Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Fifty Shades Of Gay (w/ Sydnee Washington and Dave Mizzoni)

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

On a brand new episode of Bad Dates, guest host Marie Faustin welcomes comedians Sydnee Washington and Dave Mizzoni to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Sydnee’s date is well-endowed, but seems to be running low on Mr Clean, Dave’s pizza nepo baby goes to pieces, and a listener has to split ASAP when she meets her date’s scurrying roommates.If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Marie Faustin: @reeezy on social media, @whyare.yousingle on Insta for ticketsSydnee Washington: @justsydbw on Insta, Mess podcast with Marie FaustinDave Mizzoni: @davemizzoni on social media, @whyare.yousingle on Insta for ticketsSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Smart. Less. Neon. Neon. Neon. Marie, when I tell you I was down bad, and I said, I said that

I'm not bisexual, I'm just doing bad. And I said, why not? When you're doing bad, you lay down with dogs. And I said, this is the time. I said, while I'm getting my life in order, let me just hook up with dudes. And then as soon as I get back on my feet, I'm back with women because they don't deserve this mess. You know what I mean?

Happy Women's History Month, friend. Thank you so much. There it is. There it is. Hi guys and welcome to Bad Dates. I am Marie Faustin and you're probably wondering who am I and what am I doing here? I'm a comedian based in New York and I don't know if you can tell by my raspy sexy voice, but I'm really adorable and so I go on a lot of dates. But now why are you here? You're here because this is Bad Dates. This is a podcast all about very funny people

breaking down the insanity that is dating and sharing some of their most cringe romantic misfires. Who do I have in the studio with me today? Let's talk about it. Today's basically bring your best friends to work day because my guests are one, Sydney Washington, a comic and actress, my sister in shade, my partner in petty. We co-host the podcast together,

Mess, AKA the unofficial expert. Hi, Sydney. Hi, girl. Hey. And the second person we have in the studio today is Dave Mazzoni, a comic, a writer, an actor. He also co-produces Why Are You Single with Me. Hi, Dave. Hey. Partner in Petty is amazing. Yeah, that's what we, we're petty people. And we- Absolutely.

I mean, maybe not the same level of petty, but we're petty sisters in Christ. So it's 2024, everybody's fluid. Everybody's like a little bit of this. I'm a little bit of this. Sometimes I put this in my mouth. Sometimes I sit on that. Like-

As somebody who just hooked up with a straight guy and did not have a great time, I'm gonna say, pick a lane. I'm gonna say, I don't like the wishy-washiness. Like, let's pick a lane for a little while. 50 shades of gay, I'm sorry. That might work for y'all, but... This was my eight mile climbing on top of this kid that I have, swear to God, I've always thought about

what this kid's dick looked like. And then there I was, like, 20 years later. Nasty. It was so mid. It was so... I have, swear to God, I've always thought about what this kid's dick looked like. And then there I was, like 20 years later. It was so mid. It was so not what I was, it was not what I was expecting. It was not like, there's like a level of prepared for sex that gay men just are, that this man was just not. But like, I didn't know that when I said it to him, like, I was definitely playing games, but I'm a PS5 and this kid is playing

Sega Genesis because I was like, not it. He was like, my, basically the game I said was, I was like, okay, so how about this for the next 15 minutes, you can do whatever you want to my body. And I won't say anything to anyone ever. And that's the game's not really a game. I like that. That's a game? That's a secret.

Well, I tried to create, I tried to create like a safe space for him. And what do you think the first thing he said was? Are you gonna tell my wife? This is a straight man. He said, don't tell anyone, suck my dick. And I was like, oh, all right. Boo.

I mean, I would have said that too. He had 20 years to figure out something gay to do and he said, suck my dick, you know what? I was like, I said, you right. Boo. I mean, I would have said that too. He had 20 years to figure out something gay to do and he said, suck my dick, you know what? I was like, I said, you could touch me, touch me. And he was like, no, touch me. And then I was like, maybe he is gay. Ha ha ha ha ha. Regardless, it was pretty, it was pretty mad.

I wouldn't recommend it. Red Gates. Hello, I'm Hannah. And I'm Saruti. And we are the hosts of Red Handed, a weekly true crime podcast. Every week on Red Handed, we get stuck into the most talked about cases.

