher's dick.

Oh, congratulations. I actually have a horrible story about him that I can tell. So I guess that made me use the pitcher. I was the pitcher. I was also the catcher. Also, I was mostly the catcher, really. But yes, and you are right.

When you are in a Broadway, I do a lot of Broadway. And when you are just there in a theater, you're like, I'm just gonna politely serenely look at a bunch of decks. I just don't know what to do. It's just too much. You did it. Middle distance.

Middle distance, please. I'm what about you, Laura? How do you feel about dating? Well, I, um, I've been married now for eight years, but I've technically been married for 20 because I've been married three times. I'd love it if you had another secret husband. No, no, thank you. Um, I haven't made my third and final husband is incredible, but I was such like a people pleaser as a young person. I have not been single since I was 14 years old, not for more than like a month,

like a pathological need to, I guess I have not leave someone until you'd found someone to jump to, you a ship jumper? You know what it is, no, not that, but I approached someone wanting me like being drafted into the army, where I was like, I don't want this, but I'm gonna fulfill my duty to my country and I'm gonna take an injury,

and I'm gonna get home as quickly as I can. Bad gates. Hey, I'm Aresha and I'm Brooke. And we're the hosts of Wundery's Podcast, even the rich, where we bring you absolutely true and absolutely shocking stories about the most famous families and biggest celebrities the world has ever seen. Our newest series is all about the Royal Spare Prince Harry. Stalked by grief and terrorized by the press, he grew up as the black sheep of the British

Royal family, but when he finally pushes through his stoic exterior and lets his feelings in, he'll have to make a choice he never thought he'd face. In our series, Prince Harry, Windsor of Change, we'll tell you how Harry discarded years of tradition to find the happiness he always craved. Follow even the rich on the Wendery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge even the rich and Prince Harry Windsor of Change early and add free right now on Wondery Plus. Even if you read all the books, there is very little that can prepare you for parenthood. But sometimes you can find something that gives you a little insight. From Wondery, I love my kid, but shares hilarious stories and anecdotes about parenting that are actually relatable.

Like when a friend asks you to do something at 6 p.m. on a weeknight. Here's a clip from an episode is dinner three hours at your I notice that when I have company over and we have a dinner party that is about the time Oh, okay, and I really want everyone to leave no later than 6 30 or 7 And only the people without kids are like kind of clueless and I'm like you don't understand like it's bedtime now and it is you don't want to see this. You don't want to see this. And I don't want you to see this. Some horrors are about that. They are the boss. She is the boss of us. And I don't want you to see that.

Listen to I Love My Kid But on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to I Love My Kid But and ad-free on Wondry Plus. Okay, so Laura, I would love to get into your story first. It's called, Laura, you're makes. It's intense. I was about 20 years old and I was dating a guy for about six weeks and I of course had a lower back tattoo of the Asian symbol for warrior because it was the year 2000. It was from your time in Gatel. Exactly. It was so strong.

And so I had this like little small, you know, lower back tattoo. By the way, did it actually say warrior? Who knows? I probably said dog or root. I don't even know what it's like. And it's horrible cultural appropriation. And I apologize deeply. But at the time, it felt like what I needed. Yeah.

And so we've been dating for, I don't know, like month, six weeks. He shows up at this restaurant and is just acting super weird. I was like, are you okay? He lifts up his shirt to show me a giant version of that tattoo also on his lower back. Wait, had he got his separately or had he got his to match you? He got it to match mine. What? Clearly he was in pain. That's what, right? That's right. He was like, yeah. He was like, wincing until fun and I wait Sorry, so he saw you'll tattoo and then decided to get a matching one 10 times size correct Correct and six amazing a month to six famous now and I'm not gonna tell you a name

Be looking for this tattoo. Okay, so a friend of mine sent me a screenshot the other day a freeze frame of a show He's on and she was like he has not gotten rid of that motherfucking tattoo. He still has it. I covered mine up with a butterfly immediately. I was like, I gotta cover that with a different God's day. I know you want to say this on the record. He's going to change his tool butterfly now too. God, you're right. A huge one. It's going to be three dimensions of action. You want flattered. I mean, it was what, a month into knowing you? Yeah, I was like, I don't think we should do this anymore. Yeah, this doesn't feel good, but then he asked me to marry him. Cool, how soon-

But can I just stop? Yes, please. Soapies. Love bombing. To correct. Yes. Love bombing. Yeah, it would be flattered by that. So, I would like that. Everyone's very worried about Sophie.

