Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Donkey Crotch (w/ Sean Patton, Chelsea Devantez, and Scott Thompson)

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Sean Patton, Chelsea Devantez, and Scott Thompson to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Sean asks her out for the bit but he’s the one who gets nibbled, Chelsea becomes a prisoner of the bit with the wrong kind of artist, and Scott’s failed Fort Lauderdale hook up becomes a bit he can monetize. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Sean Patton: Opening for David Cross this fall, tickets and info at MeSeanPatton.com, English Teacher on FXChelsea Devantez: Glamorous Trash podcast, @chelseadevantez on InstaScott Thompson: FUBAR on Netflix, new Mouth Congress album and new Buddy Cole show in the fall, find info, links, and tickets at NewScottlandland.com Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes.

Smart, last, me-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- because he was like, I went into the urinals to try and pee and this guy was just like kneeling by one of the urinals and he was, it was so creepy and he wanted me to pee on him and I was like so freaked out, I just peed in the urinal and I was like, dude, it means nothing to you. It means everything to him. Just pee on him. Bad Dates Bad Dates Hello, hello, hello and welcome to another episode of Bad Dates. I'm your host Joel Kim Booster And yeah, I sound a little sexier than normal today And that is because I had a good weekend,

not like a fucking nerd like some of my guests today who have incredibly sultry sounding voices. You're just gonna have to deal with it today, guys. You're gonna have to deal with it. This is how I sound like today. And it may not sound quality-wise incredible, but the content is fire as always. I promise you.

So as some of you may know, this is Bad Dates, brought to you by SmartLiz Media. And today we're gonna bring you yet another panel of incredible guests who are gonna share some of their worst dating stories with you. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and hopefully you'll learn. Before we dive into that, I do have a little bit of listener mailed,

somebody who is in need of some advice. This email is from Sophie. Bad dates. I just had a first date with a guy who I was really into. We ended up back in my place where we had sex for about half an hour. It was like a crossfit workout, and we were both drenched in sweat. I came really

close to an orgasm, but we stopped after he came. Not ideal, but I still had a really good time. Then as we were cuddling afterward, he asked me how I would rate it from a scale of 1 to 10. I asked him to answer and he said no, you first. I said it was a nine because I did actually enjoy it. He said, huh, I would say it was about a seven plus the fuck after I said nine and what the hell is the plus about? Am I being graded? I was into him until the seven plus bullshit. I can't get over it. And I have been ghosting him ever since. What do you think? Um, I have a lot of thoughts here, Sophie. I really do. I think this speaks volumes about the sort of collective trauma that straight women has been put through in this country. I'd like to co-sign that as well.

And maybe even the world over, because the fact that you didn't come and you still gave him a nine, what curve are we grading on here, Sophie? You need to respect yourself and if ever given the opportunity to grade a man again when you have not come, it needs to be a failing grade, my friend, okay? Because listen, I understand that it's not always about the orgasm and the journey, not the destination, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But on the first date, if you're having acrobatic, athletic sex, why are you sweating and not coming? This is an injustice. And you should have immediately revoked your grade when he said seven plus and downgraded him immediately. I think ghosting is perfectly appropriate because this man is a sociopath.

I don't know what the plus means. I don't know what sort of extra credit activity you gave him in terms of your body and your sex, but the plus is creepy. And I think you need to run. And I think ghosting is in fact the nicest thing you could do in this situation. But I'm not the only person weighing in here today.

I again, as previously mentioned, have a panel of incredibly funny guests today. And I'm so excited about all of them. This first one, he's so funny. I've traveled the world with him. I've seen the man hold a koala bear, which is, you know, disgusting. I don't hold it against him though. Please welcome Sean Patton, comedian, currently performing on the Material Tour, and his special number one is streaming on Peacock.

Hello, Sean. Hi, how are you? I am, you know, alive. We also have Chelsea Devantes, an Emmy nominated writer and comedian, host of the podcast Glamorous Trash, whose new book, I Shouldn't Be Telling You This, but I'm Going To Anyway, is out now.