From the Idaho student killings, the Delphi murders, and our recent rundown of the Murdoch saga. Last year, we also started a second weekly show, Shorthand, which is just an excuse for us to talk about anything we find interesting because it's our show and we can do what we like. We've covered the death of Princess Diana, an unholy Quran written in Saddam Hussein's

blood, the gruesome history of European witch hunting, and the very uncomfortable phenomenon of genetic sexual attraction. Whatever the case, we want to know what pushes people to the extremes of human behavior. Like, can someone give consent to be cannibalized? What drives a child to kill? And what's the psychology of a terrorist? Listen to Red Handed wherever you get your podcasts and access our bonus short-hand episodes exclusively on Amazon Music

or by subscribing to Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts or the Wondry app. I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peter Francopone. And in our podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we're going to be exploring the life of Margaret Thatcher. The first female leader of Britain. Her 11-year premiership completely overhauled British society.

The political legacy of Thatcherism is both pervasive but also controversial. So who was the woman behind the policies? Wow, what a titan of modern British history, Peter. It's kind of intimidating, actually. We spent days, days recording this one. And just to cut it down, there is so much that happens over the course of Margaret Thatcher's life that we've had to think really hard about what we can include. And this is, of all the characters we've done so far,

the one who's had the most personal impact on my conscious waking real-time life. I mean, I lived through her, I was born under her, I'm a Thatcher baby. That's going to be set to dance music. So follow Legacy now from wherever you get your podcasts. Or binge entire seasons early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. and ad free on Wondery Plus. Bad Dates Let's get back to what matters, lesbians, okay? Sydney, let's get into your bad date, friend. Let's talk. Where should we start?

Okay, well, first of all, we have to get into it. Let's start 2023, the top of pride. My girlfriend breaks up with me, we start. Okay, well, first of all, we have to get into it. Let's start. 2023, the top of Pride. My girlfriend breaks up with me. So boom, I'm homophobic. I'm like, you can't break up with somebody during Pride. That immediately makes them go, well, where is the peeing at? So, this was like a really big breakup for me.

I had moved all the way to LA and gave up my cats. And so I said, you know what? I'm at the bottom of the barrel. You know who's available? Men. So I decided to get back out there. I decided to get back out there. I decided to just dip myself right into the kiddie pool of trash and go date, you know, men. Of trash.

The kiddie pool of trash is in the running for the new title of the episode. No, they're not. They're not. The Kiddie Pool of Trash is in the running for the new title of the episode. No, they're not. They're not. I really had an open heart, open eyes, open legs for the men's and I said, you know what? I haven't done this in 11 years. Let's see. I was with Marie.

I was approached by a young man at a party and I've been approached before, but for some reason I was like, you know what, maybe, maybe, maybe I should give guys a chance. And then he was cute. I was like, Oh, is he here for me? He was not there for me. He was there for Sydney. I said, well, I guess I'll just jump off a bridge.

No. Anyway, you exchange numbers with this man. We exchange numbers. That was the start of me being like, okay, I guess I'm going to talk to dudes again. Then I get on then I get on hinge and I, I matched with a guy that I'm like, oh, you know, he actually kind of looks like a friend of mine that passed. But I was like, I'm not going to think about that. I'm just going to think about that this guy is hot.

We end up going to brunch. I'm thinking that we're just gonna get coffee. He's like, I'm ready to pay for food. We get steak and eggs. We're chatting. As soon as he sit down, I was like, is the chair damp? Like, we had immediately... Is the chair damp? Oh, your chair.

My chair. My chair. Did my chair turn into, make me sweat, make me Leona, make me Lou. Yeah, so, we were talking, we have a really good brunch. We go to like this installation museum thing

and we go down to like the second floor. Oh, a little art. A little art and we're making out the whole time. I don't fuck with museums. Oh, sorry, sorry, Dave. I didn't realize you were so uncultured today. Yeah, this is not about you. I just think everyone's pretending

to enjoy those dates, I'm not gonna lie. But this is not, this was a different type of museum. This was like- This was like an Instagram museum. Yeah, it's projector. It's all like art on the wall through a projector. It's not, I can't, it's not like, also it's digital art. So it's not real art. Yes. Oh, okay. Wow.

Everybody with their freaking titles right now. Like can I just get through the date, babe? Anywho, so we making up, we making out. He trying to, he trying to finger pop me. At the museum? Yeah. Next to the Jackson Pollocks. And wait, is a finger pop like stick a finger in? Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, no, no. Like it was during the day, it's on a Sunday. Like there's families there. At the museum? There's families standing next to you and he like, pow, pow, pow. It's downstairs in the dark. Like it's all dark.