I'm not like no. I'm cave. I'm trapped. I'm here to give people there now. Yeah, I... So this is the thing I was... I don't think I expressed well earlier. I would see all of these signs and think I just don't have the option. That's crazy person. How soon did he all ask you to marry him? Pretty soon. I was like, I don't think we should see each other anymore. He was like, oh, but I love you,

I love you. Like a couple of weeks, a few weeks. And then he asked me, I don't want to see you anymore. He's like, okay, well, you're going to have to see me at the wedding. Correct. That's going to be awkward. Correct. But so because I'm a people pleaser, and I assumed that this man would rather think that I was dying than think I didn't want to be

with him immediately upon him asking me to marry him. I said, I have cancer. And I need to go through this alone. And I don't know what my endgame was. My funeral? I honestly don't know. And I really am truly sorry if this is offensive to people. I was 20 years old.

But ink from the back tattoo had penetrated. It had to have spined and made her brain. Right when it came out of my mouth,, when it came out of my mouth, right when it came out of my mouth, I was like, tell him that's not true. And then I was like, what kind of psychopath says, I have cancer just kidding, I don't have cancer. So I had to keep going.

I walked around New York City with a curcif on my head. No. Or like six weeks, yes I did. I did do that. I mean, I think you're already in the business of doing cultural appropriation with the tattoo, but as well, do cancer appropriation too. I like it. It was a bit of a hat on a house.

So I need to know, offer to look off to you when you did it. And I was like, I need to do this alone. I can't do this to you. Bubble, bubble, bubble. So we now have been broken up for, you know, two months. And I've started to be like, okay, he's obviously forgotten about me. One day I'll tell him, but like, not right now, I'm 20 years old, whatever. So this wasn't like July of 2001. So in September of 2001, I wake up to like a banging on my door early in the morning, and I

open the door and it's him. And he like looks past me. Well, first of all, I look at my like beautiful, healthy hair and it's like, huh, and then looks past me to see another dude in my presumably deathbed. Is she a doctor? Yeah, it's my doctor looking after me. And it was, it was 9-11. So the day that I was caught in the worst, most psychotic lie I have ever told in my entire life.

The Taliban had done something worse. So I mean truth. And yeah, my personal 9-11 was actual 9-11. Oh my God. And what had he come to your house? That's also the best distraction. Like what's happening here? Do you see the towers?

But then the three of us just stood there watching the TV like, oh man, well. What daddy, come, why did he come to your house? To rescue me. Oh, wow. To rescue me. And then he called my mom from a pay phone to tell her that I was okay.

And that also that I told him I can't. Oh, my God. First he was like, is that a wig? And I was like, yes. And then I just burst into tears. I was like, I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, I just didn't want to hurt your feelings. And that was the truth.

And that's what the sickness of people pleasing had rotted my core to the point where I was like, you would rather think that I was dying than I just didn't like you. Did he leave you a gift that day? Wasn't there a gift? Yes, he had been, oh my God, a camp. Leave, I forgot this part.

He had been making a bust, a clay bust of my head. He had been carving out. And then I just, he a sculptor? No, he's an actor. He wasn't a working actor then though, right? This is a lot of time. No, no, this is all my work. Okay, he was just starting.

He was just starting. I actually dated so many men who like immediately upon a calculation became famous that my friend started calling my vagina the portal to greatness. Yeah. And I also have another friend like that. I kept that greatness for myself. Mm-hmm.

What if? Totally. Should have gone down on yourself. I should have. 100%. Maybe that's maybe the trick. Hold on everybody. You and Nielska, we're gonna fucking know what you did. Alright, we're gonna know you had your ribs removed and that you put a very naughty girl. We'll

be right back. Hey y'all, it's your girl Kiki Palmer, your favorite quadruple threat actor, singer, dancer, and my new role, podcaster. My podcaster, baby, this is Kiki Palmer, it's blowing up y'all, because every episode I bring on an icon. Like when John Stamos and I talked about internet trolls heading on Disney adults, or when Jordan Pills explained why we love scary movies, even though the world is already creepy as fuck.

Too many to learn a little and laugh a lot, because your girl keeps it real. Listen all Wondery Plus, join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. I'm way back. Zaynab. Yes. Tell me the story of First Floor Window.