Hi, Chelsea. Hi, I have to tell you, if this happened to me, I would have been like, oh, I thought we were grading our own performances, so I gave myself a nine. So smart. That was classic niggin'. And finally, we have a legend in the studio with us today. Truly someone that has been making me laugh And finally, we have a legend in the studio with us today.

Truly someone that has been making me laugh since I was in my 30s, way back then, those days. He is so funny and such an inspiration. Please welcome Scott Thompson, actor, author, and comedian from the legendary sketch group, Kids in the Hall. Hello, Scott. Hello, everyone. You know, I was just thinking, I should start having sex with women

because their standards are so low. And I'm at that age when I don't wanna be rated. So I think that if I started fucking women again, I might start, you know, getting better reviews. Women again? Women again? Oh, I used to when I was young No, but just the way you said

My history of heterosexuality, no, no, no, we totally believe that I'm gonna start fucking women just in general virgin So this is great for me. Have you have any of you ever been asked this before? I'm a virgin, so this is great for me. Have any of you ever been asked this before? What? Yes. Like some sort of grading scale? 100%. Wait, this isn't happening with other people?

That's so crazy, Chelsea. Because that is active shooter behavior. Yeah. If someone is doing that, you need to run. It's also comedian behavior. So when you fuck around with comedians, they have just really crushingly low self-esteem and they want to be rated.

Oh, have you had sex, do you have sex with a lot of comedians, Chelsea? Which is very sad for me, I did. Now I've locked it down with one. You know what? I did live out the like straight male standup road dog dream way back when where I fucked my opener once in Indiana.

And. Wow, good for you. Yeah, no, it was beautiful. I felt so powerful. I felt like I don't know John Mulaney, you know, it was incredible I was LARPing. I feel that I could fuck John Mulaney He gives gayer vibes than me and I find it really unfair I think you could have at a time, but not now that he's sober. Now that he's sober? I should have gone for him when he was doing coke, right?

Exactly. Bad Dates Bad Dates Sean Hatton, you're up first. Take it away. So the story I want to tell happened 19 years ago in the late summer in New Orleans, Louisiana. I was a young comic open mic'er and one of my fellow open mic'ers was a full-time strip club DJ. So yeah, so he had that like, you know, that perfect voice for like, ladies and gentlemen,

oh shit, rip out your ralettes, here comes Lady Macbeth. You know, he had that. That's a good stripper. Wait, there's a stripper named Lady Macbeth? Like, let's all go. Yeah, I'm there for it. All of these strippers would come to this one open mic every Tuesday in New Orleans at a place called

True Brew Cafe, which no longer exists. Point being, there would be all of these off-duty strippers there. And they would hang out afterwards and buy drinks because in a city like New Orleans back then, they made really great money. And I asked one of them out, her name was Marguerite, and I remember I asked her out for the sole purpose

of knowing she was going to say no. Because the young comic mindset where you're like, I have to just destroy any semblance of a happy life in order to be funny in the first place, correct? Do it for the day. Right, so I'm gonna ask her out, she's gonna say no, my 24 year old self, I'm gonna be humiliated, and I'll write a bit about it.

Get funnier. Right, exactly. And I'm gonna a bit about it. And she funnier. Right. And I'm going to get so fucking funny. She's going to rue the day. She's going to just she's going to say, no, it's going to hurt so bad. But God is going to kill. But she said, yes, surprisingly so. And we met up the next night at a bar and started having drinks.

And it was one of those like almost immediately. She was a red flag almost immediately, someone's like presenting themselves as, Oh, you're going to be, this is going to get weird because she shook my hand, then looked at my finger and then bit it just a little too hard. Right? Right. This is within like, like, Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Marguerite. And I did like the hand, then the hug. Then when I, when we came away, she still had my hand. She looks at my face and says, this is a cute little pudgy finger.