They have all these pods. What kind of museum is this? A sex museum. I told you, it's not really a pans. What kind of museum is this? A sex museum. Museum of sex. It's not really a museum, it's a museum of sex, you're right. So, we have a good time, we're making out, it's raining, we leave, and I was like, oh, I think that went well, that went well. So, the next time I see him, we go to brunch. He is ordering everything. I'm talking about like 40, 42 oysters, stunts, king crab, steak and eggs.

He's kind of, when I see, now that I look back at it, I'm like, he's manic ordering. Like, I'm, I eat like a bird. I don't eat all this. Like, you don't have to do it. Was he big? No, no. Paint the picture for the audience. I feel like he is Marie.

He's like, he's fit, he's tall, he's 6'4", but he's not like, it's not like he's bodybuilding or anything, but he has like a decent body. He got a tapeworm. He got a tapeworm. Right, or anyway. I had one of those for a while. They're so good.

You lose so much weight. You're like, can't wait to go to Tulum. I miss my tapeworm. I really do, I miss it all the time. Moment of silence for the worm. Okay. Okay. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do We hook up at the friend's place. The D has his own zip code. It is a long, long set of tension. Longer than his receipt at the restaurant, huh?

Yeah, it was crazy. I mean, 6-4, you had to know. No, I didn't. Not all 6-4s are created equal, babe. Don't do that. It's truly not. Don't do that. It really isn't.

And I just like, I didn't, I did not understand his movements like before until I saw how big it was. I was like, oh, this is why he's so out of control. And he said the things that he was saying to me, I was like, oh, he know that he packing so he could say anything and everything to me. We hook up, it's great. He gives me a hickey and I don't know that until the next day. And I'm like, what the hell? He's like, happy holidays. I'm like, it's great, he gives me a hickey, and I don't know that until the next day, and I'm like, what the hell?

He's like, happy holidays. I'm like, oh my God, he's so like a child. Third time, this is where the date is bad. This is my bad and final date. We go back to the same place, we're going to brunch, he's ordering again, crazy, like manic. And I'm like, now this is unattractive now. Now the first go-round I was like,

ooh, he got cash, money, he a Rockefeller, he's like Rockefeller me. And I was like, okay, I'm going to brunch with Jay-Z. Like, that's how I was thinking about it. The next time I was like, this is not hot, I don't want any of this. Because he was ordering too much food. Too much food, and I kept saying no.

And if he's saying no to me saying no to food, hmm, can I trust him? Can I trust him with anything else? Are y'all eating it all or y'all taking it to go? He is eating like he just got out of jail. Did he? No, shut up. Well girl, he got a dick to feed.

What are you saying? I don't know what's wrong with you. When I'm out to eat, I wanna try a little bit of the French toast, I want to try a little bit of the lobster. No, that's not how it was. It was like, it was like, like you hearing the fork hit the plate,

things clacking, things moving, food flying, stuff on the side of his mouth. I'm like, hey, hey, slow down. What are you in the rush, what are we in a rush for? It sounded like he was eating fast I was like calm down, baby What sounds like he was eating fast cuz he was getting ready to run out of there, but he paid he didn't he paid he paid Yeah, so then right he has his car with him. He's like, oh like you could come to my house today

So he lives in Jersey, and that's where... That is the reddest of all flags that I was like, why am I going through the Holland Tunnel to get some D? If the D is not in my zip code, what am I doing? But I go, because I was like, I got a podcast to have a story for, you know what I mean? I knew that I was going to do something like this. So I said, let me have some story for, you know what I mean? I knew, I knew that I was going to do something like this. So I said, let me have some story times, you know?

So you went to, you went to New Jersey for the plot. For, for the group chat. So we're in the car, I'm playing music. We're having a great time. But before, before we even get on the road, he asked me for head in the car. And I don't like that. I don't like that. Well, what kind of car was it?

Cause the car determines. No, no, it's the daytime. It might be nice to analyze the interiors from down below. Sometimes you can get a really good look at it. Yeah, what kind of car was it? Was it a Benz truck? I don't care what car you're in. I'm not giving you head during the day in the car.