Tell me the story of First Floor Window. I'm a first, I would say, never live on the first floor because it makes you too accessible. It does, and you won't ever know that until someone pops up at your door. So I went on a date with this guy who it was a set up, like a friend in college set me up with this guy. She felt like we would, I don't know, he was her friend, she was my friend, she felt like we might like each other. And I went on the date and I didn't like him. He wasn't terrible or whatever, but I just wasn't like, I didn't like him. And I felt at the time, like, okay, I'll pass it to you, Laura. I'm like, I am, I'm a college student. I'm going to be

a woman in the world. So I need to start making. I need to start making mature decisions. He expressed that he enjoyed the date and wanted to continue to date me. And so I said, enjoyed the date and wanted to continue to date me. And so I said, I am not interested in dating you. I'm not interested in you romantically. And so I'm like, but thank you so much for the date. You know, take care, whatever. So, you know, I'm thinking he's accepting that. So one day I'm in my apartment,

and he's calling me or texting some stuff, trying to get in touch with me and I finally pick up and I'm like, hey, what's going on? And he was like, hey, I really need to talk to you. And I was like, okay, well, when do you want to meet or something like that? And he was like, well, I'm outside.

No. And at that moment, at that moment, I turned it up. He even though when you lived, because I lived, like I didn't live too far off campus. And so I think after the day he may have walked me home. Fuck. Yeah. I think, I think that's what it was.

So he went outside your window. He's outside my window just like, you know, like, hey, and you know, men may really have the goal. Like, you know, I've had men try to ask me out with like literal shit running down their leg, you know. We really? We're, I mean, real shit. I live in LA, so homeless men, oh, okay,

definitely think they have a chance. Literal shit, but women, we can look as close to perfection as possible and still feel self-conscious and still feel like maybe I shouldn't approach and maybe I shouldn't do this. But man, I would have never shown up to a guy's hat. Unless I'm like crazy and unless I know I'm about to slice the sheets, keep the card, you understand?

And that sort of rage, that's the only way I'm showing up. Like I know you don't want me here, F that, right? But he showed up like, like, yeah, like, you know, there's no problem with this. So I think that if I wasn't on the first floor and he said, like, oh, I was outside, then I may have been able to like, fake it and be like, oh, well, outside, then I may have been able to fake it and be like, oh, well, damn, I'm not home.

But it's like, he's just looking in my window, looking at me, we're looking at each other. And so I let him go and terrified. Why did you let him in your house? Have you never seen S for you? My good God. I got it. I would have let him in too.

I would have let him in. I've been learning nothing. It's my favorite show and it was probably playing in a minute. I mean, nothing. It's my favorite show, and it was probably playing in the background. I know. I know. If my friend was telling me the story, I would have been like, girl, why would you let him?

I know better than that. I don't, I think it's because I really did think that this guy was like both non-threatening, but also just like, well, this must be really dire or urgent, because who comes to someone's window, right? If anyone is listening, no, okay? No. I also felt like maybe anybody else walking by

if he did something I'd have witnesses, like you can just see into my apartment. That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking. I'm thinking, yes, it's dangerous, but if he can get in so easily, so can the police. No one's as nice as you, so thin.

No, no. I'm putting everybody on being a part. Okay, so you let him do your house. The possibility of murder is not even the worst part to me. So he tells me that he got my message and that he believes that I am, he tells me that he likes me so much and he believes that I am so insecure,

that I can't recognize when a person likes me. And if I can recognize it, I'm unwilling to accept it. So when he says that, when he tells me that I was too insecure to accept him liking me, the psycho Bible of it. I think go in. I take a deep breath too, because I know I'm about to not breathe for a couple of, you know, for good on a word.

And I go in and I tell him everything. I'm like, I don't like you. I don't want to see you. Your breath's thing. I mean, I like no, I like, you know, like everything that you can possibly say, I'm on like, you know, like you showed up in my window,

you could every insult that I could throw at him after we were at him. Write at the height of my insults, he faint. Oh, my God. He faint. You killed him. It's a murder twist that we didn't see coming. He faints. No. I didn't know what to do, right? Because I'm like, at

this point, I'm in this like, like, kind of shock and disbelief. And so I'm now rating. I'm that type of person like as things are happening, I'm like, oh my God, are you fainting? Well, what do I do? Like, I'm saying it all out loud, right? So then I open up my freezer, because I fainting? Well, what do I do? Like, I'm saying it all out loud, right? So then I open up my freezer because I'm in this very small apartment. So where we're standing, my freezer is not even armed length away from me.

So I open up my freezer and I grab like some frozen chicken because I'm like, I don't have ice. You know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, I get what I'm gonna use to chicken the chicken is frozen, right? Right? As I'm turning to him to give him the chicken, I realize that he fake fainted.