And just bit it. Just a little too hard. In her defense, you do have tasty little thingies. I do, right? I really do. God, also like, I bet that had worked so many other times and she's just got the one guy. Like so many other guys were probably like,

I'm gonna buy you a car. And you were like, ew. There is an assumption there. It's like, oh, look at me put something of yours in my mouth. Oh yeah, Cosmo told me to do that 16 different ways every issue, but then just have his finger fall in your mouth and he'll think it's like, you're sucking his dick.

And whichever finger you bite, that's the result you're gonna get. Yeah, and call it pudgy. He'll love it No, dude, but I remember this she was drinking chartreuse, which is a choice a drink. I think You know What is it fermented specifically for people who want to die of alcoholism? It's a it's a harsh Harsh beverage, but we went we bar hopped around and it was the kind of thing where every bar we went to, she either knew no one and got bored immediately,

or knew too many people and we had to leave. Another, it was just like this constant like, all right, she hangs out a lot. But she was kind of fun, you know, the kind of person who, you know, would say insanely crazy shit. But being a comedian, it was like, sure, I can hang with this all night. I want to hear how far this goes. Let's go. Let's keep going down

the rabbit hole. And then we get to this one bar, which was my one suggestion of the night. I was like, Hey, let's go to the circle bar. We're nearby. It's a bar. It still exists in New Orleans. Let's go there. We get there. They didn't serve shirt shoes. They didn't have it there. And she suddenly decided that I was in cahoots with people in her life who had told her before numerous times that she had a drinking problem. Oh, you were in intervention? Yes, she had decided that, oh, so who have you talked to?

And I was like, I haven't talked to what? And she was suddenly like, you brought me here because they don't have my drink of choice. Hmm, coincidental. I was like, you brought me here because they don't have my drink of choice. Coincidental. I was like, yeah, massively coincidental. What the fuck are you talking about? And then it became this thing where now everyone in the bar was in some way involved in this intervention that didn't exist.

But we had all somehow heard from people in her life that she never really pointed out who they were, that we all knew She had a drinking issue a problem and because they didn't serve the drink the only thing she drank now She couldn't drink Wow How fucking convenient was that you fuck and then all of a sudden the slurs came out think of a racial slur She said it out loud at full volume. No, did she call you a dirty Mick? She she no she called me a fatty a lot. Fatty? Yeah, yeah.

And I was like way less putty. She, I mean, she was making up, she called someone a donkey crotch, which I was like, that's, I've never heard a donkey crotch before. I'm putting that in my back pocket. Honestly, it sounds a little bit like a compliment. Right.

Donkey dick, that's a good thing. Yeah, maybe, but she was like- Well, unless she was talking about donkey balls. Or a woman donkey. Yeah, it could be a donkey vagina. No one wants to be... Yeah, you're right. No one wants to be called a donkey's wife. You never know. That sounds sturdy to me.

Who knows? I don't know much about donkey vaginas, but you never know. You've never heard of a... Doesn't want to be known for a big vagina, do they? But maybe it's like a little teeny tiny donkey vagina. Wouldn't it be a tiny tight little like mini donkey pussy? A big sloppy donkey pussy. Like a Shetland puss.

Yeah, oh my God. Who was also working at the club that night by the way, Shetland puss. We get asked to leave and then eventually pushed, we get kicked out of the bar. And then get the cops called on us. Boston, the whole city? No, just the one bar.

That would be insane. Oh, if I said Boston. I wish. No, you're out of the entire fucking city. The mayor came. This is the mayor. They target feathered you. Out you go.

Yeah, if they were kicking people out of New Orleans who were using racial slurs, the city would be empty. There'd be 70% of the city out. Well, also the idea that we bar hopped so hard that we ended up in Boston. I know, honestly, just when I look at you with the Irish shirt and the face,

I keep thinking you're in Boston. Okay, it's like you're pulling a margarita right now. I know, right? Yeah, are you biting, you want a bite, Scott? You're so funny. There you go, buddy. But yeah, we get kicked out. We get the cops called on us, which is very rare.