What if it was one of those self-driving Teslas? No, no, I don't give head during the day. That's, that's in my contract. That's a nighttime activity. I didn't really realize what might be motivating, like the self-driving technology and why it's moving so fast might be a bunch of straight men at the top just wanting roadhead safely. Yeah, scientists, freaky ass scientists. We get to his place. I walk in and I immediately, you know you got that feeling where it's like, don't go in, don't go in.

I go in. The white woman inside of me was like, well, well. What could be in there? The door's unlocked. Hello, hello. Anybody home? Anybody home?

Oh, that's me all day. So we go up the stairs, the stairs is giving Haunted House. Mm-mm. There's a big industrial extension cord. I mean, I'm talking about construction worker extension cord. We go up. Orange.

We're going to his place. Yes, it's orange. It's so big. We go in and I'm like, it's giving like ashtray, something's burning, like something's burnt on the stove, like wires are tangled. We go in, the house is in disarray. It's really bad.

It's really bad and it's very dark, but the mess is very visible. Like it's dark, but you know, you can see the shadows of the trash. We go into the- The shadows of the trash. Yes. Another episode title. Yeah, I think that's in the Bible,

even though I walked through the shadows of valleys of trash or something. Yeah, Jesus did do that. Jesus did that. Yeah, Jesus wept. We go in, and you could tell his body, his body language is like, damn, let me see how this bitch is going to respond.

So we walk into his room. There's no door. There's a bed sheet as a door. We walk in and it's not like girl, a whole new world type curtain sheet. It's like literally sheets that you should have in a bed. I walk in like a fitted sheet, like not even a flat sheet. Yeah, it is. That little it's all cinched around the edges. It's all cinched around the edges. I'm alarmed. I'm alarmed that he brought me in there.

I was like, I was, I had just, I was on Abbott Elementary. I like, like things are going well for me. Like I am in the back of my head, like he doesn't know all this stuff. But for me, I was just like, I have like accolades. I have accolades. What am I doing walking? You're Emmy nominated.

Yeah, I'm Emmy nominated and somehow I'm walking in. That's T. That's T. And you know what? He treated me like he just found me at the DMV. I swear to you. I swear to you. I walk in. He's like, oh yeah, have a seat.

And it was one of those places that it's like, I got to keep my jacket on. I got to keep my jacket on. And there was an inch where I was like, maybe we're hooking up. But then before I could even think about that, I sat on his bed. my jacket on and there was there was an inch where I was like maybe we're hooking up but then before I could even think about that I sat on his bed I fell right off the bed because it was a shell of a bed it was not a real but like the bed just a frame it was just the first I fell right off the bed it's showing it was sure that was God saying you're on the floor bitch. You're on the floor. This is what you deserve you dumb bitch. Now pick up, pick up yourself.

Pick yourself up. My question for you sis, my question for you is did you think you were gonna die in that? Like in my mind it's giving Dexter. I didn't think I was gonna die. It was giving Dexter, it was giving Dexter but I was like he is black. I was like, he is black. I was like, he's not gonna kill me.

Not like this. He's not gonna kill me in his house. He just lives bad. He's not that, yeah, I watched the documentaries. They're not that dumb. They'll take me outside out back, kill me like old Yeller before they kill me in the house. It's too messy.

Not in front of the PS5. He doesn't wanna get blood on his PlayStation. So yeah, exactly. And it's clear that he don't clean. He ain't got no bleach, no Mr. Clean. So it'd be too much to do it now. So I fall off the bed. I'm insulted.

He's like, wait, wait, I see that you're looking like this. Let me show you more. I said, I've seen enough. I don't need. He's like, I want to give you the tour. I said, I've seen it all. The tour. He wanted to show me there's more.

He opens up a door and there's a room and it's just filled, stacked with clothes that gives that like little mildew stench. And I was like, am I in an episode of Hoarders? Yes. It was alarming. And then I realized I was like, okay, he might be Mento. He might be a little Mento and that's okay.

All of us is a little off, right? That wet towel smell, there is nothing worse than that. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. Wet towel in a closed door room is... That he was begging to show me. He kept saying, no, I want you to see. Why do you want me to see this, sir? So then... No shame.

So then I'm angry. So then I'm angry. I was like, I'm leaving. So then I'm angry. I was like, I'm leaving. He's like, I knew you were gonna act like this. So if you knew, why the fuck did you bring me here? He's like, you know what? You're not the only girl who's done this.