How do you like that? What? One, he didn't just, I fainted before twice in my life, he didn't just give out. He politely took a knee. Like he went down and he went to the window slow-voking. You know, when they can't do the full death drop. Yeah.

But then, when I said, you want the chicken, he, his, his head, his face was at an angle where I could see him open one eye. You know when you peak, you know you're playing dead as a kid and you just peak to see if the person's like, that's what he did. Oh my God. Did you freak out when he peaked? I said, oh my God, did you fake fake? I was more offended at the fake thing than anything. It's like now, I don't even care that you said

I was insecure, you dramatic. Like it was insane. It was like, you I was insecure, like you dramatic, like it was. It's insane. It was like, say no, but you're so insecure. You don't think you can make me faint for real. Like you're making it up. Did he admit to it? Okay, so when I said, did you fake faint? When I said, did you fake faint?

And then I said, which was probably the most insulting for him, I said, give me my chicken. Don't waste my chicken. I said, my chicken my chicken, don't waste my chicken. I'll put my chicken back in the freezer. And he just kinda looked up, like he didn't say yes, I fake fainted, but he kinda looked up like, you got me. Oh my God.

I guess I'm called Christ. And he got up like slowly, and I was just looking like it was the most unmask-yling thing I had ever experienced in my life. And I started going with the wind. Yes. Do you know what I mean? The maiden who fainted just then,

they're taken in for several days. And then during that time, the whole family falls in love with her and then she becomes part of the, it's very sleeping beauty. That was that was never going to happen. I couldn't even really give him a first aid kit. You know, and I and I wasn't interested.

But then after that, I just was like, could you imagine that relationship? I know. Could you imagine it? What did he think was going to happen? I think he thought as she said he think was going to happen? I think he thought, as she said, it was going to be like a gone and, you know, gone with the wind moment. I think he would say that you would

nurse him back to life and then you would feel love for him. Oh, my God. He's just gotten all the wrong advice in his life, doesn't he? Yeah. It's such a slow death. This whole act from him, this, this This this, it's just too much. The cringes are like burning through me. Yeah, I would have showed up.

If I was, if I was going to knock on your first floor window, I would have definitely showed up with a different game plan. Like, you know, I would have never been, okay, like, cause I'm just, I always imagine people pre-gaming with their friends. Like, okay, you're going to show up and convince her that she likes you. And what if she still does it?

I don't know. I'm going to think, and if it goes wrong, I'm going to think. Yeah. But here's the twist. So once I graduated college, I packed up my car and drove from New York to LA and guess who drove with me. No. What?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why when who how what? I wasn't in contact with him. I think the friend who tried to hook us up. I was like, yeah, my mom can't so I think I'm going to have to drive by myself. And she's like, call so and so.

He'll drive. Oh my god, bring some chicken. He was already outside your window. He's like, I can drive, I'm fine. He was in the car, like, I'm in waiting. He just entered the bad guy chat, Zainab now. We now have another criminal. Wait, it's so funny.

I need to understand everything. So you drove across the country with chicken fainter? And what was it like? Honestly, I can't really remember it because we, we, it took, we drove so fast, I dropped him off in Vegas. Um, okay. He, we, we took eight hour shifts in eye drove. He slept or, you know, and when he drove, I slept. And so there wasn't a bunch of communication. How could you sleep? This is the strength of not that I've ever wanted.

I hope you said that with one eye open. This was like a few, this was like at least like two years later probably, you know. Just to go back to the original date, just quickly, because I just wanna know how it ended. So how did it end? Like you've busted him for fake fainting. He's kind of shrugged. Did he just get up and leave? After I say for fake fainting. He's kind of shrugged.

Did he just get up and leave? After I said you fake fainting, oh, I can't waste my chicken. After I said that, he looked, I think he realized, oh, I don't even wanna be in a relationship with her. Why? Because she won't even give me her frozen chicken. If I, like I I think he kind of look like, whoa.

Oh, yeah, you're not the one for my antics, you know? This whole thing is the world's creepiest lifetime movie I've ever had. Oh, man, I'm never going on a date with you ever. I'm just... I think it's a situation where they now have you're so beautiful. Yes, I know.

They truly are just absolutely willing to threaten to kill themselves at any moment. They agree with you again. I agree. And I honestly, I agree with them. You're so pretty. 100%. Yeah, you got it. I had news your mind, beauty.