We're underneath an underpass under the I-10 hiding from the police. Now, of course, she's in a perfect mood. She's, oh, that was all a joke, of course. No, I was just fucking around, whatever. Incredible bit, yeah. Right, of course. And now we're underneath the overpass

and we start, we make out, we start making out. And I'm like, oh, this is going a completely different direction than I thought. And then I checked around just to make sure we were like, because the underpass in New Orleans, there's a lot of homeless, it's a homeless encampment. It was back then, it is now still. I was just like, wait, well, let's just make sure we're not.

And she took me looking around as, oh, I'm not good enough for you. Oh, you can find someone else beside me. And then she starts focusing all her rage on, her rage, rage, it's rage now. And she's yelling, shouting horrendous things. She's like, are you looking around for one of my sisters? Are you looking around for the rest of my family?

Then she took my hand, has to say goodbye. She was like, you know what? This is done, bye. And we shake hands for a second. And then she looks at my finger again. And then bites me again harder. Draws blood.

No. Like hard, where I have to be like, hey, hey, hey. And like physically like get my finger out of her mouth. Take a newspaper and sort of bang her on the nose. If I had one, if I had one I would have. And then I should have, there probably were nearby newspapers covered, like one covered in good, hobo urine too, that have warded her off. It hurt, and there was blood.

And I had a moment of like, you just fucking bit me. And her reaction to that was to then put a curse on the entire city of New Orleans. Because, forgot to mention this, she was half Asian, half Floridian, also really into crystals and a self-proclaimed wish. So in that moment, she decided she not only hated me, she hated the entire city.

The entire city. Was this pre-Katrina? I mean, we were all thinking it. We were all thinking it. That's what I was about to say. First of all, I went home that night and was convinced, like, wait, I was bitten by a, I should do something about this. I shouldn't just not take care,

I shouldn't just put a bandaid on this. What if I turned into a stripper now that I've been bitten by one? When I went back, like, my plan was the next week to be like like hey, buddy How marguerite what the fuck but you guys kind of already beat me there by the time that never happened because the very next Just very next week Katrina hit We very next week like she put a curse on the city and within four days cool

It was pure chaos. So Katrina might be my fault is my point here. That's like punishing the whole class for one person cheating. That's so- If I just took her to a bar that served chartreuse, we might've escaped that tragedy. It would've turned out a lot different. Wow, oh my gosh.

That is far more than just a bad date. Yeah, this is a historical collision. I wonder if a stripper is behind every major historical like catastrophe in the past, like who pissed off a stripper before Hiroshima? You know, like I just, you gotta wonder now. So Sean, I guess what is the takeaway here? What's the red flag lesson?

What rule did you put in place for yourself to avoid situations like this in the future after that date? If anyone bites you within the first minute of an encounter, walk away. That is primo, primo advice. Primo advice. Unless that's what you want. You either want to be bitten, and that's

why you're showing up, or get the fuck out of there. This could have saved a lot of people who dated Armie Hammer. Yeah. Chelsea Devantes, give us the context. Give us the lowdown. What's the deal? I'm chatting with this guy and I'm in a place where I'm like no more comedians like I can't like these are bad for me gotta do non-comedian he's a non- comedian have you ever had that thing on an app where you're like chatting with

someone you're like oh my god I think this is gonna be a person I'm sure really dating like this chat is amazing Instagram Instagram. Yes, no. Instagram. Instagram. Never right. The apps, they allow you to fill in so many blanks with your own imagination. So many blanks. And so you can, you know, like they're giving you like sort of a list of things to start with and then from there you can just sort of imagine

all of the other things about them. Yes, yes, and you're always rounding up for some reason you can just sort of imagine all of the other things about them. Yes, yes, and you're always rounding up for some reason because you're putting yourself through the app experience. You're like, it'll be okay. So I'm like, oh my God, this guy's so funny, so smart, so witty, like I can't wait for this date and go and meet him at the bar.