The last girl I brought here said, my place looks like a haunted house and she's worked too hard to come to a place like this. And being in this apartment is 10 steps backwards. Good for her. And I said, why are you telling me this? I am a comedian. Do you wanna be a bit?

Is that what you're saying? He's like, oh wait, have you seen my backpack? I'm looking for my Xbox. So he uses his Xbox like it's a gang boy. Like it's on the go. He's taking it everywhere. And that's because he has like his Netflix and his Hulu and everything on there. And I said, if you think that I'm gonna sit here

and watch Criss Cross applesauce on the floor and watch a show with you, after you fully embarrass me and my coochie, you're out of your mind. I left, he didn't even walk me downstairs. He said, can you close the door when you leave? Can you lock it? And I told you if that had been me, I would have left the door wide open.

I called you immediately when I was leaving. I said leave the door open, don't shut it. Yeah, just purely for ventilation. So Sydney, what did you learn from this experience babe? Because the people want to know. Girl, I'm out the game. The men, they go, I'm going to have to write them on a postcard. They ain't never seen me getting bye bye bye in sync.

Bad dates. Bad dates. Bad dates. Bad dates. Peyton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated.

And correct. You're such a Leo. All time. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions, if you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second, then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix, the host of Wandery's newest podcast, Let Me Say This. As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess, we are scouring the depths of the internet so you don't have to.

We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news. Like, it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when. the internet so you don't have to. We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news. Like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when. You are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides, don't you worry. The deep cuts, the niche, the obscure. Like that one photo of Nicole Kidman

after she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise. Mother, a mother to many. Follow, let me say this on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd or you can listen ad free on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd, or you can listen ad free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcast. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef.

But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground and I heard somebody say, call 911. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they look at would be the spouse.

We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels... There are murders in all of the books. ...that she was playing them out in real life? Follow Happily Never After, Dan & Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily Never After,

Dan and Nancy early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. I have a bad date. Mine's not too long, but it's one that sticks out. OK. Mine was, I got it finally invited on a date with this Italian guy. His name was Gino. So cute. Of course. Oh my god.

He was like super tall, ripped body. Like, I never really thought this kid saw me. And he slid in the DMs. And I was like, OK, hell yeah. So we go out. What did he say when he slid in your DMs? Oh, he was like, when are you going to let me take you out? Which I love. I love that. So we go out. What did he say when he slid in your DMs? Oh, he was like, when are you gonna let me take you out? Which I love.

I love that, I do love that. Yeah, like when are you gonna let me, when are you gonna let me? And I was like, okay. I'm not mad at that. No, I love that. And then he was like, how about tonight? And I love that too, because it's not like

sometimes they just wanna talk, they don't actually really wanna actually properly make plans, they're too nervous or whatever. And this kid was down. So anyway, that was exciting. So I said, yeah, we went and got some drinks. And then he was like, do you want to go back? I live around the corner.

Do you want to go back? We could smoke. I just got this brand new bong and I was like, oh cool. Like I haven't, I haven't hit a bong in a long time, but like I'm Marie and I have the same, we love weed. I was like, hell yeah, I would love to smoke. Like, so he's like, yeah, it's all custom made, it's got this amazing engraving on the side,

it's got the Italian flag, you're gonna love it, it's super sick, it's mad tall. I was like, okay, hell yeah. Super thick, super tall, ooh, put that on the Hinge profile. I was like, hell yeah, I'm gonna get mad high with Gino, and then I wanna roll around and touch his calzone, you know what I mean?, hell yeah, I'm gonna get mad high with Gino and then I wanna like roll around and like touch his calzone. You know what I mean?

Okay, yeah. So we get back to his place and he's like got a cute spot. Like it's really neat and tidy. It's kind of small. He's like, you hungry? Like we didn't eat anything at the bar. I'm like a little bit. He's like, I'll make you some pizza I made earlier.

I was like, like I love. From scratch? I said, you made it? He said, my dad owns a pizzeria. I said, oh, I'm like, like, I love... From scratch? Like, he, I said, you made it. He said, my dad owns a pizzeria. I said, oh, I'm like... Oh, he's a Nepo baby, Nepo baby. I'm falling in love. Absolutely.

I'm like, oh my God, his dad is, I love people who can cook. It's creative, whatever. So we sit down, he like bakes me this little pizza. We have like a couple of little bites. And then he pulls off the bong. This bong is if like the situation, if Pauly D could be a bong, that is what this bong is. It's like flaming Italian flags up the side.