Yeah, it's just. That's how we got her on this episode. I texted her. I was like, I'm going to kill myself. And let's do it. Me too. Yeah. And we were willing to do it.

Laura told her the cancer had come back. Yeah, and we were willing to do it. Laura told her the cancer had come back. Yeah, yeah, I'm not feeling well. That's all I know. We'll be right back. And we're back. Sophie, tell me your story. It is called Battle Rapper. So I had just dated. I had moved to Vancouver, like on my 18th birthday. I was already, I had been doing stand-up for quite a few years. I entered the stand-up scene in Vancouver. And then I was like dating a comic that was like 11 years older than me, kind of one of the big, big ones around town.

We've all done it. We date, I have a horrible drama relationship for like two years. I then, that was my only adult relationship, really, because it was like high school, I did date adult comedians then as well. That's for a different, that's just so. Wait, they never do that sort of thing.

I know, I'm the first one. To me. I just stopped Priscilla at last night. And I was like, at least he was the king of rock or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, at least he wasn't just a big comic around town, how embarrassing. Anyway, I date this comic for two years.

We break up, it's very messy. And I'm in a very chaotic place, monthly. This right now is me very stable, just to give you an idea of more stable. More stable. Yeah. And I go on Tinder. This is like early Tinder, I think Tinder had just started.

And I went on a couple of weird dates and then I found a guy that one of our mutual friends was the ex that I had just broken up with. And then this is a drama relationship. There was a lot of emotions involved. And so I was like, this will hurt him if I'm dating one of his friends. So that's fun. And so we, on our first date, we meet up.

He's a battle rapper. That's why that's the title of the story. Oh, darling. It's kind of hard for stand up comics to find someone that gets what we do. Exactly. You're out always at night, you're gone every weekend. Like it's not a really great schedule.

And so Battle Rapper, I'm thinking someone else sort of in the art question mark as much as stand up as an art, Battle Rapper can be an art as you're juggling, you know, it's all the same level. And so we meet, we go out for lunch and I find out that he is a criminal. Not a red flag for me. We're just getting to know each other.

I'm hearing what he does. You know what I mean? I said what I do. He's a criminal and I first. A criminal because it's like, that's a wide spectrum. That's a good call. Yeah. So all I found out at the beginning of the day was that he had been to prison.

And for me, that's fine. I'm in a weird place in my life. You've been to prison. I've been to Cuba. We've both been places. And then, you know, we're walking around, we go get another snack, we're smoking a joint or something. And then I ask, you know, oh, so what kind of crime did you do that led to your prison travels? And he tells me that he stabbed somebody. And I am still like cool, right? So when you're young, you just don't want to seem like it's naive to be phased by anything. Do you know what I mean? I think that's totally what it is. And I come off a little suburbany, but I am poor.

Like we grew up in a very dangerous neighborhood on our street. Like my mom and I growing up on our street, there was a huge explosion, like meth lab in the basement. We woke up and the house was just a black sponge on the floor. There was a dog fighting ring. I'm crying, does not stick out to me as dangerous. It's just for me that's fine.

And so we're talking more and yeah, I find out that he stabbed somebody with self-defense because somebody had tried to stab him. Okay. And then he stabbed them. Okay. And it sounds like he stabbed them better because he went to jail.

Exactly. I mean, I believe the guy died. Like I, I, I was, I was, you know, somebody, play for the games, win city prizes. Okay. Go on. Yeah. Listen to his reps to find out. Yeah. I'll send them to you. They're on YouTube. I remember my friends, my friends just sending them to me. And I'm like, yeah, I think that this is good. My friends are sending to them to me to thinking that's so funny to make fun of it. I'm like, thanks for I think that this is good. My friends are sending to them to me to thinking that's so funny, to make fun of it. I'm like, thanks for the good music.

It's not. You know. So many people are trying to answer me. So be the optimist. The thing is, I'm saying this all as a bad date, because obviously you don't want to date somebody that's murdered somebody, but to me it didn't stick out as particularly bad.

We had a nice time. We went on to date for about a year after that. Sophie, I admire your persistence with your rapper boyfriend at the time. You dated him for a year and I feel like there's a good split here of a very intolerant Zaynab and myself and then two very tolerant people in Sophie and Laura. And you know what, we need all of us to balance out the universe. Beautiful. Absolutely. We can meet in the middle. Bad dates.