And like within 1.5 seconds, it's just like, no. No, never, I wouldn't even want to work next to you in a cubicle. Wait, what, that quick's just like, no. No, never, I wouldn't even wanna work next to you in a cubicle. I don't even. With that quick? That quick, yeah. Yes, because this is also the fundamental problem with the app sometimes is there is no substitute

for that in-person chemistry. Like you cannot read what the in-person, like pheromone, like physical, you know, just the way they hold themselves, you know, everything. I'm obsessed now with this moment of, like, you so excited and this guy's just like, like, hey! Just like, oh my God, it's you, you're so fucking hot. Well, it's like auditions.

They say that the casting director decides within the first, like first 15 to 30 seconds if you're right for the part. Like it doesn't, you don't have to get through the whole monologue. And that is so true. So true. And I think they're like, oh, girls know within the first day,

I'm gonna say first 30 seconds. Same like casting. I feel like you kind of are like, but then you've shown up, you're like, well, I'm at least in this for an hour out of politeness. You know, like I wish I would have just been like, hey, and then just turned and just turned and walked away.

But no, no, I was definitely in the phase of that girl who was like, you get a nine. So I go and I sit down with him. And I just thought like, I'm just gonna make it, you know, make it through one drink and then we'll go. And it's just so excruciating that finally I say to him and he's, I'm like, he's having a bad time, I'm having a bad time, like, this is just bad.

So finally I say, hey, I'm gonna free both of us up. Let's just call it here, like, it's okay. And he's like, yeah, cause I gotta tell ya, you are the Hitler of dating. What? Hitler? Yes. And I was like-

How many Jews did you kill during the date? Well, and that was, you know, the whole train ride there. It was, that was my activity and I let him know about it. No, I, I, not great. That's, yeah. No, what I think, what I think he was saying, Chelsea, is that you had a lot of good ideas, but you just, you know, the one glaring problem. I think what he was trying to say was

he wanted you to poop on his chest. Because that's what- Was that a Hitler thing? Yes, so I think that's why. Oh, okay, I thought it was that he just really loved your painting and wanted you to keep doing it. Yeah, right, I had been sensing him my paintings. No, so right as he says this, and listen, I'm also like,

I want to be good at dating. So I'm like crushed. You know what I mean? It's like, well, I hate you, but I wanted you to, I don't know, pine for me forever. I didn't know it was that bad. And so right then the waitress comes over and she's like, another? And I was like, no, we're good.

And he's like, what? No, please, please, please just stay, please. We'll have another round. We'll have another round. And I was like, what? So she's like, um, and he's like, what? No, please, please, please just stay, please. We'll have another round. We'll have another round. And I was like, what? So she's like, um. And he's like, yeah, another round. She walks away and I'm like, you just called me the Hitler of dating.

He's like, yeah, because you're a comedian and I'm being funny for you. Oh God. Oh. I hate this guy. I hate this guy right now. I know. Oh wow.

I was like, oh no. And I was like, well, I, okay. I didn't think that was funny. And I was, I meant it when I said I was having a bad time. I wasn't like doing a bit with you. I was saying, let's end this date. And he's like, no, no, please, please give me another chance. What's your first childhood memory?

Wow. Wow. Wow. Please tell me you didn't tell him. Straight out of a book, straight out of an insecurity book of like questions you can ask women on a date that make them want to fuck you, ask them about their first childhood memory. No, this does sound, this does sound like pick up artists adjacent, like he was nagging you with the Hitler joke.

Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. He'd just taken like all the wrong lessons from the book and was like, why isn't she submissive? Why isn't she succumbing to my seduction? May I ask something? Yes. What is nagging?