Like it's giving like gaudy like mafia aesthetic like but I don't even know. How old is this guy? We were in our early 20s so I was probably 25. He's probably 24, 25. So anyway, we are like, we're sitting down to smoke and he packs it and I noticed there's an ice chamber in this bong, which is like where you can drop some ice cubes in and like it makes it cold. And I was like, oh, it has an ice chamber too.

He was like, what, what's that? I was like, oh, it's like you drop some ice cubes and they're like, see the little thing, like you just like put some ice cubes in. He's like, oh, okay's that? I was like, oh, it's like you, you drop some ice cubes and they're like, see the little thing. Like you just like put some ice cubes in. He's like, oh, okay, I'll go get them. He gets some, they're a little too big and I'm like, oh, you just like pop them inside. Like if you just tap the top of it, like they pop right inside and it's no thing. And I, so he's like, oh, okay. So I take it. I go to put an ice cube in. It doesn't slide in right away. I'm like, oh, okay. I bang the top of it.

doesn't slide in right away, I'm like, oh, okay. I bang the top of it, the entire bong shatters into like 10,000 pieces. Like I'm telling you, I tap this thing one like bop, right on the top, instantly there is glass shards, tiny like blown glass shards. Tiny Italian flame flags. Baby, in the red, white and green, all over his bedroom.

Like it's all over his bed, his floor, in his shoes. Did you get it in your ass? Oh no, we weren't naked, but you know where I'm headed. Basically. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, oh my God. He's like, wow. He's like, that took three weeks to come in. I was like, oh my God, he's like, wow. He's like, that took three weeks to come in.

I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm like, do you have a dustpan? He's like, no. He's like, what's that? So we start, like, I start picking up all these glass shards with my hand. Like, I'm so- Are you crazy? I'm so embarrassed, I'm mortified.

Like the mojo of the date, we were just about to lay down on this bed after hitting this bong and get down to it. And now I'm the full cleanup crew. I'm cleaning up, pulling all the shards out of his shoes. Finally, we get it to like a remotely clean place. I tell him, oh, I'm gonna buy you another one. We go to lay down on the bed. I like, I jump on the bed and a shard of glass

cuts me right up the side. I start bleeding all over his white sheets. on the bed and a shard of glass cuts me right up the side. I start bleeding all over his white sheets. Oh, baby! Hehehehehe! His bed is covered in my blood, the back of my shirt. It's like a deep cut. This is like a really interesting hook piece of glass

from the base of the bong that I did not see on his bed. Yikes! So I get up, I'm like, do you have a bandaid? He's like, I think you need gauze. So I take off my shirt. I wrap it up around my waist like it's like some apocalyptic, like I'm running from zombies. I tie it around my back and I tell him,

listen, I'm just gonna go. I'm so sorry, I'm embarrassed. I walked out, I called an Uber and bled all over my own t-shirt in the Uber, just holding my naked top, and all the way back to Park Slope. And it was probably the worst date I've ever had, but this is different.

He didn't suck. I was kind of crazy. Yeah, you were the bad date. I just felt so embarrassed. And I still see this kid out every now and then. And every time I see him, I say hi, and I know that we are quietly thinking about the last time we saw each other,

which was like bloodshed. And I gave him like a hundred bucks. I was like, here, he was like, the bong was 400. I was like, I was like, oh, okay, I'ma get you the rest. I would be like, I don't wanna date anybody who's that bad with money. I'm not dating anybody with that bad with money. Bong for $400?

Where's your priorities, bro? Bad Dates Hey, y'all. It's your girl, Kiki Palmer, your favorite quadruple threat actor, singer, dancer, and my new role, podcaster. My podcast, Baby This Is Kiki Palmer, is blowing up, y'all, because every episode I bring on an icon. Like when John Stamos and I talked about internet trolls hating on Disney adults, or when Jordan Peele explained

why we love scary movies, even though the world is already creepy as fuck. Tune in to learn a little and laugh a lot, because your girl keeps it real. Listen on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Peyton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated.

And correct. You're such a Leo. All the time. Yeah. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions, if you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second, then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix, the host of Wanderys newest podcast, Lemme Say This.

As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess, we are scouring the depths of the internet so you don't have to. We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news. Like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when. You are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides, don't you worry. The deep cuts, the niche, the obscure. Like that one photo of Nicole Kidman after she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise.