Before you, lovely human beings leave, I would just like to share an email you received from someone we're going to call Matthew. So I was at the gym one day and I noticed an incredibly cute guy checking me out. I'd noticed him before, but it never made a move because I didn't know his orientation and I'm not someone with enough confidence to walk up to a stranger without knowing if they're gay already. He approached me in the changing room and introduced himself and asked if I lived nearby and wanted to go back to my place. I wasn't used to men being so direct, especially guys this cute. It had also been a few months that I'd been intimate with anyone,

so I jumped at the chance. We get back to my place and begin falling around. And as attractive as he was, we didn't really seem to have any sexual chemistry. Our vibes were just off, but I'd come this far and figured, might as well carry on. So we go into my bedroom and he asks,

I don't know. I've never seen this before. That was a first question. Do you kiss ass? Oh, I replied to you. I'm sorry, what? And he said, kiss ass. He said again, and pointed at his butt. So I realized he was asking if I wanted a rim job, and I said no, because I just worked out and hadn't thoroughly showered. He then asked if I would give him one, and I said no, for the same reason.

He then took two fingers, rubbed them on his asshole, smelled them, and said, all good. I was taking it back. I didn't know what to say. I've never been in this predicament. I've never even seen anyone do that. I mean, I don't think anyone's ever seen someone do that.

Typically a guy won't ask you or let you go back there and that he is sure that it's as clean as a whistle or you're both in the same page and that's your kink. I'm ashamed to admit this. I reluctantly went down there. Wow. As I was chowing down, don't use the word chown. No.

As I was chowing down, I felt something. Oh no, Jumila, are you gonna keep reading? As I was chowing down, I felt something. No, stop. I immediately got up, went to the bathroom and spat in the sink. No. No.

They're staring back at me with a tiny bit of toilet paper. No, okay. No. Okay. No. I thought it was gonna be poop. I'll take toilet paper. It's not poop.

It's not not poop. You don't put toilet paper there for the fucking victorious, bunge cake that you're holding up there. Oh my God, I began to gag and he've and told him that I wasn't really in the mood anymore and he said, really, I'm so funny. No!

Is there a question? Oh, why? There's no question. It's just a story for you all to delight in, because we just like to make sure that your day's ruined. That your birthday's ruined. Yeah, we like to make sure. This is what you should be doing.

That your day has been officially ruined. Oh, mate, I'm so sorry that happened. What a filthy bastard. And also, how did he not collect that when he put his two fingers inside of himself? It is a fucking jungle out there sometimes. Well done for all of us for being alive. But you know what guys are so competitive?

We were like, here's our bad date. Here's our bad date. And he was like, have you ever... He asked you to shut. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Everyone, I'm sorry. Thank you for your wonderful stories.

Thank you for joining me today. You've been such a delight before you go. Will you tell everyone where they can find you, Zainab? Yeah. Oh, please, everyone check out my special on Prime Video. It's called Hijab's Off. It's so good. It's so good.

Thank you, thank you. You can also watch me on upload, which is also on Prime Video. It's the number one comedy there. And if you want to follow me or check me out on social media, it's Zaynab Johnson, Z-A-I-N-A-B Johnson. Yeah, thank you. And my website has all the dates

if you want to see if I'm coming to a city near you. She's so good. Sophie? Check out my website isaynabjohnson.com. That's where you can support me by supporting Zaynab. Check out Zaynab's don't tell set. Also, if you want to support me, your special is so good, by the way.

Another criminal in the family, Zaynab's father, shout out to him. That's who I dated, just kidding. Right in the back. Oh my God. But I didn't know he was a battle rapper. Yeah, I don't know. But my Instagram is so fuzz, and I post lots of pictures of Zaynab. Oh my god, I didn't know he was a battle rapper. Yeah! I'm not gonna lie.

But my Instagram is so fuzz and I post lots of pictures of St. Nob so you can find that there as well. Great, fabulous. And Laura, you can watch me right now in No Hard Feelings with Jennifer Lawrence on Netflix and on the Guilded Age for I guess they're just calling it Max now. And then I wrote a show for Audible that'll be at the Menetalaine Theatre live February 2, 3 and 4 but

then they're gonna stream it on their platform TBD so check that out it's all original songs comedy songs and like a 75-minute show where I talk a lot about all the stupid shit I did when I was young. Fabulous, we love it so much. You're all a dream, thank you so much for coming, love you lots, they say fout there. Thank you! Bad dates is produced by smartness media and Wundery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Dmitri Jamil. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant.

Also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnet, Jason Baseman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartness Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more Or bad dates. Oh, excuse me.

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