It's when a guy sort of insults you with the intent to get you to be like, oh no, like now I need your approval even more, you know? Like I once had a guy come up to me, I was at High Top in WeHo, which is like a bar, a sports bar that has food, and I was eating a salad standing up. And he came up to me trying to hit on me and said, wow, you really don't eat that salad confidently.

And I was like, new insecurity just dropped because I did not even realize there was a wrong way to eat a salad. And then he proceeded to try and hit on me. And it's like that kind of tactic that, again, was pioneered by these like pickup artists to say like, women will seek your approval if you tell them that they are not good enough for you

in some way or another. Yeah, like, well, you're pretty cute for a brunette. I normally go for a blonde. Oh, the idea that women like men, well, you're pretty cute for a brunette. I normally go for blonde. Oh, the idea that women like men, they're turned up and men that treat them like shit. Is that, is that? Yes, yes.

Yeah, and they'll want to prove themselves for Daddy. Yeah. Ah, okay. Daddy love me. No, I was, so I wasn't into it. We make it painfully, excruciatingly. I make it through like 19 more of these questions he's memorized.

I've made it to the end of the second drink and I'm like, let's call this, let's call this. And we get outside and he's like, I can't remember what happened, but I'm trying to be like, whatever way you're going, I'm going the other way. And he like gets me out of it. He's like, actually me too. So now we're both walking towards the L.

I just remember it was the brown line and he was like, I'm taking the L on the brown line. I'm like, oh, funny, not me. Like I'd rather fucking walk eight hours. We're walking beside each other. And he was taller than me. And he was like, kind of a bigger guy and just we're walking in silence.

And I'm just like, we just gotta make it to the train station. He grabs both of my shoulders, like quickly but like the way where your arms are like pinned. Oh my God. And goes to like move me quickly. I scream at the top of my lungs, rape! Mm-hmm. As you absolutely should.

Which like, I'm so proud of myself. Like I made it to the moment and I like, I did it. Like, you know what, you always get worried you're not gonna be able to scream. And I was like, I did it. Like you know what, you always get worried you're not gonna be able to scream and I was like, Ray! Yeah. He then releases me, starts clapping in my face.

He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was trying to be romantic. I was gonna dip you into a kiss. I was gonna dip you into a kiss. Oh my God. Stop screaming, stop screaming, stop screaming. And I was like, what? And he was like, I was gonna get you to change your minds.

I was gonna dip you into a kiss because women like that. And I was like, don't touch me. This is honestly horrific. I know. Anyways, we keep walking to the train station and he's like, will you at least give me another chance? And I was like, here's the thing. I'm a people pleasing little motherfucking bitch.

So when you hear that I'm like, no, no, it is, he's gone so far because normally I would be like, oh yeah, like, let me see. Yeah, and then, and that was it. And then years later. Oh, thank God. Thank God we're gonna find out. His picture showed up on like a all women's Facebook group

of like, don't date this guy. Oh, thank God there was a Yelp review to warn people off. I know, right? Can you maybe just look him up on Instagram right now? I want to see where he's at. I wish I could remember. I wish I could remember his name. I want to know which prison he's in right now.

We'll be right back. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. So finally, last but certainly, certainly not least, Scott Thompson, I just I know for a fact that you are a survivor like myself, because you know, we've heard two heterosexual bad date stories, but I'm not going say it's worse for us, but. Oh, it's much worse for me. Yeah.

No, we win, my generation wins. Oh, absolutely, no contest. I respect the people who came before. Years ago, when I was like a tart, and a bunch of my friends went to Fort Lauderdale on a dirty week, which is what you do up here. Is there a clean week in Fort Lauderdale on a dirty week, which is what you do up here. And- Is there a clean week in Fort Lauderdale?

No, no, no. Oh, especially then. Oh, everything was just filthy. And we went there and we went to a bar and I met this man, an older man, who's probably younger than I am now, this is my karma. And he took a shine to me and then,

but I didn't, I was, I don't know. It was a bit of a tease. So I said, no, no, I don't want, I didn't, I wasn't ready. I thought, oh, tomorrow maybe he, I said, he, he wanted to take me for a very expensive meal. So he was a rich man. So the next day he arranged to pick me up and take me for dinner.