Mother, a mother to many. Follow, let me say this on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd or you can listen ad-free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcasts. by joining Wondry Plus and the Wondry app on Apple Podcasts. We have time for a quick bad date story from a listener.

Let's see what you guys think. I live in Los Angeles and during the height of the pandemic, my libido took over and I decided I had to find a hookup. With a fresh Tinder profile, I swiped right on a very sexy looking medical worker. We agreed to meet at his place. Once inside his apartment, the first thing I saw was a pile of trash, four feet high, pushed into a corner by the kitchen area.

He brings me a drink and we chat while sitting on his tiny unmade bed. Not a twin, girl. That's when I clocked another- Twin, where have you been? No, no, I'm not gonna sit on a twin bed. I'm not a college student. That's when I clocked another tall pile of trash in a different corner.

I'm a very clean person and normally would have left, but instead started making out. He was an awful kisser, lots of teeth and tongue, but I was committed at this point. Once we moved to a flat position and he began to work his way down to my pelvic region, I looked up and saw two roaches on the wall near the ceiling. Then I saw another and another and three more. And as I looked around the small apartment, I noticed several roaches near the trash piles. They were everywhere. I screamed and pushed him off me and said, I had to go now.

He was very confused and tried to ask why, but I kept saying, I need to leave now as I shook the shit out of my purse to make sure no roaches made their way inside. She been here before. Because the hallways were a bit winding, I needed him to walk me out of the complex. As we walked, he began to cry, quiet at first, then louder and louder, until it was full on crocodile tears. Through his tears, he would loudly stammer.

Is it because you think I'm ugly? Why are you leaving? You think I'm ugly, I know it. I'm so fucking ugly. I tried to ignore him, which is also, girl, yuck. I tried to ignore him, but I actually felt bad for the pig and said, nah, my guy, your place is fucking disgusting. How do you live like that?

Once in my car, he started walking away, but turned around and began pounding on my window, screaming, you bitch, fucking tease, fuck you, you ugly ass shallow slut, and so on and so on. I just laughed and said, yep, and sped off, and took one of the hottest showers in my life. Man. Men need therapy, all men need therapy.

This is so. Men need therapy and men need Swiffer Wet Jets and Clorox wipes, because bitch, no. We gotta get them. We gotta get them. There's just gotta be like a starter pack of like, hey, you're an adult now. You live alone.

You have to clean. I don't fuck with roaches. I would have sooner, I would have a rap for roaches. Roaches to me are disgusting. Like everywhere creepy crawly. And if you've got one, you've got a hundred. Well, my sis knew to shake her bag out. So she didn't take any roaches home with her.

Well, thank you for jumping on this podcast with me today. Um, and talking about bad dates and judging other people who had worse dates than us, cause I don't think anything beats roaches. I'm sorry. Yo, Roaches win. Roaches trumps everything today. Please tell our listeners where they can see you, what we should be watching, listening and reading. I'm on Instagram, just Sid BW, J-U-S-T-S-Y-D-B-W.

That's where you can catch all the things that I'm doing. I have a solo show called How to Start a Fire. And our podcast, Mess. where you can catch all the things that I'm doing. I have a solo show called How to Start a Fire, and our podcast, Mess, Mess, is we do it once a month at Union Hall. So you should definitely tune into that as well. Absolutely. And then Dave.

You can follow me on socials, my name Dave Mazzoni, but also you should come to, why are you single? It's a monthly thing that happens at the Bell House. If you wanna be on it, if this conversation was something that you wanted to jump in on, you're perfect for our show. So go online and submit your application. Absolutely.

We want the mess, we want the blood, we want the roaches. Well, Sid and I want mess and Dave and I want mess. You can see me and submit mess to me on my Instagram, Reezy R and then three E's, E-E-E-Z-Y, and come see me at the bell house or union hall with my good sis, Sid. I've been Maria Faustin, and this has been, honestly, some very, very bad dates.

Bye, guys! Bye. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey, produced by Anne Harris and Devin Torrey Bryant, engineered and edited by Devin Torrey Bryant and Kyle McGraw.

Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Sean Hayes, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Spotless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushy and Eben Schledder. If you've had a Bad Date, please share it with us

at 984-265-3283, or write us at baddatespod at gmail.com. We would love to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We'll be back next week for more. Bad Dates. Mia