And he spent a lot of money on me And you know, then he took me back to his beautiful apartment and he was he was I guess he was expecting something And we started making out and then I don't know what it was. I just decided Hmm. It didn't wasn't working for me. And yeah, it was it was the Chelsea It took you a little bit longer than Chelsea, but it was a similar thing. Because I think the whole time I was thinking, he's such a handsome man and he's rich and he's treating me like gold.

And I should, those are all the qualities. I should want to sleep with them. And everybody says he's so handsome. And I go, I know, but it's, I don't like handsome. And so I, and it was, I, I had a little self-esteem. So I actually was able to say, you know what, this isn't working for me. And I was quite drunk and that allowed me to do that. So anyways, it was early enough that I could go back

to the bar where my buddies were waiting for me. So, I went back to the bar and we continued to drink. And I'd already, you know, I was, you know, we had a beautiful meal and I was telling them my story. Then he came back to the bar and then he took a shine to one of my other friends. And then they started flirting. And then my friend, like my best friend went home with him.

Wait, this isn't a Harry met Sally situation. And then when he did, the same thing happened. They started making out and my friend said, it's not working for me. And then came back to the bar to tell me. So two of us, we were like, Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell, like two tarts who just cuckolded some billionaire.

Was he a bad kisser? No, and he's super handsome and he had like a title and he was like, he was like a Mayflower kind of guy. Oh yeah, I love it when they're fresh off the boat or not so fresh off the boat. My friend! Yeah, wait, I do know, I want to know what Mayflower, what's a Mayflower guy? Like a pilgrim. Like a Pilgrim. Like one of those Americans that have been there forever.

A colonizer, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of those people who loves to be like, we were here first for getting, you know. A Vanderbilt type, you know. But it was just like, I just thought it was so funny because the two of us, my friend would have slept with them.

He wanted to, but I actually think that he couldn't, cause I think he puked. Like I think he actually, you make it worse. He puked. Like I think he actually puked, to make it worse, he puked in his beautiful apartment. So- Wait, your friend puked or the- My friend.

The pilgrim. And then he came back and then, so then we had to like see him out at the bar as the whole week we were there. And he's never forgiven it. And then on top of it all, I took his name and the way he talked and I created a character out of him. Oh, I'm the worst.

I'm the worst. Wait, exact name or like rhyming name? Like close enough or like exactly? Almost exactly. Wow. And I stole his identity and just completely. And then ridiculed him. His name was Scott Thompson and I'm not really.

It's horrible. It's a horrible story. I'm not really. It's horrible. It's a horrible story. I know. No, it's hilarious. That would be funnier if you got all of your friends to just hook up with this guy in the last minute and go, nah.

It would have been great. He should have gone through all, there were four of us. He should have gone through all four of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the town bicycle. We drove all the way down from Canada to cuck this poor billionaire. I love the reverse bachelor sort of situation where it's like, he's presumably in the position of power.

But all the contestants. Yeah, absolutely. But you know, Joel, that in the gay world, it's the opposite. The dumbest stupidest can be much more powerful than the most rich, the most powerful, the most accomplished. If you're dumb and you're stupid and you're handsome

and you have a big dick, you are more important than Elon Musk. It doesn't matter what's going on in your bank account. You can be a complete sociopath and have a big dick and that is the currency that will get you through. No, no. So it is the exact same with heterosexuals and women. Young, dumb, hot, far more powerful than a lady who's like, I've got good prospects. Yes, that's what I mean,

but I was referring to heterosexual men. Mm, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, there is something. Because women do go for money and power and all that, but gay men do not. Gay men, still men. Generally.

They go for, like all men, what they wanna fuck. What makes you heart? That big old donkey crotch. Donkey crotch. And did you continue, oh, so you were visiting though, you never had to see this man again. Just visiting, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I guess my question is,

it was funny, because I was about to say, at least in this story, in Sean and Chelsea's story, there is a clear villain and a hero. Yeah. And I was about to say, there were no villains in your story It just happened the way it happened until you decided to monetize His trauma for your gain and I do love on this podcast

When the person telling this story does end up being the villain of their own story Yeah, I do it own up to my my my young villainy Yeah, yes, I do it own up to my my my young villainy You know my what when I could get away with it and it is fun to find out the origin of buddy Cole, you know I didn't mean it like I did but my friend he's the real villain. He's the real yes Yeah, he threw up in his apartment. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he could have avoided that Absolutely or the guys in the barfing. We don't know there could be a whole new kink out there new kink unlocked as one would say I love that he returned to the scene of the crime to just like thinking I couldn't get one of those other young Canadian bucks and What is the rule that you put into place for yourself after this date, if any?

I never go back to Fort Lauderdale. Yeah, oh, and that I think is. Yeah, that's a good rule for everyone. A good rule for everyone. Bad dates. You guys, that was bad dates. These were, I learned so many important things from all of our collective trauma.

I really appreciate you all coming on. Sean, where can the people find you? What are you doing these days? What do you want them to know? I'm touring. I'm opening for David Cross all fall. Oh wow. It's all on the website, my website, me Seanpatton.com

and I am in the FX series, English Teacher, which will premiere on September 2nd. Oh, yeah. Hi, with the awesome Brian Jordan Alvarez and- Yeah, congrats on that. That's Stephanie Koehnig. Yeah, thanks. That's really great. Yeah, I'm mega excited.

Cool. And yeah, just me, SeanPatton.com. I'm on the road. I'm on all the socials. Let's hang out. Yeah. And Chelsea, I know you've got some big stuff coming up. Tell the people about it.

Oh, you know, just come over to the podcast. It's called Glamorous Trash. And I'm on Instagram. I'm book club some of the books there and do stuff like that. And I don't know, maybe listen to the podcast first and decide if you want to pay good money for my hot, hot memoir. But on the podcast, we talk about other female celebrity

memoirs, so if that's your thing. And it certainly is. And finally, Scott, where can the people find you? What do you want them to know about what you're doing these days? I'm in a Netflix show that's gonna come out soon called Foo Bar. And they had a, it's two years ago,

they had one season and then they, but they've come back and then the second season and I play Dr. Pfeffer and I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger's psychiatrist. Oh. Yeah. Scott, you and I share Arnold Schwarzenegger's psychiatrist. Oh. Yeah. Scott, you and I share a, Enrico Colantoni is in that. He's also in FX. You're kidding me.

Isn't he the greatest? Yeah, yeah. He's awesome. He's amazing. Yeah. And I'm doing that. I'm going out on the road with a new Buddy Cole show in the fall. Hopefully not to Fort Lauderdale.

No, no. And I have an album coming out. Oh, fantastic. Incredible. What's it called? It's called Valley of the Song, and it's with my band called Mouth Congress. That's incredible. That's awesome. This is your own song?

Yeah, and it's a real album. Like, it's 17 original songs, so it's crazy. Incredible. I can't wait to download it on LimeWire. You guys, this has been so, so, so fun. If you have a dating story of your own, if you want advice, if you want us to rule, make a judgment on one of your bad dates, please drop us an email at baddatespod at gmail.com. We are always here and we are always listening and we are always going to make light of whatever terrible thing has happened to you I'm joking booster. We'll be back next week with another episode of bad dates Please rate and review us on iTunes Spotify wherever you're listening to this podcast right now

It helps other wayward souls find our little podcast and it doesn't really help me I get paid the same no matter what but um, I have to say it and they're making me. There's a gun to my head right now. So, until next week, bye-bye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devin Torrey-Brien.

Produced by Anne Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail dot com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more Bad Dates. Smart Plus Media